How to parent child with aspergers
Raising a Child With Asperger’s Syndrome
It takes patience, structure, and sometimes a special dog to raise a child with Asperger’s.
Written by Mary Walsh
- Diagnosing Asperger’s Syndrome
- Asperger’s and OCD
I began noticing something was different about my son, Matthew, when he was about two years old. He didn’t make good eye contact. Noise bothered him. He had trouble with some of his motor skills, such as using a spoon.
He was also having a tough time at day care. He’d cry when I dropped him off. He couldn’t relate to other kids. He would get bothered if toys got out of order. And he clapped a lot, more than normal. When I look back at pictures of him at that age, he looked really sad, really serious. My husband and I thought that was just the way he was, that he would grow out of these behaviors. But he didn’t. The behaviors got worse.
Diagnosing Asperger’s Syndrome
Finally in January 2005 -- when he was about to turn 3 -- his preschool teachers told us they were concerned about his lack of sociability and obsessive tendencies. Our pediatrician reviewed the preschool’s notes and said that just one symptom isn’t unusual, but several point to something more serious. Then she mentioned Asperger’s syndrome. I had no clue what that was. But after a pediatrician who specializes in developmental problems evaluated Matthew, the diagnosis was confirmed.
Asperger’s is similar to autism, with some differences. Autistic kids often have delayed speech, for instance, while the speech of children with Asperger’s tends to develop normally. But children with Asperger’s have trouble with “expressive language,” as well as with empathy and reading social cues.
Asperger’s and OCD
Many children with Asperger’s also develop obsessive interests. That explains why Matthew started focusing on garbage at an early age. He knows more about it than most people who work for garbage companies. Asperger’s sometimes has other components of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), too. Matthew feels a need to shut doors and push in chairs.
He gets very upset when his routine changes. Plus he has anxiety and anger management problems. That’s why he claps: It helps him organize himself when he’s upset.
But to some extent, Asperger’s and OCD are just labels. What’s most important is figuring out how best to help him. So we try a lot of different things: reducing the triggers for his aggressive behavior, occupational and physical therapy, a very routine schedule, medications, and finding friends who will be good role models for him. Last year, we also bought him a golden retriever puppy named Tiger. It’s been helping him develop social skills -- Matthew can talk to Tiger, play with Tiger, tell Tiger he loves him. It’s good practice for relating to people.
Asperger’s is not insurmountable. It’s not the kiss of death. Matthew’s a very bright child, but his wiring is different. That’s all.
How to Parent a Child with Aspergers
You’ve just received a diagnosis for your child: Autism Spectrum Disorder Level One, formerly known as Asperger’s Syndrome.
Where do you go from here? Read on for helpful tips and tricks on parenting a child with Asperger’s:
- Notice your child’s special interests: Nearly every child with Asperger’s has one or more “special” interests, i.e. a topic that fascinates him or her extensively. For example, outer space, dinosaurs, Harry Potter, animal science…the possibilities are endless! Make a note of your child’s special interests and take an interest in them too! This is a powerful way to bond with your child and to make the world a less scary place to explore. The dentist’s office will be less intimidating if your child has their favorite dinosaur stuffed animal in tow. Be sure to really learn your stuff about their special interest; your child is the expert and will know if you are faking! Better yet, let your child help you become an expert too. Allowing them to teach you is a great way to improve self-confidence!
- Prepare the environment: Children with Asperger’s like routine and order in their day.
Posting a daily schedule, a visual morning and evening routine, and to-do lists with checkmarks are all great ways to organize your child’s environment in a predictable way. Sensory overload is also a real concern. Limiting unnecessary noise, smells, and visual distractions in your child’s home can go a long way for reducing frustrations and meltdowns. - Look for the emotion behind the behavior: When a child with Asperger’s “lashes out” (meltdowns, shouting, whining, punching, etc.) it’s understandably easy to get caught up in the behavior of the outburst. The behavior should not be ignored and setting behavioral limits with consequences is appropriate. However, if the emotion behind the outburst is ignored, the behavioral pattern will only continue. Are they refusing to do their homework because they hate math problems or are they feeling embarrassed because they don’t understand the concepts? Are they screaming because they want to stay home and watch cartoons or are they scared to go to school because of a new teacher? It is important for caregivers to distinguish between children’s feelings and actions because they are often very different; address the underlying feeling to alter the behavior.
- Slowly teach independence: As a parent, it feels good to be needed. Knowing that you can make your child’s sandwich in that special way they like with extra peanut butter and no crusts feels great. But eventually, all children must take on self-responsibility and independence. Children with Asperger’s are no different. When your child shows interest that they are ready to take on a tad bit more responsibility, teach them little by little. It might take several tries and many hiccups along the way, but eventually, they will feel proud of what they have accomplished. Many children with Asperger’s won’t take on new life skills unless pushed and that’s where you come in as a parent.
These are just a few helpful suggestions for parenting a child with Asperger’s. If you need support, be sure to contact Dandelion Family Counseling to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists today!
We recommend reading Asperkids: An Insider’s Guide to Loving, Understanding and Teaching Children with Asperger Syndrome by O’Toole for more information!
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Michael John Carley on how to raise a child with Asperger's Syndrome
10/21/12
Executive Director of GRASP, the largest organization that brings together people on the autism spectrum. He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2000, at the same time as his four-year-old son.
Translation: Elizaveta Morozova
Source: Graspfiles.org
The best definition of Asperger's Syndrome (AS) I've ever heard came from a five year old boy. When Dylan Braxton Hamilton had his annual check-up with the doctor, the doctor joked about little Dylan having Asperger's (they had a good enough relationship for that). "I don't even know what's wrong with you! the doctor said. “You just have too many wires!” "No doctor," Dylan replied. “My problem is that my wires have poor insulation.”
GRASP (The Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership) is the largest organization that brings together people with Asperger's syndrome.
The main goal of GRASP is to improve the lives of children and adolescents with autism and Asperger's Syndrome. GRASP conducts workshops and presentations to the public, offers special school programs to help pupils and students with autism learn communication skills and believe in themselves. GRASP has established a network of regional support groups in the US and Canada. In addition, GRASP's chief executive and half of the board of directors are people with autism spectrum disorders.
Painful experiences are part of life, whether or not we are on the autism spectrum. However, we on the spectrum are likely to experience them much more frequently. We perceive other people's signals incorrectly, we give signals that are perceived incorrectly. Before we became adults, we were yelled at countless times for no reason. And with each new oversight, our discomfort grows, we begin to wonder what other false interpretation is waiting for us around the corner. We know that the ill-fated banana peel is somewhere, we just do not know at what specific moment we will slip on it, and how hard the fall will be this time.
When we were children, deep down we knew very well that our relationships with peers were different from those of other children. Many of us have dealt with this problem by holding on to the adults in our lives, grabbing them like lifelines, and therefore needing their approval more and more. In short, children on the spectrum very often have an obsessive desire to please everyone. This can be both a blessing and a curse. To use the analogy of a half-full and half-empty glass, "wants to please" has a different interpretation - "absolutely cannot stand rejection", which will become another source of pain.
One of the keys to our success as adults on the spectrum is to reduce our response to criticism, ridicule and injustice, as opposed to simply emphasizing criticism, ridicule and injustice...and so on. And as much as I like to talk about the fact that the rest of the world must change, but, as they say, the change must begin within us. We must learn not to react to such things, because before that we were too thin-skinned.
It is very likely that the person with Asperger's was brought up in a more or less protected environment, with parents and loved ones who felt that we were at increased risk - physical, mental and emotional. Out of love and sincere concern, they surrounded us with protective walls that we really needed. Unfortunately, those parents who did the best job of protecting us as children are often the ones who hinder our development of self-sufficiency and independence and never let us go so that we can go beyond our abilities.
In our society, we are taught to perceive any failure as something extremely negative. And at the same time, failure is something that a person on the spectrum must experience very often in order to mature and become a well-functioning person. We are so often afraid of failure that we “forget” that no one succeeds the first time. To succeed, we must repeatedly do "it" wrong. No one stays at their first job - be it a neurotypical or a spectromite - and certainly no one will be a good lover on their first time, right? We can only improve results if we keep trying, through practice and perseverance.
And our success depends on a healthy view of the good and bad aspects of our efforts, which in our case means more and more indifference to other people's criticism.
Neurotypical people (neurotypicals) is a term that was coined by the autism community to refer to people who do not have autism. The National Autism Society of Great Britain recommends that the term be used in the media.
And as we forge our adult lives, we need to feel braver than anyone else. And as hard as it is for me to say, we need to get tougher.
In our past, when people tried to "harden" us, it resulted in insult at best and permanent injury at worst. It seems to me that the problem is not so much with this goal, but with how it is usually implemented. The whole point is that we receive instructions rather than criticism.
I grew up in the 70s when no one knew I had Asperger's and got the most out of two very different worlds. After spending a few years in an absolutely terrible (for me) institution, I started going to a school run by very progressive guys - some might call them hippies.
They didn't hurt me in the name of the proverbial character building. And on the home front, I had the legacy of a father who was a pilot in the Navy, which helped me not to whine and develop self-sufficiency and responsibility. Obviously, these two worlds were often at odds with each other, but they also emphasized the importance of being responsible for each other.
Are there any effective methods to make your skin insensitive to the miserable attacks of the world (or help the person of the spectrum you love to do this)? There are many ways, you just need to get creative.
1. Travel, train and travel again.
The benefits of travel are many and varied, but often people underestimate the most amazing aspect of travel - starting with a clean slate! Whether it's a vacation or moving to a new city, it's an opportunity to reinvent yourself, to try new things, because no one here knows about your past mistakes. Every time you travel, you start from scratch, from a fresh start.
In unfamiliar surroundings, you can acquire strength that will manifest itself in all other areas of your life.
2. If you are a parent or teacher, teach your child realistic things.
Make sure your child's curriculum is functional and meets the practical requirements of real life. This is a very common mistake of neurotypical adults - they think that an autistic person's unrealistic perception of the world is due only to his diagnosis. No matter how. The clinical world is feeding our children inadequate behavioral strategies. For example:
- Most social skills courses are great at teaching specific skills, such as "how to shake hands with your neighbor," but they fail (if they ever aim to do so) in explaining the meaning of certain social actions. Hopefully this will change soon as adult social skills courses are being developed, but for now, take note.
- In his lectures on sexuality, GRASP board member and president of the Organization for Autism Research, Dr.
Peter Gerhardt, often quotes from a lawsuit he was involved in. A young autistic man walked around the store asking women, "Can I touch your breasts?" and "Can I touch your vagina?" This young man, now facing serious allegations of sexual harassment, was simply doing what he was taught in his sex education classes - if he wants to touch someone, he needs to ask about it. Even if he is acquitted, one can only imagine what it will do to his self-confidence and self-esteem... and all because no one has taught him social skills applicable in real life.
Peter Gerhardt PhD, Director of Education at New York's McCarton School, an intensive educational program for children, teens and young adults with autism. He has authored and co-authored numerous articles and book chapters addressing the needs of people with autism spectrum disorders.
3. Teach your children to pretend everything is okay.
A man once said to me, "Pretend you're right here.
" He wanted to insult me, but I took it as a constructive suggestion. And it worked! This is the perfect phrase to remind myself what to do when I feel on a different organic level than everyone around me.
4. Talk about the good, the bad, and the terrible.
Explain petty nagging and what contempt looks like. Teach that it's okay if someone doesn't like you, or if someone doesn't share your views. You may find that with this newfound freedom, you or your child will have trouble respecting authority, which may require further behavior modification. Accept the consequences, because in the long run it is much better than teaching a child to interact with the world around him as if he were surrounded by his own personal jailers.
5. Make "So what" part of your everyday vocabulary.
Encourage the person on the spectrum to say "well" and "what" together. It will seem a little strange at first, especially for older children and adults. He/she may think that you are offering some cheap self-help trick, but try again.
You may find that the reason for your discomfort is that you say this phrase too rarely, that you do not feel entitled to say so. In the course of time, I hope (and I hope you do) that giving up the obligation to please everyone in this way will bring about extraordinary liberation for the individual.
Albert Einstein himself, the top prize among would-be celebrities on the spectrum, said something along these lines. In his diaries, which were discovered in 2004, he quoted his conversation with Miss Fantova (a former mistress) about his contemporary Robert Oppenheimer. Einstein was upset that his friend took his critics so seriously and said, “Oppenheimer is not a gypsy like me. I have skin like an elephant since birth, no one can offend me. Criticism flows off me like water off a duck's back.
Albert Einstein - Some believe that Albert Einstein had Asperger's Syndrome. Einstein spoke late, was a lonely child, often threw tantrums, silently repeated previously spoken sentences, was distinguished by high intelligence and a pronounced interest in one topic - stereotypical symptoms for a person with this syndrome.
It has been many years since Dylan explained his Asperger syndrome to his family doctor. Now he is about to become a man, and I sincerely hope that all this time he has been improving the insulation of his amazing wires.
Parenting with Autism, POV, Asperger's Syndrome
How not to give up when your child has Asperger's Syndrome
The mother of a special child wrote a book that shares her experience and gives practical advice to other parents
"When I sat in your tummy, you had two hearts: one loved me, the second worked for me, ”a boy with Asperger’s Syndrome once said to his mother. This mother's name is Ekaterina Ivitskaya. She is a programmer by profession, but she became a real teacher for her son and wrote a book about it to inspire other parents to fight for their children.
Asperger's Syndrome is one of the autism spectrum disorders (ASD), sometimes referred to as high-functioning autism. The syndrome was named after the Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger: in 1944, he observed four children who had difficulties with social integration.
Their intelligence seemed normal, but the children lacked nonverbal communication skills, lacked empathy for peers, and were physically clumsy. Their speech was difficult or overly formal, and as a rule they were interested in one single topic.
Syndrome symptoms
- Child rarely interacts with others or behaves inappropriately in social situations;
- "robot-like" speech or speech repetitions;
- below average non-verbal communication skills, while verbal communication skills are average or above average;
- a tendency to talk about oneself rather than about others;
- inability to understand topics or phrases that are considered common knowledge;
- insufficient eye contact or exchange of remarks during a conversation;
- obsession with specific and unusual topics;
- awkward movements and/or mannerisms.
Asperger's syndrome is rarely diagnosed before school age because it is at school that the social interactions that are difficult for children with the syndrome arise.
This happened with Maxim Ivitsky.
Amazing abilities and strange behavior
For the first time, Maxim was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder at the age of 4, but his parents did not pay much attention to this. The child did not look like a person with autism in the usual sense: he did not avert his eyes, communicated, talked. He loved mathematics very much, but many children love mathematics - this is how parents reassured themselves.
True, later Maxim's mother, Ekaterina Ivitskaya, will tell in her book about what looked amazing even for close relatives. The boy learned to operate with numbers at 2.5 years old, and to speak on everyday topics only at 4. At 5 years old, he described the nature of electromagnetic radiation to amazed grandparents, quoting from memory a cartoon for little know-it-alls.
The second time I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome was when Maxim was 7.5 years old and was already in school (the family lives in Latvia). Giving the child to the first grade, the parents could not even think that the boy, who is so passionate about mathematics, would have serious problems.
“Any step away from the process that Maxim built in his head led to an explosion of emotions,” says Ekaterina. Any step could be a misspelled letter or a lost pen cap. The son, who happily went to school on September 1, before our eyes turned into a child "who is not interested in anything."
Why didn't the parents listen to the doctors when Maxim was 4 years old? Then he attended a special speech therapy group in kindergarten, which was a real "greenhouse" for him. There were few children there, no workload, his mathematical talents were recognized there. “There were no irritants that would drive him into a corner,” explains Ekaterina.
At school, irritants appeared: peers and teachers who did not understand the reasons for Maxim's strange behavior, his tantrums. They did not understand why, with all his knowledge and passion for mathematics, he could not learn to write accurately, lagged behind in all subjects.
Mathematics lessons as a way to maintain interest in the world
The diagnosis was finally made when Maxim began to limp in mathematics.
Ekaterina writes that mathematics for her son is the main way of perceiving the world. His main question is not “what”, but “how much”. Maxim is only interested in what is connected with numbers, and what can be counted. Ekaterina regularly worked with her son from the moment he showed interest in numbers.
Subsequently, experts said that it was thanks to daily activities that he did not go deep into the autism spectrum. When mom stopped classes, relying on school, Maxim lost interest in classes; “disgusting behavior and withdrawal into oneself” set in.
To remedy the situation, the psychologist advised Ivitsky to transfer Maxim to individual tutoring in mathematics, because it was with the teacher in his favorite subject that the boy did not find a common language. For the teacher, the main thing was the observance of formal requirements, and not the correct answer.
Ekaterina again became her son's teacher, although for this she has to take math lessons herself: “Maxim's brain constantly needs new information.
And if you don't give it, he regresses."
Struggle for motivation and love
Asperger's syndrome changes not only the perception of reality, but also motivation. For Maxim, motivation is important at every lesson - without it, he also begins to withdraw into himself.
From the very beginning, he was ready to learn new skills outside of mathematics and numbers only for a reward, even if virtual, in the form of points. As a result, there was a danger that the result would become more important than the process, and everything except the reward would cease to make sense. Therefore, Catherine dosed awards - they were issued for a certain stage of work or its completion.
Sports activities
The Ivitskys' experience in teaching their son to sports is interesting. They just imply both work on oneself and an elusive result. But for the boy, interaction with the coach was also important. Children with Asperger's Syndrome have a peculiarity - it is almost impossible to force them to do something against their will.
Maxim did not want to obey strict requirements or stopped working after the next stage, which was celebrated as an achievement.
“Probably, then for the first time my dreams about the achievements of a child were shattered,” writes Ekaterina. — It was necessary to forget about what my ambitions want, and learn to really look at the desires of my son. More precisely, on unwillingness. Since then, Maxim has been engaged in sports only for the sake of pleasure and inspiration from the process.
Finding motivation
Maxim did not want to sleep during the day during the holidays, and his younger brother needed daytime sleep. In order for this time to pass for the elder with benefit, and for the younger in silence, Ekaterina allowed Maxim to turn on the computer. But instead of a game, she put a tutorial on one of the programming languages for children. As a result, the boy who wanted to become a programmer wrote his first program.
It took a long time for Mom to teach Maxim how to fold his clothes.
Maxim did not react to requests (including emotional ones). Finally, Ekaterina came up with a good move: for those who neatly fold their clothes on a chair in the evening, a gnome (bunny, hedgehog, cat) brings candy in the morning. And if the clothes are not neatly folded, then there will be no candy.
At the same time, the reward does not always have to be material, especially when it comes to relationships. Over time, the family managed to convince Maxim (with the help of conversations) of the need to help his parents. He has several household chores: throw out the garbage, bring heavy bags from the store, and in response to hear the gratitude of the elders.
Ways of expressing feelings
People with Asperger's syndrome are said to be "active but strange", interacting with others, but communication comes out rather clumsy, awkward. But Ekaterina came up with a way to convey her feelings to her son.
“No matter how much you love your child in your thoughts, he needs to talk about feelings out loud as often as possible.
I started saying the phrase "I love you" from the moment Maxim began to understand speech. But this phrase did not receive any response ... Attempts to discuss this topic did not bring any results, until I accidentally formulated it differently after reading another mathematical book: “I love you endlessly!” It lit up instantly. Because the abstract “love” cannot be measured. And the meaning of infinity is something that he could well understand. “And I love you endlessly!” he answered me, focusing precisely on the immensity of his feelings.”
Working principles of training and development
Ekaterina Ivitskaya formulates her principles of training and development of her son as follows:
- any event/activity/lesson should have a tangible goal;
- more math for everyone.
Probably other children with Asperger's syndrome will have other areas of knowledge instead of math in this list.
“This book is not a guide to raising a child with Asperger's,” warns Ekaterina.
