How does parents fighting affect a child

What Happens to Kids When Parents Fight

When I was a child, my parents’ fights could suck the oxygen out of a room. My mother verbally lashed my father, smashed jam jars, and made outlandish threats. Her outbursts froze me in my tracks. When my father fled to work, the garage, or the woods, I felt unprotected.

“Children are like emotional Geiger counters,” says E. Mark Cummings, psychologist at Notre Dame University, who, along with colleagues, has published hundreds of papers over twenty years on the subject. Kids pay close attention to their parents’ emotions for information about how safe they are in the family, Cummings says. When parents are destructive, the collateral damage to kids can last a lifetime.

My experience led me to approach marriage and parenthood with more than a little caution. As a developmental psychologist I knew that marital quarrelling was inevitable. According to family therapist Sheri Glucoft Wong, of Berkeley, California, just having children creates more conflicts, even for couples who were doing well before they became parents. “When kids show up, there’s less time to get more done,” she says. “All of a sudden you’re not as patient, not as flexible, and it feels like there’s more at stake.”

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But I also knew that there had to be a better way to handle conflict than the one I grew up with. When my husband and I decided to have children, I resolved never to fight in front of them. “Conflict is a normal part of everyday experience, so it’s not whether parents fight that is important,” says Cummings. “It’s how the conflict is expressed and resolved, and especially how it makes children feel, that has important consequences for children.”

Watching some kinds of conflicts can even be good for kids—when children see their parents resolve difficult problems, Cummings says, they can grow up better off.

What is destructive conflict?

In their book Marital Conflict and Children: An Emotional Security Perspective, Cummings and colleague Patrick Davies at the University of Rochester identify the kinds of destructive tactics that parents use with each other that harm children:

Verbal aggression like name-calling, insults, and threats of abandonment;
Physical aggression like hitting and pushing;
Silent tactics like avoidance, walking out, sulking, or withdrawing;
Capitulation—giving in that might look like a solution but isn’t a true one.

When parents repeatedly use hostile strategies with each other, some children can become distraught, worried, anxious, and hopeless. Others may react outwardly with anger, becoming aggressive and developing behavior problems at home and at school. Children can develop sleep disturbances and health problems like headaches and stomachaches, or they may get sick frequently. Their stress can interfere with their ability to pay attention, which creates learning and academic problems at school. Most children raised in environments of destructive conflict have problems forming healthy, balanced relationships with their peers. Even sibling relationships are adversely affected—they tend to go to extremes, becoming overinvolved and overprotective of each other, or distant and disengaged.

Some research suggests that children as young as six months register their parents’ distress. Studies that follow children over a long period of time show that children who were insecure in kindergarten because of their parents’ conflicts were more likely to have adjustment problems in the seventh grade. A recent study showed that even 19-year-olds remained sensitive to parental conflict. Contrary to what one might hope, “Kids don’t get used to it,” says Cummings.

In a remarkable 20-year-old study of parental conflict and children’s stress, anthropologists Mark Flinn and Barry England analyzed samples of the stress hormone cortisol, taken from children in an entire village on the east coast of the island of Dominica in the Caribbean. Children who lived with parents who constantly quarreled had higher average cortisol levels than children who lived in more peaceful families. As a result, they frequently became tired and ill, they played less, and slept poorly. Overall, children did not ever habituate, or “get used to,” the family stress. In contrast, when children experienced particularly calm or affectionate contact, their cortisol decreased.

More recent studies show that while some children’s cortisol spikes, other children’s cortisol remains abnormally low and blunted, and these different cortisol patterns seem to be associated with different kinds of behavioral problems in middle childhood. Other physiological regulatory systems can become damaged as well, such as the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches of the autonomic nervous system—these help us respond to a perceived threat but are also the “brakes” that rebalance and calm us.

In 2002, researchers Rena Repetti, Shelley Taylor, and Teresa Seeman at UCLA looked at 47 studies that linked children’s experiences in risky family environments to later issues in adulthood. They found that those who grew up in homes with high levels of conflict had more physical health problems, emotional problems, and social problems later in life compared to control groups. As adults, they were more likely to report vascular and immune problems, depression and emotional reactivity, substance dependency, loneliness, and problems with intimacy.

Avoiding conflict is not a solution

Conflict Tips

Courtesy of Sheri Glucoft Wong.

1. Lead with empathy: Open the dialog by first letting the other person know that you see them, you get them, and you can put yourself in their shoes.

2. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt: Assume the best intentions and help yourself remember that you love each other by adding an endearment.

3. Remember that you’re on the same team. Deal with issues by laying all the cards on the table and looking at them together to solve a dilemma rather than digging in on opposing sides. Then problem-solve with one another.

4. Constructive criticism only works when your partner can do something about what happened. If the deadline for soccer signup was already missed, remedy the current situation as best as possible and talk about how to do it better next time. Blaming won’t fix anything that’s already happened.

5. Anything that needs to be said can be said with kindness. Disapproval, disappointment, exasperation—all can be handled better with kindness.

Some parents, knowing how destructive conflict can be, may think that they can avoid affecting their children by giving in, or capitulating, in order to end an argument. But that’s not an effective tactic. “We did a study on that,” Cummings said. According to parents’ records of their fights at home and their children’s reactions, kids’ emotional responses to capitulation are “not positive.” Nonverbal anger and “stonewalling”—refusing to communicate or cooperate—are especially problematic.

“Our studies have shown that the long-term effects of parental withdrawal are actually more disturbing to kids’ adjustment [than open conflict],” says Cummings. Why? “Kids understand hostility,” he explains. “It tells them what’s going on and they can work with that. But when parents withdraw and become emotionally unavailable, kids don’t know what’s going on. They just know things are wrong. We’re seeing over time, that parental withdrawal is actually a worse trajectory for kids. And it’s harder on marital relationships too.”

Kids are sophisticated conflict analysts; the degree to which they detect emotion is much more refined than parents might guess. “When parents go behind closed doors and come out acting like they worked it out, the kids can detect that,” says Cummings. They’ll see you’re pretending. And pretending is actually worse in some ways. As a couple, you can’t resolve a fight you’re not acknowledging you’re having. Kids will know it, you’ll know it, but nothing will be made in terms of progress.”

On the other hand, he says, “When parents go behind closed doors and are not angry when they come out, the kids infer that things are worked out. Kids can tell the difference between a resolution that’s been forced versus one that’s resolved with positive emotion, and it matters.”

How to make conflict work

“Some types of conflicts are not disturbing to kids, and kids actually benefit from it,” says Cummings. When parents have mild to moderate conflict that involves support and compromise and positive emotions, children develop better social skills and self-esteem, enjoy increased emotional security, develop better relationships with parents, do better in school and have fewer psychological problems.

“When kids witness a fight and see the parents resolving it, they’re actually happier than they were before they saw it,” says Cummings. “It reassures kids that parents can work things through. We know this by the feelings they show, what they say, and their behavior—they run off and play. Constructive conflict is associated with better outcomes over time.” Children feel more emotionally secure, their internal resources are freed up for positive developmental growth, and their own pro-social behavior toward others is enhanced. In fact, many child behavior problems can be solved not by focusing on the child, or even the parent-child relationship, but simply by improving the quality of the parents’ relationship alone, which strengthens children’s emotional security.

Even if parents don’t completely resolve the problem but find a partial solution, kids will do fine. In fact, their distress seems to go down in proportion to their parents’ ability to resolve things constructively. “Compromise is best, but we have a whole lot of studies that show that kids benefit from any progress toward resolution,” says Cummings.

Both Cummings and Glucoft Wong agree that children can actually benefit from conflict—if parents manage it well. “Parents should model real life…at its best,” says Glucoft Wong. “Let them overhear how people work things out and negotiate and compromise.”

However, both also agree that some content is best kept private. Discussions about sex or other tender issues are more respectfully conducted without an audience. Glucoft Wong encourages parents to get the help they need to learn to communicate better—from parenting programs, from books, or from a therapist.

My own parents’ conflict no longer has the hold on me that it once did, thanks to careful work and a loving marriage of my own of thirty years. Our two daughters are now in their twenties and secure in their own loving partnerships, and I hope that the lessons of their childhood hold. When they were preschoolers and interrupted our disagreements with concern, my husband and I would smile and reassure them with our special code: I held my fingers an inch apart and reminded them that the fight was this big, but that the love was this big—and I held my arms wide open.

How parents' arguments really affect their children

Published
2 April 2018

Image source, Getty Images

By Prof Gordon Harold

University of Sussex

It is normal for parents to argue, but the way these disagreements affect children varies greatly. What can parents and carers do to limit the harm caused by their rows?

What happens at home really does affect children's long-term mental health and development.

But it is not only the relationship between the parent and child that is important.

How parents get on with each other also plays a big role in a child's wellbeing, with the potential to affect everything from mental health to academic success and future relationships.

But there is the chance for some good to come out of a "positive" row.

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In most cases, arguments will have little or no negative effects for children.

But when parents shout and are angry with each other, when they consistently withdraw or give each other the "silent treatment", problems can sometimes arise.

UK and international research conducted over several decades through observations in the home, long-term follow up work and experimental studies, suggests that from as young as six months, children exposed to conflict may have increased heart rates and stress hormone responses.

Infants, children and adolescents can show signs of disrupted early brain development, sleep disturbance, anxiety, depression, conduct disorder and other serious problems as a result of living with severe or chronic inter-parental conflict.

Image source, PA

Image caption,

Children's academic performance can be affected by exposure to ongoing conflict

Similar effects are also seen in children who are exposed to ongoing but less intense conflict, compared with children whose parents constructively negotiate or resolve conflicts.

Nature or nurture?

The impact on children is not always as might be expected.

For example, divorce - and parents deciding to live apart - has often been seen as having a particularly damaging and lasting effect on many children.

But in some cases, it is now thought that it could be the arguments that take place between parents before, during and after a separation that do the damage, rather than the break-up itself.

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Similarly, it has often been assumed that genetics play a defining role in how children respond to conflict.

And it is true that "nature" is central to a child's mental health - playing a part in problems from anxiety, to depression and psychosis.

Image source, Getty Images

But the home environment and the "nurture" they receive there can also be very significant.

Increasingly, it is thought that underlying genetic risks for poor mental health can be made worse - or better - by family life.

The quality of the relationship between parents appears to be central, whether or not they are living together, or if the children are genetically related to the parents or not - for example, if they were conceived using donor eggs or sperm, or adopted.

Rows about children

What does all of this mean for parents?

First, it is important to recognise that it is perfectly normal for parents and carers to argue or disagree with each other.

However, when parents engage in conflicts with each other that are frequent, intense and not resolved, children do less well.

Even more so if the row is about children, for example where children blame themselves or feel at fault for the arguments.

These negative effects can include sleep disturbance and disrupted early brain development for infants, anxiety and conduct problems for primary school children, and depression and academic problems and other serious issues, such as self-harm, for older children and adolescents.

Image source, Getty Images

Image caption,

Children who feel isolated because of parental conflict can struggle to form relationships

For decades, we have known that domestic abuse and violence can be particularly damaging for the children involved.

But parents don't even need to display volatile or aggressive behaviour towards one another for damage to be done.

Where they become withdrawn, or express low levels of warmth for each other, children's emotional, behavioural and social development is also put at risk.

The problems don't end there.

Not only are children affected in their own lives, but research shows that bad relationships can pass from one generation to the next.

It is a cycle that needs to be broken if we want positive and happy lives for today's generation of children, and the next generation of parents and families.

Arguing in 'private'

But there are factors which can reduce the harm caused.

From the age of about two - and possibly from an even younger age - research tells us that children are astute observers of their parents' behaviour.

They often notice arguments - even when parents think their children don't, or believe they have protected them by arguing in "private".

What matters is how children interpret and understand the causes and potential consequences of conflicts.

Based on their past experience, children decide whether they think conflicts are likely to escalate, potentially involve them, or could even pose a risk to family stability - a particular concern for some young children.

Image source, Getty Images

Image caption,

Boys and girls may react differently to their parents' arguments

They may also worry about the possibility of their relationship with their parents worsening as a result.

Research suggests that boys and girls may also respond differently, with girls at greater risk of emotional problems, and boys at greater risk of behavioural problems.

Often, policies aimed at improving mental health among the young have focussed on supporting the children themselves, or in directly supporting parenting.

But it could be that supporting the relationship between parents could also make a big difference to children in the short term, as well as better equipping them to form their own healthy relationships with others in the future.

Where children have supportive relationships with relatives, siblings, other adults (eg teachers) and friends, these are important for children's long-term healthy development. What happens at home can significantly influence these relationships, for good or ill.

Five top tips for parents

It is natural for parents to feel concerned about the impact their arguments may have on their children.

But it is normal to argue or disagree sometimes, and in fact children respond well when parents explain or resolve - in an appropriate way - what an argument was about.

Indeed, where parents successfully resolve arguments, children can learn important positive lessons which can help them navigate their own emotions and relationships beyond the family circle.

Helping parents understand how their relationships affect children's development sets the stage for healthy children today - and healthy families in the future.

About this piece

This analysis piece was commissioned by the BBC from an expert working for an outside organisation.

Prof Gordon Harold is the Andrew and Virginia Rudd professor of psychology and director, Rudd Centre for Adoption Research and Practice at the University of Sussex.

He recently published a comprehensive review of research in this field in the The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, which you can read online along with a detailed bibliography.

Edited by Jennifer Clarke and Duncan Walker.

How parents' quarrels affect children's health

April 2, 2018

Subscribe to our newsletter "Context": it will help you understand the events.

Image copyright Getty Images

It's okay if parents sometimes argue with each other, but the way they do it affects children differently. How should parents and guardians act to reduce the damage caused by quarreling to children's health?

What happens at home does have a long-term impact on a child's development and mental health. And it is not only the relationship between the child and the parent that is important. nine0005

How parents communicate with each other also plays an important role in a child's well-being and can affect all areas of a child's life, from mental health to academic success and building future relationships.

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When mother or father is an alcoholic: the stories of four British women from each other and stop talking, then the child may have problems. nine0005
Long-term studies in the UK and elsewhere, based on long-term observations of children's behavior in the family and during growing up, show that as early as the age of six months, children during a domestic conflict can increase their heart rate and produce the stress hormone cortisol.

Photo copyright, PA
Photo caption,
Family conflicts also affect a child's learning conditions of deep or chronic family conflict. nine0005
Similar problems are observed in children who live in an environment of periodically flashing, but less pronounced conflict between parents, while those children whose parents can negotiate among themselves and resolve controversial issues have fewer or no such manifestations at all.

Nature or nurture?

However, family quarrels affect children in different ways.

For example, it has always been believed that divorce or the decision of parents to live apart has a particularly detrimental effect on most children. nine0005
However, psychologists now believe that in some cases children are harmed precisely by quarrels that occur between parents before, during and after a divorce, and not by their direct separation.

It was also previously believed that heredity plays a key role in how a child reacts to conflict.

And it is true that the natural factor is the main one in regard to children's mental health; heredity plays a significant role in the occurrence of such responses as anxiety, depression and psychosis. nine0005
Image copyright Getty Images

However, home environment and upbringing are also very important.

Child psychologists are increasingly inclined to believe that the innate predisposition to mental illness can worsen - or, on the contrary, improve - depending on the situation in the family.

And here the quality of the relationship between the parents plays a central role - regardless of whether they live together or apart, and whether they are related to children by blood kinship. nine0005

Fighting over children

What does all this mean for parents?

First, it is important to understand that it is perfectly normal for parents or guardians to argue or disagree with each other.

However, if parents quarrel often, if it happens in a sharp form and the conflict is not resolved quickly, then this affects the children.

And even more so if the quarrel is because of the children, because then the children blame themselves or begin to feel responsible for the quarrel of their parents. nine0005
Adverse effects may manifest as sleep disturbance and mental developmental disturbances in infants; anxiety and behavioral problems in younger students; depression, learning difficulties, and other serious disorders, such as self-harm in high school students and adolescents.

Image copyright, Getty Images
Image caption,
Children often have difficulty communicating with other children because of their parents' quarrels

It has long been known that domestic violence causes the greatest harm to children, but now scientists have come to the conclusion that parents even it is not necessary to show aggression or anger towards each other in order for the damage to their children to be inflicted anyway. nine0005
Children's emotional, behavioral and social development also suffers when parents withdraw into themselves and show little warmth towards each other.

But that's not all.

Bad relationships between parents not only affect children, but - as studies show - negative experiences can be passed on to other generations.

This cycle must be interrupted if we want our children and future generations to have a normal, happy life, scientists say. nine0005

Sneak disputes

There are factors that can reduce the damage caused by family quarrels to children's health.

Research shows that from about the age of two - and possibly even earlier - children begin to closely observe the behavior of their parents.

They often notice a brewing conflict even when their parents think their children can't hear or see anything because they swear "quietly".

What is important here is how children decipher for themselves and understand the reasons for the quarrel and the consequences that it can potentially lead to. nine0005
Based on their previous experiences, children consider whether another fight will escalate into a protracted conflict in which they may also be involved, or whether this may pose a threat to family stability - which may be particularly troubling for some children.

Image copyright, Getty Images
Image caption,
Boys and girls react differently to family conflict

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Children may also worry that their own relationship with their parents will worsen as a result.

Research also shows that boys and girls may react differently to family conflicts: girls may experience emotional problems as a result, while boys may experience behavioral problems. nine0005
Often, measures taken to improve the emotional state of children include assistance directly to the children themselves and only indirectly - to the educational process in the family.

However, the support of parents and their relationships may be the most necessary and important for children in the short term, and in the long term it will better prepare them for healthy relationships in their personal lives.

For normal long-term development, it is very important for a child to receive support from someone close: parents, siblings, friends and other adults such as teachers. What happens in the family can significantly affect these relationships, both for better and for worse. nine0005
It is natural for parents to worry about how their disputes might affect their children. Arguing is normal, and children respond very well when parents explain what was the reason for the disagreement.

In fact, children can learn an important lesson when parents safely resolve their verbal skirmish. This can teach them to better manage their own emotions and relationships outside of the family.

Helping parents understand how their relationships affect their children's development is the foundation for good health today and healthy families in the future. nine0005
This material was commissioned by the BBC with the participation of Professor Gordon Harold, Leading Psychologist and Director of the Research and Practice Center for Adoption. Andrew and Virginia Rudd at the University of Sussex.

Harold is the author of a recently published comprehensive analysis of this issue in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry.

Why is it dangerous to show off a relationship in front of a child? nine0001
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Quarrels of parents: why is it dangerous to sort things out in front of a child?
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It's no secret that parents' quarrels in the presence of a child have a very strong negative impact on the latter. However, such purely theoretical knowledge rarely stops adults from swearing and conflicts in front of a baby. In order to make it easier to stop the flaring quarrel in the future, “I am a parent” offers to understand in more detail and understand what exactly this negative influence is. nine0005
Consequences of quarrels in front of a child.
1. Bad behavior. At the sight of a conflict between parents, the child experiences a storm of negative emotions, such as fear, anger, anxiety. And while the little man does not know how to deal with them. He can show that he is suffering only with the help of screams, whims, stubbornness or disobedience. In a word, he tries in any way possible to attract the attention of his parents so that they help him cope with the emotional storm inside. Therefore, if you are tired of dealing with the child's bad behavior, you need to look from the outside at your own communication with your partner and with others. nine0005
2. Reduced immunity. Every quarrel between parents is stressful for a child, and stress invariably affects the health of anyone, even an adult. If a child is constantly in a stressful situation, the body's immunity decreases and diseases occur, which are commonly called psychosomatic. Therefore, often in conflict families, children are constantly sick.
3. Mental disorders. Under the influence of stress, of course, the psyche of the baby also suffers. Extreme manifestations can be fears, nightmares, stuttering, enuresis (urinary incontinence), nervous tics, or even mental illness. In this case, the consequences may not occur immediately, but years later. Or they may simply not be noticed in time by their parents, who are carried away by "internecine wars." nine0005
4. Manipulative behavior. Some parents, having quarreled in front of the child, feel guilty before him. In an attempt to redeem her, they give gifts, remove bans, or buy sweets. This behavior leads to the emergence of a small manipulator in the family: he understands that he can ask for whatever he wants after a quarrel between his parents.
5. Personal example of behavior in conflict. As you know, children learn by imitating their parents. Constantly observing swearing parents, a child can learn aggressive patterns of behavior in conflict situations. This can be especially acute in adolescence, when negative emotions are spurred on by hormonal surges. And no matter how you convince him that we must respect each other and live peacefully, he will broadcast what you did, and not what you said. Strive to resolve conflicts in a constructive, calm and respectful manner. Then your baby will learn it too, even if not right away. nine0005
6. Difficulties in one's own future family. Imitation of parents is carried over into the future of children. If a child regularly observes family conflicts, it is this “form of communication” that becomes normal for him. And he simply will not have other, more constructive tools for creating warm family relationships. Do you wish your child such a family in the future?
How to minimize these consequences

Of course, it is best if you do not quarrel in front of the child. And in the event of a conflict, you will calmly discuss the situation and come to a joint solution to difficulties. But this is not so easy due to our automatic reactions to what does not suit us in another person. In addition, everyone sometimes has a bad mood, trouble at work, or just tiredness that prevents us from holding back on time. Ideal people do not exist, as well as ideal families in which no one ever quarrels. And if this happens, it immediately raises many questions about the closeness of relations in these families. Therefore, if there is misunderstanding in your family from time to time, this is normal. nine0005
But in order for misunderstandings not to turn into open conflict, it is necessary to share negative emotions and ways of expressing them. Feelings such as anger, irritation, anger or resentment are part of our human nature, they are normal, as well as positive ones. We have the right to experience these feelings, and it is important to accept our own emotions without turning a blind eye to them, without silencing or storing them inside. In addition, we usually cannot control their appearance in response to any situation. At the same time, it is in our power to control their expression. And this is our responsibility to other people - especially to relatives and friends. nine0005
The most important thing is to learn to stop at the moment when irritation or anger boils inside. There are many ways to do this: count to 10 before you say something, fill your mouth with water and not swallow it, give a compliment or gratitude instead of reproach, think: “How will my reaction affect our relationship? Will it make them better or worse? You can choose the one that suits you or come up with your own that will help you. And after the emotions have subsided, in a calm atmosphere and in the absence of a child, it is necessary to discuss the conflict issue, express your feelings (in the form of “I-messages”) and come to a joint decision. nine0005
Of course, such a way to “show things off” is not given immediately. Few of us were shown this positive example as children. But it’s worth learning, because it is this strategy that will allow you to improve family relationships and give your child a happy childhood.

What to do if you still quarreled in front of your child

If you failed to restrain yourself in time and the misunderstanding resulted in a “conversation” in raised tones, it is important to mitigate its consequences for your child. Do your best:
1. Speak and act calmly. Raising your voice will not give credibility to your arguments, and the child can be seriously scared. It's even more about your actions. Yes, by breaking a couple of plates or “dissolving your arms”, you will release your accumulated tension. However, for the baby, this can become a trauma, the consequences of which he will have to deal with all his life.
2. Avoid insults and humiliation. Verbal (verbal) aggression harms the child just as much as physical. Children are very sensitive to the emotions embedded in words. nine0005
  Therefore, even if you do not use swear words, the child will feel your disrespect for mom or dad.
3. Keep the child neutral. In no case do you need to ask his opinion - who is right in your dispute, on whose side he is. And, even more so, to convince that it is you who are right. This is extremely traumatic for the baby, because both of you are relatives and loved ones for him.
It is best to show the child that the conflict is over - that is, after a quarrel in front of him, and make peace. But often that doesn't work either. In this case, after the emotions have subsided, admit your mistake and apologize to the child for having to see this. Once you feel ready, you can calmly explain to your baby what happened, how you felt, and why you had a fight. It is important to emphasize that the child was not at fault for what happened, since young children often think that they themselves are the cause of the negative behavior of their parents. nine0005
It is necessary to explain in words accessible to children's understanding that a quarrel does not mean that someone is to blame or that one is worse than the other, just two people could not agree. It is also important to voice that a quarrel will not lead to a break in relations between mom and dad, that they continue to love each other and their son or daughter.

If the quarrels of the parents, especially with the use of verbal or physical aggression, are of a regular nature, it is necessary to stop and think. It is important to understand the causes of what is happening and correct the situation as soon as possible in order to stop traumatizing the child. It is best to seek the help of a family relations specialist for this, as it can be difficult to break the vicious circle of mutual accusations and reproaches on your own. nine0005
By making efforts to improve your relationship with your spouse, you will not only become calmer and happier yourself, but you will also be able to make your children happier.
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