How to discipline a troubled child

What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child?

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As a parent, one of your jobs to teach your child to behave. It's a job that takes time and patience. But, it helps to learn the effective and healthy discipline strategies.

Here are some tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) on the best ways to help your child learn acceptable behavior as they grow.

10 healthy discipline strategies that work

The AAP recommends positive discipline strategies that effectively teach children to manage their behavior and keep them from harm while promoting healthy development. These include:

Show and tell. Teach children right from wrong with calm words and actions. Model behaviors you would like to see in your children.
Set limits. Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in age-appropriate terms they can understand.
Give consequences. Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if they don't behave. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. Be prepared to follow through right away. Don't give in by giving them back after a few minutes. But remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.
Hear them out. Listening is important. Let your child finish the story before helping solve the problem. Watch for times when misbehavior has a pattern, like if your child is feeling jealous. Talk with your child about this rather than just giving consequences.
Give them your attention. The most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention—to reinforce good behaviors and discourage others. Remember, all children want their parent's attention.
Catch them being good. Children need to know when they do something bad--and when they do something good. Notice good behavior and point it out, praising success and good tries. Be specific (for example, "Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!").
Know when not to respond. As long as your child isn't doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behavior, ignoring bad behavior can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring bad behavior can also teach children natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before she learns not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys.
Be prepared for trouble. Plan ahead for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare them for upcoming activities and how you want them to behave.
Redirect bad behavior. Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don't know any better. Find something else for your child to do.
Call a time-out. A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is broken. This discipline tool works best by warning children they will get a time out if they don't stop, reminding them what they did wrong in as few words―and with as little emotion―as possible, and removing them from the situation for a pre-set length of time (1 minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). With children who are at least 3 years old, you can try letting their children lead their own time-out instead of setting a timer. You can just say, "Go to time out and come back when you feel ready and in control." This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well for older children and teens.

Spanking and harsh words are harmful and don't work. Here's why:

The AAP policy statement, "Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children," highlights why it's important to focus on teaching good behavior rather than punishing bad behavior. Research shows that spanking, slapping and other forms of physical punishment don't work well to correct a child's behavior. The same holds true for yelling at or shaming a child. Beyond being ineffective, harsh physical and verbal punishments can also damage a child's long-term physical and mental health.

Spanking's unhealthy cycle. The AAP advises that parents and caregivers should not spank or hit children. Instead of teaching responsibility and self-control, spanking often increases aggression and anger in children. A study of children born in 20 large U.S. cities found that families who used physical punishment got caught in a negative cycle: the more children were spanked, the more they later misbehaved, which prompted more spankings in response. Spanking's effects may also be felt beyond the parent-child relationship. Because it teaches that causing someone pain is OK if you're frustrated—even with those you love. Children who are spanked may be more likely to hit others when they don't get what they want.
Lasting marks. Physical punishment increases the risk of injury, especially in children under 18 months of age, and may leave other measurable marks on the brain and body. Children who are spanked show higher levels of hormones tied to toxic stress. Physical punishment may also affect brain development. One study found that young adults who were spanked repeatedly had less gray matter, the part of the brain involved with self-control, and performed lower on IQ tests as young adults than the control group.
Verbal abuse: How words hurt. Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame also has been found to be ineffective and harmful. Harsh verbal discipline, even by parents who are otherwise warm and loving, can lead to more misbehavior and mental health problems in children. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavior problems and symptoms of depression in teens.

Learn from mistakes—including your own

Remember that, as a parent, you can give yourself a time out if you feel out of control. Just make sure your child is in a safe place, and then give yourself a few minutes to take a few deep breaths, relax or call a friend. When you are feeling better, go back to your child, hug each other, and start over.

If you do not handle a situation well the first time, try not to worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently and try to do it the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your child a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

Healthy & effective discipline tips by age/stage

Infants	Babies learn by watching what you do, so set examples of behavior you expect. Use positive language to guide your baby. For example, say, "Time to sit," rather than, "Don't stand." Save the word, "no," for the most important issues, like safety. Limit the need to say "no" by putting dangerous or tempting objects out of reach. Distracting and replacing a dangerous or forbidden object with one that is okay to play with is a good strategy at this age. All children, including babies, need consistent discipline, so talk with your partner, family members, and child care provider to set basic rules everyone follows.
Toddlers	Your child is starting to recognize what's allowed and what isn't but may test some rules to see how you react. Pay attention to and praise behaviors you like and ignore those you want to discourage. Redirect to a different activity when needed. Tantrums can become more common as your child struggles to master new skills and situations. Anticipate tantrum triggers, like being tired or hungry, and help head them off with well-timed naps and meals. Teach your toddler not to hit, bite, or use other aggressive behaviors. Model nonviolent behavior by not spanking your toddler and by handling conflict with your partner in a constructive way. Stay consistent in enforcing limits. Try short time-outs if needed. Acknowledge conflicts between siblings but avoid taking sides. For example, if an argument arises about a toy, the toy can be put away.
Preschool Age	Preschool-age children are still trying to understand how and why things work and what effect their actions have. As they learn appropriate behavior, expect them to continue testing the limits of parents and siblings. Begin assigning age-appropriate chores, like putting their toys away. Give simple, step-by-step directions. Reward them with praise. Allow your child to make choices among acceptable alternatives, redirecting and setting sensible limits. Teach your child to treat others as she wants to be treated. Explain that it's OK to feel mad sometimes, but not to hurt someone or break things. Teach them how to deal with angry feelings in positive ways, like talking about it. To resolve conflicts, use time-outs or remove the source of conflict.
Gradeschool-Age Children	Your child is beginning to get a sense of right and wrong. Talk about the choices they have in difficult situations, what are the good and bad options, and what might come next depending on how they decide to act. Talk about family expectations and reasonable consequences for not following family rules. Provide a balance of privileges and responsibility, giving children more privileges when they follow rules of good behavior. Continue to teach and model patience, concern and respect for others. Don't let yourself or others use physical punishment. If you live in an area where corporal punishment is allowed in schools, you have the right to say that your child may not be spanked.
Adolescents & Teens	As your teen develops more independent decision-making skills, you'll need to balance your unconditional love and support with clear expectations, rules, and boundaries. Continue to show plenty of affection and attention. Make time every day to talk. Young people are more likely to make healthy choices if they stay connected with family members. Get to know your teen's friends and talk about responsible and respectful relationships. Acknowledge your teen's efforts, achievements, and success in what they do―and don't do. Praise the choice to avoid using tobacco, e-cigarettes, alcohol, or other drugs. Set a good example through your own responsible use of alcohol and other substances.

More information

15 Tips to Survive the Terrible 3's
How to Shape and Manage Your Young Child's Behavior
Disciplining Older Children
How to Give a Time-Out
Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children (AAP Policy Statement)

Last Updated: 11/5/2018

Source: American Academy of Pediatrics (Copyright © 2018)

The information contained on this Web site should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.

Discipline Kids Who Ignore Consequences

Does your child ignore every consequence you give him? James Lehman can help with 10 specific ways to make consequences work—even for the most resistant child.

When kids are faced with something unpleasant, they’ll often act like it doesn’t matter to them. When your child says, “I don’t care,” or seems unaffected when you give him a consequence, what he’s really saying is, “You can’t hurt me.”

That’s because receiving a consequence makes kids feel powerless. Their sense of self almost requires them to respond by shrugging and saying, “Whatever,” simply in order to feel in control again.

Focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.

Personally, I don’t think parents should worry too much when their child appears not to be affected. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.

In fact, I think trying to get your child to care is a misdirected goal. Don’t put so much weight on making him “hurt” that you’re not thinking about trying to get your child to learn a new behavior. If your child can stop you in your tracks by saying “I don’t care,” you’re giving him way too much power.

To put it another way, if you’re looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is not designed to make your child say, “I’m sorry, Mom, I was wrong.” Rather, it’s there to help your child change his behavior.

Think of it this way. The consequence for not following the speed limit is that you might get a speeding ticket. You may shrug and say, “Whatever,” to the police officer when he pulls you over, but that won’t stop him from giving you that ticket. And if you say, “I don’t care,” he’ll say, “Well, here you go, sir. Have a good day.” He won’t argue with you. He’ll simply hand you the ticket and walk away.

In my opinion, you have to be like that police officer when giving your child a consequence. Don’t get sucked into an argument when your teen says, “I don’t care,” because that argument brings you down to his level—and that’s what he’s looking for. Instead, just say:

“All right, fine, but you’re still going to lose your cell phone for 48 hours.”

Then simply turn around and leave the room.

Again, if you’re trying to get your child to care about the consequence you give him, that’s like trying to get him to like you. You shouldn’t try to control his emotional life. Just say:

“These are the consequences.”

And even if he says he doesn’t care, let him know that he will encounter them again if he breaks the rules.

Here are 10 tips for how to give consequences that work—even when kids say they don’t care.

1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning

It’s almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Often, parents will be either too harsh or too lenient, because nothing appropriate comes to mind immediately.

I advise parents to sit down and write a “consequences list.” You can think of this as a menu of choices. When compiling this list, keep in mind that you want the consequence to be unpleasant, because you want your child to feel uncomfortable. It’s also important to think about the lesson you want him to learn—and this lesson should be attached to the consequence.

If, like most teens, your child’s cell phone has meaning for him, don’t be shy about using it as leverage. So let’s say your child curses and is rude to his sister, and you want him to learn how to manage his feelings. I think an effective consequence might be that he would lose his cell phone until he doesn’t curse and isn’t rude to his sister for 24 hours.

In those 24 hours, he might also have to write a note of apology to his sibling stating what he’ll do differently the next time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter, he doesn’t get his phone back—and the 24 hours starts all over again.

2. Don’t Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches

Remember, your job is not to get your child to love his sister or to appeal to his emotions with a speech because all he will hear is, “Your sister looks up to you, blah, blah, blah.”

Your job is to take his phone and say:

“Hey, we talk to each other nicely around here. And if you can’t do that, then you can’t use the phone. We’ll talk about giving it back to you after you talk nicely to your family for 24 hours.”

3. Make Consequences Black and White

When you give a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Again, you don’t want to get into details and long speeches. What you want to do is lay out your consequences for your child’s inappropriate behavior very clearly.

It’s often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when he acts out. The consequences for your child’s behavior should be clear to him. Tell him:

“If you talk nastily to your sister, this is what’s going to happen from now on.”

And whenever you’re going to introduce an idea to your child that may be unsettling, anxiety-provoking, or frustrating to him, do it when things are going well, not when everybody’s screaming at each other. Wait until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and clearly.

4. Talk to Your Child About Effective Problem-Solving

I think it’s vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your child after an incident has occurred. When things are going well, you can say:

“If you get frustrated with your sister in the future, what can you do differently, other than to call her names? Let’s make a list.”

You might help generate some ideas by saying:

“Instead of calling her names, how about going to your room and listening to some music for a few minutes? Could you do that?”

And try to help your child come up with his own ideas. He might say, “If she follows me around the house, I’ll go to my room.”

You can then say:

“All right, why don’t we try that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers you, pick one thing that you’re going to do from this list and see if it’s helpful.”

Conversations like these are how you get your child to think about alternative solutions other than yelling at his sister, name-calling, or acting out.

Look at it this way: we all get frustrated, we all get angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to learn to deal with those feelings appropriately. And a problem-solving conversation is the most effective way to talk with your child about change.

5. Don’t Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences

Don’t accept every invitation to argue with your child. Understand that he wants you to get upset so he can drag you into a fight.

Your child also wants to show you that he’s not hurt by the consequence you’ve given him. Believe me, I understand that it’s annoying and frustrating as a parent. Kids will try to push your buttons by saying: “Who cares. Whatever.” But don’t get sucked into it. Just say:

“All right, it’s too bad that you don’t care. That means it’s just going to happen more often.”

Then go do something else. And remember, while you don’t want to get sucked into a power struggle, you also don’t want to destroy your child’s pride by demeaning him. You just want him to stop talking poorly to his sister.

6. Don’t Teach Your Child How to “Do Time”

Many parents get frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the punishment stick. Personally, I think that’s a mistake.

If you simply ground your child, you’re teaching him to do time. And he won’t learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain things, you can greatly increase the effectiveness of the consequence.

I always say to make your consequences task-oriented, not time-oriented. So if your child loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps him improve his behavior. Simply grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to wait until he can get them back—not how to behave more appropriately. Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to get a bigger hammer, but that’s not a sound teaching method. And it’s ineffective.

Think about it, if you ground him for 30 days and then he does something wrong tomorrow, what are you going to do? Ground him for 40 days? It won’t be effective at that point. And you probably won’t stick to it anyway. You are basically out of grounding ammunition!

But, if you ground him for 24 hours, then if he misbehaves again later in the week, you can ground him again. Again, we want consequences to be learning experiences. A consequence that doesn’t fit the crime will just seem meaningless to your child, and won’t get you the desired result.

Remember, you don’t want to be so punitive that your child simply gives up. And you don’t want to use up all your consequences ammunition all at once. It’s ineffective and doesn’t translate to better behavior. And better behavior IS the goal.

7. Engage Your Child’s Self-interest

Learn to ask questions in ways that appeal to your child’s self-interest. So for example, you might say:

“What are you going to do the next time you think Dad is being unfair so you won’t get into trouble?”

In other words, you’re trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he won’t care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from the feelings of others, particularly their parents. They might feel guilty and say they’re sorry later, but you’ll see the behavior happen again.

So learn to appeal to their self-interest, and ask him the question:

“What can you do so you don’t get in trouble next time?”

Put it in his best interests. Say to him:

“Understand, if you’re going to talk to your sister meanly or curse at her, things are only going to get worse for you, not better. I know you want to keep your phone, so let’s think of ways for you to be able to do that.”

8. Learn to Know If a Consequence Is Working

Parents often say to me, “My child acts like he doesn’t care. So how do I know if the consequence I’m giving him is actually working?”

I always tell them, “It’s simple—you’ll know it’s working as long as he’s being held accountable.” Accountability gives you the best chance for change.

Think again about the police officer who gives the speeding ticket. Does he actually believe that a single speeding ticket ensures that a driver never speeds again? Of course not. But, the officer knows that if he holds the speeder accountable every time that even the worst offenders eventually learn to slow down.

9. Don’t Take Away Important Events

In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. That’s a milestone in your child’s life.

Personally, I think that milestones should not be taken away. Your child is not going to learn anything from that experience. He’s just going to be bitter.

I also believe that sports should not be taken away. I have no problem with kids missing a practice if that’s part of a consequence, but taking away the sport entirely is not a good idea.

10. Don’t Show Disgust or Disdain

When giving consequences to your child, be consistent and firm, but don’t show disgust or disdain.

In my opinion, you should never be sarcastic with your child because it’s wounding. What you’re trying to do is raise someone who can function, not somebody who feels they’re a constant disappointment to you.

It’s very important to shape your behavior so that your child knows you’re not taking his mistakes personally. Remember, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for getting your message across.

A Final Thought

I think it’s important to remember that life is really a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today.

Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Think of it this way: what you’re really trying to do is work on your child’s behavior to get him to try to do different things.

So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, you’re losing sight of all the other things he did right. And he will, too.

Instead, we want to look at inappropriate behavior as a mistake your child makes. Parents often wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, “Well, they do that because they’re kids. They’re not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults do.”

We want our kids to learn, so we use the things they enjoy as leverage to teach them better behavior. After all, giving your child a consequence until he shows you he can do better is an effective tool you have at your disposal at all times—even if he tells you he doesn’t care.

Related content:
How to Get Your Child to Listen: 9 Secrets to Giving Effective Consequences
Ask Parent Coaching: What to Do When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

How to properly punish a child? | Psychology

Punishment breeds fear. You can scare the child so much that as a result he will immediately stop behaving badly. But this is only an appearance that the punishment brought the desired effect.

By carefully observing the child's behavior after punishment, you will notice that he tries to find ways to settle scores with his offenders. He may tease younger siblings or pets, get poor grades in school, ruin his or your belongings, run away from home, and forget about his household chores. This list of negative reactions to punishment could go on and on.

By punishing, you make your child less in control of his behavior. The kid understands that now you don’t have to think about it, since the parent will do everything himself: “If I act badly, my mother will punish me, let’s check it out ...”. The child becomes dependent on an adult, whose mere presence can cause fear in him.

Punishment has no effect on the development of the ability to take responsibility for one's actions. On the contrary, by punishing, you establish such norms of behavior in which the guilty children try to get away with it. And this in no way contributes to the improvement of their own moral principles. Photo: Depositphotos

When you use physical punishment, the child becomes either too accommodating or too stubborn and often vengeful. He focuses on settling scores with the one who punished him, and does not think about the consequences of his unworthy behavior, about what lesson he needs to learn for himself.

The direct opposite of behavior controlled by an influential person is self-control based on the value orientations of the child himself. The child learns to be responsible for his own actions and behaves as he sees fit.

Punishing a child also has other side effects:

it is a lowering of self-esteem, or behavior dictated by a sense of fear;
this is a mixed feeling of resentment inflicted on you by a person whose love you counted on;
is to reinforce the belief that acting from a position of strength is the only way to get what you want.

In addition, punishment makes the child distrustful and encourages him to hide his mistakes. Photo: Skitterphoto, pixabay.com

So, physical punishment is an unworthy way to explain to a child what he is doing wrong. Let me tell you about some ways to influence a child's behavior without physical punishment.

One of the most effective methods is ignoring as a form of punishment. Remember that for most children the most important thing is your attention. You need to know that most of the bad things our children do out of a desire to be noticed. In this case, you need to warn the child that if he does this again (shouts loudly in a public place), then you will stop talking to him until he apologizes. Of course, the child will immediately want to check it, and after several attempts, having made sure, he will stop doing this act.

Of course, this method should not be used if your child hits or pushes you or his sibling. In this case, you need to conduct an explanatory conversation, why you should not do this. And if this does not work on the baby, put of his in a corner.

But don't forget that before each punishment the kid should be warned that after each bad deed there will be a punishment. That is, give him a chance to improve, and if this does not work, then apply one of the methods of punishment. Remember the child should always know why he is being punished . Otherwise, there will be no punishment. Photo: Depositphotos

And most importantly. Before punishing, think: why did you decide to punish your child? Think about it, are you doing this out of evil, out of resentment, wanting revenge or feeling helpless? Then stop, calm down and try to rethink your reaction. Ask yourself, “So what do I really want to teach my child right now?”

This must be done so that the child knows that he was punished only because he behaved unworthily, and that only he was to blame. That you regret that you had to go to an extreme measure, that it does not give you pleasure to punish the child, but the circumstances have developed in such a way that you simply cannot do otherwise.

Tags: punish the child child behavior, moral principles, code of Conduct, physical punishment, Punishment of children

What to do with unruly children - illuminating blog

Author: Marina Komissarova, psychologist

Very often in parent-child communities there are questions about what to do with unruly and completely naughty children. Nothing affects them at all. Many parents are faced with teenage uncontrollability, with the inability to influence a child of 13-17 years old. He doesn't listen to anything. And finally, there are adults who are completely uncontrollable (from the side of society). They are most often referred to as criminals, but this is also an interesting problem.

All three problems are connected from the point of view of psychophysiology. All these are different degrees of the same thing. It's just that difficult children do not always become difficult teenagers, and even less often turn into delinquents. Most safely pass such a period in childhood or puberty, and in adulthood become reasonable and prosperous citizens. However, not all. Sometimes there are people who were quite obedient in childhood or even in adolescence, and then turned into uncontrollable. It rarely happens, but it does happen.

What is it?

First of all, this is a too high frustration threshold. It is best for parents of difficult children to understand this topic so as not to fight disobedience in various wild and harmful (that is, exacerbate the problem) ways, like a belt. It is all the more stupid to punish teenagers (depriving them of walks and taking away gadgets).

For an ordinary child in a difficult period, this is just insulting and creates discord with the parent (and the desire to hide more from him and run away from home early).

And for a really difficult one, it raises the frustration threshold even more, hardens, turns on and makes the parent a target for struggle.

Frustration threshold is a difficult topic for non-specialists. I'll try to explain as simply as possible. Children are born different, each with its own peculiar nervous organization. Children become even more different when a unique developmental experience is added to the nervous organization.

Once an excellent scientist Lev Gumilyov investigated the problem of passionarity (and passionarity in many cases is just such a complete uncontrollability and insubordination) and came to the conclusion that passionarity may depend on special flares on the Sun. Among social factors, Gumilyov singled out such a factor as the intersection of ethnic groups, not so much different genes, but radically different cultures.

Modern research tends to the same point of view. Mutations, genetic features, and a special social environment, in which there is a gap between moral meanings, are involved in the appearance of such a nervous organization.

By itself, Gumilyov considered passionarity to be a very important and necessary phenomenon for mankind, but he noted that, if misdirected and used, it could turn into disaster. A pronounced passionary does not stop at any obstacles, any obstacle only stimulates him more to be active and to strive for a goal. Even if the goal is good, such a person can be dangerous (especially since the good is relative). What if the goal is not the common good? It is terrible to imagine what such a monster is capable of, obsessed with the idea of remaking the world according to his plan. And why pretend? You can read history.

Gumilev also singled out as a separate type - subpassionaries (people whose energy is directed to self-destruction, self-destruction) and harmonious (people who live normally, calmly and fit well into the social framework). All this is rather conditional. There may be a harmonious person with the features of a passionary or, conversely, a subpassionary, and sometimes at different periods of life.

From the point of view of psychophysiology, subpassionaries can be attributed to people with a very low frustration threshold, harmonious people - to those whose frustration threshold is normal, but passionaries are people with a very high, sometimes abnormally high frustration threshold.

The concept of frustration is misunderstood by many, even by some psychologists.

Frustration is not aggression that occurs when a person's needs collide with an obstacle. No. Aggression is just one of the forms of reaction to frustration, moreover, Kurt Lewin considered frustration accompanied by aggression to be incomplete. Because aggression is an additional energy that is released in an attempt to overcome an obstacle. You ran into a barrier and in a rage tried to break it. You are not completely frustrated because you are still trying to keep moving towards the goal, albeit in such a destructive way.

Real frustration is when a person stops moving when faced with an obstacle, gives up, cannot direct the same energy to anything constructive. He simply suppresses it, extinguishes or directs aggression inward.

An ordinary person, whose strong need is faced with an obstacle, first tries to overcome this obstacle, then looks for workarounds, and realizing that the obstacle is insurmountable, part of the need frustrates (extinguishes), and part tries to redirect somewhere (does not frustrate). This is a socially adequate being. Ideally, a small part should be extinguished, and a large part should be redirected. This is a well-adapted and stress-resistant personality.

A pronounced passionary is a person whose need knows no barriers at all. He will never give up on his goal. He will either die or head-butt the barrier (and yes, most do die, of course). In extreme cases, he will come up with a way to get around this wall, but not in a roundabout way and will not wait long, because he is seething with passion. Passionarity is a strong passion (passion = passion).

Do you understand what the frustration threshold is? This is such a conditional threshold, which depends on the qualities of the psyche and personality, having reached which a person believes that the barrier is too great and it is pointless to spend his energy further.

A normal person sees objective “no”, “impossible”, “it will cost too much” and retreats. Passionary begins to rush forward with a vengeance. Yes, barriers only turn on a real passionary. If a person's frustration threshold is very, very high, there is no such barrier that he would consider impassable for himself.

From the point of view of psychophysiology, this is a pathology, since such people are rather poorly adapted to life in the environment, and even more so in society, they often die. However, if we do not take extremes, that is, we do not consider the prohibitively high threshold of frustration, but simply consider it elevated, then we see a very purposeful person, perhaps a hero, and possibly a criminal, but the personality is quite strong (until she was physically broken or killed) .

Frustration threshold too low - same pathology. Such a person gives in from any difficulty, he is ready to accept any external rule as a law and will not try to circumvent it, and, having met any resistance on the way, will immediately give in. The norm is always in the middle, but the peculiarity of people lies in the fact that some normal people have a lower frustration threshold, some have an increased one, and all of them need (and can) learn to live happily.

Now imagine a small child. Your difficult and completely unmanageable.

He is physiologically made differently from his peers with whom you compare him. What's the point of beating him up? If it is from helplessness and anger, okay (better drink a sedative), but if this is a conscious method of education, then you are fools, not parents.

The majority of uncontrollable children, bypassing the crisis of 3 years of age (after approximately 4 years), become completely controllable. But (!) If the parents had not already ruined their relationship with them, while they were beating and tormenting them during the three-year crisis. During this time, you can become the enemy of the child, especially if you have a real passionary.

What is the difference between an unruly child and an obedient and quiet one?

Obedient is more sensitive, emotionally responsive, impressionable, anxious, so his frustration threshold is much lower. Mom just looked sadly, shook her head, and his desire to climb over there on that high shelf disappeared.

The outer “no” became a sufficient barrier, because his frustration threshold is very low, almost any barrier is enough for him to retreat.

You see that a child who is too obedient is also not very good, right? Any external “no” immediately becomes his internal law, he is suggestible, he is completely controllable. Everything is good in moderation.

What is a very naughty child? Oh, he can't hear you at all. To him, your op is just noise, like the sound of the sea. His excitement from desire (nervous, physiological, his psyche is so arranged) is so strong that you can even kill yourself, but he will climb where he has planned. If the frustration threshold is very high, you can beat him with mortal combat, he will cry, but still climb. No suffering will stop him, because fear is nothing compared to his need. I repeat again, most likely (9out of 10) he will outgrow this period, become adequate, but so far he is. Just accept this fact, for starters.

You think in vain that an obedient child is more reasonable and good, his need simply does not have such an energy force. He's not that passionate.

His need is weaker, it is easily removed by prohibition. And your terrible child has strong and powerful desires. He is a typhoon. Here's the one you got.

What do parents do when they beat and punish such children? They can turn them from possible heroes into possible criminals. Yes, let's not be afraid of big words, it's something like this happens. Not always, fortunately, but often.

What is the difference between a hero and a criminal? The first wants to do something for the benefit of society, the second is anti-social and wants to rob others. The second can be considered a psychopath, and passionaries who were beaten in childhood often turn into psychopaths. Imagine for yourself, their need has incredible energy power, they cannot cope with it, there are no mental reserves. And on the part of society (which is personified by parents and teachers), beatings and punishments come all the time. What is left for the children? Firstly, learn to lie and pretend (for self-defense), and secondly, to hate society as the main enemy, looking for means of struggle and revenge. (This must be understood not for the sake of justifying criminals, but for the sake of reducing their number).

The percentage of true passionaries is very small. Great heroes and true villains are rare.

Most unruly children will later normalize their frustration threshold and become perfectly normal and law-abiding citizens.

But during the periods of their riots, it is not necessary to spoil relations with them and turn them against yourself and society, making life difficult for yourself and social adaptation for them.

And what can be done, I'll tell you now.

Now I can’t say what to do with children with a real conduct disorder (who even at 8-10 years old destroy everything, behave aggressively and do not respect the minimum rules) and how to correct adolescent psychopaths, this is too difficult a problem (although interesting and a lot of research and experimentation is underway). But I can tell you what to do with small children with a high threshold of frustration, the very ones who do not want to obey, are very stubborn, insist on their own, lie (because they are punished) and violate all prohibitions.

It is very difficult or impossible to frustrate their energy, sometimes it is easier for them to break all the bones than to prohibit them from wanting something and climbing somewhere. But their energy can be redirected by suggesting another goal or several goals. And this is the ONLY way. Do you understand? It is almost impossible to ban, stop, intimidate, prove.

You can redirect your attention. This is the only option. And it is better to occupy their attention BEFORE they choose a destructive goal for themselves, otherwise it will be difficult to distract.

You need to get their attention in advance. There will be a wasteland, they will fill it themselves and in a way that you will not like it.

Parents should understand very well that the main enemy of such children is BOREDOM.

Out of boredom, such children are ready not only to violate parental prohibitions, but to jump out the window and this is not a joke. Understand that people's minds are different. And the unformed children's psyche is especially bizarre. Anxious children tolerate boredom much better, but such children cannot at all, boredom kills them and blows their minds. They experience a real torment, the strongest torment of hell, when you make them just sit or do something boring, useful, but uninteresting. They need emotions, they are emotional gluttons from birth. They will grow up and learn self-regulation, but for now it is very difficult for them to live in your boring adult world.

Here is the experience of a father who turned out to be so attentive and smart that he immediately realized that the scourge of his difficult child (which all nannies, kindergartens and even the mother agreed to refuse) was boredom. He becomes very aggressive out of boredom (and there is most likely a genetic feature, because his father is the same), and in an interesting game - he is very adequate, quick-witted, responsive, a normal child.

Never put such children in a corner, do not punish them with boredom and sitting on a chair, do not act like stupid monsters, they can't stand boredom anyway, and you torture them even more.

If you beat such children, you not only create the image of adult enemies in them, but also raise, harden their pain threshold, and soon they begin to love to fight, love even physical punishment, love blood and beatings (inflict and receive , Yes). It's hard to imagine, but it's true. This is very typical for passionaries: in emotional heat they do not feel and are not afraid of pain. And if the pain threshold has been trained since childhood, then even more so they love to fight.

Boredom is so unbearable for such children that any pain and danger becomes a boon for them. And you additionally accustom them to pain, make pain habitual or even pleasant for them. What for?

It is better to let their pain threshold remain lower, then reverence, a barrier will remain before pain, and they will risk their health less in their lives. Pain has a protective function, it is not necessary to abolish it, it is very dangerous.

The only way to deal with such children is to keep them constantly in a state of some kind of enthusiasm, some interesting tasks. Oh yes, it's hard, but it's the only way. As soon as they get bored, they begin to violate your prohibitions, do everything that is impossible, rush to dangers and adventures. Do not think that their goal is to drive you crazy, but for them it is better than just sitting in unbearable four walls in an endless stretch of time. Time for such a child is stretched so that every five minutes turn into five weeks. Imagine that you have to sit and stare at a wall for five weeks. You want to smash your head against that wall, don't you? This is exactly what your child wants.

Don't compare your child to others. The other one has a different mentality, he endures boredom better, he can focus on a book or a toy for an hour (too low a threshold of frustration is also bad, I repeat, up to a certain age, healthy children should be restless), but yours is like this, he is unbearable in ordinary conditions, he needs constant action, a constant game, a constant change of events, a constant load, mental and physical.

Your task is not only to feed him and put him to bed, but also to provide him with an adequate level of workload, impressions and incentives. If there are too few of them, he will languish and rage, howl and climb the walls.