How to help a child who is cutting

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What is Self-Harm?

For some people, when depression and anxiety lead to a tornado of emotions, they turn to self-harm looking for a release. Self-harm and self-injury are any forms of hurting oneself on purpose. Usually, when people self-harm, they do not do so as a suicide attempt. Rather, they self-harm as a way to release painful emotions.

Types of Self-Harm

Self-harm can manifest differently for everyone. And, the ways people may self-harm extend far beyond the usual references to cutting in media. Simply, self-harm is anything and everything someone can do to purposely hurt their body.

Here are some of the most common types of self-injury:

Cutting
Scratching
Burning
Carving words or symbols into the skin
Hitting or punching oneself (including banging one’s head or other body parts against another surface)
Piercing the skin with sharp objects such as hairpins
Pulling out hair
Picking at existing wounds

Symptoms of Self-Harm

Stigma creates shame and embarrassment, making it hard for people who self-harm to get help. So, look out for yourself and for your pals. If you suspect that someone in your life is self-harming, here are some warning signs to keep top of mind:

Scars
Fresh cuts, burns, scratches, or bruises
Rubbing an area excessively to create a burn
Having sharp objects on hand
Wearing long sleeves or long pants, even in hot weather
Difficulties with interpersonal relationships
Persistent questions about personal identity
Behavioral and emotional instability, impulsiveness, or unpredictability
Saying that they feel helpless, hopeless, or worthless

Crisis Text Line can help you deal with self-harm. Text a Crisis Counselor at 741741, or use the mobile text button below.

How to Deal With Self-Harm

Emotions can be really painful sometimes. It’s totally normal to need ways to cope with and process the hard things in your life. If you are using self-harm to manage your emotions, we’re here for you. And, we want to help keep you safe.

Here are some ways to push through, process, and cope with your emotions.

Text to cool down. If you’re dealing with painful emotions, we’re here to help. Shoot us a text to connect with a real human and strategize healthy coping mechanisms to manage your emotions. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a real human.
Get creative. Studies show that diving into making art can help people process emotions. So, next time you’re feeling like self-harming, grab your sharpie and doodle your worries away. A bonus: you can totally suck at it and still reap the same rewards.
Find your zen. Keeping yourself safe from self-harming is all about finding healthy alternatives to work through the hard stuff. Researchers found taking time to re-center through meditation to be a powerful way to find your cool and calm. Try using an app like Headspace to get on the meditation bandwagon.
Talk to a pro. Self-harm is serious. And, while the intention behind self-harm usually is not death, it can still be dangerous—both physically and emotionally. Talking to someone who can help you find alternatives is incredibly important. Of course, you can start by texting us. Also, consider telling someone you know who can help you connect with a professional.

Why Do People Self-Harm?

Let’s start with this: everyone needs a way to cope with their emotions. People who self-harm have turned to hurting themselves as their coping mechanism to manage their emotions.

So, people might self-harm to:

Process their negative feelings
Distract themselves from their negative feelings
Feel something physical, particularly if they are feeling numb
Develop a sense of control over their lives
Punish themselves for things they think they’ve done wrong
Express emotions that they are otherwise embarrassed to show

Effects of Self-Harm

Self-harm can be seriously dangerous—physically, emotionally, socially, all of it.

Physical Effects of Self-Harm

Permanent scars
Uncontrolled bleeding
Infection
Emotional Effects of Self-Harm
Guilt or shame
A diminished sense of self, including feeling helpless or worthless
Addiction to the behavior

Social Effects of Self-Harm

Avoiding friends and loved ones
Becoming ostracized from loved ones who may not understand
Interpersonal difficulty from lying to others about injuries

Recovering from Self-Harm

A lot of people who self-harm do so because they are dealing with painful emotions. If this applies to you, hi—we believe in you and recognize your pain. Because painful emotions are at the root of self-harm, quite often recovering from self-harm involves addressing emotions.

Breaking away from the cycle of self-harm can feel like a huge climb. It involves breaking a habit that has once brought comfort from pain. But, it is not impossible. Here are some steps to set you up for success:

Name your reason for hurting yourself and your reason for quitting. Ask yourself: “What do I feel before, during, and after self-injury? Which of those emotions do I actively seek out, and which are harmful?”
Identify other ways of achieving the same result. For example, if you self-harm for the physical sensation, seek other ways of releasing endorphins, like exercise. For real, try throwing a few punches at a kickboxing class or tapping it back in a spin class with the *perfect* playlist. If you self-harm to express your emotions, practice expressing them in words by writing them down. Grab a pen and your favorite notebook, or start typing away in your notes app.
Tackle the underlying emotions. Explore the feelings that lead you to want to hurt yourself. If it’s guilt, where is that guilt coming from? Maybe try finding a therapist—there are pros trained specifically to help with this.
Tell someone you trust. Let a friend, family member, or trusted adult know what you’re going through and that you need their support. Opening up to people can be easier said than done. Here’s a place to start: “I’m having a hard time processing some painful emotions and I could use your support right now.”

Getting healthy—both in your brain and in your body—takes hard work. You got this. And, we believe in you.

Text a Crisis Counselor at 741471 or use the mobile click to text button below. You’re not alone.

Pass 741741 On To A Friend

You never know who might need Crisis Text Line. Pass it on and tell the people in your life to text HOME to 741741 if they’re ever in crisis.

Helping Teens Who Self-Harm (for Parents)

Most of us know that some teens cut. But cutting — using a sharp object like a razorblade, knife, or scissors to make marks, cuts, or scratches on one's own body — is just one form of self-injury. Teens who self-injure also might burn, scratch, or hit themselves; bang their head; pull their hair; pinch their skin; pierce their skin with needles or sharp objects; or insert objects under their skin.

It can be hard to understand why teens would hurt themselves on purpose. Learning that your own teen is doing it can leave you feeling shocked and upset — and not sure what to do or how to help.

Why Do Teens Self-Injure?

For most who do it, cutting or other self-harm is an attempt to interrupt strong emotions and pressures that seem impossible to tolerate. It can be related to broader emotional issues that need attention. Most of the time, it's not a suicide attempt.

Cutting affects many teens and preteens — even beyond those who self-injure. Many teens worry about a friend who cuts or face pressure from peers to try cutting as a daring thing to do.

In many cases, cutting and the emotions that go along with it are something teens struggle with alone. But because of growing awareness, more teens can get the help they need.

Parents can help teens who harm themselves — and the earlier, the better. Cutting and other self-injury can be habit-forming, and sadly, many people underestimate the risks of getting seriously sick or hurt that go along with it.

How Can Parents Help?

If your teen self-injures, there ways to help. By learning about it, coping with your own feelings, finding professional help, and just being there to love and believe in your teen, you'll provide the calm, steady support that they need.

Accept your own emotions. If you know or suspect that your teen is self-harming, it's natural to feel a whole range of emotions. You might feel shocked, angry, sad, disappointed, confused, or scared. You might feel hurt that your teen didn't come to you for help or feel guilty that you didn't know about it. All of these emotions are completely understandable. But it's not your fault, and it's not your teen's fault.

Take time to identify your own feelings and find a way to express them. This might mean having a good cry, talking with a friend, or going for a walk to let off steam or quietly reflect. If you feel overwhelmed, talking with a therapist can help you sort things through and gain some perspective so that you can provide the support your teen needs.

Learn all you can about it. Find out all you can about self-injury, why teens do it, and what can help them stop. Some teens cut because of peer pressure — and once they start, they can't easily stop. Other teens feel pressure to be perfect and struggle to accept failures or mistakes. And still others contend with powerful moods like anger, sadness, worthlessness, and despair that feel hard to control or too heavy to bear. Self-harm is sometimes the result of trauma and painful experiences that no one knows about.

It can hurt to think that your child might experience any of these feelings. As difficult as it is, try to keep in mind that exploring what pressures prompt your teen to self-injure is a necessary step toward healing.

Communication Is Key

Talk to your child. It can be hard to talk about such a painful topic. You may not know what you're going to say. That's OK. What you say won't be nearly as important as how you say it. To open the conversation, you might simply say that you know about the cutting or other self-harm, and then convey your concern, love, and your willingness to help your child stop.

It will probably be hard for your teen to talk about it too. They might feel embarrassed or ashamed, or worried about how you'll react or what the consequences might be. You can help ease these worries by asking questions and listening to what your teen has to say without reacting with punishment, scolding, or lectures. Try to avoid judgment or reacting with fear or disgust, and instead try to respond with a compassionate, supportive stance when possible.

Let your teen know that self-harm is often related to painful experiences or intense pressures, and ask what difficult issues your teen may be facing. Your teen might not be ready to talk about it or even know why they do it. Even if that's the case, explain that you want to understand and find ways to help.

Don't be surprised if your teen resists your efforts to talk about it. They might deny that they do it, get angry or upset, cry, yell, or storm off. A teen might clam up or say that you just don't understand. If something like this happens, try to stay calm and patient. Don't give up — find another time to communicate and try again.

Find professional help. It's important to get help from a qualified mental health professional who can help you understand why your teen self-harms, and also help your teen heal old hurts and develop new coping skills.

Therapy can allow teens to tell their stories, put their difficult experiences into words, and learn skills to deal with stresses that are part of life. Therapy also can help identify any underlying mental health condition that needs evaluation and treatment. For many teens, cutting or other self-injury is a clue to depression or bipolar (mood) problems, unresolved grief, compulsive behaviors, or struggles with perfectionism.

It's important to find a therapist your teen can feel open and comfortable with. If you need help finding someone, your doctor or a school counselor might be able to provide guidance.

Staying Positive

Offer encouragement and support. While your teen is getting professional help, stay involved in the process as much as possible. Ask the therapist to guide you in how to talk with and support your teen. And ask your teen how you can best help.

For example, it may help to:

Let your teen know you'll be there to talk to when feelings are painful or troubles seem too hard to bear.
Help your teen create a plan for what to do instead of self-harming when pressures get strong.
Encourage your teen to talk about everyday experiences and put feelings, needs, disappointments, successes, and opinions into words.
Be there to listen, comfort, and help your teen think of solutions to problems and offer support when troubles arise.
Spend time together doing something fun, relaxing, or just hanging out. You might take a walk, go for a drive, share a snack, or run some errands.
Focus on positives. While it helps to talk about troubles, avoid dwelling on them. Make sure what's good about life gets airtime, too.

Set a good example. Be aware that you can influence how your child responds to stress and pressure by setting a good example. Notice how you manage your own emotions and deal with everyday frustrations, stress, and pressure. Notice whether you tend to put others down, or are self-critical or quick to anger. Consider making changes in any patterns you wouldn't want your teen to imitate.

Be patient and be hopeful. Finding out that your teen is self-harming may be the beginning of a long process. It can take time to stop — and sometimes a teen doesn't want to stop or isn't ready to make the changes it involves.

To stop cutting or another type of self-injury takes motivation and determination. It also takes self-awareness and practicing new skills to manage pressures and emotional distress. These things can take time and often require professional help.

As a parent, you might need to be patient. With the proper guidance, love, and support, know that your teen can stop and can learn healthy ways to cope.

Reviewed by: Leah J. Orchinik, PhD

Date reviewed: June 2022

The child cuts himself. 7 essential things to know about self-harm

About 18-30% of all teenagers have tried self-harm at least once in their lives. Most often, self-harm begins in the period of 12-15 years and is associated with psychological problems. Nastasya Krysko, an adolescent psychologist, cognitive behavioral therapist, host of a telegram channel about self-kindness, told the main thing you need to know about self-harm in a child.

Self-injurious behavior, or self-harm, is self-harm in order to cope with difficult experiences, painful memories, situations, and the inability to control one's life. This could include cuts, burns, and blows. Self-harmful behavior is resorted to by people from 8 years old to old age, most often self-harm occurs in adolescents.

Self-injurious behavior always has some function, most often it is a way of emotional self-regulation. For example, some teenagers describe self-harm as a way to express what is difficult to put into words; make emotional pain physical; get rid of unbearable experiences and thoughts; regain a sense of control; escape from traumatic memories; punish yourself - for terrible behavior, feelings or thoughts; stop feeling numb; express suicidal thoughts and intentions without committing them, etc.

It is important to understand that self-harm works in a vicious circle: some situation (trigger) occurs - a negative thought arises in it, which causes negative emotions, - emotions build up - the idea of \u200b\u200bself-harm invades - self-harm occurs, which gives temporary relief. But since the problem itself has not been resolved, thoughts that negatively affect a person remain, the person falls into the “self-harm trap”.

Unhelpful phrases

It's normal not to know what to say when you see a child's cuts. Most often, we utter unhelpful phrases out of impotence or anxiety and do not put anything bad into them, but it is important to remember that these words can be perceived in a completely different way by a teenager.

It's all in your head.
Don't make problems out of nothing.
Get a grip.
They still manage somehow, and you, too, come on.
Just look at things more optimistically.
There are so many other things in your life, and you are all about one thing.
Stop pretending to be crazy.
What's the matter with you?
You should have felt better a long time ago.
It's a teenage crisis - get over it.

For example, a teenager got an F and he had thoughts "I'm stupid, I'm good for nothing, my parents are disappointed in me." These thoughts influence the increase in the intensity of emotions - sadness, anxiety, anger, despair. At some point, a teenager thinks: “I can’t stand this, I need to cut myself,” and cuts himself. This gives temporary relief, but since the thoughts themselves remained and there was no other way to cope with strong negative emotions, then most likely the teenager will often cut himself and fall into the selfharm trap.

In order to reduce a teenager's chances of hurting himself in any way, it is important to do some work: understand the mechanism of self-harm and train other safe skills to deal with strong emotions and solve problems. Developing a safety plan can help support your teen in avoiding self-harming behavior. This plan may include the following items:

Signals that a crisis is approaching (situations, thoughts, sensations, images)
Ways, techniques, practices to distract yourself
People who can distract (list of contacts: friends, relatives, whom you can call and talk to, go for a walk)
People you can ask for support (list of contacts)
Places where you can find support (where you can go for a walk to help yourself gain strength, switch, it should be some kind of resourceful and safe place)
Professionals and organizations to contact during a crisis (contacts of professionals who work with your teenager)
Emergency (emergency contacts: helplines, crisis chats, ambulance)
Prevention: how can I make my environment safer

There is a myth that teenagers use selfharm to manipulate and get attention. Because of this myth, those who injure themselves in some way feel judged, rejected, and not taken seriously, leaving them alone with their suffering. If your teenager uses self-pharmaceutical, do not yell at him, do not criticize, do not ignore, but offer to discuss what is happening to him, and offer to contact specialists.

Useful phrases

Supportive phrases are most often aimed at conveying that a person is not alone, they are not judged and are ready to help:

You are not alone.
I am by your side.
You are not bad.
I may not fully understand how you feel, but I'm worried about you and want to help.
You mean a lot to me, and I care about your life.
It seems that you have strong feelings and difficulties along the way.
I am always ready to support and help you.
I would like to understand more about you and your condition.
If you want, I can give advice.
I believe that we will deal with these difficulties together.

Take care of yourself, find support, formulate what you would like to say to your child. Try not to panic or overreact. How you behave can affect how open he or she is with you. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Try not to be judgmental.
Let me know you're around.
Remember that a person is much more than his problem.
Try to show empathy and understanding of the reasons for these actions.
Offer help and support.
Remind the teenager of his strengths and the things he is good at.
Offer to put together an algorithm of what is important to do when thoughts of selfharm arise.
Do not discuss more than one topic with your teenager in this conversation. If you suggested discussing self-harm, then in this dialogue it is important not to switch to other problems like cleaning, studying, and so on.
As a parent, get information and support from experts. You can read a brochure on self-harming behavior, for example here.
Will not help in dialogue with a teenager who uses self-harm, but will only increase his aloofness and closeness: criticism, accusation, shame, devaluation, ignoring damages or, conversely, too much focus on them, the use of violence.

Supporting a child using self-harm can be a difficult and long journey, with ups and downs. Parental self-care becomes an important skill that we will build upon with the support of the adolescent:

Remind yourself that change is not linear and takes time.
Find out what types of help and support are available.
Request and receive support and information for yourself.
You can also contact specialists for support.

Self-injurious behavior requires supportive work aimed at strengthening the skills of awareness, stress tolerance, emotional self-regulation, self-care, and effective communication. At the moment, dialectical-behavioral therapy has a high proven effectiveness in chronic suicidal and self-damaging behavior, including in adolescents.

On April 14–16, Nastasya Krysko took part in the International Scientific and Practical Conference "Teenager in the Megapolis: Inequality and Opportunities", where psychologists and teachers discussed the main problems of modern high school students: from physicality and psychophysiology to digital socialization and gadgets.

Illustrations: Kira Illarionova for Mel

Illustration: Kira Illarionova

How to help a child if he cuts himself?

Often teenagers' reluctance to follow the rules and do what teachers and parents tell them gets them too far. Inflicting cuts and wounds on oneself is a manifestation of auto-aggression, and in order to cope with it, a teenager needs help. Psychologist Olga Bortnovskaya explains which one.

18+. If stories about psychological problems and self-harm are a trigger for you, do not read this text.

Question. My fourteen year old daughter has become completely out of control. I no longer have the strength to fight her. Recently, she cut herself because of a guy, drank alcohol. If I take the phone away, she goes into hysterics. What to do?

Answer. 14 years is one of the most difficult periods in raising children, which can be compared to driving a car without brakes.

It is important to say that even those parents who were able to establish good contact with the child before the onset of adolescence face difficulties and uncontrollable behavior of adolescents. Therefore, although the latter have chances for a constructive dialogue with the child, it will also not always be possible.

Strange, incomprehensible or frightening behavior is often explained by serious changes taking place in a teenager's body: hormone levels are still unstable, and therefore a person's reactions to events occurring in his life may be inadequate. The volitional aspect, which could help with various manifestations of adolescence, and the part of the brain that is responsible for logic, adequacy and prudence (it is called the “neocortex”) are still being formed. This process will continue until the age of 21.

Therefore, parents should understand that at this age it is really physically difficult for their children to follow the rules and behave sensibly. But nevertheless, adults need to gradually establish positive contact with their children. Or at least try to do so.

The self-destructive behavior that the questioner is talking about, or the intention to harm oneself in a physical or emotional sense, is called auto-aggression. This is the psychological defense mechanism of our body, which is included in response to pain, difficulties, or something else.

Mom writes that her daughter is experiencing unrequited love or separation. For a teenager, such an experience is catastrophic. Perhaps, with the help of self-destructive actions, the girl is trying to attract attention to herself. Suffering, she receives care and regret, feels her need.

Taking away her phone in such a situation is not a very appropriate measure of influence.

It’s like you are taking away the whole world, all her friends — and once again proving to your daughter that you don’t understand anything in this life

The task of the parent is not to come up with punitive methods of influence, but to help the child. Surviving adolescence with a minimally traumatic experience is possible, only the child needs help with this.

1. Find something to do together. It's never too late to come up with some new family tradition: watch a movie on the day off, go to the park, ride bikes.

2. Learn to talk. Tell me more often what is happening in your life, how you feel now, what is happening at work. At the same time, you should not ask too many questions to the teenager himself: he will want to share something when he realizes that you can communicate with you without shouting and accusations. Talk about the future, about plans, dreams.

3. Offer to take out the aggression. If the pain from the stressful event is severe, suggest boxing or playing sports to vent the aggression. You need to learn how to do it in an environmentally friendly way: you can experience pain through drawing or dancing to music turned on at full volume.

4. Change the environment. A radical step is a change of school or place of residence. This will allow you to make new contacts and, possibly, distract from problems. Nevertheless, it is worth taking such a step only after discussion with a teenager.

5. Suggest a new hobby. It is unlikely that a teenager will have enough motivation to do something new, but he may like this idea. It's definitely worth a try.

6. Find a healthy alternative to self-harm together. Auto-aggression is an attempt to declare oneself to the world. But you can do it in other, healthier ways. For example, you can dye your hair a bright color, get a new haircut, pick out extravagant clothes, or try henna tattooing.

7. Stay by the child's side. This is the most important thing. No matter what nonsense he does.