How to handle an extremely defiant child

How to Parent a Defiant Child

All parents deal with defiance at some point in their children’s lives. However, some children are persistently more defiant than others. As frustrating as this may be, there are ways to reduce your household stress. Here are some tips for parenting a defiant child.

Look for Underlying Issues

Defiance can stem from a number of circumstances. For some children, being defiant is a way to get attention or take control over their lives. Other children become defiant because of hormonal changes and other developmental struggles. In some instances though, the defiance is the result of an underlying issue, such as a learning disability, autism, oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), childhood depression, trauma, grief, or other conditions.

Try to look for the root cause of the defiance. When did this behavior start, and what sparked it? At Oakland Psychological Clinic, we provide psychological testing services to address some of these questions. If your child has an underlying condition, we can provide a definitive diagnosis. Then you can seek treatment that may resolve the defiance issues.

Take a Break before Assigning a Punishment

When responding to defiant behavior, do not punish in the moment. Instead, tell your child that you are disappointed and will discuss the consequences later. This gives you time to calm down and your child time to think over his actions. If you respond in the moment, you may react in a combative manner. That will only fuel the defiant behavior.

Be Consistent with Disciplinary Strategies

If you say no, mean it. Consistency is crucial for all parenting strategies. If your child knows you will eventually say yes, he will continue to pester you or act out. Grounded for two weeks? Then two weeks it is. No video games after 6 PM? Stick to it. You’ll be setting a precedent that will make parenting easier in the future.

Celebrate Your Child’s Accomplishments – Even the Small Ones

If your child continually defies you, you may become focused on the negative. Every response or reaction you have is to defiant behavior. Try to offset that by celebrating your child’s accomplishments. “Thank you for taking out the trash.” Sure, you may have asked six times before he took it out, but that doesn’t negate the accomplishment. Find ways to lift your child’s spirits so he feels recognized. Otherwise, he may think the only way to get attention is through defiant behavior.

Prioritize Family Time

Family activities create a natural platform for communication. You’re spending time together, laughing together, talking together, and making memories along the way. This open flow of communication may deter some defiant behaviors. Your child feels more comfortable talking to you. Thus he may express his emotions, rather than acting out.

Make family time a priority. Keep cell phones out of reach, and plan activities that everyone enjoys. From family board games to movie nights, the possibilities are endless.

If you would like to get matched with a family therapist or child therapist near you, contact Oakland Psychological Clinic.

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8 Strategies for Dealing with a Defiant Child

When a child acts out and demonstrates defiant behavior, there’s usually an underlying reason. Maybe your child is seeking attention, testing boundaries, or frustrated about school or her social life. Taking the time to understand why your child is acting out is often a big part of finding the solution.

Could you be dealing with oppositional defiant disorder?

First, make sure your child’s behavior isn’t an ongoing pattern. Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) isn’t just a buzzword, it’s something very real that 1 to 16 percent of children and their parents struggle with. Here’s how the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry defines ODD.

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is one of a group of behavioral disorders called disruptive behavior disorders (DBD). These disorders are called this because children who have these disorders tend to disrupt those around them. ODD is one of the more common mental health disorders found in children and adolescents.

Physicians define ODD as a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior directed toward authority figures. Children and adolescents with ODD often rebel, are stubborn, argue with adults, and refuse to obey. They have angry outbursts and have a hard time controlling their temper.

, American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

A child with oppositional defiant disorder:

Has frequent temper tantrums
Argues constantly with adults
Refuses to do what is asked of an adult
Always questions rules and refuses to follow rules
Does things to annoy or upset others, including adults
Blames others for his/her own misbehaviors or mistakes
Is easily annoyed by others
Often displays an angry attitude
Speaks harshly or unkindly
Seeks revenge or acts vindictively

Any child can act out from time to time, but children with ODD show a constant pattern of hostility and defiance, usually aimed at people in authority like parents or teachers. Their behavior interferes with learning and school activities.

If you suspect your child may have ODD, seek guidance from your child’s doctor or a mental health professional.

How to parent a defiant child

If your child is like most kids and has occasional periods of defiance, there are things you can do to make things easier. I discovered eight strategies that helped me with my own brood. By following these techniques, you too can survive your child’s maddening moments.

1. Make your expectations clear

Children of all ages need to know the family rules for things like opens in a new windowhelping out with chores, completing homework, bedtime and curfews, and acceptable behavior toward others. The time to discuss these matters is when things are going well, not after an incident has occurred.

Sit down with your kids and let them know what types of behaviors you will not tolerate. List examples of unacceptable behaviors such as treating others with disrespect, refusing to do chores or homework, mistreating possessions, or physical aggression like hitting or biting.

The goal is not to prevent your child from ever breaking the rules but to teach him that when rules are broken, consequences follow.

You can’t expect your child to be compliant if he doesn’t know your expectations. The goal is not to prevent your child from ever breaking the rules but to teach him—preferably from a young age—that when rules are broken, consequences follow.

In my family, we took the time to write our rules and their respective consequences on a poster board which we have framed and hanging in our home. This way, there’s never a question as to our expectations.

2. Choose your battles

Parenting is exhausting enough when things are going well, but when one of your children is purposefully misbehaving, the difficulties are multiplied. So choose how you spend your energy wisely!

Let’s say your high schooler wants to wear pants that are too big because that’s the style. Do you really want to start the day off on a negative note by hassling him over his fashion choices? On the other hand, if he tells you he isn’t going to school because he doesn’t feel like it, that’s just not going to fly. Save your mental energy, not to mention your child’s, for more serious issues.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my 18 years of parenting is that you can’t change your child’s attitude unless you change your own first. Which brings us to strategy number three.

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3. Act, don’t react

When you witness defiant behavior from your child, don’t get angry and lose your temper. Instead, take a step back and tell your child that you don’t approve of the behavior and she needs to stop. Tell her you’ll talk about consequences at a later time when you can both talk calmly.

This will give your child time to think about her actions and the potential consequences. Not only are you using the time to calm yourself down, but you’re also teaching her to do the same.

4. Enforce consequences

Effective consequences can largely be grouped into two categories: removals and impositions.

A removal is taking something away from the child, such as your attention, an exciting environment, or a pleasant activity. The most well-known and widely-used removal is a time out. Other effective removals include grounding your child from social activities, taking away electronics for a certain period of time, or immediately leaving the park, a friend’s house, or a family party when a defiant behavior occurs.

Impositions are consequences that impose a new situation on the child. Paying his own money into a family fine jar, doing extra chores, having to run errands with mom because he abused the privilege to stay home alone by inviting friends over without permission—these are impositions.

Without question, consequences require time and energy to enforce. But if you don’t follow through with consequences for bad behavior, you send the message “If you wear me down, eventually, you’ll get your way.”

5. Keep your power

When you engage in an argument with your child, you’re enforcing the child’s perception that they have the power to challenge you, which can lead to even more defiant behavior.

The next time your child tries to draw you into a power struggle over something, just say, “We’ve discussed this and I’ve told you what’s going to happen. We’re not going to talk about it anymore,” and leave the room.

When you leave, you take all the power with you. Know that the more you engage your child in an argument, the more control you give away.

6. No second chances or bargaining

Consistency is key if you don’t want to reinforce bad habits. Once your child is old enough to understand that behaviors have consequences, don’t give him repeat chances. This just teaches him that you don’t take your own rules seriously.

Don’t bargain or offer treats or privileges in return for better behavior. You’re only enabling your child to test how far they can push you.

If your son calls his friend a rude name when you arrive for a play date, firmly say “We don’t talk like that. We’re going home now so you can spend some time thinking about what you said.” Insist that he apologize, and then leave immediately. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Don’t bargain or offer treats or privileges in return for better behavior. You’re only enabling your child to test how far they can push you before you strike another bargain.

7. Always build on the positive

Make sure you build on the positive attitudes and actions of your children. Praise your children for their positive behaviors, like rewarding them when they show a cooperative attitude. Positive reinforcement can go a long way in raising a responsible child.

By making a simple switch to rewarding good behavior instead of reacting to bad, parents will see a significant reduction in challenging behavior.

For more about building on the positive and rewarding good behavior, listen to my interview with Dr. Heather Maguire, a behavior analyst and school psychologist. (It’s episode 569, opens in a new windowWhat to Do When Your Child Won’t Behave.) She advocated for rewarding good behavior by catching your child doing good. By making a simple switch to rewarding good behavior instead of reacting to bad, she said, parents will see a significant reduction in challenging behavior.

8. Set regular times to talk to your child

In a moment of downtime, when things are going well and you don’t anticipate an immediate power struggle, sit down with your child. Let her know that your intentions are to keep her safe and help her grow into a responsible, productive, self-reliant adult who will be as happy and fulfilled in life as possible. Remind her that your family has rules and values that are in place for her future, not to cause her grief while growing up.

How to deal with a naughty child

Contents

What to do with naughty children? Punish? Discuss their behavior with them? Lose sweets? Here are simple rules on how to behave with a naughty child.

How to communicate with a naughty child: raising an independent personality

Articles about what to do if a child does not obey are published in many books, newspapers, and on thematic Internet portals. Also, many mothers share their experience with each other, because it is very interesting to watch how a child grows, develops and forms as a person. Moms who know each other personally discuss their children first of all, gathering together for a cup of tea. And strangers communicate on the Internet on forums and social networks.

A baby's disobedience raises a lot of questions in the head of young mothers. And the most important of them is what to do with it and whether something should be done at all.

Some handouts describe the basic rules for mothers how to behave with a child of a certain age. For example, at the age of 1.5 years, the child already begins to show independence. He can be stubborn, not listening to what you tell him, and sometimes even become aggressive. In such memos for young mothers, it is advised to give your child more independence. Let him explore everything around him, learn from his own mistakes, and most importantly, constantly remind him of how much you love him. For older children, other recommendations are given.

Many parents have arguments about raising their children. Men can blame women for being too soft, and women for men for being too harsh. The main thing in these cases is to find a compromise and in no case quarrel, do not sort out your relationship in a couple and do not raise your voice at each other with a child.

We also read: how to overcome disagreements in raising a child

The story of one naughty child: possible strategies for behavior when the baby does not listen to you

Maxim is a very naughty child. At 1.5 years old, he shows independence with might and main: he does what he wants, goes where he wants and tries to force everyone to indulge his whims. And he would be even more naughty, but he just doesn’t always succeed 🙂

Maxim’s parents give him enough freedom, but if they see that the child stops obeying, they become quite firm in their upbringing methods. They don’t spoil him too much, they are firm and persistent, consistent (if this is impossible, then it’s impossible, period), while giving him more independence and giving him the opportunity to learn from his mistakes. Maxim has not yet experienced a “crisis of three years”, when children become simply uncontrollable. But his parents have already made it easier for themselves - when this period comes, it will be easier for them to manage Maxim, because their method of education allows the boy to show independence, but at the same time, Maxim's parents do not allow him to go beyond the permissible limits of behavior. Let's look at a few specific stories.

Maxim likes to draw with markers, and once painted the walls, wallpaper and sofa. Therefore, markers are no longer given to Maxim. He asks for them, but they still do not give him - he has not yet learned how to handle them. Instead, he was presented with special finger paints, with which he now draws in albums with his parents. And he will receive markers when he learns to draw on paper or in sketchbooks and understands that you can’t spoil the furniture.
Maxim loves cars very much. And not only toys - real ones are much more interesting to him. In order to take a closer look at them, Maxim wants to run out onto the road, which is very dangerous. But Maxim's parents strictly forbid him to do this, hold him by the hand and do not let him close to the road, even if he screams, cries and breaks out.
Any prohibitions and permissions must be logical and consistent. For example, Maxim likes to run through puddles. He can do it, because Maxim has rubber boots. But you can’t climb into a puddle with your hands - it’s dirty there.
Maxim is very independent. He knows how to assemble blocks, eat with a spoon and brush his teeth. And he himself falls asleep in the crib - Maxim does not need to be rocked. Maxim also helps around the house: he wipes the dust, sits on the potty himself and asks (we read the article on the topic: how to potty train a baby) to clean its contents and even tries to wash the floors. And all because Maxim is not hindered from conducting his research experiments and experiments (how to teach and accustom a child to help around the house). Of course, within reason. And Maxim's parents also believe that he should be able to serve himself, so it is not customary in their family to do absolutely everything for the child. Of course, he will have to clean up, wash, wash after him more, but gradually he will learn these skills, and the strength of Maxim's parents will pay off with interest.
Maxim is given the opportunity to learn from his mistakes. He can climb the sofa as much as he wants, try to stand on a chair to get something from the shelf, but if he falls or gets stuck somewhere, only he himself will be to blame. No one shouts to him all the time: “Don’t touch!”, “Step back”, “Wet your pants!”. Maxim makes decisions himself. It is important that Maxim understands: you need to stand on a chair carefully, and you don’t need to climb where you can barely get through. He will understand what not to do and will act wiser. So Maxim learns from his mistakes, and at the same time he learns the world. Of course, he will be allowed to do only what poses the least danger. For example, no one will let him go to an open well - here Maxim's parents have to show firmness and pacify the child's curiosity, which can be dangerous.

READ ALSO: How to raise children: with a stick or a carrot? – https://razvitie-krohi.ru/psihologiya-detey/stil-vospitaniya-rebenka-knut-ili-pryanik.html

How to raise naughty children: advice from psychologists

The first thing to do is reconsider your attitude to the child. If the child does not obey, maybe he is dependent on you, but not completely, so he is trying to show independence to the maximum? Remember that your child is a person with his own character, attitudes and habits. And you must respect this personality, and not suppress the independence of your child. You must be aware that the baby learns the world - respect his desire for new discoveries.

You may be surprised, but you are not always 100% sure what your child needs. Do not pass off your own desires as his - it is better to enter into a dialogue with him and hear the real desires of the baby. Due to the lack of such flexibility in communicating with the child and the excessive confidence of adults in their rightness, conflicts often arise between generations.

Another effective way to interact is by example. Remember - the child copies your behavior. He does not lose sight of your words, actions, general style of behavior, copying them consciously or unconsciously. So take care of yourself - maybe in your child you just recognize yourself, and sometimes not from the best side.

If you want to get a strong personality, a real helper and a hardworking, honest and decent person in the future, you will have to show patience and restrain yourself a thousand times, not breaking down with screams at the crumbs because of his disobedience. You will have to explain to him many times, tell and show the same thing in terms of acceptable behavior, if he does not understand or forgets, trust important matters at your own peril and risk. And you also need to learn to respect your child and communicate with him as a senior friend. Your patience and work will then surely bear fruit: the child will have a sincere desire to help you, and the constant fear that he will be scolded if he does something wrong will disappear.

READ ALSO: What to do if your child doesn't listen to you?

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communication secrets - Child development

Parents find it difficult to find a common language with naughty and stubborn children. Even the simplest daily activities, like bathing or eating, become a challenge. In most cases, parents themselves unconsciously provoke such behavior, succumbing to the tantrums of children. The best way to deal with a naughty child is to show him that his tricks don't work. However, it is necessary to note the moments when the child behaves well.

Character traits of stubborn children

Not every child who shows self-will and stubbornness in behavior can be called naughty. Before taking educational measures, it is important to understand the reason for disobedience. Perhaps this behavior is the result of an age crisis or the child is trying to defend his position, gain more freedom in decision-making and slightly weaken parental control.

Children with great will power can be extremely intelligent and creative. They ask a lot of questions, which is often perceived by parents as a rebellion. They always have their own opinion on various issues and defend their positions. It is quite possible that in this case one should not “break” the child and demand unconditional submission.

A naughty and stubborn child can be recognized by the following signs:

He has a strong need to be heard and recognized. Therefore, he tries in every possible way to attract attention to himself.
He fiercely defends his independence.
He is devoted to what he loves.
Naughty children have tantrums more often than usual.
The child loves to command and takes a leadership position in the team.

It is not easy for parents to cope with children with great willpower, but not everything is so hopeless. Studies have shown that children who tend to break the rules and challenge accepted norms often achieve greater academic and professional success. They are not inclined to succumb to the bad example of their peers.

The psychology of disobedience: how to understand a child with developed willpower

If you are a determined person by nature, most likely you want to see this character trait in your child. The problem is that it's hard to tell decisiveness from disobedience. So what's the difference?

Dictionaries define determination as "persistence in achieving a goal." Disobedience can be defined as "the determination to act in a certain way." In other words, the child refuses to change his point of view, behavior or actions despite being forced to do so.

Disobedience in a child may be hereditary or acquired. Perhaps it is you who provoke him to disobedience. In any case, you can change the behavior of the child for the better.

Dealing with a naughty baby

Your baby may refuse to go to bed or throw a spoon on the floor when you try to feed him. Or he stubbornly puts on the same clothes every day, not wanting to make concessions. We offer 10 effective tips from psychologists that will help to cope with such behavior.

Tip #1: Listen and don't argue

Communication is a two-way process. If you want your stubborn child to listen to you, listen to him first. Children with strong wills tend to have strong beliefs and a tendency to argue. They become uncontrollable when they feel they are not being heard. The child insists on his own - so listen carefully to him and talk openly with him about what worries him. This should help. To talk openly with your child, approach him from the side, not face to face. Speak quietly and calmly.

Tip #2: Stay in touch with your child, don't force him to obey

When you force a child to do something, he is likely to rebel and do his best to disobey you. This behavior is common in naughty children. Resistance arises instinctively and is not limited to children. To avoid this, keep in touch with your child.

For example, if a child insists on watching TV instead of going to bed, it is useless to force him. When you show that you care, the child is more likely to insist on his own. Children who stay in touch with their parents want to cooperate. Bonding closely with a naughty child will help you deal with his behavior. You can take the first step towards this today - just hug your baby!

Tip #3: Always give your child a choice

Children have opinions on many things and don't like being told what to do. If you tell your 4-year-old that he needs to go to bed at 9, he will most likely refuse to do so. Give your child choices instead of directions. Instead of forcing him to go to bed, offer to choose which story to read together before bed.

The child may continue to insist on his own and say: "I'm not going to bed!". In this case, remain calm and say: "No, you did not choose." Repeat this as many times as needed and as calmly as possible. When it looks like a broken record, the child is likely to give in.

Too many choices is also not good. For example, if you offer a child to get clothes from the closet in which he wants to go for a walk, he will be confused. Instead, it is better to offer to choose one of 2-3 options.

Advice #4: Always stay calm

Yelling at a naughty child will turn normal communication into a competition to see who can outshout whom. The child may take your raising your voice as a call to verbal combat, and this will only make the situation worse. Take the initiative in the conversation in your own hands and let the child understand that he needs to behave within the bounds of decency.

Stay calm in every possible way: meditate, do breathing exercises or listen to soothing music. Turn it on at home so your baby can hear too.

Advice #5: Respect your child

If you want your child to respect you and your opinion, you should respect him too. If you force a child to act in a certain way, you will lose your authority in his eyes. There are several ways to show respect to a child:

Discuss solutions together rather than insisting that he follow directions.
Set reasonable rules for all children and don't interpret them the way you want each time.
Empathize with the child, never be dismissive of his feelings and ideas.
To allow the child to do what is in his power, to avoid the temptation to do something for him. This is how you show your trust.
Explain to your child the meaning of your words and keep your promises.

Show your child an example of good behavior, because he is constantly watching you. This is the golden rule that parents must strictly follow.

Tip #6: Befriend your child

Rebellious or strong-willed children are extremely sensitive to how you treat them. So always be aware of your tone of voice, gestures, and what you say. When a child is uncomfortable with you, he will do everything to protect himself: rebel, argue or show aggression.

If you change your attitude towards your child, he will react differently to your words. Instead of pointing out what to do, be with the baby as equals.

Use phrases like "Let's try. ..", "How about...?" instead of "I want you to..."

Use fun activities to motivate your child to do something. For example, if you want him to clean up his toys, start doing it yourself, and appoint the child as your “chief assistant”. You can also arrange a timed competition to see who can clean up the toys the fastest. Remember that the main goal of all these activities is to become your child's best friend.

Advice #7: Look for compromises

Sometimes it's better to negotiate and find a compromise. Often children act cocky when they can't get what they want. Ask your child a few questions: “What is bothering you?”, “What happened?”, “Do you want something?”, so that he talks about it. He will see that you respect his needs and consider them.

If you agree with a child, this does not mean that you will fulfill all his whims. Just be attentive to him and be more reasonable. For example, if the baby does not want to go to bed at a set time, agree on an option that will suit both of you.

Tip #8: Create a positive home environment

Children learn by watching or doing things with their hands. When a child sees that his parents are constantly arguing among themselves, he learns to do the same. Disagreements between parents create a stressful environment in the home, which greatly affects the mood and behavior of the child. According to psychologists, this can cause social withdrawal and even aggression.

Tip no. 9: Look at the world through the eyes of a child

To better understand the behavior of your naughty baby - try to look at the situation from his point of view. Imagine yourself in the place of the child and think about why he behaves this way. The better you know your son or daughter, the easier it will be for you to deal with bad behavior and stubbornness.

For example, if a child refuses to do his homework, it may be because the task seems overwhelming to him. When he finds it difficult to concentrate or there is too much work, you can break the task into small parts that are easy to complete in a short time. Take small breaks between tasks. So lessons will cause less stress in the child.

Tip #10: Encourage your child's positive behavior

Sometimes you won't know how to deal with aggressive behavior. But by acting thoughtlessly, you can further provoke negative behavior. For example, if a child constantly answers “No!” to everything you say to him, think about whether you yourself pronounce this word too often.

To change the negative manifestations of character, psychologists advise to play the game "Yes or no" with the child. According to the rules of the game, the child must answer only “yes” or “no” to all questions. Ask questions like "Do you like ice cream?" "Do you like to play?" "Would you like to see a living dinosaur?" The more often the baby responds positively, the more he feels that he is heard and understood.

Most common problems with naughty children

Parents face many challenges as their baby grows. Some problems become a real "stumbling block" and require a lot of effort and time to solve. Here is a list of several of the most burning and pressing issues that can be easily addressed with the right strategy.

How to teach a naughty child to use the potty or toilet .

To teach a three-year-old child to use the toilet, parents should:

talk about it with the child;
explain what needs to be done;
don't take it too seriously, especially if the baby refuses to use the toilet.

Remember that toilet training for a naughty child will take longer than usual. Be patient, praise the baby for success.

The child and proper nutrition

Sometimes children are very capricious when it comes to food. You can not always let the baby eat only what he likes. The best way to teach healthy eating is to make eating fun.