First of all, I want to emphasize that I'm going to talk about "normal" behavioral problems that parents face. These tips are also useful for children with severe behavioral disorders, but if a child has serious problematic behavior, such as self-injury, he will most likely need other methods of correction, and not just the simple rules that we will talk about now.

These recommendations are more likely to be called "prevention" of behavioral problems. By following these tips, parents can prevent the development of problem behavior in the first place. nine0003

The first thing parents need to understand is that a child's behavior is largely dependent on their own behavior. What parents say and do sets the stage for both desirable and undesirable behavior. When a desired or undesired behavior occurs, the immediate reaction of the parents will determine whether the behavior will occur more or less frequently in the future. And that's great news for parents!

Very often parents say: “My child behaves this way because he has autism”, “My child behaves this way because he has a fatherly character”, “My child behaves this way because he has Down syndrome” etc. We all have a tendency to attribute behavior to internal causes that we can't do anything about. However, in reality, many, not all, but many types of human behavior are largely controlled by environmental factors. So in most cases, you can change behavior by changing the context in which it occurs. So this news is great! nine0003

So, there are several strategies by which parents can change the context of behavior and can create "conditions of success" for the child.

1. Monitor Good Behavior

Parents need to keep a close eye on their child and try to "catch" him doing something good. It's too easy for parents, when a child behaves well, to simply say to themselves: "Great, the child plays well, I can switch to my own affairs." For example, mom goes to another room to do laundry or cook dinner, because everything is quiet and calm. Therefore, it turns out that when the desired behavior occurs, no one pays attention to it. nine0003

So the first thing I recommend to parents is to specifically look for good behaviors in a child, and make sure that when the child behaves well, you somehow notice it, even if you just say: “What a good job you are!” Praise your child for good behavior, pay attention to him. Make sure that when the child behaves well, he gets something for it, that such behavior is beneficial for him.

Otherwise, very often it turns out that when a child behaves well, everyone ignores him, but when he starts to play around and do something wrong, the parents immediately run up to him: “What are you doing? I asked you not to mess around! I have to cook dinner! Why can't you just play with your brother?" And it turns out that in order to get parental attention, to get mom to return to the room, the child needs to behave badly again. And this is a trap that is easy to fall into. nine0003

Therefore, it is important to develop the habit of being aware of how the child is behaving now, "catching" his good behavior, paying attention to it and praising or otherwise encouraging him as often as possible.

2. If the behavior is problematic, think about its causes

If the unwanted behavior does occur, think about what exactly the child gets as a result. There must be something that makes this behavior beneficial for the child. It could be your attention, as in the earlier example. This may be a specific reaction of an adult or another child that he wants to evoke. Maybe the toy was taken away from him and he is arguing because he wants to get the toy back? Or is he screaming because you asked him to do something he doesn't want to do? Try to determine what he is trying to get in this way. nine0003

If you succeed, then, if possible, try to make sure that this behavior does not lead to the consequences that the child needs. For example, if a child fights to get a toy, make sure he doesn't get the toy. Instead, wait until the behavior stops. When the child has calmed down, tell him more appropriate behavior, for example, he can say: "Give me the car, please." Make sure the child receives the toy only in response to socially acceptable behavior, not in response to screaming. nine0003

I understand that this is not always possible, but try your best. And if you succeed, you will see that the child switches to the desired behavior because it works, and the problematic behavior is no longer useful.

3. Specially plan situations in which the child will be able to practice the desired behavior

Very often, especially if the child has developmental features, parents begin to "foresee" his desires and needs. For example: “Oh, at dinner he will definitely want to drink juice. You need to put the juice on the table. Oh, and his juice is almost over, you need to pour more, otherwise he will cry. Perhaps the child does not have good speech skills, so the mother or grandmother thinks they are helping, because the child himself cannot ask for juice. The problem is that when you anticipate a child's wishes and he doesn't have to ask for anything, you don't give the child the opportunity to practice good behavior. nine0003

I urge you to try as often as possible to create situations in which the child can demonstrate the desired skills. Tell him, teach him. In some situations, you can tell the child to use an existing skill, in others, you need to teach the child a new one. For example, in the juice example, if the child has speech problems, then other ways should be identified by which the child can ask for what he needs. In the US, we often use American Sign Language and a child can learn to make the "drink" sign, for example, it's a very simple gesture. And the next time the child runs out of juice, I can take a pack of juice and prompt the child to make a “drink” gesture. I can show the child what he has to do. If the child still does not make the necessary gesture, I can take his hand and help him, then I will say: “Yes, juice!” and give him juice. And now I have taught the child what to do, I have provided him with a tool to control the outside world. nine0003

4. Make your expectations as specific and clear as possible

Another very important strategy is to break each child's task into small, clear steps. There are a couple of mistakes that I see very often with parents, and one of those mistakes is vague and abstract requirements.

For example, if I say to my daughter, "Clean up your room," that phrase might mean one thing to me and something completely different to her. My criteria for a clean room and her criteria are not necessarily the same. Sometimes for her this means: "Gather up all the things that are lying around in the room, stuff them in the closet and close the door." And it may seem to me that the room looks good, but only until the moment when I open the closet and a bunch of things fall out on me. nine0003

A more specific instruction, in this case, would be something like this: "Collect all the clothes that are lying around in the room, hang them in the closet on hangers or fold them and put them in the laundry box. " In this way, my expectations become much clearer.

Another point that is important to pay attention to is that the task should be divided into simple and specific steps, each of which can be easily dealt with. So I can say, "Pick up these clothes and hang them in the closet." After this is done, I, first of all, will have to praise her (we remember - it is important to emphasize good behavior): “Just wonderful, thank you so much!” Then I can say, "Part of the work is done, now let's pick up these clothes and put them in a drawer" or "Let's put these toys in a container." nine0003

If I am specific, if I divide the task into small parts, then the likelihood that my requirements will be met will increase significantly. And I can praise her after every step, "catch" her for good behavior.

There are a lot of scientific studies that show that the formulation of your requirements is of great importance. So if I say: “Stop running!”, I am unlikely to achieve what I want. But if I say, "Come with me," then the likelihood that I will be listened to will be much higher. We call such requests “what to do,” as opposed to “what not to do.” nine0003

So it's important to make your instructions specific, avoid the "not" part, divide tasks into simple steps, and give regular praise for completing them.

5. Create a schedule for your child where likes and dislikes alternate.

Having a daily routine where the child's desirable activities naturally follow the less desirable activities can greatly improve his behavior. For example, my daughter is cleaning her room, and she knows that after that we will go to the grocery store, which she loves because I let her choose something tasty there. In this case, I can easily use the store as a reward for cleaning the room. nine0003

I can say, "It's time to tidy up the room, pack your things and hang them in the closet." After she does this, I can say, “Great! Great job! Now put these things in a drawer, and when you're done, we'll go to the store and buy something delicious." Now I have increased her motivation to complete the difficult task I have given her.

So if I carefully analyze the daily routine, then I can change it so that the events preferred by the child come after some difficult tasks. Thus, her motivation to complete the tasks will become higher, and the likelihood of success will also increase. nine0003

This strategy is called Premack's principle, but very often we call it "grandma's rule" because grandma might say, "Eat the vegetables first, then the dessert." The same is true here.
And after the store, I can say: "We have to go home, we still have to do this and that." And this, too, can be a task that she does not like. So I'll add, "And when you're done with that, we'll play." So that I can analyze what I want to entrust to my daughter, and not make her do all this in the morning, it is better to stretch things out over time, including something pleasant between them. nine0003

6. Never forget that you are an adult here. will stick." The idea is that kids will misbehave, they will. They will swear, they will try to piss you off.

My daughter is still a child, she is learning, she will inevitably make mistakes, but I am already an adult and I should not take her mistakes personally. I take a deep breath and tell myself, “I’m the adult here, I won’t take this as a personal attack. I am calm, I am completely calm. I can handle it."

Because if you overreact to the child's behavior, you can only exacerbate the problem. So sometimes it's very important to take a step back, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are not perfect and you will make mistakes too, and even if you need a break, it's okay, you can deal with it when you calm down, you don't need to feel guilty. nine0003

Finally, it's important to remember that every instance of problem behavior doesn't just upset us, it teaches us something useful. When a child misbehaves, you can say, “Aha! This moment can teach me something."

The child does not try to upset and "drive" you. The child is trying to tell you about some problem that needs to be solved. The child is trying to show that she does not know how it is done, or what I want from her. Or the child shows that she does not want to do this. So it's my job as a parent to either teach her how to do it or make sure she gets something out of it so she'll be motivated to do the task next time. nine0003

So yeah, sometimes you have to step back and think, “OK, what does this behavior say? What skill should I teach my child? This does not mean that I have a bad child, this does not mean that I am a bad mother, this is just a moment that communicates a problem that needs to be solved. And we can both use this moment to learn something new.

And it is very important to separate what we, as parents, can control and what is beyond our control. I cannot change the fact that my child has a disability, I cannot change the fact that my child has autism, I cannot change the fact that my child has a paternal character. All these reasons that people try to explain behavior, we cannot change. But we can influence those variables that are in the world around us, and which affect behavior much more than we think. nine0003

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ABA-therapy and behavior, Education of children with autism

Problematic behavior is formed in a child already at the age of five home, would not beat the offenders. Where is the line between pranks and potentially dangerous behavior? nine0102

Elena Shpagina: She is aware, in understanding her behavior. Jean Piaget, a well-known Swiss psychologist who dealt with child development, has a description of studies of the moral judgments of children about the heroes of the story: one boy accidentally broke fifteen cups because he was distracted, and the other boy only one, but when he climbed for jam after his mother left kitchens… Who is more to blame? The scientist asked these questions to children and realized that moral consciousness is being formed in children from the age of 4 and most of them by the age of 6-7 understand that breaking even 15 cups by accident is not as shameful as stealing jam without asking. nine0003

The main concept of a criminal's personality, which is currently accepted in legal psychology, is based on the peculiarities of a person's legal consciousness and worldview, when he believes that it is possible or permissible to commit this or that act. And this is not directly related, for example, to mental health. You can live your whole life with a psychiatric diagnosis and not commit a single crime and be the nicest person. This is formed by education, in the process of socialization (mastering the norms of life in society). The first institution of socialization is the family. It lays down the rules of relationships with other people: the family environment approves and encourages some behavior, but often the child simply copies from the people around him. Therefore, an example, a role model is so important. nine0003

Punishments and prohibitions should be based on explanations of cause-and-effect relationships of the child's actions. So that the child consciously next time does not repeat such mistakes. But adults should understand that the ability for conscious behavior and volitional control of their behavior in a child comes only at about 12-14 years old. Prior to this, we form various norms in the child: moral, ethical, legal. It is very important not to ignore the pranks of children, to analyze cases, to discuss these issues, to form the ability to diplomacy, and not to solve problems by force. nine0003

There is a bully in the class who tyrannizes everyone. What about other students and their parents? Why can't this be isolated, transferred to a special school, to individual training, finally?

Elena Shpagina: "Hooligan, little despot and tyrant" is also someone's child. Most often, this is a child who finds himself in a difficult life situation, when parents drink, are addicted to drugs, and are in prison. It happens that such a child is an orphan and is under the care of a grandmother who cannot cope with him. That is, there is simply no one to educate him, and the environment in which he lives dictates his own rules of behavior to him. Often such children fall under the influence of the "street". Of course, prosperous families, parents want to protect themselves from such a bully in the classroom, isolate him from the society of "good children" and send him to a special institution where he will be re-educated. nine0003

Let's see where? In a psycho-neurological dispensary? He must have a serious diagnosis established by a doctor. Parents or guardians should take care of his health. And he only has a grandmother with her unidentified health diagnoses.

Some categorical parents say that he belongs in prison! On what basis? Criminal liability comes from the age of sixteen, and for many crimes from the age of fourteen. Including hooliganism, but only in parts 2 and 3 of Art. Article 213 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. This is hooliganism committed with aggravating circumstances. A trial must take place, guilt has been proven, but we will again get a new member of society who has embarked on a criminal path. Until the age of fourteen, his parents or guardians are responsible for his offenses. And again we have a grandmother... In order for a child to end up in an institution for orphans, parents or guardians must be deprived of parental rights. There must be very strong justifications for this ...

What to do with such a bully?

Elena Shpagina: You need to work with a child, accompany him growing up. He does not have parents, the guardian cannot cope, then other public institutions should be included. After all, society is interested that the "pranks" of such children do not develop into sustainable criminal behavior in the future. You can try to start working with such a child as a parent community, connect the "school reconciliation service", for example. Only in socially acceptable ways, in the legal field. After all, if you arrange a "showdown" with such a child from a position of strength, firstly, you can get punished, and secondly, you will demonstrate illegal behavior patterns to your own child. nine0003

Here we need to act jointly, comprehensively, together with other interested parties. If all this happens at school, then the first instance is, of course, the school. The school has a class teacher, a social teacher, and a school psychologist. These are specially trained people who can professionally correct the situation. There are psychological and pedagogical technologies for working with deviant children, they are applied. For example, our Department of Legal Psychology at MSUPU develops and supports school reconciliation services, the use of a restorative approach and mediation in resolving school conflicts. nine0003

Teach your children not to be indifferent to violence against others and against themselves, teach them to defend themselves, but in socially acceptable ways. The offender must see that neither the guys in the class nor the adults support him. The activity of such children needs to be directed in a positive direction, it’s just that their own parents did not do much with them.

How can parents know if their child is the victim of aggressive behavior from their peers?

Elena Shpagina: The victim's behavior is very dangerous. Pay attention to a sudden change in your child's behavior. nine0003

If you answered "yes" to these statements, it is most likely true:

• - the child is in a depressed mood,
• - the child avoids classmates,
• - avoids mass events at school,
• - often is sick and does not come to school for other reasons,
• - reacts negatively to the signal of a new message,
• - the child takes time off from lessons, referring to poor health,
• - inflicts cuts, burns on himself.

Start a sensitive conversation. If you have established relationships, then the child will tell, although it will be difficult for him. Do not panic, do not aggravate the situation, do not injure the child with your violent reaction. But don't leave everything to chance.

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