How to celebrate the birthday of a deceased child

11 Ways to Celebrate Your Baby's Birthday (when your baby has died) — The Morning

Celebrating a birthday of a baby who has died can be as painful and as awkward as it sounds. The days leading up to my son's first birthday were filled with dread and overwhelming sadness. I missed him desperately and wanted nothing more than to be planning a 1st birthday party, full of cupcakes and balloons and little baby games.

But instead I was trying to figure out what in the world does a mama do on the birthday of her child when her child is no longer living.

Along with the overwhelming grief I was plagued with insecurities, constantly overvaluing what people would think of me should I celebrate my son's birthday. So my first word of wisdom to any grieving mother who is anticipating a child's birthday: do your best to lay aside the idea that what people think of you, your grief, or how you should or shouldn't celebrate has any actual weight or influence. I say "do your best" because I understand how difficult it is to lay aside what other's think of you, especially if your spouse, partner, family members or friends aren't supportive or simply don't understand. Give them the benefit of the doubt and remember they love you, they're most likely confused about how to be feeling and how to love you well too. And without getting defensive (because you don't have to defend how you feel), help those around you to understand how you are feeling and what you need by communicating often, even if it's awkward.

Secondly make a plan. In my experience, now 9 years of birthdays, it doesn't actually matter what you do to celebrate, so long as there is some kind of plan in place. A plan protects as it makes communicating about expectations necessary, which is especially important on a day that is filled with so much emotion.

Below are my 11 favorite ways to celebrate but for our family the sweetest tradition over the past few years has been asking: "What would a little boy turning ___ years old want to do on his birthday?" The answers to that question are helpful in our honoring his life not just my idea of a perfect day.

So if you are anticipating your child's birthday simply ask: "What would a little girl/boy turning ______ years old want to do on her/his birthday?" and let that dictate how you celebrate. And if you are stuck with no real reference points for coming up with an answer to that question, ask a friend who has children similar ages that your child would be turning. That's a simple way to invite another person into your grief journey, giving them an opportunity to mourn and celebrate with you. (And if they look at you like you have two heads when you ask, help them understand what it feels like to simultaneously grieve death and desire to celebrate life; the more we can educate people on baby loss and grief, the better.)

1 | Make or order a birthday cake.

Decorate with your child’s name on it. We love making our cake as a family each year!

2 | Visit the cemetery and decorate with flowers.

My son is buried in Virginia and we live in Florida, so we visit a local cemetery that has a baby section and put flowers on graves there.

Invite your friends or family to join you for this sweet moment.

Have it printed with your child’s name, date or initials.

5 | Write a letter to your child.

Do this each year and keep them in a specific journal just for letters to your child. Each family member could participate, writing their own letter.

6 | Buy a book that is age appropriate for the age your child would be turning.

Make this a tradition and add to the collection each year.

7 | Do random acts of kindness.

Make a list of random acts of kindness and then do them throughout the day in honor of your child.

8 | Plant a garden or a tree.

Each year add something new to the garden. My "garden" is in our home and I have many that remind me of my son. Some from his memorial service and others we have purchased on his birthday or heavenly birthday over the years.

9 | Create a memory box.

Or a specific place in your home for to collect or display your child’s special things.

10 | Get a tattoo of your child using their name and birthdate.

You can use your own handwriting or have a calligrapher design it for you.

11 | "Adopt" a child through sponsorship program with the same birthday as your child.

ThroughCompassion Internationalwe "adopted" Kenzarsley, a little boy from Haiti whose birthday is the same day as my son's heavenly birthday. Kenny-Z reminds our family that even admist death God is bringing life into this world.

What is your favorite way to celebrate your baby's birthday?

Celebrating a Deceased Loved One's Birthday

My family goes a bit overboard with the Happy Birthday song.  For starters, there are a lot of us so that means anywhere from 4 to about 20 voices depending on who’s present.  Also, everyone can sing to some degree so no one is shy about loudly belting out the lyrics or taking license with the harmonies.

At the end of the song, without fail, everyone sings… “and many more”…which is a family tradition that has been around for as long as I can remember (I think some other people might sing it this way but I’ve never met them)

Growing up, I thought this was how everyone sang the song until I started going to friend’s birthday parties. Everyone would hit their big finish with “happy birthday to yoooou” and out of habit I’d find myself trailing off into a solo “…and many moooore…..errrr nevermind”

As an adult, I’ve come to find the verse reassuring and I always sing “and many more” under my breath in hopes that my quiet wish might help to safeguard the birthday boy or girl’s longevity.  I know this is superstitious because life has taught me that “many more” is something we can never be sure of.  Each and every birthday we have with our loved ones is a gift; I realized this when my mother received the diagnosis that changed her “many mores” to “one more. ”

“No more” is the saddest thought of all, and I suspect if you’re reading this you understand what I mean. Logically death means our loved ones never grow a year older, although logic does little to clear up our confusion when their birthday continues to happen year after year. Someone we love is gone, but we find that even in death their birthday still belongs to them; there’s no such thing as “no more,” as long as we’re here on earth to remember them.

There is a misconception among some that holding on to our loved ones keeps us stuck, but the truth is, continuing our relationships with people after they’ve died and learning to love them despite their physical absence is good.  

Your loved one’s birthday, for however many years they spent on earth, was set aside as a day for you to honor and celebrate them. And even though they aren’t here now, the day can still belong to them. True you may feel pain because on this day their absence feels magnified, but don’t let this be the reason why their birthdays are met with dread instead of celebration.

We encourage you to find your own ways, big or small, to honor and remember your loved one on their birthday. To get you started, we’ve changed up some of the standard birthday elements to give you some ideas for celebrating the day.

Your loved one’s impending birthday may be looming heavy for their friends and family, but without a celebration to gather for it seems like the only alternative is to suffer alone.  The idea of celebrating a deceased loved ones birthday might seem odd to some, which is one reason why those who want to recognize the day might be hesitant to speak up. But if you feel like spending the day with people, do something about it!

Big, small, intimate, elaborate, soirée or small gathering – it doesn’t matter because there are no rules. Think about you, your loved one, and others who may want to recognize the day and go from there. Give people an idea of the plan, let them know you’d love for them to be there, and then let them decide what they’d like to do.

If you want to find a way to honor your loved one but don’t feel up to doing anything big, you could choose an activity to do alone or with one or a few other people. Maybe you’d like to sit alone at their grave or a favorite place for a little while or maybe you’d like to invite a few people along to share memories.

One option is to gather at your loved one’s favorite restaurant. If you think there might be emotional moments or if you want privacy so guests can talk and share memories, you might want to go the extra mile and chip in to rent a special room. At the very least, ask for as quiet a table as possible.

Getting together at someone’s home allows for a more intimate party or gathering. Perhaps someone(s) might volunteer to make a menu reflective of your loved one’s tastes. If you don’t want the menu to fall on one person’s shoulders, you could also plan a potluck where everyone brings one of your loved one’s favorite dishes. If you’re going potluck and the weather permits, you could meet at one of your loved one’s favorite public places like a park or a beach.

Some people choose to simply gather for cake on their deceased loved one’s birthday for their favorite kind of cake. Bonus – the baking of the cake can even be cathartic, check out Litsa’s post on baking her father’s favorite coconut cake if you’re not sure what I mean.

Obviously, you can’t give your loved one a present, but you can still buy them. If you want some good to come out of your loved one’s birthday choose a charity they would have supported that takes donations other than money. Ask the organization what types of items they need and then tell the party guests who’d like to bring birthday gifts to bring one of the items for donation.

Instead of presents, you could also tell guests to bring an object that reminds them of your loved one. During the gathering, you can take a few moments for each person to tell the story of their item (yes, like show and tell!)

People often choose to release balloons on a loved one’s birthday, sometimes with messages written inside. Balloons aren’t exactly the best for the environment so here’s a ton of balloon release alternatives from a website that really would prefer you not release balloons.

Perhaps words like celebration, fun, and happiness are absent from your vocabulary these days but don’t rule out the possibility of having moments of laughter in celebrating and remembering your loved one. Set aside time for reflection and sad emotions, but also leave a little space for joy.

Have you ever celebrated a deceased loved one’s birthday?  Tell us how in the comments below.  

Here’s another good idea, subscribe to receive posts straight to your email inbox. 

The birthday of the deceased - is it worth celebrating, the signs and customs of the memorial dinner

Birthday is a significant and important holiday for any person. This day is colored by the expectation of a miracle, anticipation, joy from communicating with relatives and friends. However, when it comes to the date of birth of someone close, who has passed away, the tone of the event changes significantly.

The Orthodox Church does not attach much importance to the birthday of the deceased, believing that after the ascension of the soul to heaven, such dates lose their meaning. At the same time, the desire to once again remember the deceased and pay attention to thoughts about him right now becomes quite logical and justified, and therefore is not condemned in any way. It remains only to choose how to do it.

The birthday of the deceased: what can be done on this date

Everyone has their own way of mentally returning once again to the time when a loved one was nearby - and on the day of his birth. Any of the scenarios below are allowed.

Meeting with relatives or friends

Gathering all those who mourn the deceased on his birthday is a reasonable and correct step. Sometimes it is enough to be near and share memories, sharing the bitterness of loss with others in this way. Many argue that after such meetings it is much easier to endure grief.

Funeral lunch or dinner

This is especially appropriate on the first birthday after the death of a loved one. In this case, there are no strict rules on the list of dishes and table decoration, however, most often it is recommended to focus on the traditional funeral menu and refrain from alcohol. In addition, in conversations at the table, negative discussions and condemnation of the deceased are unacceptable - only good memories.

Going to church

It is not necessary to go to church on the birthday of the deceased, but if there is such a desire, it is worth following it. In the temple, you can put a candle for the repose, order a prayer service or church service, or pray in front of the icons. In addition, you can read a prayer for mercy for the deceased at home - the main thing is to do it in a calm atmosphere and without the slightest hurry.

Visiting the cemetery

In some cases, the Orthodox Church considers it inappropriate to visit the cemetery on the date of birth of the deceased. This is due to the fact that in religion death is considered only the loss of the earthly appearance and the liberation of the soul, and therefore it is more logical to come to the grave on the day of death.

However, this is not a postulate, but just a point of view, therefore, first of all, it is important to listen to yourself. If the desire to visit the grave of a loved one on his birthday seems natural, it is quite possible to go to the cemetery. Often, taking care of the burial place - cleaning, updating and painting the fence, planting and laying flowers - allows you to get a little distracted and calm down. Many associate the care of the grave on this day with the most vivid manifestation of feelings and memory of the deceased.

What psychologists advise

Most often, the first birthday after the death of a loved one is the most difficult. However, for some, this day is accompanied by longing and depression in the future. Psychologists recommend the following ways to overcome such conditions:

• talk to friends and family - or with a psychologist or a priest;
• vent your grief in a diary or letter to the deceased;
• to be alone with yourself and completely immerse yourself in the memories of the deceased;
• give free rein to all emotions associated with the bitterness of loss in order to let them go faster.

When the pain from the death of a loved one is so strong that there is no strength to deal with organizational issues, employees of the State Budgetary Institution Horonim.ru will come to the rescue. The invited ritual agent will deal with all urgent issues - from registering a place in the cemetery to ordering and preparing a commemoration.

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Birthday of the deceased person | Ritual Bureau Edem

As the clergy say, each person comes into this world with a specific purpose, and sometimes it is accomplished much faster than we would like. After completing its mission, the soul leaves the body and goes to heaven. Relatives are left to grieve about the irretrievable loss, remember the deceased with a kind word, and do everything possible so that his soul rests. After all the rituals are observed, the relatives have many questions, and one of them is: do they remember the deceased on his birthday, and how to do it correctly. All questions on funeral rites will be answered by the specialists of the ritual agency "Edem" in the Dnieper.

Historical facts

In the old days, people were more attentive to the dead and dead, honored all Orthodox laws, and observed all ritual rites. Our ancestors did not recognize the commemoration on the birthday of the deceased, did not visit the cemetery, and did not arrange memorial meals. It was believed that it was the date of death that was a kind of birth of the soul, and the date of birth of the physical body no longer mattered.

The Orthodox Church also believes that it makes no sense to celebrate the birthday of a deceased person. But the relatives of the deceased can pray for his soul any day, visit the temple, order a prayer service. Such ritual actions are welcome on any day, regardless of the date of birth.

Since ancient times, Orthodoxy has considered three important dates for a person:

• The day of birth.
• Baptism day.
• Date of death.

During life it is necessary to mark the date of birth and the date when a person was baptized. After death, only the date of death, when the soul of the deceased ascends to heaven, is important for commemoration.

How the date of birth of the deceased is celebrated in the modern world

Nowadays, the church does not forbid commemorating the deceased on his birthday, and even welcomes the desire of relatives to visit the temple of the Lord and say a prayer. What to do on the birthday of the deceased:

• Morning prayer in front of images and a lit candle will help the soul of the deceased to purify himself and get closer to God.
• Then you can go to church, light a candle for the dead, order a magpie or a memorial service.
• A visit to the cemetery is welcome, where you can clean up, decorate the tombstone with flowers, and light the lamp.
• After the cemetery, you can arrange a small funeral dinner, inviting relatives and closest people. Lunch can be arranged at home or order at cafe , where the menu and the number of guests are discussed in advance.

In general, the ritual of remembrance is no different from that which is held on the anniversary of death, and involves the same actions on the part of relatives and close people. To commemorate the deceased on his birthday is a natural desire for those who have lost a loved one and cannot come to terms with the loss.

Why it is impossible to arrange magnificent feasts

The Orthodox Church does not approve of the desire to arrange magnificent feasts on such a day. The person is no longer in this world, and the traditional feast, as for a living person, would not be appropriate in this case. The soul leaves the body after death, and is no longer connected with anything earthly. And therefore, on his birthday, a modest dinner is allowed, which is also prepared for the commemoration. The menu must have kutya, and if the date falls on a fast, dishes should be made from plant products.

It is also not recommended to drink alcohol on this day and proclaim toasts. The memorial dinner should be held quietly, calmly, with peaceful conversations about the deceased. After dinner, you can distribute sweets and cookies to everyone who came to remember the soul. Women are also supposed to distribute headscarves, men handkerchiefs or towels.

What prayers can be read on the birthday of the deceased

If it is not possible to visit the temple and order a service for the deceased, you can sincerely pray at home. On the birthday of a deceased person, it is customary to read such prayers:

Until forty days after death “Remember, O Lord our God, in faith and hope of the life of the eternal newly-departed Thy servant (or Thy servant), name, and as good and philanthropist, forgive sins and consume iniquity, weaken, leave and forgive all his voluntary and involuntary sins, exposing him to Your holy second coming to the communion of Your eternal blessings, even for the sake of the One faith in You, the true God and the Lover of mankind. Like you are the resurrection and the belly, and rest to your servant, name, Christ our God. And we send glory to You, with Your Father without beginning and with the Most Holy Spirit, now and forever and forever and ever, amen.0068