Steps | Time-Out | Essentials | Parenting Information
When children misbehave and parents try to correct them, feelings and emotions can get out of control. A time-out allows the parent and child time to cool down. The steps below can be used for time-out. Remember it is helpful to practice what will happen in a time-out with your child before you need to use it.
Steps for Time-Out
If your child misbehaves in a way that calls for a time-out (like not following directions), give a time-out warning. Let your child know in a calm voice that he will go to time-out if he keeps misbehaving.
For example, if you tell your child to put away his toys and he does not listen, you might say, “If you don’t put away your toys, you are going to time-out.” Wait about 5 seconds. If your child follows directions after the warning, praise him. You could say, “I really like it when you listen and put away your toys just like I asked!” If your child keeps misbehaving, it is time to follow through with a time-out. Always follow through with time-out when you give the warning and your child does not do what you told him to do.
Tell your child he is going to time-out and tell him why. Tell your child, “You have to go to time-out because you…” You should say this only once. Say it in a calm but firm voice. When you are telling your child why he is going to time-out:
Do NOT lecture, scold, or argue.
Do NOT accept any excuses.
Do NOT talk to your child while taking him to the time-out chair.
Ignore shouting, protesting, and promises to be good.
If your child refuses to go to time-out, lead him by the hand or pick him up safely and carry him to the chair. When you get to the time-out space, tell him to sit down. Tell him to stay in the time-out space until you say he can get up. When your child is in time-out:
Do NOT let anyone talk with him.
Do NOT let him play with anything.
Getting children to sit in time-out is sometimes easier said than done. If your child gets out of the time-out space, put him back and do not talk to your child. When you first use time-out, you may have to return your child to time-out several times. See Handling Time-Out Challenges for more information.
Time-out usually lasts between 2 and 5 minutes for toddlers and preschoolers. A good rule is to give 1 minute of time-out for every year of the child’s age. This means that a 2-year-old would sit in time-out for 2 minutes, and a 3-year-old would have a 3-minute time-out.
Your child should be quiet before he leaves the time-out space. Listen for about 5 seconds of silence toward the end of time-out. When your child is quiet for 5 seconds at the end of time-out, tell him he can get up. If your child got time-out for breaking a family rule or for doing something dangerous, you may want to remind your child of the behavior you expect. For example, you can say, “Remember our rule: keep your hands and feet to yourself.”
If the time-out was for not following your direction, repeat the direction. Your child needs to follow your directions, even after time-out. If your child still refuses to do what you have told him to do, he should go back to time-out.
Focus on the next positive thing your child does and give him an enthusiastic praise! Sometimes giving your child the chance to follow another direction allows you to praise him. If your child does not do what you have told him to do, even after the time-out, you should repeat the time-out. It may take several times before your child learns that you mean what you say.
What You Can Do While Your Child is in Time-Out
Try to do what you would normally be doing when your child is in time-out, but stay close enough to know if your child is doing anything dangerous or tries to leave the time-out chair/spot. No one should give your child any attention while he is in time-out. Do not look at your child, do not talk to your child, and do not touch your child. Make sure your child’s brothers and sisters are also not giving him attention in time-out.
Putting Two Children in Time-Out
When two children are arguing or fighting, knowing who started it is less important than giving a consequence to both children for misbehaving. Choosing sides does not allow children the chance to solve their own problems. Putting both children in time-out is better because you do not have to take sides, you do not reward the children with attention for fighting, and both children are equally punished. Make sure to send the children to different time-out spots. Then follow the regular time-out procedure with both children.
Putting a Toy in Time-Out
If your child is mishandling a toy or fighting with another child over the toy, you can consider putting the toy in time-out (and not your child). Putting the toy in time-out can be used if you do not want to put your child in time-out too often. It is a way to teach your child self-control and still decrease misbehaviors without too much time spent in time-out by your child. To do this, just take the toy away and put it in time-out. After the time-out is over, tell your child why the toy was in time-out and then have your child say why the toy was in time-out.
Time Out for Kids - Correct Steps and Common Mistakes
Should you use timeout | What is time-out | Correct steps for time out | Common mistakes | Beware of Internet Guidance
Over the last few decades, the use of time out for kids has become an increasingly popular method for dealing with inappropriate behavior in kids.
Here’s the good news about the use of time-outs: It is supported by science as an effective way to correct toddler behavior. The bad news? Most people are doing it wrong.
Should you use Time-Out
Five decades of research show that using time out to discipline is a proven disciplinary technique. But it seems to get a bad rep in the media in recent years.
Some believe that toddler time outs are ineffective because they don’t teach children better behavior. Yet, giving toddler time-outs is still a toddler discipline technique officially recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).
Why is there a disagreement?
That’s because 85% of parents use time-out incorrectly, and the incorrect usage can hurt children1.
What is Time Out
Time-out’s full name is time-out from positive reinforcement. It is a procedure in which the child is briefly removed from an environment that is reinforcing bad behavior, and placed in a safe space that is not reinforcing.
This strategy was invented, tested, and modified by child psychologists in the 1950s. Throughout the 1960s to 1980s, there was a large body of research dedicated to proving that it could stop unwanted behavior 2.
Unfortunately, adequate training or correct information is not always available. Most parents rely on other parents, the internet, parenting books, or guesswork. With time, time-out has grown to include improper elements that barely resemble the original method.
For more help on calming tantrums, check out this step-by-step guide
Correct steps for time-out
Give a warning
The first step is to specify the rule. Tell your child if they perform an undesired behavior, they’ll get a time-out. But if they stop, or perform the desired behavior, they’ll get another outcome. Tell them this is the only warning.
2. Go into time-out
Once a warning is given, if the misbehavior continues, a timeout needs to happen immediately. Clearly state the reason. Do not allow “second chance” or negotiation. Otherwise, escaping the time-out will serve to reinforce the inappropriate behavior.
3. A quiet place for time-out
The time-out space should have very little social, sensory, material, toys, or activity reinforcements. Studies show that the more stimulating the time-out place, the less effective it is3.
4. Stay in time-out
If the child refuses to stay in the time-out area, gently lead them back. You may have to do this a few times, but be consistent and kind. You can stay by their side to ensure they stay there, but do not interact with them.
The idea is to make this place “boring” with no reinforcers. Do not allow any kind of interactions, activities, or materials that may become unintended reinforcement.
5. Brief duration (2-5 minutes)
A widespread belief is that the length of time should increase with the child’s age (1 minute per year of age). However, there’s a lack of consistent evidence supporting that claim. In fact, studies show that 2-5 minute time-outs are as effective as longer ones for older children4–7.
6. Be quiet and calm before release
Even if the time is up, the child needs to show a few seconds of quiet and calm behavior before being released.
7. Follow the original request
Before ending the time-out, reissue the initial command. The child must follow the instruction to end the time-out procedure so that they will not use time-out to escape a command.
8. Time ins when your child is not in time-out
To prevent the next unacceptable behavior, positive reinforcement is a key ingredient. Pay position attention to good behavior. Provide a home environment full of a close parent-child relationship, positive interactions, and interesting activities. Praise them when you catch them doing good things.
If a child lives in an environment filled with negative interactions, or a lack of affection and fun activities, it won’t make much difference whether a child is put into a time-out or not, and therefore will not be an effective technique in discouraging misbehavior8.
Use time-out to punish
One of the most common misuses of time-out is the focus on using it as a punishment – an unnatural negative consequence imposed on the child to make them feel bad.
Time-out is not intended to be a punishment. It is a behavior modification tool that teaches a child to make good behavioral decisions. The child learns to make a decision that has a certain consequence. Giving a warning every time provides the child with the chance to make a good choice.
However, when young children misbehave or throw temper tantrums, frustrated caregivers often find it difficult to control their own feelings. They use timeouts out of anger to punish.
Time-out becomes a punishment when it’s given with hostility, yelling, intimidating tone of voice, long duration, or humiliation, such as using a naughty chair or standing in a corner in front of the whole class in school. None of these practices teach your child how to behave appropriately.
Using time-out chairs for toddlers to shame or humiliate the child is particularly damaging as shame and humiliation are linked to a higher risk for depression later in adolescents9.
Not model emotion regulation
Toddlers learn self-regulating and self-control skills through observation and parent-child interactions. Parents who exhibit harsh or hostile emotions when giving time-outs model dysregulated behavior for the child to imitate10. So when time-outs are used as punishment, the only things the child learns are feelings of isolation and rejection, and emotional dysregulation.
Rejection and isolation induce relational pains. In brain scans, scientists found that when a child experiences relational pain, the brain areas that are activated are the same areas activated by physical pain11. We know that physical assault, such as corporal punishment, can hurt a developing mind12. So, when time-outs are used as punishment, the pain caused can be harmful to the developing brain, too.
Tell the child to think about their mistake
Giving time-out is also not about giving the child time to “reflect” or “think about what they did”. No young kids ever come out of a time-out remorseful or vowing not to misbehave ever again. Instead, they are probably more resentful and more determined to avoid getting caught the next time or seek revenge on the person who got them into trouble.
Beware of Internet Guidance
In a 2015 study, Amy Drayton and colleagues surveyed over 100 respected Internet websites. They found that no website included complete and accurate information on using time-out4.
This finding is alarming because nowadays many parents depend on the Internet for parenting information. Since the publication of that study, several websites have updated their advice and tips in their articles, but many still retain inconsistent or inaccurate information, confirmed by another study in 201813.
When frustrated parents follow incorrect information and do not obtain the desired effect, they may become angrier and resort to harsh methods, such as yelling or physical punishment. These methods are strongly associated with behavioral problems, such as aggressive behavior, conduct disorder or oppositional defiance disorder, and internalizing problems, such as anxiety or depression14–16.
Although, when used appropriately, time out for kids is an effective strategy, it is not an end-all-be-all discipline. Parents need a variety of disciplinary tools for different situations.
Time-outs are also not the best way to deal with certain toddler issues, such as tantrums.
Using distractions to redirect a budding tantrum, modeling appropriate behavior for toddlers to emulate, teaching self-regulation skills to calm big emotions, and using inductive discipline to explain natural consequences are all good alternatives to add to the big bag of parenting tricks.
Need Help Motivating Kids?
If you are looking for additional tips and an actual step-by-step plan, this online course How To Motivate Kids is a great place to start.
It gives you the steps you need to identify motivation issues in your child and the strategy you can apply to help your child build self-motivation and become passionate about learning.
Once you know this science-based strategy, motivating your child becomes easy and stress-free.
Riley AR, Wagner DV, Tudor ME, Zuckerman KE, Freeman KA. A Survey of Parents’ Perceptions and Use of Time-out Compared to Empirical Evidence. Academic Pediatrics. Published online March 2017:168-175. doi:10.1016/j.acap.2016.08.004
Everett GE, Hupp SDA, Olmi DJ. Time-out with Parents: A Descriptive Analysis of 30 Years of Research. Education and Treatment of Children. 2010;33(2):235-259.
BRANTNER JP, DOHERTY MA. A review of timeout: A conceptual and methodological analysis. In: Effects of Punishment on Human Behavior. Academic Press; 1983:87-132.
Drayton AK, Andersen MN, Knight RM, Felt BT, Fredericks EM, Dore-Stites DJ. Internet Guidance on Time Out. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics. Published online May 2014:239-246. doi:10.1097/dbp.0000000000000059
Hobbs SA, Forehand R, Murray RG. Effects of various durations of timeout on the noncompliant behavior of children. Behavior Therapy. Published online September 1978:652-656. doi:10.1016/s0005-7894(78)80142-7
Fabiano GA, Pelham WE Jr, Manos MJ, et al. An evaluation of three time-out procedures for children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Behavior Therapy. Published online 2004:449-469. doi:10.1016/s0005-7894(04)80027-3
McGuffin PW. The effect of timeout duration on frequency of aggression in hospitalized children with conduct disorders. Behav Intervent. Published online October 1991:279-288. doi:10.1002/bin.2360060405
Staats AW. Child Learning, Intelligence, and Personality: Principles of a Behavioral Interaction Approach. Harper & Row; 1971.
Stuewig J, McCloskey LA. The Relation of Child Maltreatment to Shame and Guilt Among Adolescents: Psychological Routes to Depression and Delinquency. Child Maltreat. Published online November 2005:324-336. doi:10.1177/1077559505279308
Chang L, Schwartz D, Dodge KA, McBride-Chang C. Harsh Parenting in Relation to Child Emotion Regulation and Aggression. Journal of Family Psychology. Published online 2003:598-606. doi:10.1037/0893-3220.127.116.118
Eisenberger NI. The Neural Bases of Social Pain. Psychosomatic Medicine. Published online 2012:126-135. doi:10.1097/psy.0b013e3182464dd1
Gershoff ET, Grogan-Kaylor A. Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology. Published online 2016:453-469. doi:10.1037/fam0000191
Corralejo SM, Jensen SA, Greathouse AD, Ward LE. Parameters of Time-out: Research Update and Comparison to Parenting Programs, Books, and Online Recommendations. Behavior Therapy. Published online January 2018:99-112. doi:10.1016/j.beth.2017.09.005
Bayer JK, Ukoumunne OC, Lucas N, Wake M, Scalzo K, Nicholson JM. Risk Factors for Childhood Mental Health Symptoms: National Longitudinal Study of Australian Children. PEDIATRICS. Published online September 2, 2011:e865-e879. doi:10.1542/peds.2011-0491
Weiss B, Dodge KA, Bates JE, Pettit GS. Some Consequences of Early Harsh Discipline: Child Aggression and a Maladaptive Social Information Processing Style. Child Development. Published online December 1992:1321. doi:10.2307/1131558
Pardini D, Frick P. Multiple developmental pathways to conduct disorder: current conceptualizations and clinical implications. J Can Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2013;22(1):20-25. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23390429
About Pamela Li, MS, MBA
Pamela Li is a bestselling author. She is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting For Brain. Her educational background is in Electrical Engineering (MS, Stanford University) and Business Management (MBA, Harvard University). Learn more
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Using a timeout to control a child's behavior
What is a timeout?
A timeout is a situation in which you stop an activity that your child is currently interested in and do not pay attention to it for a short period of time.
Timeout can be used to manage a child's behavior when it is inappropriate.
The time-out strategy works best when there is a warm, kind relationship between parent and child, and when combined with other behavior management techniques, such as preventing unwanted behavior (distraction; keeping the child sufficiently busy) and encouraging acceptable behavior.
How the time-out works
When done well, time-outs can be a great way to teach children how to behave and how not to behave . However, it is important to use it correctly. This article is designed to help you apply this strategy appropriately.
Even small children are able to understand that if they behave badly, they can lose both communication with other people and interesting things for a short time. The timeout also gives your child a chance to think about what happened and how they might behave differently next time.
In addition, time-out causes less anger, shame or fear in children than other parenting methods such as corporal punishment.
Time out works well when your relationship and spending time with your child is filled with warmth and love, and when your expectations for his behavior are appropriate for the child's age. If the child's behavior or other circumstances in your life affect how you feel about him, talk to your doctor or other specialist (psychologist, educator).
Settling time and timeout
There are two types of such a strategy: settling time and timeout.
Time to calm down This is when you interrupt some situation, but do not send the child to another place. For example, if you are in a park, you can tell your child to sit under a tree for five minutes and calm down. If you are at home, you can ask your child to sit in a chair in the same room as you.
If your child does not want to sit quietly in the same room, you can offer a time out in another.
Time out If the child is misbehaving, the child will go to a pre-arranged time out, such as a spare room or hallway. Usually a timeout place is a safe and boring room or a place without toys or games.
You can leave this room open, but if your child tries to leave before you let them, close the door before the timeout ends. This will help avoid swearing or fighting between you and your child.
The decision to close the door is correct if the timeout provokes very loud or aggressive behavior from both your child and you. But if you need to look after your child during a timeout, it's best to leave the door open.
Remember, a timeout is not always the way out of a situation. Sometimes defiant behavior occurs because your child is not feeling well, there is a problem in your family, or for some other reason, including a certain stage of your child's development. Keep this in mind when choosing a strategy for managing your child's behavior.
Implementing a Time Out Strategy in a Family
Here are a few things to think about before you start using a time out strategy.
What strategies do you use to stay calm? First of all, when you use the timeout, it is important to remain calm. If you find yourself feeling stressed, try taking a few deep breaths to relax both physically and mentally.
How old is your child? Time out can be a useful strategy for managing behavior in a 3-8 year old. Children under 3 years old are usually not ready for a timeout, so it is better for them to use other behavior management approaches described in other articles.
As your child gets older, you can start getting your child involved in making family rules and regulations.
Is now the right time for this? Sometimes children begin to behave undesirably when there are changes in their lives, for example, a little brother or sister appears when the family moves to another place, or the baby starts attending a nursery, kindergarten or school. Even a global pandemic is stressing families and affecting both children and adults.
In situations like this, you can give your child time to adjust to the changes and think about ways to encourage positive behavior.
What behavior would you like to work on? Think about your child's behavior and what you would like to change, such as not fighting or swearing. Keep in mind that it is best to work on changing a specific course of action, rather than various manifestations all at once. When the problem is fixed, you can move on to other points, such as correcting the habit of throwing toys.
How much time is allowed for calm down and timeouts? The effectiveness of the method is not directly related to its duration. The recommended guideline is no more than one minute for each year of the child's age, with a maximum of five minutes, for example: a maximum of three minutes for a three-year-old child and a maximum of five minutes for children aged 5-8. You can use a timer to keep track of time.
Will you give a warning before sending a child to time out? It depends on the situation and your child. You may want to give it a chance to change its behavior before using the timeout. Or you decide that some behavior, such as fighting or biting, will immediately cause a timeout.
If you decide to give warnings before the timeout, be sure to keep the promise if your child's behavior doesn't change. Otherwise, the strategy will not work.
How would you explain the time-out to a child? If you have not used this strategy before, you will need to explain what behavior will cause the timeout and what exactly will happen. The best time for such a conversation is when you are both calm. Young children will also need reminders and extra help to understand the connection between their behavior and timeout.
Younger children can use a soft toy, doll, or even another adult to try to explain what will happen and how.
Interruption with the child: soothing time out
August 03, 2014 1:49 pm
Sometimes kids don't listen to us and they have to be punished. A time-out is one of the humane punishment options, in reality it is an interruption of contact with a child for educational purposes. There are many variations of a timeout, but usually with this style of punishment, you leave the child alone for a short period of time, stop communicating with him yourself, or deprive him of communication with those with whom he had fun. Sometimes it sounds like punishment for the child, sometimes like help: to give him the opportunity to calm down.
Many people think that a time-out means putting the child in a corner and not even turning around! No, it's not. The “quiet chair” option for a normal child is much more understandable and calmer: if he gets naughty - you need to sit quietly in a chair in order to calm down. At the same time, you can do whatever you want, but you can’t leave the chair.
As many mothers say, a time-out is especially good because while the child is sitting in a “quiet chair”, they themselves come to their senses and calm down. It seems that this method sometimes has a more beneficial effect not on children, but on the parents themselves ...
Timeout is not necessarily a punishment of deprivation, it is in many ways the cessation of reinforcement of behavior that we assess as undesirable. It must be taken into account that for a child, even our screams at him are already in some sense a joy, since the child receives attention from us. And if we stop paying attention to him, then often only because of this the child calms down: why, really, be outrageous if no one is looking at it?
For example, a four-year-old child shouts out in rage: “I hate you, I hate you!” and beats his mother's legs with his fists. Instead of continuing to argue with him, try to do the opposite: stop paying attention to the child and start minding your own business: he will not break your bones. You and your child have a break, a time-out. Usually, after a few minutes, rage will be replaced by snoring and a lost look ... Now turn your attention back to the child, hug, cuddle and change the topic of conversation.
A time-out is not only and not so much a punishment as an opportunity for a child to come to his senses and calm down. When a child is rowdy, it is difficult for him to think. In order for him to begin to think, he needs to be alone and not run. Organize such conditions for children!
The older sister hit the younger one. The younger one cries, and the older one refuses to apologize. Insist? There will be a lot of screaming. Instead, give your eldest daughter a task: "You are going to the next room, you need to calm down. When you calm down and are ready to apologize to your sister, tell me." Usually after a few minutes the situation changes to a more favorable one.
And sometime a time-out is a clash of wills: a clash of the will of the parent and the will of the child. Who is stronger?
For example, a child is naughty, refuses to obey a parent. If so, you can tell him: "I will not talk to you, play and communicate with you while you behave like this." This can result in an hour or two hours of a strike, but if you show patience and perseverance, the child will still go, and quietly grumbling, change clothes, clean up, sit down for lessons ... The main thing is that he understands - if you said , so it will be.
What else would a timeout at home look like? For example, you take a child by the hand and take him to his room, removing all electronic entertainment from there. Books and simple games can be left, but the phone, iPads and read the joys of life, including friends - the child loses all this. If the child obeys you, then it is even easier - to put him on a chair next to you, let him sit alone and get a little bored.
There are many options: leave one in the room, put it in a corner, put it on the step of the stairs, etc. The main thing - not for long (several minutes) and be sure to explain why. Parents write: “A child from the kindergarten brought us the concept of a naughty corner - a corner for the naughty. She played pranks and said: “I’ll go sit in the corner!” Well, my husband and I decided to practice. It worked great for us. that, enough to warn about the future.Yes, and in the program Nanny 911 they highly recommend time-out - to put them somewhere, even on a sofa or on a chair. They also set a timer: 1 minute for each year of the child, i.e. if 2 years - 2 minutes to sit, 8 years - 8 minutes. With a timer, the child understands when it is possible to go out, and it is clear that this will not last forever.
Another interesting experience: "My daughter is now telling me how her girlfriends are put in the corner of her mother. And she came up with her own punishment. "When I'm naughty, if you get too tired, put me on the closet"
If the child does not obey you at all, does not sit on a chair, comes out of the corner and runs away from his room, then his actions must be physically blocked (hold the door or stand in the doorway, blocking the exit), and crying and screaming must simply be endured. Actually, crying and screaming are not harmful to the health of the child, and reasonable people around you will support you.
It is more difficult to use this method in a public place, but if not everything is terribly neglected and you have already successfully used this approach at home, then it will help you both on the street and in the supermarket. In a supermarket, you can use a shopping cart (put a child there), or a public toilet, or a corner of the store as a punishment room. Alternatively, you just leave the supermarket... If you took the child by the hand, it’s easier to deal with the child, and if you left the supermarket, leaving him there, then, of course, you didn’t completely leave, but just pretended that they left, and you are watching what is happening hidden.
If a child misbehaves in the car, again, you need to start counting. Punishment: You stop on the side of the road and don't go anywhere until everyone calms down, or you turn around and go home instead of for a walk.
How effective is this method? At what age and in what style should it be used?
There are no ideal methods, and timeout is not suitable for everyone and not always.
It should be noted that this method only works immediately after the offense: delayed punishment is no longer effective. On the other hand, timeout is effective precisely as an urgent method of stopping outrages and works where the “method of natural consequences” and “learning from your own mistakes” fail: they work reliably, but very slowly ...
You can start using this method from the age of 2, this method is most effective when the child is 3-4 years old. On the other hand, if you transform the timeout and accompany it with a warning known to the child, such as "One! Two! Three!", then its effectiveness will increase significantly. In this embodiment, it can be used already in the period from 2 to 12 years.
Parents are writing
For our noddy-ass, the corner is the only true punishment. The rest he does not perceive at all. And "angle" for him is a relative concept. If dad threatens him with a "corner" - this is one thing, he understands that this is serious. Well, if I do, then something like this: he stands in the designated conditional "corner" for a couple of minutes, but then he easily leaves it. Dad is dissatisfied with this, but on the contrary, I think that one should not overdo it with these "executions".
I, between a "quiet" chair and a corner, would definitely choose a "quiet" chair. The corner seems to me ... mmmm ... more humiliating, or something. Especially under the condition of upbringing in mental-Soviet families (this is where you don’t turn your nose to the wall). A chair is a softer option: sit on a chair, but at the same time do what you want, you just can’t leave.
In grades 1-2, my first-class teacher put my classmates in a corner. How I envied them! After all, you can not write, not work! Get a toy out of your pocket and play! At home, this kind of execution was unknown to me, so I have no idea how to do it with my own child. Sometimes it's enough to say "Time out!" and shut up for 5 minutes.
Kristan visits my corner, it works as a sedative. He stands there for no more than 2-3 minutes and comes out a completely different person! And Gabrielochka doesn't need a corner - she understands everything, and we agree perfectly!
And I brought the concept of "corner" from the garden. But since we are goodies and favorites in the garden, other children are put in a corner there. So, his concept of a corner has somehow transformed, and when he is not in a good mood or is offended by us, he PUNISHES US: "That's it!!! I'm standing in the corner!" ... and goes to the chosen corner, and pouts. ..
I never thought about putting it in a corner, it's somehow soviet. I tell mine to sit on my father's computer chair. Previously, she did not sit, but now she sits. Still depends on the child. I looked after my nephew, who was 1.5, and put him on the stairs when there was something (I will clarify - when he beat Anya). And he sat, he could try to get up once, but I put him back, and he did not get up again. It was evident from the child that he was aware that he had done harm. It’s the same with my little one now: she knows what she did wrong and sits. By the way, the fact that she is sitting on a chair is also a plus: then she is even happy to collect toys later, just so as not to sit on a chair.
It seems to me that putting a child in a corner or spanking him for a fault is only from parental impotence. I don’t put my children in a corner, I don’t beat, I try to explain to the child why he was wrong, and why his mother got angry. The most terrible punishment we have is that watching cartoons is cancelled.
Usually, if Masha starts to go too far and no persuasions and arguments work, we take her to the bedroom with the words: sit down, calm down, then you will leave. As a rule, after 5 minutes he comes out in a normal mood. Often it even happens that she gets angry and goes into the bedroom herself. And then, calming down, he leaves.
I think it's a good idea to take me to a room and let it cool down. There is no humiliation in it, as with a corner. And most importantly, if you take away not as a punishment, but as a help: "You need to cool down", "You need to be alone, otherwise we will quarrel."
And we have already tried the timeout. When our offspring suddenly started to fight. They put him on a chair, right in the living room, for a couple of minutes. Shouted, but acted. Once we were in the bedroom, and he suddenly swung again, I told him, "Go cool down." And surprisingly, he went. There was no chair in place, so he fell right on the floor and mutters: "Sit down and think about how to beat!" In general, he passed it, and I don’t know exactly the reason for neither the beginning nor the end.
We tried to put him in a corner a couple of times, after a minute she starts singing songs, playing something, after a couple of minutes she forgets that she was punished, comes out as if nothing had happened, and starts doing her own business. With a chair, the same thing, only longer in time. But always, after thinking, he asks for forgiveness (however, after 5 minutes, bad behavior again). The best thing is to immediately explain what she is doing badly and how she should behave (but the main thing here is not to break loose, because in the process of explaining we ourselves often turn to laughter because of her counter-arguments).
We use the "sit, cool, think" method - I just sit on the sofa in the other corner of the room. If it does not help, and the situation repeats itself, I send it to my room. And on this, as a rule, the conflict is settled, because. going to your room is already a change of scenery.
I use a corner for punishment, but my daughter is not standing there alone, but next to me, and I explain to her that I do not like her behavior. The angle works very well. We also have a corner in the garden, called "a corner for reflection". The teacher said that there was a boy in the group who asked to stand there. And then one day the girl got spoiled, her teacher took her to a corner, and there this boy sits and offers: "Can I sit here instead of her." You see, the child loves silence.
We had such nonsense last year. A child comes home from kindergarten and says: "Mom, I want to go to the corner." I'm confused, how? "Why?" - I ask. "I misbehaved." Well, if you want, go, I don't mind. She will go, close herself in the bath and begin to cry quietly there. If I go to him - says "leave!". He will stand like this, then he calls me, I will come, pick him up, sit with him for a while, after that everything is fine. Then it passed. Why so? I didn't understand at first. Maybe it relieved stress or something. Then we had it during an illness, when we didn’t go to kindergarten for a long time, and I understood that when he gets tired, he needs to cry. And the corner is like a reason to cry "legally".
Video from Yana Schastie: interview with Professor of Psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn't be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.
Dealing with unwanted behavior
Author N.I. Kozlov
Types of punishments
Method of rewards and punishments
Bringing up children
Guest, August 05, 2014, 10:38 pm
Will it help if a child is 20?
N.I. Kozlov, August 06, 2014, 00:00
If parents have problems with a child of this age, a time-out here will help the parents themselves. In difficult conversations, it is important not to rush, sometimes you need to pause, consider your position and someone else's. Thinking is always good, and this is where a timeout will definitely come in handy.
Guest, August 06, 2014, 5:14 pm
This type of punishment did not suit my child - the child could not stand in the corner or sit on a chair (too active), and when she tried to physically block (close in the room), how recommended in the article, ran into a problem - after that the child is afraid to be in the room for a couple of years. I must say that the child was informed that as a punishment he would sit in the room until he calmed down and it was naturally light. However, the results of that case still excite me. A good slap is a much more effective and psychologically safe punishment than an angle, at least for my child.
N.I. Kozlov, August 06, 2014, 05:57 PM
Slap - yes, sometimes it's good. The question is, what is it: "the child is afraid to be in the room"? Does he tell you this? Is he crying for you? How do you know it's something serious and not just his unwillingness to sit in the room?
Guest, 07 August 2014, 08:38
Doesn't cry, but when I say - go play yourself in the room, he refuses, says that there is a monster. ..
N.I. Kozlov, August 07, 2014, 2:48 pm
Maria M., August 12, 2014, 1:45 pm
Good article, but this confused me: "If the child does not obey you at all, does not sit on a chair, comes out of the corner and runs away from his room, then his actions must be physically blocked (hold the door or stand in the doorway, blocking the exit), and crying and screaming just need to be endured. support." I think it's too harsh, especially for a parent. I'm afraid that from this the child will have fears due to closing.
Maria M., August 12, 2014, 5:26 pm
Dialogue with a child is important, you need to be an authority for him, and to be an authority you need to communicate, play, spend time together - do not be lazy to spend yourself on a child! Personally, for example, I also try to make timeouts, but when my children play and get very mad, they don’t obey and it’s impossible to put them on high chairs. They scream, no, I won't sit! (Children 4 years old). Then our situation goes into another plane - I say literally the following: so you don’t obey your mother? And in our family it is customary to obey. And who does not obey, loses bonuses in the form of sweets, cartoons, trips somewhere, etc. Usually the dad does the talking. So I promise to tell dad everything. After that, the children sit on a chair, or go to different rooms and quickly calm down there. Be sure to call them one by one in 5 minutes and ask, do you understand why? Once again I repeat, I explain and I myself offer to hug or kiss. In the process of explaining, I always emphasize that it is possible to PLAY, but it is important to be able to stop when mom asks: that's it, children, that's enough! And if you disobey when asked to stop, then you are punished. Everything is clear and understandable to the child. And even my two. I liked the idea with a timer, but it's also doubtful. So they think, but with a timer they will be just like Pavlov's dogs waiting for a signal. By the way, about thinking in the corner: before, when I was sending you into a corner, I said, think about your behavior. My psychologist dissuaded me from saying so. She said that small children can think of nothing in the corner, but in fact they know: I'm bad, they don't like me! Therefore, "go, calm down" are the best words.
N.I. Kozlov, August 12, 2014 5:38 pm
Maria, this particular recommendation is taken from Thomas W.Phelan, Ph.D “1-2-3 Magic. Effective Discipline for children 2-12”, specially written for Canadian parents as a guide to the most humane prevention of tantrum - a violent state in children. In Canada, strict laws have been adopted regarding the upbringing of children: children cannot only be beaten and severely punished, but even scolded, since all this is considered disrespectful to the personality of the child. The recommendations in this book are endorsed by Canadian humanistic psychologists.
Alika, August 14, 2014, 12:04 pm
It is a pity that the comments are not commented. .. the "inner child" wakes up, who is also offended that he is unattended in "such an inattentive position."
N.I. Kozlov, August 14, 2014, 13:41
Alika, please your "inner child": you have the opportunity to comment on comments!
Alika, August 14, 2014, 12:07 pm
And yet, judging by the article, our children are now constantly in a state of punishment, especially when they are over 5-6. Everything, they are no longer interesting. This is only after conception and up to three years, even the Internet is teeming with information, and then a solid "quiet chair".
Guest, May 06, 2018, 06:05 PM
I would be very grateful for your response to my question. If a child (5-6 years old) capriciously and viciously insists on his disobedience, protests against the will of his parents, and then physically resists locking him in a room, then it is risky to put him there! It could easily do worse. What will prevent him from destroying or spoiling something out of anger? Why such confidence that the child will cope with his affect so easily? That is, adults shift the responsibility for their inability to conduct relationships, simply powerlessly remove the child from the "battlefield". And then, when he paints, breaks, cuts, etc. further how?!
Kozlov Nikolai Ivanovich, May 07, 2018, 07:35
You are considering the situation of a pedagogically neglected child. If before that the parents of such a child did not in fact raise, or rather brought up aggression and tantrums in him, then a dangerous situation is really possible now. But if you do nothing, every year the situation will become even more dangerous: at 5 years old he can only damage things, at 10 years old he can hurt himself, and at fifteen he will injure his parents ... In total - if the situation is so complicated, contact specialists.
01 Oct. 2022
How to remove unwanted behavior
When the reinforcement is no longer coming, the reaction becomes less and less frequent; this process is called operant extinction. If you delay the supply of food, the pigeon will stop raising its head. In general, when we perform a behavior that no longer "does us any good," we lose the tendency to repeat it. If we have lost a fountain pen, we are less and less likely to put our hand in the pocket where it was kept. If they don't answer our phones, we eventually stop calling. If the piano is out of tune, then we play it less and less. If our radio gets too loud or the transmissions get worse, we stop listening to it.
Aug 07 2014
Mom, I'm afraid of the monster!
The child tells her mother that he is afraid, and the mother believes him and his fears - she is afraid.
May 13, 2014
Methods of raising children
The main methods of direct education are storytelling and suggestion, demonstration and explanation, teaching and accustoming.