How to overcome being bullied as a child

Bullying and Trauma | StopBullying.gov

Bullying can have lasting impacts on everyone involved: the person being bullied; bystanders who witness the bullying; and the person who bullies others. In fact, bullying is considered an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE). ACEs are potentially traumatic events that can have negative, lasting effects on a person's development, the way they interact with others, and how they perform in school. Research has shown that children reporting more ACEs may be more likely to exhibit bullying behavior.

Understanding Trauma

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) defines trauma as a result of an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that an individual experiences as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening. These experiences can have lasting adverse effects on a person's mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual wellbeing.

Childhood traumatic stress occurs when traumatic events overwhelm a child's or teenager's ability to cope, such as:

Neglect and psychological, physical, or sexual abuse
Domestic violence or intimate partner violence
Community and school violence (including bullying)
Natural disasters
Terrorism, war, and refugee experiences
Serious accidents, life-threatening illness, or sudden or violent loss of a loved one
Military family-related stressors, such as parental deployment, loss, or injury

While each child may react differently to trauma, parents, caretakers, and teachers may be able to recognize some signs of traumatic stress. For example, preschool children may have nightmares or fear of separation. Elementary school children may feel shame or anxiety, or have trouble concentrating. Kids in middle and high school may show signs of depression or engage in self-harm behaviors. Child trauma survivors are more likely to have academic problems and increased involvement with the child welfare and juvenile justice systems.

The Connection between Bullying and Traumatic Stress

Every individual is different and incidents that traumatize one person may not affect another. As stated by the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN), children or teens who have been exposed to trauma and violence may be more likely to bully others and be bullied.

Some children who experience trauma and bullying may have strong feelings of distress, while other children may appear desensitized. As an example, a study on bullying and post-traumatic stress found that some children may repress their thoughts or feelings about what took place. This can lead to numbness or loss of interest in activities. This study also found that children may experience intrusive thoughts, such as sudden flashbacks of their bullying experience. It is important that caregivers understand how to respond to bullying and are sensitive to possible traumatic stress.

What Helps After Trauma from Bullying

Parents, teachers, and other trusted adults can help children or teens who experience traumatic stress from bullying. According to NCTSN's Effective Treatments for Youth Trauma, some approaches that help children and teenagers who have experienced trauma, including bullying, are:

Ensuring the child or teen is safe and seek ways to prevent future bullying experiences
Talking through what happened and why, to help clear up misconceptions about their role in the traumatic event
Teaching stress management and relaxation techniques, to help them cope

Some children and teenagers may also need professional help to treat stress related from bullying and/or other traumatic experiences. Healthcare providers can make referrals for treatment.

How Schools and Teachers Can Help

Schools can adopt a trauma-informed approach, by training teachers and staff skills to handle and recognize traumatic stress or other signs of trauma. These skills allow teachers to help or find other supports and services for students in need.

Resources like the Trauma-Sensitive Schools Training Package from The National Center on Safe Supportive Learning Environments (NCSSLE) may help schools adopt trauma-informed approaches to create safe and supportive learning environments. These include:

Educating school staff about trauma and its effects
Promoting physical and emotional safety in relationships and the environment
Reducing trauma-related triggers in the school environment
Considering trauma in all assessment and protocol behavior plans
Ensuring students and families have voice, choice, and empowerment

By adopting trauma-informed approaches, schools can help prevent bullying and trauma at school, and provide a positive school culture for both students and staff.

Parents, caregivers, teachers, and schools all play an important role in preventing and addressing bullying and its harmful effects.

What Kids Can Do | StopBullying.gov

Are you being bullied? Do you see bullying at your school? There are things you can do to keep yourself and the kids you know safe from bullying.

Treat Everyone with Respect
What to Do If You’re Bullied
Protect Yourself from Cyberbullying
Stand Up for Others
Get Involved

Treat Everyone with Respect

Nobody should be mean to others.

Stop and think before you say or do something that could hurt someone.
If you feel like being mean to someone, find something else to do. Play a game, watch TV, or talk to a friend.
Talk to an adult you trust. They can help you find ways to be nicer to others.
Keep in mind that everyone is different. Not better or worse. Just different.
If you think you have bullied someone in the past, apologize. Everyone feels better.

What to Do If You’re Bullied

There are things you can do if you are being bullied:

Look at the kid bullying you and tell him or her to stop in a calm, clear voice. You can also try to laugh it off. This works best if joking is easy for you. It could catch the kid bullying you off guard.
If speaking up seems too hard or not safe, walk away and stay away. Don’t fight back. Find an adult to stop the bullying on the spot.

There are things you can do to stay safe in the future, too.

Talk to an adult you trust. Don’t keep your feelings inside. Telling someone can help you feel less alone. They can help you make a plan to stop the bullying.
Stay away from places where bullying happens.
Stay near adults and other kids. Most bullying happens when adults aren’t around.

Protect Yourself from Cyberbullying

Bullying does not always happen in person. Cyberbullying is a type of bullying that happens online or through text messages or emails. There are things you can do to protect yourself.

Always think about what you post. You never know what someone will forward. Being kind to others online will help to keep you safe. Do not share anything that could hurt or embarrass anyone.
Keep your password a secret from other kids. Even kids that seem like friends could give your password away or use it in ways you don’t want. Let your parents have your passwords.
Think about who sees what you post online. Complete strangers? Friends? Friends of friends? Privacy settings let you control who sees what.
Keep your parents in the loop. Tell them what you’re doing online and who you’re doing it with. Let them friend or follow you. Listen to what they have to say about what is and isn’t okay to do. They care about you and want you to be safe.
Talk to an adult you trust about any messages you get or things you see online that make you sad or scared. If it is cyberbullying, report it.

Stand Up for Others

When you see bullying, there are safe things you can do to make it stop.

Talk to a parent, teacher, or another adult you trust. Adults need to know when bad things happen so they can help.
Be kind to the kid being bullied. Show them that you care by trying to include them. Sit with them at lunch or on the bus, talk to them at school, or invite them to do something. Just hanging out with them will help them know they aren’t alone.

Not saying anything could make it worse for everyone. The kid who is bullying will think it is ok to keep treating others that way.

Get Involved

You can be a leader in preventing bullying in your community.

Find out more about where and when bullying happens at your school. Think about what could help. Then, share your ideas. There is a good chance that adults don’t know all of what happens. Your friends can go with you to talk to a teacher, counselor, coach, or parent and can add what they think.
Talk to the principal about getting involved at school. Schools sometimes give students a voice in programs to stop bullying. Be on a school safety committee. Create posters for your school about bullying. Be a role model for younger kids.
Write a blog, letter to the editor of your local newspaper, or tweet about bullying.

Bullying: get out of the role of “victim”

31,483

Parents Teenagers

A helpless victim in our society does not always arouse sympathy. The weakness of the child, his humiliation can cause contempt and rejection among his peers. In adolescence, a negative attitude towards the victim of school violence often appears on the basis of the principle "it's his own fault, he cannot fight back. "

The child experiences in this situation complete helplessness, hopelessness, hopelessness. He is possessed by fear of meeting with offenders, of new torments and bullying, shame for his helplessness and humiliation. The child-victim is also often characterized by self-blame and justification of the behavior of the aggressor.

Can a child independently protect himself in a situation of bullying, solve his internal psychological problems, the problems of the environment that has formed an environment favorable for violence, and emerge as a happy winner? This is usually only possible with the help of adults.

Who is more likely to be bullied at school?

The formation of stereotypes of the “victim” behavior is influenced by such factors as a long-term traumatic situation, domestic and sexual violence, upbringing aimed at suppressing the personality, and chronic diseases.

A child with developed stereotyped behavior of a “victim” accepts violence against himself as an everyday situation, including by his behavior creates conditions conducive to “disinhibition” of the aggressor.

The victims of bullying are usually anxious, socially vulnerable, silent and reserved children. They are fearful, sensitive, withdrawn and shy, insecure, unhappy, prone to depression and suicidal thoughts, lonely, have difficulty getting along with peers and communicate more easily with adults.

If they are boys, they may be physically weaker than their peers and more sensitive than other boys, with low self-esteem and self-esteem. Such children are vulnerable and cannot stand up for themselves.

For children who did not attend kindergartens, were on individual education, it is more difficult to establish healthy relationships at school

Most often, these character traits are formed on the basis of signs that distinguish them from the general mass of their peers. The reason for rejection may be ethnic or cultural affiliation, sexual orientation, belonging to a particular religious denomination, social status or other differences.

Children with developmental disabilities and visible anatomical defects are often bullied. A child's problems such as stuttering, enuresis, poor eyesight, and the need to wear glasses all the time can make him vulnerable. Skin color, being too tall or short, or other physical features can also be grounds for bullying at school.

Children who did not attend kindergartens rarely spent time with their peers in children's groups, were on individual upbringing, training, it is more difficult to establish healthy relationships in the school environment. Enthusiasm for any subject, occupation sometimes irritates peers. High or low intellectual abilities can cause a negative attitude of classmates.

Features of the child's behavior caused by psychological abuse:

nervous tic, enuresis; appetite problems; sad look;
increased incidence of colds and other diseases;
restlessness, anxiety, sleep disorders;
long-term depression;
aggressiveness;
inclination to solitude, unwillingness to communicate;
excessive compliance or caution;
poor academic performance.

How can bullying be prevented?

1. Invite your child's classmates to visit more often, and especially those whom he likes. If you have some unusual hobby that is interesting for children, you can tell your child's peers about it. After all, if you can talk for hours about all kinds of car brands, then even the most notorious fighters will look into your mouth and after that they are unlikely to touch your child's finger.

2. Create a "buffer zone" for him. To teach not to be afraid of classmates who have no less problems than him. To help the child become a member of the class team, and not just go to school "for knowledge" or under the coercion of parents. Remember that a child-outcast is important not only to outside observers, but also to people who do not give offense to him.

Along with teachers, this may also be a group of children sympathetic to him, constituting a kind of buffer zone. And since acts of violence at school most often occur not in front of teachers, but at recess, in the school yard and on playgrounds, such a “buffer zone” of children can help him in such situations.

3. Call not to accept the fate of the victim , but to rebel against it, attracting friends to your side. Do not show weakness and fear of the rapists, and instead of sobbing and asking for mercy, lash out at the persecutors, puzzling them with unexpected questions or at least knowledge of unflattering facts about themselves.

4. Develop adequate self-esteem. In case of high self-esteem, explain that any person has an Achilles' heel, and someone who excels in mathematics may lag behind in physical education, and vice versa, a winner in athletics may struggle with mathematics. All people are different, and abilities in some area are not a reason for boasting and demonstrating superiority over others.

How to respond to a child's report of violence?

1. Take your child seriously.

2. Try to remain calm.

3. Find out how much the child's life is at risk.

4. Reassure and support the child by saying, “It's good that you told me. You did the right thing"; "I believe you"; "It's not your fault"; “You are not alone in this situation, it happens to other children; "I'm sorry this happened to you."

5. Don't assume that the child necessarily hates the abuser.

6. Answer the questions and try to help the child overcome his anxiety.

7. Consider and discuss strategies for helping and keeping the child safe.

How else can you help a child?

Don't despair, support your child if he or she is a victim of school violence, and together look for resources to overcome the situation. Remind him that there are areas of life in which he feels confident, and there will always be those around who will help - classmates, relatives, parents. This will allow the child to regain self-esteem.

Children often justify their persecutor by blaming themselves for what is happening. It is necessary to discuss with the child the motives of the aggressor's behavior: self-affirmation, psychological compensation for the violence experienced by himself, a kind of self-defense from the aggression of the outside world.

The way out may be simple, but a child under stress does not think of using the resources available to him. Sometimes the slightest intervention, a simple demonstration of the intention to defend oneself, is enough to stop the persecution.

This is the story of 45-year-old Elena: “I go for a walk with the dog at the same time and periodically I meet a schoolboy of 12 years old, at this time he goes home from school. One autumn evening, walking past the stop, I saw him in the company of three teenagers who aggressively communicated with him, clearly demanding something. When I passed very close to the guys, the boy broke out of their circle and approached me: “Can I come with you?”

The situation was clear to me and to him. It turned out that teenagers meet him after school, take away money, call him names, but the boy does not want to tell his parents about this, because it is unpleasant for him to look like an informer, a weakling. I had to convince the boy to tell the adults about everything. “Or I have to do it,” I promised. It took the older brother just a couple of times to meet him from school so that the offenders would no longer appear.

How to prevent a child from becoming a victim of bullying?

Here is what Alla Barkan advises in the book “28 Laws of Education. How it is desirable and undesirable for parents to act”:

to find a friend among classmates, and even better, a few true friends;
invite classmates to visit;
learn to respect the opinion of classmates, to find a common language with them;
do not always try to win in your disputes with peers, learn to lose and give in, admit that you are wrong;
don't bully, don't be conceited;
do not try to stand out among others, if there is no reason for this;
don't show off - neither your successes, nor your electronic toys, nor your parents;
not to show their elitism;
don't tell tales;
don't suck up to teachers;
not act contrary to class decisions unless they are contrary to moral standards;
not to demonstrate one's physical strength;
not show your weakness;
do not appeal to the pity of others in connection with their chronic diseases or physical defects;
use his talents for the benefit of his class and school so that his classmates will be proud of him instead of envying him.

Photo source: Getty Images

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Bullying at school. How to notice and stop in time. Help of a psychologist

It must be admitted that the issue of bullying (systemic harassment) in Belarusian schools is currently not being addressed at the systemic level and is often not identified as a problem at all.

When parents do not have the opportunity to influence the process of bullying at school, the question of how to cope with its consequences and prevent its recurrence comes to the fore. Let's try to figure it out.

School bullying

For many years I have been working as a counseling psychologist in the field of alternative education. I am often approached by parents who are forced to look for an alternative to school precisely because of bullying.

Important points for the work of a psychologist with the consequences of bullying:

All parents who come to me for help have great awareness , are interested in the well-being of their children, have not lost their affection, enjoy authority. However, even children from these families experience bullying. Thus, a relatively favorable family situation does not insure against its occurrence, and vice versa, if a child is bullied at school, this does not directly indicate the unfavorable family situation.
If the problem is not acknowledged at the school level (or alternative parent initiative), bullying will spread to parents sooner or later. As a rule, parents come to me for a consultation with a request to leave the school system already in a situation where the whole family has been bullied.

How does this happen?

The teacher/school administration does not want to admit and/or cannot cope with the situation of bullying, the complaints/requests/demands from the parents do not stop, and the parents themselves become a problem for the school. As a result, it all comes down to blaming parents that their child is not like that, they didn’t raise / set up in the same way, they are not competent as parents.

In fact, this is a classic victim-blaming situation, when the victims themselves, and in this case their parents, are blamed for the problems.

Bullying can occur in any children's group , including a small, alternative one, created with the most humane ideas about education and upbringing - in a circle, a private school, a family class, a children's camp, etc. An expensive private school with a small class is not a guarantee of the absence of bullying, sometimes, on the contrary, its status and declared values do not allow you to immediately call a spade a spade and identify the problem.

Consequences of bullying and main conclusions for parents

I am always on the side of the parents who turned to me for help

And, of course, on the side of their child. Among my clients, there are no adults who clearly take the side of the “offenders” and the school administration, however, all parents’ confidence in their rightness is inevitably undermined, they are afraid of meeting the same attitude that brought them to the consultation. Sometimes minimal information and just a confidently supportive relationship is enough for parents to feel their competence again and outline steps to solve the problem on their own.

The same principle can be applied to the attitude of parents towards their child in a situation of bullying – unequivocally, without a doubt, be on the side of the child. Even if your child is a “bully” offender. Yes, it is more difficult than supporting someone who is being bullied, but there is no other way.

Only through the support and cooperation of parents with a child can the situation of bullying be resolved.

I bring parents back to their goals

This is hard work. Parents, sending their child to school, family class, circle, always pursue some specific goal: quality education, pleasant pastime, mastering skills, communication in a friendly team, etc.

In a situation of bullying, parents lose their sight - the original goal falls out of sight, it is replaced by the goals of struggle and survival - to avoid, prove, fight back, fight, refute, endure, take revenge ...

If you help parents reduce the emotional intensity of the struggle, it often becomes obvious that the goal for which the child still goes to a problematic group is not achieved or was not achievable there from the very beginning.

So, for example, parents could have a goal that the child studied in a small class in a cozy friendly environment, academic success was not a priority for the family, and this is what parents were willing to pay money for. And as a result, the family gets a competitive, competitive environment, a race for academic achievement, while the child is bullied for slowness, slowness, unwillingness to compete.

Parents turn their attention to solving the problems that the environment has created and lose sight of what they put their child there for. It is extremely important to return to the position of a "customer" who chooses the environment and services according to the needs of the child and family.

In the same way, parents can help the child return to the position of the chooser by asking the following questions:

When you decided to come here, what did you want to get? Are these teachers/students helping you with this now? In this place, can you reach your goal?”

My goal is to restore dignity to parents and children.

The role of the “victim” inevitably takes a lot of strength, energy, belittles, deprives of resources, courage, “crumples” the image of oneself, self-image - deprives one of self-esteem. I trust the competence of parents, the validity of their claims to the traumatic environment, I help to return to the position of choosing what is right for their child and, thereby, help to regain lost dignity. From this position and self-awareness, all decisions and actions have a fundamentally different meaning.

For example , the transfer of a child to another school will no longer be perceived as an escape, surrender, failure, but will be what it is - a change from an unsuitable place of study / teacher / team to a suitable one that meets the needs and goals of the family and the child.

This is especially important for men, fathers, who are easily emotionally involved in a situation of bullying and often feel very painfully unable to protect their child, restore justice, or at least in some form take revenge on the offenders.

I encourage parents to purposefully seek support in their environment and at least temporarily exclude non-supportive people from it.

A family that has been bullied is in a vulnerable state, its main task is to stop bullying and recover. Do not prove to someone that you are right, “normal”, “innocence”, but deal specifically with issues of your own recovery, ask for and receive support from relatives, friends, acquaintances, helping professionals. Moreover, not only the child needs help and support, but also the parents.

How to avoid, notice in time, stop bullying at school, prevent repetition in a new team?

Recommendations to parents

1. Send the child to a carefully created team , the organizer of which knows about the problem of bullying, is ready to recognize it and work on its prevention and overcoming. Why is it so important? Bullying affects not only its “victims”, but also the “offenders” themselves, and witnesses, so you need to strive not only to protect your child from the role of “victim”, but generally to prevent bullying in the team where the child is .

2. Be on the child's side. Child's attachment to parents and significant adults, strong connection, trust and confidence that parents are always on his/her side, will always help, reduces the likelihood of bullying or helps to resolve a problem situation quickly and with the least harm.

3. Work through the situation of bullying with a psychologist . Speaking, living with a high probability will help to avoid a repetition of this situation in another team. Moreover, it is desirable that work is carried out with parents.

Calm and self-confident parents are the basis of a child's calmness and confidence.

Photo by A. Voskresensky and from open Internet sources

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