How to help a narcissist child

10 Strategies for Coping with an Adult Narcissistic Child

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Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on August 31, 2018

My daughter who is 18 fits most of these (narcissistic) examples. For the last year, after her second suicide attempt, I have probably been way too lenient on her because of my fear of losing her. I truly feel at my wit’s end with her unfair accusations and manipulative behavior and have now had to reconcile losing her in one way or another in order to save myself. She lives with me. How can I support her while still enforcing safe boundaries? What strategies have helped others, especially when she wants to engage in a battle with me (at 1 am) and starts threatening to move out, sleep in the car, or harm herself?

This is an excerpt taken from a comment on the article Narcissistic Abuse Cycle. The mother is struggling with how to cope, manage, and deal with an adult narcissistic child who threatens to harm themselves. Her concern is very valid as narcissists have one of the highest suicidal rates of any personality disorder. Here are some strategies she can use to help both herself and her child:

Affirmations work. Narcissists need a daily supply of attention, affection, admiration, and appreciation. By giving them the affirmations that they need, their ego is boosted, their insecurities are tamed, and they feel noticed. Think of this a preventative medicine rather than a prescription afterward.
Take a daily break. Even full-time jobs recommend several breaks during the day to rejuvenate, eat, and use the restroom, knowing that this increases productivity. The same should be done at home, especially when a narcissist lives there. Begin by adding 15-minute breaks into morning and nighttime routines. Find several safe places to hide that provide a time-out of sorts to think and reflect before reacting. One of the typical abuse tactics of narcissism is to generate confusion so that the only voice others hear is the narcissist. This break technique is extremely beneficial at counteracting that.
Focus on recovery. The process of recovery takes time, patience, and energy; time to invest in sorting through the narcissists abuse and trauma, patience to go at a pace that allows for healing and doesnt re-traumatize, and energy to release pent-up emotions, thoughts, aggravations, fears, and confusion. Some of this can be done alone, but much of this should be done in a therapeutic setting. This ensures the process is complete and lasting.
Use other narcissists. Point out the narcissism in others such as political, sports, and entertainment figures. Once the seeds of the narcissistic dysfunction are planted, it is easier to help identify the behavior in the adult child. This is even more effective when the narcissistic figure is on the adult child has little to no respect for.
Set absolutes. In the case of repeated suicidal threats, it is essential to seek out the assistance of a professional. A contractual agreement can then be generated that includes immediate hospitalization if a threat is made. For a narcissist, the embarrassment of being hospitalized is usually enough to keep them from making another threat again. But if they do, the agreement must be executed immediately and without extending a second chance.
Go to family counseling. The best type of therapy is one in which the parents and adult child are equal participants. If needed, siblings can be added to the treatment as well. This allows for a level of accountability for everyones behavior, helps to mediate between disagreements, and provides a safe place to vent frustrations.
Use the hamburger method. One of the best ways of confronting a narcissist is the hamburger method: compliment, confront, compliment. By sandwiching a confrontation in between two compliments, the likelihood that it will be heard and understood dramatically increases. Confronting head-on is never ideal. This makes the narcissist feel attacked and they become too defensive to be reasoned with.
Dont tolerate any abusive behavior. One of the main reasons for divorce in a marriage including a narcissist is the narcissists abusive behavior. There is no reason to tolerate any type of abuse. When dealing with narcissists, usually you should just walk away, hang up the phone, block them if needed, and/or call the police. Move the tolerance level to a more acceptable pace. Dealing with a narcissistic child is a little bit different, but you should still make it sternly evident that you will not allow any abusive behavior to continue.
Counteract the gaslighting. A typical form of mental abuse commonly utilized by narcissists is gaslighting. This is where the narcissist denies reality and instead paints an entirely different picture so believable that the other person thinks they are going crazy. To counteract this tactic, it is useful to keep a journal of facts and incidents. For instance, writing down that the narcissist had a fit at Thanksgiving over an ungrateful relative. This is not to keep a record of wrongs, but rather to have some point of reference when the story is twisted into the relative losing it and verbally assaulting the narcissist.
Dont lose your identity. Narcissists have a way of trying to transform the people in their lives into mini versions of themselves. Their dominant ego dictates that others lives would be better if they were more like the narcissist. It takes a large amount of self-awareness to keep an ego intact in the face of such pressure. While it is difficult, it is not impossible.

These strategies can help when living with a narcissist. Whether you find yourself related to a narcissist through blood or marriage, creating these healthy boundaries and limiting the amount of control the narcissist has over you and others will help to create a safer environment for all involved parties. Remember, if you are having difficulty on your own, there are always resources you can use to seek help, something you should never hesitate to do if needed.

Last medically reviewed on August 31, 2018

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Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on August 31, 2018

Help, my child is a narcissist! – DW – 01/15/2022

Image: khosro Rajabkordi/Zoonar/picture alliance

ScienceEurope

Julia Vergin

January 15, 2022

They continually want to be the center of attention, they have an excessive sense of self-importance and have to get their way — children too can manifest narcissistic traits. So what can and should parents do?

https://p.dw.com/p/45Xnp

Narcissism doesn't get a good rap. Most of us instantly think of egotistical people who think extremely highly of themselves and are incredibly sensitive to criticism. And they turn nasty, as soon as they are not praised in the manner that they think they deserve.

Yet, from the perspective of developmental psychology, narcissistic phases in a child's life are not just normal, but, in fact, crucial for the development of a stable personality. This normal or healthy narcissism helps us to " develop future scenarios, to believe in themselves and their own value and to [achieve] autarky, that is the ability to develop their own plans and implement them," psychiatrists Michael Lipp and Anne Karow write in a journal article about narcissism in childhood and adolescence.

That is one reason why specialists are very careful about diagnosing children or young people as narcissists. The beginning of personality disorders are located in early childhood and manifest themselves during the process of growing up. But the diagnosis is often not made until a person has reached adulthood.

How does narcissism manifest itself in children?

Nonetheless, it is important to recognize exaggerated narcissistic tendencies in your own child and not just because it can be extremely tiring for parents, teachers and others of the same age, if your offspring is constantly manifesting megalomanic and attention-seeking tendencies.

"Being narcissistic doesn't make you happy," says Eddie Brummelman. He is a developmental psychologist at the University of Amsterdam, researching how children's self-perception develops. Anyone doing research in this field is bound to come across Brummelman's work.

"Narcissists constantly ask themselves 'What do people think of me?' Their self-esteem fluctuates wildly because they are dependent upon approval from external sources and they constantly need to make out that they are something special," he says. For parents, it's extremely important to realize that this puts their children under an enormous amount of stress.

There is also a direct link between narcissism and aggressive behavior, as a meta analysis by Sophie Kjaervik and Brad Bushman from Ohio State University has shown. That is why it is important to explore possible reasons for the child's narcissistic behavior at an early stage. Just like other personality disorders, narcissistic traits are at least partly genetic, Eddie Brummelman stresses.

They can, however, stem from certain methods of raising a child. In 2015, Brummelman conducted a study with 565 children and their parents. The developmental psychologist and his team were investigating two alternative theses about the origin of narcissism.

More talented, more intelligent, more narcissistic

One theory is that parents lavish too much praise on their children. The other theory is that children respond with narcissistic behavior when they are denigrated and treated coldly by their parents. Brummelman‘s findings supported the first theory: children who are praised to the skies by their parents develop narcissistic traits.

"These parents perceive their child as being more talented, intelligent and capable than other children, " says Brummelman. That sets the bar for the child correspondingly high. Brummelman sees another problem there: "The love for your own child is attached to conditions. If the child doesn't manage to meet parental expectations, they will come to fear that their parents will be disappointed or even ashamed of their child."

Narcissistic personality disorder

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A child that is continually overrated or forced to particularly shine, receives three fundamental messages, according to the developmental psychologist: I am better than others. It is important that I stand out from the rest. I am not valued for the person that I am, but for my achievements.

The resulting narcissistic personality does not develop a stable sense of self-esteem. In fact, it's just the opposite.

Of course, all parents think their children are particularly special — and that's quite OK! "Unconditional warmth and parental affection are important for a stable sense of self," says Brummelman. There is also nothing to be said against praise — if the feedback is somewhat realistic.

Setting limits and tolerating arguments

COVID-19: Parents helping kids

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Rather than continually comparing the performance of your own child with that of others, the parents should preferably focus on their child's own progress — along the lines of: Look, you weren't able to do that last year and now you can!

Renate Schepker shares that view. She's on the board of The German Association for Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Psychosomatics and Psychotherapy (DGKJP) and has come across children and adolescents with exaggerated narcissistic behavior from her work in a psychiatric clinic. "Parents can be proud and also express their pride when their child has achieved or learned something new."

She says it becomes problematic when parents have expectations of their children that are not appropriate for their stage of development and fail to set limits. "A certain openness when it comes to conflict is part of a good upbringing," says Schepker. "Children have to be able to stand it, if their parents occasionally have a bad day or tell their children 'I find your behavior insufferable today'." By the same token, children also have to be able to tell their parents that as well she says.

Therapy can help, if the narcissistic behavior of your child leads to problems in school or with friends because they think that social rules and requirements might apply to others, but not to them. Schepker says that a parental counseling session is an integral part of a course of therapy for a child. The specialist says that it frequently reveals that the parents themselves need therapeutic support.

"Issues from their own childhood often surface during conflicts with their children — issues that have remained unresolved," says Renate Schepker. She says it's more common than one would think.

This article was originally written in German.

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The child grows up as a daffodil. What to do? | AMAkids Academy Articles

Narcissism is a fairly common psychological phenomenon that manifests itself in the excessive elevation of personal qualities and the definition of oneself as an ideal in many areas of life. If it seems to you that your child is a narcissist, then do not worry, this is not a diagnosis, and everything can be changed both for the better and for the worse for him.

Narcissistic child: signs

The main sign of narcissism is opposition to society, confidence in one's inner superiority over other people, which is based on specific things. Therefore, if you see that your child communicates with peers down, or, talking about his friends, constantly transfers the topic of conversation to his uniqueness or his personal qualities - be careful. Maybe it's narcissism. The second sign of narcissism is dependence on surrounding opinions. The child narcissist needs universal recognition, praise and any actions aimed at making him stand out from the crowd and show him the best among the rest.

How not to raise a child as a narcissist?

Before moving on to the necessary steps to follow in order to re-educate a narcissistic child, it is worth talking about the causes of narcissism in the family. These reasons are by no means comforting.

The fact is that one of the main reasons is the parents themselves. A child under 7 years of age unconsciously copies the behavior of their parents, taking on the traits of their character. Therefore, most often children who exalt themselves above others take this habit from their parents. The second reason lies in the process of education - if you deliberately instill a craving for perfectionism in your son or daughter, then be prepared that it can result in narcissism. So, for example, overly clean parents who daily inspire their child with the idea of cleanliness and order, may eventually notice that their child will be somewhat protective of children who behave less cleanly.

Narcissistic child: how to re-educate?

Having dealt with the cause of narcissism in the family, you can proceed to the next stage. The next stage is an objective assessment of the psychological state of the child. Yes, that's right, not re-education, but evaluation. Narcissism is often confused with self-improvement. In addition, narcissism itself is inherently not a destructive phenomenon, therefore, before getting into the psyche of your child, you need to clearly understand whether he needs it.

If you are absolutely sure of the need for change, then the following tips will help you with this:

Expand the circle of interests of the child. The wider the range of interests of the child, the more areas in which the baby will want to improve himself. Socializing with peers within circles and various sections will add to him a subject for reflection on how many different people are around. Among them there are those who try to assert themselves at the expense of others, and those who simply strive to be themselves.
Explain the difference between striving for perfection and perfection. The ideal, by definition, is unattainable. In this regard, ideal people do not exist. If it seems to your child that in some way he is better than others, then explain to him that this is wonderful, but not the limit. Billions of people live on our planet, each of whom considers himself unique, but only a few manage to reach real peaks in career, science, and society. One must not rely on one's own superiority, but diligently go towards one's goal in pursuit of the ideal.
Failure is not a sentence. Criticism is necessary for a child at a certain stage of his development. Try to present critical judgments in such a way that they achieve the desired goal, namely, they allow the child to see their mistakes and move towards correcting them in the future. Criticism and mistakes should become allies of your son or daughter, and not vice versa. The ability to properly accept criticism distinguishes a narcissist from a person who strives to become better. It is necessary to explain to the child that imperfection is normal. It does not detract from its uniqueness, but on the contrary, makes it unique. If all people were perfect, there would be no room for uniqueness.
No need to complicate things. When talking to your son or daughter about narcissism, it's worth recalling the simple joys of life, which often fade into the background due to the virtual barriers that the narcissist puts in front of him. Simplicity in communicating with people - you can talk to absolutely every person and learn something new, and not just with "special" people. Simplicity in relaxation - sometimes it’s not worth washing the room to a shine before lying on the couch and relaxing, everything is in our hands and any action has its value.
Think about the future. Think with your child about what he would like to become in the future and what qualities will help him achieve this goal. It’s not always worth tearing your hair out and bringing some of your hair to the perfect result. It may be worthwhile to correctly determine the direction and calmly go towards the future. Narcissism makes it difficult to build the right priorities, every now and then leading to the fact that a person knocks down a moral guideline for himself. Think together how to come to terms with yourself.

In conclusion, I would like to remind you again that narcissism is not a disease, it is an equal quality of a person that can define him as a person. It is possible that the child will lose much more than he will find if you get rid of this quality.

How to behave with a narcissistic child

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What to do if a child constantly demands attention, provokes others and behaves defiantly and defiantly. In Europe, in such cases, it is customary to immediately invite parents and a teacher to a special coach who will help to understand the child and find their own approaches to raising him. There are no such programs in Russia yet. Teachers themselves have to find ways to interact with such children. The author of the telegram channel "Atypical Narcissism" Tanya Pieters tells what can and cannot be done with difficult children.

What is narcissism in children

9-year-old Vadim asked his classmate to play with his typewriter, and then threw it out the window. The toy fell on the concrete pavement and shattered into pieces. When Vadim was asked why he did this, he replied that the classmate was to blame, and gave his version of what happened. The boy was unhappy that his friend brought an expensive car to school, because he himself does not have one.

12-year-old Olesya argues with everyone until she is proven right. Even if she is wrong a hundred times, it is impossible to convince her of this. Only her opinion matters and only her words are true.

11-year-old Pavlik does not offend anyone and is generally a very quiet boy. Very quietly, Pavlik does nasty things, shifting responsibility onto someone else. And then he enjoys the spectacle of someone else's quarrel, and if he's lucky, then fights.

You probably recognize a student in the class or your child in these stories. Children who are narcissists are usually very visible.

Narcissism is the ability of a person to admire only himself and take only himself seriously. Only one's own desires matter, only their state is important. In adults, narcissism is diagnosed and classified. And then it is treated, though not always successfully.

According to Jean Piaget's theory of human development, narcissism is a natural part of the formation of personality, which takes place at the second stage of four and falls on the primary school age. Children during this period are filled with egocentrism and undeveloped cause-and-effect thinking. When the child enters another stage of development, the narcissistic manifestations will disappear. The main thing is that the personality does not get stuck in the stages of development.

How to deal with daffodils for teachers

Firstly, accept for yourself that this behavior is part of personality development and it will not work to change the child's behavior quickly. Children do not yet know how to masterfully cope with their emotions. Often they do not even understand what they are experiencing in the current situation. This frightens them, and in order to drown out this fear, they may behave inappropriately. However, this behavior can be considered the norm. You need a clear understanding that at this moment the child needs help. Real professional help should be provided by a family psychologist, not teachers.

True, sometimes such students have inadequate parents, so when talking, you must be extremely correct and accurate so that this child is not accidentally killed by angry parents.

Secondly, must strictly observe the boundaries, that is, be strict, but not aggressive. Do not get into arguments with such a child. As soon as you start arguing with him, you have lost. It doesn’t matter here whether you are right, whether you plugged him into the belt with your arguments or kicked him out of the class. You lost because you moved from the major league of "wise teacher" to the "negligent student" battlefield. In other words, you showed your weakness.

Of course, there are children who will deliberately tease you, test your boundaries, show off their bad behavior in front of classmates. It is very difficult to stay within the boundaries at such moments. Try to take care of yourself first. Let your stress out at home. During the conflict itself, try to focus on your breath. Count your inhales and exhales, not out loud, of course. Often the silence of an adult has a greater effect on a child than all the cries put together.

Third, don't ignore the problem. Sometimes there is a temptation to "just ignore" in the hope that the child will calm down on his own without receiving the necessary recognition. If possible, try to take the raging student to the school psychologist. They know exactly what to do.
Try to figure out the reason for such an act of the child. Did he want to draw attention to himself at any cost and did his deskmates help him in this, the losers from the next row - all became providers of the necessary emotions. Or did he want to avoid the test in this way, knowing that you would put him out? In the latter case, you can conduct an individual control test with him, keeping an eye on him and not letting him cheat.