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Want a baby but scared of pregnancy


What to Do If You Want Kids but Fear Pregnancy, Childbirth

  • "Tokophobia," a fear of pregnancy, can lead to worse birth outcomes or prevent people from fulfilling life dreams.
  • Working through your fears with a professional can help you feel more prepared and less afraid.
  • Pregnant with questions? Submit your question to Anna anonymously here for nonjudgmental answers.
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Dear Anna,

Ever since I witnessed my nephew's birth at age 16, I've been terrified of pregnancy and labor. The delivery was quite the ordeal: The mom's water broke before she got to the hospital, and she didn't have time for an epidural. She developed preeclampsia. They did an episiotomy and used forceps to pull the baby out.

I recognize this is not what happens with every birth, but it was the one I was introduced to and I can't unsee it.

Now I'm in my mid-30s, newly married, and eager to start a family. I love kids and don't worry about actual parenting. But the idea of pregnancy and birth disgust me. I'd consider adoption if it wasn't so darn expensive. What can I do? 

— Beth, Baltimore 

Dear Beth, 

That does sound like a traumatic introduction to childbirth, no wonder you're still shaken. Your brain is just doing its job to protect you against something it's perceived as threatening. Can you blame it? 

Plus, as Maryland-based therapist Melissa Weinberg told me, it's understandable to be afraid of something full of unknowns, historically dangerous (and still more risky among people of color), painful, and uncomfortable.  

But people don't often air these fears because, sadly, there can be a lot of shame around not feeling enthusiastic about something society makes us believe "should" come naturally, said Weinberg, who specializes in anxiety and wrote about the fear of pregnancy and childbirth for Psychology Today. 

In reality, research suggests anywhere between 20% and 78% of pregnant women have some fears or anxiety around pregnancy and childbirth. And in non-pregnant women, one study showed 13% said fears were strong enough for them to delay or avoid pregnancy altogether. 

But "the more you avoid [facing your fears,]" Weinberg said, "the more you reinforce them." So let's start facing yours now. 

This fear,

also known as tokophobia, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy

A fear of childbirth is sometimes called tokophobia, or it can be appear as depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder in cases where it is triggered by a traumatic event like an earlier life-threatening childbirth experience.

It can also look like OCD, Weinberg said, where people avoid sex and compulsively try to reassure themselves they're not pregnant.  

Some of the common fears she hears among clients with some level of tokophobia is that they won't be able to handle pregnancy, especially the discomfort and body changes. "They often feel disgusted by the idea of something growing inside them and hate the idea of being trapped and out of control," Weinberg said. Some may even feel appalled just watching a TV show with a pregnant character. 

Some clients ruminate on all that could go wrong, and some experience physiological reactions like shortness of breath and an increased heart rate just thinking about it.  

If you don't address the fear before becoming pregnant, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy: A fear of pregnancy and childbirth is linked to higher rates of emergency cesarean deliveries, induced and augmented labor, long labors, and postpartum depression. 

It can also prevent you from seeking necessary medical appointments, or to obsessively call your healthcare team. Not mention the toll it can take on your relationship. "If the partner of someone struggling with tokophobia is eager to have a baby, there can be fights, tensions, and resentment within the relationship," Weinberg said. 

Get help to learn how to manage your negative thoughts, without expecting them to totally vanish  

Weinberg recommends rallying a crew of family and friends who know how you're feeling and can be patient with you. Being open with a trusted healthcare provider is critical too, as they can put your specific fears into perspective and dispel misconceptions that may be fueling them. 

The more knowledgeable you are about pregnancy and childbirth, the less intimidating it becomes. 

Weinberg also suggests working with a therapist trained in acceptance and commitment therapy, which focuses on mindfulness and behavior change strategies, or exposure therapy, which is what it sounds like: facing your fears. 

"As you get more and more exposure to it, your anxiety diminishes," Lara Honos-Webb, a clinical psychologist in Walnut Creek, California, told me for a story on this topic back in 2016. There are even classes, she said, that require women to repeatedly imagine giving birth.

The key is to find a provider "who won't do too much co-ruminating or disputing of thoughts and worries, but help you practice getting some distance from your thoughts and making values-based decisions," Weinberg said. 

Finally, Weinberg said, don't expect your fears to vanish. "If you're waiting to be completely free of anxiety before trying to conceive, that's probably unrealistic. And that's OK." 

"It's much more reasonable and achievable to build skills like tolerance for discomfort and uncertainty and grounding yourself in the present than it is to make all your fears go away and feel 'ready,'" she said. "You can be afraid and still takes steps towards having the life you want." 

Senior health reporter Anna Medaris Miller is here to answer all of your questions about pregnancy— especially the ones you don't want to bring to your doctor or even friends. As a journalist covering women's health for more than a decade, she'll mine the research, consult a range of experts, and give you the key takeaways. Submit your question anonymously to Anna here. 

Fear of childbirth (tokophobia) | Tommy's

Tommy's PregnancyHub

Having some anxiety about giving birth is natural. But if you feel so afraid that you don’t want to do it, it’s important to ask for help.

I’m feeling anxious about giving birth. Is this normal?

You may feel a bit anxious about or afraid of giving birth. This is very common. Pregnancy and childbirth are major life events, so don’t be hard on yourself for having these feelings.

You may find it helpful to:

  • Tell your midwife how you feel. They may be able to reassure you.
  • Talk to someone you trust. This could be your partner, friend or family member.
  • Start thinking about how you want to give birth and make a birth plan. This can help you feel more organised and in control.
  • Find a local antenatal class. This will give you the opportunity to meet others in a similar situation and find out more about what happens in labour.
  • Try hypnobirthing. This may help you relax.
  • Try our tips for improving mental wellbeing in pregnancy to reduce stress.
  • You may come across people who are willing to share their birth stories before you even ask. It’s OK to ask them to stop if it’s not helpful.

Find out more about positive things to prepare for labour.

Tokophobia

It is rare, but some women are so afraid of giving birth that they don’t want to go through with it, even if they really want to have the baby. A severe fear of childbirth may also affect their decision on how to give birth to their baby. This is called Tokophobia and it can happen in any pregnancy. Some women have it in early adulthood or even as a teenager.

Women with a severe fear of childbirth often have depression or anxiety too.

It can be difficult for other people to understand how someone can be so frightened about something they see as ‘so natural’. But tokophobia is a mental health condition and women who have it need treatment and support.

What causes tokophobia?

Tokophobia can happen if you have:

  • a fear of childbirth in your family
  • heard frightening birth stories from people in your family
  • or have had an anxiety disorder
  • experienced sexual abuse, assault or rape
  • had gynaecological problems (problems with the female reproductive organs).

“I always knew I would struggle being pregnant because I have a massive fear of childbirth. It comes from being sexually abused as a child, so things like smear tests are always very traumatic for me.”  Julie, mum of one, read her full story.

Some women have a severe fear of childbirth because they have had a traumatic birth experience. In this case, they may have post-traumatic stress disorder. This is a different condition to tokophobia and needs different treatment.

What should I do if I’m afraid of childbirth?

Tell your midwife or doctor about your fears, as early in your pregnancy as possible. They should refer you to a mental health specialist for pregnant women. Ideally, this should be someone with experience of childbirth fears.

You should be given advice on how to cope with your feelings of fear and any other symptoms you may have. You may also be offered cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).

Your specialist should also discuss your options for giving birth that may help lessen your fears.

If you have a fear of childbirth due to post-traumatic stress disorder you may be offered eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EDMR). This a therapy that uses eye movements to dampen the power of the memories and the emotions linked to them.

Make a wellbeing plan

Our online Wellbeing Plan is a tool that helps you start thinking about how you feel and what support you might need in your pregnancy and after the birth.

You can use it to help you talk to your partner, family, friends or midwife about how you are feeling.

Requesting a planned caesarean section

If you feel like your treatment isn’t working, talk to your midwife or doctor about having a planned caesarean section. They will discuss the risks and benefits of having a caesarean compared to a vaginal birth.

The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence states that you should be offered a planned caesarean section if you have had treatment and support but are still too afraid to have a vaginal birth. If an obstetrician is unwilling to perform a caesarean section you should be referred to one who will.

'I wrote a short explanation of my anxiety, its triggers and how people could help me manage it, and asked any new medical staff to read it before dealing with me.' Paula, read her full story.

More information and support

  • Anxiety UK
  • No Panic
  • The National Association for People Abused in Childhood
  • Rape Crisis

Review dates

Reviewed: 22 February 2019

Next review: 22 February 2022


This content is currently being reviewed by our team. Updated information will be coming soon.

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How to cope with the fear of childbirth - advice from an obstetrician-gynecologist

Pregnancy is an exciting and important stage in a woman's life. And you need to prepare for it - both physically and emotionally. However, often due to fear of the birth process itself, the conception of a child is delayed. How to overcome anxiety, obstetrician-gynecologist Olga Vlasenko answers.

Question. My husband and I want a baby, but I'm afraid to give birth. Just the thought of it makes me panic and terrified. I am also very sensitive to pain and afraid of blood. What to do?

Answer. Fear of childbirth is a rather delicate and complex topic for many women, but, fortunately, in the conditions of modern medicine, it is easily solved.

Before planning a pregnancy, I would advise you to contact a perinatal psychologist. He will answer all the exciting questions and, most importantly, will work through the fears. This will already seriously facilitate you during the upcoming period.

During the pregnancy itself, attending special courses will not be superfluous. Thanks to them, you will understand how childbirth occurs, what a woman feels during this period, and so on. The fears that arise at the stage of gestation will pass - you will become more confident, you will learn all the nuances: when more serious contractions begin, what should be done at the time of their onset, how you can help yourself.

At the same time, choose an obstetrician to accompany you during your birth. Get to know him in advance and, being already pregnant, discuss all the points that concern you. Explain that you are very sensitive, afraid of pain and you need the most comfortable conditions for childbirth.

In general, epidural anesthesia is often used in such cases, and this is what the doctor can suggest. You should not be afraid of it, it is safe, and most importantly, there are no serious consequences. Unless there is a possibility of a headache on the third day after childbirth. In addition, you can choose a convenient method of administering this drug and even the dosage yourself (but this is discussed on the spot with the anesthesiologist during childbirth). The doctor and obstetrician can also help you find a good anesthesiologist - discuss all the details with him in advance - and there will most likely be no problems with the introduction of epidural anesthesia.

As for the generic process itself, you don't have to watch it. You definitely won't see blood, so don't worry about it.

Thus, the main thing is to have a reliable team nearby, which consists of a perinatal psychologist, an obstetrician, an anesthesiologist and a specialist from courses for preparing for childbirth. These people will help you go through all the stages - from conception to birth.

Ask your question to Mel, and the editors will find someone who can answer it. Write to our social networks - we read all messages on the pages on Facebook, VKontakte and Odnoklassniki. You can also write to us on Instagram. Answers will be published in order of priority in the "Question - Answer" section. By the way, we do not disclose names, so questions can be anything (feel free!).

For help in preparing the material, we thank our intern Daria Lushkina. Photo on the cover: Shutterstock / Pixieme

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