How much does it cost to adopt a child in south africa
Cost Of Adoption In South Africa 2022/2023
Due to the fact that the majority of the population in South Africa is black, more than half of the total population in the country are children below 18 years of age. There are more than 15 million children in South African and most of them are poor. According to statistics, there are more than 15,000 children in South Africa who are homeless and only 15% of these kids live with both of their parents.
It is difficult for most of the families in South Africa to support these kids due to unemployment and poverty issues. Adoption is one of the best ways to give someone a new life and family. Adoption is a legal process that is regulated by South African law. It is a permanent process.
Adopting a child is a big decision in life, and the costs involved can be overwhelming. South Africa has a very high adoption rate and here is a summary of what you should know about the costs involved. The process of adopting a child in South Africa costs a lot of money. This could be because of the high number of orphans in the country, or the fact that there are licensed agencies that charge administrative fees for their services.
For those seeking to adopt from South Africa, it is important to know exactly how much this process is going to cost you. It is important to know the costs associated with adoption because the money you set aside for it will likely be used up before you have adopted your child. That is because the process of adopting through an agency or lawyer is much more costly than adopting privately. It is important to shop around and do your research to find the agency that is going to be right for your family. As you compare the costs of adoption from different agencies or countries, it is important to look at the expenses of adoption and not just the total cost.
Below, a breakdown has been made for key points to bear in mind, when considering adoption in South Africa.
Table of Contents
- Costs of Adopting a Child/Adoption Fees in South Africa:
- How to Adopt a Child/Adoption Process in South Africa
- Where to Adopt a Child
- Different Ways to Adopt a Child
- Home Check
- Adoption Practitioners
- Reputable Adoption Agencies in South Africa
- Fast Track Adoption
Costs of Adopting a Child/Adoption Fees in South Africa:
Cost is dependent on whether you’re using a private social worker or agency.
Always remember that budgeting above the estimated fee will help you not to be caught unaware.
For adoption agencies, costs range between R12,000 to R18,000. This doesn’t cover medical / police clearance or psychological examination fees.
For private social workers, the fee ranges between R50 000 to R70 000. This covers all external screening, counseling, and support needed.
How to Adopt a Child/Adoption Process in South Africa
Before embarking on the adoption process, you want to be certain that you meet the eligibility criteria stipulated in the country.
These criteria include:
a. Adoptive parents should be between ages 25 to 48.
b. Married couples for at least 1 year, are welcome to adopt.
c. Single parent applicants are eligible to adopt.
d. As per criminal history, applicants shouldn’t have a history of a felony. Applicants shouldn’t have more than two misdemeanors in their lifetime as well.
e. Adoptive parents should have a net worth of at least R154 000.
f. Families with children can adopt, provided that the youngest child in the home is 3 years at the time.
g. Applicants with life-threatening/communicable diseases, or other conditions that may affect their ability to parent, aren’t allowed to adopt.
Where to Adopt a Child
Once you meet the eligibility criteria, the next step is to apply to any credible agency of your choice.
This agency / social worker will conduct a home check to see how fit you are to raise a child.
If the results are satisfactory, you will then be put on the Register of Adoptable Children and Adoptive Parents. This is where searching for a child who wants to be adopted, comes in.
The time estimate for this varies, due to the adoption criteria, the applicants have specified.
When you do find a child you’re willing to adopt, it is then a matter of sending your report to the Children’s Court, to confirm that correct procedures were followed, to finalize the adoption, as well as issue an adoption order.
Different Ways to Adopt a Child
While you may think it easier to personally transact with a pregnant woman/guardian to give you a child directly, it is way safer and legitimate to adopt only via agencies, social workers, or NGOs.
While they all have their downsides, legitimacy, and safety are guaranteed. And you’re certain of getting your child in the end.
Home Check
Otherwise known as Screening, this is a check carried out by the adoption agency / social worker, to be certain how to fit you are to raise a child.
Checks are carried out on financial capability, psychological state, police record, and medical history.
Because the screening process is rigorous and thorough, the estimated time it takes is between three to six months.
Adoption Practitioners
For adoption in South Africa, you can either go through adoption agencies, private social workers, or NGOs like Impilo or Child Welfare South Africa (CWSA).
Reputable Adoption Agencies in South Africa
The National Adoption Coalition has provided a list of credible agencies / social workers.
When you visit their site through this link (https://adoption.org.za/), you’ll find full names, addresses, email links, and phone numbers.
Fast Track Adoption
It is the case that you can fast-track the adoption process by using a private social worker. Of course, this involves more funds than is involved in the public sector.
However, if you are unable to afford this, concentrate on agencies / NGOs whose terms and conditions are well-suited to you.
In conclusion, when considering adopting in South Africa, ensure to do your due diligence with research. And it’ll help if you focus on positive stories that highlight the possibility of getting your own child.
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Our team recently returned from an advocacy trip to South Africa! We have already begun advocating for the sweet waiting children they met.
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We matched 14 children with their forever families in 2022! We can't wait to see what 2023 has in store for our South African adoption program.
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SOUTH AFRICA ADOPTION OVERVIEW
All God’s Children International is one of three U.S. agencies accredited to provide adoption services for children in South Africa. The country of South Africa is one of the first African nations to embrace the regulations of the Hague Convention and AGCI is one of the only agencies with 2 Hague-accredited programs in Africa!
Tragically, disease, unemployment, political unrest, and numerous other factors have led to a devastating orphan crisis in South Africa. Children have been abandoned or relinquished, often with medical needs that require special services. Many orphans are being cared for in foster homes or small institutions.
Christian Adoption Agency, All God’s Children International began working directly in partnership with Johannesburg Child Welfare Society (JCW) in South Africa to place South African orphans in loving adoptive families in 2018.
JCW is a social service organization that has been serving South African families since 1909.
- Most children available for adoption are between the ages of 2-6.
- All children eligible for adoption have medical conditions, are part of a sibling group, or are considered older orphans.
- Timeframe: 1-3 years. Timeframe is from registered dossier to completion. Timeframes are dependent on family’s openness to medical conditions, gender, and age of child.
- Complete a FREE Pre-App to view waiting children.
View Waiting Children
WHO IS ELIGIBLE TO ADOPT FROM SOUTH AFRICA?
Age of Parents
Both parents must be between 25 and 48 years of age.
Marital Status
Couples married at least 1 year are welcome to adopt from South Africa. If there is a history of divorce, the current marriage must be at least 2 years. Each spouse may have up to 2 divorces.
Single Applicant
Single parents are eligible to adopt from South Africa.
Children in Family
Families with children are welcome to adopt from South Africa. The youngest child in the home must be at least 3 years old at the time of application.
Income
Families must have a positive net worth and an income of at least $10,000 per family member, including the adopted child.
Criminal History
Applicants cannot have a history of felonies and no more than two misdemeanors in their lifetime. Misdemeanors will be considered on a case-by-case basis.
Medical History
Applicants without a past or current diagnosis of a life-threatening or communicable disease or other condition that impairs their ability to parent and/or the quality of life of a child are eligible to adopt from South Africa.
“And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.” Matthew 18:5
HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO ADOPT FROM SOUTH AFRICA?
The approximate cost to adopt from South Africa is $24,950. Cost does not include airfare, lodging, and other fees associated with travel.
There are so many ways to fund your adoption! You can learn more about AGCI specific grants, adoption loans, and employee benefits and more on our How to Fund Page!
AGENCY FEES
APPLICATION: $350 This non-refundable fee covers the cost of a review of your application to confirm your eligibility for your desired program. (Due at application)
U.S. AGENCY: $8,500* The agency fee covers AGCI’s cost to facilitate your adoption with agency and government officials in both the United States and foreign country. Processing expenses for AGCI include, but are not limited to, personnel costs, administrative overhead, operational costs, staff training and education, state, federal, and international licensing and accreditations, communications and insurance. (1/2 due with completion of contract and 1/2 due six months after contract)
PROGRAM FEE: $2,500* This fee provides care for orphans around the world and allows AGCI to provide the medical, emotional, spiritual, and developmental care that every child deserves.
(Due with completion of orientation)
POST-ADOPTION SERVICE: $2,800 This fee allows us to provide post-adoption support services to your family and process post-adoption reports. (Due with completion of referral packet)
*If adopting siblings, agency and 1st program fees increase.
HOME STUDY AND POST-ADOPTION*
AGCI HOME STUDY SERVICES: $2,500 These fees cover our services in preparing and completing your adoption home study, including any applicable social worker travel costs. If outside AGCI’s home study states; these fees may be payable to your home study agency. (Due with completion of orientation)
POST-ADOPTION REPORTS: $400 per report; $225 per report for each additional child. These fees cover the cost for AGCI to provide post-placement visits and reports upon arrival home. (Due with completion of referral packet)
*These fees may vary if payable to your home study agency for families living outside of AGCI’s licensed states.
NON-AGCI HOME STUDY REVIEW: $400 Any home study written by your home study agency (if outside our 6 home study states) will be reviewed by AGCI to ensure it meets all AGCI, USCIS, Hague and sending country criteria. (Due with completion of orientation)
SOUTH AFRICA COUNTRY FEES & EXPENSES
$7,100* These fees cover the cost of facilitating an international adoption in South Africa. These fees include, but are not limited to costs related to personnel, administration, training and education, legal fees and communications associated with government and agency authorities, government fees, and care of your child prior to the completion of your adoption (Due with completion of dossier and referral packet as indicated on fee schedule).
ADDITIONAL & THIRD PARTY EXPENSES
| Adoptive Parent Home Study Education: | $300 |
| Adoptive Parent Referral Education: | $600 |
| Accreditation Monitoring & Oversight: | $850 |
| FBI Fingerprinting: | $85 per adult |
| USCIS & Immigration Related Fees: | $775+ |
| Notary Services, County & State Authentication: | $250+ |
| Document Authentication and Translation Fees: | $400-$3,600 |
| Re-Adoption: | $500-$1,500 |
| Travel Expenses: | $3,000-$15,000 |
TOTAL COST: The approximate cost to adopt from South Africa is $24,950.
Cost does not include airfare, lodging and other fees associated with travel.
Fee Disclosure: All fees paid to AGCI are paid in advance of service. AGCI fees are non-refundable and may not be waived. If services are terminated and a refund is due, all refunds will be processed within 60 days of withdrawal and/or closure of the adoption file upon receiving the Adoption Termination Contract.
“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families…” Psalm 68:5-6
HOW TO ADOPT A CHILD FROM SOUTH AFRICA
STEP ONE
Complete home study and dossier process.
STEP TWO
Wait to be matched with your child and then begin the referral process.
STEP THREE
If you accept your referral, then you will wait for the Central Authority to issue the formal referral paperwork with all the child’s legal and medical history. Once you receive this information, you will then submit the I-800 paperwork to U.
S. Immigration.
STEP FOUR
Once your family has received the approval from the Central Authority, you will be able to travel to South Africa to meet your child to begin bonding. A social worker in South Africa will assess the bonding between you and your child prior to beginning the court process to finalize your child’s adoption. You will attend a court hearing to finalize the adoption.
STEP FIVE
Once the adoption is finalized, one meeting will take place at the U.S. Embassy in South Africa, and your final visa appointment will be held at the U.S. Embassy in South Africa. Your family will then travel home with your adopted child. This trip will span 3-4 months.
STEP SIX
Welcome home! AGCI and South Africa require post-adoption visits and reports at 3, 6, and 12-month anniversaries from the U.S. Embassy appointment date and annually for 2-5 years after your child is home. In addition, once the adoption is finalized and your child is home, you are required to complete your state re-adoption process.
AGCI is here for support throughout your child’s life—connect with us at anytime for ongoing support services!
SOUTH AFRICA ADOPTION TEAM
SOUTH AFRICA IN-COUNTRY TEAM
AGCI partners with the Johannesburg Child Welfare Society (JCW) in South Africa, which works directly under the authority of the Central Authority, Department of Social Development.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy.” – Proverbs 13
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United States
“There are no secrets of adoption in our country”: an adoptive mother of two children honestly tells her story
Komsomolskaya Pravda publishing house publishes a book by Ekaterina Kuznetsova “Children, go home! A very honest adoption story.
" Geneticist by education, blogger, foster mother of two children, the author describes his parental history in detail. Forbes Life publishes a fragment of the book
The path of an adoptive parent seems very difficult. Collection of documents, fuss, bureaucracy, obstacles, the need to spend money ...
In fact, certificates, including doctors, you have the right to receive free of charge. “For my daughter” I paid two rubles - when I received an extract from the house book. My son was “more expensive”: I wanted to get tested for HIV and hepatitis faster than in a week at the clinic. And it's all a waste.
The devil is not as scary as he is painted. At least in terms of time and money, pregnancy and childbirth are longer and more expensive than adoption. But it seems that this process does not turn anyone away from motherhood.
They often complain: “But where can I find time to drag myself through the whole city to guardianship, communicate with unpleasant officials, they still like them, forgive me, sir?” I will answer simply: "Look for time where you plan to find it for your long-awaited child." If it is empty, then, alas, nothing will come of it. Adoption is a very energy-consuming process, the result of which really depends only on your desire and determination.
Remember that only you need to find a child in this vast world. And the baby, of course, but he can not help. nine0005
Get ready to be dissuaded from adoption. I remember how, before the adoption of Angelina, she was in custody - she took a list of documents and a sample of a medical certificate. All the twenty minutes that I was sitting in a cramped office, my dear aunt tried to intimidate me:
- Well, where are you, baby, you are so young!
- I'm almost thirty.
— What about your husband? Husband what?
- Husband supports.
— Do your relatives also support you?
— Of course, who doesn't want a grandson? nine0005
— All abandoned children are sick with various diseases!
— Not all of the blooded are full of health either.
— You will have to unsubscribe your property to this strange child!
- This will not be someone else's child, but mine.
- And genetics! Genetics, you know, bad!
- Genetics is a science, it's not bad, I even have a diploma in it.
With Honours.
Well, the daughter was found in one day. The trial was over in half an hour. The baby turned out to be healthier than many, dad and grandparents do not have a soul in her. I'm not perfect, but I'm certainly a good enough mother. In any case, my daughter whispers in my ear in the evenings: “You are the best mother in the world.” nine0005
Another well-known myth is that healthy, beautiful, little children are “hidden” and “held” for those who are able to pay for them, to give a bribe to guardianship employees. It was also not confirmed: I did nothing to find the children. I was offered to meet my daughter as soon as we arrived at the guardianship with papers. And about the son, they even called when information was received about him.
However, I often hear: “How did you find such babies, beautiful and healthy? Do you have connections? Did you pay bribes? Searched for many years? nine0005
But put yourself in the place of the guardian aunt.
The one who, instead of a missed stork, has to decide which family the baby will go to.
Let's imagine even for a moment that she has no experience of removing children from the family, repeated returns, squabbles and tantrums around the children's issue, no late checks and no many kilometers of reports. Such a fantastic aunt who knows nothing about burnout.
One "mommy" calls and demands children right now, otherwise she will complain. nine0005
Another friend found out about a particular child and doesn't want to hear anything about the waiting list.
The third one checks every month whether her girl with blue eyes has appeared among the refuseniks.
The fourth for the seventh time signs a refusal to meet, seasoning it with lamentations: “Oh, where did they get such patients from!”
Fifth sticks an envelope and asks for help: “Well, you understand, we need it more.
” No need to offer money to anyone, I beg you! Suddenly they will take it, and then next time they will think about whether to give children to a family for free. nine0005
And the sixth woman came with her husband and said that they were expecting a child, but he was nowhere to be found. And they will be happy to get acquainted with those who are - what if their baby is among them? Diagnoses - and who without them? Premature - just longer will need to be carried on the handles. Have a brother? So, twice as much happiness.
And a week later she comes again: to find out how things are going, what news. And then, after a couple of weeks, again. And further.
Who would you choose?
There are many children who can be adopted.
There are too many of them ... But these are not at all the children that you see on my page. Children in the system and children at home are completely different. nine0005
There is no point in endlessly flipping through photos and waiting for it to elapse. She looks at living children, and from the photo look unemotional faces, dull eyes and diagnoses, diagnoses, diagnoses.
How to find? Get up and go. In guardianship, where you ask for official confirmation that there are no children for adoption. To the regional operator. Travel to nearby areas. Lower the bar, expand the scope - meet children of the wrong age for you and with diagnoses that are frightening at first glance. Go, find out, clarify, consult, ask for additional examinations, after all. nine0005
Genes? Oh yeah. Take a peek into your genes out of curiosity.
Sit down one evening and draw your family tree. Mark there not only the name, but also how the person lived. I know for sure that you will not have a pedigree, where no matter what the name is, then a scientist or a ballerina.
Don't just sit there waiting for the magic call! Difficult? Yes. Fearfully? Lord, of course it's scary, infinitely scary! But you are an adult with family, friends, loved ones. You can share your fear. You know the ways to step over it and leave it behind. nine0005
The path of an adoptive parent only seems difficult. School of adoptive parents, endless collection of papers, vacation from doctors at the clinic, difficulties in custody, an endless month of waiting for a certificate of no criminal record ... And so you want to run, run faster, pick up the child and become a mom or dad.
But I went through it twice and realized an important thing.
When it seems that the path is too difficult, that everything is moving too slowly, that this hassle will never end, remember: maybe your child has not yet been born. nine0005
I don't believe in God, but I'm almost sure that someone up there is making sure that everyone in the complex system moves at the right speed and one day, at the right moment, they meet at the right point. We met to move on side by side. Together.
Perhaps this is fate.
Black box
My daughter was eleven months old when she screamed in her sleep for the first time. It was not a cry, not a whim - it was a cry full of bestial horror and despair. I carried her in my arms, shook her, hissed, offered alternately water and a bottle of milk, but she did not stop.
This cry was filled with such pain that it climbed under the skin, pierced to the very bones. I don't remember how long it lasted, maybe an hour. nine0005
Her nightmares recur almost every night. I changed my daily routine, lit an aroma lamp with lavender, took my daughter to a neurologist, repeated neurosonography, even tried to give sedatives based on herbs. Nothing helped. And one day, in the middle of the night and the cry of a child, in complete desperation, I spoke aloud.
I tried to put into words those emotions that mixed in this cry - suffering, pain, loneliness, mortal danger. I told my daughter about what she had to endure when I was not around:
“One day you were alone, my little one. The mother who carried you in her belly, who breastfed you and was there for you, is gone forever.
You were alone, and only strangers succeeded each other. This was really scary. Alone. It was incomprehensible, painful. And no one comforted you, hugged you, pressed you to his chest and rocked you. No one explained anything, and you still don't know what happened to you. The only thing left is the fear that it might happen again.”
My little girl, while I was talking, began to scream more and more quietly, and in the end she went limp in my arms and fell asleep. Nightmares came more than once, and again and again I told my daughter the story of her personal horror. At the same time, she added more and more new details of what exactly happened to her, until she told the whole story. Now this is long gone, which means that every emotion was named after itself, shared with me and experienced. nine0005
The youngest son, a conscientious objector from birth, leads me to the story of adoption quite differently.
Time after time, he breaks out of his hands and runs beyond the "border" - to where danger awaits him. On the road, on sharp stones, to the river bank, to the edge of the stairs. Again and again I run after him, stop him, hug him and tell him how much I need him and how I am afraid of losing him. I've done this hundreds of times already, and I'll repeat it as many times as it takes for him to believe me completely.
When I am told that a child does not ask questions about adoption, I am convinced that the parents simply do not notice them. It can be nightmares, fever without symptoms, whims around the birthday. It can be unreasonable anger and aggression or isolation and tearfulness. Children often do not understand how to say words, but their body, actions, their behavior just scream: “Tell me! Explain!" There is a black box hidden in each of our babies, where the whole horror of what happened to them is recorded in detail.
And if we do not help open it and decipher all that is raging inside, the box will periodically shake until one day the lid is torn off. nine0005
How to start talking about this topic? I chose the most reliable option for myself - a book of life written for a child.
Reliable because you can think through every word in the book. And you can read it aloud for the first time alone. And the second, third - as long as it takes to live and cry out my personal emotions (I cried the first ten times, and I started reading to my daughter only after the twentieth, when I could do it completely calmly).
I started the book of life almost immediately after the appearance of Angelina at home. It is about how the daughter was born, and we were preparing to become parents. How she was alone, and we were looking for her.
How they found it and how happy they were. How they lay together in the hospital and waited for the trial. How did you become one family? There are photos from the hospital, and photos of our family, and lullabies that I sang to her, and the first shots from home. There is a fairy tale that I wrote for my daughter. nine0005
I started reading this book to Lina as soon as she learned to listen, probably from eight months. And I am still reading. The book is always at hand and already looks rather shabby. When my daughter has a difficult day, full of emotions, I know for sure: she will get this particular book from the shelf for evening reading.
At first Lina just listened. Then she repeated herself and told how it was. Now he asks questions, and I always answer the truth.
One day she asked me early in the morning, when she went downstairs for breakfast:
— Mommy, why don't I look like you at all? My eyes are brown.
The nose is snub. Her hair is so long...
I hugged my daughter tighter.
— Well, let's see. You and I both have blond hair. And there were colored strands, right? And the pigtails now, look, are braided, two pieces for each! Both have blue T-shirts. We both love mango ice cream. You, just like me, say "neither in a fairy tale to say, nor to remove with a bulldozer," and I, like you, say "shave off." We also have very similar smiles,” I brought the selfie camera closer, “smile, come on!” nine0005
My daughter smiled with me and I took a picture. Four pigtails for two, button noses, imps in the eyes, smiles from ear to ear. Just like two drops.
— Indeed, Mom, they are so similar! When we smile, we look alike! I understood why! You and I are two halves of the same heart.
When we were apart, it was broken. And when together - a whole, and very happy, right?
— That's right, daughter. Very happy!
Soon I will begin to supplement the book of life with details by age: why did it happen that the woman who gave birth to her did not know how to be a mother. How exactly did my daughter end up in the hospital where we found her. Why couldn't I have a baby myself. One day there will be a photograph where the blood mother holds the newborn Lina in her arms ... By the age of transition, an adopted child should know absolutely all the details of his birth and appearance in the family, even the most difficult ones. nine0005
Nikita will have the same book, we will read it all together. It will become unifying for my children, because Angelina will understand that they have the same story behind them.
It is very difficult for us adults to talk about this. It seems impossible to take and start telling such a terrible thing to a very small child. It is difficult to try on the full scale of the grief that our baby has experienced. I'm sure it will help to realize that everything has already happened to him in reality, and he coped. When talking with a child about adoption, you do not push him away, on the contrary, you show that you are ready to share the pain of his past with him, accept him entirely, along with the story of his birth. nine0005
Our children need a lot of confirmation that we will always be there. And we definitely need to confirm their confidence and talk about it.
Speak out loud.
The secret becomes clear
You should have seen the faces of mothers in the clinic on the day of babies, when I came to the pediatrician with a monthly Nikita and an absolutely flat stomach.
Three just gave me puzzled looks, and the fourth asked loudly: “Do you have an adopted baby?” Something like this, everything secret became clear on our very first exit from the house with our son. nine0005
A similar story happened to my daughter. On our second walk, a girl approached me and said that she was a neighbor and had been watching us for a long time. “Excuse me,” she asked timidly, “but where did the four-month-old baby come from? In autumn, no belly was visible, and here is December - and-and-and oops! ..”
Of course, I did not wear false stomachs, did not hide a slender figure under bulky clothes, did not change my place of residence and in general did not try to save that the very secret of adoption, about which so much is said. Let's see why. nine0005
To begin with, I would like to say that there is no secret of adoption in our country.
In law it is, but in practice it does not exist. For example, in the same polyclinic, the receptionist simply crossed out his last name in Nikita's card and entered a new one. And the "former" mother was also crossed out and entered me. I laughed a lot: secrecy just rolls over! Even at the legislative level, only people authorized to do so (a judge, a prosecutor, and a guardian) are called to keep secrets. And even then it is impossible to disclose it only for malicious purposes, but out of the kindness of the soul - you can! Here is an excerpt from the law, see:
“Disclosure of the secret of adoption (adoption) against the will of the adopter, committed by a person obliged to keep the fact of adoption (adoption) as an official or professional secret, or by another person out of mercenary or other vile motives, is punishable by a fine. <...> Until a court decision on adoption is made, the confidentiality of information about the intended adoptive parents and the adopted person is not protected by criminal law.
”
Best of all, the secrecy of adoption protects the natural parents from their child. Because the state will not give an orphan who has grown up information about his birth mother and father without the consent of the adoptive parent. That is, if the adoptive parent has died, it is impossible to find out who your relatives are. nine0005
Why am I against secrecy? First of all, because it is a lie, whatever you call it. We sometimes think that we are protecting the child from injury. But let's be honest with ourselves: the separation from the blood mother in the lives of these children has already happened. For at least nine months, my daughter and son did not hear my heartbeat, did not get used to my voice, did not feel my warmth. They can tell me that for Nikita, eleven days without a mother was exactly the same as for children who ended up in intensive care after birth.
Oh sure. With one nuance: they were taken from there by the mother who gave birth, and Nikita is completely different. nine0005
I believe that children remember the separation from their natural mother. Unconsciously, of course, but it is with them forever. And it can greatly affect their lives. What actually gives a lie? What is its advantage? The fact that the child does not seem to have a trauma of non-bloodliness? But it exists, just not voiced.
Living in a lie, a child always feels that the topic of his birth is complex and tense for his mother: she reacts warily to questions, and sometimes even gets frightened. Either he gets upset or doesn't want to talk about it at all. The kid concludes that the fact of his birth is something bad. Most often, he feels that something in his life is not quite right. But he doesn't know what. And he does not have a chance to work it out, accept it, get sick and live happily on.
nine0005
It also happens that hereditary diseases appear that could not have arisen without a cause. Or even simpler: one fine day at a school lesson on determining the blood type, the child suddenly learns that his group does not correlate with his parents in any way. This is a non-fictional story, this happened in a lesson taught by my mother, a biology teacher.
I won't even talk about the tension in which non-speaking parents live and what happens to an adult when he finds out that he was adopted. So much has already been said and written about it. nine0005
The only “benefit” of keeping such a secret is to protect the feelings of the parents themselves, who have not fully accepted their own inability to give birth to a natural child. Problem denial. Silencing her.
It's really not easy to speak openly.
That I am not omnipotent. To say that my child was alone, and at that time I was collecting some papers. To say that she could not make sure that this pain never happened in his life. To say that she herself could not give birth to him into this world, no matter how much I wanted to. Very hard. But I will not shift this unbearable burden onto fragile children's shoulders. I'm an adult and I can handle it. nine0005
My daughter and I read adoptive fairy tales. In Russia, there is, alas, a shortage of such, but in America a whole shelf is always reserved for them in the store. I asked a friend to send me some of the coziest ones. My daughter calls them “books about love”, and they are read to holes - I freely translate these stories from English. And every time after reading we discuss how it was with us. She asks more and more questions, and I hug her, kiss her and tell her for the millionth time how I was waiting for her, how I was looking for her, how glad I was that I found her, how I became her mother forever, how I looked after her little.
I repeat for the millionth time how much I love her and how happy I am to be her mother. That she is my dream come true. nine0005
All this makes it easy for the child to accept the fact that he is adopted. My children know that this topic is not banned, that it is always open for discussion. She is not sick, not sad, not ashamed. This story is primarily about happiness. And the baby perceives his appearance in the family as happiness, and does not see rejection and great trouble in this. Someone comes to the family, being born from the mother's tummy, and someone like this - from a hospital or an orphanage. When age allows, the daughter will find out how and why she was left alone. And this will not be a rejection of her birth, but an honest story that adults sometimes make mistakes. I hope this will help Angelina choose a different path in life, and not follow in the footsteps of her blood mother. nine0005
Does it hurt my daughter that I didn't give birth to her? Yes, it happens that she clings to me and says that she would very much like to be born from my tummy (and sometimes she stamps her foot and demands that it be so).
I honestly answer that this is also my dream, so that I would carry her in my stomach from the very beginning, and that I would give birth to the world, and that she would never, ever have to go through the loneliness with which her life began. We dream together how it would be. And it brings us closer, trust me.
One of the most common reasons for keeping adoption a secret is the fear that the child will not be like everyone else. Other people will treat him with disdain: "Fu, an orphan." They will call you a foster child, offend the baby. I do not hide the adoption from my children and other people, and on the blog I am often asked questions, like Angelina herself from what she knows about adoption. Does it hurt her? Do not offend the daughter in the garden and school? Not teasing? nine0005
Frankly, these questions make me very sad. They confirm that the stereotype is still strong: “adoption = bad, adoptive = bad”.
Do you feel?
I am still surprised that there is a different view of adoption than mine. All my life I have the feeling that I live among kind and adequate people who think and understand. But it’s worth taking a tiny step out of the comfort zone, and you find yourself in some kind of crazy world, where “there are only freaks in orphanages”, where “why do you need someone else’s child”, where “it’s all for the sake of money”, where “these are children b / at". Okay, I'm mature, balanced, strong. I stand firmly on the ground, such words do not hurt me at all. Scary for the kids. I don’t want my fragile yet babies to get in the way of such exotic representatives of the animal world. nine0005
Perhaps the whole crazy adoption mystery is still based on the parents' fear that someone would dare to say such things to their children one day. Or even silently think about them.
..
But I will tell you an important story about Lina.
When she was still in kindergarten, one boy in the group tried to tease her. Like, you're bad, because your mother abandoned you!
I'm sure many now felt a chill on their backs, anger, indignation. I myself, when I found out, took a little breath away. But do you know what my daughter said? nine0005
“You got it wrong - my mother adopted me. She chose me from other different kids, the best one. But your parents had to raise the one who was born to them...”
Here, of course, one can find fault. Say, Lina answered too harshly, and she told a lie - the boy is probably loved by his parents. And I didn't choose my daughter.
But I won't quibble. Because for me, her answer meant that I had coped with the adoption story. Angelina does not believe that a tragedy has happened in her life. And he does not consider himself inferior to others. Vice versa! She is confident in herself and her parents. She is cool, her parents chose and love her - the best! nine0005
After all, what is usually kept secret? Something bad. And adoption is not bad, adoption is good! More precisely, it's okay. It happens. It is very important for me that Lina perceives this whole story as the norm. This has happened to us and to many other families. Somewhere, babies are born to moms and dads, and someone is looking for their children and finds them.
From my own experience I can say one thing: the most important thing is how the adoptive parents themselves relate to adoption. If they feel that the child is “not quite like everyone else”, they slide into pity, do not accept the whole story of the baby, try to silence and forget it - he intuitively believes that he is “not like that”.
And if the parents come from a firm belief that their child is the most wonderful, then he will believe it without a doubt. nine0005
By the way, another confirmation that adoption is good is the celebration of Stork Day. This is the day when the baby appeared in the family. Angelina and I celebrate it on the fifth of December, when we met and signed the consent to adoption. We celebrate in the same way as her birthday - with guests, gifts and a cake. I’ll tell you a secret: the other children of Lina are even a little jealous, because she has not one birthday a year, but two.
Interracial adoption
24.12.2014 21:50
Yes, soon the whole world will be black. Why adopt black children? Why help them? Why buy a new mobile phone every time something is advertised? Why run after other people's husbands, why smoke? Yes, the world is full of idiots. Therefore, there are so many conflicts in it, and the only good news is that the world has been going to hell for a long time, but since it is still alive, then there are chances.
Walk into any decent department of any American university and see how many Chinese girls there are. It seems that the propaganda about how many girls are being killed in China is greatly exaggerated. If in some villages the lower class lives like this, well, this is such a world, someone sniffs glue, you never know what there is in the world, there are a lot of morons. They give birth to children there, like pigs, they buried one, gave birth to another, well, such a layer of society. nine0005
The capitalist system contributes to debilitation, because it is good to spud morons, shake out the loot. They need to adopt blacks... After all, look how they divorced people in / in Ukraine. After all, smart people were lured to the Maidan, again forced to believe in fairy tales and robbed. So far, yes, OK, no one is bombed in Odessa or Kherson, but the money was taken away, everyone was cleaned again. People are losing their jobs, state employees will once again be satisfied with the 1995-96 academic year, when all university professors went to work for free for a year.
They came up with a divorce scheme and divorced suckers, and with adoption. nine0005
It's like brainwashing people into needing a black child. Yes, black is everywhere. In Canada, in every ministry, there are packs of French-speaking Africans who hum in English badly, they are hired ahead of white English-speaking Canadians and paid the hell out of them. Refugees from Somalia are paid for dental treatment and medicines at the expense of the budget, and this is far from being available for all those born in Canada and who have worked all their lives. A white Canadian with a university education has finished working, his pension has not yet come, disability, he has been a teacher all his life, he pays for every tooth, and the Somali garbage dump shoots another baby every year from one place and puts it all on our necks. And adopt them? We pay enough for them. nine0005
It's time to save the white civilization. Asia is another matter. All Russians are mixed with various Asian tribes.
They are capable and active. Although, of course, children fall under adoption when there are terrible genes. In Ukrainian or Russian orphanages, you can at least pay bribes to look for a child of more or less decent origin, an illegitimate child or something like that. A foolish student from the village, drunk with a village fool, made a child, but both of them have parents who don’t plant carrots, but can be quite busy village businessmen, the head cooks grandmothers to make, steal and give bribes, there is no time for a child in a hostel, here they are they don’t know what this fool does in a hostel, but she is 19 years old-20, and she didn’t sniff glue, didn’t use drugs and didn’t leave 5 children in boarding schools. She is young, healthy, her instincts are healthy, since it hit her in the head to give birth.
I taught at a university, there were cases, such a healthy horse that no one knew that she was pregnant, but gave birth to a full-term baby without any special help, only managed to pick up the child.
If I had not read the certificate from the maternity hospital with my own eyes, I would not have believed it. This same what horse health! Without a whip, of course, a lazy cow, but then you need to train the baby on time and keep an eye on it. nine0005
I know firsthand the case when an American couple took 3 children in a Ukrainian orphanage and gave them just a fabulous life, managed to write a book, tell about the whole difficult path, and then one of these children grew up and committed not just a murder, but a terrible and brutal murder. Adopt where you know how to choose something decent in your environment and how to deal with the problems that are there, rather than adopt other mammal species that you know nothing about.
If I needed a child, I would give money to pick him up with the most decent gene pool. Or, if this is America, then the Chinese. I would arrange for him to study 24/7, and he would receive all the scholarships for national minorities from me :) I would not raise my head from the textbook, even if there were Chinese drunks, I would make a Chinese scientist out of him.
And what can be done from an African? Dancer or singer. I don't understand this show business. Basketball player? I hate sports. I would be sick of devoting my life to taking him to sports. They are lazy, love to laugh, sing, dance and do nothing. There are exceptions, of course, but I wouldn't count on that. nine0005
You take a set of genes and put resources into it. How can you invest if you don't even understand how to use them? You have been dealt cards, but what to do with them? You belong to another world. And for what? For another black to settle well in this world? Well this is what the brain of people was beaten off by propaganda. The state needs to pick up trash from the garbage heap, and fools themselves sign up to solve other people's problems. Brrrr... Well, I didn't have any problems with childbearing... In general, can people really have problems with childbearing, who are better off not having children? Nature just didn't take into account that they would solve problems differently.
..
Anonymous
12/24/2014 22:51
In my opinion, I have clearly distinguished between China and Africa. In the absence of white adoption opportunities, China, yes, is an option.
Ethiopia has a huge Jewish community and I understand that you did not plan to adopt Kenyans or Somalis. I have seen many Ethiopians in the US, many of them not much darker than many Jews. Soviet teachers actively taught engineering in Ethiopian universities, so if you dig, you can probably adopt someone whose ancestors studied well and sat at the desk of our associate professors, and not sniffed glue in the trash. Ethiopia is a very different topic than black Africa, although one that needs further study. Or would you take anyone from the garbage heap? And I doubt that you have four children from one husband. More than two usually give birth when a new husband, a new child is needed. And in this case, you already have everything mixed up in the house. nine0005
I have a normal marriage with one husband who, like me, would not have children with just anyone.
Although I admit Asians, beyond the Urals all Russians look Asian, and I also had such ancestors. They have a very high passionarity. I know from my ancestors of this origin, I know that they can study something hungry for 18 hours and be super-duper-excellent students in a Moscow university, where the best were selected anyway, and then they still have the strength to run around theaters and into the forest for mushrooms, they can not sleep, not eat and be the first in everything. These are still the descendants of the Mongols or someone else, go and sort it out. I could study like them, but I didn’t do anything else, I didn’t cook, I didn’t clean, I didn’t go in for sports. And these people can be everywhere non-stop, just give them an order, they will sweep everything in their path. And at 2 o'clock in the morning they will jump on a bicycle and go to a party meeting (under Stalin they often met at night). nine0229 Asians have good genes if given direction, but Slavic beauty is missing.
But why do white people need black people? We must protect our civilization, and not breed this whole muddy daub.
In general, people adopt for various reasons. I would not want to invest the resources that I received as a result of the selection of many generations from my people, and give it to someone completely different, so that they use it for free, and then they also shit on our heads. When in the 80s in the Urals children did not see sausages and sat hungry, in Ukraine they ate right out of their ears, so they have been slandering us about the Holodomor for 23 years, my own child absorbed this nonsense in a Ukrainian school and believes in his Ukrainianness. I have already shared my genes with the Ukrainian people close to me. :(( My own children think they are Ukrainians. completely opposite direction ... and the loss of Slavic beauty is also not particularly threatened by them, so to each his own in the process of breed selection. I wish everyone good luck to everyone on their way.
