How to deal with a child that doesnt listen
Do's and Don'ts When Kids Won't Listen – Cleveland Clinic
It’s a familiar drill. You’ve asked your child to do some task, but they flatly refuse to do it. You’ve tried all the tricks: You’ve used the “mom voice,” counted to three, and broken out all the stops, and your child still defies you. It’s enough to make any parent frustrated!
When it’s time to get serious and discipline your child, do you know if you’re disciplining them correctly? Are you sure you’re making the right choices? Where do you draw the line?
Pediatrician Edward Gaydos, DO has some dos and don’ts for you to follow when it comes time to discipline your little one.
1. Don’t view discipline as punishment
Discipline may feel as though you’re punishing your kids. However, discipline is more of a means of actively engaging with kids to help mold their moral character — a way to teach them right from wrong. And this is a skill that is vital to functioning in society.
“With discipline, we’re teaching our children self-control and restraint,” explains Dr. Gaydos. “Punishment is a direct, pointed penalty or a loss of privilege that serves as retribution.”
While discipline is far more effective than punishment, know that it does require a little more work. Just remember that it’s a process.
2. Do find opportunities for praise
It’s important to pay attention to what your child is doing that’s good, and recognize that aloud to your child, Dr. Gaydos advises.
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Make an effort to notice when your child is actively engaged in appropriate behaviors, “being good,” and compliment them accordingly. Giving positive attention to good behavior can go a long way. It can help mold your child’s behavior, but it can also build their confidence in themselves too.
“Take the time to listen fully to what your child has to say, and agree when appropriate. If you disagree, say so. Make sure you take the time to let them know why,” Dr. Gaydos says.
Parents who are available to, and show empathy toward, their children serve as excellent role models, he notes.
Communication is always the key.
3. Do set limits and keep them
We all have to abide by limits in our world, and your child needs to understand those boundaries too. Take the time to let youngsters and adolescents know the appropriate behaviors you expect from them. But once you set your limit, be sure to stick to it. A good example of this is setting a curfew.
“We set these limits, then we follow through with them,” says Dr. Gaydos. “If your child falters, they should know that there will be a consistent, expected consequence. There are no surprises, no new negotiations and no retractions.”
4. Do be specific
Assuming your child should know what you want and not being clear about what you expect in advance will lead to frustrations for both you and your child. Set clear, realistic limits with your child. And be specific with goals.
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“Warning children, ‘You better be good,’ is too broad and general a message,” says Dr. Gaydos.
Being specific with tasks — like letting them know exactly what “good” looks like — helps them understand what’s expected of them. Good may mean not interrupting an adult who’s speaking, for example, or not running through a crowded airport.
5. You’re their parent, not their buddy
It may be tempting to treat your kids like they’re your best friend. But kids need you to lead and teach them as they grow. Disciplining your child and setting limits will instill confidence as they learn to navigate through life.
“With discipline, we’re not passive observers suddenly required to react. We’re actively involved as teachers,” says Dr. Gaydos. “It’s an ongoing process and requires work.”
But disciplining will pay dividends as you watch your youngster grow, become more confident and develop a good moral compass.
6 Ways to Handle Kids Who Won't Listen
We had just finished a great morning of tailgating and made our way into the stadium at Notre Dame for the big game.
That’s when my son decided to throw temper tantrum after temper tantrum, refusing to obey my wife and me, mocking our rules, and disregarding years of established acceptable behavior in our family. Instead of listening and behaving, my son would give us the “evil eye” and laugh when we attempted to reprimand him. Not only that, but he would also mimic everything we’d say to him.
“Michael, sit down and stop throwing your popcorn,” I said. He had been throwing popcorn and yelling “hello” at the other fans seated near us. “Michael, stop throwing popcorn, blah, blah, blah,” my son replied in his 8-year-old mocking tone. I felt like a parental failure and, in my mind, was revisiting everything I thought I knew about raising kids who listen. I knew there had to be something I could do to make sure my kids were better behaved and I set out to figure out what. Here are 6 ways to handle kids who won’t listen.
1. Don’t back down from rules and limits.
Nothing is worse than being inconsistent with your rules and limits.
It can be arduous and even embarrassing when your child throws a fit, but don’t give in. This is a foundational principle in getting through to kids who won’t listen because it teaches them you won’t give in no matter how bad their public outburst is. If there are no cracks in the foundation, they’ll quickly learn your resolve is real and no act of disobedience will move you from your rules and limits.
2. Be realistic with punishment.
If your child does break the rules, be practical and committed to a penalty that sets the tone but doesn’t go over the top. If it does, your chance of sticking to it is next to nil and you’ll teach the child your words ring hollow. Then, he or she will continue to push, knowing there won’t be follow-through. I learned this again recently when, in a moment of weakness, I threatened to ban my boys from video games for good. They knew that wasn’t realistic, so my words didn’t mean much. Here’s how you deal with a child who doesn’t listen: You have to make sure your actions match your words.
3. Listen, listen, listen.
There’s no better way to teach your children to listen than modeling the behavior yourself.
There’s no better way to teach your children to listen than modeling the behavior yourself. By allowing our kids to speak while we listen, they can see firsthand the importance of the behavior and how active listening always matters. Your kids will feel your respect and be set to return that respect when you speak to them. So much of what our kids do is based on what they see their parents live daily. Model active listening when interacting with your children and they’ll return the favor.
4. Reward the right behaviors.
When your child listens and does the right things, make sure you praise it and let them know it’s appreciated. Praise goes a long way toward changing overall behavior. Everyone, including your kids, wants to be rewarded for good behavior. By showing your kids a significant upside to acting the right way, they’ll make a habit of it and reap the rewards.
5. Give kids another chance.
While sometimes giving a child a second chance can be difficult, allowing them to see grace in receiving a reprieve will help them appreciate the opportunity. Second chances teach kids that even when they make mistakes, you will love and guide them. At the football game, I could have quickly taken my son to the concourse and offered him a chance to settle down and reset his behavior. This vital lesson teaches our children it’s never too late to start over and do the right thing.
6. Live the Golden Rule.
They might be struggling with unruly behavior, but treat your kids with respect. Treating your kids with respect—the kind you’re asking from them—means they’ll understand more fully what you are aiming for and it does help when you’re trying to figure out how to deal with a child who won’t listen. It’s easy to be disrespectful when your child is defiant. But even in times of difficulty, mutual respect shows our kids doing the right thing is always the best way to solve conflict or a problem.
Sound off: Do you know how to deal with a child who doesn’t listen? What has worked for you?
What to do if a child does not obey his parents
Komsomolskaya Pravda
Dom. FamilyMom and babyMom and baby: Education and development
Natalia ANDREASSEN
November 16, 2018 2:04
Ways that allow you to get your child to listen to you without threats and shouting
Does the child seem not to hear you? Maybe you just don't know how to talk to him. Photo: photo bank Lori
You've already jumped out of your skin, and your dear child still doesn't want to sit down for lessons, eat porridge or put away toys. There is no strength to persuasion, grabbing a belt or yelling is non-pedagogical ... How to make a child obey you? Advice is given by our expert - family and child psychologist, mother of three children Regina BESEDA .
1. Stop and think
- Before you make any movements towards the child, pause and think: what exactly do you not like right now? Turn emotions into words, clearly formulate a thought before starting a conversation.
- And if you still shout?
- When we speak in raised tones, information rarely reaches the addressee. There is such an expression in psychology - "ears are turned off." And vice versa, the protection system turns on: the child begins to resist or pretend that he does not hear us at all. nine0004
2. Talk eye to eye
- You want your child to see your face. Clearly, with calm articulation, say what you want from him.
- Isn't it possible to talk without looking up, for example, from the stove?
- Everyone appreciates attention. If we adults talk with our backs to each other, that would be disrespectful, wouldn't it? Likewise, when you turn to a child, you show: yes, I have time for you. Then the child will not miss your requests and comments. nine0004
3. Do without "can't"
- We often use these words: "Don't do it! It is forbidden!" But there is a simple exercise for parents.
Close your eyes right now and imagine an elephant. See? Now imagine the “not” particle. How does she look? Letters? But before you is a child who cannot read. And does not know any letters! He thinks in pictures. Therefore, when we say "elephant", the child sees an elephant. And when we say "don't do ..." - the child omits the particle "not" and hears everything else. "Don't scream," he screams. "Don't run" - he runs. nine0004
What to do? Instead of "can't" say "can", explaining what needs to be done in a particular situation. For example, your child ran across the street. Do not shout “no!”, but say: “You can only cross with your mother.” The child will remember this wording and will do so.
- And if he still does not respond?
- Alas, most often adults talk to a child either with orders (“Hush! Get up! Done!”) or with excessively frequent requests (“Speak more quietly, please”). But after all, you can respond to a request in different ways. And the child has the right to refuse to comply with it.
If we ask the baby for something in a conflict situation, it should definitely not be a request. But it is not an order either - a rigid form of communication that violates personal boundaries. nine0004
- What to choose?
- Instructions. Instead of "do not run up the stairs - you will fall" we say "they walk calmly up the stairs." And the child will automatically do it. If you repeat the threat “you will fall on the stairs”, the child will fix this and will certainly fall ...
Psychologist Regina Beseda is a mother of three children herself. Photo: vk.com
in a fit of anger, the parents say to the child: “Vasya, finally put your toys away!” - starting with a name. Forget about this form! Why? Because a person should treat his name not as a punishment, but as an encouragement. Address somehow differently: "Baby, it's time to put away the toys, they want to go to the house." nine0004 But if you want to praise, use the name: “Yes, Vasya, you did a great job, you did it!” And fix your attention on this, finishing the discussion of the problem. 5. Prohibition on blackmail - Many people like phrases like "if you don't bring me slippers, I'll be offended by you." But such phrases indicate that we do not love our child with unconditional love. And if we do not want our children to blackmail us in this way when they grow up (“if you don’t buy a new phone, I’ll leave home”), don’t set a bad example. nine0004 IMPORTANT! When to punish... Up to 2 years punishments are generally inappropriate. At this age, the child does everything that the adult tells him. It is enough to slightly change the intonation - and the baby will understand that he did something wrong. If up to 2 years the period is lived quietly, then, as a rule, parents do not encounter either aggression or tantrums of the child. And if this happens, it means that he either starts to get sick, or has not had enough sleep. From 2 to 3 years old - the age when the child just shakes the law. The main thing here is the wisdom of parents: we monitor our speech speed, intonation - and the child will do what you ask him to do. There will be nothing to punish. From 3 to 5 years - at this age it's time to teach your baby to live by the rules. If you indulge a child in everything, he will grow up to be an egoist. Therefore, he must have some responsibilities. Say, put on your own boots. It's important that things work out. Therefore, let the shoes be not with laces, but with Velcro. nine0004 From 5 to 8 years - if the relationship with a child at this age is in crisis, you need to contact a psychologist, because he has already formed traditions and habits. And we need to understand where they came from. ...and encourage? ! A purchase cannot be an incentive. In order for a child to develop normally, feeling needed and loved, he must be stroked and caressed at least 8 times a day. ! Encouragement should be intellectual, reinforcing the child’s self-confidence: “What a good fellow, that you came up with this, how great you did it!” ! Your attention, which the child appreciates more than gifts, will also be a form of encouragement. Say, for half an hour a day, you and your child read, lie on the floor on pillows, or walk. Or are you talking: how do dolls live? Or how are things in the garage? Maybe the cars should be taken to the car wash - to the bathroom? And the child will be grateful for such high-quality communication. nine0004 USEFUL EXERCISE We train and switch attention Is the child distracted? You have to train your attention. For example, an adult offers a game on the street: name everything yellow that you see around. And the child learns to focus only on yellow: a car, a passer-by's clothes, leaves. Age category of the site 18+ The online publication (website) is registered by Roskomnadzor, certificate El No. FS77-80505 dated March 15, 2021. EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF THE SITE - KANSK VICTOR FYODOROVICH. THE AUTHOR OF THE MODERN VERSION OF THE EDITION IS SUNGORKIN VLADIMIR NIKOLAEVICH. Messages and comments from site readers are posted without preliminary editing. The editors reserve the right to remove them from the site or edit them if the specified messages and comments are an abuse of freedom mass media or violation of other requirements of the law. nine0004 EDITORIAL AND REGIONAL ISSUE PUBLISHER "MODERN MEDIA" LLC. Address: 241050, Bryansk, st. Fokina, 108a. PHONES: director - (4832) 30-90-35, editorial office - (4832) 30-90-37, advertising - (4832) 30-90-36. Exclusive rights to materials posted on the website www.kp.ru, in accordance with the legislation of the Russian Federation for the Protection of the Results of Intellectual Activity belong to JSC Publishing House Komsomolskaya Pravda, and do not be used by others in any way form without the written permission of the copyright holder. nine0004 Acquisition of copyright and contact with the editor: [email protected] Behavior we call bad can have many causes. Each child is an individual, he has his own special character, habits and reactions. However, some general patterns can be identified that explain why children behave contrary to generally accepted norms. The child grows, matures, from unconditional obedience to the authority of parents comes to the realization of himself as a separate person. There is a critical attitude to the requirements of adults, attempts to shift the boundaries of what is permitted. In such critical periods, it is important for parents to understand that this phenomenon is temporary, to try to help the child survive a difficult time. At the same time, you should not rely only on the attitude “this is age-related, it will outgrow”, it is important to continue the educational process and not ignore the problems that arise. nine0004 Crisis of three years. One of the most difficult periods of a child's life, when the baby is separated from the mother, a stormy surge of independence and a desire to establish oneself in the world as a separate being with its own desires, likes and dislikes. Crisis of seven years. Seven years is the moment of transition from the preschool period to the beginning of schooling. This is a big change for a child, he can experience serious stress, parting with his usual way of life, from games to full-fledged learning. On the one hand, a newly-made student feels like a completely grown-up and longs for an appropriate relationship, on the other hand, it is difficult for him to reorganize, to come from the carelessness of the preschool period to greater responsibility and organization. Teen crisis. The very "transitional age" that scares a lot of parents. A teenager is not yet an adult, but is no longer a baby, unquestioningly obeying his parents and obeying the rules. Your child learns to be a person, show character, argue, be rude and constantly test their parents for strength. This is a period of self-identification and assertion of one's individuality and one's special place in the world. Therefore, parents need, on the one hand, to accept the inevitable maturation and the already practically formed character of their child, on the other hand, not to lose their authority, to determine the boundaries of behavior that should not be crossed. In addition to age-related crises, there are many reasons why a child can behave badly and disobey their parents. Here are the most common ones: - Physical condition. If a child is hungry, tired, in pain and uncomfortable, this can provoke whims, stubbornness and disobedience. Very young children are sometimes even unable to understand for themselves what is wrong in their feelings, but even a schoolboy can snap or refuse to fulfill a request if, for example, he has a headache. nine0004 - Resentment. The child wanted to show or tell something very important to him, but he was brushed aside? Or did they not believe his version in a conflict situation and were unfairly punished? Even a joke spoken out of place or a careless phrase can cause a rather strong reaction, and an offended child will not want to obey those who caused him negative emotions. - Lack of attention and love. It often happens that children who do not feel loved, important and meaningful to their parents, try to attract attention by any means. The child behaves defiantly, his whole behavior says "notice me, I'm here." nine0004 – Family conflicts. When the atmosphere at home is tense, there are constant quarrels and showdowns, the child, by his behavior, will try to remind his parents that they have forgotten about him, plunging into conflict with his head. Some children even feel guilty about parenting problems, and this feeling can also result in pranks and unsightly acts. - Too strict. Too many prohibitions and punishments lead to the most natural outcome for the child - to rebellion against restrictions. The child is trying to feel at least a little freedom, to do something out of spite. This “struggle for independence” is especially stormy if most of the prohibitions are not justified or explained in any way. nine0004 – Permissiveness. - Inconsistency in the actions of adults. If parents cannot agree on what is allowed and what is not, make different, conflicting demands and claims to the child, his confusion and throwing between two fires can cause disobedience and behavioral problems. Even more unpleasant consequences will cause punishment by one of the parents for those actions that the other allowed and approved. nine0004 - Jealousy. Quite often, older children in the family where the newborn appears begin to behave badly. If the child was not ready for such changes in life or feels deprived of parental love and attention because of a new family member, he may stop obeying, being capricious and demanding more attention to himself. Let's talk about typical examples of bad behavior in children. Unwillingness to obey parents and fulfill their requests or demands can look different, and parents need to understand how to respond and what to do in each situation. nine0004 Probably almost every parent at some point faces the fact that a child commits dangerous acts that can lead to unpleasant, and even tragic consequences. Children grab sharp objects, suddenly stop in the middle of the road, climb onto the top shelf of a closet, and so on. This happens because a small child cannot yet fully understand what danger and pain are, build logical connections. Cursing is pointless - from the point of view of the child, he does not do anything wrong. Behavior associated with a threat to the life and health of a child is an area in which strict limits and unconditional obedience are necessary. nine0004 What to do? Protest behavior is typical for children of all ages, but it is especially pronounced at the age of 3-4, when the child's immediate reactions to requests or prohibitions are expressed by screaming, hysteria, loud indignant refusals. The child, as it were, is trying to prove to adults that he is already completely independent, understands everything better, and what his parents ask for, for example, to brush his teeth or get dressed, is something not worth attention. nine0004 What to do? The child has not yet learned or ignores the rules of behavior in public places. He runs, crashes into other people, talks loudly, kicks the backs of the seats of people sitting in front in transport, and much more. Most often this happens if the parents did not fully foresee what might happen, and the preparation of the child for the fact that other rules and frameworks apply outside the home was not very successful. What to do Sometimes you get the feeling that your child has announced a boycott. What to do Young children can make a scene to get their parents to buy a toy or sweet they like. The child screams, cries, falls into hysterics and demands that he be sure to give way. This phenomenon can be considered age-related, since as they grow older, such cases occur less and less until they stop altogether. nine0004 What to do There may be many cases in your life when children will not obey you. And each time you will need to delve into and figure out why this happens, and what you can do both at the moment of bad behavior to stop it, and later - to prevent such situations from happening again. Here are some more tips for parents of naughty children. 
And don't say: "Do you remember, you were afraid..." 
nine0004 
But we can’t buy 8 cars or dolls a day! And remember: when a child has everything, he stops dreaming. nine0004 
.. Such training also helps in conflict situations. When we say, for example: let's see which eye you have more tears - from the right or from the left? The child switches: is it true, from which one? And now he doesn't cry anymore. nine0004 
General Director - V.V. Kiselev, Editor of KP-Bryansk - V. V. Kiselev, E-mail: [email protected] What to do if a child does not obey parents . But frequent disobedience, ignoring requests and comments, screams and tantrums - this is an occasion to think about the reasons for such behavior. Is it gaps in upbringing, a protracted reaction to stress, a personality crisis, or an attempt to attract attention? In our article, we will talk about why children do not obey, and how to behave to parents in order to correct the situation, maintaining a close and trusting relationship with the child.
nine0004 Age crises
The kid really wants to do everything himself, but he does not always succeed, besides, parents do not allow everything for objective reasons, the understanding of which is not yet available to the child. The reactions of the child in such situations are usually stormy, with screams and tears, often with hysteria, stamping their feet and trying to fight, he becomes stubborn and angry. Parents during a crisis should be calm and cool, not succumb to children's provocations and clearly outline the boundaries of what is permitted. At the same time, it is imperative to show the child that he is loved, listened to and accepted as a person. nine0004 
Children in a time of crisis may grimace more, try to imitate adults in behavior and reasoning, painfully perceive criticism, be rude and argue on any occasion. It is important for adults to gradually reduce the level of guardianship and control, allowing the child to make decisions and make mistakes. Be interested in his life and feelings, respect his opinion, support him. Along with new responsibilities, give your child more freedom. nine0004 
A teenage protest can be very violent, but if the family has a trusting and warm relationship, there is respect and support, then you can always negotiate with your children. nine0004 Why children do not obey
Reverse side of the medal. You should not both prohibit the child absolutely everything, and choose the absence of any restrictions. Some "don'ts" must exist in the family in order to avoid spoilage and debauchery. Allowing something does not mean indulging in everything, and forbidding does not mean becoming a tyrant and despot. 
Dangerous Behavior
This, for example, can be the word "dangerous" or "stop". It’s better not to use “no” - the child hears this prohibition quite often, for emergency situations you need a special sign. The signal word should evoke a reflex response, leaving no time for reflection. 
Children protest
If the point is, what color of trousers to go to kindergarten, yellow or red, let the child choose for himself - in the end, these are his clothes and personal taste. nine0221 Disturbing behavior
Ignore
He behaves as if his parents do not exist, he does not listen to their requests and does not do what he is asked to do. This can happen for two reasons: the child is either so withdrawn into himself and preoccupied with his thoughts or fantasies that he simply does not hear and does not perceive what is being said to him; or it is another manifestation of protest, a demonstration of resentment or discontent. In the first case, ignoring may indicate that the child is gifted and thinks in several directions at the same time, or about possible problems with concentration or other problems. Demonstrative behavior shows that relations in the family, for some reason, have somewhat gone wrong. nine0004
Demanding to give what they want immediately
Calmness and kindness are your main tools for dealing with your child's behavior problems. nine0221 
It is not surprising that in order to receive at least some feedback from adults, the child begins to behave inappropriately. Praise using specifics: it’s better not just to say “You are so good!”, But to focus on what the child did: “I’m glad that you put your toys away yourself, now the room is in order, and I have more time to play with you ". nine0221 
