Divorce and how it affects child development
What Are the Effects of Divorce on Children?
Divorce can be a difficult time for a family. Not only are the parents realizing new ways of relating to each other, but they are learning new ways to parent their children. When parents divorce, the effects of divorce on children can vary. Some children react to divorce in a natural and understanding way, while other children may struggle with the transition.
Children are resilient and with assistance the divorce transition can be experienced as an adjustment rather than a crisis. Since the children in a divorce vary (different temperaments, different ages), the effects of divorce on children vary, too. FamilyMeans understands this and approaches a divorce by understanding what the effects are on children of all dispositions.
With this in mind, here are some of the most commonly seen effects divorce has on children FamilyMeans can help parents manage:
Poor Performance in Academics
Divorce is difficult for all members of the family. For children, trying to understand the changing dynamics of the family may leave them distracted and confused. This interruption in their daily focus can mean one of the effects of divorce on children would be seen in their academic performance. The more distracted children are, the more likely they are to not be able to focus on their school work.
Loss of Interest in Social Activity
Research has suggested divorce can affect children socially, as well. Children whose family is going through divorce may have a harder time relating to others, and tend to have less social contacts. Sometimes children feel insecure and wonder if their family is the only family that has gotten divorced.
Difficulty Adapting to Change
Through divorce, children can be affected by having to learn to adapt to change more often and more frequently. New family dynamics, new house or living situation, schools, friends, and more, may all have an effect.
Emotionally Sensitive
Divorce can bring several types of emotions to the forefront for a family, and the children involved are no different.
Feelings of loss, anger, confusion, anxiety, and many others, all may come from this transition. Divorce can leave children feeling overwhelmed and emotionally sensitive. Children need an outlet for their emotions – someone to talk to, someone who will listen, etc. – children may feel effects of divorce through how they process their emotions.
Anger/Irritability
In some cases, where children feel overwhelmed and do not know how to respond to the affects they feel during divorce, they may become angry or irritable. Their anger may be directed at a wide range of perceived causes. Children processing divorce may display anger at their parents, themselves, their friends, and others. While for many children this anger dissipates after several weeks, if it persists, it is important to be aware that this may be a lingering effect of the divorce on children.
Feelings of Guilt
Children often wonder why a divorce is happening in their family. They will look for reasons, wondering if their parents no longer love each other, or if they have done something wrong.
These feelings of guilt are a very common effect of divorce on children, but also one which can lead to many other issues. Guilt increases pressure, can lead to depression, stress, and other health problems. Providing context and counseling for a child to understand their role in a divorce can help reduce these feelings of guilt.
Introduction of Destructive Behavior
While children go through a divorce, unresolved conflict may lead to future unexpected risks. Research has shown children who have experienced divorce in the previous 20 years were more likely to participate in crimes, rebelling through destructive behavior which harms a child's health, with more children reporting they have acquired smoking habits, or prescription drug use.
Increase in Health Problems
The process of divorce and its effects on children can be a stressful. Dealing with these issues can take its toll, including physical problems. Children who have experienced divorce have a higher perceptibility to sickness, which can stem from many factors, including their difficulty going to sleep.
Also, signs of depression can appear, exacerbating these feelings of loss of well-being, and deteriorating health signs.
Loss of Faith in Marriage and Family Unit
Finally, despite hoping to have stable relationships themselves when they grow up, research has also shown children who have experienced divorce are more likely to divorce when in their own relationships. Some research indicates this propensity to divorce may be two to three times as high as children who come from non-divorced families.
Yet, while these are some of the possible effects of divorce on children, they are by no means absolutes, or written in stone. More and more, families understand just how stressful divorce is for their children, as well as their selves. Families have begun to turn to supportive services such as at FamilyMeans, seeking help to find a peaceful way to divorce. Through our Collaborative Divorce program, we are helping families more successfully navigate this transition, both for the sake of the parents, and for the children involved.
To learn how we can help you through your divorce, contact FamilyMeans today for more information.
How does divorce affect a child’s development?
Divorce is technically an event which takes place between two people. However, when children are involved, the impact of the divorce is far from isolated to the married couple.
Instead, the lives of everyone in the family structure can shift drastically. This shift is so much the case that often when married, individuals with children find their marriage falling apart. They ask themselves and each other if they should remain together for the sake of their kids alone.
Despite this query, the truth of the matter is that children raised in peaceful, supportive environments with the love and support of both of their parents have the best long-term outcomes. Whether that be with two married parents or parents who have divorced and live separately (often referred to as ‘co-parenting’), the child’s psychosocial function across childhood and adolescence is better when home environments are nurturing and relatively stress-free.
A 2014 study examined family structure on the health of children following divorce. Researchers found that children with two divorced parents who maintained an amicable relationship had better long-term outcomes relative to children with two parents who remained married but argued and fought routinely.
That said, the psychological effects of an actual divorce on children are highly variable. Divorce proceedings can be tense, stressful, and emotional for everyone in the family. Despite parents trying to shield their children from whatever legal proceedings are taking place, children are highly perceptive, and can often grasp any contention in the air.
Further, the adjustments to living in two houses, sharing time between parents, and acclimating to an entirely new way of life can take its toll.
Initial impact across developmentDepending on the age of your child, the divorce and ensuing new way of life may be challenging to explain.
Young children often struggle to understand what is taking place concretely. Why do I suddenly have two rooms? Why do I spend the holidays split between mommy and daddy? Will daddy stop loving me if I spend too much time with mommy?
Parents may need to prepare for these questions.
Grade school children tend to have the predominant worry that the divorce is their fault. They may worry that their misbehaviour or something they did was the catalyst for the divorce. As a parent, it is imperative that the child feels support and clarification that this is not the case.
Adolescents often feel anger above all else. They may be resentful that the changes in their home situation disrupt their social circle and school life. Rather than blaming themselves, they may blame one parent disproportionately for the dissolution of their marriage.
Alternatively, they may feel anger towards both of their parents for the changes and upheaval in their life during a natural time of transition.
There are numerous risks in several different domains of functioning that children face when their parents separate. Two critical areas related to psychosocial functioning include:
Mental Health Problems
A recent 2019 study suggests that regardless of age, gender, culture or age, children with divorced parents experience psychological problems at a higher degree than peers with happily married parents2. In particular, reports have indicated increased rates of anxiety (specifically separation anxiety) and depression.
Behavioural Problems
Children from divorced families tend to exhibit more externalising problems, such as aggression, delinquency, and impulsive behaviour compared to peers from two-parent households. These outcomes may occur because they are mirroring actions they observed at home. Alternatively, in the first years following the divorce, it could be because they do not feel stable in their home situation.
In line with this comes increased vulnerabilities for risk-taking behaviours. Particularly in the adolescent period, children with divorced parents have been known to engage in sexual activity, drink alcohol, and experiment with drugs earlier than their peers. A higher number of sexual partners during adolescence is also associated with separation from fathers early in childhood.
How to promote resiliency and adjustment in children following divorce?Although the outcomes mentioned above may seem scary, it is essential to remember that they do not occur in all children. Additionally, the good news is that despite these outcomes, there are definite steps that parents and caregivers can take to reduce any stress imposed on their children, no matter how old they may be.
Co-parenting
Peaceful co-parenting is central to decreasing a child’s distress. There are clear links between the conflict between parents and behavioural problems in young children.
Co-parenting successfully with your ex-spouse is vital in maintaining a healthy and happy home environment in both houses.
Avoid putting children in the middle
You must be aware and conscious of how your communication with your ex-spouse affects your kids. Avoid having them pass messages between you and your ex-spouse. Do not ask them whether they would prefer to spend time with you or your partner. If there is a special school event or club activity, decide amongst the adults who will attend without putting the responsibility on your child to decide. This forced choice and ‘relay station’ treatment can cause anxiety and worry, particularly in introverted school-age children.
Consistent rules and discipline
Communicate with your ex-partner to develop clear rules and guidelines for your parenting. Having different parenting styles is normal and okay but be sure to maintain consistency for things like bedtimes, after-school extracurriculars, and curfews. Reducing changes in circumstances from week to week (or however often the children move between households) can minimise friction and confusion in children internally and help you as a parent to remain authoritative.
Get professional help
Divorce is complicated. It is okay not to feel okay. Although friends and other family members can be hugely beneficial, finding someone that can talk you outside of the family structure can also be useful. Reducing your stress level as a parent can allow you to have more space for your child to process their thoughts with you.
Seeking professional help for your child is also a great idea. Individual therapy, particularly in older age children, is critical in helping your child sort through their emotions. Family therapy can be beneficial for younger kids, as you and your ex-spouse can facilitate and structure the session with the help of a professional.
Key TakeawayOverall, divorce does seem to have an impact on child development and psychosocial health. Mainly when the proceeding is contentious, or the divorce comes up unexpectedly, divorce is a strong environmental risk factor for lifelong function.
Although this may be the case, parents and families can take specific steps to minimise the impact of these changes. In many cases, the life of a child with two happy parents following an amicable divorce can be full of positivity, health, and success.
If you are currently going through a divorce and have children who are struggling, follow the steps listed above. If you feel you or your child would benefit from professional help, seek it out as soon as possible.
Our family law solicitors can offer advice to keep your divorce stress free. Compromise is the essence of any agreement.
- Anderson J. The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce. Linacre Q. 2014;81(4):378–387.
- D’Onofrio B, Emery R. Parental divorce or separation and children’s mental health. World Psychiatry. 2019;18(1):100–101.
- Anderson J. The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce. Linacre Q.
2014;81(4):378–387. - Anderson J. The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce. Linacre Q. 2014;81(4):378–387.
- D’Onofrio B, Emery R. Parental divorce or separation and children’s mental health. World Psychiatry. 2019;18(1):100–101.
- Anderson J. The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce. Linacre Q. 2014;81(4):378–387.
Related article: How to cope when your parents’ divorce?
The impact of divorce on the development of children
Divorce, according to psychologists, is a stressful situation that threatens the mental balance of one or both partners, and especially children. The situation of divorce in the family causes great harm to the mental health of the child, for whom there is not and cannot be a divorce from either the father or the mother. Parents cannot become strangers to him if they really do not want it. 5-7-year-old children, and especially boys, react especially painfully to divorce, while girls are especially acutely experiencing separation from their father at the age of 2 to 5 years.
nine0003 According to doctors, every fifth child with neurosis experienced separation from his father in childhood.
The consequences of a parent's divorce can have a negative impact on the child's entire subsequent life. The "battle" of parents in the pre-divorce and post-divorce period leads to the fact that
- 37.7% of children have reduced academic performance,
- 19.6% suffer from discipline at home,
- 17.4% require special attention,
- 8.7% run away from home,
- 6.5% have conflicts with friends. nine0009
At the same time, some psychologists believe that divorce can sometimes be regarded as a blessing if it changes for the better the conditions for the formation of the child's personality, puts an end to the negative impact on his psyche of marital conflicts. But in most cases, the separation of parents has a traumatic effect on the child. Moreover, it is not the divorce itself that causes great psychological trauma, but the situation in the family that precedes it.
Joint research by psychologists and physicians has shown that even in infancy, a child is able to acutely survive the psychological trauma that a mother experiences during or as a result of a divorce. The result of a response to a depressive post-divorce state of the mother may even be the death of a baby. This happens because newborns are in symbiosis with their mother, remain part of her body. In an unfavorable situation in the family, the attention of the mother is concentrated on conflicts and disputes with her husband, and the child is deprived of her care. In addition, when a young mother is in a conflicting pre-divorce or difficult post-divorce situation for a long time, the breastfeeding process that is so necessary for the baby almost always stops before the deadline, since the mother usually loses milk due to nervous tension. nine0006
There are also opposite situations, when a stressed mother surrounds the child with excessive care, literally does not let him go, so that her emotional state is transmitted to him in direct contact.
But a particularly difficult situation arises when, for some reason, the mother is forced, even temporarily, to separate from the baby, to give it into the wrong hands.
The breakup of a family is equally difficult for children of preschool age. Studies by foreign psychologists have shown that for a preschool child, the divorce of parents is a breakdown of a stable family structure, habitual relationships with parents, a conflict between attachment to father and mother. Specialists studied the reactions of preschool children to the breakup of the family in the pre-divorce period, during the period of divorce, and a few months after the divorce. They were interested in changes in children's behavior in the game, their relationships with peers, emotional manifestations, the nature and degree of awareness of conflicts experienced in the family
Children 2.5-3.5 years old reacted to the breakup of the family by crying, sleep disturbance, increased timidity, cognitive decline, untidiness, addiction to their own things and toys.
They parted with their mother with great difficulty. The game created a fictional world inhabited by hungry, aggressive animals. Negative symptoms were relieved if parents restored care and physical care for them.
Children aged 3.5-4.5 years showed increased anger, aggressiveness, experiencing a sense of loss, and anxiety. Extroverts became withdrawn and silent. Some children showed a regression of play forms, they were characterized by the manifestation of a sense of guilt for the breakup of the family. nine0006
In children aged 5-6 years, increased aggression and anxiety, irritability, restlessness, and anger were also observed. Children in this age group have a fairly clear idea of the changes in their lives caused by divorce. They are able to talk about their experiences, longing for their father, the desire to restore a family, the children did not show pronounced developmental delays or a decrease in self-esteem, but the most vulnerable were disturbed by sleep and appetite.
According to research data, the only child is the most vulnerable in the event of family breakdown. nine0004 Those who have brothers and sisters experience a divorce much easier: children in such situations take out aggression or anxiety on each other, which significantly reduces emotional stress and reduces the likelihood of nervous breakdowns.
One of the most immediate consequences of post-divorce stress for children is a violation of their adaptation to everyday life. This is evidenced by the results of a study by Czech psychologists. The father who left the family is often perceived by the child as a traitor. Therefore, the entry of the child into the social environment is complicated and deformed. nine0004
Quite often, children from divorced families are subject to moral and psychological pressure from children from prosperous, complete families, which leads to the formation of a sense of insecurity in them, and often anger and aggressiveness.
The formation of the personality of the child and his adaptation is even more complicated if he was a witness or participant in all family conflicts and scandals that led his parents to divorce, and especially if the child is being set up by one parent against the other. nine0005 The child's adaptability decreases in proportion to the length of time he lives in such a crumbling family.
Complicate the process of social adaptation of children persistent attempts of the parent after a divorce to arrange their own fate, forgetting about the feelings and attachments of the child. For example, a mother with whom a child lives often has new applicants for the role of husband. The child is abandoned. He feels like no one needs him. Under such conditions, the formation of the personality of a misanthrope is not excluded, for which there are neither ethical nor moral rules in relations with other people. nine0006
But the absence of a man in the environment of the child is an important factor, but not the determining one.
The upbringing of the child in this situation falls almost entirely on the mother's shoulders. Therefore, the absence of a father is not so much a cause as a prerequisite for developmental disorders.
Divorce for adults is a painful, unpleasant, sometimes dramatic experience, which they go through of their own free will and with the best of intentions.
For a child, the separation of parents is a tragedy associated with with destruction of habitual habitat. Therefore, children's experience of parental separation varies in the range from sluggish depression, apathy to sharp negativism and demonstrating disagreement (by their behavior) with the opinion and decision of their parents. Adults, in addition to this, being unable to control their own experiences, change their attitude towards the child, often using him as an object of discharge of their negative emotions. And this naturally leaves an imprint on the formation of the child's personality, since children largely perceive events, focusing on the reaction of adults in such a crisis period for them.
nine0057
Types of incomplete families.
It is the family that has a decisive influence on the development of the individual, lays the foundation for the most important human qualities. For this foundation to be strong, the family must be prosperous. Family well-being largely depends on whether the family is complete or not. There are the most contradictory opinions about families where only one parent is engaged in raising a child.
- Some people think it's always bad,
- others argue that it is absolutely indifferent for a child who brings him up,
- and still others prove that an incomplete family even has certain advantages over a complete one, since the remaining parent is personally responsible for everything that happens in his family and does not try to shift the blame for his own failures or mistakes onto other family members.
Undoubtedly, each of these points of view can be equally accepted or refuted.
nine0004
Although not every complete family is a normal environment for the full development and upbringing of a child, the presence of both parents in it helps to more successfully solve many problems related to maintaining his mental health. This has been repeatedly pointed out and pointed out by various specialists involved in the study of the problem of incomplete families. In particular, there is a definite statistical connection between the upbringing of children in an incomplete family and their subsequent failed family life. nine0004
What is an incomplete family? An incomplete family is a family that consists of one parent with one or more minor children.
There is an additional category - the so-called functionally incomplete families. There are two parents in this group, but professional or other reasons leave them little time for the family. Communication with children is possible only on weekends, and even then for several hours.
Moreover, some parents generally forget about their educational functions. An example would be a family where one of the parents is in business. Such parents, as it were, are excluded from the family group, are listed in it, and do not take a real part in shaping the personality of their children. nine0006
There are several reasons why an incomplete family is formed:
- due to divorce,
- out-of-wedlock birth of a child,
- death of one of the parents or their separation.
In this regard, the following types of incomplete families are distinguished:
- Divorced family
- Orphaned family
- Illegitimate family
Depending on who is involved in the upbringing of the child, the following families are distinguished:
- Mother
- Paternal
Taking into account the fact that in the conditions of Russian reality, an incomplete family in most cases consists of a mother and a child, i.
e. is essentially maternal, we will consider the features of maternal-child relationships and their influence on the nature of the mental and personal development of the child.
According to the number of generations in a family, they distinguish between incomplete simple - parent and child and incomplete extended - parent, child and other relatives. nine0006
Features of each type.
Life in an incomplete divorced family, according to experts, leads to the fact that the child gets mentally traumatized due to the fact that the parents for some reason could not or did not want to live together. The consequences of divorce are reflected in the psyche of the child, causing him to develop feelings of inferiority, shame and fear. Therefore, it is natural to desire and hope, especially for small children, for the reunion of father and mother. Long-term observations have shown that children of preschool age consider themselves guilty of the divorce of their parents, a feeling of hatred and a thirst for revenge develop.
Children around the age of 10 condemn both parents or the one who, in their opinion, deprived them of protection. nine0006
A distinctive feature of single-parent divorced families is that the mother often returns with her children to her parents after the dissolution of the marriage. A characteristic phenomenon in such an incomplete family will be the inversion of educational roles, when the role of the mother is taken by the grandmother with authoritarian personality traits, and the role of the father is performed by the mother with strong character traits and hung principles or grandfather. It should also be taken into account that sometimes the moral and material support of parents contributes to divorce. nine0005 Quite often, children left with their mother become a kind of scapegoat to reduce her nervous tension and feelings of emotional dissatisfaction. A natural consequence of such behavior of the mother will be an increase in mental stress in children and the appearance of neurotic and behavioral disorders in them.
The same opinion is shared by the child psychiatrist M.I. Buyanov. The worst thing, he says, is that mental disorders in children caused by a dysfunctional family environment are almost always chronic. nine0003 There are no serious consequences in the case of a divorce of parents only in those cases if it is perceived by the child as liberation from a nightmare.
An orphaned family is formed as a result of the death of one of the parents. Despite the fact that the loss of a loved one is a terrible blow to the family, its remaining members are able to unite and maintain the integrity of the family group.
Family ties in such families are not destroyed: family relationships with all relatives from the side of the deceased spouse are preserved, who continue to be part of the family circle . Even after remarriage, such relationships will continue, as society takes marriage after widowhood for granted. The calm atmosphere of the new family creates the most suitable conditions for the child to receive truthful, positive information about the deceased parent.
Adult family members say the best about him, perhaps even somewhat idealizing. In this case, everything depends on what position the remaining parent takes in relation to the child. He is now both father and mother. And it's not always easy. However, from the point of view of raising a child, there should not be such problems as in a divorced family. nine0006
Extramarital. Such a type of family as an out-of-wedlock family (a family of a single mother) also has its own characteristics, resulting from the birth of a child out of wedlock by a woman.
Thus, each type of incomplete family has its own specific features, which cannot but affect the development of the child's psyche and the formation of his personal qualities.
Now let's turn to the general features of the development of a child's personality in an incomplete family.
What are the prospects for raising children in a family without a father? There are different, often contradictory points of view on this matter, but almost all of them boil down to the idea that the absence of not just a father, but, above all, a man, is an important prerequisite for deviations in the mental development of a child.
nine0006
According to psychologists, the lack of male influence in incomplete families is manifested in the following
:
• The harmonious development of the intellectual sphere is disrupted, the mathematical, spatial, analytical abilities of the child suffer due to the development of verbal abilities;
For the full development of a child's intellect, it is very important that both types of thinking occur in his environment from early childhood: both male and female. nine0006
It is based on the absence of the specifics of the intellectual environment created by men. According to research data, the more often a boy is with his father, the better he learns, and this dependence is observed even with equal abilities. The father, active, businesslike, smart, aimed at success, arouses in his son the desire to correspond to this image.
It is known that the development of intelligence is influenced by
- heredity,
- social environment,
• The child's own experience.
Therefore, it is very important at what age the child was deprived of the opportunity to experience the influence of both parents, who are for him the first source of the necessary life experience. As a rule, the earlier the child lost his father, the more his mental development suffers. The first two years of life are especially significant in this respect. The loss of a father as a result of his death especially affects the school success of the child in this case, if the moment of misfortune fell on the first school years. Also, the presence of a man (father) in the family also influences the formation of their interest in learning and education, stimulates their desire to learn. nine0006
There are other options when the father's opinion about the importance of academic success in later life can become decisive and negatively affect the child's attitude to learning. This is especially true for girls. In particular, the reason for their educational failures may be related to the fact that the father instilled in his daughter the rules of female behavior in its most traditional form: a woman is weak and passive, she requires constant care and attention from a man, her business is home and life, all kinds of sciences , career and mental development are the prerogative of strong men.
The result of such a male influence was that, having accurately determined her place in life, the girl was completely satisfied with herself, and the constant threes “with a stretch” in geometry and physics worried her a little. nine0006
These are only the most common trends. General intelligence and mental talent are more often associated with the presence of a successful, strong and active father, and a high level of creative abilities is often noted in children abandoned by their fathers. There is also evidence that in the most financially well-off strata of society, the abilities of children who grew up without a father are often higher than those of children from complete families.
• The process of gender identification of boys and girls becomes less clear; nine0057
Lack of skills in sex-role behavior.
Physicians and psychologists note that the loss or lack of a sense of sex gives rise to profound changes in the entire personality of a person.
Such a person has a tangible loss of his "I", the whole system of his relations with other people is violated.
In the development of specific sexual psychological qualities of men and women, a huge role belongs to the father. It has been noticed that already in the first months of a child's life, the father plays with the boy and the girl in different ways, thereby starting to form their gender identity. According to psychologists, the first 5-7 years of life play a decisive role in the development of masculinity traits in a boy and in the establishment of heterosexual relationships in a girl in the future. Children most successfully master this or that psychosocial role at preschool age: boys at the age of 5-7 years, in girls this period is more blurred (3-8 years). Under the influence of social influences, which in preschool childhood come mainly from parents, by the age of 3-6, a child’s idea of belonging to a certain sex is formed, which extremely strongly influences the entire further course of the formation of his personality as a man or woman.
nine0056 And the longer during this period the child has to live without a father, the more serious the difficulties of sexual identification may become, if no other man serves as an effective substitute.
The absence of a father in the family or a person replacing him affects the development of the personality and male consciousness of boys. Psychotherapists point to this fact. They note that boys deprived of the opportunity of sufficient communication with their father in childhood often do not know how to fulfill their father's duties and, thus, negatively affect the personal development of their children. nine0006
Boys brought up without a father either adopt a feminine type of behavior, or they develop a distorted idea of masculine behavior as antagonistically opposite to feminine and they do not want to accept what their mother is trying to instill in them. In both cases, there is an idea of male behavior as aggressive, rude, harsh and cruel.
Boys brought up without fathers have a harder time developing the ability to sympathize, control their behavior, they are more likely to become psychopaths, devoid of remorse.
Such boys are often less mature and less purposeful, do not feel secure enough, lack of initiative, and unbalanced, more timid. nine0006
For correct gender identification, it is necessary that the child not only clearly realizes that he is the same as his father (mother), but also has tender feelings for the parent of the opposite sex, with whom, under normal conditions of upbringing, at this moment there are especially close relations. If there are no such relationships, this may also be one of the reasons for the development of homosexuality. This point of view is shared by many researchers dealing with the problems of psychosexual personality development. nine0006 Another of the problems that children from single-parent families face is their inability to withstand life's difficulties, self-doubt and, as a result, low level of their social activity. This feature in the mental and personal development of such children is noted by teachers and psychotherapists. People from incomplete families more often than children from complete families, Such a state, according to the researchers, is more characteristic of girls, who have a particularly pronounced social trait typical of losers: they are unsure of themselves, and they do not hope for success at future. Such girls admit that they are ready to get married at the first opportunity, since they themselves will never be able to change their situation, so marriage is the only possible way out. As regards social maturity and the manifestation of social activity among boys brought up in an incomplete family, the situation here is also far from being the best. Psychologists note the social, civil and psychological immaturity of their personality, i.e. infantilism, the cause of which is seen in the "women's" education, in the reduction of the father's role in the family. nine0006 Children cannot serve as a support Not much research has been done on the long-term effects of divorce, but what has been done suggests that many divorced parents are unable to cope with emotional problems and normal life for several years (ten years after divorce was taken). In these families, children are prematurely forced to provide not only psychological support to the parent, but also, being under the unbearable burden of responsibility for the parent's condition, take on all the other problems. In such cases, their own emotional and psychological state and development are already at risk. Hypoguardianship is neglect • Such an educational policy is called hypo-care — a serious attention deficit. Hypoguardianship for a child is not the fullness of freedom, but evidence of indifference to him, constantly traumatizing his soul, a hardening situation. Often, children begin to commit hooligan acts - in an attempt (albeit unconscious) to attract the attention of their mother, they hope that their father will hear about his outrages and appear for a “showdown”. Children are ready to endure even punishment, if only to make sure that their fate is not completely indifferent to their parents, which means that they still need them. Today, single mothers are not embarrassed to line up to take their child to a “state-owned home” — let the aunts who can do it and get paid for it take care of it. And they do not meet with much public censure. Overprotection - suffocating love The indomitable desire to control every inch of the child's personal space, the inflamed love of the mother, whose whole life has shrunk to every second concern for any of his movement, action, is called by hyper-custody, and the community created by it, as if leaving no “gap” (no gasp, no sigh) - symbiotic unity (merging). “Do as your mother says. Mom knows best” — such is the educational “speech”. And he suddenly began to move away, to be secretive, gave up all circles and sections, and now he also skips school, smokes marijuana. Dependence also arises: dependence, which mother not only protects, but guards. Everything she does is to tie him tighter. The child is already in high school, and the permissions and prohibitions are the same as almost in preschool times. The child has no personal space. He does not have enough air, he suffocates, sometimes asthma occurs in the truest sense of the word - . Psychological test reveals the child's deepest feelings. For example, the drawings of "symbiotic children" reflect intense aggression: unspoken protest, hidden anger. For such a mother, it is a stunning discovery that her attempt to constantly serve the child harms him. nine0006 In adolescence, if the child is not completely crushed - to the point of complete passivity, he tries to escape from maternal care that suffocates him, leading his mother to despair. Girls and boys from an overprotective family are in danger of becoming creatures that obey the will of their partner. They are not able to insist on their own, even if what they are forced to do by someone else's will is not to their liking. This is already a model of behavior: former obedient, “good” children can easily turn into “bad” ones. It is difficult for them to accept that they have a right to their own life, just as a child has this right. That communication should unite, but the field of personal space should not be occupied and love should not paralyze the children's will Defending, to the best of their ability, their right to at least some freedom, children from an overprotective family grab onto drugs, and a wandering life, and friendship with dubious people. Very often, overprotection begins to gain momentum after a divorce. After the divorce of the parents, the child experiences difficult experiences, and the mother especially wants to pity and pamper him. But excessive doses of gratification can cause harm that is difficult to fix. The child perceives such an attitude (of course, on an unconscious level) as the inability of the mother, who is guilty before him, to refuse him anything or to show firmness, to punish even for those offenses that clearly deserve punishment. nine0056 He begins to lose sight of firm rules, boundaries of what is permitted and what is not permitted—such a rebellion can last for months or even years. If a mother constantly directs literally every step of a child, she seems to make him understand: “You are not capable of doing anything for yourself. The child takes these signals as distrust of his strength and understanding. In fact, the motto of parents (even children with disabilities) should be: "Never do for a child what he can do for himself." . The mother constantly squeezes and “licks” the child, although he is no longer a baby, puts him to sleep next to him, protects him from the slightest risk, treats him as if he were weak. But overprotectiveness is a kind of love with disturbed relationship proportions A mother may try very hard for her child - enroll in prestigious gyms, a dance club, tennis, but in fact she may be driven mainly by the desire to realize her own unfulfilled ambitions, and at the same time she makes the child responsible for successful results Therefore, he considers failure or failure in the field chosen by the mother for the child as a catastrophe Ultimately, the children of an overprotective mother do not grow up into adults who idolize their parent. And what can you say to that? From a cup of milk a day a child gets healthier, and pour a barrel on it right away - it will choke ... Divorce has long become a common occurrence in our lives. At the same time, divorce has a great impact on the life of a particular family, and especially children. But whether this influence will be negative or even more traumatic, directly depends on the position of adults. nine0057 Divorce greatly changes the lives of children. At any age, if the child already speaks, he will try to understand what happened, why it happened, whether it can be somehow corrected. And the younger the child, the stronger the natural childish egocentrism in him, the more likely that he will consider himself the cause of what happened. Therefore, if a child can speak, it is necessary to talk to him, based on facts, avoiding direct or indirect accusations, taking responsibility for this decision. nine0006 Often in such situations, it is useful for parents to seek advice from a specialist in order to figure out what and how to say, what not to say, how to organize this whole difficult process. The main task of parents is to minimize the negative impact of divorce on the psychological state of their child. What mistakes do parents make: because he himself must understand everything, not a small one. nine0006 HISTORY 2. Explaining too much to the child, thereby drawing him into adult relationships The door to the parent's bedroom is closed for children. Relations between parents with all their difficulties, joys, problems and conflicts should be discussed and resolved by parents. If this does not work out, it is wise to ask for help, for example, a psychologist. Divorce occurs in the relationship of the spouses. You can't stop being a parent. And it is important to give the child confidence (by words, actions, attitude) that both mom and dad still love him and do not disappear anywhere from his life. nine0006 1. Thus, adults draw the child into a conflict of loyalty; in any case, he will feel like a traitor to either mom or dad. If breaking up doesn't lessen anger, resentment, and pain, it makes sense to work with a psychologist so you don't burden your child, future partners, or yourself with it. nine0006 2. The child is reproached for being like the other parent The child is flesh from flesh, blood from the blood of his parents. Both. It's natural that he looks like them. Both in good and in bad. By repeating “you are as slow as your father”, the mother burdens her son with heavy shame for himself and for the person close to him. Divorce significantly changes the lives of children. That's why it's important to keep what matters to him as holistically as possible: It is important that in general the daily routine, the rhythm of life remains familiar to him. As well as the attitude of mom and dad towards him. 1. They focus too much on the child, trying to “soften the blow” Usually, the feeling of guilt pushes parents to excessive care, “gifting”, indulging all the desires of the child. This distorts his picture of the world, he either gets used to feeling "poor, unhappy", or begins to use it. 2. Focus only on their own lives, losing sight of the interests and needs of their children This is usually associated with the pain of loss, fear of the future, a feeling of emptiness in one's own life. This can manifest itself in different ways: Unfortunately, the child "is not enough" first of all emotional forces. And in this case, the help of a psychologist can be very useful. A child needs time and support from loved ones to survive changes (and this is always stress), loss (of a whole family, even if it was only in the child's fantasies). Attention, understanding, patience. It’s good if a kid or teenager can talk with mom and dad, grandparents about what he misses, how sad he is and how good it would be to live together again. nine0006 1. Overreact to any words, actions or feelings of the child in connection with the divorce. It doesn't matter if pain, fear or anger prevent parents from providing adequate support. If divorce is too painful a topic for adults, you can turn to a child psychologist, with whom the child will resolve the issues that concern him in a form that is suitable for him. 2. Do not attach much importance to the emotional state of the child. If the child is sad, looks depressed, without the same interest goes in circles, if fears appear, he becomes less sociable and active, it makes sense to contact a specialist. HISTORY The sand therapy method was chosen for the work. And over the course of several weeks, the boy over and over again built two warring camps in the sandbox, played out “bloody” battles between them. And he left calmly, because before all these battles took place inside him.
However, they do not believe in family happiness either.
In addition to the actual departure from the child of a parent living separately, the psychological departure is no less difficult for the child, when the parent who remains with him is so depressed by what happened, piled on problems and responsibilities, or is so busy establishing a completely new for him life, that for the child there is neither time nor spiritual strength. And here the child, especially if he is in his teens, is left to himself or is forced to take care of the parent, and the household, and sometimes brothers and sisters.
nine0004 Often a mother makes her daughter her best friend, which, of course, is very flattering to the child, but only at first. It is very important to maintain a close, warm relationship with the child, and it is also quite reasonable to expect sympathy from him. “But parents should always remember that, whatever the situation, they are first and foremost parents. A child, and even more so in adolescence, should be able to rely on the parent, and not vice versa,” advises the famous psychologist L. Steinberg. 
These studies revealed a "protracted" and so-called "sleep effect". Especially in girls. What does it mean? That many problems seem to settle in the subconscious. When it's time to fall in love, they feel very constrained - the persistent feeling of rejection by parents in these years develops into an intense, uncontrollable fear of betrayal. It is difficult for them to build normal relationships and later - with men, with their husband.
Single mothers feel such a heavy load of various duties and responsibilities on their shoulders that they do not always endure it and solve the problem in this way: let it be as it will be, let the child raise and educate himself. Maybe a “free” upbringing is for the best? Maybe everything just sort of works out? Such mothers reduce communication with children to a minimum: feed, somehow dress up, call a doctor, if anything ... 
And this is another extreme, fraught with danger both for joint relationships and for the formation of the child's character. Even from everyday experience, it is known that most of the children at risk are from single-parent families, where the presence of father's help and influence is not visible in any way, and the mother does not show a desire to pull the burden of educational work alone. Or, it happens, he wants, but does not know how to direct the child's behavior, enter into his problems, become his senior friend, support. nine0006 
nine0006
What is going on?!
When a mother brings her child to a psychologist who has responded to her insane love with “black ingratitude”, she is unpleasantly surprised that, first of all, the psychologist switches her curiosity to her, and even more so when it turns out that psychotherapeutic classes are not offered. only to a son or daughter, but she herself is 
And my mother complains: sometimes she is unmotivated aggressive, as if for no reason at all she will hit someone, including her. In fact, the child is only trying to protect himself from the terrible pressure of all-encompassing custody. 
They are not proactive and do not know how to rebuild their lives, creating more favorable circumstances for themselves. nine0006 
The child's self-control weakens, and in addition, conflicts are inevitable outside the threshold of the house, where people (in kindergarten or school) are not at all inclined to indulge the pretensions and egoism of a caressed child. Therefore, a measure should be observed - for the benefit of the child himself 
I have to watch over you all the time so that nothing happens. nine0006 
Often they blame her for their failures in life, timidity before life, an ingrained habit of depending on someone else's strong will. The influence of parents' divorce on children
Awareness of the child
A female student applied to a psychologist. The reason is fears, self-doubt, fears that she will not succeed in life anyway, it is better not to try. It soon became clear that her parents' divorce had been extremely traumatic for her ten years ago, when their constant quarrels led to a break. But, since neither her father nor mother discussed this with her in any way, the girl came to the conclusion that because of her her father left home, if she studied well, her parents would not quarrel and everyone would be happy.
It took a lot of time and great effort on the part of an already matured girl to survive this trauma and learn to accept her own responsibility, and not bear the burden of someone else. nine0057
The impact of the relationship with the child with each of the parents
Mistakes parents make: 
Discuss or condemn directly and indirectly the former spouse (or spouse) in the presence of children. Stability in a child's life
What mistakes parents make:
Emotional support for a child in the event of a divorce of parents
What mistakes do parents make: 
By the way, in most cases this is the best way to help the child, because he intuitively “protects” his parents and tries to cope with his feelings himself, even when adults react calmly. nine0006
Mom brought a 6-year-old boy to a psychologist. A few months ago, the fear of the dark, which the child had before, resumed and greatly intensified. The parents divorced a year ago, according to the mother, the son "was not especially worried." nine0057 
