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How many times does a foster child move


Child Welfare and Foster Care Statistics

Our nation’s child wel­fare sys­tem strives to pro­tect chil­dren from mal­treat­ment, sup­port fam­i­lies in cri­sis, keep chil­dren safe­ly with their par­ents when pos­si­ble, pro­vide tem­po­rary out-of-home care for chil­dren when need­ed and ulti­mate­ly ensure that chil­dren have safe, per­ma­nent homes with their fam­i­lies, rel­a­tives, adop­tive par­ents or legal guardians. This post pro­vides the lat­est sta­tis­tics on child wel­fare in the Unit­ed States, focus­ing on fos­ter care sta­tis­tics, from the Foundation’s KIDS COUNT® Data Cen­ter, a robust source of the best avail­able data on child well-being in the nation. KIDS COUNT includes state-by-state data on child abuse and neglect and chil­dren liv­ing in out-of-home care from the Nation­al Child Abuse and Neglect Data Sys­tem, the fed­er­al Adop­tion and Fos­ter Care Analy­sis and Report­ing Sys­tem, and the Nation­al Youth in Tran­si­tion Data­base. These data help our Foun­da­tion and lead­ers across the coun­try to mon­i­tor trends, assess the child wel­fare sys­tem, and advance poli­cies and prac­tices to improve out­comes for chil­dren, youth and fam­i­lies — par­tic­u­lar­ly for chil­dren of col­or who are over­rep­re­sent­ed in the sys­tem and more like­ly to expe­ri­ence neg­a­tive outcomes.

Stay up to date with the lat­est infor­ma­tion on child wel­fare by sign­ing up for our newslet­ter and explor­ing our child wel­fare and fos­ter care resources.

Child Wel­fare by the Numbers

KIDS COUNT offers more than 60 mea­sures of child wel­fare, encom­pass­ing how many chil­dren and youth are in the sys­tem, the rates at which they enter it, their demo­graph­ic char­ac­ter­is­tics (includ­ing race and eth­nic­i­ty when avail­able) and their expe­ri­ences in fos­ter care, exit­ing care, being adopt­ed when applic­a­ble, aging out of the sys­tem and more. In addi­tion to child wel­fare sta­tis­tics at the nation­al and state lev­els, KIDS COUNT also pro­vides data by ter­ri­to­ry, when pos­si­ble. Pol­i­cy­mak­ers, child wel­fare agen­cies and oth­ers have used these data for decades to under­stand how well the sys­tem is meet­ing the needs of vul­ner­a­ble chil­dren, youth and fam­i­lies, and how it can be strength­ened so that all abused and neglect­ed chil­dren can heal and grow up with safe, sta­ble families.

Sta­tis­tics on Emo­tion­al, Behav­ioral and Health Prob­lems Linked to Child Trauma

Chil­dren and youth who expe­ri­ence trau­ma, includ­ing abuse or neglect, are at increased risk for long-term emo­tion­al, behav­ioral and phys­i­cal health prob­lems, among oth­er chal­lenges. KIDS COUNT offers scores of addi­tion­al mea­sures that describe these types of life chal­lenges for chil­dren and youth, rang­ing from high-risk behav­ior, such as juve­nile jus­tice sys­tem involve­ment and sub­stance abuse, to dif­fi­cul­ties with men­tal health, phys­i­cal health and aca­d­e­m­ic per­for­mance. (These data are pro­vid­ed by state and race and eth­nic­i­ty, as well as oth­er break­downs, when pos­si­ble.) Impor­tant­ly, the con­se­quences of child mal­treat­ment can be mit­i­gat­ed with equi­table access to trau­ma-informed ser­vices and nur­tur­ing, last­ing fam­i­ly rela­tion­ships and support.

Child Mal­treat­ment Trends

The like­li­hood that a child will be abused or neglect­ed in the Unit­ed States has improved slight­ly in recent years: 8 in every 1,000 kids under 18 were con­firmed vic­tims of mal­treat­ment in 2020, after hold­ing steady at 9 per 1,000 from 2015 to 2019. Of the 615,000 vic­tims in 2020, three in four expe­ri­enced neglect, con­sis­tent­ly the most com­mon type of mal­treat­ment. Near­ly one in five (16%) of these chil­dren were phys­i­cal­ly abused, 9% were sex­u­al­ly abused, 6% were emo­tion­al­ly abused and 2% expe­ri­enced med­ical neglect. Young kids are the most at risk, as 72% of ver­i­fied vic­tims were 10 and under in 2020, sim­i­lar to pre­vi­ous years.

See the Foundation’s recent Child Mal­treat­ment Trends blog for more details and links to the data, includ­ing more about the con­se­quences of child mis­treat­ment and how it can be prevented.

Fos­ter Care Statistics

Fos­ter care is meant to pro­vide safe, tem­po­rary liv­ing arrange­ments and sup­port ser­vices for chil­dren who have been removed from their fam­i­lies due to mal­treat­ment, lack of safe­ty or inad­e­quate care. The fol­low­ing selec­tion of fos­ter care sta­tis­tics from KIDS COUNT describes chil­dren who enter care, their demo­graph­ic char­ac­ter­is­tics, their liv­ing arrange­ments dur­ing fos­ter care, where they go when they exit care and the expe­ri­ences of youth who nev­er leave and age out of the sys­tem. These are crit­i­cal indi­ca­tors that can flag areas for sys­tem improve­ment, such as the dis­pro­por­tion­ate rep­re­sen­ta­tion of chil­dren of col­or and the need to bet­ter sup­port old­er youth in fos­ter care.

Learn more about the fos­ter care sys­tem in a recent Foun­da­tion blog post.

Chil­dren Enter­ing Fos­ter Care

In 2020, 213,964 chil­dren under 18 entered fos­ter care in the Unit­ed States, a rate of 3 per 1,000. The rate of entry has hov­ered at 3 or 4 per 1,000 for two decades. Kids ages 1 to 5 make up the largest share (30% in 2020) of chil­dren enter­ing care. Nation­al data also show that Black and Amer­i­can Indi­an chil­dren con­tin­ue to be over­rep­re­sent­ed among those enter­ing fos­ter care. In 2020, Black chil­dren rep­re­sent­ed 20% of those enter­ing care but only 14% of the total child pop­u­la­tion, while Amer­i­can Indi­an kids made up 2% of those enter­ing care and 1% of the child pop­u­la­tion. The rea­sons for this are com­plex, and efforts to improve racial equi­ty in child wel­fare have been under way for many years.

Explore more sta­tis­tics on chil­dren enter­ing fos­ter care, includ­ing data by state:

  • Chil­dren 0 to 17 enter­ing fos­ter care (num­ber and rate)
  • Chil­dren and youth of all ages enter­ing fos­ter care (num­ber only)
  • Chil­dren enter­ing fos­ter care by age group
  • Chil­dren enter­ing fos­ter care by gender
  • Chil­dren enter­ing fos­ter care by race and ethnicity

Chil­dren in Fos­ter Care

Once chil­dren enter fos­ter care, the goal is to either safe­ly reuni­fy them with their par­ents if the fam­i­ly con­cerns are resolved or secure anoth­er per­ma­nent fam­i­ly. A total of 407,493 chil­dren and youth were liv­ing in fos­ter care in 2020, with one-third ages 1 to 5 and 7% babies, fig­ures that have been steady for years. Con­sis­tent with the inequities described above, nation­al data on chil­dren in fos­ter care illus­trate the dis­pro­por­tion­ate rep­re­sen­ta­tion of Black and Amer­i­can Indi­an chil­dren, in particular.

In a pat­tern hold­ing since 2000, near­ly half of fos­ter chil­dren are placed with non­rel­a­tive fos­ter fam­i­lies (45% in 2020 and — in encour­ag­ing news — place­ments with rel­a­tives increased from 25% to 34% dur­ing 2000–2020, and place­ments in group homes or oth­er facil­i­ties dropped from 18% to 10%. Few­er chil­dren are placed in pre-adop­tive homes (4% in 2020) or have tri­al home vis­its (4%), and some old­er youth live inde­pen­dent­ly with super­vi­sion (2%).

More than a third of fos­ter chil­dren and youth expe­ri­ence more than two place­ments each year, mean­ing their liv­ing arrange­ments change at least twice a year. At the state lev­el in 2020, this fig­ure ranged from 24% to 49%. Child wel­fare agen­cies are work­ing to min­i­mize these moves, as they are dis­rup­tive, stress­ful and often trau­ma­tiz­ing. Sta­ble rela­tion­ships and home envi­ron­ments are crit­i­cal for healthy child and youth development.

Access all sta­tis­tics on chil­dren in fos­ter care, includ­ing data by state:

  • Chil­dren birth to 17 in fos­ter care (num­ber and rate)
  • Chil­dren and youth of all ages in fos­ter care (num­ber only)
  • Chil­dren in fos­ter care by age group
  • Chil­dren in fos­ter care by race and ethnicity
  • Chil­dren in fos­ter care by gender
  • Chil­dren in fos­ter care by place­ment type
  • Chil­dren in fos­ter care with more than two placements

Sta­tis­tics on chil­dren in fos­ter care await­ing adoption:

  • Chil­dren wait­ing for adoption
    • by amount of time waiting
    • by age group
    • by race and ethnicity

Relat­ed sta­tis­tics on chil­dren in out-of-home care from KIDS COUNT:

  • Chil­dren in kin­ship care (What is kin­ship care?)
  • Chil­dren in the care of grandparents
  • Chil­dren liv­ing with nei­ther parent

Chil­dren Exit­ing Fos­ter Care

The lat­est data show that approx­i­mate­ly 224,396 chil­dren and youth exit fos­ter care each year and just under half (48% in 2020) are reuni­fied with their par­ent or pri­ma­ry care­tak­er, down from 57% in 2000. Adop­tions increased steadi­ly between 2014 and 2019, and decreased slight­ly in 2020, with about one in four chil­dren exit­ing fos­ter care to adop­tive homes in the last few years. Oth­er com­mon out­comes for chil­dren and youth who can­not return to their par­ents include liv­ing with legal guardians (10% in 2020) or oth­er rel­a­tives (6%) and eman­ci­pa­tion (9%), also known as aging out of fos­ter care.

Of the more than 58,000 chil­dren in the child wel­fare sys­tem who were adopt­ed in 2020, over half were young kids age 1 to 5, con­sis­tent with pre­vi­ous years. Most of these adop­tions are by the fos­ter par­ents (either rel­a­tives or non­rel­a­tives) who cared for the chil­dren while in fos­ter care.

Explore all sta­tis­tics about young peo­ple exit­ing fos­ter care and those who have been adopted:

  • Chil­dren exit­ing fos­ter care
    • by age group
    • by race and ethnicity
    • by gen­der
    • by exit reason
  • Chil­dren in the child wel­fare sys­tem who have been adopted
    • by age group
    • by pre-adop­tive rela­tion­ship with adop­tive parents
    • by race and ethnicity
Key Find­ings From the Child Wel­fare Infor­ma­tion Gate­way on How Long Kids Stay in Fos­ter Care

The fed­er­al government’s Child Wel­fare Infor­ma­tion Gate­way sum­ma­rizes addi­tion­al fos­ter care sta­tis­tics, such as the length of time chil­dren spend in care. Their Fos­ter Care Sta­tis­tics 2020 fact­sheet showed that, unfor­tu­nate­ly, the medi­an amount of time in fos­ter care has increased over the last decade—from 13.7 months in 2009 to 15.9months in 2020, based on chil­dren who exit­ed care in each year. How­ev­er, the per­cent­age of kids who spent 5+ years in care declined between 2009 and 2020. Among chil­dren who exit­ed fos­ter care in 2020, four in 10 were there less than a year, while near­ly half(47%) spent 1 to 3 years in care and 15% stayed in fos­ter care 3+ years.

Youth Aging Out of Fos­ter Care

More than 20,000 youth left fos­ter care in 2020 with­out reunit­ing with their par­ents or hav­ing anoth­er per­ma­nent fam­i­ly home. The tran­si­tion to adult­hood is a sig­nif­i­cant and chal­leng­ing devel­op­men­tal phase of life for all young peo­ple, but youth aging out of fos­ter care on their own must face this with­out the sup­port of a sta­ble, lov­ing fam­i­ly. Many also lose access to ser­vices and sup­ports offered through the fos­ter care sys­tem. Not sur­pris­ing­ly, these youth and young adults are more like­ly to expe­ri­ence behav­ioral, men­tal and phys­i­cal health issues, hous­ing prob­lems and home­less­ness, employ­ment and aca­d­e­m­ic dif­fi­cul­ties, ear­ly par­ent­hood, incar­cer­a­tion and oth­er poten­tial­ly life­long adver­si­ties. In line with the racial inequities not­ed ear­li­er, youth of col­or are more like­ly to expe­ri­ence these chal­lenges. The tra­jec­to­ries of these young peo­ple are not guar­an­teed, how­ev­er. They can be pos­i­tive­ly influ­enced by poli­cies and prac­tices that ensure these vul­ner­a­ble youths receive cul­tur­al­ly-respon­sive, trau­ma-informed tran­si­tion ser­vices and sup­port to nav­i­gate the steps to adult­hood, achieve sta­bil­i­ty and reach their full potential.

Rec­og­niz­ing the impor­tance of focus­ing on this pop­u­la­tion, the Foun­da­tion pro­vides in-depth resources on youth aging out of fos­ter care and 30 indi­ca­tors describ­ing the chal­lenges they face as well as the sup­port they receive, includ­ing aca­d­e­m­ic, employ­ment, health, finan­cial, men­tor­ing and oth­er tran­si­tion services.

Key find­ings among youth tran­si­tion­ing out of fos­ter care:

  • One in five report expe­ri­enc­ing home­less­ness between ages 17 and 19, and over one in four (29%) report being home­less from 19 to 21. Among Amer­i­can Indi­an young adults, the fig­ure jumps to almost half (43%) for ages 19 to 21.
  • One in five report being incar­cer­at­ed between ages 17–19 and 19–21. See data by state and race and eth­nic­i­ty.
  • One in 10 report hav­ing a child (i.e., giv­ing birth or father­ing a child) between ages 17–19, with near­ly one in four (23%) say­ing they became par­ents between 19–21.
  • By age 21, over two-thirds (70%) have a high school diplo­ma or equiv­a­lent. The same is true for 64% of Amer­i­can Indi­an and 78% of Asian Amer­i­can young adults.
  • Just 57% report being employed (full- or part-time) at age 21, with this fig­ure rang­ing from 51% for Amer­i­can Indi­an young adults to 63% for Asian Americans.
  • The per­cent­ages of youth ages 14 and old­er who received tran­si­tion ser­vices through the fed­er­al John H. Chafee Fos­ter Care Inde­pen­dence Pro­gram decreased for all types of ser­vices between 2015 and 2018. Four in 10 youth received aca­d­e­m­ic sup­port in 2018, the high­est share for any ser­vice, while much small­er shares received impor­tant ser­vices like men­tor­ing (16%) or edu­ca­tion finan­cial assis­tance (15%). KIDS COUNT offers 11 dif­fer­ent mea­sures for each ser­vice received by race and eth­nic­i­ty (scroll down).

See all sta­tis­tics on youth aging out of fos­ter care, includ­ing data by state and territory.

Oth­er Sta­tis­tics Linked to Child­hood Adver­si­ty and Trauma

When chil­dren, youth and young adults expe­ri­ence trau­ma, such as abuse, neglect or even hard­ships dur­ing fos­ter care, it can dis­rupt healthy devel­op­ment and result in last­ing neg­a­tive out­comes. Such effects may be relat­ed to behav­ioral and men­tal health issues, crim­i­nal jus­tice sys­tem involve­ment, edu­ca­tion and employ­ment prob­lems, chron­ic health con­di­tions and more. The risks of adverse out­comes can be reduced by pro­vid­ing buffer­ing fam­i­ly and com­mu­ni­ty sup­ports to young people.

KIDS COUNT offers a vast array of state-by-state sta­tis­tics on these issues, with much of it avail­able by race and oth­er demo­graph­ic fac­tors, includ­ing data on:

  • Safe­ty and risky behav­iors, such as youth resid­ing in juve­nile deten­tion facil­i­ties, and teens abus­ing alco­hol or using cig­a­rettes, mar­i­jua­na and oth­er drugs
  • Men­tal and phys­i­cal health prob­lems, such as young adults feel­ing depressed or hope­less, and health con­di­tions (e.g., obe­si­ty, asth­ma and spe­cial health care needs)
  • Aca­d­e­m­ic achieve­ment and relat­ed issues, for exam­ple, test scores, house­hold inter­net ser­vices, school dis­ci­pline, stu­dents miss­ing school, stu­dents not com­plet­ing high school, teens nei­ther work­ing nor in school, and much more
  • Youth and young adult well-being, over­all, span­ning 60+ mea­sures of employ­ment, pover­ty, edu­ca­tion, health, and fam­i­ly and com­mu­ni­ty issues

Learn More About Child Wel­fare in the Unit­ed States

Recent Reports and Resources on Child Wel­fare and Fos­ter Care

The Annie E. Casey Foun­da­tion has been pub­lish­ing resources and devel­op­ing new solu­tions to sup­port vul­ner­a­ble chil­dren and fam­i­lies for more than two decades. Resources like the fol­low­ing reports help child wel­fare agen­cies, pol­i­cy­mak­ers and advo­cates improve the child wel­fare system:

  • Inte­grat­ing Pos­i­tive Youth Devel­op­ment and Racial Equi­ty, Inclu­sion and Belong­ing Approach­es Across the Child Wel­fare and Jus­tice Sys­tems: Devel­oped in col­lab­o­ra­tion with Child Trends and Child Focus, this report intro­duces the STRENGTH frame¬work, which builds on young adults’ assets, address­es their devel­op­men­tal needs and advances com­mu­ni­ty-based solu­tions that reduce or avoid fam­i­ly separation.
  • Too Many Teens: Pre­vent­ing Unnec­es­sary Out-of-Home Place­ment: Learn from mod­el com­mu­ni­ties that have sig­nif­i­cant­ly reduced teens enter­ing the child wel­fare and juve­nile jus­tice sys­tems by offer­ing high-qual­i­ty screen­ing and assess­ment and time­ly access to appro­pri­ate ser­vices. Strong lead­er­ship, flex­i­ble, sus­tain­able fund­ing and col­lab­o­ra­tion among child-serv­ing agen­cies are also key factors.
  • Eval­u­a­tion of the Annie E. Casey Foundation’s On the Front­line Ini­tia­tive: Learn about the expe­ri­ences of child wel­fare agen­cies in two coun­ties — Cuya­hoga Coun­ty in Ohio and Jef­fer­son Coun­ty in Col­orado — that began imple­ment­ing this ini­tia­tive to help case­work­ers and their super­vi­sors make bet­ter inves­tiga­tive deci­sions about pro­tect­ing chil­dren and strength­en­ing families.
  • Putting Fam­i­ly First: Learn the whys and hows of pre­ven­tive ser­vices under the Fam­i­ly First Pre­ven­tion Ser­vices Act and the process of devel­op­ing a strong prac­tice mod­el that aligns with the law’s require­ments and pro­vides tar­get­ed sup­port for chil­dren at risk of child wel­fare place­ment and their families.

Read more of the Foundation’s wide-rang­ing resources on child wel­fare and fos­ter care topics:

  • Adop­tion
  • Child pro­tec­tion
  • Fam­i­ly First Pre­ven­tion Ser­vices Act
  • Kin­ship care
  • Guardian­ship
  • Per­ma­nence
  • Racial equi­ty and inclusion
  • Youth in tran­si­tion (aging out)

Stay Con­nect­ed and Do a Deep Dive With Our Resources

Sign up for our newslet­ter to get the lat­est reports, data and news on child wel­fare in the Unit­ed States, access all KIDS COUNT data on child wel­fare and explore the breadth of our child wel­fare and fos­ter care pub­li­ca­tions, webi­na­rs, pod­casts, blog posts and oth­er resources.

Cor­rec­tion: On Sept. 26, 2022, we updat­ed a ref­er­ence to say a third of chil­dren in fos­ter care had more than two place­ments each year, rather than two or more.

How Many Times on Average Does a Child in Foster Care Move?

Kenneth A Camp

2 comments

You may be a person that has moved a lot. But I am guessing whether that was as a child or as an adult, you moved with your family. Or if you are a single adult, you still have a family you call your own even if you don’t live with them. But for children in foster care, it means not only moving from one place to another, but also from one family to another.

And, I bet you had a say in the move. At least you probably knew about it in advance. A foster child? Not so much. Not only do they rarely have a say in a move to another family, but it might be a very sudden decision.

So how many times on average does a foster child move? Ready for it?

Seven times.

Why does this happen?

“Many foster families are not supported enough or well-equipped to care for these children, so foster children are moved often.”

Notice that the emphasis is on the family and inability to care for the children, not the behavior of the child.

Please watch this short video to understand what this means to a child in foster care.

I know. It’s easy for the numbers to overwhelm us. 1400 in the greater Austin area. 17,000 in Texas. 400,000 nationwide.

But move seven times. Seven new homes. Seven new schools. Seven new communities. Seven new sets of friends.

Now that is overwhelming.

The number 1 is not so overwhelming. 1 person. 1 family. 1 action.

Maybe I misread God’s word, but to me it seems to be a non-negotiable. He expects us to care for children who don’t have a family. We either provide a home for them or we help those families who do provide a home.

You won’t be alone.

As the video states, many churches in the Austin area are working together to provide support and equipping for a family who is willing to bring a child into their home.

So take comfort if you are a family considering foster care or adoption. You are and will not be alone.

And, if you are a person or family who is willing to support those families who do foster or adopt, you too can get support and information on how to best help.

Visit www.fosteringhopeaustin.org to get more information.

If you are not in the Austin area, but want information for your location, contact me. I probably can help you find the information you want. Even if you are in the Austin area and want more information, contact me.

So what role will you play in a child’s life so that she won’t have to move again?

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I am a longtime Austinite. Married my beautiful wife over 30 years ago. Adopted our son September 2012. Currently a writer and loving it. Previous jobs and careers include project management, missionary, and pastor. I enjoy sports (both watching and playing), traveling, reading, digging in dirt and hanging with my friends and family.

Adaptation of a child in a new family

Orphans living in an orphanage or orphanage have to move to others, in particular, to a new family because of the conditions to which they are accustomed. Statistics show that 60-70% of children deprived of parental care are placed in families of both Russian and foreign citizens. Employees of children's institutions (orphanage, orphanage, hospital, orphanage) constantly observe how the child experiences changes in the already established lifestyle.

In order to understand the process of adaptation, you need to imagine that you were suddenly moved to a new, completely unfamiliar place, and this happened against your desire and without prior preparation. What will you experience with this? Probably, your state will be close to shock, and you will be confused.

The duration of this moment depends on the characteristics of your psychotype or characteristics of the nervous system. Someone, looking around, will try to hide in a secluded place and from there examine an unfamiliar place, while someone, on the contrary, will begin to be active, fuss. Behavior options can be different: from the desire to run away and return to their original place to dumbfounded. Once the shock wears off, you will probably start looking around you, noticing what and who is around you, and trying to get comfortable in the new place. If there are people nearby, ask them questions. You will be interested in the surrounding objects and things that you will begin to touch, explore them, act depending on the situation.

Further adaptation to life in a new place will depend on your experience, skills, knowledge, desire to live in this place, on how your needs will be met. The process of getting used to the changed conditions will be influenced by the people who will be nearby, their support and help, their cordiality or hostility towards you.
Getting into new conditions, the adopted (adopted) child and his new parents will experience approximately the same states, which are called adaptation - the process of getting used to, grinding people to each other, to changed conditions, circumstances.
Each person had to experience what adaptation is more than once in his life (when entering into marriage, when changing his place of residence, changing his place of work, etc.).

Adaptation in a new family is a two-way process, since both the child who finds himself in a new environment and adults have to get used to each other to the changed conditions.
Think about who finds it easier to adapt: ​​the one who stayed in the familiar environment, or the one who got into new conditions?

Adaptation is different for different children. Here much depends on the age of the child, and on the traits of his character. Past experience plays a big role. If the child lived in the family before adoption, the problems will be the same. A child who lived his short life in a children's home, and then in an orphanage, will otherwise react to new conditions. At the same time, the first reactions and well-being will be different for everyone. Someone will be in an elevated, excited state and strive to see everything, touch it, and if someone is nearby, ask to show it, tell about what is around. Under the influence of new impressions, overexcitation, fussiness, and a desire to frolic may occur. And someone in a new environment will be frightened, will cling to an adult, trying, as it were, to shield (protect himself) from the surging stream of impressions. Someone quickly glances at objects and things, being afraid to touch them. Having received one thing from the hands of an adult, he will press it to himself or hide it in a secluded place, afraid of losing it.

How can you make a child want to stay there when they step over the threshold of your house?

First of all, you need to make sure that nothing frightens the child, does not cause negative emotions or alerts. It can be an unusual smell in the apartment, or a pet that you are used to, but the child has never seen him. The child may be afraid of the elevator and refuse to take it, etc.
I once witnessed how a two-year-old girl began to cry as soon as the driver started the car, and did not calm down all the way home. The crying subsided when the car stopped, and intensified when it began to move. The child was in the children's home from birth, and he was taken out by car only once - to the hospital for tests.

Most likely, the reaction of the child to family members will be different. Someone will not give preference to anyone and will treat both dad and mom equally. Most often, the child first prefers someone to one. Some will prefer dad and will pay little attention to mom, while others, on the contrary, out of habit will cling to a woman, and someone will reach out to grandmother. Why this happens, it can be difficult for an adult to understand, and children cannot explain their feelings. Perhaps he liked the external signs (smile, eyes, hairstyle, clothes), or the woman reminded her of a nanny from an orphanage with her appearance. The attention of the curious will stop at the man because he lacked male care in the orphanage, and with such a preference he makes up for the resulting deficit. And for some, during their stay in the institution, women have become more familiar and closer, and men are frightening.

But despite these differences, some general patterns can be noted in the behavior of children. The behavior and well-being of the child does not remain constant, it changes over time as he gets used to the new environment. As psychologists note, when a child adapts to new conditions, there are several stages.

The first stage can be described as "Acquaintance", or "Honeymoon". Here, anticipatory attachment to each other is noted. Parents want to warm the child, give him all the accumulated need for love. The child feels pleasure from his new position, he is ready for life in the family. He is happy to do everything that adults offer. Many children immediately begin to call adults dad and mom. But this does not mean at all that they have already fallen in love - they only want to love new parents.

You will notice that the child experiences both joy and anxiety at the same time. This brings many children into a feverishly excited state. They are fussy, restless, cannot concentrate on something for a long time, grab hold of a lot. Please note: a lot of new people appear in front of the child during this period, whom he is not able to remember. Do not be surprised that sometimes he can forget where mom and dad are, do not immediately say what their names are, confuse names, family relationships, ask “what is your name”, “what is it” many times. And it's not because he has a bad memory or he's not smart enough. This happens either because his brain is not yet able to remember and assimilate the mass of new impressions that fell upon him, or because he really needs to communicate once again, to confirm that these are really his new parents. And at the same time, quite often, quite unexpectedly and, it would seem, at the wrong time, children remember their biological parents, episodes, facts from their previous lives, and begin to spontaneously share their impressions. But if you specifically ask about the former life, some children refuse to answer or speak reluctantly. This does not indicate a bad memory, but is explained by the abundance of impressions that the child is not able to assimilate.

This is how the adoptive parents describe the condition of the children and their own experiences at this stage.

“Happiness that came to the house with an adopted child. I am a novice mother and the main thing is probably yet to come, but - honestly! - the last days I walk with the thought pulsating in my head: “So this is what Happiness is!” And this is me, who had not been crushed by life before: a beloved husband, an adored job, amazing friends, numerous trips around the country, around the world . .. And I feel the peak of this Happiness when I see my husband with tears in his eyes, fiddling with our A mixer (forgive me, this is our Julia: she is with her mobility, which intensifies in moments of joy, which, in turn, simply overwhelms her almost every minute, just begs for such a comparison) or teaching our little boletus man Leshka to pull himself up in his arms ... We are so we all love each other! And it's so scary to lose all this ... No, we don't caress each other, we don't lisp and weep on each other's shoulders with emotion - we live! And sometimes we’ll quarrel at Leshka, who always gets into all the holes, and we’ll freak out: “Well, where is the remote again (phone, floppy disk, pen, spoon, etc., etc.)”, and then we’ll all fight together, leave each other with all sorts of objects (super-suitable crumb cubes for this) And - honestly! - I sometimes completely forget that children are not born by us. Sometimes (well, this happens, but very rarely) there will be a talk that “wow, poor kids, were left orphans . ..”, and I sit and rack my brains: who is this about ?! And then - God, this is about mine - and I giggle slowly: wow, poor ... "0003

Families face adoption challenges, often very different from what they expected. Some adoptive parents begin to feel helpless or upset that they have a child in their family that is not at all what they imagined.

“It would seem that the adoption has taken place, a good deed done, cheers! Yes, it was not here! In the early days, the thought often visited me as a sinful thing that the child was worse with me than it was before, otherwise why would he throw tantrums. I deprived him of his usual environment, behavior patterns, I force him to change, I raise my voice, I spank (I confess, this also happened). I get tired of him, unlike the teachers who work in two days for the third and are more patient with children. I feed him worse, otherwise why does he eat so selectively, very little and dry, hardly agrees to fit in a quiet hour, rejects any proposals. If a harder “no” sounds, then he throws tantrums, spits, shows figs, sits on the floor, sways and beats his head against the wall. It seemed to me that I could not control the situation, my hands dropped, I did not know what to do. It seemed that it would always be like this, and that instead of giving a happy childhood to an orphan, I ruined the life of all my relatives. And the orphan, it turns out, doesn’t need everything that I wanted to offer him, because he has his own life, his own priorities and needs that I can’t satisfy. Instead of affection, he has pinches and bites; instead of communication, he has lowing and sharp gestures. How can you love a child who does not know how to love? He rejects everything that I wanted to do for him, he even told me that I am not a mother. Fortunately, I was not alone. My mother periodically replaced me and with fresh forces, at ease and playfully, managed to relieve tension.

Adults really want the habituation process to go as smoothly as possible. In fact, in every new family there are periods of doubt, ups and downs, anxiety and unrest. We have to change the original plans to some extent. No one can predict in advance what surprises may arise.

The second stage can be defined as "Return to the Past", or "Regression". The first impressions subsided, the euphoria passed, a certain order was established, a painstaking and lengthy process of rubbing, getting used to each other by family members began - mutual adaptation. The child understands that these are other people, in the family there are other rules. He can not immediately adapt to a new relationship. He obeyed the rules almost unquestioningly while it was new. But now the novelty has disappeared, and he tries to behave as before, looking closely at what others like and dislike. There is a very painful breaking of the existing stereotype of behavior.

Here is what the situation looked like in the last example a month later: “The boy is adjusting well, we are trying to make it easier for him to move from old habits to new ones. He has developed neatness skills, he knows a lot and knows how to play children's games, he does not fight. But almost from the first days we had problems with food. They told me in the DR, and I also read in the medical record that the boy had a good appetite. But when he began to visit home, I didn’t feed him, but fed him with sweets (cookies, fruits, juices, sweets). I'm afraid this gave him the wrong idea that you should eat this at home. For a month now, he has not eaten normally (soup, porridge, noodles, mashed potatoes, meatballs, fish, etc., what we eat). He also refuses milk, kefir, cottage cheese, even sweets. Eats cheese, brown bread, crackers. This is "alive". He grew by 1.5 cm, lost weight. Often asks for sweets. His lunch is bread and cheese, and then candy for dessert.

For an afternoon snack - biscuits with juice. Eats a lot of fruits. However, in recent days he began to demand exclusively sweets. Since it was his birthday, we let him eat as much as he wanted, in the hope that his stomach would hurt and he would realize that this was wrong. His stomach, of course, did not get sick, but the problem remains. He sees that we all eat differently, and the two-year-old brother eats with appetite and normally, at the same table with him. He tastes our food with his tongue, but he never swallows, not a spoon."

As psychologists note, at this stage, children may experience such symptoms as: fixation on cleanliness, neatness, or, conversely, dirt and untidiness; feeling helpless or dependent; excessive concern about one's health, exaggerated complaints, hypersensitivity, rejection of new things, inexplicable fits of anger, crying, fatigue or anxiety, signs of depression, etc. and habits of the child.

During their stay in orphanages, children form their own ideal family, each of them lives in the expectation of a father and mother. This ideal is associated with the feeling of a holiday, walks, games. Adults, busy with everyday problems, do not find time for the child, they leave it alone with itself, considering it big (“Go, play, do something . ..”). Or they overprotect the child, controlling his every step.

Many adults faced with these problems lack the strength and, most importantly, the patience to wait until the child does what they need. Especially clearly during this period are manifested: lack of knowledge about the characteristics of age, the ability to establish contact, trusting relationships and choose the desired style of communication. Attempts to rely on their own life experience, on the fact that they were brought up that way, often fail.

This story of the adoptive mother vividly shows that adults who are not familiar with the peculiarities of age experience great difficulties: “I cannot stand still for more than five minutes, waiting for Grisha to pay attention to my calls and move in the right direction. I can’t watch how he puts everything in his mouth: a shoe, a cream, a computer mouse, a massage brush, keys, a potty, a brush in the toilet. If I wince and say something like “Ugh, what!”, he laughs and puts it in his mouth with even more enthusiasm. I take away, I give something else, pure - also immediately into my mouth. I put him on the potty - he turns his head, I don’t want to. I pick it up, put on my pants, 15-20 seconds pass, and begins to write, smiling sweetly: “Kha-ah.” All the time he asks: "Give!" If he has a spoon, then he needs a second, third ... If I say “I won’t give it”, he will ask until you give it. I do not have enough patience, sometimes the thought arises: “Am I worthy of raising this boy? When the daughter was born, this was not the case.

There is a difference in the views of parents on education, the influence of authoritarian pedagogy, the desire for an abstract ideal, overestimated or, conversely, underestimated requirements for the child. The process of education is seen as the correction of innate defects. The joy of communication, the naturalness of relationships disappears. There may be a desire to subordinate the child to himself, to his power. Instead of natural acceptance of the child, his dignity is downplayed. Instead of a sensitive response to the slightest achievements of the child, comparison with peers begins, which is often not in favor of the adopted child.

Sometimes during this period the child regresses in his behavior to a level inappropriate for his age. Some become too demanding and capricious, preferring to play with younger children and dominate them. Others show hostility to their new surroundings. Some children may experience unexplained bouts of anger, crying, fatigue, or anxiety. There is a return of enuresis, bad habits.

The feeling of being a victim of circumstance leads the child to think that adults are not worried about him, and he may want to leave home. Some children are afraid of being deceived and returned to the orphanage, and therefore they refuse to leave the new home. Some children are afraid to stay in the house without new parents for a long time, do not let them go away for a minute, fearing that they will leave and not return.
Having got used to the new conditions, the child begins to look for a line of behavior that would satisfy the adoptive parents. This search is not always successful. To get attention, the child may change behavior in unexpected ways. Therefore, you should not be surprised that a cheerful, active child suddenly becomes capricious, cries often and for a long time, starts fighting with his parents or with his brother, sister (if any), does in spite of what they do not like. And gloomy, withdrawn - to show interest in the environment, especially when no one is watching him, acts on the sly or becomes unusually active.

Parents who are not prepared for this may experience fear, shock. “We wish him well - and he ... We love him so much, but he does not appreciate us,” are the usual complaints for this period. Some are overcome with despair: “Is it always going to be like this ?!” “Seditious” thoughts may also appear: “Why did we need him at all, this child? How quiet and calm it was together ... Or maybe return him to where they took him from, because he was already used to that way of life, to children? Justifying themselves, parents begin to look for shortcomings in the child caused by “defective” heredity: poor memory, slow thinking, too mobile, and similar defects, not suspecting that many developmental deficiencies are caused not by hereditary factors, but by the social neglect of the child, and with good family care, care and patience disappear without a trace. Unfortunately, there are families who see a way out of this situation in divorce: “You wanted (wanted), so you bring up!” This is only a small list of problems that may arise in families who decide to take on the upbringing of someone else's child or a new wife or husband who has adopted a child.

It is very important to observe the child's behavior and understand its causes, it is useful to turn to specialists, psychologists or adoptive parents. Now the Internet provides great opportunities for exchanging information and sharing problems.

Successful overcoming of the difficulties of this adaptation period is evidenced by the change in the external appearance of the child: the expression and complexion of the face change, it becomes more meaningful, a smile and laughter appear more often. The child becomes lively, more responsive, "blooms". It has been repeatedly noted that after a successful adoption, “new” hair begins to grow in children (from dull they become shiny), many allergic phenomena disappear, enuresis stops, weight gain is obvious.

Let us turn again to the letters of the adoptive parents. “He began to eat, he had familiar places, playgrounds, a daily routine was outlined. He began to speak much better, began to leaf through books longer. He began to ask to use the toilet more often (before that he went no more than 4 times a day). And tonight I noticed the song “Mom for a Mammoth”, which we have on the cassette among other songs, and asked her to play it again. This was not the case with other songs. It seems to smell of happiness."

“Grishunya has learned to kiss. She folds her lips like a duck's beak and reaches out towards her. Sometimes he says "Yes" instead of "No" and shakes his head. And this “yes” is very conscious. Almost mastered the spoon. He pronounces "mom" and "dad" distinctly. Yesterday I cried for the first time when I was leaving.”

The third stage is "Addiction" or "Slow Recovery". You may notice that the child has suddenly grown up. If earlier he was attracted to kids, then he leaves their games, chooses companies that are close to him in age. Tension disappears, children begin to joke and discuss their problems and difficulties with adults. The child gets used to the rules of behavior in the family and in the children's institution. He begins to behave as naturally as a natural child behaves in a blood family. The child takes an active part in all family affairs. Without tension, he recalls his past life. Behavior corresponds to the characteristics of the character and is fully adequate to the situations.
He feels free, becomes more independent and independent. For many children, even the appearance changes, the look becomes more expressive. They become more emotional; disinhibited - more restrained, and clamped - more open. This is a form of gratitude to the parents who accepted him into their family.

Having adapted to new conditions, children remember the past less often. If the child is well in the family, he almost does not talk about his former way of life, having appreciated the advantages of the family, he does not want to return to it. Preschool children may ask adults where they have been for so long, why have they been looking for it for so long? If a child feels good about himself, there is attachment to parents and reciprocal feelings. He easily follows the rules and correctly responds to requests. Shows attention and interest in all family affairs, participating in everything possible. He himself notes the changes taking place with himself, recalls his bad behavior (if it was), not without irony, sympathizes and empathizes with his parents. Children and parents live the life of an ordinary normal family, unless the parents are afraid of burdened heredity and are ready to adequately perceive the age-related changes taking place in the child.

Here is how an adoptive mother, who has more than 2 months of experience, responds to one of the previous letters. “It just takes time. A little more time. Do not pester your son: firstly, such an age is not for long, and secondly, the stress will soon pass. Do not be offended by him - try to be humorous and translate into a game and a joke. The daughter was at that time terribly capricious. I always tried to help her in her whims, because I saw that she understood that she was wrong, but she could not do anything with herself. And I sympathized with her, really treated her with the understanding that she was good - very much - but only now some kind of whim appeared. And she never got hung up on the conflict, she tried to turn it off right away, that is, she agreed to wear what she wants, etc. Then everything went away and, by the way, the daughter became just golden: not that there weren’t any, - absolutely no whims . And it even got ridiculous. We come to the store for toys (we really liked to come to the Children's World). We choose toys, go to departments (we loved this business), then I notice that I choose all the toys, and the children follow me with a satisfied look. I tell them: “Children, we came for toys for you. Maybe you still choose something for yourself? Choose." And they answer me: “What are you, what are you, mommy, what you choose is good!” Here's to you! And in no way: they refuse to choose for themselves - and that's all, no matter how much they persuaded . .. That is, they were 100% sure that mom would choose what she needed. I have always been on their side on all issues, and they probably already perceived me as an equal member of their team.”

Foster (adopted) children in their behavior no longer differ from a child brought up by biological parents. If there are problems, they usually reflect the crisis stages of age development through which every child goes.

If the parents could not find a way to the heart of the child and establish a trusting relationship, then the previous personality defects (aggressiveness, isolation, disinhibition) or unhealthy habits (theft, smoking, striving for vagrancy) are aggravated, as well as what we have already noted higher: vindictiveness or demonstration of helplessness, demand for excessive attention or stubbornness, negativism. That is, each child is looking for his own way of protection from adverse external influences.

I will not forget five-year-old Slava, who ended up in a family where, besides him, there were three more sons and an adopted girl. The obedient and moderately active boy in the orphanage got along well with the children, the doctors did not note any neurotic reactions. For the first two weeks in the family, he was quieter than water, lower than grass. Having mastered, he began to bully his brother-weather, then take out insults on the girl. Adults, unable to stand it, began to punish him by using timeouts. When alone, the boy would urinate and defecate around him. At night he became restless, got up and either walked aimlessly around the rooms, or did small nasty things to other children. Parents had to seek help from a psychotherapist. The child was admitted to the hospital for a month, and the parents were advised to change their attitude towards the child, otherwise the adoption would have to be cancelled.

The next crisis may occur during adolescence. In the first half of adolescence, identity is being formed, he strives for independence and emancipation.

So, a new child has entered the family. Before his appearance, adults were confident in themselves, that they were ready to solve all problems, they were ready to love the child the way he would be. Illusions and some euphoria, confidence that there will be enough strength to overcome all obstacles and overcome difficulties are typical states that are characteristic of most new parents. Almost everyone is confident in their educational abilities and that they can successfully use these abilities for the benefit of someone else's child. This is especially true for those parents who were successful in raising their own children and were able to create an atmosphere of warmth and love in their family. But the appearance of someone else's child is a serious test for the whole family. After all, foster parents have neither vacations nor vacations, they cannot rest and relax at home. In addition, when a new family member appears, the family balance is disturbed, which is often quite fragile. This happens even when your own child is born. And what can I say when an unfamiliar child appears in the family, and a rather difficult fate and difficult character.

Therefore, after about a month, the picture of the family changes somewhat. In response to the question: “How different is the real situation from the expected one?” most foster mothers express explicit or implicit dissatisfaction with their new role. Negative emotions are mainly associated with an increase in the volume of homework, the expenditure of additional forces, energy and time, the emergence of unforeseen situations that affect the well-established life of the family.

Many mothers who have had children of their own are upset that the new child is different from their own children, that they need to be subjected to other disciplinary measures, to look for new ways of influence. They don’t like a lot in the behavior of children, they are shocked by the manners of behavior (scattering things, lack of hygiene skills, food culture). In those families where there are children of their own, it is found that they cannot treat the child in the same way as their own. They are forced to indulge him, pity him and indulge his whims. Here is the statement of one of the women: “I try not to make obvious concessions to him, but I have to feel sorry for him, because it is just as difficult for him to get used to us as it is for us to get used to him. Maybe I indulge him, because sometimes I “don’t notice” that I would never let my children down. Realizing that the adopted child is not at all the same as their own children, parents try to do the best possible for the good of him and the whole family.

But so far, a very small proportion of foster mothers express disappointment with their new role. And, although they emphasize the increase in the load, nevertheless, they are not going to “give up” yet. On the contrary, they are ready to continue their hard work and are optimistic about the future.

In general, after the first month of cohabitation, mothers express a positive attitude towards the current situation, but about half note that addiction was not easy.
After three months, many adoptive parents begin to feel more confident and comfortable, they rate their experience positively and rate the family environment as “very good”. They are more confident in their abilities, they managed to find their own ways of trusting communication with an adopted child. Significant changes in the child for the better are also noted.
But there are families in which the relationship with the child has not changed for the better. They have disappointment in the child and in their own strength; the realization of one's own failure is accompanied by a stressful state of the mother.

The arrival of a new child has a negative impact on relationships between family members. For example, the child gets on the nerves of the husband, and he refuses to have any relationship with him. The child may show selectivity, give preference to one family member, for example, the father, rejecting the mother. An adopted child can have a negative impact on the children in the family or contribute to the emergence of conflict relations between children (jealousy, rivalry). Especially many problems arise where the adopted child is older than their own. “I was hoping that he would be the big brother for the little ones, and he terrorizes them,” says one of the mothers.

In general, after 3 months of the existence of such a family, a rather contradictory picture emerges. The mothers are still enthusiastic and feel some satisfaction in their new role. Fathers are less optimistic, which is explained by the different roles of parents in family life.
The 6-month period is decisive in the life of families. Satisfaction with a new role to a large extent depends on how adults were able to understand and accept the child. After 6 months, many parents experience much less optimism and note that it has become more difficult for them than in the first days.

Their satisfaction with their actions is much less than before. This phenomenon is called the "honeymoon effect". At first it seems that the child is getting used to the new environment, agrees with everything, does what is expected of him. And suddenly he ceases to be absolutely obedient, more and more often expresses his own views and begins to make his own demands. This indicates that he begins to feel comfortable in a foster family, becomes himself. Even if adoptive parents understand how important and significant the changes taking place with the child are, this does not make it easier for them to cope with new and new difficulties. Now they are much less likely to note positive changes and much more often talk about worsening behavior, they are less confident and satisfied than before.

Optimism wanes because most parents begin to understand the seriousness and depth of children's problems, as well as the complexity and not always effective result of their attempts to change the child's behavior for the better. As they get to know the child better, they become more aware of the impact of previous life experiences on him. It is at this moment that the help of a specialist is important.

At the same time, they become more and more attached to the child and naturally want a response from him. Parents expect from the child gratitude and appreciation for their "heroic efforts", but their expectations are often in vain. And therefore, support and appreciation from the outside (social workers, teachers, educators, relatives) is very important here. They should note the changes in the child for the better, show what benefit the child has brought from being in this family. The child became more secure, he improved (listing the success of the child), he became more calm, balanced, recovered, etc.

Frustrated parents do not mean that they have done a bad job or are not doing their job well. During this period, parents most of all need: advice and recommendations on how to cope with the child's behavior; in explaining the reasons for the child's behavior; in encouragement and support (majority).

An important stage in the life of a family is the first anniversary of its creation.

Most foster families start out with full confidence that they can make a child happy. They believe that under their influence the child will change for the better, but when changes do not come as quickly as they would like, they are lost and need support and an explanation of the reasons. They must understand that such slow and not very obvious progress is a completely natural phenomenon, that there is nothing wrong with the fact that they will not always be able to resolve conflicts and cope with difficulties on their own.

If parents feel that their child has become better behaved, and that they really could help him, then this naturally causes a feeling of satisfaction. “When, after all the difficulties, you see faint glimmers of understanding or an expression of gratitude, or some tiny shifts for the better, you feel just in seventh heaven,” one of the fathers describes his feelings.
If parents consider their child still difficult and do not see changes for the better, then, based on the theory of balance, they feel dissatisfied, because they find themselves in a situation where huge efforts have been invested and no return is visible. In order for them to be able to continue their "ungrateful work", they absolutely need outside help.

During this period, a significantly larger number of mothers and fathers express satisfaction with the situation in the family and their role. It seems that they are playing their role of parents much more confidently than 6 months ago. “Things are going much better – something I could not even dream of 6 months ago. I just started to understand her. And together we can solve the problems that confront us,” such is the assessment of the situation of one of the mothers. As can be seen from this statement, they are more tolerant of the problems of the child. These problems no longer puzzle and upset them too much.
After a year and a half, it can be said that families that have “survived” for such a long time will be able to exist for as long as they like. Parents are satisfied with their role and the situation in the house, many are satisfied that the child has taken root well in the family.

But even very successful parents need encouragement and a return on their efforts. Such a "give" may be the feeling of love expressed by the child; the happiness of the child and his desire to live in this house; confidence that they have done everything necessary to help the child.
So, building any relationship takes time, and that's perfectly normal.
Joint activities, games, conversations; giving the child the opportunity to express what he does not have a soul; understanding of his problems and insight into his interests; help and support if the child is upset, care and concern if he is sick ... All this, over time, will certainly create an emotional closeness between the new parents and the adopted child.

Galina S. Krasnitskaya, Candidate of Pedagogical Sciences, consultant on family placement of children

Why a foster family can refuse a child and who can help

I went through foster parenting school and was sure that I was ready for a child. I took a teenager: I wanted to help someone who is less likely to find a family.

As a result, he began to offend my natural child, who is younger, and also steal money from classmates. I tried to talk, convince, threaten, but all to no avail. Hands dropped. I see no other way but to return the teenager back to the orphanage. Is it possible?

Tamara Skokova

guardianship and guardianship specialist

Author profile

Returning to an orphanage is an extreme measure and a painful procedure for everyone. But the law allows it: you cannot force to love and raise a child if the adoptive parents do not want or cannot do it.

I have worked in the guardianship and guardianship authorities for almost 20 years and, unfortunately, I have come across such cases more than once. I’ll tell you why this happens, how to correct the situation if possible, and if nothing helped, how to cancel the adoption or guardianship.

Why a child may be abandoned

Usually, an adoptive parent or guardian sets himself up for a bright future and full mutual understanding with a new family member until the end of his life. But in reality, this is not always the case. Here are the reasons why children are most often returned to the orphanage.

Child's health problems. Before adoption or establishment of guardianship, the candidate must familiarize himself with the child's medical record. But sometimes it does not contain all the information or adoptive parents are not serious about diagnoses.

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With newborns, it is even more difficult: the mother's history may be incomplete and it will not be possible to predict possible health problems for the baby. As a result, there is a risk that hereditary diseases will manifest themselves in a few years. For adoptive parents, this is sometimes a significant reason to abandon a child. But there are exceptions.

Here is an example from my practice. The couple adopted a three-month-old boy. At the age of seven, the child had outbreaks of unreasonable aggression towards classmates and animals. The mother had to leave her job to control her son's behavior. She even attended the lessons.

The boy was registered with a psychiatrist. The disease turned out to be hereditary. Periodically, the child underwent a course of treatment, but this did not give long-term results. In adolescence, problems with the law began.

The parents wanted to give up the boy and even applied for custody. But in the end they changed their minds: for many years the child became their own, so they accepted his illness and learned to live with it.

Illness of the guardian or adopter. Often children return to the orphanage due to a serious illness of the guardian or adoptive parent, which does not allow him to continue to raise the child.

Lack of mutual understanding in the family. Relations with the child may not work out. This happens, for example, due to the incompatibility of the characters of family members or because the child does not feel support, does not feel love.

Another example from my practice. A husband and wife lost their 14-year-old son. A year later, they decided to take an orphan from the orphanage and raise it as their own. Adopted an 11 year old boy. He agreed, he was glad.

But problems started almost immediately. The mother constantly compared the child with her dead son and set him as an example. The adopted boy tried to be no worse, pleased his mother, studied well. But there was no trust and love.

As a result, the boy himself came to the care for help. The court canceled the adoption due to psychological incompatibility.

Another example. Two sisters, five and two years old, lost their parents. Their paternal grandmother established guardianship over them.

In adolescence, the older girl began to argue with an elderly woman, she had her own opinion and friends, whom her grandmother did not approve of. Relations began to heat up.

The girl applied for guardianship. The specialists suggested that she undergo rehabilitation at a social rehabilitation center, and she agreed. They wanted to provide a psychologist to grandmother, but she refused. Later it turned out that the reason for the bad relationship lay not only in the character of the girl, but also in the fact that she was very similar to her mother, whom her grandmother blamed for the death of her son.

After school, the oldest girl went to college and left. At her request, the grandmother was released from guardianship. Relations did not improve. The situation repeated itself with the youngest granddaughter.

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Who will the child be left with if the parents die

Changes in family composition. When parents divorce, they often remarry and remarry. There is a risk that the adopted child will not find a common language with a new family member.

Case from my practice. The family, which raised two natural sons, adopted a newborn girl. Five years later, the parents divorced. The eldest son was already an adult, the youngest went with his father to another family. The girl stayed with her mother.

A year later, the woman remarried. Relations with her stepfather did not work out, and the girl also went to her father. She lived in his family for three years, and then she learned from her stepmother that she had been adopted.

The girl came to custody and said that no one needed her. I did not want to return to my mother or father. The parents did not object to the cancellation of the adoption. None of them made any effort to improve relations with the child. The girl ended up in an orphanage.

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9 uncomfortable questions about orphans

How to reduce the risk of return

If a parent refuses a child because of the health of his own or a minor, it is unlikely that someone from the outside will be able to influence his decision. But if the problem is psychological and you can’t solve it on your own, there is a way out. Here's what can be done.

Attend a foster parent school. People who are strangers to the child who want to take him into custody or adopt him undergo mandatory training. But close relatives - grandparents, adult brothers and sisters - may refuse to study. I do not recommend doing this: the classes give a lot of useful information that will definitely come in handy in raising a child.

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The school explains the role of heredity, tells how to establish contact at the stage of acquaintance and before the end of the adaptation period, helps to understand the age characteristics of children. Specialists even teach how to feed a child so that his diet is healthy and balanced.

Even if a relative refuses to study at the stage of establishing guardianship, he can take it later when problems arise in communicating with the ward.

Contact guardianship. Guardianship specialists protect the rights of the child and, above all, will take into account his interests. Therefore, if there is a chance to improve relations, they will take all possible measures.

For example, if there is no mutual understanding in the family, guardianship will offer the child and foster parents to undergo rehabilitation. It looks like this. The child moves to a rehabilitation center for a while, usually from three to six months - they are in almost every city. A psychotherapist, a psychiatrist, and sometimes a narcologist work with him there - for example, if the child has started smoking. The guardian, on the other hand, arrives on schedule and meets with a psychologist: this is important, because both sides are often to blame for the conflict. To resolve a difficult situation and help reach agreement, the centers always work in conjunction "child - parent".

Guardianship can also offer social support for the family — it includes free psychological, legal and medical assistance. Depending on the situation, patronage can last three, six or twelve months.

Case study. Father and mother were deprived of parental rights. Three grandchildren, five, seven and twelve years old, were taken under guardianship by the grandmother. Together they moved to another region - away from their parents.

Although the guardianship was related, the grandmother and children were worried about what had happened and the move. Then the employees of the local guardianship offered to conclude an escort agreement. The older woman agreed.

Specialists helped my grandmother apply for a pension and a subsidy, get documents for a purchased house. With the youngest grandson, who hardly spoke, a speech therapist and a psychologist worked at home.

During the year, specialists visited the family and solved their problems. As a result, the family was able to establish life in a new place.

sub. 3 p. 1 art. 15, art. 20 of the law on the basics of social services for citizens of the Russian Federation

Ask for help from specialists or other foster parents. This option is suitable for adoptive parents who are tired of living in constant conflicts, but do not want to apply for custody, considering this as a last resort.

You can talk about the problem to specialists of professional communities - many provide free online consultations for foster parents. For example, the Change One Life and Find a Family foundations provide such an opportunity.

For some parents, personal experience is more important than the advice of a psychologist. In this case, I advise you to talk with other adoptive parents and guardians in foster family clubs - there are such in almost every region. For example, the Foster Parents Association oversees the Foster Parents Cafe project: foster families from the Ryazan region meet once a month to share experiences and discuss the problems they have encountered while raising children.

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In these clubs you can meet moms and dads who have already gone through a difficult period in their relationship with a foster child and will be able to tell them how they did it. The main thing is not to focus on the problem and not to hide it: both foster parents and the child suffer equally from this.

How to return a child to an orphanage

If nothing helped and a painful decision was made, the procedure for returning the child will depend on the form of his acceptance into the family.

If the child is adopted, must first come to the guardianship. Specialists will tell you what documents to collect, prepare a conclusion on the validity of the cancellation of the adoption.

After that, you will have to file a claim with the court and indicate the reasons for the cancellation. The court always satisfies the application of adoptive parents: one cannot be forced to love, educate and live with a child whom they have decided to abandon. But you need to know that in the future it will not be possible to adopt this or another child again.

sign. 5 p. 1 art. 127, paragraph 2 of Art. 141 SK RF

The decision comes into force after 30 days. Until that moment, if the child cannot be in the family, guardianship has the right to place him, for example, in a social rehabilitation center. After a month, specialists will start looking for another family for the child.

If the child is placed under guardianship or guardianship, the guardian or guardian may be relieved of duty upon request. The decision is made by guardianship - the court does not participate.

p. 3 art. 29 of the law on guardianship and guardianship

To do this, you need to contact the guardianship department at the place of residence. In the application, indicate the reason for the release. For example, if the refusal is due to the illness of the adoptive parent, attach a medical certificate that confirms this. If the reasons are psychological, specialists will communicate with the child to make sure that there is no mutual understanding between the ward and the guardian.

Within 15 days, the guardianship authorities will release the guardian or trustee from his duties. The child can spend this time in a social rehabilitation center, another foster family or an orphanage.

Unlike adoption, if the guardian renounces his duties, he will still have the opportunity to take the child back into custody in the future.

This is what an order to release from custody at the request of a guardian may look like

What is the result

The law allows you to abandon a child who has been adopted or taken under guardianship or guardianship. From the question, I understood that the conflict is purely psychological. I understand that it’s hard for you, but I advise you not to rush: perhaps breaking up and returning the child to the orphanage will become an even more painful experience.

You said you tried to do it on your own, but it didn't work. It happens. Adaptation is usually long and takes place in several stages. Unfortunately, not all families can reach the stabilization of relations.

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