How to manage aggressive child behavior

Ways to Deal with Your Toddler's Aggressive Behavior – Cleveland Clinic

Does your kid seem to have “anger issues”?

If you’re a parent, you’ve probably dealt with your fair share of tantrums, meltdowns, and freak-outs. Regulating our emotions is a skill we all have to learn, and some kids take longer to master self-control than others. But how do you know when your child’s aggressive or violent behavior isn’t just part of their learning curve vs. getting out of hand? And what can you do to help? 

It’s all about knowing what’s developmentally appropriate. “We generally expect toddlers to experience some aggressive behaviors,” says pediatric psychologist Emily Mudd, PhD.

“At this stage, kids tend to resort to physical expressions of their frustration, simply because they don’t yet have the language skills to express themselves. For example, pushing a peer on the playground could be considered typical. We wouldn’t necessarily call that aggression unless it was part of a pattern. ”

By the time your child is old enough to have the verbal skills to communicate their feelings — around age 7 — physical expressions of aggression should taper off, Dr. Mudd says.

If that’s not happening, it’s time to be concerned, especially if your child is putting themselves or others in danger or is regularly damaging property.

Watch for warning signs that your child’s behavior is having a negative impact, like they’re:

• Struggling academically.
• Having difficulty relating to peers.
• Frequently causing disruptions at home.

“These warning signs are cause for concern and should not be ignored,” notes Dr. Mudd.

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Your child’s behavior may have an underlying cause that needs attention. ADHD, anxiety, undiagnosed learning disabilities and autism can all create issues with aggressive behavior.

“Whatever the cause, if aggressive behavior impacts your child’s day-to-day functioning, it’s time to seek help,” Dr. Mudd says.

Start by talking with your pediatrician. If necessary, they can refer you to a mental health professional to diagnose and treat problems that may cause aggression.

Dr. Mudd recommends these strategies for helping your child tame their aggression.

“When a child is expressing a lot of emotion, and the parents meet that with more emotion, it can increase the child’s aggression,” she says. Instead, try to model emotional regulation for your child.

For example, if your child is having a tantrum at the grocery store because they want a particular cereal, don’t give in and buy it. This is rewarding and reinforces the inappropriate behavior.

Reward good behavior, even when your child isn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. If dinner time is problem-free, say, “I really like how you acted at dinner. ” Treats and prizes aren’t necessary. Recognition and praise are powerful all on their own.

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For example, you might say, “I can tell you’re really angry right now.” This validates what your child is feeling and encourages verbal, instead of physical, expression. Opening up the floor for conversation can help them find ways of getting their feelings off their chest in a healthy way.

Do tantrums happen every morning before school? Work on structuring your morning routine. Break down tasks into simple steps, and give time warnings like, “We’re leaving in 10 minutes.” Set goals, like making it to school on time four days out of five. Then reward your child when they meet those goals.

Don’t focus on financial or material goals. Instead, try rewards like half an hour of special time with mom or dad, choosing what the family eats for dinner or selecting what the family watches for movie night.

If your child is struggling with self-control, incorporating these strategies into your parenting should help you rein in those behaviors.

If the situation seems unmanageable, though, remember that you’re not the only one struggling with your child’s behavior. Pediatric psychologists are skilled at helping children and families solve emotional and behavioral problems. Ask your pediatrician for the names of mental health professionals in your area.

How to Manage Aggressive Child Behavior

I’ve talked with a lot of parents who feel out of control in the face of their child’s anger and aggression. In fact, I can’t tell you how many moms and dads have said, “I feel like I’m failing at parenting.” In my opinion, it’s not so important why you as a parent aren’t effective at times—what’s more important is what you do about it. The very first step is to be aware of the patterns that have been created over the years with your child. Ask yourself, “What’s the behavior I’m seeing, and what am I doing in reaction to it?”

Intimidation, name calling, bullying or other kinds of acting out behavior are about your child and his inability to solve his problems appropriately.

Understand that patterns are particular to each person, situation and child. For example, some parents have trouble dealing with anger themselves. They jump right in, as soon as they hear or see a problem, and get in the kid’s face. This only escalates the situation because if you respond aggressively, it teaches your child that aggression is how you solve problems. As a result, the child may not learn to behave any differently: he’ll also lose his temper and be aggressive. In contrast, some parents are more passive—but their child may become aggressive due to his parent backing down and not dealing with issues directly. Let me be clear: you can be a gentle, quiet person and an effective parent—the two aren’t mutually exclusive—but you still need to be firm and set clear limits.

If you’re a parent who’s caught in an ineffective pattern of responding to your child, realize that change doesn’t happen overnight—it takes time. How you respond doesn’t classify you as a “good” or “bad” parent—but it might mean that you’re part of the problem, and thus can be part of the solution. If your child is aggressive and acting out, it’s not your fault, but you do need to teach him how to do things differently.

Your child may have a label, like ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or Bipolar. But regardless of what your child is dishing out or what kind of label they have, you can still learn to be more effective.

Aggressive behaviors need to change—and despite the labels, parents need to change, too. As my husband James Lehman would say, “Parents need to be empowered in order to be successful.” I truly believe that at any time in our lives, we are all capable of change. That’s true for parents and it’s true for kids. It may feel daunting because of the demands that are placed on you every day, but if you don’t respond to your kid’s aggressive behavior, things will only get worse.

The way you handle aggression with your child may change from age to age, stage to stage. Here are some tips to help you at various stages of your child’s life.

Pre-school Age Kids and Aggression

1. Be Consistent: For younger kids, the key is to be consistent. You can’t ignore behaviors one day and respond by screaming at your child the next. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, try to be consistent. If your child has a problem with hitting his siblings, respond with something like, “Hitting is not OK. You need to spend some time by yourself and calm down.” Do your best to make sure you respond the same way every time.

2. Remove your child from the situation: Sometimes you need to take your child out of a situation to help him regain control of his emotions. If you’re at the grocery store and your toddler is having a tantrum and kicking at the shopping cart because you’re not buying the cereal he likes, you can say, “You’re making too much noise. We’re not going to buy this cereal, and if you don’t stop we’ll have to leave.” If your child doesn’t stop, follow through and take him out of the store.

3. Offer a pep talk ahead of time. If you know there are situations that are difficult for your child, give him a little pep talk ahead of time. If your child always has trouble when he goes to your relative’s house—let’s say he gets stirred up and starts hitting his cousins—it’s worth having a very brief discussion with him telling him what you expect before you enter the house. “You need to play nicely. If you start hitting him or hurt your cousins, we will leave immediately. Do you understand?”

4. Give time outs: Give younger children a timeout or a time away in a quiet place with some time alone. You can say, “I want you to be quiet and calm down. You cannot hit your brother when you’re mad. When you’re quiet for two minutes, you can come back and play with your brother.” Do very little talking and be very clear with your directions.

5. Coordinate with other caregivers: It’s important to remember that misbehaviors, like fighting and physical aggression, occur in daycare and pre-school as well. It’s part of the way kids learn to get along with each other, but you need to deal with it immediately if your child is aggressive. You also need to coordinate your intervention with the caregiver so that you’re both consistent. Check in with the caregiver regularly to make sure that the behavior is improving.

Elementary School Age Children

If you have a child in elementary school and aggressive behavior is happening on a regular basis, you need to have regular communication, probably daily, with the school to monitor this behavior. Find out what the consequences are at school—and make sure that there are consequences for misbehavior at school. You may want to encourage your child’s teacher to be consistent with the behavioral expectations and the consequences for aggressive behavior.

Misbehaviors like chewing gum or running in the hall should be handled by the school—it’s their job to manage routine behavior, and you as a parent don’t need to give an extra consequence at home for that. But behaviors that are physically aggressive or verbally abusive are about your child and his inability to solve his problems appropriately. This behavior should be followed up at home with a discussion and a possible consequence. The reason you have to challenge the more disruptive behaviors at home is because home is the place where you have the time to teach your child about alternatives. If it’s the first time something has happened, help him figure out where his coping skills broke down by having a problem-solving conversation, and then work with him on coming up with some appropriate ones. Ask him, “What will you do differently next time?” On the other hand, if the misbehavior has happened before, not only should you talk about where his skills broke down, there should also be a consequence to keep him accountable. That consequence could include any task that you think would be helpful to his learning about the situation for the amount of time it takes him to complete it. So grounding him for six hours is not helpful, but having him write ten things he could do differently next time is helpful.

By the way, if these aggressive behaviors are only happening at school and not in other areas of your child’s life, it’s important to find out what’s happening. This is a little tricky because you don’t want to take the side of your child against the school—that’s not going to be helpful. But if your child who’s not aggressive in other situations is acting out at school, you need to find out why. Hear what your child may be saying about his classmates or the other kids. Talk to the teacher while still holding your child accountable for any kind of aggressive behavior. Certainly, if you see the same behaviors at home, have a consistent consequence and let the school know what it is.

At home, you need to set limits around aggressive behavior. Be clear with your expectations about your child’s behavior and what the consequences will be. You can either say the rules out loud or you can write them down; it often works well for kids to see things in black and white. Prepare your child by saying, “This is what I expect. If you can’t do what I expect, if you get aggressive or intimidating, then these will be the consequences.”

Aggressive Teens

There is no excuse for abuse, physical or otherwise. That rule should be written on an index card with a black magic marker and posted on your refrigerator. The message to your child is, “If you’re abusive, there’s no excuse. I don’t want to hear what the reason was. There’s no justification for it. There’s nobody you can blame. You are responsible and accountable for your abusive behavior. And by ‘responsible,’ I mean it’s nobody else’s fault, and by ‘accountable’ I mean there will be consequences.”

When your child is aggresssive or abuses anyone in your family, remind him of the rule. Say, “You’re not allowed to abuse people. Go to your room.” Be prepared for him to blame the victim, because that’s what abusive people do; it’s an easy way out. Abusive people say, “I wouldn’t have abused you but you…” and fill in the blank. So your child might say, “I’m sorry I hit you, but you yelled at me.” What they’re really saying is, “I’m sorry I hit you, but it was your fault.” And if you listen to the apologies of many of these abusive kids, that’s what you get. “I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t give me a cookie.” “I’m sorry I called her a name but she wouldn’t let me play the video game.” What they’re constantly saying is, “I’m sorry, but it’s your fault,” and it absolutely does not mean they’re sorry. It means, “I’m sorry, but it’s not my responsibility.” And when a child doesn’t take responsibility for a certain behavior, they see no reason to change it. They’ve just learned to mimic the words. It becomes another false social construct that comes out of their mouths without any meaning or understanding behind it whatsoever—and if you buy into it, you’re allowing that child to continue his abusive behavior and power thrusting.

When children use aggressive or abusive behavior to solve their problems, it’s important that they learn a way to replace that behavior with healthier problem-solving skills. It’s just not enough to point out—and give consequences for—that behavior. It’s also important to help your child replace their inappropriate behavior with something that will help him solve the problem at hand without getting into trouble or hurting others. Here’s the bottom line: if we don’t help kids replace their inappropriate behavior with something healthier, they’re going to fall back on the inappropriate behavior every time. That’s their default program.

Develop ways to have problem-solving conversations with your teen so the next time they’re faced with a similar situation, they’ll be able to ask themselves what they can do to solve the problem differently, besides being aggressive or threatening. For instance, the next time your son calls his little sister names and threatens her physically in order to get her off the computer, you should not only correct him, but later, have a conversation with him when things calm down. That conversation should be, “The next time you’re frustrated when you want to get on the computer, what can you do differently so you don’t get into trouble and get more consequences. What can you do to get more rewards?”

I think the focus should be on how the aggressive child should avoid getting into trouble and being given consequences, rather than on how they should not hurt their brother. Abusive people don’t care about their victims. I don’t think we should be appealing to their sense of empathy and humanity. I think we should be appealing to their self-interest, because self-interest is a very powerful motivator. Look at it this way: if they had empathy or sympathy, they wouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

I want to note that if there’s physical aggression to the point where you or other family members aren’t safe, you really need to consider calling the police for help. This doesn’t mean that you’ve failed as a parent. Rather, you’re recognizing that you need some support. I know that calling the police is not an easy decision, but it’s not the end of the world either—it’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s sometimes a way to regain control.

If you have a teen who’s been acting out aggressively his whole life, I want to stress again that even if these behaviors are ingrained, they can change—and they can change at any time. When you start changing your response to your child and become more empowered, your child will probably act out more initially. You need to stick with it. It’s scary for kids when their parents begin to take charge. Your child has been used to a certain response from you over the years. In some ways there’s a sense of loss of control on their part. So as a result, you have to be a little bit stronger.

I also think it’s vital to start structuring things differently in your home so that your child knows that change is happening. It may not be anything big at first, just something that says you’re back in the driver’s seat. You might say to your child, “We need to get you to be a more responsible part of our family. So when you get home from school, I want you to do the dishes. You also need to do your homework before you can have the car. If you don’t do those two things, you can’t have the car.” So you begin to set some limits. This is also when you need to start looking for things to change. Does the dishwasher actually get emptied? Is the homework getting done? It doesn’t mean that his aggressive behavior goes away totally; we’re not looking at a complete turnaround in 24 hours. Instead, we’re looking at those small steps that indicate that you’re in charge in the home and your child is not. Kids want their parents to have a sense of control; it gives them a sense of security and safety.

Changing and becoming a more effective parent can be a very long process. You need to keep sticking with it and understand that you can gain in your ability to be effective. The key is to be open to different ideas and different ways of doing things. Above all, I want to say this: don’t get discouraged. Things can change at any moment and at any time. In my practice with children and families, it was amazing to watch parents become more empowered. They developed a clear sense of who they were and how they could be more effective. And while your children are not going to thank you for becoming a more effective parent, down the road you will see them exhibiting the positive behaviors you helped them develop, which is the best reward of all.

Related content: Stop Aggressive Behavior in Kids and Tweens: Is Your Child Screaming, Pushing and Hitting?

How to cope with a child's aggression in kindergarten

According to scientists, about 20% of teachers, 17% of psychologists and 25% of the parents surveyed note "silent aggression" of children, which is expressed in outbursts of anger or in an attempt to break, break, scatter something.

How can it be "identified" in time and can it be reduced?

Aggressive behavior has a very complex nature. Let's say proactive aggression is always deliberate. It is associated with decreased emotional sensitivity and often resolves without remorse or regret. And reactive aggression, on the contrary, is associated with excessive emotional sensitivity and reaction to some kind of threat, negative emotions, anger, anxiety or bad experience. These are different types of aggressive behavior of the child, and they require a different approach, - says Sergey Malykh, Academician-Secretary of the Department of Psychology and Developmental Physiology of the Russian Academy of Education. - It is very important to help the child cope with this problem: the interaction of teachers, parents and school psychologists is necessary. The child needs to be helped to give vent to emotions, without suppressing or pinching them, to teach him to cope with them. The right example from parents and other adults is the most effective way. Therefore, it is important that the words and actions of adults do not run counter.

A recent study by Russian psychologists showed that the topic of child aggression is in the top 5 urgent problems for parents and teachers. 31% of the surveyed teachers from 355 educational organizations in large cities of Russia said that they had to discuss the aggressive behavior of their child with parents.

When signs of child aggression appear in preschoolers and elementary school students, teachers in 62% of cases take an active position and strive to resolve it safely. Often a teacher or educator has to take on the role of a conflictologist, while 62% of respondents note that this is a forced measure due to an acute shortage of specialized specialists.

When confronted with destructive behavior of children, teachers most often conduct explanatory conversations with children, turn to the family for help. 65% of respondents-teachers admitted to insufficient competence, insufficient knowledge, and most importantly, a lack of skills in diagnosing, predicting and regulating child aggression.

53% of parents consider the creation of psychological assistance services in educational institutions a "panacea for troubles". 66% of psychologists, 71% of teachers and 62% of parents said that there are no such conditions in their schools and kindergartens or they are of insufficient quality.

Top 3 tips for parents: what to do if your child fights in kindergarten and other children complain about him?

Your child's aggressive behavior is a signal to you that he has problems and needs your help. The first step is to understand the reason for this behavior. These can be negative emotions, stress, conflicts with peers, or difficulties while adapting to kindergarten. The ability to adapt to certain requirements is different for all children, so parents should help the child get used to the new conditions.

Do not underestimate the problems that have arisen and hope that everything will somehow work itself out. This behavior may cause it to be closed. Do not show anxiety in talking with your child about what is happening in kindergarten and explain to him that going to kindergarten is an opportunity for him to have fun and play with other children.

Help your child to be aware of his emotions, learn to control them, offer ways and ways out of the situation, including in joint games. On this depends, among other things, his future success in resolving difficult life situations.

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How to deal with aggressive behavior of a child at school: the experience of a teacher

order. He prevents himself and other children from gaining knowledge, and the teacher from giving this knowledge. This is exactly the situation faced by Elena Timokhina, a mathematics teacher and head teacher of school No. 97 in the city of Zheleznogorsk. How she solved the problem and what came of it, she told at the round table "Interaction with difficult children in the classroom", organized by Yandex. Uchebnik and the Shalash Charitable Foundation.

I started working with the new fifth grade and immediately ran into a problem. At the very first lesson, one of the students suddenly began to scatter things from his desk: a textbook, a pencil case, a notebook flew to the floor. The guys reacted calmly to the trick of a classmate: and this meant that this was not the first time. For the first time, I also decided not to pay attention and follow the student's behavior in the future.

The continuation was not long in coming: at each lesson, the student distracted those around him. He could turn to his neighbor, take something from his desk, defiantly start knocking loudly with his foot on the floor, kick the chair in front... I could not ignore these manifestations: I had to tear myself away from the explanation, make comments. Their response was followed by irritation and rudeness. During breaks, the boy joked viciously, reacted with aggression to other children, got into fights and was at the center of any conflict.

After talking with my colleagues, I realized that everyone has problems with this student. Sometimes a child deliberately provoked a conflict with adults in order not to go to class, offended, or not to do homework.

Stage 1. Establish a dialogue

It was necessary to talk with the student, and I succeeded: though not the first time. At first, the boy ignored requests to stay after the lesson and ran away, but stayed after the request to help me, the teacher.

I invited the class to play: in five minutes, give as many answers as possible to examples with mental counting. But I needed someone to count those five minutes, to be a "metronome" - my problem student agreed to play this role, counting up to 60 five times. Discussing the purpose of the metronome and distributing roles, we reduced the tension in the class, channeled anger into positive channels. True, the student only had enough for a minute, and he connected to the oral account.

As a result, we agreed that the student would sit on the first desk and work alone. And if he understands that he cannot cope with negative emotions, he will be able to leave the class, calm down and return.

It is important to treat the aggressive behavior of students calmly, not to get annoyed in response. Instead, you can involve the student in additional activities, and through this form his positive self-esteem. In parallel, it is necessary to carefully try to find out the situation in the family and understand whether parents can help. In my case, it turned out that the family is not a helper.

The child experiences a lack of attention and care from the parents. Aggressive relations between the parents themselves: the mother authoritarianly tries to raise her son, not taking into account the opinion of the child. Misconduct at school is followed by punishment at home <...> And, returning to school, the child is even more determined to recoup for his grievances received at home.

The task of the teacher is to establish trusting contact with the child, to encourage even the most minimal positive changes in his behavior, to give detailed feedback.

Even small successes should be praised. This makes it possible to win over, to make it clear that you are not an enemy, but a fair friend. It is important to say that today everything turned out well for him, that he was great and coped with emotions. And another time something went wrong: you can stay and talk.

In addition, it is important for such a child to arrange a diagnosis by a school psychologist. All this I tried to do.

Stage 3. Summarizing

The result was not long in coming: the boy began to better cope with negative emotions in the classroom, became more loyal to the rules of behavior at school. However, new people or circumstances are still factors that can provoke him to destructive behavior that is contrary to norms.

A new day is dawning and we are again dealing with the conflicts of my student's destructive behavior that is contrary to norms.

To help teachers find the key to interacting with children with difficult behavior, I am a Teacher of the Yandex.

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