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Soon-to-be dads: How to help – and what not to say – during pregnancy | Your Pregnancy Matters

I may be around pregnant women all the time, but that didn’t stop me from saying some pretty bonehead things to my wife while she was pregnant. So this is my advice to dads-to-be on how to stay out of the doghouse.

As just one of many examples, I once complained about not sleeping well.  This is not a smart thing to say to a pregnant woman. My lovely wife was just a few weeks from giving birth, and when she wasn’t tossing and turning to find a comfortable position for her growing belly, she was getting up constantly to go to the bathroom. I may have been tired, but it was nothing compared to what she was going through. Not to mention this earned me a night on the couch.

I had no idea what to do when we were expecting our first child. Basically, I was freaking out the whole time. I think that’s normal when you’re about to become a parent.

However, no matter how scared you are, mom is just as scared. Yes, your life is changing, but it’s not your body changing drastically and sending you on a hormonal roller coaster. Pregnancy is all about mom because, let’s be honest, they’re the ones doing the hard work. What you need to do is be supportive – in whatever way you can at that moment.

First trimester: Help her feel better

The beginning of pregnancy can be tough. Your partner likely will be exhausted and she may not feel well. Offer to run out to get her medicine – physician-approved of course. Let her know it’s OK if she throws up in front of you. If she’s uncomfortable with that, give her space when she’s sick.

Your partner may start craving weird foods. My wife ate cheese sticks, boiled eggs, and raspberries for about the first two months of her pregnancy. That’s what tasted good to her and didn’t make her sick.

If your partner feels this way, don’t ask what’s for dinner. Be an adult and cook your own food. If the smell of certain foods makes her nauseated, give it up for the time being.

If your partner wants pickles at 2 a.m., get out of bed and go get them. You were responsible for half this pregnancy, so it’s the least you can do!

Starting when you get a positive pregnancy test, show interest and be involved throughout the pregnancy. Learn as much as you can. Read the pregnancy books. Accompany her to prenatal appointments. This can be especially important if a problem develops during the pregnancy. If you are involved and at the appointments, you will better understand what’s going on and what to expect down the road.

Attend prenatal classes. This can be helpful during labor and delivery when she’s in pain and forgets some of the things she learned. You can help her remember what she can do to manage her pain and what’s coming next.

Second trimester: Pamper her

This is the honeymoon phase of pregnancy – after the first trimester sickness and before the discomfort of the third trimester. If you’re looking to get away for a few days, this is the perfect time to take her on a babymoon.

You also can help her friends and family plan a baby shower. I know you may not care about the silly games they play or the cutesy gifts. But know this: You’re going to need more diapers than exist in the world, so be grateful when you get them!

Third trimester: Make her feel comfortable

By the third trimester, your partner is going to start feeling pretty uncomfortable. Tell her to sit down and put her feet up while you make dinner, or give her a massage. If you go to a movie theater, pick a seat on the aisle near the exit so she easily can get up to go to the bathroom.

She may not feel like herself, so this is a good time to help foster her self-esteem. If she asks if she looks fat, say, “Absolutely not, you look beautiful.” Make her feel special and wanted. If she’s up for it, know that sex is almost always safe during pregnancy. Talk with your doctor, but there are very few occasions when it may not be safe.

However, she may not be in the mood. She may not feel sexy, and her growing belly can make sex uncomfortable. If she’s not into it, be understanding and don’t make her feel bad about it.

Labor and delivery: What not to say

There’s no way around it: Labor and delivery can be scary for partners. You’ve gone to the classes and read the books, but nothing can prepare you 100 percent for what’s coming. You may be nervous, but remember that it’s nothing compared to how your partner is feeling. Though you can’t take away her pain, you can stand by and support her.

In TV shows and movies, dads say dumb things to women during labor and delivery. Well, they’re not exaggerating – much. When my wife went into labor and I was driving her to the hospital, there was road construction and we kept driving over big bumps. I was so nervous and couldn’t help laughing. I thought she was going to hit me as she exclaimed, “Why is this so funny? Why are you laughing?”

Here are a few other things I’ve heard over the years that I recommend not saying to your partner while she’s giving birth to your child:

• “Gross.” I don’t care if what you’re looking at is the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen. Don’t say this. Ever.
• “Oh, the pain can’t be that bad.” It is. You can’t even imagine. Don’t try to empathize with her pain. Don’t try to minimize it. Just let her experience it, hold her hand, and do what she asks and needs you to do.

After the birth: Be protective and helpful

Now that your little one has arrived, every family member and friend you have will want to meet him or her. You need to be the gatekeeper. Mom likely will be tired and just want to spend time with her new baby. Don’t be afraid to tell your loved ones to come back later. Or meet them in the waiting room and entertain them out there.   

It’s inevitable that you’ll forget things in the rush to go to the hospital. It’s your job to run back and forth to get a change of clothes, the phone charger, or whatever she needs.

The early days of a baby’s life are exhausting for the whole family, but try to minimize that for your partner. If she’s breastfeeding, you can’t help with middle-of-the-night feedings, but you can still be helpful. Get up and change the baby’s diaper so she can rest a few more minutes. My wife and I took shifts so we both could get some sleep.

Take as much off her plate as possible. Do the laundry, cook meals, and clean the house. If the baby is sleeping and she wants to rest, entertain your other children so she can sleep. Give her time alone. If the baby is fed and doesn’t need her, let her have a few hours of peace and quiet or a chance to get out of the house.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. Find time to do something that will rejuvenate you – even if it’s just going to the gym on your way home from work.

It will take time for your family to get into a routine that works best for all of you – especially after one or both of your return to work from maternity or paternity leave. It’s easy to hunker down and just get through the first months of a baby’s life, but don’t forget to stay connected to the outside world. Maintain relationships with friends and family – and each other. Go on a date. You both need time to take a breath and maintain your sanity.

As for sex after having a baby, talk to your physician about how long you should wait. Most physicians recommend six weeks. Just remember, you can get pregnant again right away, even if your partner is breastfeeding. Don’t forget to use contraception.

Fatherhood is a big job – and it starts with taking good care of mom. Becoming a dad is scary and nerve-wracking, but also awesome. Enjoy the ride!

A pregnant wife: instructions for her husband

During pregnancy, new processes begin to occur in a woman's body, often incomprehensible to both spouses.

Emotions, appetite, dizziness, changes in bodily sensations... Of course, all this affects relationships in the family. Husbands experience extreme stress and often do not know what to do - as if their wife had been replaced.

Of course, much in a relationship during pregnancy depends on how desirable the unborn child is. And on how the couple knows how to express their love for each other. nine0003

Communication with a pregnant wife requires special understanding, patience, and knowledge of the situation. To facilitate communication, we offer the husband some tips to help him get through this difficult period without loss.

Try to understand what cannot be experienced by yourself

It is not physically possible for a man to feel what is happening to a woman. Talk to your wife about things that she feels are bothering her. This will allow you to understand it better. Yes, you do not feel the same, but you are actively involved, you are there. You are one hundred percent in the process. A man can simply sympathize and provide comfort. Knowing that a husband is worried about his wife is very important. This will give her strength and calmness. nine0003

Take on more household chores

Listen to your wife's wishes. Any. Household or even requests for small things. Take out the trash, hang up laundry after washing, take over the washing of dishes or finally install a dishwasher. Any help is important, this is a real manifestation of care and love. Even if you were brought up with the understanding that there are “male” and “female” jobs in the house, you will have to break the stereotype. Take into account that such times are already in the past, when women did not work, but took care of the house. In a modern society, where both men and women work equally, it is also customary to share responsibilities, and even more so in such a difficult period for a woman. nine0003

Take care of your wife and fulfill all her "whims"

It may seem to you that your wife has turned into a terrible shrew and asks for the impossible. This is not so, in the body of a woman during this period, hormones made a real mess, hence the strange behavior, habits, requests. Believe me, your wife does not mock you. And if she wanted peaches in the middle of the night in winter, then run headlong through all the supermarkets in search of what she wants. All the same, she will not let you fall asleep and will throw a tantrum. Because it is very important for her, no matter how strange her request may seem to you. It is likely that she herself will then be surprised by her behavior. nine0003

If she asks you not to wear cologne, hide it away. Does she no longer like your beard? Shave without regrets. If she does not want intimacy, then she will have to put up with it. Not always women experience pleasant sensations from sex during pregnancy. Do not rush her, be affectionate and gentle and she herself will seduce you if she wants to.

A woman's legs get very tired during pregnancy. Still, the weight is growing, the blood vessels of the legs are compressed under the weight of the fetus, and the ankles are also swollen. Give her a foot massage with lavender and peppermint oils before bed. This will relieve tension before going to bed and relax a woman. Your wife will be grateful to you. Offer to help with everything, even if you need to shampoo and blow dry your hair. nine0003

Trust your wife and don't give too much advice

Often men give advice to their wife that they once heard from their mother. When showing concern about the state of pregnancy, it is important for a husband to use any information in moderation. Even doctor's advice may not always be appropriate. Believe me, a woman feels better what exactly she needs at this particular moment - the instincts of women are perfectly developed. And the information from your mother may no longer be relevant, even worse, it will irritate your wife. It is better to read the popular modern literature on this topic yourself and invite her to discuss the book together. nine0003

"Filter" the environment and external information

Try to protect your wife from negativity during this period. These can be people who are unpleasant to her (even from among relatives), violent films and programs, discussions of unsuccessful pregnancy and childbirth on Internet forums.

A woman is too receptive at this time and can think up a lot of unnecessary things, and people unpleasant to her will cause her stress. Better bring her more good videos about children, animals and happy love. Come up with reasons for her why she can't go to the birthday party of a cousin she can't stand
cannot.

A woman is now like a fragile vase, fill it only with soft toys and sweets and make sure that needles do not accidentally fall into it.

Maintain love, make efforts

After a certain period of time - usually from a year to three - the feeling of love sharply declines. Even the wife's pregnancy does not save. Therefore, a man's initiative is needed. Support love with your actions. It is important to understand that it depends on you whether the love fire will be maintained or whether it will die out. And remember that a child is the result of love. Show love, do not accumulate omissions and resentment. Move on to the next level. nine0003

Everything will work out if you consciously go through this difficult but amazing period of pregnancy. And it is best to experience it together with your beloved wife, without standing aside.

The role of a man in pregnancy

So, your wife is pregnant, which means that you are expecting a baby together. And, most likely, you are interested in questions about how this pregnancy will directly affect you, your wife and your relationship in general. In order for everything to turn out well, you need to understand what your wife expects from you, and what is your role in this difficult period. nine0003

The first thing your wife always expects from you is to fulfill a male role, to perform male duties, which can manifest itself as participation and support in everyday ordinary life.

However, the time of pregnancy differs from the usual life of the spouses. Moreover, pregnancy itself consists of trimesters, which also have their own characteristics. Therefore, your participation and support should be different in each trimester.

First trimester

The wife's emotional state can be described as "here and now". nine0003

• During this period, it is important for your wife to first of all accept her pregnancy, to accept all the changes that are happening to her and in her.
• She becomes helpless because the physiological and hormonal restructuring of the body in this trimester takes a lot of strength. A woman in her emotional state in the 1st trimester approaches the characteristics of a small child who needs parental care and priceless love.

On the other hand, it is the realization that both of you are becoming parents that prompts her to "test" you again and again for your readiness for fatherhood: what kind of father are you for her child, how do you cope with your role ...

Therefore, your task during this period is to try to be a father for both - for your wife and baby. And you won’t be able to come up with anything better than the simplest thing - to fulfill her “strange” desires, pamper her, protect her and show her how much you love her. Because attention to her, to her condition means for the wife that you will also take care of the child.

Supporting your wife at the beginning of pregnancy, you will get much more than you gave: you will get her confidence that you are there, that you can take care of her in a difficult responsible period, that you are an attentive, feeling father and you can have children with you. nine0003

Second trimester

The emotional state of the wife fits the definition of "bread and circuses".

In the second trimester, the emotional and intellectual sphere of a woman changes:

• the intensity of her emotions becomes brighter;
• long experiences disappear;
• the leading emotional background is positive and, if nothing happens, life is beautiful.

Now your wife is quite well adapted to her condition, eats "for two" and needs a variety of positive emotions. nine0003

What is your role in this trimester? To be with her - a partner, in all her endeavors: theater, exhibitions, cinema, shops, various taste changes (including possible restrictions on products), sex, doctors, prenatal courses, swimming pool, etc.

This is the "golden time" of pregnancy, when you live this period vividly together, are saturated with the novelty of life, and already your baby shows itself to be moving. In this trimester, a woman begins to move from the position of a child to a motherly position. She is already beginning to take concrete care of the baby: she communicates with him, looks for information related to the child, goes to courses, makes plans ...

During this period, you also begin to feel your paternity, because it becomes possible to communicate with the child through the stomach, and you can already form a first impression of him: what he is like, what he does not like, how he reacts to external events, how long it takes to calm down …

During this period, your role doubles: for your wife you become a caring partner in life, and for a baby - a parent. All you need to do is to be a support for your wife and make it clear that she is loved, despite any changes that occur to her body. nine0003

The third trimester

The third trimester can be described as follows: “nesting and sleeping…”

The essence of this trimester is to experience 2 events:

• to equip the “nest” and
• prepare for childbirth.

Inevitably and unexpectedly for you, the wife will begin to show the nest-making syndrome, which is characterized by her completely irresistible desire to prepare a place for the child: buying a crib, various kinds of accessories for the child, etc. Even if your wife basically does not buy anything before the birth of the baby, you cannot avoid shopping. nine0003

And then your role may be to take a manly approach to evaluating the things you buy. If a stroller, for example, evaluate it in terms of functionality, ease of delivery, installation in an apartment, heaviness for a wife, rigidity for a child, etc. Here is the time to reveal yourself as a man - the head of the family!

We often have much more in us than we think. And pregnancy not only reveals a woman, but also enriches a man, making him stronger and giving him new skills and knowledge about himself. By the end of pregnancy, your wife will more and more “go away” into an internal state, as if glowing from the inside. She is psychologically and physiologically preparing for childbirth. She is almost ready to become a mother and ready to take care of the baby. nine0003

Your role is the role of an equal partner in organizing and living this event, as well as becoming a real father for the baby with all the rights to love him and all the duties to him: in saving his life and providing him with favorable conditions for health, growth and development .

And again, when the pregnancy is almost over: support, ability to feel, confidence that you and your wife are both equal parents, and everyone contributes to the life of the family and the baby.

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