How to correct a child that lies

Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do to Stop It

Call them fibs, whoppers or straight-up untruths: However you label them, kids are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn’t possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework.

Sometimes the onset of lying is sudden and intense, reports Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. “It’s a new thing where they were pretty truthful most of the time before and then suddenly they’re lying about a lot of stuff,” he says. This, of course, is concerning to parents. But if caregivers can understand why kids lie and be prepared to deal with the issue, the truth can come out.

 Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don’t want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why kids might not tell the truth — or at least the whole truth.

To test out a new behavior

Dr. Rouse says one reason children lie is because they’ve discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. “They’ll wonder, what happens if I lie about this situation?” he says. “What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?’”

To enhance self-esteem and gain approval

Children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others.  Dr. Rouse recalls treating an eighth-grader who was exaggerating wildly about 80 percent of the time: “They were kind of incredible experiences that weren’t within the bounds of plausible at all.” For instance, the boy would say he’d gone to a party and everyone had started to chant for him when he came in the door.

To get the focus off themselves

Children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them, Dr. Rouse notes. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like “No, no I slept fine last night” because they don’t want people worrying about them.

Speaking before they think

Carol Brady, PhD, a clinical psychologist and regular columnist for ADDitude magazine who works with a lot of kids with ADHD, says they may lie out of impulsivity. “One of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think,” she says, “so a lot of times you’re going to get this lying issue.”

Sometimes kids can really believe they’ve done something and tell what sounds like a lie, Dr. Brady adds. “Sometimes they’ll really just forget. I have kids who say, ‘To tell you the truth, Dr. Brady, I thought I did my homework. I really thought I did. I didn’t remember I had that extra work.’” When this happens, she says, they need help supplementing their memory by using techniques such as checklists, time limits and organizers.

And then there are white lies

Just to make things even trickier, in certain situations parents might actually encourage children to tell a white lie in order to spare someone’s feelings. In this case, the white lie and when to use it fall under the umbrella of social skills.

Both Dr. Rouse and Dr. Brady say it’s first important to think about the function of the lie. “When I’m doing an evaluation, there are questions on our intake forms where parents can check off whether the child lies,” Dr. Rouse says. “It’s something I might spend 20 minutes delving into. What kinds of lies, what are the circumstances of the lies?” He says behavioral treatments depend on the function of the lies and the severity of the problem. “There are no hard and fast guidelines,” he says. “Different levels mean different repercussions.”

Level 1 lie

When it comes to attention-seeking lying, Dr. Rouse says that, generally speaking, it’s best to ignore it. Rather than saying harshly, “That’s a lie. I know that didn’t happen to you,” he suggests a gentle approach where parents don’t necessarily have a consequence but they’re also not trying to feed it a lot of attention.

This is especially true if the lying is coming from place of low self-esteem. “So if they’re saying, ‘I scored 10 goals today at recess in soccer and everybody put me on their shoulders and it was amazing’ and you think it’s not true, then I would say don’t ask a bunch of follow-up questions.” For these kind of low-level lies that aren’t really hurting anyone but aren’t good behavior, ignoring and redirecting to something that you know is more factual is the way to go.

Level 2 lie

If that doesn’t work, Dr. Rouse says, parents can be more transparent about it by offering a mild reprimand. “I’ve had situations where it’s an inflated kind of fantastical type of lie,” he says. “I’ll have parents label it and call it a tall tale. If the child is telling one of these stories, a parent will gently say, ‘Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?’ ” It’s about pointing out the behavior and encouraging kids to try again.

Level 3 lie

If something is more serious, like older kids lying about where they’ve been or whether they’ve done their homework, parents can think about having a consequence. Kids should be clear that there will be repercussions for this kind of lie, so it’s not coming out of the blue. Like all consequences, Dr. Rouse recommends it should be something short-lived, not overblown, which gives the child a chance to get back to practicing better behaviors. Some examples: losing her phone for an hour or having to do a chore

Also, depending on the severity, there also has to be a component of addressing what they were lying about. If a child has said he didn’t have any homework all week and then the parent finds out he had homework every day, there needs to be some kind of consequence for the lying and he also has to sit down and do all the work. If he’s hit another child and lied about it, there’s a consequence for the lying and also for hitting. In this case, Dr. Rouse says, you would also have him write an apology letter to the other child.

Let them know the truth reduces consequences

For instance, if teens have been drinking at a party, the parent will want them to call to be picked up. But kids know there also has to be a consequence for the drinking. “There’s a hard balance to strike between having the open dialogue but also setting appropriate limits when necessary,” Dr. Rouse says.

In this situation, where lying would have been easier, when parents are doling out the consequence they can also praise the child for telling the truth and tell them it makes them more trustworthy. They might also reduce the consequence, such as letting kids know they’re taking their phone away for a day instead of a week.

Dr. Rouse adds one caveat: Children and teens should not think consequences are negotiable. “Sometimes the kid will say, ‘But I told you the truth,’” he says. “They’ll get manipulative, saying, ‘This is just making me want to never tell the truth again.’” Parents shouldn’t give in at that point.

Use truth checks

Let’s say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn’t do her homework. Dr. Brady suggests that they give their kid a chance to tell the truth. If she doesn’t at first, the parents could say, “I’m going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I’m going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it’s just a truth check and you won’t get in trouble.”

This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because she’s scared of consequences or she doesn’t want to disappoint a parent, she has the chance to really think about whether she wants to lie or fess up without the consequences. Dr. Brady notes that this technique isn’t for a child who chronically lies.

Use the preamble method

Parents can also set up kids to tell the truth by reminding them that they don’t expect perfection, Dr. Brady notes. Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.

Give kids with ADHD more time to think

Dr. Brady says kids with ADHD, who are prone to giving impulsive answers that come out as lies, need some extra time to think things through before speaking. Impulsivity can be a problem both at home and in school, when a teacher asks if a child has finished an assignment and the child answers yes without even looking at his paper. That’s when he needs to be taught to slow down and check his work.

Don’t ever corner your child

Putting a child on the spot can set him up to lie. If parents know the true story, Dr. Brady recommends, they should go right to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking a child if he didn’t do his homework a parent could just say, “I know you didn’t do it. Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea.”

Don’t label your child a liar

It’s a big mistake to call a child a liar, Dr Brady argues. The wound it creates is bigger than dealing with what he lied about in the first place. He thinks, “Mom won’t believe me.” It makes him feel bad about himself and may set up a pattern of lying.

Frequently Asked Questions

Children lie for several reasons, such as testing out a new behavior or gaining approval. Children who lack confidence may tell lies to make themselves seem more impressive to their peers. Children with anxiety or depression might lie about how they’re feeling so their parents don’t worry about them. Children with ADHD may lie out of impulsivity, speaking before they think.

To deal with a lying child, you can give them a chance to tell the truth, praise them when they do, and remind them that perfection isn’t expected. Parents can give children with ADHD more time to think things through before speaking, as they tend to speak impulsively.

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5 Tips to Handle When Your Child Lies

Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors

In this Article

• Advantages and Disadvantages of Your Child Lying

Kids lie for many reasons. They may want to avoid a consequence or say what comes to mind even if it’s not true. Children may start lying suddenly. This can be shocking for parents who have dealt with an honest child until now. Knowing why your child is lying and how to talk to them can help stop this behavior.  

Understanding why children start lying can help you treat the underlying reason. Children typically lie for four reasons. 

1. They may not know better. 
2. They may know it’s wrong to lie but have a stronger desire to accomplish something else. 
3. They may say what pops in their head without filtering. 
4. They may try to mislead an adult because they have negative feelings towards them. 

Determine how serious your child's lies are. Depending on your child’s age, there may be different intentions behind their lying. A young child may tell tall tales which isn’t always a problem. An older child may lie about their behavior. This secret keeping could lead to serious behavioral problems as an adult. 

Correct lying behavior. You should not punish or corner your child when they’re caught in a lie. This can lead to more serious lies or resentment. Instead, remain calm and explain to them why lying is wrong. You can also provide them with facts. Then encourage them to tell you the story again but truthfully. 

How to handle your child lying. Don’t scold or yell at them when you catch them in a lie. You’ll want to keep communication honest and comfortable between you and your child. The following steps will help you handle your child’s lies:

1. View lies as skill-building. As your child gets older, they’ll test what they can get away with. This is how they learn consequences. 
2. Respond to lies with facts. Especially when dealing with children under the age of three, let them know that there are facts. Lay out evidence that contradicts their lies. 
3. Help them find a way to deal with certain behaviors. If you catch your child in a lie, let them know that they can tell you the truth. 
4. If they see you lie, they’ll lie. Your child will watch how you respond to things, and if you’re lying, they will think they can too. 
5. Let older children know there are times when small lies can be okay. Then teach them the moral consequences of bigger lies. Let them see how you’ve been caught in lies and let it be a learning experience for them. 

You should be concerned when your child lies frequently. If your child’s lying is paired with other concerning behavior, they may have psychological problems. A child that lies and doesn’t have friends can also be a concern. They may feel isolated and lonely. If your child lies and shows no signs of remorse or guilt, they might have underlying issues as well.

By age three, your child may already understand what lying is. Children often start lying to cover up actions they know are wrong. But lying can also signify cognitive and social understanding. Advantages of your child lying include: 

• Cognitive ability. It takes cognitive skills to regulate their actions, plan their lies, and strategize when they lie. Lying is a problematic behavior, but it could be your child’s way of developing their thoughts and actions.  
• Controlling their thoughts. Your child will need to go against what they’re trained to think to maintain a lie. This shows that some children can hold conflicting thoughts in their minds and control which action they talk about. 
• That doesn’t mean they have a lack of morals. Just because lying is bad, doesn’t mean your child is. Some studies have shown that there is little to no relationship between children’s lying behavior and moral understanding. 

Disadvantages include:

• Lying because they’re stressed. Your child may lie because they feel a lot of pressure to act a certain way. They may be feeling pressure from their parents. This could lead to low self-esteem and frequent lying to avoid the truth. 
• Unable to explain their actions. Your child may not understand that what they are doing is wrong. If they don’t know their behavior is bad, they continue to lie about their actions. They may not have the cognitive ability to understand why they’re lying.  
• Used to get attention. If your child feels neglected, they may come up with lies to get your attention. This may be a coping mechanism for not getting the praise that they want. This is a behavioral problem that can be addressed. 

The child lies and deceives. What to do?

Many parents are faced with the fact that the child tells lies - lies and deceives.
As a rule, the reaction of parents to such behavior is to scold, shame, punish the child.

But once you begin to understand why your child lies and cheats, then you can help him change his behavior and become more honest. The key word here is "help". Not to force, not to force, but to help the child not to lie and deceive, but to tell you the truth. nine0004

Reasons why a child lies and deceives

If we start to figure out why a child lies and deceives, we will see that he is just the same afraid of punishment, screaming and being scolded. It's kind of a vicious circle. The more we scold the child for deceit, the more he will hide the truth from us in the future. What is the way out of this?

Children, as a rule, find quite logical reasons to hide the truth - they want to avoid unpleasant consequences for themselves, they do not want to disappoint their parents, they do not want to listen to screams and hourly moralizing. nine0004

It is hard for a child not to lie when he knows exactly what a very unpleasant outcome awaits him for the truth. Therefore, understanding all these reasons, we need to create such conditions in the family so that the child can easily tell us everything as it is.

There are also cases when a child wants to embellish the situation in order to impress others more, to gain more weight in the eyes of others. This happens when the child feels that he is not good enough as he is. nine0004

And instead of scolding him, he needs to be understood and assured that everything is all right with him and that he does not have to invent something about himself that is not really there.

Or it may be that the child does not deceive on purpose, but understands or remembers the situation in his own way and retells it exactly as he perceived it. In this case, it would be completely unfair to talk about deception. It's just the way the kid remembers it.

For some children, fantasizing is a psychological defense that helps them cope with some difficult circumstances in their lives. nine0004

For example, a child's dog has died. He does not want to believe it and fantasizes that the dog actually just ran away and lives in the forest. At the same time, he himself begins to believe in this fantasy so much that he tells others about it. Can we say in this case that the child is cheating? No. He uses fantasy to protect himself from painful experiences for which he was not ready. In his subjective, inner world, the dog really lives in the forest. And he believes in it.

Again, when we punish children for lying, they continue to lie in the hope of avoiding any punishment in the future. The following nine tips will help you build more trust in your relationship with your child. They will help you establish a climate in the family in which it will be easy for children to tell the truth. nine0004

Please just be patient and understand that the situation cannot change quickly. It takes time for trust to grow between you again. Be patient and consistent.

9 tips to help your child not lie and tell the truth:

1. Remain calm and respond adequately to your child's misconduct

Try not to frighten your child with your emotional reactions to his actions, hurtful words, shouting, threats and punishments. Such reactions do not educate children for the future, they do not teach them something new. They just help you blow off steam, but instill fear in your child. nine0004

Therefore, watch how you respond to children's "bad" behavior. For example, on spilled juice on the carpet, spilled salt, untidy toys, unwashed hands, unfinished homework. If a child knows that the reaction of mom or dad to his misdeeds is excessively violent, emotional, angry, mom will scream, and dad will grab the belt, it will be difficult for him to tell you the truth.

Focus not on blaming the child for what happened, but on finding a way out of the current situation together with him. Ask the child: " What can we do now to deal with the consequences of ?” Instead of getting angry and blaming, think together about what can be done now.

Remain calm and respond appropriately when a child lies.

Example: A mother got angry with her 5-year-old daughter for dropping and breaking a beautiful dish. Instead of yelling at her and punishing her, her mother managed her emotions and said: “ Let's think about what can be done now? »

The girl herself was very worried and apologized, and in response to her mother's question, she suggested trying to glue the broken dish together. They glued the dish together and mom explained that now it can’t be used and it will stand just for beauty. Mom also said that she was very upset by what had happened, but she understood that the girl did not do it on purpose and this could happen to anyone. She showed her daughter how to hold a large dish in her hands next time so that it does not fall out.

2.

If you see a pile of things on the floor in your daughter's room, don't ask, “ Have you removed your things from the floor? » When we ask questions to which we already know the answer, we ourselves push our child to lie in the hope that you will leave him behind.

Instead, underline in your question how to solve this situation, for example: “ I see there are still a lot of your things on the floor, do you need help to clean them up or can you do it yourself? " or " Do you want to put your clothes away now or when you finish dinner? nine0039 »