11 Loving Ways to Help Dad Bond with Baby! – The Crazy Outdoor Mama
If you’re reading this, the situation probably sounds pretty familiar – the baby needs help, so dad goes to pick her up, and she instantly starts crying!
Alot of times, that can be pretty disheartening for dad… I know my husband sometimes got bummed that it seemed our babies only wanted me!
However, you’ll be relieve to now that it’s actually pretty common, and even morerelieve to know that this is just a phase!
I can’t count how many times hubby jumped up to help one of our babies, and I was hoping that she would accept his help – only to have her cry and he’d say “she only wants you”…
However, there are a couple of ways to really help dad bond with your baby which is super important for him AND you (it’s hard to get a break when the baby will cry in anyone else’s presence)
When dad is available, let him help with things like diaper changes and swaddlng!
I know that whenever my babies needed help, I just sort of “auto responded” and get up right got up right away without ever letting my hubby help, even though he was right there!
It’s easy to get in the habit of doing everything for your baby, either because you’re used to it or you think it will be easier.
However, by letting dad help, your baby is learning that your partner is also a trusted care giver who can help with their needs!
It might be rough at first (your baby will likely freak out!) but it’s something that takes time to learn, even if it doesn’t seem like it will work at first!
It’s alot easier to build a bond with your baby if dad helps take care of him, which in turn teaches the baby to trust dad!Do not immediately shoot down his opinions on the care of the baby!
I know, if you’re a stay at home mom, you do have alot of experience with taking care of the baby, and you might have even tried whatever it is he is saying!
This is sore spot STILL with my husband and I (I really need to get better!)
If your partner works out of the home, he might feel like he is missing out on alot of the decision making when it comes to how your guys’ baby is being taken care of. This can be a pretty big bummer!
It’s important to include your partner in all decision making so that he feels connected to the baby – even small things like types of food they should eat, bathing routines, activities etc. .
So the next time your partner has a suggestion, instead of immediately sighing to yourself (which surprise, he can hear and see!) or rolling your eyes,, take him seriously because he also wants to be involved, and is trying the best way possible to to involved and help!
Related: Check out these five things mom and dad should talk about BEFORE becoming a stay at home parent – hash out the childcare opinions before fights happen!
Holding out our little baby like this where he could tip over? Not what I thought would work for his fussiness – turns out, the universal “dad airplane” helps with upset tummies! Involve dad in the feedings for baby!
I always suggest using a bottle if at all possible so that dad can show your baby that he also provides nourishment and comfort!
If you’re breastfeeding, try to pump the side baby is not using (manual breast pumps are perfect for this) so that you can collect a little extra breastmilk for bottle feeding!
It was seriously amazing seeing my son take a bottle from my husband, especially the way my son looked right in his eyes and was able to fully relax with him!
If bottles aren’t an option though, just having dad in the area where baby can see him can be helpful!
The first bottle my son took, and it was from his dad! Have dad babywear
Baby wearing is not only convenient for you, but really seems to help babies relax and calm down!
As soon as possible after baby is born, have your partner carry your baby in a carrier of some sort so that she can get used to the smell and feeling of being around dad!
Baby wearing allows for awesome closness, comfort through movement, and exposure to lots of dad’s voice! My husband wore all 3 of our kids ALOT (and had fun with it – notice the identical expression :P)Accompany your partner with things like nap time and play time to help your baby get used to dad being great too!
I really think that babies look to us moms for ques about the situation, and I’ve found alot of success in just doing things together in front of our baby to show that dad is trustworthy and helpful too1
At nap time, ask dad to come with you so that you can both read a book (even if your baby has to sit in your lap while dad reads because she refuses to sit in his) or sing songs!
Get on the floor and play with your baby together too!
It might take some time, but if your baby sees that dad is someone who can also play and help, while still having you around for comfort, they will eventually warm up to dad doing it by himself!
Here’s a handy list of more ways for dad to bond in the everyday things with your baby!
Our girls were on oxygen for awhile after they were born, so we bonded with them as much as posisble since wearing them was incredibly difficult with all the associated monitors, tanks and wires. Have dad take the baby on walks to exciting new places
I feel like if there’s something distracting going on, like being somewhere really cool and new (even little babies notice this, even if it’s just outside in your neighborhood!) they aren’t as focused on the fact that it’s dad taking them and not mom.
You could even make a routine of it – after your partner comes home from work, have him baby wear (BEST option) or at least ptu the baby in a stroller and take a walk around the neighborhood!
Your baby will get a kick out of going somewhere and see that dad can be fun!
BONUS: You get a break, and your baby learns that even if you’re not there sometimes, you will always come back!
Related: If there’s more than one kiddo for dad to take out and bond with, check out this guide to how I have made it out with my three under three!
While you don’t have to go this extreme (though our kids loved it!) a simple walk around the neighborhood for some one on one time with dad is good! Have dad sleep with some beloved toys (or even the cribsheet) to help your baby get used to his smell
I used this trick when I was trying to get my baby to sleep in his own bed, and again with my twins!
While I only did the cribsheet trick myself (just sleep with the crib sheet, then put it on their bed the next day), I did let my twins play on hubbys sweater and such while I watched!
While I can’t say for sure that it helped, they did seem to not be as alarmed if he held them when they were super young!
Alternatively, if that doesn’t work, have dad use the same soap as you!
It would be best for your baby to get used to dad’s natural smell, but if you’re desperate, I’ve seen a couple women try this trick and it worked!
Just have dad use your body wash, shampoo and conditioner so that his smell is way more familiar to your baby!
This might make it easier to try and bond with your baby since she won’t immediately freak out when dad picks her up!
Leave for a couple of hours so that dad can be dad without interference!
Even if you’re trying your best to let dad handle it, you might instinctivley jump in and unintentionally rob dad of this precious bonding and learning time.
Not only that, but it can feel almost intimidating to try and do things when someone else is watching (and possibly judging!)
My husband is great in that I get “me time” a couple times a week in my office, however I can hear everything that goes on outside of it.
When I hear crying, I instinctively want to help him!
As he has pointed out though, that sort of shows that I doubt that he can handle the situation, and it doesn’t really leave time for him to figure out what works for HIM when soothing the babies!
When you’re gone, not only does he now have this chance, but your baby won’t smell you (and I swear, they can smell you even from the other side of the house) and so might be more likely to accept help from dad since they know you’re not there!
Related: Use that time away for some much needed self care to beat mom burn out!
One of the very first times I decided to attend an out of the home event at night, and therefor miss bedtime! I was crazy nervous, but I should not have been because I know my husband can handle it (without me nitpicking how he’s doing it or being a backseat parent!)Encourage patience when it comes to baby warming up to him
In fact, check out this thread on baby center to show him that this is a REALLY common thing, and that it’s not just him “messing up” or not being there enough!
Alot of approaches will take time, and it can be pretty rough to keep trying after a week of the same crying response.
But just know this – all 3 of my kids only wanted me at first, and they are all getting there!
My son, 3 1/2 now, is totally a daddy’s guy, and doesn’t think twice about me when he goes somewhere!
My 18 month olds will be fine with my hubby for most things, and have been this way for quite a while! The only time they really need me is if they get hurt now!
BOTH of you should keep calm – babies pick up on it!
Ever had a rough day, then your baby has one too and you wonder why in the world does it all have to snowball?
Babies DEFINITELY can sense frustration, nervousness etc – so if you’re leaving for work or just to the other room it’s important to be confident and calm!
Don’t spend forever telling dad everything, acting nervous etc – trust that your partner is a competent person, and show that confidence when it’s time for dad to take over!
This is especially true for dads – if he repeatedly says in frustration “She only wants you anyways” or “why bother” then your baby will pick up on that frustration and feel nervous!
Talk positively about dad during the day to day routine
This might not be as applicable for super young babies, but by talking about your partner through out the day, I feel like this creates a positive association!
It’s very important to talk POSITIVELY about him (even if you’re in some small spat).
AKA no “I see dad just does nothing when he comes home and leaves it all for me!”
“Maybe if dad helped once in a while at night I wouldn’t be too exhausted to do anything with you” etc… don’t do it1
If your baby senses that you get anxious and frustrated when dad comes up, it’s only natural they will carry those feelings over to when they see him!
What have you done to help your partner bond with the baby?
Help some mamas out with other tips you found that worked to help your baby bond with and get used to your partner!
Stacy Bressler is an avid outdoorswoman, wife, and mother of three who lives in Jackson, Wyoming. She loves all things camping and enjoys sharing helpful tips, fun activities and laughable learning experiences she finds along the way! Navigating the outdoor life through the lens of humor and positivity, she chronicles it all on her website "The Crazy Outdoor Mama"
Latest posts by Stacy Bressler (see all)
Sharing is Caring!
Baby Cries When Dad Holds Her (With Practical Ways To Fix It!)
As a mother, you probably love having a baby who snuggles and wants to stay close to you. But every mom needs a break, even just to take a shower or do errands. But what do you do when your baby cries whenever dad holds her?
It’s not uncommon for babies to prefer to stay with mom instead of going to their loving aunts, uncles, grandparents, or even dad. If your baby cries whenever dad holds them, it’s likely to be a temporary problem. To develop the father-baby bond, share feeding duties, use scent cues, experiment with different times, and focus on physical contact.
Keep reading to find out why babies tend to prefer mom over anyone else, what it takes to create a bond between dad and baby, and ways to get your baby to stop crying when dad holds her.
Table of Contents
Why do babies cry when Dad holds them?
The most important thing to know is that babies don’t typically cry because they don’t want Dad – it’s really that they want to stay close to Mom.
Babies cry because they want what is most familiar and comfortable, and often, that is Mom. There are some scientific reasons why babies prefer Mom over Dad or other caregivers, including early bonding in utero, pheromones, and lack of object permanence. It is totally normal for newborns to prefer Mom over Dad.
Usually, babies who cry with Dad will also cry with grandparents, babysitters, siblings, or other caregivers. It is so essential for Dad not to take your baby’s reluctance personally – it’s nature’s way of helping babies feel safe.
With a little help, they can learn to feel safe with Dad, too!
Why do babies cry when someone new holds them?
Babies can hear and smell in the third trimester, and often the mother is the primary caregiver in the first moments after birth, so babies tend to latch onto their mothers immediately.
Additionally, because she hasn’t developed object permanence when a baby doesn’t see her mother, she thinks Mom is gone and not coming back, which causes great anxiety. Fortunately, object permanence develops somewhere between 4 and 8 months of age, so babies will soon learn that being handed to Dad doesn’t mean Mom is leaving forever.
Because babies are hard-wired to prefer Mom, they will likely cry when others try to hold them. They are super attached to Mom from the womb and don’t realize that when she leaves, she will come back. Helping babies trust other caregivers, including Dad, may take some effort.
A baby’s instinct to stay close to Mom is very strong., but with practice and training, your baby will learn that Dad is a safe and loving caregiver.
Will my baby ever get attached to Dad?
Since your baby is wired to prefer you as her caregiver, you might think it easier to just take care of things yourself. However, it is important for your baby to attach to Dad, too, as there are many benefits of father-baby bonding, including improved mental and physical health for the baby and less stress for Mom and Dad.
If you and Dad put in the time and effort, she will bond with him and ultimately accept him as a caregiver and loving parent. It is good to start the attachment process sooner rather than later, but even if your older baby cries with Dad, it is never too late to start.
Here are some suggestions to help with the Dad-baby bonding process!
How to get your baby to stop crying when dad holds her
From personal experience, I know how frustrating it can be when your baby only wants you. It can also be upsetting to Dad when the baby cries every time he holds her.
After lots of research, I have discovered some tried-and-true tricks for helping your baby bond with her Dad so they can enjoy their time together and you can take a much-needed break.
These are the best ways to get babies to stop crying when Dad is holding them:
Plan ahead and practice
Share feeding duties
Use scent cues
Try different times
Try close physical contact
Plan ahead and practice
If you want your baby to bond with Dad and stop crying when he holds her, it is a good idea to make a plan and practice often.
Whether you decide to focus on scent cues, timing, babywearing, or any other technique to improve attachment, it is important to be consistent and follow through.
Start small, with Dad taking the baby for just a few minutes at a time with you nearby, where the baby can see and smell you. Frequent practice will help the baby trust both parents and allow for more interaction with Dad.
Share feeding duties
One of the primary reasons baby bonds early and strongly with Mom is that she is typically the source of food.
Both breastfed and bottle-fed babies learn early on that Mom most often provides comfort in the form of milk. If you want your baby to bond with Dad, start involving him in the feeding process.
If you are breastfeeding, Dad can sit nearby, talking softly and maybe placing a hand on the baby to build an association between him and the comfort of feeding. If you are bottle-feeding, reverse roles, with him holding the bottle and baby while you sit and provide comfort and reassurance.
Use scent cues
Studies have shown that even in the first few days after birth, a baby can recognize her mother’s scent.
Since Mom is associated with food and comfort, your baby may calm just by smelling your scent. If you want Dad to hold the baby without her crying, try working with scents to comfort her.
Have Dad wear one of your clothing items or use a blanket you sleep with. Or, if you really want to take things gradually, use something with Dad’s scent on it when you feed your baby or hold her so she can get used to his smell and associate it with comfort.
Try different times
Often, fathers who work outside the home may return home in the evening. Unfortunately, this may coincide with the dreaded witching hour for babies, the time of day when they become most fussy.
If you are home with your baby during the day, you may be tempted to hand her off to Dad when he arrives home. However, this is probably not ideal if it is your baby’s fussy time.
Focus on promoting fun and laughter with Dad to make a positive association.
Try having Dad get up with your baby in the early morning and do an early feeding. Or have him play with the baby when she is happy and alert. If weekends are best, Dad could take the baby on a walk in the stroller or take her to visit a friend.
Use close physical contact
The benefits of skin-to-skin contact are well-documented.
While it is great to begin in the newborn stage, even older babies will enjoy lying skin-to-skin on Dad’s chest. Simply have Dad remove his shirt and have the baby in just a diaper, and allow them to lie together. Use a blanket if it is chilly! Again, start with just a few minutes if needed, and increase as your baby learns to enjoy the time with Dad.
If skin-to-skin doesn’t work because your baby is older and more active, another option for close physical contact is babywearing. There are lots of benefits of babywearing, including freeing up your hands, but one of the greatest benefits is the bonding that babywearing provides.
Dad can use a sling like the Moby to keep infants close around the house, while he may want to use a more structured carrier for adventures with older babies, like the Tula or Ergobaby.
Whatever techniques you use or combine, rest assured that your baby will bond with Dad and will not always cry when he holds her. It may take some time and patience, but if you plan and practice and implement some strategies, your baby and her Dad will form a strong attachment.
Relationship between dad and baby
Quite often, young mothers are interested in the relationship between the child and the father, and more specifically, how to establish the relationship between the father and the child, how can it be strengthened, how to make the father devote more time to the child, while not by request, but by choice.
The question is not very simple, and it is simply impossible to give an unambiguous answer to it. After all, we all know that you cannot force a person to experience certain feelings, you cannot force him to love. And it is almost impossible to influence the feelings of another person, even if he is a child or a husband. You can't strengthen a bond if it doesn't exist and make the person feel the way you feel. However, this does not mean at all that nothing can be changed.
And yet one should not expect something grandiose from a person, a person cannot change if he simply does not have the desire to change something.
Perhaps the most important thing to do in the first place is simply not to interfere. Quite often, mothers often interfere with the communication of the father with the child. It shows up in almost everything. Moms not only do not involve dad in helping to care for the baby, which still contributes to the birth and strengthening of the connection, but even remove him. This does not mean at all that mom thinks that dad will do everything badly, but rather mom will simply be calmer if she does all this herself. Mom is well aware that if the baby cries from dad, then she will cry in the same way, but still she diligently takes the baby away from the father, sometimes not even with hidden displeasure. With the advent of a baby in the house, the mother begins to criticize absolutely all the actions of other family members in relation to the child, so the desire to do something disappears, which is quite natural. Therefore, if you begin to notice that your hands are constantly reaching out to the baby, or you are about to say something, control your movements! It is worth giving dad the opportunity to gain invaluable experience, to establish a connection with the baby.
As we know, relationships between people always arise through communication, when people spend time together. It is the same with parents, love at first sight is not always possible (this does not apply to relationships between a man and a woman). However, the mother wins this battle somewhat, because she had a connection with the child even before birth, there was communication, joint pastime. And yet, most mothers note that such feelings that were before the birth of a child cannot be compared with those that appeared after, when the mother saw and met her child, spent time together. Dad's case is completely different. He has no contact with the child before birth, even joint birth is not what birth itself is for mom. The connection with the father of the child occurs only after birth, and then it takes time, communication, care for the baby.
It has long been proven that in order for feelings to arise, to become stronger and more significant, care, responsibility for the baby, and attention play a very important role. Without these moments, only superficial relationships are possible, which mostly pass over time. And it is very important to organize life in such a way as not to remove the father from caring for the child, but also to actively involve him. Responsibility is very important in relationships. Therefore, it is very important that you always consult with your husband, ask his opinion when making a decision, especially when it comes to issues in relation to a child. Quite often, mothers note that the father does not always behave correctly with the child, does not do something well enough, does not pay enough attention, is not so interested. This does not mean at all that dad is doing something bad, he just shows interest in a slightly different way, shows care and attention in a different way, establishes contact with the baby in a different way. And if for the mother such behavior may seem incomprehensible, then the child reacts quite normally to this. In no case should you be afraid to leave the father and the child alone, to give them the opportunity to establish contact.
Now about the interest in communication, specifically about this, and not about the need to provide care, and so on. Speaking absolutely honestly, and being honest with yourself, it is rare for a mother to say that she is interested in walking in the sandbox every day, or reading the same book for the fifth time. It is unlikely that the daily "Groundhog Day" can be of interest to anyone. Of course, in all this cycle there are certain moments when something new happens, some kind of progress in the child. And it is quite natural that many mothers really play with the baby with interest at first, and for the rest they simply devote time to the baby without irritation. First of all, the pleasure of communicating with a child occurs precisely because he exists, that there is such a sweet creature, so dear and beloved. Dads, on the other hand, are arranged a little differently, and if you set yourself the task of making it interesting for dad to spend time with a child, you don’t have to wait until the child grows up. This is fundamentally not the right answer, as well as the wrong task in principle. If there is no interest in a year, it will not appear at four, and at six the same way. Where does he come from, and such things do not happen spontaneously. And if there is already some kind of trend in relationships, then it is extremely difficult to break it later. There is no need to set a task so that dad is interested in collecting a pyramid, or reading a book to a baby. He's an adult and understands what's what. It is better not to interfere with his leisure time in the way he is interested. Dad can read some magazines about cars to the kid, collect something unusual from the designer, or even play online games with the child on his lap. You should not stop such games very harshly. If the father is well, and the child is cheerful - it's wonderful. By the way, moms should do the same. You should not make it so that the world revolves only around the child, you do not need to do it in such a way as to constantly look for exciting activities for the baby. Sometimes it is worth doing what is interesting to you, let the child just observe, and simply adapt to the fact that there are other people around, with their own interests and their own desires.
Submit an idea or show by your own example that important things can be done with a child. For example, what does it cost for dad to put on a kangaroo and drive with the child to the car market, or go to a meeting with friends, or arrange a photo shoot, whatever. We just have some stereotypes about what can and cannot be done with a child, and basically these stereotypes are much stronger in men. It remains for you to help dad break these stereotypes and carefully fit the child into the usual life of your family.
And one more important fact - the better the relationship in the family between husband and wife, the better the father's relationship with the baby will be. And in no case do not forget about relationships in the family, about their development and maintenance. And some things dad will do just because you asked, for your own sake. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just love.
Good luck and harmony in the family! Psychologist, Maria Surygina http://tehhi-karamir.livejournal.com
Father's role in the family: a psychologist answered the most important questions about dads on the first Father's Day in Russia | 59.ru
No one can give a child such support as a father
Photo: Alexander Chernykh
Today, October 17, Father's Day is officially celebrated in Russia for the first time. This is significant - dads in society are gradually recognized not as a secondary figure in the life of a child, but as an independent parent. Psychologists also note this: fathers began to turn more often for advice on upbringing, moreover, they even grasp the essence better than mothers. NGS24.RU correspondent Kadriya Kattsina, in a conversation with clinical psychologist Olga Dolganina, found out why a dad who does not take care of a child is a road to nowhere .
— What role does a father play in a child's life? Its functions are not limited to material support, are they?
— I wouldn't make a distinction between moms and dads. Both parents give support and affection - this is the key to the success of the child in the future. Fathers, of course, give a sense of security: the child knows that everything will be fine with him, the world is stable and predictable. A father for a child is also an example of what a family should be like, an understanding of the male and female roles in the family - what a father is like and how he treats his mother.
A father is the key to a child's future success
Photo: Andrey Zatirko / NGS24.RU
— Many families practice separation of duties: father earns money, mother takes care of upbringing.
- This is definitely a path that leads nowhere. As a result, it will turn out that the daughter will begin to look for a cold partner, whose attention she will seek all the time. In the case of a boy, it will be the same relationship with his partner, the same neglect, disrespectful attitude towards his mother. This will not happen in 100% of cases, but this is some predisposition. There are cases when a boy sees a dismissive attitude towards his mother, decides for himself: “I don’t want that.” But people more often learn to imitate behavior - as a rule, a person repeats his father.
I recommend not dividing responsibilities and throwing off education only on mom, and earning money - only on dad. I advise you to mix: somewhere dad is with children, and mom is at work, combines, tries to work or takes care of herself - not necessarily work. Dad should have his own time with the child, which they will spend as they want. A dad who exists but does not take care of a child is not the best option for a child.
Everyone is better when dad is involved in parenting from the very birth of the baby
Photo: Kadriya Kattsina / NGS24.RU
— And if a father does not understand how he can spend time with his child, what are the recommendations?
- Not everyone is interested in sitting and rolling cars or playing with dolls, but you can offer your child a game that will be interesting to both. Here you can not take into account the fact that at the age of three with a child it is necessary to collect a pyramid, and at five - to solve a crossword puzzle. It can be a joint walk with the dog, cycling, even lying in bed. It will be enough to devote 20 minutes a day to the child, but so that the attention is one hundred percent. After that, you will have time to surf the Internet and watch TV. If such high-quality communication occurs daily, it will be more than enough.
Yes, adults want to relax after work, but it's important to understand that if you don't spend time on your child now, in the future you yourself will want attention from him. Sounds selfish, but it's a normal desire. Without building this bridge right away, even the most fragile and small, it will be much more difficult to do it in the future.
And one more recommendation: don't pay off with gifts. Instead of Lego or dolls, give children your attention, give them the right to freedom of choice, give them the right to make a mistake.
— What if there is no father in the family? Will it negatively affect the child?
- If there is no father in the family, it's not scary. An example for a child can be another male relative - grandfather, uncle. This is an example of how a man behaves: how he shows his emotions, how he treats women, children, and his work.
It happens that a mother and child move to another city where there is no one close to them, then the coach in the sports section takes on such a role - we sometimes recommend this. If the child is a boy, then everything is clear. If it’s a girl, then it’s more difficult: if there is no dad, grandfather, uncle, then in any case there is a mother’s attitude towards men, the attitude of men towards their mother – this attitude girls take with them into the future. If a mother says that men cannot be trusted, she cultivates such an attitude in her child.
Modern grandfathers are not far behind the most advanced dads and are famously coping with slings and ergo backpacks
Photo: Kadriya Kattsina / NGS24.RU
— What if there is a father, but he beats a child or mother?
- If the father allows violence - psychological or physical, then there is a high probability that the child will have depressive, anxiety episodes, panic disorders in the future. It's always a lottery with a minus sign. When they say that the absence of a father is a problem, then I can say that this is better than a father who allows violence. It will be harder for a grown child to work through these injuries. It’s easier later to learn to give love and care to yourself than to deal with the damage that the father caused to the children with his presence.
The results of proper communication with a child sometimes splash out on paper in the form of cute drawings
Photo: Kadriya Kattsina / NGS24.RU
— There are many families where mom and dad got divorced. Sunday dad is better than none?
— Of course, but such a relationship between fathers and children is also defective, because it is important for a child to see dad from different angles. Of course, if dad is not on the phone at the same time, but walking with the child, they do something together - this is even better than an angry dad comes home from work five days a week, has dinner and watches TV, not paying attention to his son or daughter . If it's a dad that's on, even if it's only two days a week, that's great. Then the child will grow up and decide that he himself would like to see his dad more.
— There are fathers who are afraid to show affection to their children. Especially to boys, they say, will grow up gay. Can you confirm or refute this conclusion?
- It has been proven that our sexual orientation depends on genetic prerequisites, and not on us. This is the father’s belief about the manifestation of emotions: “If I hug him, then he will hug all the boys” - no, in fact this is not so. If you hug and support your child, his life will become more peaceful, your child's quality of life will improve.
Cuddling with dads is good for both boys and girls
Photo: Andrey Zatirko / NGS24.RU
hugging yourself. If the father has convictions about this, it is hard for him. Perhaps he has trauma from childhood. This is from the category of "I was beaten and I grew up as a normal person." But we cannot talk about how he would have grown up if he had not been beaten.
By the way, from the point of view of science, avoiding the manifestation of positive feelings, just like physical punishment, affects the child's brain negatively. Such children have a low level of intelligence and emotional intelligence. If you think that by punishing a child or not showing him positive feelings, you contribute to his upbringing and development, then you are deeply mistaken. You only harm him, it is ineffective.
- How then to deal with a child who does unacceptable things - fights or steals?
- Education is a scheme. Dads, by the way, get to grasp it faster than moms.
First, you tell the child that his behavior is unacceptable: "it's not accepted in our family" or "we don't fight." If he stole something, tell him that it is illegal and unacceptable for his behavior.
Second, share your concerns with your child: “I'm worried about your behavior”, “I'm scared”, “I'm afraid of what will happen next”.
Third, ask the child not to do it again: “please don't do it again.” But do not expect the child to understand the first, second or third time. Even adults do not understand the first time. You have to be literally parrots and repeat it over and over again.
Dad will always support, it's not scary with him
Photo: Kadriya Kattsina / NGS24.RU
— And not to punish at all?
- We don't say "punishment", we say "negative reinforcement". If the child continues to commit some unacceptable act, it is necessary to determine the sanctions, that is, to indicate what the child will be if he continues. For example, “you won’t have a phone for the next two days, unfortunately, this is a fact.” It is important that the negative reinforcement is understandable. If you say “you will be without a phone for a month”, and then give up after three days, this is incomprehensible. Limit the use of the gadget for a day - this is just for execution.
The key point is that do not evaluate the whole child, evaluate only the deed. Dads do it better than moms too. Do not show a negative attitude, do not stop showing the child that you love him. When we violate the parking rules and we are fined, the inspector does not go to us offended. It is very important for a child to know that he is accepted, despite his actions. Acceptance does not mean consent. Wrong behavior can be corrected with effort.
Dads evaluate not children, but only actions, and this is what bribes
Photo: Andrey Zatirko / NGS24.RU
— If we are talking about the equality of parents, then why do psychologists say that fathers cope with upbringing better? This is somehow strange, considering that mothers jump at every squeak of the baby.
Time for a child can be found anytime and anywhere, the main thing is to understand why it is needed
Photo: Kadriya Kattsina / NGS24.RU
— Let's go into biology and consider how parents behave. Raises offspring, at least the first six months, just like a female. A woman has a larger area of empathy in her brain than a man. This allows her to understand why the child is crying - from pain or from hunger. The father does not hear this, he cannot distinguish between types of crying, for him the baby just yells. Mom is fast asleep. Dad can collapse on the bed and not even wake up if the baby is crying. He has nothing to do with it, this does not mean that he does not care. It is mothers after childbirth who hear every breath of the child so much that it even prevents them from falling asleep.
At the start, the biological abilities of mothers and fathers are different.