How to help a homesick child at college

Helping with Homesickness - CollegiateParent

Student Life

Laura Hanby Hudgens

There’s nothing magical about the 18th birthday. Just because our kids are legal adults doesn’t mean that we don’t still worry about them and want to help when they’re sad.

When they call or text to say they’re homesick, or we can just tell, our instincts kick in and we want to DO something. But what? How can we be supportive without overreacting and making things worse?

While there is no single solution to dealing with homesickness, here are 10 things to keep in mind.

1. Don’t panic.

It’s sometimes difficult to tell from a phone call or text just how much a student is struggling. College can be overwhelming and leaving home can be frightening.

A little homesickness is to be expected. Psychologist and author Dr. Margaret Rutherford cautions parents against assuming the worst. “Remember that your child may simply be having a hard day and need to vent… Often, it’s because she or he is idealizing the past, and not recognizing opportunities in the present. ”

2. Encourage your student to get involved on campus.

When my friend Meg was a student, she worked in her college’s admissions office. “The advice we always gave students,” Meg said, “was to stay on campus and get involved as much as possible. The more involved the students became, the more friends they made, and the less homesick they felt. It's not easy at first but it does get better.”

Remind your student of things they liked to do in high school, or encourage them to try something new. Clubs, intramural sports, faith groups, and volunteering are all good ways to meet people and start to feel at home.

Find more ideas about how to encourage your student to check out campus activities >

3. Listen and ask questions.

Sometimes our students just need to know that there’s a supportive listener on the other end of the phone. Asking questions shows that you are listening and that you care, and answering questions can help your student clarify their own thoughts and emotions.

4. Don’t ride to the rescue.

It can be tempting to rush to the side of your homesick student. Some parents might even be tempted to offer an out — to tell their student that they can come home if they really want to.

Dr. Rutherford warns that this would be a mistake and encourages parents instead to help their student set some social goals, like making dinner plans with two new people by Halloween or talking to one new person each day.

5. Remind your student that home is still there for them — later.

In extreme cases of homesickness, families might consider setting up a schedule for students to come home — for example, once a month or twice before winter break. Knowing this is on the calendar can alleviate homesickness for some students.

6. Don’t be too available.

While it can be helpful for some students to have scheduled trips home, it’s a good idea not to have too much contact between visits. Try setting “no contact goals.”

When my friend's daughter Jenna first got to college, she was so homesick she called her mother twice a day. Finally, she decided to go a week without calling. Limiting contact actually helped her miss home a little less.

That said, there are no hard and fast rules about how much contact between parent and student is appropriate. Brigitte, a parent from Colorado, was getting a lot of homesick texts from her daughter who moved to New York City for college. Because of her daughter's history with depression, Brigitte didn't want to suggest less texting — "I prefer that she shares with me how she feels." As her daughter adjusts, she expects to hear from her less often; in the meantime she wants to stay tuned to any warning signs.

7. Don’t be a part of the problem.

Of course you miss them, but telling your student that watching your favorite Neflix series isn’t the same without them, or that you really missed them at the last family game night, may only make them feel worse.

Dr. Rutherford observes, “Creating a home where a child doesn’t feel guilty for leaving is vital. Knowing their parents are fine and rooting them on in their new life is so important. ”

Find ideas for getting more comfortable in your empty nest >

8. If possible, postpone changes.

We don't want our kids to feel like we're lost without them, but we also don't want them to think we're glad they're gone. Wait a few months (or years) before turning your student’s bedroom into a sewing room. Don’t box up their high school basketball trophies or take down the hoop in the driveway — not just yet.

9. Send a little love the old-fashioned way.

When my neighbor Carly was a homesick college student, getting care packages from her parents made a difference. Does your family drink a particular brand of coffee? Mail a bag, along with a batch of home-baked cookies — enough to share with roommates.

Carly also loved getting letters from her family. In our digital world we forget how fun it is to get real mail. And early in the first semester especially, students may actually take some time to write back — this can be a good reflective exercise, a chance to work through and express some of their feelings.

10. Homesickness is hard, especially on parents.

We have to strike the balance between helping our students and enabling them. We need to be available without smothering. Just remember that homesickness is normal, and it’s usually fleeting. With a little guidance and support you and your college student will come through just fine.

How to Help Your College Freshman When They're Homesick

“I hate it here, I want to come home.” These are nine words uttered by a brand new college freshman that break a parent’s heart. We watched our kids work hard, we supported them in their journey to college, we dropped off an excited teen only days ago, and…now this. They are homesick.

College freshmen are often homesick

Many of our kids have left everyone and everything they have ever known. Parents, siblings, pets, and almost every friend in their young lives are miles away. They now live in a small, often cramped, room with strangers and face constraints due to Covid that make a difficult transition even more stressful.

Every support system they knew and everything normal in their lives is gone. They quite literally don’t know what to expect. Feeling homesick seems an entirely rational response.

If your freshman is homesick, they are far from alone. According to the oldest and largest survey of college freshmen, 66% of first-year students report feeling lonely or homesick.

Maybe you, the parent, don’t remember being homesick. Those who study memory tell us that the end of an experience colors our memory of it. The collage of our senior year is clearer in our minds than what we remember of those first weeks of freshman year.

Maybe we toughed it out better because calling our parents was so expensive. But maybe we were utterly miserable, homesick, and lonely and have just blotted out that unpleasant time.

Either way, like so much about parenting, our kids need our empathy, our ear, and they need to figure it out themselves.

Lisa Damour, renowned psychologist and author of bestselling books Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood and Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls, explains that in calling their parents, many freshmen are handing over their emotional trash and by doing so, moving forward.

In a widely read New York Times article, Damour explained that when our kids were little, they handed us their trash and used gum and food they had chewed but chose not to ingest. When they are older, they offer up their emotional trash. They tell us all of their worst feelings and, in the telling, unburden themselves, Damour states,

I cannot say this often enough. Upsetting the parent is the actual solution. One of the things I do in caring for girls is when they come to me upset, I tell them to come back the next day and we will talk tomorrow. I have yet to have a student at the same level of crisis the following day.

While complaining or crying to us, their parents may turn us inside out, in so many cases, just by lending our ear and our murmured support, we are helping our teens begin to solve the problem themselves. Damour advises,

Hopefully most college age students have been away for home for some period of time before they leave for college. One thing parents can do is remind them how they got through that experience.

When college kids are making that freaked out call they can see no past and not future. One of the greatest things that a parent can offer is perspective. It is a way of being both empathetic and forward-looking at the same time.

For most freshmen, feeling homesick is a short stage and soon forgotten. At the time, it is excruciating, and it can last weeks or even months, but for most kids, it lifts. But parents have a role to play here. Phyllis Goldberg, a psychologist, suggests to parents that they

Listen to what your kids have to say about how they’re feeling before jumping in with solutions. Be available and supportive, letting them know it’s normal and helping them feel confident that they can work it through. Offer suggestions, one at a time, starting with what might be the easiest — text your best friend who understands.

Even if you and your teen are feeling uncomfortable, do not jump into action, says Christina Jones, LCSW,

Resist the temptation to offer to fly them home for the weekend, and even more so, the temptation to fly yourself to them. Definitely, resist the temptation to give them a list of colleges that are close to home that they can transfer to!

Here are a few suggestions to make to an unhappy teen (if they are up for listening to advice):

Nine ideas for homesick college freshmen

1. Get involved

Nothing makes us feel more alone than staring at four walls. While this year looks different in how organizations can meet, there is no easier time to join activities, clubs, religious groups, and other organizations than the first few weeks of freshman year. Join anything remotely interesting. This is not high school, it is a chance to reinvent and explore.

2. Get familiar with your unfamiliar surroundings.

Leave the dorms. Wander the campus, go to any events that might be available, and scope out the libraries. The fastest way to make a place feel like home is to get to know it well.

3. Don’t look at your high school friends’ Snapchats and Instagram posts and believe, for one minute, that you are getting the full story.

Most teens have moments or days of homesickness, yet few post it for the world to see. This is important for our kids to understand. Who would post a picture of themselves crying in their dorm room? Look at social media with the largest grains of salt.

4. Talk to people, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

There is a window of opportunity freshman year when it is not awkward just to start a conversation with a perfect stranger. Jump through that window, it never opens this wide again.

5. Find your constant.

Suggest they do that thing that comforts them and makes them feel like they are back in their skin again. For some, it is running, others, it might be listening to music or watching a movie. Find that place where it all seems right and urge them to visit there as needed.

6. Call home when you need to.

As parents, we are there for our teens. We will not solve their problems but provide a sympathetic ear. If, as a parent, you can remember feeling the same way during your freshman year, this is the moment to share that painful memory.

7. Reach out to others.

They can call or text their closest high school friends, supportive aunts or uncles, siblings (particularly if they are older and have been through homesickness,) their RA, or even a high school teacher who can offer reassurance.

Our teens can brush us off, but the more people who offer up the message of encouragement, the more likely they are to hear it.

8. Sure bribery/rewards are cheap parenting tricks, but some moments call for desperate measures.

If the budget will stretch to it and a certain new tee-shirt, Zoom top, baseball cap, or Starbucks gift card will give them a little lift, well, who is to say retail therapy doesn’t work?

9. Remind them that there was a time when their high school besties were also strangers.

There is no way they could feel as close to people they have known for days or weeks as they do with people they have known for four years or even 13 or 18 years. But remind them that at some point, the people they are meeting right now may become their closest friends or even their spouse. Try to help them turn dread into excitement.

Finally, there is homesickness, and there is HOMESICKNESS and if you feel that your teen is incapacitated by their sadness, or if you perceive over time that the feelings of sadness are not lifting, or that those feelings are keeping them from normal functioning (e.g., not leaving dorm room or going to class) encourage your student to seek out campus experts who are very experienced with this problem.

For some freshmen, that might be a heart-to-heart talk with their resident advisor, who can provide reassurance and a place to talk. For others, it might be a class dean, peer counselor, or the student mental health center.

More to Read:

More thoughts for rising freshmen from kids who have been there, done that Advice for College Freshmen from Recent Grads

How to keep your grades up the first year of college Academic Mistakes of College Freshmen (and How to Do Better)

Tips for freshmen: recommendations from senior comrades

Well, freshmen, September 1 is coming soon?! Now you are full representatives of a special social group - students. And in order to remain students for the entire period of study, and not to fly out of college in the very first session, as 20% of freshmen do, we recommend that you wind up the advice of older comrades.

Features of the educational process, or why college is not a school

1. Remember, student, the main thing that distinguishes college from school: your diploma is your problems. Are you used to being pulled by the ears at school? Forget it. The college is expelled mercilessly due to systematic absenteeism, poor academic performance, academic debts, violations of discipline, etc. Teachers are deeply purple, whether you will crawl to a diploma. No one will run after you with requests to finally pass the test. Hack it on the nose: college is not a school! You have grown up! nine0010
2. Classes must be attended. Unfortunately, the hypothesis that “the student is an adult who independently controls the personal learning process” does not withstand the test of practice. Practice shows that the majority of students remain overage schoolchildren. By skipping lectures, you can get into the “black list” of the teacher, which is fraught with especially close attention during the exam. Some teachers even require you to show notes of missed lectures. And skipped seminars, colloquia, practical, laboratory and control will have to work out at 99% of cases.
3. Find out immediately what you need to be admitted to the session. Some tests and exams are allowed only on condition of writing an abstract, report, essay, control. And if the college has a point system for admission to the session, then points must be collected right from September.
4. Don't rely on a textbook to help you prepare for an exam. This is another key difference from the school. The textbook is an auxiliary tool, and the main sources of knowledge in college are lecture notes and literature, with which you will prepare for exams. Get ready to work with literature on your own. If you think that the purpose of college is to fill you with knowledge, then you are deeply mistaken. The goal of the college is to teach you to get information on your own, to give you the skills of self-education and, preferably, to form your scientific thinking. The textbook provides a basis, lectures structure the material and help you sort it out in your head, and an independent search for materials among articles and monographs drives. nine0010
5. Some of the materials you will find on the Internet, but much has not yet hit the World Wide Web. Therefore, you have to stomp to the college library, make extracts and photocopies. Nothing, then you will say thank you for teaching you how to study on your own. In the information age, knowledge becomes obsolete very quickly. A professional needs to study and study in order to remain in demand, and for this you need to have the skills of self-education.
6. Find out what seminars, colloquia, abstracts, abstracts, tests, coursework are. A freshman is bombarded with megatons of unfamiliar or completely unfamiliar words, under which new ways of testing knowledge are hidden. Yes, it's not the same as at school. Start dealing with all this right from September. nine0010
7. Tune in to a new rhythm of learning. Lessons of 40 minutes and long breaks are a thing of the past. Now you have to sit in pairs, and the break is only enough to run from audience to audience (it is better to go to the dining room during the “windows”). On the other hand, there are pluses: perhaps there will be days in the schedule when you can come to the second or even the third class. Appreciate the “windows”: instead of just stupidly staggering around waiting for the next couple, go to the library or the cafeteria. nine0010
8. Schedule is your Compass. Therefore, on the very first day, read the class schedule of the stream (group schedule), rewrite it (copy it to your mobile gadget). The schedule of classes in the college is compiled by the educational department and posted on the stands and on the college website. Unlike the school schedule, the schedule may change, so do not be lazy to look into it. Get a special notebook for the schedule or enter the schedule in your gadget that you carry with you. Remember that weeks are even and odd. Another innovation. nine0010
9. Find out when the session starts, how the "tails" are handed over, as well as (for every firefighter) the rules for granting academic leave. And find out all this not in December, but as soon as possible.
10. Don't forget that you can get kicked out of college for misconduct. The life of a student is much freer than that of a schoolboy, but the dean's office will not turn a blind eye to some violations of discipline. And if it comes to the director - you understand. The reason for the exclusion can also be a particularly violent booze in the hostel and violation of the routine and discipline. So control yourself. Try to understand that you are already an adult and are in charge of your college outcomes. Keep in mind that no one will chase after you with reminders of lectures and seminars. And calls to parents with the question: “Where is your child, is he sick or absent?” - it won't either. Become independent. nine0010
11. Work on the record. For at least the first two sessions, give it your all. Then it will be easier: the better your image, the more loyal your teachers are to you. And vice versa: teachers treat triplets and “tailers” with prejudice. In general, work for a record book, then it will work for you.

Tips for freshmen to swim in training waters

1. Learn to make the most of boring lectures. To do this, you need to learn to 1) listen (and hear), 2) focus. Useful skills that will help you in life. nine0044
2. Learn to take notes. Lectures should not be transcribed word for word. Isolate the main thing, develop your own system of abbreviations and conventional signs understandable for the brain. Outline logically, structurally.
3. Use your voice recorder and other gadgets wisely. Do not rely on the achievements of civilization at 100%. Firstly, transcribing a lecture from a voice recorder is a chore. Imagine: you have finished a lecture, and then you still have to spend the same amount of time transcribing the recording! Is that reasonable? Recording on a voice recorder is only suitable for auditory people (people who best perceive information by ear). Secondly, teachers really do not like students who turn on the recorder and continue to sit with an absent look. nine0010
4. As for tablets, laptops and netbooks, they can be of great help, especially in the library. But do not forget that writing with a pen activates the memory processes in the brain. Be aware of teachers who have to hand in handwritten notes.
5. Stock up on common notebooks, pens, multi-colored markers. Carry a spare pen with you. Use colored markers to highlight the main points, structure your notes.
nine0009 Be among the first to go to the college library for textbooks. Yes, textbooks in college are not the main thing, but they are still needed.
6. Find out where the libraries and reading rooms you need are located. Sign up and learn how to work with the catalog. Unfortunately, the Internet does not yet have all the materials that you will need.
7. Write down the schedule, remember the location of buildings and classrooms. You can just ponytail after your group, but it's better to be independent. It is also worth writing down the opening hours of libraries, gyms, laboratories and other places that you will visit. nine0044
8. Collect information about teachers and take into account their individual characteristics. Write down and remember the names of the teachers - this is the time! Get to know them by sight - two. There is nothing more stupid than meeting a teacher at an exam. Learn about the character and habits of each (undergraduates will help with this). Find out how someone relates to attending lectures, who has what requirements at seminars, tests, exams.

10. Choose a supervisor. The right supervisor will not only help you write term papers and lead you to a diploma, but will also protect you in front of the college leadership. nine0003

11. Read up on the principles of time management. Learn to allocate time so that it is enough for attending college, and for self-study, and for rest.

12. Divide objects into important and unimportant. Profile - important, bury yourself in them with your head. Any non-core study in such a way as to get a credit - that's enough. It makes no sense to dive into the study of an analogue of the school life safety to the detriment of the core subject.

13. Try to get as many "automatic" as possible. Accepting a test or exam "automatically", for active learning activities during the semester, will save you from the hassle before the exam. Some teachers also have "semiautomatic devices", which is also a good thing: you can choose one of two questions on the exam. nine0044

14. Don't get on the Kamchatka. This is a place for those who want to mind their own business, not study. Many teachers treat Kamchatka with prejudice. In addition, in "Kamchatka" it is usually hard to hear what the teacher says. Lectures are best recorded sitting in the front rows or in the middle of the audience.

15. The first desks are loved by teachers, they allow you to establish visual contact with the teacher, as well as demonstrate diligence and interest. nine0044

16. Feel free to ask your teacher questions. If something is not clear, feel free to ask. Teachers love active students. But do not overdo it, imitation of interest will create an image of a sucker for you. Or even worse - the image of a stupid sucker.

17. Get active at the seminars! This is a direct path to the "machine". Or, at least, reducing the risk of detentions before the session.

18. Are you afraid to speak in front of an audience? Paradoxical advice: speak as often as possible. The skill of public speaking will be very useful in life (not to mention the fact that it will be easier to pass the session). nine0003

19. If the teacher gave everyone the topics of reports, try to read yours as soon as possible. Otherwise, there may not be enough time, and either the “machine” will close, or you will have to carry the report directly to the test or exam, or you will look for a teacher to acquaint him with the fruits of your labor outside of school hours.

20. Practical, laboratory, control must be handed in on time. Don't walk them, don't hoard mini-tails. You still have to give up. Gradually, it is easier to do this than to deal with a pile of detentions before the session itself. nine0044

21. Start writing term papers and abstracts as early as possible.

22. If your classmates are bullshit, don't look up to them. You don't want to be in the 20% of slackers that will fly out in the first session, do you?

Why does a first-year student need social, cultural and scientific activities?

1. Social activity is not only interesting, but also useful. Being active in social and cultural projects increases the chance of getting a nominal scholarship. nine0010
2. If you have a scientific inclination, do not restrain yourself. Participate in local, university and international conferences, sign up for a student scientific society. This is useful for gradebook and opens the way to college. International exchange, foreign conferences and participation in international student projects - a chance to go abroad for free. Learn languages ​​and be active!
3. If the college holds olympiads, quizzes, competitions - participate. The prize can be machines in all subjects in the student's record book, personalized scholarships, one-time monetary incentives ... In general, all sorts of bonuses and plus the respect of teachers. nine0010
4. Participation in youth political projects is also useful. This is where your path to politics can begin - if, of course, you are interested in it.
5. If you are a born administrator, become a headman or a financial officer, and even better, make a career in the trade union committee. The path is not for everyone, but if it's yours, go for it.
6. It makes sense for a student with a journalistic, journalistic streak to go to the editorial office of a student newspaper already in the first year. You can start an alternative blog, website or launch a newspaper yourself or together with like-minded people. nine0010
7. Participate in amateur performances. Firstly, skits and KVN are fun! Secondly, if you apply for a nominal scholarship, this activity will also count. Thirdly, valuable creative personnel can count on concessions from the dean's office in case of problems with the session. But within reason, of course.
8. It makes sense for artists, poets, writers and other very creative individuals to participate in competitions, enroll in specialized student communities. These talents are in great demand in the preparation of all kinds of events. nine0010
9. Participate in sports competitions. Volleyball, basketball and even chess tournaments are not only a way of self-realization, but also a chance to get a "machine gun" in physical fitness.

10. Think about the future. Already from the first year it is worth thinking about how you will build your career after graduation. Will you work in your specialty? Are you going to go for a red diploma? Are you interested in continuing your studies at the university? Do you need a foreign language for your career? Are you going to look for a job in your specialty while studying? The clearer your plans are, the more likely you are to graduate with an exact knowledge of where you will work and, perhaps, even with offers from employers. nine0003

Useful contacts

1. Join the team. Do not be arrogant, do not provoke conflicts from the very first days in college. Do not be afraid of classmates - they are also scared
2. Conduct yourself with dignity. Do not go before the “strong”, do not become the “six”. Do not be afraid to be an outcast if you do not get along with the group that dominates the course. Looking for like-minded people. Be yourself.
3. Do not intrigue, avoid warring microgroups. This will avoid many troubles. nine0010
4. Exchange contacts with classmates. In which case you will know who to call, write or contact on Skype to clarify the schedule or task for the seminar.
5. Contacts with senior students are really useful. Senior comrades will help with notes and materials, tell about the nature of the teachers.
6. Create a support community with fellow students. It is easier to prepare for seminars together (everyone prepares his part, then exchange materials). When preparing for tests and exams, friends will check their knowledge (when checking, both sides receive an intellectual bonus). nine0010
7. Weed out freeloaders and leeches. Mutually beneficial help is good, arrogance is bad. Help your friends, but not to the detriment of yourself. Remember: who is lucky, they go on that.
8. Be sure to get acquainted with the curator of the course, take the contacts of the dean's office. It might also come in handy.
9. Try to get the contacts of the supervisor and other teachers. You may need to contact them. But don't overwhelm teachers with messages, don't annoy people. These are emergency contacts. However, you can contact an adequate scientific instructor regularly in the process of writing a term paper. Many have switched to skype consultations. nine0010

Safety regulations

1. Complete all the necessary documents in the first days. First of all - student, pass and reader. Bring the certificates required by the dean's office.
2. Don't piss off the guard. Don't forget your pass (student card), don't try to sneak past, don't whine or annoy the person.
3. Plan your route to college. Consider transport schedules and traffic jams. Leave the house 10 to 15 minutes early to have some extra time. nine0010
4. Warn your parents if you are late for college.
5. Do not vandalize college property. The guilty will always be found and punished.
6. Do not commit illegal acts towards students and teachers. This threatens up to criminal liability.

About money

1. Learn and remember the cost, schedule, and rules of college fees.
2. Do not take large amounts of money to an educational institution. It is enough to have a small amount for travel, lunch-snack, water. nine0010
3. Find out how to get a gubernatorial, presidential scholarship (there are other types). Perhaps you can qualify for one of them. To do this, you need to study well, actively participate in scientific and social activities.
4. Check out the student council. Find out all about receiving social scholarships and financial assistance. If you fit the conditions - collect certificates, do not delay.
5. Don't be too lazy to find out about all the benefits that a student is entitled to. They cover travel, free admission to some museums, etc. Regularly monitor changes in legislation regarding student benefits. nine0010

About health, order, dress code and recreation

1. Take care of your liver. Forget about the stereotypical idea of ​​a student as a perpetually thumping creature. At least if you are going to live to the second year, and even more so - to the fifth.
2. Make friends with physical education. Do not skip a couple of physical exercises, sign up additionally for a gym, swimming pool, yoga or fitness. Physical activity not only promotes health and helps maintain normal weight, but also improves brain activity. nine0010
3. Eat right. Do not choke dry with sandwiches. Choose foods that are good for your body and mind.
4. Find out where cafes and canteens are located, where food is better and where it is cheaper. This, of course, is in case there are several of them in the building and nearby. In order not to be late for lectures and not stand in a wild queue, find out not only the opening hours, but also the time when the influx of hungry subsides.
5. Dress in business or casual style. Don't shock teachers with dreadlocks, colored mohawks, and bare buttocks (this is advice for freshmen who love miniskirts). Individuality is held in high esteem, but remember about adequacy. Especially when choosing clothes for the exam. nine0010
6. Tidy up the workplace. Don't justify mess with a penchant for creative mess.
7. Rest! Immersed in your studies, regularly come up to the surface. Rest helps the brain deal with stress. Studying without rest is a path to breakdowns, exhaustion of the nervous system and chronic fatigue. Working for a red diploma, do not earn yourself asthenia.
8. Remember that student years are a great time! Be friends, have fun, have fun! In moderation, of course, but so that there is something to remember! nine0006