How to emotionally connect with your child

Those close moments that make our hearts melt are what makes parenting worth all the sacrifices.

 

"I can't believe how things with my daughter have turned around, since I started focusing on connection." - Zoe

We all crave those close moments with our children that make our hearts melt. Connection is as essential to us parents as it is to our children, because that's what makes parenting worth all the sacrifices.

That connection is also the only reason children willingly follow our rules. Kids who feel strongly connected to their parents WANT to cooperate, if they can. They'll still act like kids, which means their emotions will sometimes overwhelm their still-growing prefrontal cortex. But when they trust us to understand, to be on their side, they're motivated to follow our lead when they can.

Researchers remind us that we need five positive interactions to every negative interaction to keep any relationship healthy. And since we spend so much time guiding -- aka correcting, reminding, scolding, criticizing, nagging, and yelling -- it's important to make sure we spend five times as much time in positive connection.

But we're only human. There are days when all we can do is meet our children's most basic needs. Some days it's nothing short of heroic simply to feed them, bathe them, keep an encouraging tone, and get them to sleep at a reasonable hour -- so we can do it all over again tomorrow!

So given that parenting is the toughest job on earth -- and we often do it in our spare time, after being separated all day -- the only way to keep a strong bond with our children is to build in daily habits of connection. Here are twelve habits that don't add time to your day, but do add connection. Simple, but incredibly powerful, these habits heal the disconnections of daily life. You'll find that using them daily changes everything.

1. Aim for 12 hugs (or physical connections) every day.

As family therapist Virginia Satir famously said, "We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth." 

Snuggle your child first thing in the morning for a few minutes, and last thing at night. Hug when you say goodbye, when you're re-united, and often in between. Tousle hair, pat backs, rub shoulders. Make eye contact and smile, which is a different kind of touch. If your tween or teen rebuffs your advances when she first walks in the door, realize that with older kids you have to ease into the connection. Get her settled with a cool drink, and chat as you give a foot rub. (Seem like going above and beyond? It's a foolproof way to hear what happened in her life today. You'll find yourself glad, many times, if you prioritize that.)

2. Play.

Laughter and rough-housing keep you connected with your child by stimulating endorphins and oxytocin in both of you. Making laughter a daily habit also gives your child a chance to laugh out the anxieties and upsets that otherwise make him feel disconnected -- and more likely to act out. And play helps kids want to cooperate. Which is likely to work better?

 

"Come eat your breakfast right now!"

or

"Little Gorilla, it's time for breakfast -- Look, you have bugs and bananas on your oatmeal!"

3. Turn off technology when you interact with your child.

Really. Your child will remember for the rest of her life that she was important enough to her parents that they turned off their phone to listen to her. Even turning off music in the car can be a powerful invitation to connect, because the lack of eye contact in a car takes the pressure off, so kids (and adults) are more likely to open up and share.

4. Connect before transitions.

Kids have a hard time transitioning from one thing to another. They need us to "co-regulate" them through those moments when they really don't want to give up what they're doing to move onto something we want them to do. If you look him in the eye, use his name, connect with him, and then get him giggling, you'll give him a bridge to manage himself through a tough transition.

5. Make time for one on one time.

Do whatever you need to do to schedule 15 minutes with each child, separately, every day. Alternate doing what your child wants and doing what you want during that time. On her days, just pour your love into her while you follow her lead. On your days resist the urge to structure the time with activities. Instead, try any physical activity or game that gets your child laughing. (For game ideas, click here.)

6. Welcome emotion.

Sure, it's inconvenient that kids have such big emotions. But your child needs to express those emotions to you, or they'll drive his behavior. Besides, this is an opportunity to help your child heal those upsets, which will bring you closer. So summon up all your compassion, don't let your child's anger trigger you, and welcome the tears and fears that always hide behind the anger. Remember that you're the one your child trusts enough to cry with, and breathe your way through it. Just acknowledge all those feelings and offer understanding of the pain. That creates safety, so he can move through those emotions and back into connection, Afterwards, he'll feel more relaxed, cooperative, and closer to you. Yes, most kids start by being angry, so you have to stay calm and patient in the face of their anger if you want the more vulnerable feelings to surface. This can be really, really hard. Regulating our own emotions in the face of our child's anger is one of the hardest parts of parenting. But that doesn't mean we're excused from giving it our best shot.

7. Listen, and Empathize.

Connection starts with listening.  Bite your tongue if you need to, except to say

 

"Wow!.... I see.... Really?... How was that for you?... Tell me more..."

The habit of seeing things from your child's perspective will ensure that you treat them with respect and look for win/win solutions. It will help you see the reasons for behavior that would otherwise drive you crazy. And it will help you regulate your own emotions so when your buttons get pushed and you find yourself in "fight or flight," your child doesn't look so much like the enemy.

8. Slow down and savor the moment.

Instead of rushing your child through the schedule so you can spend a few minutes with them before bed, use every interaction all day long as an opportunity to connect. Slow down and share the moment with your child: let him smell the strawberries before you put them in the smoothie. When you're helping him wash his hands, put yours in the running water with his, and share the rush of the water. Smell his hair. Listen to his laughter. Look him in the eyes and meet him heart to open heart, sharing that big love. Connect in the magnificence of the present moment. Which is really the only way we can connect. (For most parents, this is also the secret to being able to tolerate playing that same game yet again. )

9. Bedtime snuggle and chat.

Set your child's bedtime a wee bit earlier with the assumption that you'll spend some time visiting and snuggling in the dark. Those companionable, safe moments of connection invite whatever your child is currently grappling with to the surface, whether it's something that happened at school, the way you snapped at her this morning, or her worries about tomorrow's field trip. Do you have to resolve her problem right then? No. Just listen. Acknowledge feelings. Reassure your child that you hear her concern, and that together you'll solve it, tomorrow. The next day, be sure to follow up. You'll be amazed how your relationship with your child deepens. And don't give this habit up as your child gets older. Late at night is often the only time teens will open up.

10. Show up.

Most of us go through life half-present. But your child has only about 900 weeks of childhood with you before they leave your home. They'll be gone before you know it.

Try this as a practice: When you're interacting with your child, show up 100%. Just be right here, right now, and let everything else go. You won't be able pull this off all the time. But if you make it a habit several times a day, you'll find yourself shifting into presence more and more often.

And you'll find a lot more of those moments that make your heart melt.

Maintain An Emotional Connection With Your Child Like This

By Larissa Marulli

Published Mar 2, 2022

The emotional connection we have with our children could be one of the most important relationships we have in our lives.

The emotional connection we have with our children could be one of the most important relationships we have in our lives. It needs to be nurtured and evolve as our kids grow. Parents and children have such a special bond that really develops with a lot of physical contact in the baby and early years. That doesn't always continue as our kids age, and parents and adult children often find themselves unable to connect with each other emotionally. This is especially true as kids approach their tween and then teen years.Raising your child to have a healthy emotional connection with you will take some work. As the mom, your initiation of a more meaningful relationship with your child will develop a stronger emotional connection between the two of you. Here are 10 ways to maintain a healthy emotional relationship with your child.

10/10 Give Them A Lot Of Hugs

Physical connection is very important for both you and your child. Kids thrive on touch. It makes them feel safe and secure. Hugging and consistent physical connections are essential for a positive emotional relationship. Healthy Place really emphasizes that children are generally touch-starved because it isn't a part of parenting we really focus on especially as our kids get older. Hugs, hair tousles, cuddling, and kisses should be a regular part of your parenting routine every single day.

9/10 Take The Time To Listen

When your kid takes the time to talk to you, take the time and listen to what they need to say. Within reason of course, but when your child, tween, or teen is taking the time to tell you a story or saying something about themselves, listen. Give your child respect and attention when they choose to spend time with you talking. Put down your phone and pay attention. Communication is needed for healthy emotional relationships and so is listening.

8/10 Love Your Child For Who They Are

A child who feels emotionally secure and close to their parents is one who knows they're loved. Sometimes moms need to adjust their expectations and love their children for who they are, but not who they wanted them to be. Tell your child that you love who they are and that you'll always be there for them. Then do just that.

7/10 Ask About Their Days

Once kids head to school, they start having a life outside the home, and it's natural to want to know what's going on. Asking about their day makes your child feel important. Kids love talking and they love talking about themselves. Asking more open-ended questions should get you a better answer. It may take some time but hopefully, your child begins to share and looks forward to sharing their school day and their life with you.

RELATED: How To Connect With Your Teenagers Who Don't Want To Be Around You

6/10 Share Appropriate Details About Your Life

Developing an emotional connection with your child involves sharing, and that means both of you. Whether prompted or unprompted, tell your kids about your day around the time you ask about theirs. Share with them what you ate for lunch, any work you did, and if maybe you saw something funny. Sharing small details like this with your kids will make them feel important that you're telling them what you did for the day.

5/10 Appreciate The Simple Times

For moms, most days can look the same. Stay at home moms and working moms both have times when they feel like they're living the same day over and over. Days can look similar, but it's these hectic mornings and active weekends that parents of adult children miss. The constantly messy home or the barrage of questions from your kids can seem tedious and tiresome, but these moments can be more appreciated for how they won't last forever and one day, so soon your kids will be grown up.

4/10 Take Your Time Before Reacting

Whenever a situation arises at home, don't be reactive to any news and act loudly. Take some time to react and do so carefully. Staying calm will keep your kid coming to you with their emotions. It will help your emotional connection grow if your child trusts you and feels comfortable.

3/10 Have One on One Time

If you have more than one child, moms should really try to have regular one-on-one time with their children separately every day. Fifteen minutes a day is enough to have some time alone with each child. Do some sort of activity or play a game, or just talk and practice on building this emotional connection.

2/10 Encourage Them To Feel Their Emotions

Any time a child is told to suppress their feelings or made to feel ashamed about their emotions, they'll want to hide them, making them emotionally unavailable. Or unwilling to share at all. Aha! Parenting wants moms to encourage these strong emotions like tantrums or tears even if they are inconvenient and even embarrassing. They point out that mothers are their children's safe spaces, and we need to muster all of our patience to not match their emotions but to calm theirs.

1/10 Nourish Your Emotions As Well

You can't have a healthy emotional relationship with anyone if your own emotions and feelings aren't under control. Focus on yourself and work through any unresolved feelings you may have. Any strong emotions we're dealing with can affect the way we parent, so it's important to maintain your own mental well-being

Source: Aha! Parenting, Healthy Place, Motherly

How to strengthen emotional connection with children

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How to Strengthen an Emotional Bond with Children

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• Expert advice
• 1-3 years
• 3-7 years
• 7-12 years old
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• family relationships

An emotional connection between mother and baby appears even before birth: the child reads the emotional state of the mother and adapts to it. Breastfeeding strengthens the mutual connection, therefore, if there are no contraindications, you should not refuse it.

If a father takes an active part in the life of a child from the first days, then an emotional connection with him is formed immediately and remains for many years. nine0003

A child feels safe when parents are attuned to him, that is, they understand his needs and problems.

As the child grows older, the emotional connection seems to be “stretched”, becomes less strong, and sometimes is lost, which leads to alienation between the closest people.

For any child, tactile contact is very important: hug him as often as possible, hold his hand, pat him on the shoulder as a token of approval, kiss him and do not be shy about manifestations of tenderness and love. nine0003

When putting your baby to bed, read him a bedtime story and sing lullabies. The child must fall asleep in an atmosphere of safety and emotional calm, and only his parents can create such conditions. Before going to bed, you can discuss the past day, share your impressions and plans for tomorrow.

Play with your child more often. Joint play with parents is both a resource for development and strengthening of emotional connection with the child. Let the kid play according to the rules that he prefers, do not teach how to do it right, because only in childhood there is an opportunity to remake these rules for your own comfort. During the game, play, and do not act like a serious adult. Let yourself be a child too: ride down the hill with your baby, sculpt Easter cakes, honestly hide while playing hide and seek. nine0003

Be sure to discuss feelings and emotions with your child, help him learn reflection - the ability to be aware of his own experiences. Share your similar emotional experience, tell what you experienced in this or that situation. Feeling-talking is very important in adolescence, but even with younger children, discussing emotions is essential.

Be within reach of your children. Don't brush your child off by saying, "You'll tell me later. Can't you see I'm watching a movie? Of course, situations are different, but try to ensure that the child has the opportunity to contact you at any time, talk, share something, or receive an important recommendation for him. So you will not only strengthen the bond between you and your child, but in the future you will receive a response - your child will always be available to you. nine0003

Give your child the attention they need. Parents often complain at consultations that their children require too much attention. You need to figure out what is behind this need - an attempt to get parental attention, a way to increase your self-esteem or get praise? The concept of attention among parents and children sometimes does not coincide: many parents “pay off” their children with expensive gifts or high-quality educational courses, but such behavior will not help strengthen the emotional connection with the child, but, on the contrary, destroys it. nine0043