How to tell your child you are getting a divorce
Telling Your Kids About Your Separation or Divorce
What to Say and Not to Stay When Telling Your Kids
What is the best way to tell your kids you’re getting divorced or separated? If possible, you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse should have a conversation concerning when you want to tell the kids as well as what you plan to tell them. You may even consider having the conversation with them together, presenting a united front—as this can help reinforce that you are still a family. Even if you cannot have a conversation with them together, discussing what you plan to share is important.
When you have the conversation with your child, you should:
- Tell them the truth. While you are entitled to your privacy, they will likely want to know why you are divorcing. Giving them a brief, age-appropriate answer can help clarify the situation.
- Remind them that you love them. Your children, especially those that are younger, need this reassurance.
Without this reminder, they may fear that you can or have fallen out of love with them as well.
- Prepare them for changes. Things will be different; explain what exactly will be different and how so they won’t feel completely blindsided when confronted with change.
- Point out what won’t change. While your routines and norms will change, some things may not change. If dad is still doing bath time or mom is still doing after-school pickups, point out the unchanging routines.
- Listen. Leave space and time for your children to express their emotions and react to the news. If they do not have the words for their feelings, you can help them and encourage them to talk out what they are feeling.
- Avoid placing blame. As we said, being a united front is important, and even if you can’t be united, you should show some restraint when discussing the other party. That is still their parent and placing blame can impact your child more so than the other parent.
- Avoid arguing. Arguing can make your child feel like they have to choose sides, act as a mediator, and/or isolate.
How Much Information Is Too Much Information?
There’s no exact answer to how much or how little you should share with your children concerning your divorce. In planning how and what you will share, you should be age aware. Your child’s development age and maturity level can impact how much information and detail they can handle. Here are some age-based considerations that may influence how much you tell them.
- Young children may not fully grasp the finality of the situation and their parent’s ability to still love them if they fell out of love with each other. When you break the news to them, you should incorporate language that reinforces that this is permanent and that reminds them that your love for them for constant and unchanged.
- Grade-school children may not understand that they are not to blame; they can also struggle with fantasies of reconciliation and processing their emotions.
When you tell them you are getting divorced, clearly express your emotions (i.e. sorrow, loss of control, frustration, etc.) so that they have an example of how to process their emotions aloud. You may also consider discussing coping strategies that you use or have heard of that help you express your emotions (outside of voicing them). - Teens may struggle against parental authority because of feelings of resentment or frustration. In telling them of your divorce, you should remind them that you don’t want to hide or suppress their emotions, and you should set boundaries for what behaviors and forms of expression will and won’t be accepted.
- Adult children may not be able to maintain healthy boundaries with their parents concerning what they are willing to discuss, and they may not struggle to trust their happy childhood memories. When you tell them, try to avoid oversharing negative details or problems that have been persistent for years, and don’t tarnish any of their old memories.
Additional Considerations for Adult Children
Be sensitive to the feelings of your adult children. Even though you do not have to worry about child custody or visitation if they are adults, you should still worry about their emotional health during and after your divorce.
Adult children can struggle with their parents’ divorce just as much as minor children—if not more. You may have been together for their entire lives, and even if you weren’t, your separation can impact their:
- Sense of normalcy and control
- Worldview concerning relationships and romance
- Views of the past, especially their childhood
- View of their relationship with their parents (if they feel like you’ve been lying to them)
- Emotional and mental health
Getting Divorced? Get Legal Help.
At William Kirby Law, Family Law Attorneys, we exclusively practice family law, and our legal team is dedicated to helping families navigate this tough season of their lives as efficiently and peacefully as possible.
We have offices in New Jersey (Moorestown) and Pennsylvania (Philadelphia), and we are here to help you file for divorce, prepare for divorce mediation, or handle divorce-related matters, such as child custody, child support, and spousal support.
To learn more about our services or schedule a consultation, contact us online or at (215) 515-9901 today.
How to Tell Your Kids You’re Getting a Separation or Divorce
One of the most difficult, painful conversations you'll ever face is talking to your kids about your plan to divorce. When you know that you will be separating or divorcing, it’s important to talk to your kids before they hear it from someone else. Imagine how upsetting it would be to hear it from a friend or another adult! Children will probably remember this conversation, what you say, when and where they hear it. It would be best to work with your spouse to decide how you will inform them.
Plan together and agree on what you'll say.
Source: Burst/Pexels
1.
Plan what you will say.
Protect your kids from your hurt or anger by planning (together) when, how, and what you will tell your kids. Plan to tell them on a day that allows for some family time, like a weekend. Don’t do it on a holiday or other special day, or just before school or bedtime. If it’s extremely difficult for you to speak with your spouse, or you can't agree on how you will do it, consider using the services of a mediator, divorce coach, or counselor to help you work out the details. Don’t blurt it out impulsively in an emotional moment. That definitely won’t go well!
2. Talk to your children together.
This might be hard, but it lets your kids know that you’re committed to working together as their parents. It’s also important that your children hear this news at the same time and directly from mom and dad; not from the sibling who heard it first. So if your kids are different ages, plan to share the basic information with all your kids together.
Later you can follow-up with the older children during a separate conversation. If you can’t do it together because you are concerned about safety or conflict, then seek help in developing your plan.
3. Develop a non-blaming narrative.
Avoid the temptation to assign blame or say whose “fault” this is. You may feel that you want your children to know the “truth”—“Mom had an affair,” or “Dad is leaving us.” This will cause your children to feel caught in the middle, in a loyalty bind, and that isn’t healthy for them. The “truth” is less important than providing the support and reassurance that your children need. To the extent that you can, use the “we” word when you’re explaining the decisions that have been made. “We aren’t happy together,” or “We both want our arguing to stop,” or “We have tried to work out our differences, but we haven’t been able to.”
4. Tell your kids why this is happening.
It is not important, or even appropriate, that you provide specific details about why you are planning a divorce.
However, your kids will want to know why this is happening. Older kids will press for information so that they can understand why their lives are going to change. So while you don’t want to share details of a personal nature, be prepared to give some type of general explanation without blame. “We hoped this would never happen but we can’t seem to fix our relationship.” “We both want different things in our lives.” “We like each other and want to be friends, but we don’t love each other anymore.” Remember that these are grown-up problems that your kids, even smart and mature kids, can't understand yet.
If you have a plan or a schedule, share it with your kids now. If not, that's okay too.
Source: Bich Tran/Pexels
5. Tell your kids what will change and what will stay the same.
The most important thing kids want to know is how your divorce is going to affect their lives. Your kids will want to know where they’re going to live, with whom, and what about their lives is going to change.
You can help your children to be prepared for these changes by being honest about what you know, and what you don’t know. If you and your spouse have settled on how you will share time with the kids, let them know the schedule. Reassure them about the things that will stay the same: their school, or friends, or sports, or other activities. Be sure to let them know that your love for them will never change. "Parents can divorce each other but they never divorce their kids."
6. Tell your kids which parent will leave the home.
Unless you plan to nest, the more you can tell your kids about where the departing parent will be living and when they will be seeing him or her, the better. They’ll need to know, right away, that they will be able to maintain a quality relationship with both parents, even though they won’t be living under the same roof. “We are still a family, under two roofs.”
7. Reassurance is the key.
Your children will need lots of reassurance that the divorce is not their fault.
Stress that nothing they did could have caused—or prevented—what is happening. Since there are a lot of unknowns at the start of a separation, don’t make promises you may not be able to keep. Don't promise that you'll never have to move, or that they will still go to sleep-away camp in the summer, unless you are certain. Instead, stick with the assurances you can make for the present time: “You will still go to your school,” or “You’ll still have Christmas and birthdays and sleepovers with your friends.” Reassure them that it may be hard for a while but that "We will all be okay after we get used to the new arrangements."
Whatever feelings your kids have—they're all normal.
Source: burak kostak/Pexels
8. Your kids’ reactions are completely normal.
The news may (or may not) be completely unexpected and will certainly change their lives. Try to be as understanding of no reaction—which is actually a reaction—as you would be if they were in tears or extremely angry.
9. Invite their questions (but don’t pressure).
Some kids don’t want to talk right away. Others will have many questions. To the extent that you can, be honest and clear in your responses. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell them that you’ll let them know when you figure things out. This conversation is just the first, and it will unfold in many ways over time.
Let them know that they can always ask new questions when they arise. But be sure to keep them out of the legal and financial issues as you move toward divorce.
10. Give them time to adjust to the news.
It will take time for you and your children to adjust to this huge change, and while you may be confident in the future you envision for them, it will take some time for them to see that future play out. In the meantime, be emotionally present and reassuring. Modeling your own healing and recovery over time will help them adapt and heal too.
Adapted from various sources by Ann Buscho, Ph.D., a divorce coach and psychologist in San Rafael, CA.
For more information, read “What Should We Tell the Children?” by Joan Kelly, Ph.D.
© Ann Buscho, Ph.D. 2020
Psychologist named the right way to tell a child about a divorce | Society news | Izvestiya
Both parents should set aside time to talk with their child about divorce and explain to him that what is happening is not his fault.
Medsi Premium psychologist Ekaterina Kulagina told Izvestiya about this and other problems that may arise in the family and how to deal with them.
It is best if both mom and dad are present at the announcement of the changes that await the child after the divorce of the parents. If this is not possible, then the responsibility for the conversation should be taken by the parent whom the child trusts more, the specialist emphasizes. It is much worse when information comes to the child from third parties: grandmothers, friends, neighbors. In this case, the child does not have the opportunity to ask questions to the “original source”, which increases anxiety.
Special time should be allocated for the conversation, Kulagina emphasizes.
“Yes, it is difficult. But important life-determining things are not communicated "in between times" - this humiliates and devalues the child's experiences. For him, the world is collapsing in any case, and this must be treated with the utmost respect <.
..> What can I say? That adults sometimes can't live together for adult reasons. That this is only their adult question and the child is not to blame here and will not be able to influence the situation in the future, ”said the psychologist.
It is important for a child to convey that mom and dad will remain loving parents for him and will continue to communicate with him, despite the fact that the relationship between them will change. It is also necessary to show that parents are sorry to hurt the child, but they see no other solution, so they will try to compensate for what happened to the best of their ability.
“And of course, if there are several children in the family, it is advisable to conduct the initial conversation in the presence of all of them. But the following questions can be answered one by one. And it’s good if these questions are - this is a natural way for a child to cope with pain, ”explained Kulagina.
Sometimes divorce can still be avoided by contacting a specialist, she stressed.
A person who deals with problems between spouses is a family psychologist. He knows how the human psyche works, what difficulties people overcome in their life path and understands the intricacies and nuances of relationships, the stages of family development, inevitable crises and ways to effectively resolve them, as well as the features of communication between people, types of attachment and intergenerational processes.
“A family is a place where a person should feel good. Accordingly, if a person cannot confidently say something similar about himself, if a person experiences discomfort of any kind in a marital or parent-child relationship, a family psychologist will help to understand what is happening, identify hidden processes and find ways to resolve contradictions, ”said the psychologist, adding that the sooner a person asks for help, the easier the contradictions can be eliminated.
Unexpected problems in a family can arise if all its members are “imprisoned” at home at once: parents have switched to remote work, and the child has switched to distance learning.
To begin with, Kulagina recommends coming to terms with the fact that this happened and that not all family members are to blame for this. This approach will help not to disrupt the resulting irritation on loved ones.
In addition, the specialist advised to draw up a joint work schedule for everyone, which would take into account not only the mandatory "work-study", but also cooking, sleep and the possibility of relaxation for everyone on equal terms. You can then rank the overall list of tasks by importance.
At the same time, putting one's own employment in the first place and forcing the rest of the family to adapt will inevitably lead to scandals.
“From practical details: buy a set of ear plugs and headphones and actively use them for everyone; ordering ready-made meals more often to reduce “cooking for the whole family” time and free up space in the kitchen; pay for mobile Internet and, whenever possible, transfer work processes to a car, park or nearest cafe; be sure to plan time for “being alone” for everyone.
And remember that this is not forever: the distance will pass, but loved ones will remain, ”advises the psychologist.
Sometimes the reasons for quarrels and scandals in a family can be the financial dependence of one of the partners on the other. This can be either a temporary phenomenon - for example, maternity leave, illness or a job search period - or permanent, when the partners initially agreed on mutually convenient financial interaction, and then "something went wrong" and one or both partners began to violate these agreements not for the benefit of the other.
As a rule, in the first case, the addicted partner usually has resources for some other areas of jointness: leisure, emotions, social circle, experience and knowledge. In this case, it makes sense to identify the problem and revise the financial arrangements in the light of changed conditions.
In the second case, it is likely that the dominant partner fell into the temptation to “shut off” any other scarce areas at the expense of the financial sector: the desire for power, status, compensation for childhood injuries, Kulagina suggested.
In such a situation, work is required on alternative ways of “closing” emotional deficits.
“And there is a third option, when initially there were no agreements at all, it just somehow happened by itself. Then we can certainly say that there was a period when the state of dependence was beneficial to the non-independent partner too. In this case, it would be worthwhile to deal with the background, secondary benefits and the prevailing stereotypes of interaction, ”the psychologist noted.
On May 25, the research holding Romir presented the results of a survey, according to which the surest way to deal with anxiety for Russians is to spend time with friends or relatives. 27% of the respondents eat sweet stress, and 22% of citizens take sedatives.
How to tell a child about a divorce?
- Tags:
- Expert advice
- 0-1 year
- 1-3 years
- 3-7 years
- 7-12 years
- teenager
Mom and dad decided to get a divorce.
.. If before that everything was fine in the family and both parents took part in raising the child, then the news of the divorce will not only be a blow to him, but can also cause serious psychological trauma. To avoid this, parents must correctly explain to the child why they will no longer live together, and support him in this situation. How to do this, tell I am a parent.
How to build a conversation with a child?
A child should only be told about the separation of their parents when the final decision on divorce has been made (an application has been submitted), and not after an emotional quarrel. If divorce is not an intention or a reflection, but already an inevitability, the child must be informed about this, but try not to go into details, that is, give as much information as is necessary and sufficient. The older the child, the more explanation and discussion will be required.
Children under three years of age, first of all, pay attention to emotions and intonations, while words are still in the background for him, so parents will need to make every effort to stabilize their internal state, otherwise anxiety will be transmitted to the child.
After three years the child already needs explanations. From three to six (at preschool age), the child tends to take the reason for the parents' divorce personally. It is very important in this situation to explain to the child that the relationship has changed only between mom and dad, but they still love him and he is not to blame for the breakup.
It is desirable for both parents to talk to the child at the same time. And it is better that the position of mom and dad is consistent. Even if there is no longer marital affection between you, you still remain a family, as you are forever connected by common children. A friendly and respectful atmosphere is a necessary foundation for your child's calmness and constructive "digestion" of this news.
The most important preparation is the preparation for the conversation between yourself and your partner. The child reads the state of the parent primarily on the bodily and emotional levels. Thus, if you, going into a conversation, will worry about how the child will perceive the news, you will be nervous, fiddling with something in your hands, your voice will tremble, then the complex experiences of the child will intensify.
There is no need to talk too much about the breakup itself. Try to focus on the information that will calm the child: “Dad is leaving, but you will see him almost as often as before”, “Dad is leaving, but he will call you every day and talk to you for a long time.”
Think about what you can offer the child in the new environment, try to be truthful and talk about those obligations that you are sure of.
Psychologist Ekaterina Kadieva wrote very well and correctly about divorce and its impact on the child's psyche. According to her, there are rules that must be followed when telling a child about divorce. And here are some of them.
- Firstly, divorce in a family is a mutual, voluntary decision of both parents, no one is forcing anyone.
- Secondly, you need to explain to the child that the decision to divorce is final, and no one and nothing can change it.
- You should also explain to the child that he is absolutely not to blame for the fact that the parents are breaking up, and no actions of his can influence their decision.
Often children think that it was they who caused the fact that mom no longer lives with dad.
The main mistakes of parents
1. Pretend that nothing is happening, or hide the problem.
The child will still see changes (in relationships, emotions, habitual mode). If a parent behaves as if nothing had happened or invents tales, such as "dad went on a long-term business trip", then the child may lose a basic sense of security, trust in the world and parents.
2. Go into details or speak too broadly/abstractly.
It is not necessary to discuss the details of the partnership and the "adult" reasons why you decided to break up. But at the same time, you should avoid vague phrases like “we are not suitable for each other.” Children need specific indicators of a problem that they understand. For example, “You noticed that we quarrel with dad very often.”
3. Insult a partner, swear during a conversation.
In a situation of divorce, one really wants to throw out resentment, blame the other half for all the sins.
But the responsibility for divorce lies with both parents.
There is no need to denigrate mum/dad in the eyes of the child and arrange scenes with a showdown in his presence. Nothing but harm to the psyche of the child, it will not bring.
In addition, there may be a reverse effect: the negative attitude will be caused by the very parent who criticizes and blames his partner. Also, there is no need to compare the child with a partner in a negative context (“you are the same as your father / your mother!”), Because in this situation there is a message of splitting the child’s personality into male and female components, where one of them is a negative figure. As a result, the skills corresponding to this figure are lost: empathy, acceptance, tenderness, if the female figure is denied; decisiveness, progressiveness, achievements, if the male figure is denied.
4. Discuss the issue of divorce in the presence of third parties or spontaneously (on emotions).
The conversation should take place in an atmosphere that is comfortable for the child, face to face. Grandparents, close friends are not the best company for such conversations. Ask the close circle to be tactful in this situation and not discuss the issue of the parents' divorce with the child (and even more so before the parents themselves do it).
5. Leave a child alone with experiences.
Of course, the divorce of parents is a great stress for the child, so he should not be left out of sight for this period. You need to try to spend more time with your child - to communicate on various topics, to go somewhere together. But to do this unobtrusively, very delicately, rather observing, rather than pestering with questions. If the child does not ask questions, it is better not to raise the topic once again, but to wait until he himself becomes the initiator of the conversation. Just be there and be ready to answer questions.
And finally…
As a rule, after a divorce, a child stays with his mother, and it is very important that he does not lose his emotional connection with his father, then he will not feel abandoned and inferior.
If the relationship between father and child has been successful before, then most likely you will not have to look for reasons to meet.
In the event that the father was not close to the child, the mother does not need to make this gap even larger. On the contrary, you need to try to focus on what still united the child and the father. What occupation caused mutually pleasant impressions? Maybe playing hockey or collecting city coins? Let the child continue to be carried away by what his father infected him with.
Another example: the husband valued work more than family relationships, which, in fact, became the cause of the discord. Try to turn this situation so that it becomes useful for the child. It is necessary to show your ex-husband that your common child needs to acquire such qualities as hard work, determination, endurance, and that your spouse is the best example of this and will be able to pass this on to him. Let the father teach this to the child, and then they will remain close.
