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Pregnancy and the placement of accents in the family

Pregnancy is a time when many processes in a woman's psyche occur non-linearly. Translating into everyday language - at times it is completely incomprehensible what can be expected from a pregnant woman. And these changes concern, first of all, the inner world of a woman (that is, from the inside they are even more noticeable), and of course, the closest people - the future father, parents, mother-in-law and father-in-law.

Often the first people who catch these changes are relatives - the pregnant woman herself did not track the changes - all her abilities are tuned to sensitive listening to a new, emerging life.

What changes can be expected from a woman herself, how are relationships in the family changing, and how do these changes prepare parents for the future birth of a child?

Let's try to answer these questions based on the accumulated experience of accompanying pregnant couples and relying on the traditional periodization of pregnancy: the first, second, third trimesters, prenatal period.

So,

the first trimester of pregnancy

is a revolutionary time in many respects. This manifests itself in many ways. In terms of physiological - the changes taking place in a woman's body are truly cosmic, and the bodily condition is often uncomfortable. In terms of hormonal - all the first three months last hormonal changes, making the condition of the pregnant woman unstable. And, of course, in terms of psychological. We humans are very bodily beings, and our mental state directly depends on the physical state. In addition, even for women who dreamed of motherhood and were preparing for pregnancy, the first trimester is often a time of difficult discoveries. And the readiness to accept the news of pregnancy and the changes that occur in the body (for example, morning sickness, which so often overtakes expectant mothers), does not appear instantly. This takes time. Therefore, psychologists and other specialists in pregnancy management consider the first trimester to be an unstable time.

The woman may become moody, depressed or overly anxious at this time. And the task of relatives, the husband in the first place is to understand, feel and support the pregnant woman.

Some difficulty lies in the fact that a rare woman in the first three months of pregnancy (especially the first) is able to clearly articulate her anxieties and needs, or even simply explain and express her condition in words. There is a situation that is not uncommon in family life, which can be called “my dear, good, guess for yourself ...”

Too many new and incomprehensible things are happening to her. It is as if she is setting off on a new journey, and no one guarantees her complete safety.

A woman may start behaving like a child, demanding fatherly care and support from her husband. There is nothing unnatural in such a temporary reversal of roles, often there are periods in marriage when you have to nurse each other, briefly replace parents emotionally.

Now the woman cannot work with full dedication. There is a constantly distracting internal factor, and thoughts now and then flow away somewhere, but you don’t want to stop them.

Poor health, or toxicosis in the first half of pregnancy…doesn't make things any easier either. If a person is sick all the time, it is difficult for him to react optimistically to many events. And this state is not always easy for future dads to understand.

It is very important for future fathers to know that the comfort of their companion's condition depends very much on several factors listed below:

• about pregnancy. And if your reaction was not a solid five - then try to find the right and such necessary words that can convince the woman that you are really happy about the unborn child and are ready to accept it. Keep in mind that so many problems in family relationships begin with insufficiently manifested joy at the news of the wife's pregnancy. Know that a woman will remember your reaction all her life and try to correct misunderstandings and explain everything without delay.
• The first reaction is followed by a period of time during which the future father must definitely show that he is ready to take care and responsibility for the unborn child and the family ship as a whole. Women often doubt this and, paradoxically, can simply provoke their husband into a conflict over various trifles. The purpose of these unconscious provocations is the same - to find out how much the husband loves, what he is ready to endure for the sake of this love. Sometimes, of course, women go too far in their provocations, and conflict can arise. Good advice to husbands is not to take such intrigues seriously, remembering that all this is a disguised request for love.
• Getting used to and adapting to a wife's changed reactions and tastes is an important and rather energy-intensive task. Remember about the concept of "the binary psyche of a pregnant woman": your wife is now not quite the person with whom you are so familiar. A lot of things are changing in her, but she has not yet figured out what exactly. It is best if you learn to “read” the desires and moods, and sometimes the whims of your wife, earlier than she herself.

The main result in relationships during this period is passing a sea test for the strength of relationships and the formation of a reliable marital team capable of taking responsibility for each other and the unborn child.

Second trimester:

Time of relative stability:
The volcanic changes of the first trimester are coming to an end. A woman accepts pregnancy, her life plans for the imminent birth of a child. Often, it is in the second trimester of pregnancy that registration of relationships and the legalization of marriage unions are necessary, unless, of course, this has been done earlier.

A woman, as a wife, enters more closely into her husband's family, sometimes only during this period they begin to take her seriously. Once they have a child, then everything is serious. The same applies to the husband. Unfortunately, intergenerational relations are often difficult in modern families, especially if young spouses live with one of their parents. For a woman, it is also very important how the extended family reacted to the news of the imminent appearance of the baby.

If this reaction was not optimal, the husband's task is to support his wife in every possible way and try to make up for the lack of joy in the reactions of relatives.

According to psychologists, hiding your pregnancy from relatives for too long is not very good, as this can lead to difficulty in accepting a child by grandparents.

The pleasure of pregnancy comes:
Be that as it may, but when the stomach is rounded and the movements of the baby begin to be felt, a normal woman becomes a little cat, purring just because she has kittens inside her. The mental instability of the first trimester gives way to specific protection from external anxieties and too strong stimuli and experiences.

Husband's support:
It is very important for a husband to be ready to respond to these changes, to listen to a very detailed and often repeated story about them. If a pregnant woman feels that they are not ready to listen to her, and what she wants to talk about is not very interesting, she is deeply offended and can save and accumulate grievances for a long time, and also draw too global conclusions about relationships.

Men, on the other hand, do not at all tend to listen attentively to stories about details that may seem insignificant and attach great importance to emotions.

Pregnancy is not a disease. Developing an adequate attitude to one's condition:
The determining factor for how the pregnancy will proceed further is the nature of the woman's attitude to her own condition.

If a pregnant woman feels weak, infirm, not knowing what she can and cannot do, endlessly worried about new bodily sensations, it will be psychologically much more difficult for her to experience pregnancy.

Every pregnancy, but especially the first one, is a time when a woman really needs support, competent advice, information, consultations from doctors and simply experienced mothers.

Therefore, we recommend that you contact one of the comprehensive pregnancy care centers no later than mid-pregnancy.

Remember that pregnancy is not a mysterious disease of a long course, but a wonderful time of life, full of new experiences and opening of the emotional world. From her husband during this period, I really want to see the ability and desire to participate in the choice of doctors, centers.

Anxiety about changing appearance. New image.
The task of the second trimester is to accept the changes that have already happened to you, and not to ignore them or resist them. If your usual clothes have become small for you - do not be discouraged, take this as a great opportunity to change your wardrobe and try new styles, colors and materials.

To resist these changes - like rowing against a strong current - is difficult, almost impossible. It is important to feel the new beauty and style. This will help you later accept yourself as a mother.
At this time, you really want to hear words from your husband confirming your uniqueness and renewed attractiveness.

The internal state of a pregnant woman largely depends on her confidence in her appearance. And no one will have to prevaricate here - after all, pregnant women are really beautiful with some kind of new beauty illuminated from the inside.

I want to be in time for everything:
A woman’s “stopwatch” begins to “tick”: she understands that approximately in such and such a half of such and such a month, the usual course of her life will be interrupted and some other life will begin, which one is not known exactly. And it is the presence of sufficiently defined deadlines that makes each day valuable and fuels the desire to do as much as possible.

It is often during pregnancy that diplomas and dissertations are hastily completed, repairs are completed, in a word, global projects are completed.

It is important for relatives to support a woman in her activities. You should tell her once again “take care of yourself” only when you see that such a waste of energy can damage your health.

Do not try to lock a woman at home ahead of time, limit her circle of activities and narrow her circle of contacts. All this will happen by itself, according to the inner desire in the third trimester of pregnancy.

More time for each other:
For a man, pregnancy can be a time of peak activity and energy. New horizons open before the future father, wings seem to grow behind him. This energy must be translated into activities, but do not forget that the family, the pregnant wife requires more time and attention than before. Doing a lot at work for her and the unborn baby, do not forget about dinners for two, walks in nature, which are so useful for pregnant women, and simple sitting at home.

Relations with older relatives change:
In the second half of pregnancy, a woman's relationship with her own mother changes. Consciously or unconsciously, a pregnant woman begins to reach out to her mother. Even in the presence of a pronounced opposition, there is a period of desire to return under the mother's wing in the last months of pregnancy and the first months of motherhood. But if the future grandmother behaves in an authoritarian, detached or insensitive way, the confrontation can intensify and gain a foothold for a long time.

If the grandmother of the pregnant woman is still alive, contact with her can be easier, because the expectant mother needs experience so much, and if there is an opportunity to learn it from older relatives, then this is wonderful.

Relationships with the mother-in-law may also come closer, especially if the relationship with the mother of the pregnant woman is difficult.

The expectant mother begins to be interested in questions that previously did not attract attention. For example, some features of her husband and herself in childhood.

Do not let older relatives interfere in your relationship:
If you feel that the increased influence of older relatives is destructive to your relationship (maybe even against their will) - do not let it go too far. Family boundaries must be protected, cutting off everything that can really separate you. Remember, “Let a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife”… Now, unfortunately, there are many marriages destroyed by mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law.

Actualization of family scenarios:
Many of us, going through adolescence, experience a burning desire to break away from the family and its traditions, to separate from our parents, to achieve complete independence.

But in the second half of pregnancy, unexpectedly for herself, a woman may feel a desire to again take part in family holidays and affairs, to feel her unity with her family.

At the same time, a local war is going on in a young family over whose family scenario will be taken as a model. And since no one is going to give in, a new, third family scenario is being developed.

Attention, dysfunctional family scenario!
If in the history of one of the parental families there was a break or a sharp deterioration in relations during pregnancy or infancy, you need to be especially careful, because such stories tend to repeat themselves.

Psychologists call this situation a "skeleton in the closet. " Be aware of such explosive moments in your family's history in advance and do not let these "landmines" destroy your relationship.

Third trimester:

Redistribution of attention:
Often during the time that the spouses spent together, before pregnancy, there is an unspoken, but very stable distribution of roles in the family: someone becomes a “child”, and someone becomes a “parent”. Sometimes the place of the child is taken by pets. Keep in mind that when a real child is born, the one who occupied this psychological niche will have to seriously “move over”.

To make it easier for everyone after the birth, try to change something in your relationship while the baby is still inside. Let the partner, accustomed to receiving maximum care and attention, learn to take care and support himself. Think of it as a kind of training.

Immersion in oneself:
By the end of the day, fewer and fewer questions seriously concern a woman. A pregnant woman is almost constantly in a state of listening to herself, her feelings, the movements of the child. And they are already very tangible, these pushes with arms and legs. Many thoughts come about the child and his future.

A woman, who used to be very powerful, resolute and active, can with pleasure transfer the decision of many external issues to her husband. She now has completely different worries.

Making a nest:
The desire to “stitch everything with ruffles”, to create “stocks for the winter” can overtake women who used to pay only minimal attention to everyday life. If you have the opportunity - listen to your desires. It is very important that during pregnancy and lactation you feel that you are cozy, comfortable and safe in the house. The fewer factors and imperfections that annoy you, the more strength you can give to your child and husband.

But when setting up the nest, try not to be too bossy and keep in mind that the pregnancy changes have not affected your husband as much as you. Therefore, he cannot devote so much time and effort to making nests.

Prenatal anxiety and suggestibility of a pregnant woman:
A husband must take into account that by the end of pregnancy a woman differs from herself before pregnancy as much internally as externally.

And how ridiculous it is to try to put on the clothes that you wore before pregnancy in its last weeks, so it is impossible to compare the internal state of a woman in the last trimester of pregnancy and her usual state.

In recent weeks, even the calmest women may experience anxiety and fears.

And if the husband is able to listen, console and support you, and not be infected by your worries, then the chances that the worries will subside are very high.

When sending a woman for a scheduled visit to the doctor, or to any other place associated with increased psychological stress, the husband should remember how suggestible a woman becomes in the second half of pregnancy. If necessary and just if you wish, it is good to accompany your wife as often as possible and not leave her alone with situations that require quick decision-making.

Maternity leave and changes in the social situation:
Now it is not uncommon for a woman to work until the very birth, transferring most of her maternity leave to the postpartum period. In our opinion, this choice is not optimal. A woman needs a few weeks, or better a month and a half, to settle down at home, get used to her new position, just sleep off and turn off her head, reconfigure herself for a new program.

All global changes take time, and a sharp transition from the life of a student or an actively working woman with a wide social circle to the role of a housewife and mother of a tiny child, who at first spends almost all the time at home, such a transition is fraught with a significantly pronounced postpartum depression .

Give yourself time to adjust to your home lifestyle. Let new habits form and habitable and familiar corners appear in the house, in which you can comfortably and calmly be with your husband. Then it will be much easier for you to accept a new family member.

So:
For women:

• Do not try to resist the changes that pregnancy brings you. Better try to feel how pleasant these changes are.
• Plunging into pregnancy, remember that in addition to the child you have a husband, and he also needs your attention and warmth. Learn to immediately divide your attention between the stomach (future baby) and his dad.
• Feel free to show weakness and ask for help, this will not diminish your attractiveness. Talk about your anxieties and joys in words, and not outbursts of emotions, but first make sure that your husband is ready to listen to you.

For men:

• Do not distance yourself from anything related to pregnancy and upcoming childbirth
• Remember that it is important not only to do, decide and pay, but also to listen, comment, respond - in a word, constantly be in dialogue with your wife.
• Do not forget that the changes that occur to the wife, she herself does not always monitor, evaluate and control. If your wife is acting like a child, be an adult.

For both:

• It is very important that during pregnancy there is a division of responsibilities in the family. Then it will be much easier for you to share worries about the child.
• It is good if the patriarchal family structure, traditional for our culture, arises. Such families are more durable and it is easier for a child to develop in them. But if there is a power struggle between spouses and there is a constant clarification of which of them is the main one, then this is a constant risk factor for relationships.
• Whatever happens, remember that you are not enemies to each other. Do not stand on opposite sides of the barricades, be indulgent to each other's weaknesses.
• Pregnancy is a time of crisis in a good way. After all, crisis in Greek means "perestroika". For 9months, you have to change your relationship so that you can easily accept a child into the family and become a family from a married couple. After all, only the presence of children makes it possible to fully experience family happiness.

Source: Christmas Club

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Pregnancy not only changes a woman's body, but her soul also changes. The mood and behavior of a woman waiting for a baby can be very different from the usual. Husbands sometimes get lost and do not know how to behave properly. You can blame your behavior on hormones as much as you like, but the mood must be positive. Dear ladies, try not to be capricious for no reason, your husbands are also experiencing stress.

First, let's congratulate one of the heroines of our "Diary of a Pregnant Woman" - Oksana . Most recently, she became a mother - she gave birth to a charming and healthy girl!

And our second heroine Alena continues to talk about her exciting expectation. According to her, family relationships during pregnancy have only become stronger. Alena began to look at her husband in a new way, to trust him even more.

“I can't remember a single negative moment in my relationship with my husband. Thank God, he is very considerate towards me. On the contrary, in our relationship there was even more tenderness and love, ”says Alena.

A young woman says that pregnancy has a calming effect on her. It has become easier to relate to different situations in life and at work. And what used to make her very upset or upset, now does not touch at all. “I just understand that all my negative emotions are transferred to the child. Why worry about the little things? Everything is solved, you just need to take your time and find a way out. It’s the same in the family – that’s why I don’t let my hormones control me,” says Alena.

“True, I have become terribly sentimental, I can burst into tears because of a movie, a book, a song. But these are tears of joy, not sadness,” says Alena.

However, not all pregnant women are able to control their emotions like Alena.

“I remember my first trimester with horror. No, I was not tormented by toxicosis, physically I felt great. On the contrary, it was I who tormented my husband with endless nit-picking, cursing because of stupid things and inflating the problem from every little thing, - recalls young mother Irina Maltsova . “I can’t imagine how my husband put up with me. By the second trimester, I became calmer, but managed to completely quarrel with a close friend. Forgiveness was received only when she dedicated a friend to her secret.

Irina Maltsova's husband Anton also remembers the beginning of his wife's pregnancy. “Yes, it was not easy. But I understood that her body was drastically rebuilding and her hormones were arguing with me, and not herself, ”says Anton. “Therefore, be patient, be prudent, take care of your wives - after all, in a few months they will give you a miracle.”

“It is important for both partners to pay attention to each other's needs,” psychologist, Gestalt therapist Ruslan Khamitov comments on the topic . He focuses on the fact that pregnancy redistributes attention in family relationships. Men worry too! It just doesn't always show up.

Ruslan Khamitov says that the process of expecting a baby can be accompanied by an increase in anxiety on both sides in the spirit: “What if he/she doesn't love me anymore?”

“These mutual anxieties can give rise to reactions that will only increase the partner's anxiety,” notes the psychologist. - For example, a husband, experiencing anxiety due to a lack of attention to him as a man, may become colder, and the wife, in turn, will begin to perceive this as confirmation of her fantasies that she is no longer interested in her husband as a woman.

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