How to properly punish your child

What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child?

Family Life

As a parent, one of your jobs to teach your child to behave. It's a job that takes time and patience. But, it helps to learn the effective and healthy discipline strategies.

Here are some tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) on the best ways to help your child learn acceptable behavior as they grow.

10 healthy discipline strategies that work

The AAP recommends positive discipline strategies that effectively teach children to manage their behavior and keep them from harm while promoting healthy development. These include:

Show and tell. Teach children right from wrong with calm words and actions. Model behaviors you would like to see in your children.
Set limits. Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in age-appropriate terms they can understand.
Give consequences. Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if they don't behave. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. Be prepared to follow through right away. Don't give in by giving them back after a few minutes. But remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.
Hear them out. Listening is important. Let your child finish the story before helping solve the problem. Watch for times when misbehavior has a pattern, like if your child is feeling jealous. Talk with your child about this rather than just giving consequences.
Give them your attention. The most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention—to reinforce good behaviors and discourage others. Remember, all children want their parent's attention.
Catch them being good. Children need to know when they do something bad--and when they do something good. Notice good behavior and point it out, praising success and good tries. Be specific (for example, "Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!").
Know when not to respond. As long as your child isn't doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behavior, ignoring bad behavior can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring bad behavior can also teach children natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before she learns not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys.
Be prepared for trouble. Plan ahead for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare them for upcoming activities and how you want them to behave.
Redirect bad behavior. Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don't know any better. Find something else for your child to do.
Call a time-out. A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is broken. This discipline tool works best by warning children they will get a time out if they don't stop, reminding them what they did wrong in as few words―and with as little emotion―as possible, and removing them from the situation for a pre-set length of time (1 minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). With children who are at least 3 years old, you can try letting their children lead their own time-out instead of setting a timer. You can just say, "Go to time out and come back when you feel ready and in control." This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well for older children and teens.

Spanking and harsh words are harmful and don't work. Here's why:

The AAP policy statement, "Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children," highlights why it's important to focus on teaching good behavior rather than punishing bad behavior. Research shows that spanking, slapping and other forms of physical punishment don't work well to correct a child's behavior. The same holds true for yelling at or shaming a child. Beyond being ineffective, harsh physical and verbal punishments can also damage a child's long-term physical and mental health.

Spanking's unhealthy cycle. The AAP advises that parents and caregivers should not spank or hit children. Instead of teaching responsibility and self-control, spanking often increases aggression and anger in children. A study of children born in 20 large U.S. cities found that families who used physical punishment got caught in a negative cycle: the more children were spanked, the more they later misbehaved, which prompted more spankings in response. Spanking's effects may also be felt beyond the parent-child relationship. Because it teaches that causing someone pain is OK if you're frustrated—even with those you love. Children who are spanked may be more likely to hit others when they don't get what they want.
Lasting marks. Physical punishment increases the risk of injury, especially in children under 18 months of age, and may leave other measurable marks on the brain and body. Children who are spanked show higher levels of hormones tied to toxic stress. Physical punishment may also affect brain development. One study found that young adults who were spanked repeatedly had less gray matter, the part of the brain involved with self-control, and performed lower on IQ tests as young adults than the control group.
Verbal abuse: How words hurt. Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame also has been found to be ineffective and harmful. Harsh verbal discipline, even by parents who are otherwise warm and loving, can lead to more misbehavior and mental health problems in children. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavior problems and symptoms of depression in teens.

Learn from mistakes—including your own

Remember that, as a parent, you can give yourself a time out if you feel out of control. Just make sure your child is in a safe place, and then give yourself a few minutes to take a few deep breaths, relax or call a friend. When you are feeling better, go back to your child, hug each other, and start over.

If you do not handle a situation well the first time, try not to worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently and try to do it the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your child a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

Healthy & effective discipline tips by age/stage

Infants	Babies learn by watching what you do, so set examples of behavior you expect. Use positive language to guide your baby. For example, say, "Time to sit," rather than, "Don't stand." Save the word, "no," for the most important issues, like safety. Limit the need to say "no" by putting dangerous or tempting objects out of reach. Distracting and replacing a dangerous or forbidden object with one that is okay to play with is a good strategy at this age. All children, including babies, need consistent discipline, so talk with your partner, family members, and child care provider to set basic rules everyone follows.
Toddlers	Your child is starting to recognize what's allowed and what isn't but may test some rules to see how you react. Pay attention to and praise behaviors you like and ignore those you want to discourage. Redirect to a different activity when needed. Tantrums can become more common as your child struggles to master new skills and situations. Anticipate tantrum triggers, like being tired or hungry, and help head them off with well-timed naps and meals. Teach your toddler not to hit, bite, or use other aggressive behaviors. Model nonviolent behavior by not spanking your toddler and by handling conflict with your partner in a constructive way. Stay consistent in enforcing limits. Try short time-outs if needed. Acknowledge conflicts between siblings but avoid taking sides. For example, if an argument arises about a toy, the toy can be put away.
Preschool Age	Preschool-age children are still trying to understand how and why things work and what effect their actions have. As they learn appropriate behavior, expect them to continue testing the limits of parents and siblings. Begin assigning age-appropriate chores, like putting their toys away. Give simple, step-by-step directions. Reward them with praise. Allow your child to make choices among acceptable alternatives, redirecting and setting sensible limits. Teach your child to treat others as she wants to be treated. Explain that it's OK to feel mad sometimes, but not to hurt someone or break things. Teach them how to deal with angry feelings in positive ways, like talking about it. To resolve conflicts, use time-outs or remove the source of conflict.
Gradeschool-Age Children	Your child is beginning to get a sense of right and wrong. Talk about the choices they have in difficult situations, what are the good and bad options, and what might come next depending on how they decide to act. Talk about family expectations and reasonable consequences for not following family rules. Provide a balance of privileges and responsibility, giving children more privileges when they follow rules of good behavior. Continue to teach and model patience, concern and respect for others. Don't let yourself or others use physical punishment. If you live in an area where corporal punishment is allowed in schools, you have the right to say that your child may not be spanked.
Adolescents & Teens	As your teen develops more independent decision-making skills, you'll need to balance your unconditional love and support with clear expectations, rules, and boundaries. Continue to show plenty of affection and attention. Make time every day to talk. Young people are more likely to make healthy choices if they stay connected with family members. Get to know your teen's friends and talk about responsible and respectful relationships. Acknowledge your teen's efforts, achievements, and success in what they do―and don't do. Praise the choice to avoid using tobacco, e-cigarettes, alcohol, or other drugs. Set a good example through your own responsible use of alcohol and other substances.

More information

15 Tips to Survive the Terrible 3's
How to Shape and Manage Your Young Child's Behavior
Disciplining Older Children
How to Give a Time-Out
Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children (AAP Policy Statement)

Last Updated: 11/5/2018

Source: American Academy of Pediatrics (Copyright © 2018)

The information contained on this Web site should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.

How to discipline your child the smart and healthy way

There comes a time when every parent struggles with how best to discipline their child. Whether dealing with a screaming toddler or an angry teen, it can be hard to control your temper. No parent wants to find themselves in such a situation and the bottom line is that shouting and physical violence never help.

Thankfully, there are other, more effective ways and one of them is positive discipline. We consulted Lucie Cluver, Oxford University professor of Child and Family Social Work and mother of two young boys, to explore how the approach can help parents build positive relationships with their children and teach skills like responsibility, cooperation and self-discipline.

There are no bad children, only bad behaviour.

Why positive discipline?

“Parents don't want to shout or hit their kids. We do it because we're stressed and don't see another way,” says Professor Cluver.

The evidence is clear: shouting and hitting simply do not work and can do more harm than good in the long run. Repeated shouting and hitting can even adversely impact a child’s entire life. The continued “toxic stress” it creates can lead to a host of negative outcomes like higher chances of school dropout, depression, drug use, suicide and heart disease.

“It’s like saying: here's this medicine, it's not going to help you and it's going to make you sick,” says Professor Cluver. “When we know something doesn't work, that's a pretty good reason to look for a different approach.”

Rather than punishment and what not to do, the positive discipline approach puts an emphasis on developing a healthy relationship with your child and setting expectations around behaviour. The good news for every parent is it works and here’s how you can start putting it into practice:

1. Plan 1-on-1 time

One-on-one time is important for building any good relationship and even more so with your children. “It can be 20 minutes a day. Or even 5 minutes. You can combine it with something like washing dishes together while you sing a song or chatting while you're hanging out the washing,” says Professor Cluver. “What's really important is that you focus on your child. So, you turn your TV off, you turn your phone off, you get to their level and it's you and them.”

2. Praise the positives

As parents we often focus on our children’s bad behaviour and call it out. Children may read this as a way to get your attention, perpetuating poor conduct rather than putting a stop to it.

Children thrive on praise. It makes them feel loved and special. “Watch out for when they're doing something good and praise them, even if that thing is just playing for five minutes with their sibling,” recommends Professor Cluver. “This can encourage good behaviour and reduce the need for discipline.”

3. Set clear expectations

“Telling your child exactly what you want them to do is much more effective than telling them what not to do,” says Professor Cluver. “When you ask a child to not make a mess, or to be good, they don't necessarily understand what they're required to do.” Clear instructions like “Please pick up all of your toys and put them in the box” set a clear expectation and increase the likelihood that they'll do what you’re asking.

“But it's important to set realistic expectations. Asking them to stay quiet for a whole day may not be as manageable as asking for 10 minutes of quiet time while you have a phone call,” says Professor Cluver. “You know what your child is capable of. But if you ask for the impossible, they are going to fail.”

4. Distract creatively

When your child is being difficult, distracting them with a more positive activity can be a useful strategy says Professor Cluver. “When you distract them towards something else – by changing the topic, introducing a game, leading them into another room, or going for a walk, you can successfully divert their energy towards positive behaviour.”

Timing is also crucial. Distraction is also about spotting when things are about to go wrong and taking action. Being mindful of when your child is starting to become fidgety, irritable or annoyed, or when two siblings are eyeing the same toy, can help diffuse a potential situation before it becomes one.

5. Use calm consequences

Part of growing up is learning that if you do something, something can happen as a result. Defining this for your child is a simple process that encourages better behaviour while teaching them about responsibility.

Give your child a chance to do the right thing by explaining the consequences of their bad behaviour. As an example, if you want your child to stop scribbling on the walls, you can tell them to stop or else you will end their play time. This provides them with a warning and an opportunity to change their behaviour.

If they don’t stop, follow through with the consequences calmly and without showing anger, “and give yourself credit for that – it’s not easy!” adds Professor Cluver.

If they do stop, give them lots of praise for it, recommends Professor Cluver. “What you are doing is creating a positive feedback loop for your child. Calm consequences have been shown to be effective for kids to learn about what happens when they behave badly.”

Being consistent is a key factor in positive parenting, which is why following through with the consequences is important. And so is making them realistic. “You can take a teenager's phone away for an hour but taking it away for a week might be difficult to follow through on.”

Engaging with younger children

One-on-one time can be fun – and it’s completely free! “You can copy their expressions, bang spoons against pots, or sing together,” adds Professor Cluver. “There’s amazing research showing that playing with your children boosts their brain development.”

Engaging with older children

Like younger children, teenagers seek praise and want to be thought of as good. One-on-one time is still important to them. “They love it if you dance around the room with them or engage in a conversation about their favourite singer,” says Professor Cluver. “They may not always show it, but they do. And, it's an effective way of building a relationship on their terms.”

While setting expectations, “ask them to help make some of the rules,” suggests Professor Cluver. “Sit them down and try to agree on the household dos and don'ts. They can also help decide what the consequences for unacceptable behaviour will be. Being involved in the process helps them know that you understand they're becoming their own independent beings.”

Advice for parents during the COVID-19 pandemic

The pandemic has brought about sudden and drastic changes in the lives of families with parents directly in the middle of it. Here are some tips that can help parents get through these and any other stressful times:

1. Pause

We all know the stress when we feel our child is being difficult. At moments like these, being present and stepping back is a simple and useful tactic. Hit the “pause button”, as Professor Cluver calls it. “Take five deep breaths, slowly and carefully and you'll notice you are able to respond in a calmer, more considered way. Parents across the world say that just taking that pause is enormously helpful.”

2. Step back

Parents often forget to care for themselves, says Professor Cluver. “Take some time for yourself, such as when the kids are asleep, to do something that makes you feel happy and calm. It's really hard to do all the things right as a parent, when you haven't given yourself a break.”

3. Praise yourself

It’s easy to forget the astonishing job you do as a parent every day and you should give yourself the credit, advises Professor Cluver. “Each day, maybe while brushing your teeth, take a moment to ask: ‘What was one thing I did really well with my kids today?’ And, just know that you did something great.”

“We might be in and out of isolation, but you are absolutely not alone,” she says. “Millions of parents across the world are all trying and we're all failing sometimes. And then we're trying again. We’ll survive this together.”

> Explore more COVID-19 parenting tips

How to properly punish a child: 10 important rules

One of the eternal questions of parents, a cause for anxiety and worry, heated discussions and disputes - should children be punished or not? And if yes, then how to do it right, so as not to harm the unstable child's psyche? And if you do not punish, then where is the guarantee that the child will not grow up as a spoiled egoist, ready at any moment to sit on the neck of kind-hearted parents and turn into a real tormentor? About this "Oh!" said family psychotherapist and clinical psychologist Maria Merolaeva. nine0003

Maria Merolaeva, clinical psychologist, family psychotherapist

Some parents believe that a child is a source of sins and vices, it is necessary to punish him, using physical force, not sparing, otherwise nothing good will grow out of him. As a rule, they defend their position by saying that “we were beaten in childhood, and we grew up to be good people”, citing as an example those who grew up “not very”, which means, most likely, “they beat us a little”. The meaning of such a model of education is to subordinate the will of the child to himself, "so that he does not do stupid things." nine0003

The other extreme is to avoid any punishment, justifying it by saying that the child is “small, he just doesn’t understand what he is doing, he doesn’t do it on purpose, you just need to be able to negotiate with him” and so on. Thus, parents, without noticing it themselves, remove responsibility from their child. This model has become widespread in connection with the growth of the "value of the child" and denies the very idea of \u200b\u200bthe family hierarchy.

In fact, neither the first nor the second option is allowed. It is impossible to use physical and moral violence (to threaten, not to talk, blackmail, shout) to a child in any case. Of course, there are cases when a parent, under the influence of emotions, loses control and can spank or raise his voice, but deliberately making a child suffer means not leaving him a chance to develop such feelings as compassion, regret, not giving him the opportunity to realize that he is important and expensive. nine0003

Most often, parents leave the child completely unpunished, who are afraid of offending him, harming him, perhaps giving in to children's tantrums and anger, trying by any means to minimize their manifestations, or in the case of pedagogical neglect, when there is simply no strength to educate and it is easier to be allowed to do whatever you want than to try to change the behavior of the baby.

To figure out how to punish a child in a way that makes sense, you need to understand what punishment is, what is its purpose? What do we as parents want to achieve by punishing our children? nine0003

Etymologically, the word "punishment" comes from the verb "to show" - that is, to instruct, show. Then it is logical that "punishment" is something that we use to direct the child on the right path, to outline for him the boundaries of what is permitted. As a rule, when punishing, we want the best for our children - so that they understand what is good and what is bad, grow up as "real", "worthy" people, do not make irreparable mistakes in their lives, become better than us.

Then the next question is: what should be the punishment for the child to really realize that he did wrong, learn from what happened and learn from the experience? Will we achieve these lofty goals by raising a child with the help of carrots and sticks? Of course not. The only thing we can teach with such methods is to be afraid of punishments and parents, to try to earn encouragement, rewards - and all this without really thinking about what happened.

In order for punishment to be useful, and not just a way to relieve an upset, tired, helpless parent, the following rules must be observed:

The main rule stems from the basic need that every child has - the need for affection. A parent for a child is, first of all, a source of protection, children need the care of a strong and responsible adult who is a priori higher and dominates, but not in order to subjugate and oppress, but in order to help and protect. When a secure attachment is formed, a very close bond is established between the child and the parent, which greatly simplifies the interaction and makes the baby obedient. When punishing a child, it is important to maintain a respectful attitude towards him. nine0003
In order for the lesson to be learned, the child, first of all, must understand, realize what he is wrong about, feel the consequences of his misconduct. And these consequences are not the belt or the cry of an angry parent, not the deprivation of sweets or the prohibition to leave the house. It is something that follows directly from what has been done. For example, if you were late home and didn’t call, it means that you don’t know how to plan your time and it’s too early for you to go out in the evenings with friends. You scream and cry on the playground or in the store - I'm very sorry, but it spoils my mood so much that now I don't want to continue the walk anymore and we will have to return home. If you didn’t do your homework on time, then you have to do it before going to bed instead of a cartoon or evening reading. If you offended someone and did not apologize, then they will no longer want to play with you. The essence of this method is that for every action the child receives a response from life itself. This helps him gain an orientation in how the world works. It is this tactic that teaches children to anticipate the consequences of their actions in the future, to feel regret for what turned out badly. nine0003
Under no circumstances should a child have doubts that his parents love him for who he is. He must understand that he will be accepted regardless of his actions. That is why when punishing, it is important to focus on the offense, and not on the personality characteristics of the child. If, for example, a kid, while playing with food, spills soup, you should not tell him that he is a "blunder" - just explain why his act is bad and offer him a cleaning rag to consolidate the experience gained. nine0003
When punishing a child, focus on staying in an adult position. If at the moment of a conversation with a child the parent feels irritation or despair, this means that he has been knocked out of the position of an adult. This often happens when children's tears, whims and tantrums awaken the inner child in us - then we become helpless. In this case, you should ask yourself the question "How old am I now?", step aside, cool down a bit and only after that return to the conversation. For example, in a situation where a child refuses to turn off the TV, but a large number of cartoons is definitely not good for him, a mother from an adult position can say this: “I'm sorry, but I can't let you watch the second cartoon, because if you watch two in a row, then you have a tantrum, and everyone’s mood deteriorates. ” nine0003
Be consistent, consistent and predictable in your demands and reactions. This means that within the family there must be some unified concept of what is possible, what is not, what is good and what is bad. The child must be initiated into the nuances of this concept and firmly know what he can be punished for. At the same time, the way the parents react should not depend on the mood, the weather outside the window and the time of year. For example, if a mother in a good mood asks a child to turn off the TV, and he starts to act up and does not turn it off, she, smiling, allows him to continue. But in the same situation, if the mother is in a bad mood, she starts to quarrel, scream and most likely punish the baby. In this state of affairs, the child is simply not able to learn what he can and cannot do. nine0003
It is very important to use so-called "temporary" language, rather than permanent language, when talking to a child about bad behavior. For example, “You just broke a toy, now you have to play without it for a while” instead of saying “You always break everything! I will never buy you toys again. ” Using words such as “never, never, to anyone,” you risk not fulfilling this promise and losing trust.
Punishment must be age-appropriate. It is useless to try to explain something and give lectures to a two-year-old kid, because he is simply not able to learn what you are telling him about and cannot concentrate voluntary attention for more than five minutes. In the same way, it does not make sense as a punishment to forbid a teenager to eat sweets. nine0003
Punishment must be just and proportionate to the seriousness of the act.
In no case should you frighten and intimidate a child - this is a sure way to teach him to lie and get out.
Always, under any circumstances, remember the greatest value that we have - the emotional connection with the child. After all, if you think about it, it becomes obvious that not a single spoiled sofa or a bad mark at school, an extra 30 minutes at the computer or a lost phone is worth breaking this connection, darkening the image of the inner parent that each of us hears somewhere in soul when it needs protection, support, love and acceptance. nine0003

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For parents. Principles and rules of punishment

Home / Outside of studies / Psychological service / For parents. Principles and rules of punishment

Parents must determine for themselves what they want and do not want to see in their child's behavior. And he, in turn, must also know what is acceptable in his actions and what is not. Only under this condition will the punishment be perceived as fair. There should not be too many rules, and they should be clear to your child. Then they will be easy to follow.
The child must understand why he is punished. First, talk to him, recall the rules that were established and which he violated, tell what his actions and deeds led to punishment, and be sure to listen to his explanations. If at this moment he is in a state of anger, irritation, for example, when he had a fight with someone, was very offended by someone and shows aggression, stop him, try to keep him, do not let him act. Only when he calms down a bit, you can talk to him. nine0028
You must not humiliate a child, use negative epithets and insults: “You will never make a normal person”, “Your hands do not grow from there”, “You are the same as your father”, “Why did I give birth to you”, etc. . It is necessary to evaluate not the personality of the child, but only his offense. After all, there is a fairly constructive and effective way of expressing your dissatisfaction, while telling what emotional response they evoked in you, this is called “I-statement”: “Today it hurts me a lot because you offended my grandmother”, “I am upset with your behavior in a technical school, and I was very ashamed to hear from the teachers about you and your behavior. nine0028
And in general, try to talk with your children as often as possible, at every opportunity, place emphasis on what is happening, discuss daily events, his actions.
When punishing a child, do not shout, do not get angry: you cannot punish when you are in a fit of anger, irritated when the child has fallen "under a hot hand." It is better to cool down yourself, calm down and only then punish the child.
The defiant, demonstrative behavior of the child, obvious disobedience must be answered confidently and decisively. You need to be ready for this and firmly make demands that would limit such behavior. This should not be ignored. He must realize that this is unacceptable. nine0028
In the family there must be a unity of views on the process of raising and punishing a child. All adults should have the same requirements for the child. If something is impossible, then it really is impossible. And if one parent forbids something and punishes for it, and the other allows it, then very quickly he learns to manipulate adults.
We need your consistency in actions, and not the banal punishment of the child from case to case. It is impossible to punish today for some kind of misconduct, and tomorrow, when mom will have no time, do not pay attention to the same thing. If so, over time, your prohibitions will not be taken seriously. nine0028
It is not necessary to punish a child twice for the same offense. When punishing children, do not remember past misconduct, remember that you are punishing for a specific act that was committed right now.
With any punishment, the child must not be deprived of the satisfaction of his physiological and biological needs (for example, to deprive him of sleep, food).
Some parents, when punishing their child for some misdeeds, use as a punishment a reinforced “outfit” in the kitchen, additional classes in some academic subject. But this is not desirable. Firstly, it can develop a stereotype in children that work is a punishment. And secondly, it will form a negative attitude towards this type of activity. nine0028
With any punishment, the child must be sure that he is still loved, and even being punished, he is not left without parental love.
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