How to fix a whiny child

Boys Town: Saving Children, Healing Families, Parenting Tips

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Point out to children that they are whining
Never give children what they want when they are whining
The best way to respond when children are whining is to say you don’t understand them
Silence is golden
Don’t model whining
Reward appropriate language
Distract or redirect
Use Time-Out

STOP the Whining!

Imagine a finely manicured hand with clear polish on the nails. Now, imagine those nails scraping slowly down a chalkboard. Hear it? That’s the same sound most parents hear when their young child starts to whine.

Whining often accompanies or precedes tantrum behavior, but not always. Children whine for all kinds of reasons, usually because they are upset about something, or because, in the past, whining has helped them get something they wanted. They also are more likely to whine if they are sick or fatigued. Regardless, whining is annoying and unnecessary, which is something young children have yet to learn.

The good news is that you can MANAGE whining fairly easily and effectively with your child by following these tips:

Point out to children that they are whining. Sometimes children aren’t even aware of this behavior.
Never give children what they want when they are whining. This will only lead to more whining when your child wants something in the future.
The best way to respond when children are whining is to say you don’t understand them. For example, say “I can’t understand a word you are saying. You’ll need to talk to me in a big girl (or big boy) voice.”
Silence is golden. Ignoring whining until you hear your child use a tone of voice that is acceptable will send a message that whining has little payoff.
Don’t model whining. Adults are just about as capable of whining as children. Do yourself and your child a favor by using appropriate behavior and language when you are frustrated.
Reward appropriate language. When children use an appropriate tone of voice, especially when asking for something or expressing a complaint, acknowledge and praise them. For example, say “Thank you for talking so clearly. It helps me understand what you want.” This is especially true if your child used an appropriate voice first, without whining. Either way, it’s important that your child understands that talking in an age-appropriate voice is beneficial to them, and will earn praise from you.
Distract or redirect. Sometimes, a simple distraction or redirection will be enough to get your child off the whining platform.
Use Time-Out. A good old-fashioned Time-Out is sometimes necessary when whining persists and all of your other efforts to stop it have not worked.

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Why Do Kids Whine? 3 Steps to Make it Stop

You said “no” to brownies for breakfast, a new puppy and your 15-year-old’s request to spend the weekend at a beach house with friends.

And each time, just like clockwork, the whining begins.

From toddlers to teens, all children know how to argue with your decision in their best nails-on-a-chalkboard voice.

You’ve tried everything from time-outs to earplugs, but the whining won’t end. Don’t worry–you’re not alone. Parents worldwide fall victim to their child’s whining daily, but this doesn’t mean you can’t stop it.

By learning why your kids whine, you can discover how to put an end to it for good.

Why Do Kids Whine?

Because it works! (For your kids, that is.)

When your kids whine and negotiate, they secure a big chunk of your attention.

Positive Parenting is based on Adlerian Psychology which asserts all humans are hard-wired with two basic emotional needs – belonging and significance. One of the crucial ways parents can meet a child’s need for belonging is to give kids sufficient amounts of attention.

Kids don’t whine to intentionally irritate us—they whine because they haven’t learned a positive, productive way to get our attention or have their needs met.

Let’s face it, parents are the busiest creatures on the planet and there are about a billion things competing for our time and attention. But when kids aren’t getting as much positive attention as they need from us, they’ll experiment with different ways to get our attention–whining, helplessness, tantrums…you get the idea.

And of course, when kids whine, we typically respond with a correction or a reprimand — not exactly the positive attention they were looking for – but it worked to get our attention.

The truth is, children only continue behaviors that work for them.

When kids whine and parents give in, kids realize that whining gets them what they want–the attention they crave and maybe even that candy bar in the grocery checkout line.

But giving in to demands–like one more television show or another scoop of ice cream–isn’t the only way we reward our kids’ whining. Just responding, even if it’s to reprimand them, gives a child payoff. Picking up the child or responding with an annoyed remark (“Enough! Stop whining!”) still gives the child attention–even though it wasn’t the positive attention she really wanted–and now she’ll be more likely to whine again and again to get the same result.

How Can You Make the Whining Stop?

Now that you know why kids whine, you can make it stop–before your ears fall off. Here are 3 steps you can start using today to curb the whining in your home:

1. Make it NOT work

Remember the main reason why your kids whine? It works! By not giving in to whatever they’re whining for–you’ll cut back dramatically on this annoying misbehavior.

Whether you’re in the grocery store or at the dinner table, say “no,” and stick to it. If a tantrum happens, calmly let it happen in a safe place (like the car)–and your child will soon learn that whining, and even a tantrum, won’t get him what he wants. You should still help your child deal with his big feelings of disappointment, but you’re not caving in to the demand.

2. Pay No (Negative) Attention

By refusing to give attention to the whining, you’ll remove a big part of the payoff. Here’s a simple 3-step training process to make it work:

Step 1: Set the expectation

In a calm moment, tell your kids:

“You’re growing up so much! You’re big enough now to ask for what you’d like in a normal voice without whining AND be okay if you don’t get it. If you ask me something in a whiny voice, I will put my hands over my ears which will be a gentle reminder to use your regular voice. Then, you can try again with your normal voice and I’ll be happy to talk about anything that’s on your mind.”

NOTE: You may have to do some role-playing about the difference between a normal voice and a whiny voice.

Step 2: Reveal how you will respond

“If you continue to use your whiny voice, I will not respond. Instead, I’ll just go about my business until you want to talk in your normal voice and then I’ll be happy to listen.”

Step 3: Confirm understanding

“Just so we’re on the same page and we don’t have any surprises, let’s practice how we’ll talk to each other and what I will do if you decide to use your whiny voice?”

Okay, you’ve laid the groundwork. But, once you’ve made this bed, my friend, you MUST lie in it (don’t worry, it’ll be really relaxing before you know it).

Follow through EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. your children start to whine. Stay calm and walk away – even a negative non-verbal reaction to whining can be a payoff. When your child uses her normal voice, be sure to respond RIGHT AWAY, calmly and pleasantly.

We all know behaviors don’t develop overnight, so curbing the whining in your home can take days and even weeks to remediate. However, with a little patience, practice, and consistency, you’ll help your child kick this habit in no time.

3. Provide Proactive POSITIVE Attention.

For these steps to work, you must also provide plenty of positive attention to meet your child’s need for emotional connection.

Each parent should shoot for 10 minutes of quality time every day with each child. You can play their favorite card game, shoot hoops in the driveway or whatever they love to do! During the special one-on-one time, ignore the email notification. Don’t respond to the text. Hold off on the dinner prep.

When you fill your child’s attention basket positively and proactively, your kids will become more cooperative and less likely to resort to whining as a way to gain your attention.

Life is busy for everyone, and finding extra time in the day may be daunting at first, but think of this as an investment in your relationship with your children and in helping them learn more positive and effective ways to communicate their needs.

Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, refer to STEP 1 to learn the secrets to easily implement MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® togetherness into your already-too-busy day! Also see the advanced module, The Busy Parent’s Guide to Mind, Body and Soul Time®.

Final Thoughts

With these strategies in place, you’ll keep the whining to a minimum. But the truth is, other frustrating behaviors might pop up in its place.

I wish I could help you tackle every frustrating behavior in this one article but sadly, there is no silver bullet to parenting! Correcting misbehavior and raising respectful, independent, capable kids requires an intentional process and set of tools.

If you’re struggling with other behavior challenges like sibling fighting, backtalk, homework issues, technology battles, mealtime or morning chaos, I’d love to walk you through our step-by-step road map for parenting toddlers to teens.

Thousands of families have experienced life-changing results and I’d be honored to help your family enjoy this peaceful transformation, too!

If you’re not quite ready to jump in, at least join me for a FREE ONLINE CLASS.

I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen without nagging, reminding, or yelling and you’ll start feeling relief within days!

As always, happy parenting! You’ve got this!

What You Should Do Next:

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About the Author

Nationally recognized parenting expert Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions® and the best-selling author of The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic - A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World and If I Have to Tell You One More Time…The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. As a “recovering yeller” and a Certified Positive Discipline Instructor, Amy is a champion of positive parenting techniques for happier families and well-behaved kids. Amy is a TODAY Show contributor and has been featured on The Doctors, CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Rachael Ray, Steve Harvey & others. In her most important role, she is the proud mom of two amazing young men.

The son is whiny like a girl…

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The son is whiny like a girl ...

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“My son cries for any reason. Crying like a girl ... ”- such complaints can often be heard from parents. Faced with the heightened emotionality of the child, adults “turn on severity”, believing that this will help instill in their son the necessary masculinity. But it is not always possible to get the desired result. Often severity exacerbates the situation: the boy develops complexes and fears.

Why do we react differently to the tears of boys and girls?

In our society, the attitude towards “male” and “female” tears is different. From early childhood, boys are instilled with the idea that men do not cry. A female breakdown with tears is perceived with understanding. This attitude is argued by the fact that a man must be strong in everything, including in the manifestation of emotions, and a woman is a weaker creature, and increased emotionality is characteristic of her.

Interestingly, the stereotype about the emotionality of women and the unspoken “ban” on tears for men is especially pronounced in northern countries. Apparently, it was formed against the background of a harsh climate, when the issue of survival was acute, and the duties of a breadwinner and protector were assigned to a man. In southern countries (India, Italy, etc.), excessive emotionality is not reproached by men, and the manifestation of grief or pain through tears is not perceived as unworthy of a man's behavior.

How to respond to your son's "tearfulness"?

Sometimes parents are afraid to feel sorry for a crying child, so that he does not grow up capricious and does not use tears for manipulation. You can not dismiss a crying child, considering his problems insignificant and unimportant. We must learn to distinguish between true and feigned manifestations of feelings. It is necessary to help the son to realize the surging emotions, to help him survive them, to accept the experience in order to learn how to control emotions.

What to do if your child has increased irritability.

June 25, 2020

Increased excitability and irritability of the child can be the result of many reasons, including physiological, associated with the immaturity of the nervous system, its reaction to various negative effects during pregnancy (mother's illness, smoking, alcohol consumption, physical and emotional overload), as well as premature birth, by caesarean section, or in difficult natural childbirth. Irritability can be a response to the environment or excessive demands on the child, without taking into account the age and individual characteristics of the psyche.

Up to 3 years any reason - malnutrition, loud noises, bright lights, uncomfortable clothing, change of scenery, manifestation of negative emotions of adults - can cause irritation, tearfulness, sleep problems, and rapid fatigue of the child. What can parents do?

- Try to eliminate the discomfort and calm the child as soon as possible. Ensure compliance with the daily routine, proper nutrition, physical and psychological stress, adequate to his age and condition. Don't try to build endurance and endurance in a young child, this will only make him more uncomfortable and make it harder to return to an emotionally stable state.

- Prepare the child in advance for any changes, tell and explain what will happen, soften the content of unpleasant information. For example, tell us why you need to go to the doctor and why it is good, when and for what reason guests will come to you, how much time the child will spend without you (with a grandmother or a nanny), what he will do in a children's institution. If it's time to end the game and go to bed, tell them that the toys are tired, look sleepy and suggest putting them to bed first, and then going to bed yourself.

- Keep calm yourself, do not get infected by the child's emotions. While the parent is calm, he is able to influence the situation and help the child cope with emotions. Do not show your fear or disappointment, do not frighten the child with suggestions of what might happen, and do not tire him with moralizing.

Preschool age. The older the child becomes, the more important the factors of education become in the development and consolidation of irritability, so parents should pay attention to the parenting strategies used and their own behavior, which the child can copy.

- Be an example of constructive conflict resolution and respect for all family members. Do not be afraid to apologize if you were wrong or said hurtful words in the heat of the moment. Learn to switch your emotional state, recognize and prevent outbursts of irritation. Watch your psychological health, do not bring yourself to a state of exhaustion and "driven".

- If your child is anxious and reacts violently to failures, give him more independence in situations that do not threaten his health, do not surround him with excessive care. The experience of overcoming difficulties is important for the child, this gives him confidence in his abilities.

- At the same time, demand a respectful attitude towards elders, observance of the daily routine, rules of politeness and norms of behavior in public places. Otherwise, permissiveness and complete freedom can lead to frequent irritation and expression of dissatisfaction, even with necessary and reasonable demands.

- Talk to the child, explain your position to the child. Be patient and willing to spend as much time as it takes for the child to understand you and come to the appropriate conclusions. Rudeness, neglect, threats, blackmail injure the child's psyche and are unacceptable in education.

- Suggest and analyze together possible options for behavior in situations that cause irritation in a child, ways to respond to troubles. Encourage his reasoning and engage in dialogue, helping the child learn to overcome difficulties. Praise and support if things don't work out. For example: “You are good for trying to cope on your own. Learning is always difficult, but you will soon learn it. ”

In younger schoolchildren , feelings and irritability will also be associated with high responsibility, academic workload, relationships with classmates and teachers, and the atmosphere in the classroom. Your task in a calm home environment is to help the child respond to insults, support him and help switch attention.

- Talk to your child about situations that trigger an emotional response. Children's awareness of their own thoughts, emotions and actions occurs with the help of adults. Therefore, by analyzing the situation, we help the child to be aware of it. The habit of keeping feelings inside can lead to nervous tension, increased anxiety, night terrors, and even the development of somatic diseases.

- Do not demand perfect completion of tasks in all subjects, this will cause irritation and reluctance to do anything before starting work. It is normal that children are more capable of some sciences, some subjects are easier for them than others. Do not push or scold the child, do not compare with other children or with yourself in childhood.

- Organize your child the opportunity to relax, change the type of activity and communicate with peers outside the school team - in various circles, sports clubs, a music school, with friends in the yard.

Increased irritability, aggressiveness, nervousness - characteristic features of adolescence . Their appearance is primarily associated with hormonal changes occurring in the body. The nervous system cannot quickly adapt, teenagers often do not realize and cannot control their emotions, they feel loneliness due to their emotional instability.

- Talk kindly, be interested in the experiences of a teenager. Show more attention and love to him, just for what he is. Then the teenager will feel more confident, his self-esteem will increase.

- Help a teenager to understand the reasons for his irritability by speaking in detail about various situations in order to teach a teenager to better understand and control his psychological state.