How to help a child with behavioral issues

Dealing with child behaviour problems

There are lots of possible reasons for difficult behaviour in toddlers and young children.

Often it's just because they're tired, hungry, overexcited, frustrated or bored.

If problem behaviour is causing you or your child distress, or upsetting the rest of the family, it's important to deal with it.

Do what feels right

What you do has to be right for your child, yourself and the family. If you do something you do not believe in or that you do not feel is right, it probably will not work. Children notice when you do not mean what you're saying.

Do not give up

Once you've decided to do something, continue to do it. Solutions take time to work. Get support from your partner, a friend, another parent or your health visitor. It's good to have someone to talk to about what you're doing.

Be consistent

Children need consistency. If you react to your child's behaviour in one way one day and a different way the next, it's confusing for them. It's also important that everyone close to your child deals with their behaviour in the same way.

Try not to overreact

This can be difficult. When your child does something annoying time after time, your anger and frustration can build up.

It's impossible not to show your irritation sometimes, but try to stay calm. Move on to other things you can both enjoy or feel good about as soon as possible.

Find other ways to cope with your frustration, like talking to other parents.

Talk to your child

Children do not have to be able to talk to understand. It can help if they understand why you want them to do something. For example, explain why you want them to hold your hand while crossing the road.

Once your child can talk, encourage them to explain why they're angry or upset. This will help them feel less frustrated.

Be positive about the good things

When a child's behaviour is difficult, the things they do well can be overlooked. Tell your child when you're pleased about something they've done. You can let your child know when you're pleased by giving them attention, a hug or a smile.

Offer rewards

You can help your child by rewarding them for good behaviour. For example, praise them or give them their favourite food for tea.

If your child behaves well, tell them how pleased you are. Be specific. Say something like, "Well done for putting your toys back in the box when I asked you to."

Do not give your child a reward before they've done what they were asked to do. That's a bribe, not a reward.

Avoid smacking

Smacking may stop a child doing what they're doing at that moment, but it does not have a lasting positive effect.

Children learn by example so, if you hit your child, you're telling them that hitting is OK. Children who are treated aggressively by their parents are more likely to be aggressive themselves. It's better to set a good example instead.

• Life changes – any change in a child's life can be difficult for them. This could be the birth of a new baby, moving house, a change of childminder, starting playgroup or something much smaller.
• You're having a difficult time – children are quick to notice if you're feeling upset or there are problems in the family. They may behave badly when you feel least able to cope. If you're having problems do not blame yourself, but do not blame your child either if they react with difficult behaviour.
• How you've handled difficult behaviour before – sometimes your child may react in a particular way because of how you've handled a problem in the past. For example, if you've given your child sweets to keep them quiet at the shops, they may expect sweets every time you go there.
• Needing attention – your child might see a tantrum as a way of getting attention, even if it's bad attention. They may wake up at night because they want a cuddle or some company. Try to give them more attention when they're behaving well and less when they're being difficult.

Do not feel you have to cope alone. If you're struggling with your child's behaviour:

• talk to your health visitor – they will be happy to support you and suggest some new strategies to try
• visit the Family Lives website for parenting advice and support, or phone their free parents' helpline on 0808 800 2222
• download the NSPCC's guide to positive parenting

Read coping with your teenager.

Video: how much does my child understand about being naughty? (6 to 30 months)

In this video, a health visitor explains whether your child understands about being naughty.

Media last reviewed: 17 August 2020
Media review due: 17 August 2023

Page last reviewed: 9 April 2020
Next review due: 9 April 2023

Managing Child Behavior Problems at Home

Quick Read

Kids’ difficult behavior can be a huge challenge for parents.  But by using techniques from behavioral therapy, parents can change the way kids react to the things that set them off.  

The first step is picking specific behaviors to target. Then, think about what causes the target behaviors. These causes are called triggers or “antecedents.” Often, antecedents are things that parents themselves do. For example, you might notice that your child tends to have a tantrum  when you ask them to switch activities. Or you might see that your child doesn’t follow instructions if it’s something they don’t want to do. 

The goal is to help children improve their behavior by using more helpful antecedents. For instance, a positive antecedent that helps kids with transitions is counting down to them so they have time to adjust. To help kids follow instructions, you might try giving them choices (“Do you want a shower after dinner or before?”), and not asking too much when your child is hungry, tired, or distracted. 

When kids act out in a minor way, ignoring it usually works best. And if you do use punishment, it should happen right away and happen the same way every time. Punishments like yelling and spanking can actually reinforce misbehavior because they give the child attention. It usually works better to use a short time-out, which takes your attention away from the child. 

Most importantly, give your child clear, specific rules about what is okay and what isn’t. And give them lots of praise when they behave well. In most cases of minor misbehavior, waiting for your child do something positive (like stop yelling) and then immediately giving them positive attention will help them learn to behave better over time. 

Full Article

6 min read

One of the biggest challenges parents face is managing difficult or defiant behavior on the part of children. Whether they’re refusing to put on their shoes, or throwing full-blown tantrums, you can find yourself at a loss for an effective way to respond.

For parents at their wits end, behavioral therapy techniques can provide a roadmap to calmer, more consistent ways to manage problem behaviors problems and offers a chance to help children develop gain the developmental skills they need to regulate their own behaviors.

To understand and respond effectively to problematic behavior, you have to think about what came before it, as well as what comes after it. There are three important aspects to any given behavior:

• Antecedents: Preceding factors that make a behavior more or less likely to occur. Another, more familiar term for this is triggers. Learning and anticipating antecedents is an extremely helpful tool in preventing misbehavior.
• Behaviors: The specific actions you are trying to encourage or discourage.
• Consequences: The results that naturally or logically follow a behavior. Consequences — positive or negative — affect the likelihood of a behavior recurring. And the more immediate the consequence, the more powerful it is.

The first step in a good behavior management plan is to identify target behaviors. These behaviors should be specific (so everyone is clear on what is expected), observable, and measurable (so everyone can agree whether or not the behavior happened).

An example of poorly defined behavior is “acting up,” or “being good.” A well-defined behavior would be running around the room (bad) or starting homework on time (good).

Antecedents come in many forms. Some prop up bad behavior, others are helpful tools that help parents manage potentially problematic behaviors before they begin and bolster good behavior.

• Assuming expectations are understood: Don’t assume kids know what is expected of them — spell it out! Demands change from situation to situation and when children are unsure of what they are supposed to be doing, they’re more likely to misbehave.
• Calling things out from a distance: Be sure to tell children important instructions face-to-face. Things yelled from a distance are less likely to be remembered and understood.
• Transitioning without warning: Transitions can be hard for kids, especially in the middle of something they are enjoying. Having warning gives children the chance to find a good stopping place for an activity and makes the transition less fraught.
• Asking rapid-fire questions, or giving a series of instructions: Delivering a series of questions or instructions at children limits the likelihood that they will hear, answer questions, remember the tasks, and do what they’ve been instructed to do.

Here are some antecedents that can bolster good behavior:

• Be aware of the situation: Consider and manage environmental and emotional factors — hunger, fatigue, anxiety or distractions can all make it much more difficult for children to rein in their behavior.
• Adjust the environment: When it’s homework time, for instance, remove distractions like video screens and toys, provide a snacks, establish an organized place for kids to work and make sure to schedule some breaks — attention isn’t infinite.
• Make expectations clear: You’ll get better cooperation if both you and your child are clear on what’s expected. Sit down with him and present the information verbally. Even if he “should” know what is expected, clarifying expectations at the outset of a task helps head off misunderstandings down the line.
• Provide countdowns for transitions: Whenever possible, prepare children for an upcoming transition. Let them know when there are, say, 10 minutes remaining before they must come to dinner or start their homework. Then, remind them, when there are say, 2 minutes, left. Just as important as issuing the countdown is actually making the transition at the stated time.
• Let kids have a choice: As kids grow up, it’s important they have a say in their own scheduling. Giving a structured choice — “Do you want to take a shower after dinner or before?” — can help them feel empowered and encourage them to become more self-regulating.

Not all consequences are created equal. Some are an excellent way to create structure and help kids understand the difference between acceptable behaviors and unacceptable behaviors while others have the potential to do more harm than good. As a parent having a strong understanding of how to intelligently and consistently use consequences can make all the difference.

• Giving negative attention: Children value attention from the important adults in their life so much that any attention  — positive or negative — is better than none. Negative attention, such as raising your voice or spanking — actually increases bad behavior over time. Also, responding to behaviors with criticism or yelling adversely affects children’s self-esteem.
• Delayed consequences: The most effective consequences are immediate. Every moment that passes after a behavior, your child is less likely to link her behavior to the consequence. It becomes punishing for the sake of punishing, and it’s much less likely to actually change the behavior.
• Disproportionate consequences: Parents understandably get very frustrated. At times, they may be so frustrated that they overreact. A huge consequence can be demoralizing for children and they may give up even trying to behave.
• Positive consequences: When a child dawdles instead of putting on his shoes or picking up his blocks and, in frustration, you do it for him, you’re increasing the likelihood that he will dawdle again next time.

Consequences that are more effective begin with generous attention to the behaviors you want to encourage.

• Positive attention for positive behaviors: Giving your child positive reinforcement for being good helps maintain the ongoing good behavior. Positive attention enhances the quality of the relationship, improves self-esteem, and feels good for everyone involved. Positive attention to brave behavior can also help attenuate anxiety, and help kids become more receptive to instructions and limit-setting.
• Ignoring actively: This should used ONLY with minor misbehaviors — NOT aggression and NOT very destructive behavior. Active ignoring involves the deliberate withdrawal of attention when a child starts to misbehave — as you ignore, you wait for positive behavior to resume. You want to give positive attention as soon as the desired behavior starts. By withholding your attention until you get positive behavior you are teaching your child what behavior gets you to engage.
• Reward menus: Rewards are a tangible way to give children positive feedback for desired behaviors. A reward is something a child earns, an acknowledgement that she’s doing something that’s difficult for her. Rewards are most effective as motivators when the child can choose from a variety of things: extra time on the iPad, a special treat, etc. This offers the child agency and reduces the possibility of a reward losing its appeal over time. Rewards should be linked to specific behaviors and always delivered consistently.
• Time outs: Time outs are one of the most effective consequences parents can use but also one of the hardest to do correctly. Here’s a quick guide to effective time out strategies.
• Be clear: Establish which behaviors will result in time outs. When a child exhibits that behavior, make sure the corresponding time out is relatively brief and immediately follows a negative behavior.
• Be consistent: Randomly administering time outs when you’re feeling frustrated undermines the system and makes it harder for the child to connect behaviors with consequences.
• Set rules and follow them: During a time out, there should be no talking to the child until you are ending the time out. Time out should end only once the child has been calm and quiet briefly so they learn to associate the end of time out with this desired behavior.
• Return to the task: If time out was issued for not complying with a task, once it ends the child should be instructed to complete the original task. This way, kids won’t begin to see time outs as an escape strategy.

By bringing practicing behavioral tools management at home, parents can make it a much more peaceful place to be.

This article was last reviewed or updated on April 14, 2022.

13.10.16

Recommendations of behavioral analyst, expert of the Foundation "Exit", Dr. Stefani Peterson

9000 9000

Dr. Stephanie Peterson-behavioral analyst (BCBA-D) , professor at the Department of Psychology at Western Michigan University (USA), member of the Department of Applied Behavior Analysis. He specializes in various aspects of the reinforcement process, the role of communication in problem behavior, behavioral technologies in correctional education, distance learning for autism specialists, and inclusive school education practices.

First of all, I want to emphasize that I'm going to talk about "normal" behavioral problems that parents face. These tips are also useful for children with severe behavioral disorders, but if a child has serious problematic behavior, such as self-injury, he will most likely need other methods of correction, and not just the simple rules that we will talk about now.

These recommendations are more likely to be called "prevention" of behavioral problems. By following these tips, parents can prevent the development of problem behavior in the first place.

The first thing parents need to understand is that a child's behavior is largely dependent on their own behavior. What parents say and do sets the stage for both desirable and undesirable behavior. When a desired or undesired behavior occurs, the immediate reaction of the parents will determine whether the behavior will occur more or less frequently in the future. And that's great news for parents!

Very often parents say: “My child behaves this way because he has autism”, “My child behaves this way because he has a fatherly character”, “My child behaves this way because he has Down syndrome” and so on. We all have a tendency to attribute behavior to internal causes that we can't do anything about. However, in reality, many, not all, but many types of human behavior are largely controlled by environmental factors. So in most cases, you can change behavior by changing the context in which it occurs. So this news is great!

So, there are several strategies by which parents can change the context of behavior and can create "conditions of success" for the child.

1. Monitor Good Behavior

Parents need to keep a close eye on their child and try to "catch" him doing something good. It's too easy for parents, when a child behaves well, to simply say to themselves: "Great, the child plays well, I can switch to my own affairs." For example, mom goes to another room to do laundry or cook dinner, because everything is quiet and calm. Therefore, it turns out that when the desired behavior occurs, no one pays attention to it.

So the first thing I recommend to parents is to specifically look for good behaviors in a child, and make sure that when the child behaves well, you somehow notice it, even if you just say: “What a good job you are!” Praise your child for good behavior, pay attention to him. Make sure that when the child behaves well, he gets something for it, that such behavior is beneficial for him.

Otherwise, very often it turns out that when a child behaves well, everyone ignores him, but when he starts to play around and do something wrong, the parents immediately run up to him: “What are you doing? I asked you not to mess around! I have to cook dinner! Why can't you just play with your brother?" And it turns out that in order to get parental attention, to get mom to return to the room, the child needs to behave badly again. And this is a trap that is easy to fall into.

Therefore, it is important to develop the habit of being aware of how the child is behaving now, "catching" his good behavior, paying attention to it and praising or otherwise encouraging him as often as possible.

2. If the behavior is problematic, think about its causes

If the unwanted behavior does occur, think about what exactly the child gets as a result. There must be something that makes this behavior beneficial for the child. It could be your attention, as in the earlier example. This may be a specific reaction of an adult or another child that he wants to evoke. Maybe the toy was taken away from him and he is arguing because he wants to get the toy back? Or is he screaming because you asked him to do something he doesn't want to do? Try to determine what he is trying to get in this way.

If you succeed, then, if possible, try to make sure that this behavior does not lead to the consequences that the child needs. For example, if a child fights to get a toy, make sure he doesn't get the toy. Instead, wait until the behavior stops. When the child has calmed down, tell him more appropriate behavior, for example, he can say: "Give me the car, please." Make sure the child receives the toy only in response to socially acceptable behavior, not in response to screaming.

I understand that this is not always possible, but try your best. And if you succeed, you will see that the child switches to the desired behavior because it works, and the problematic behavior is no longer useful.

3. Specially plan situations in which the child will be able to practice the desired behavior

Very often, especially if the child has developmental features, parents begin to "foresee" his desires and needs. For example: “Oh, at dinner he will definitely want to drink juice. You need to put the juice on the table. Oh, and his juice is almost over, you need to pour more, otherwise he will cry. Perhaps the child does not have good speech skills, so the mother or grandmother thinks they are helping, because the child himself cannot ask for juice. The problem is that when you anticipate a child's wishes and he doesn't have to ask for anything, you don't give the child the opportunity to practice good behavior.

I urge you to try as often as possible to create situations in which the child can demonstrate the desired skills. Tell him, teach him. In some situations, you can tell the child to use an existing skill, in others, you need to teach the child a new one. For example, in the juice example, if the child has speech problems, then other ways should be identified by which the child can ask for what he needs. In the US, we often use American Sign Language and a child can learn to make the "drink" sign, for example, it's a very simple gesture. And the next time the child runs out of juice, I can take a pack of juice and prompt the child to make a “drink” gesture. I can show the child what he has to do. If the child still does not make the necessary gesture, I can take his hand and help him, then I will say: “Yes, juice!” and give him juice. And now I have taught the child what to do, I have provided him with a tool to control the outside world.

4. Make your expectations as specific and clear as possible

Another very important strategy is to break each child's task into small, clear steps. There are a couple of mistakes that I see very often with parents, and one of those mistakes is vague and abstract requirements.

For example, if I say to my daughter, "Clean up your room," that phrase might mean one thing to me and something completely different to her. My criteria for a clean room and her criteria are not necessarily the same. Sometimes for her this means: "Gather up all the things that are lying around in the room, stuff them in the closet and close the door." And it may seem to me that the room looks good, but only until the moment when I open the closet and a bunch of things fall out on me.

A more specific instruction, in this case, would be something like this: "Collect all the clothes that are lying around in the room, hang them in the closet on hangers or fold them and put them in the laundry box. " In this way, my expectations become much clearer.

Another point that is important to pay attention to is that the task should be divided into simple and specific steps, each of which can be easily dealt with. So I can say, "Pick up these clothes and hang them in the closet." After this is done, I, first of all, will have to praise her (we remember - it is important to emphasize good behavior): “Just wonderful, thank you so much!” Then I can say, "Part of the work is done, now let's pick up these clothes and put them in a drawer" or "Let's put these toys in a container."

If I am specific, if I divide the task into small parts, then the likelihood that my requirements will be met will increase significantly. And I can praise her after every step, "catch" her for good behavior.

There are a lot of scientific studies that show that the formulation of your requirements is of great importance. So if I say: “Stop running!”, I am unlikely to achieve what I want. But if I say, "Come with me," then the likelihood that I will be listened to will be much higher. We call such requests “what to do,” as opposed to “what not to do.”

So it's important to make your instructions specific, avoid the "not" part, divide tasks into simple steps, and give regular praise for completing them.

5. Create a schedule for your child where likes and dislikes alternate.

Having a daily routine where the child's desirable activities naturally follow the less desirable activities can greatly improve his behavior. For example, my daughter is cleaning her room, and she knows that after that we will go to the grocery store, which she loves because I let her choose something tasty there. In this case, I can easily use the store as a reward for cleaning the room.

I can say, "It's time to tidy up the room, pack your things and hang them in the closet." After she does this, I can say, “Great! Great job! Now put these things in a drawer, and when you're done, we'll go to the store and buy something delicious." Now I have increased her motivation to complete the difficult task I have given her.

So if I carefully analyze the daily routine, then I can change it so that the events preferred by the child come after some difficult tasks. Thus, her motivation to complete the tasks will become higher, and the likelihood of success will also increase.

This strategy is called Premack's principle, but very often we call it "grandma's rule" because grandma might say, "Eat the vegetables first, then the dessert." The same is true here.
And after the store, I can say: "We have to go home, we still have to do this and that." And this, too, can be a task that she does not like. So I'll add, "And when you're done with that, we'll play." So that I can analyze what I want to entrust to my daughter, and not make her do all this in the morning, it is better to stretch things out over time, including something pleasant between them.

6. Never forget that you are an adult here. will stick." The idea is that kids will misbehave, they will. They will swear, they will try to piss you off.

My daughter is still a child, she is learning, she will inevitably make mistakes, but I am already an adult and I should not take her mistakes personally. I take a deep breath and tell myself, “I’m the adult here, I won’t take this as a personal attack. I am calm, I am completely calm. I can handle it."

Because if you overreact to the child's behavior, you can only exacerbate the problem. So sometimes it's very important to take a step back, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are not perfect and you will make mistakes too, and even if you need a break, it's okay, you can deal with it when you calm down, you don't need to feel guilty.

Finally, it's important to remember that every instance of problem behavior doesn't just upset us, it teaches us something useful. When a child misbehaves, you can say, “Aha! This moment can teach me something."

The child does not try to upset and "drive" you. The child is trying to tell you about some problem that needs to be solved. The child is trying to show that she does not know how it is done, or what I want from her. Or the child shows that she does not want to do this. So it's my job as a parent to either teach her how to do it or make sure she gets something out of it so she'll be motivated to do the task next time.

So yeah, sometimes you have to step back and think, “OK, what does this behavior say? What skill should I teach my child? This does not mean that I have a bad child, this does not mean that I am a bad mother, this is just a moment that communicates a problem that needs to be solved. And we can both use this moment to learn something new.

And it is very important to separate what we, as parents, can control and what is beyond our control. I cannot change the fact that my child has a disability, I cannot change the fact that my child has autism, I cannot change the fact that my child has a paternal character. All these reasons that people try to explain behavior, we cannot change. But we can influence those variables that are in the world around us, and which affect behavior much more than we think.

We hope that the information on our website will be useful or interesting for you. You can support people with autism in Russia and contribute to the work of the Foundation by clicking on the "Help" button.

ABA Therapy and Behavior, Parenting Children with Autism

| Behavioral and emotional disorders in children

It is generally accepted that children are prone to colds and various viral diseases, although neuropsychiatric disorders in children are quite common and cause many problems for both the patients themselves and their parents.

And most importantly, they can become the foundation for further difficulties and problems in social interaction with peers and adults, in emotional, intellectual and social development, the cause of school "failure", difficulties in social adaptation.

As with adults, neuropsychiatric disorders in children are diagnosed on the basis of a range of symptoms and signs that are specific to certain disorders.

But it should be taken into account that the diagnostic process in children is much more complicated, and some behavioral forms may not look like symptoms of mental disorders at all. Often this confuses parents and makes it possible to “hide” their heads in the sand for a long time. It is strictly forbidden to do this and it is very DANGEROUS !!!

For example, this category includes strange eating habits, excessive nervousness, emotionality, hyperactivity, aggression, tearfulness, "field" behavior, which can be regarded as part of the normal development of the child.

Behavioral disorders in children include a number of behavioral dissociative disorders, which are manifested by aggressive, defiant or inadequate actions, reaching open non-compliance with age-appropriate social norms.

Typical signs of pathology can be:

- "field" behavior, inability to sit in one place and concentrate one's attention;

- Excessive fever and intentional hooliganism,

- Cruelty to other people or animals,

- deliberate damage to property,

- arson,

- theft,

- deception,

- leaving,

- frequent, causeless and severe outbursts of anger;

- defiant provocative actions;

- systematic disobedience.

Any of the listed categories, if sufficiently pronounced, is a cause for concern, not in itself, but as a symptom of a serious illness.

• Hyperactive behavior

• Demonstrative behavior

This type of behavioral disorder in children is manifested by intentional and conscious non-compliance with generally accepted social norms. Deviant acts are usually directed at adults.

• Attention deficit disorder
• Protest behavior

There are three forms of this pathology: negativism, obstinacy and stubbornness.

Negativism - refusal of a child to do something just because he was asked to do it. Most often it occurs as a result of improper upbringing. Characteristic manifestations include causeless crying, impudence, rudeness, or, on the contrary, isolation, alienation, and resentment.

Stubbornness - the desire to achieve one's goal in order to go against the parents, and not satisfy a real desire.

Obstinacy - in this case, the protest is directed against the norms of upbringing and the imposed lifestyle in general, and not against the leading adult.

• Aggressive behavior

Aggressive behavior is understood as targeted actions of a destructive nature, contrary to the norms and rules adopted in society. The child causes psychological discomfort in others, causes physical damage to living and inanimate objects, etc.

• Infantile behavior

In the actions of infantile children, traits characteristic of an earlier age or a previous stage of development can be traced. With an appropriate level of physical abilities, the child is distinguished by the immaturity of integrative personal formations.

• Conformal behavior

Conformal behavior is manifested by complete submission to external conditions. Its basis is usually involuntary imitation, high suggestibility.

• Symptomatic behavior (fears, tics, psychosomatics, logoneurosis, hesitations in speech)

In this case, behavioral disturbance in children is a kind of signal that the current situation is no longer bearable for a fragile psyche. Example: vomiting or nausea as a reaction to stress.

It is always very difficult to diagnose disorders in children.

But, if the signs can be recognized in time and consult a specialist in time, and treatment and correction can be started without delay, then severe manifestations of the disease can be avoided , or they can be minimized.

It must be remembered that childhood neuropsychiatric disorders do not go unnoticed, they leave their negative mark on the development and social opportunities of a little man.

But if professional neuropsychological assistance is provided in a timely manner, many diseases of the child's psyche are cured to the fullest extent, and some can be SUCCESSFULLY ADJUSTED and feel comfortable in society.

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