How to discipline my odd child
How to Discipline a Child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder: ODD Help
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Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in Children
Every parent of a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD) knows what it’s like to troubleshoot behavior problems — your child saying no to requests or blurting out disrespectful retorts.
Children with ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) take defiant behavior to the extreme. They have a pattern of angry, violent, and disruptive behaviors toward parents, caretakers, and other authority figures. These children require smart, specific oppositional defiant disorder strategies — and more than their fair share of patience.
“Choose your battles carefully, and find humor in every situation.” -Robin, Colorado
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ODD and ADHD: Stats and Facts
Forty percent of children with ADHD also develop ODD. Before puberty, ODD is more common in boys; after puberty, it is equally common in both genders. About half of all preschoolers diagnosed with ODD outgrow the problem by age eight. Older kids with ODD are less likely to outgrow it. Oppositional defiant disorder may persist into adulthood.
"It is imperative to believe in yourself and to see your child as an asset to the world.” -Ruth Ann, Ohio
Parent Discipline to Deal with a child with ADHD and ODD3 of 12
ODD and ADHD: The Links
A child’s oppositional behaviors aren’t intentional. Experts think that ODD is linked to intense impulsivity. Not being able to control impulses, combined with the stress and frustration of trying to get on top of ADHD symptoms every day, lead some children to lash out, physically and verbally.
[Symptom Test: Oppositional Defiant Disorder in Children]
A child with ODD and ADHD will need specialized attention and a smart strategy to parent.
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How to Diagnose a Child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Every child will act out and test his boundaries. It may be hard to know whether a child is normally defiant or has ODD. Consult a therapist trained in childhood behavioral problems. He should also screen for anxiety and mood disorders — each of which may cause oppositional behavior. Left untreated, ODD can evolve into conduct disorder, a more serious behavioral problem.
“Disengage when he is out of control, wait for the 'crazy' to stop, and re-approach.” -Cheryl, New Jersey
A sad child lies on the gravel of a school playground.5 of 12
How to Treat a Child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Treatment strategies for co-existing ODD and ADHD start with controlling ADHD symptoms. When a child’s hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and inattention are reduced, there is usually an improvement in ODD symptoms.
Stimulant medications have been shown to decrease ADHD symptoms, as well as those of ODD, by up to 50 percent.
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How to Discipline a Child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder
If a child with ODD doesn’t respond well to stimulants, some doctors prescribe the non-stimulant atomoxetine (brand name: Strattera). In one study, researchers found that the medication significantly reduced ODD and ADHD symptoms. However, higher doses of the medication were needed to control symptoms.
[Free Download: Why Is My Child So Defiant?]
Adult man screams at a child. Father is angry at his son. Silhouettes of parent and child. Education, punishment, suppression, abuse, growing up.7 of 12
Change a Child’s Behavior — by Changing Yours
The treatment of choice for ODD is parent management training. Parents are taught to change their reactions to a child’s behavior — good and bad. Training involves using carrots and sticks — giving well-defined rewards and praise when your child cooperates, and consequences for misbehavior.
Therapists will also work with a parent and child together to solve specific challenges.
“I am strong-willed as well, so it has been a battle of the wills. But instead of trying to change my daughter, I changed myself. It wasn’t easy, but when she became defiant, I said to myself, “I will not buy a ticket to this show.” I ignored her, no matter how she tried to pull me in. She stopped almost immediately.” -Ramona, Florida
Get Everyone on the Same Page: Parent Discipline When Dealing with a Child with ODD and ADHD8 of 12
ODD Discipline in Three Steps
ODD experts find the following strategy effective for parents: Ask your child with ODD calmly to do something. If he doesn’t respond to you in two minutes, gently tell him, “I’m asking you a second time. Do you know what I’m asking you to do — and the consequences if you don’t? Please make a smart decision.”
If you have to ask a third time, he suffers the pre-arranged consequence — no TV or video games for an hour.
Whatever it is, the consequence should fit the misbehavior for it to matter to your child.
“Including my teenage son in the conversation and allowing him to help formulate a plan gives him ownership of his behavior.” -Stephanie, New York
mother and boy with ADHD talking about his behavior, using the one-minute “think through” tool9 of 12
Get Everyone on the Same Page
For behavior therapy to work, all of the caring adults in the child's life should use the same discipline strategies that you do. Grandparents, teachers, nannies, and other adults who spend time alone with your child with oppositional defiant disorder must understand which carrots and sticks you use and, above all, use them consistently. If one of them gives into your child’s bad behavior, it can undermine your discipline program.
“Both parents need to support each other and be on the same page.” -An ADDitude Reader
Mindfulness also helps when dealing with angry outbursts.
Children with ADHD or ODD can be rude, defiant, and sometimes downright obnoxious. How do parents keep their cool? Mindfulness teaches you that the only person you can control in any confrontation is yourself. If you regroup and focus on your breathing before you react, you’ll find yourself […]10 of 12
Do Not Take ODD Personally
It is difficult for a parent to remain calm when a child with ODD is verbally abusing her, but don’t overreact. Yelling or spanking may worsen a child’s oppositional behaviors. Stay calm and emotionally neutral amid your child’s defiance.
Oppositional kids have radar for adult hostility. If they pick up your anger, they’re going to match it. Figure out your coping strategy ahead of time so that you can remain calm when triggered by your child's behaviors.
Parents with Children Playing Game at Home. Flat Cartoon Mother, Father and Two Daughter Different Ages Spending Time Together in Living Room. Happy Parenthood and Childhood.
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Practice Positive Parenting
Helping parents learn to praise good behavior is one of the toughest challenges therapists face. Many parents are so focused on bad behavior that they stop reinforcing positive ones. A few tips for dealing with ODD in children:
- Specify the praiseworthy behavior
- Be enthusiastic while not overdoing it
- Finish up with a non-verbal gesture — a kiss on the cheek or a hug
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Be Creative and Be Consistent
The more creatively you tailor your program of rewards and punishments to your child’s specific abilities and needs, the better. Her needs change as she grows. Creativity is important, but consistency is vital to success. Consistency in the way you treat your child — setting rules, conveying expectations — is the key to parenting a child with ODD.
[Read This Now: Facts About Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD]
How to Parent a Defiant Child
Every parent of a defiant child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD) knows what it’s like to deal with severe ADHD behavior problems — sometimes even the most well-behaved child lashes out, or refuses to comply with even the most benign request. But almost half of all parents who have kids with ADHD live with severe behavior problems and discipline challenges on an almost daily basis. For them, parenting a defiant child is a daily strain.
Severe ADHD Behavior and Oppositional Defiant Disorder Symptoms
40 percent of children with ADHD also develop oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), a condition marked by chronic aggression, frequent outbursts, and a tendency to argue, ignore requests, and engage in intentionally annoying behavior.1
How bad can it get? Consider these real-life children diagnosed with both ADHD and ODD:
- A 4-year-old who gleefully annoys her parents by blasting the TV at top volume as soon as she wakes up.
- A 7-year-old who shouts “No” to every request and who showers his parents with verbal abuse.
- An 11-year-old who punches a hole in the wall and then physically assaults his mother.
“These children are most comfortable when they’re in the middle of a conflict,” says Douglas Riley, Ph.D., author of The Defiant Child: A Parent’s Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder (#CommissionsEarned) and a child psychologist in Newport News, Virginia. “As soon as you begin arguing with them, you’re on their turf. They keep throwing out the bait, and their parents keep taking it — until finally the parents end up with the kid in family therapy, wondering where they’ve gone wrong.”
[Take This Self-Test: Could Your Child Have ODD?]
The strain of dealing with an oppositional child affects the entire family. The toll on the marital relationship can be especially severe. In part, this is because friends and relatives tend to blame the behavior on ‘bad parenting.
’ Inconsistent discipline may play a role in the development of ODD, but is rarely the sole cause. The unfortunate reality is that discipline strategies that work with neurotypical children simply don’t work with kids with ODD.
Fortunately, psychologists have developed effective behavior therapy for reining in even the most defiant child. It’s not always easy, but it can be done — typically with the help of specialized psychotherapy.
What Is the Link Between ADHD and ODD?
No one knows why so many kids with ADHD exhibit oppositional behavior. In many cases, however, oppositional behavior seems to be a manifestation of ADHD-related impulsivity.
[Download This Free Guide To Coping Mechanisms]
“Many kids with ADHD who are diagnosed with ODD are really showing oppositional characteristics by default,” says Houston-based child psychologist Carol Brady, Ph.D. “They misbehave not because they’re intentionally oppositional, but because they can’t control their impulses.
”
Another view is that oppositional behavior is simply a way for kids to cope with the frustration and emotional pain associated with having ADHD.
“When under stress — whether it’s because they have ADHD or their parents are getting divorced — a certain percentage of kids externalize their anxiety,” says Larry Silver, M.D., a psychiatrist at Georgetown University Medical School in Washington, D.C. “Everything becomes everyone else’s fault, and the child doesn’t take responsibility for anything that goes wrong.”
Riley agrees. “Children with ADHD know from a young age that they’re different from other kids,” he says. “They see themselves as getting in more trouble, and in some cases may have more difficulty mastering academic work — often despite an above-average intellect. So instead of feeling stupid, their defense is to feel cool. They hone their oppositional attitude.”
About half of all preschoolers diagnosed with ODD outgrow the problem by age 8. Older kids with ODD are less likely to outgrow it.
And left untreated, oppositional behavior can evolve into conduct disorder, an even more serious behavioral problem marked by physical violence, stealing, running away from home, fire-setting, and other highly destructive and often illegal behaviors.
What Treatment Is Available to Manage My Defiant Child’s ODD & Severe ADHD Behavior?
Any child with ADHD who exhibits signs of oppositional behavior needs appropriate treatment that usually includes a combination of medication and family therapy. The first step is to make sure that the child’s ADHD is under control. “Since oppositional behavior is often related to stress,” says Silver, “you have to address the source of the stress — the ADHD symptoms — before turning to behavioral issues.”
Says Riley, “If a kid is so impulsive or distracted that he can’t focus on the therapies we use to treat oppositional behavior,” he says, “he isn’t going to get very far. And for many kids with ADHD and oppositional behavior, the stimulant medications are a kind of miracle.
A lot of the bad behavior simply drops off.”
But ADHD medication is seldom all that’s needed to control oppositional behavior. If a child exhibits only mild or infrequent oppositional behavior, do-it-yourself behavior-modification techniques may well do the trick. But if the oppositional behavior is severe enough to disrupt life at home or school, it’s best to consult a family therapist trained in childhood behavioral problems.
The therapist should screen your child for anxiety and mood disorders. Each can cause oppositional behavior, and each calls for its own form of treatment. The therapist may also recommend cognitive therapy for the child, to help him cope effectively with difficult situations.
How Parent Training Can Help Kids with ODD Improve Their Behavior
In most cases, however, the treatment of choice for ODD is parent management training, in which the family therapist teaches the parents to change the ways they react to their child’s behavior — both good and bad.
Between weekly sessions, the parents practice what they’ve learned, and report to the therapist on their progress.
“Basically, parent training is about carrots and sticks,” says Brady. “On the carrot end, you work on giving your child praise and rewards for cooperating. On the stick end, you lay out clear consequences for misbehavior, usually involving a time-out or the removal of a reward.”
Parent management training is often highly effective, with the child’s behavior improving dramatically in four out of five cases. Parents who undergo the training typically report greater marital satisfaction, as well as improved behavior from their other children.
While some parents balk at the notion that they are the ones in need of training, “they have to learn how to stop getting into the arena with the child and descending to the level of squabbling,” says Silver. Parents often feed the problem by delivering overly harsh or inconsistent discipline. Instead, parents must reassert their authority by setting up well-defined rewards and punishments, and then implementing them consistently and dispassionately.
“My most important rule is that parents should not take ODD behavior personally,” says Riley. “Remain calm and friendly whenever you intervene. Oppositional kids have radar for adult hostility. If they pick up your anger, they’re going to match it.”
Riley recommends a “two free requests” approach: “The first time you ask your child to do something, give him two minutes to respond. If he doesn’t obey, calmly tell him, ‘I’m now asking you a second time to pick up your coat. Do you understand what I’m asking you to do, and what the consequences are if you don’t? Please make a smart decision.’ If you have to ask a third time, the prearranged consequence kicks in — the TV goes off for an hour, or the video game is taken away.”
How Can Parents Focus On Good Behaviors?
Rewarding good behavior or punishing bad behavior isn’t a revolutionary concept, but with oppositional kids, it’s easier said than done. Parents must rein in their impulse to yell or spank. At the same time, they must learn how to substitute “non-aversive punishments” such as time-outs or the loss of privileges.
Many parents of oppositional children are so focused on bad behaviors that they’ve stopped reinforcing positive ones. Yet positive reinforcement is the heart and soul of parent management training.
“Invariably, parents come to treatment with the idea of suppressing, eliminating, or reducing problem behavior,” writes Alan Kazdin, Ph.D., in Parent Management Training (#CommissionsEarned), a manual for therapists. But according to Kazdin, director of Yale University’s Child Study Center in New Haven, Connecticut, parent training emphasizes the concept of “positive opposites” instead. “For example,” says Kazdin, “parents are asked what to do if they want their child to stop screaming, slamming the door, or throwing breakable objects. The answers involve reinforcing talking quietly, closing the door gently, and handling objects with care and not throwing them.”
Kazdin maintains that helping parents learn to praise good behavior is one of the toughest challenges therapists face.
He says parents are often “hesitant to praise a behavior or to use reinforcers in general because they feel the behavior ought not require any intervention. ‘My child knows how to clean up his room, he just refuses to do it,’ is a typical parental comment.”
How Parents Can Offer More Effective Praise for a Defiant Child
When parents do offer praise, they should be enthusiastic. “An unenthusiastic statement of ‘Good’ is not likely to change child behavior,” says Kazdin. Praise should specify the praiseworthy behavior and, ideally, include some non-verbal gesture. For example, you might say, “It was wonderful the way you played so quietly while I was on the phone!” and then give your child a kiss.
Appropriate rewards and punishments vary from child to child. The more creatively you tailor your program to your child’s specific abilities and needs, the better. But as Russell Barkley, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at the Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston, writes in Your Defiant Child (#CommissionsEarned), “Creativity is always an asset to child-rearing, but it can’t hold a candle to consistency.
Consistency in the way you treat your child — the way you set rules, convey expectations, pay attention, encourage good behavior, and impose consequences for bad behavior — is the key to cleaning up your child’s act.”
Never lose sight of the fact that oppositional kids usually have a great deal to offer, once their behavior is under control. “Oppositional kids are also often quite engaging and bright,” says Riley. “They tend to be optimistic and very much their own person, with their own way of looking at the world. Once you work through their defiance, there’s a lot there to like.”
Parenting a Defiant Child: Next Steps
- Read: Facts About Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD
- Download: Kid-Friendly Mindful Meditation Exercises
- Understand: How to Discipline a Child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
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View Article Sources
1 Riley M, Ahmed S, Locke A. “Common Questions About Oppositional Defiant Disorder.” American Family Physician (Apr. 2016) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27035043
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Discipline for a child: where are the limits of strictness and loyalty?
Do children need strict discipline, or is it harmful to the development of creative inclinations? How not to turn family life into drill? We will talk about discipline in raising children with clinical psychologist Natalia Matveeva.
Presenter Marina Lanskaya talks to a guest on the air in the studio of the program "Learning to grow with love" of the Soyuz TV channel.
– Natalia, the word “discipline” raises several questions. On the one hand, we understand that it is impossible to raise a child without discipline. But, it seems to me, now there is a somewhat negative attitude towards this word. nine0004
"Disciplined child" doesn't sound as good as it did twenty years ago, for example, in my childhood, then discipline was at the forefront. Now they want the child to be creative, creative, free. Where are the limits of normal discipline in a child's life?
- Sometimes parents want from a child not only discipline, but some kind of convenience, complaisance, obedience. And very often this is what is meant. They say: I want him to be disciplined, but in reality: I want him to be the way I thought of him, so that he would do what I command, he was put into some kind of framework, and I was with him comfortable and convenient.
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And here, indeed, it would be good to define the concepts: what is discipline? For me, discipline is a structure, it is some kind of order, these are some rules. And I think that discipline in this form is normal, good, and there really is no way without it.
What is not discipline for me is toughness, it is even cruelty, and this is an illogical punishment, this is what does not lead to discipline later on.
– It seems to me that orderliness is what is needed in the life of every person. And if we do not give the basics of discipline, it will simply be difficult for the child to build his life in the future, and study, and work, and generally regulate all his actions and fit them into his daily routine. nine0004
Therefore, discipline is needed for the convenience of life, in order to protect yourself from stressful situations, when you are always late, do not have time for anything, and, in general, it is difficult to live.
But you are talking about rigidity, but where does the desire to subjugate the child to yourself and make him comfortable come from?
Or is it still a broadcast of what the parent himself learned in childhood from his parents, and there is already a vicious circle, and he needs to somehow get out of this with the help of specialists, because he repeats the behavior to which used to? nine0004
- A parent can only give what he himself has.
But this is a stalemate, unfortunately, we do so often: we are trying to instill what we have not been given, what we do not have.
And it is always an awkward situation when, for example, a mother comes to an appointment and says: I want him to do exercises in the morning, read books for an hour a day, clean his closet three times a week. An older child says: Mom, but you don’t do that either. ” And my mom blushes.
Or a favorite situation with these phones: I want him to play the phone, or take out the phone for an hour a day. The child says: Mom, and you are constantly in it! Therefore, it is very difficult to achieve something that you do not have. nine0005
Either you have to be completely honest and say: listen, I don't have this in my life, and it makes me feel very bad, I have difficulties with it. For example, I'm not used to coming on time, I'm late, because of this I have difficulties, let's go together with you ...
Of course, this can already be said to an older child.
When a child is small, there is such a trap here, because such discipline that you are talking about now, a certain order in life, is laid at a very early age. nine0005
Montessori used to say that a child “builds” himself at about a year and a half. Parents will probably remember: this is the age when the child needs everything to be in order, and he panics very much if now there is no favorite toy in this place.
It happens anywhere from one and a half to three. Then it is not a fact that something remains, and he is ready to learn at this moment.
He is still very small, but for him this ritual, this rhythm is very important. And this is what is very important to do with a child - to live rhythmically, and moreover, the rhythm should be in everything. In time: look, in the morning you and I got up, ate; then you and I went for a walk; then you play, and I do some of my own business, then we sleep. nine0005
And the child fits into this system very well. The child is calm, the mother is calm, and in principle in such families the child learns to live according to the daily routine, and he feels good.
It's structure, it's security.
And if a child understands that discipline is not because it is some kind of punishment that is comfortable and safe for him, easily and calmly, he accepts it very well. Then the matrix simply changes, but the child understands that this is how it is and it cannot be otherwise.
But if the parent at that moment did not give this to the child himself, and then they come at the age of ten, and the mother says that he is so disorganized, then I ask how everything was. nine0005
And my mother says: to be honest, I myself am jarred by such a clear discipline. This is inconsistency, and nothing can be worse for a child when parents demand one thing, but do something completely different; or when today you can do it, and tomorrow you are punished for it.
Today you are punished for it, and tomorrow you are patted on the head for it - this is unacceptable. And here the child has a sense of danger: discipline is some kind of requirement.
And demands kill desires. If a child begins to perceive this as tough demands, he does not want to, he resists even at a young age. nine0005
- Natalya, I understood correctly: we lay the foundation in the sense of ordering life at an early age, which means that parents need to think in advance about what they want from a child, and already at about a year and a half, start shaping such a life and you have to start with yourself.
And then what to do? I would like, firstly, to talk about how to streamline, so as not to miss this moment in that ideal case, when the parent took it on time and wants to raise the child from childhood so that he can then streamline his life. nine0004
And what to do if this moment has already been missed, and, as in the example you described, mother came with a problem. Let's start with the easy option and move on to the more difficult one.
- Here you immediately want to understand what we are going to talk about.
There is a temporary ordering of life, it's just a daily routine - with this, probably, it is easier for parents. Sometimes I advise you to do such a thing - it doesn’t matter if it’s three years old or later, but children respond very well to it.
This is sometimes done in kindergartens: a kind of visual schedule when, say, there is time, and you and your child are left alone at home. Usually parents are afraid of this, because they don’t understand how to organize his time, and it’s very difficult to discipline here when there is no school, when there is no kindergarten, when I am alone with the child, and something is constantly demanded of me. nine0005
But I want him to be disciplined, so that at the age of four he would get up on his own, make his bed, sit down, read a book, look at something, and the parent, in general, had nothing to do with it.
This does not happen. The child cannot learn this on his own, it is a skill that, again, is passed on by the parent.
And this is where the visual schedule helps a lot. But this is just a practical recommendation.
It would be nice to have a board, or it can be just a refrigerator and you negotiate with the child, or when he is small, you just do it yourself. You hang events from your life on the board - these can be photographs, even better if a photograph of a child, or it can be some kind of cards that are clear to him so that he can see the sequence of actions on the day of events. nine0005
This is especially good when the mother, for example, wants to introduce something new and the child must be ready. It would be good for the child to tell and show directly (and by the way, this is not bad if you want to introduce some new habit into the child), for example, look: from tomorrow I want you to cut salad with me.
After all, this is also the introduction of some kind of skill, but at first everyone, as always, got up, washed, but here if you used to play, and I, for example, cooked alone, now a card: we are cooking with you.
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The child can look forward to this. After that, when he did this, it would be nice to take such a card and say: look, you are great, you helped me, and now you can watch cartoons for twenty minutes (such an unobtrusive encouragement), you are smart. The child will always want to help you cut the salad. He may not even catch it, but all the same, such a positive reinforcement of the event in the child can be very important. By the way, this is something that works better than punishment.
– Scolding for the fact that the child can not cope with what we have introduced him – is this not the case? nine0004
- This is less efficient. It is more effective to encourage him. After all, there is a feeling of joy, and this is where you want to return again. If we want to introduce something, discipline the child, some new skills, teach something, it is very important for ourselves to understand that this works better than if you punish him.
- As for visualization, when we make a visual schedule, I think we are talking about small children, or is it also possible for older children to do something similar? nine0004
- This can sometimes help even adults if we didn’t get something in childhood, and you wake up in the morning, and everything is upside down for you.
What is a diary plan: it is, in fact, the same thing, but if it is a visualization, that is, you see it, everything is somehow clearer.
It is very important that discipline should not be associated with something very heavy, difficult and monotonous. Despite the fact that we discipline the child, we must remain light and flexible.
There is one more important point - the structure. E. Berne talked about four types of hunger - people sometimes starve not only physically, but psychologically too. And the first thing a child is starving without is tactile contact. nine0005
Stroking is when I see you, I hear you, I love you very much. This is such a message: you are mine, and I love you very much, this is about unconditional love. If this is not the case, the child begins to behave in a different way (not only children, by the way), in order to receive this, in order to receive that unconditional acceptance from the parent.
Second: I don't just see you, I hear you, I can encourage you for something, that's it for something.
That is, this is already a kind of praise, this is acceptance. Acceptance is not unconditional, but some of your achievements. I commend you for what you have done. nine0005
This is also very important. This is the second "hunger", and the child must understand what his abilities are, what he already knows, what we have already taught him, disciplined him. And the third “hunger” is just a “hunger” in structure, a “hunger” in discipline.
If a child does not have discipline, this is actually a dangerous story. Firstly, it may be inconvenient for parents or children, but very often children who grow up in too loyal families come with neurotic manifestations.
Because for a child not to have some kind of conditional framework and some kind of understanding and order means taking responsibility for what happens in the family. This means that in my family there is no adult, no elder, no good wise authority. And then you have to do something, and I take it upon myself. nine0005
And the child – he cannot do it, it is very difficult for him, and here neurotic symptoms are evident.
That is, the child begins to misbehave, the parents begin to yell at him, somehow punish him, but in fact there is no structure there.
And often, when I ask his parents if you have this order, this daily routine, any clear requirements, family rules, they say: no. Well, that's all.
That is, how will the child demand if he is hungry for this structure? He will behave very badly, in fact. Starting from negative behavior and ending with psychosomatic reactions. nine0005
That's why we all yearn for structure. If you are leaving and the road you are driving on is suddenly closed for repairs, I think you will have an alarm. The same with a child: if he is constantly faced with something, with some kind of road repair, he will be worried all the time, that is, a certain sequence is needed.
Until there are the first two components of the discipline, it is sometimes useless to move on to the third. First we accept and love, appreciate, praise, and then we structure.
And then there is the fourth “hunger” for stimuli: this is about the brightness of life, so that the child wants to be with his parents, he wants to please them, or something. It depends only on the parent, on what kind of atmosphere he creates in the house. nine0005
– It also happens the other way around, when the discipline in the family is so strict that the child starts to break it as a sign of protest. And there are many examples when the house is in perfect order, mom and dad live according to the schedule, and the child has chaos if he is a teenager, and he does not obey and can afford it.
Sometimes these are abandoned institutions, and so on. That is, such manifestations are also often encountered - because of what? Is this just the case when there is no acceptance, encouragement, that is, those two symbols that allow you to introduce discipline, or can there be some other nuances here? nine0004
- If we are talking about adolescence, it may sound strange, but it is normal.
This is the age when I collect myself - not a parent, but myself. I want to understand who I am, and often this comes through the removal of parental attitudes and rules.
That is, here we must admit that this is his search for his own path. Firstly, if we are talking about some kind of order, there can be no talk of order, because at that time there is complete chaos in the head.
Secondly, it would be good to reconcile with the child, because sometimes parents, who are too rigid, seem unable to reconcile. At the age of three, I think, you should not ask the child everything. You know, there is often such a story when, for example, a child is sitting, playing, and his mother says: well, shall we go already? The child says no. “See how naughty he is!” nine0005
And I want to ask: why are you asking? If you see: the time is over, you go up to him, say: baby, you have three more minutes, put away the toys, for example. Or: now the clock will ring, and we will leave.
At three years old, you don't need to ask your child if you can't let him make that choice.
In adolescence, the child wants to be treated more respectfully, and at this age part of the responsibility should be transferred to him, and it would be good to give the responsibility for his own discipline to the child altogether. nine0005
But the fact that he will break it is unequivocal, and I would say it's good. This is because if the child does not do this at 13-14, then most likely he will do this much later.
And at this age he learns to defend his boundaries, he learns to say "no", and he learns to put some order in his life. It often happens that if his parents did not break him at 14, then by the age of 20 he takes the order of life that his parents offered him, in which he grew up. But this period must be experienced with respect, negotiating, and already now asking his opinion, but still understanding that while you are still the power in the family, but listening to him somewhere. Therefore, with teenagers it is a little more difficult. nine0005
- We have not touched on the important issue of sanctions .
- Let's think about an example. People who drive a car are well aware that you can go into the oncoming lane, but you will get at least a fine for this, and at the most, an accident. The child must know that there are rules, and if he does not do something, there is a sanction.
For example, you didn't put your toys away today – I understand, that means you're tired. But after you put the toys away, you usually watch a cartoon, for example. Today I can't let you have a cartoon, and you know about it. nine0005
You may or may not remove the toys - it's your choice, but you know that for this you will put "rights on the table", that is, you will not play. And here we need more parental clarity and consistency.
Event inf.
Video version of the program
10 ways to make children happy
Komsomolskaya Pravda
Dom. FamilyMom and babyMom and baby: Education and development
Anna GERASIMENKO
April 29, 2014 16:30
What every parent needs to know
Photo: GLOBAL LOOK PRESS
I have a black and white photo - I'm six years old, smile from ear to ear, delight in my eyes, and almost no teeth.
Mom calls her "happy childhood." And, if you think about what it takes to make a child happy? Not handsome, well-read and successful in chess, not obedient and not vaccinated against measles... Namely, happy! Miracle psychologists sing with a benevolent voice: “the main thing is to love your baby.” It's not important, it's not even discussed! We love, no need to remind. What can we DO to make our children happy? We have collected 10 important tips for parents, 10 steps to the happiness of our heirs. nine0005
1. Be happy yourself
Here's a slightly selfish way. But children are our mirror. And when mom and dad enjoy life, change something for the better, do what they love, the child learns and repeats.
Studies have shown that in a family where mom or dad is in constant depression, children often misbehave, suffer from neuroses, study worse and cannot find a common language with their peers. It is difficult to be happy next to parents who are always tired, hate their work, curse life and the state. So think about it, do you have everything for happiness yourself? And maybe it's worth at least once a week to get out to have fun with friends? No matter how strange it may sound, but "for the sake of the children." Neurologists say that it is impossible not to laugh when people sincerely laugh next to you. Laugh yourself, and your heirs will have fun. nine0005
2. Learn to build relationships
Adults often read psychological advice on how to improve relationships with each other, with your husband, with your mother, with friends… We know that it is important to communicate and enjoy communication, our life depends on it. happiness. But who will explain to the children what to do if Petrov called him a "brat"? How to react if classmates do not accept the game? What to answer when a friend boasts, and you feel bad about it? Telling a child to "pay no mind" is no help. Learn to communicate, learn to negotiate, get out of conflicts, defend yourself. Learn to share, do good deeds, make friends with peers, and reach out to adults.
The child will be much happier if he knows how to build relationships with other people. nine0005
3. Appreciate the effort, not the perfect result
Scientists conducted a study - for the purpose of the experiment, they offered children to choose a puzzle (simple or complex) and put it together. Those children whose parents constantly demand success and results from them chose the easier puzzle. These children were afraid not to live up to the expectations of their mothers and fathers, to show a lower result and not confirm their "title" of a smart child. And those children, whose parents usually praise them for their efforts and encourage any attempts and experiments, boldly chose a difficult puzzle. Why not try? Children of demanding parents are afraid to make a mistake, and, therefore, afraid to take risks and take on something new. Children who are praised for their efforts and supported in any endeavor easily try new things. They are not afraid to take on the difficult (well, you think it won’t work out), they even like the process itself.
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4. More optimism
Optimism comes hand in hand with happiness. According to statistics, optimists are more successful at school, at work, and even in sports. Optimists are healthier than pessimists and live longer. Teach children to look at the world with optimism - here, after all, much depends on the "point of view." What are we paying attention to? What do we notice? Terrible crowd in the subway or that they arrived quickly? The sun that makes you warm, or the sun that burns your nose? Learn to see, and, most importantly, celebrate the good. You can even come up with a game - sit on the sofa every evening and remember the five good moments of that day. nine0005
5. Don't hide your emotions
The same miracle psychologists often propagate: hug, smile, don't show your child that you're angry, don't shout. All this is fine, BUT only if sincerely. When a mother stretches her mouth in a smile, although she herself wants to sob, or when a mother speaks in a calm voice, although everything inside her is boiling and bubbling with anger, the child is in disarray.
Children are much more sensitive than adults and are better at recognizing true emotions. You can't hide anything from them. They feel a "double bottom" and cannot rejoice and play calmly when they see a fake mother's smile. So another moment necessary for the peace and happiness of children is to be able to show and express emotions. You are happy - laugh, you are angry - frown and say so, you are sad - sad, explaining why. And explain to the child: “You are now angry because I did not buy you ice cream before dinner.” We are alive, we are not robots. And, if you are now locking up your true feelings, demonstrating supposedly constant happiness, get ready that the child will also incorrectly “read” both his own and your emotions. nine0005
6. Enjoy the little things
And again the story with the mirror - both you and your children. If it seems to you that you can only rejoice in serious things, then you will rarely rejoice. Do not wait for the "five" in a year to shout "cheers.
" Shout "hurrah" now, about the "four" for the control.
7. Teach self-discipline
Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. No need to make a tragedy out of this, you need to be able to force yourself. Get up at six in the morning? Well, it is necessary, it is necessary. And there is nothing to spoil your mood and goon all morning - it's better to get up and go. Allergic to oranges? This does not mean that you need to stop being friends with everyone who eats oranges and make the fruit taboo for everyone in the family. It is much easier for people who know how to discipline themselves, to make efforts on themselves, both in study and in work. Such people cope better with stress and difficulties. nine0005
8. Play with children
I once heard a conversation between two girls:
- Does your mother play with you?
- Yeah.
- You are lucky! And my parents are always busy.
Everything that happens to them, children perceive through the game, and we are increasingly trying to keep them busy - a drama club, a photo circle .
... But the main BUSINESS for a child is to play! And the more you play together, the closer you get to each other. With the help of bunnies and bears, you can explain a lot, help your child get rid of fears, teach them to stand up for themselves. If you play with a child, he knows that you are there, you are with him, you care. So find at least half an hour a day when no one interrupts you, the phone does not ring, milk does not run away, and you completely and completely plunge into the world of your child - into his game. nine0005
9. Give the opportunity to choose
This does not mean that the child decides whether to wear a hat or not. But the child can choose which hat to wear. And, believe me, it is also very important for him. Having the opportunity to choose, the child feels that he controls his life, feels responsibility and your trust. “I am not stupid and small, I am a person, I decide for myself, they trust me!” If you are sure that the child should play basketball, first ask him what he wants.
And, if his dream is to play the harp, enroll in a music school. Let all the men in your family play basketball, but will your son be happy throwing the ball into the basket? Find an opportunity to support HIS hobby. nine0005
10. Show how interesting life is
Mode is good, but we also need holidays that take away from everyday life. Unexpected trips to the woods, game nights, pancakes on the weekends, dinner you cook together, trips to work with your dad. You can just go to the station to look at the trains, or take a walk along the old streets.
- It should be interesting for a child to live, - psychologist Daria LOGINOVA is sure . – He needs to feel “included” in this life! And, in short, for happiness, children need family, friends, a sense of security and freedom of choice. nine0005
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