How do you help a child with anxiety

Supporting A Child With Anxiety | Tips & Advice

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is a feeling of worry or fear that is experienced as a combination of physical sensations, thoughts and feelings.

All children and young people feel worried sometimes, and this is a normal part of growing up. At certain points, such as on their first day of school or before an exam, young people may become more worried, but will soon be able to calm down and feel better.

Anxiety can become a problem when a young person feels stuck in it, or when it feels like an overwhelming, distressing or unmanageable experience. If this kind of worrying goes on for a long time, it can leave a young person feeling exhausted and isolated, and limit the things they feel able to do.

If your child is struggling with anxiety, there are things you can do to help them – including providing emotional support, working on practical strategies together and finding the right professional help if they need it.

What makes young people anxious?

A young person may feel anxious for a number of different reasons, depending on the individual. If your child is feeling unmanageable amounts of worry and fear, this is often a sign that something in their life isn’t right and they need support to work out what the problem is.

The following kinds of things can make some children and young people feel more anxious:

• experiencing lots of change in a short space of time, such as moving house or school
• having responsibilities that are beyond their age and development, for example caring for other people in their family
• being around someone who is very anxious, such as a parent
• struggling at school, including feeling overwhelmed by work, exams or peer groups
• experiencing family stress around things like housing, money and debt
• going through distressing or traumatic experiences in which they do not feel safe, such as being bullied or witnessing or experiencing abuse.

This video by Braive (2m 30s) is a useful way of understanding how stress and anxiety can build up in a person's life.

Symptoms of anxiety

Anxiety tends to affect a young person’s body, thoughts and feelings. They may also behave differently, including turning to certain coping behaviours to try to avoid or manage their anxiety.

Physical symptoms:

• panic attacks, which can include having a racing heart, breathing very quickly, sweating or shaking
• shallow or quick breathing, or feeling unable to breathe
• feeling sick
• dry mouth
• sweating more than usual
• tense muscles
• wobbly legs
• irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), diarrhoea or needing to pee more than usual
• getting very hot

Thoughts and feelings:

• preoccupied by upsetting, scary or negative thoughts
  nervous, on edge, panicky or frightened
• overwhelmed or out of control
• full of dread or an impending sense of doom
• alert to noises, smells or sights
• worrying about being unable to cope with daily things like school, friendships and being in groups or social situations
• worrying so much that it is difficult to concentrate and/or sleep

Coping behaviours:

• withdrawing or isolating themselves – including not wanting to go to school, be in social or group situations, be away from parents or try new things
• repeating certain behaviours, actions or rituals (often called ‘obsessive compulsive behaviours’)
• eating more or less than usual
• self-harming

How to help your child in an anxious moment

When your child is in the middle of a very anxious moment, they may feel frightened, agitated or worried about having a panic attack. The important thing to do in the moment is to help them calm down and feel safe.

These strategies can help:

• Breathe slowly and deeply together.

  You can count slowly to five as you breathe in, and then five as you breathe out. If this is too much, try starting with shorter counts. If it works for them, gradually encourage your child to breathe out for one or two counts longer than they breathe in, as this can help their body relax.

• Sit with them and offer calm physical reassurance.

  Feeling you nearby, or holding your hand or having a cuddle if it’s possible, can be soothing.

• Try using all five senses together.

  Connecting with what they can see, touch, hear, smell and taste can bring them closer to the present moment and reduce the intensity of their anxiety. You might think together about five things they can see, four things they can touch, three things they can hear, two things they can smell and one thing they can taste.

• Reassure them that the anxiety will pass and that they will be okay.

  It can be helpful to describe it as a wave that they can ride or surf until it peaks, breaks and gets smaller.

• Ask them to think of a safe and relaxing place or person in their mind.

  If you haven’t tried this before, agree with them when they’re feeling calm what this place or person is. It could be their bedroom, a grandparent’s house, a favourite place in nature or somewhere they’ve been on holiday. Sometimes holding a memento of a relaxing place, like a seashell or pebble, can help.

• Encourage them to do something that helps them to feel calmer.

  This could be running, walking, listening to music, painting, drawing or colouring-in, writing in a journal, watching a favourite film or reading a favourite book.

Remember that everyone is different, and that over time you and your child can work together to find the things that work best for them in these moments.

How to help your child manage their anxiety

Outside of moments when your child is feeling particularly anxious or panicky, there are things you can do over time to help them manage their anxiety and feel better.

A lot of these strategies are about helping your child to understand themselves and find out what works for them. The more confident they feel about helping themselves when things are hard, the more they will believe in their ability to cope – helping to reduce feelings of panic.

Ask them what it feels like in their mind and body, and what things make them feel that way. It can be tempting to dismiss their worries because you want to reassure them, but it’s important to empathise with their experience and validate their feelings. You can find more tips on our guide to starting a conversation.

This could include a friendship, a relationship with a family member, their schoolwork or a combination of things. Are there changes that could be made at home or school that would make things easier? If your child is worrying about things that are outside of their control, it might help to name together who is responsible for managing the problem – for example, you might say, “worrying about money is the parents’ job”.

Anxiety might make them feel sick or make their heart race. Getting to know these signs can make them less frightening and overwhelming when they happen. It can also empower them to know when to ask for help or to do something to help themselves. 

Your child could try doing exercise, drawing or painting, writing in a journal, watching a favourite film, talking to friends or cooking and baking. These kinds of activities can help them to feel calmer.

Teenagers might like to use a mindfulness or meditation app such as Headspace or Calm. Remember that some people find these activities more helpful than others, so encourage your child to decide what works for them.

It might help your child to write down their worries and put them in a worry box, giving them a physical place where their worries can be ‘held’. Or they might prefer a self-soothe box (see video below), which they can fill with things that help them when they feel anxious – like photos, fidget toys, scented oils and positive quotes. You can find out how to make a worry box by reading our guide for parents.

These are physical exercise, sleeping well, eating healthily, drinking water and spending quality time with loved ones. Regular exercise is particularly important for anxiety because it can help to reduce the symptoms in the body. It doesn’t have to be strenuous – walking or gentle yoga can help.

Reducing or stopping drinking coffee, caffeinated drinks and alcohol can help because these can all trigger the physical symptoms of anxiety.

Even if it’s just for a little while, you can help your child take their mind off their worries by having fun, relaxing and laughing. Activities like playing a sport, sewing or playing musical instruments are great for focusing the mind on the moment. 

Some children and young people with anxiety will need professional and specialist help to feel better. They may benefit from a specific diagnosis or a treatment such as medication or talking therapy. You can find more information about this below.

Young people tell us it helps to...

• find positive activities you enjoy
• think about something you’re looking forward to
• do physical exercise
• learn mindfulness and yoga
• imagine your thoughts leaving your brain and floating off into the sky
• keep yourself occupied
• have time out
• reflect on how you’re feeling
• talk to other people you trust
• remind yourself you’re not alone – odds are someone in your friendship circle has anxiety or depression too

Finding professional help

It’s a good idea to seek professional support if self-help strategies are not making the situation better and anxiety is affecting your child’s life - for example if they are feeling persistently anxious, often having distressing thoughts, or avoiding things like going outside or speaking to others.

There are different places where you can find help for your child. Your GP, your child's school and considering whether counselling or therapy might help are good places to start. 

You can find out more about speaking to GPs, finding a counsellor or therapist, accessing Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS), getting help from your child’s school and finding local services on our guide to getting help for your child.

The type of support or treatment offered will depend on your child’s age and the kind of anxiety they are experiencing. Talking therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help your child to understand the thoughts and feelings behind their anxiety and find practical strategies to help them cope. You can find out more about different types of talking therapies on our guide to counselling and therapy.

Medication may be offered if your child’s anxiety is very difficult to manage or talking therapy has not helped. Medication should be suggested alongside talking therapies or another psychological treatment, and by a doctor who specialises in children’s mental health. Read our medication guide to find out more about the different types of medication your child might be offered.

You can find out more about speaking to GPs, finding a counsellor or therapist, accessing CAMHS, getting help from your child’s school and finding local services on our guide to getting help for your child.

You might also find helpful...

Where to get further support

Useful helplines and websites

While we take care to ensure that the organisations we signpost to provide high quality information and advice, we cannot take responsibility for any specific pieces of advice they may offer. We encourage parents and carers to always explore the website of a linked service or organisation to understand who they are and what support they offer before engaging with them.

How to Cope With an Anxious Child

When children are chronically anxious, even the most well-meaning parents, not wanting a child to suffer, can actually make the youngster’s anxiety worse. It happens when parents try to protect kids from their fears. Here are pointers for helping children escape the cycle of anxiety.

1. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety, but to help a child manage it.

None of us wants to see a child unhappy, but the best way to help kids overcome anxiety isn’t to try to remove stressors that trigger it. It’s to help them learn to tolerate their anxiety and function as well as they can, even when they’re anxious. And as a byproduct of that, the anxiety will decrease over time.

2. Don’t avoid things just because they make a child anxious.

Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of will make them feel better in the short term, but it reinforces the anxiety over the long run. Let’s say a child in an uncomfortable situation gets upset and starts to cry — not to be manipulative, but just because that’s how they feel. If their parents whisk them out of there, or remove the thing they’re afraid of, the child has learned that coping mechanism. And that cycle has the potential to repeat itself.

3. Express positive — but realistic — expectations.

You can’t promise a child that their fears are unrealistic—that they won’t fail a test, that they’ll have fun ice skating, or that another child won’t laugh at them during show & tell. But you can express confidence that they’re going to be okay, that they will be able to manage it. And you can let them know that as they face those fears, the anxiety level will drop over time. This gives them confidence that your expectations are realistic, and that you’re not going to ask them to do something they can’t handle.

4. Respect their feelings, but don’t empower them.

It’s important to understand that validation doesn’t always mean agreement. So if a child is terrified about going to the doctor because they’re due for a shot, you don’t want to belittle those fears, but you also don’t want to amplify them. You want to listen and be empathetic, help them understand what they’re anxious about, and encourage them to feel that they can face their fears. The message you want to send is, “I know you’re scared, and that’s okay, and I’m here, and I’m going to help you get through this.”

5. Don’t ask leading questions.

Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, but try not to ask leading questions— “Are you anxious about the big test? Are you worried about the science fair?” To avoid feeding the cycle of anxiety, just ask open-ended questions: “How are you feeling about the science fair?”

What you don’t want to do is be saying, with your tone of voice or body language: “Maybe this is something that you should be afraid of.” Let’s say a child has had a negative experience with a dog. Next time they’re around a dog, you might be anxious about how they will respond, and you might unintentionally send a message that they should, indeed, be worried.

7. Encourage the child to tolerate their anxiety.

Let your child know that you appreciate the work it takes to tolerate anxiety in order to do what they want or need to do. It’s really encouraging them to engage in life and to let the anxiety take its natural curve. We call it the “habituation curve.” That means that it will drop over time as he continues to have contact with the stressor. It might not drop to zero, it might not drop as quickly as you would like, but that’s how we get over our fears.

8. Try to keep the anticipatory period short.

When we’re afraid of something, the hardest time is really before we do it. So another rule of thumb for parents is to really try to eliminate or reduce the anticipatory period. If a child is nervous about going to a doctor’s appointment, you don’t want to launch into a discussion about it two hours before you go; that’s likely to get your child more keyed up. So just try to shorten that period to a minimum.

9. Think things through with the child.

Sometimes it helps to talk through what would happen if a child’s fear came true—how would they handle it? A child who’s anxious about separating from their parents might worry about what would happen if a parent didn’t come to pick them up. So we talk about that. If your mom doesn’t come at the end of soccer practice, what would you do? “Well I would tell the coach my mom’s not here.” And what do you think the coach would do? “Well he would call my mom. Or he would wait with me.” A child who’s afraid that a stranger might be sent to pick them up can have a code word from their parents that anyone they sent would know. For some kids, having a plan can reduce the uncertainty in a healthy, effective way.

10. Try to model healthy ways of handling anxiety.

There are multiple ways you can help kids handle anxiety by letting them see how you cope with anxiety yourself. Kids are perceptive, and they’re going to take it in if you keep complaining on the phone to a friend that you can’t handle the stress or the anxiety. I’m not saying to pretend that you don’t have stress and anxiety, but let kids hear or see you managing it calmly, tolerating it, feeling good about getting through it.

Video Resources for Kids

Teach your kids mental health skills with video resources from The California Healthy Minds, Thriving Kids Project.

Start Watching

How to recognize anxiety in a child and help him cope with this condition?

The main task of parents is to protect not only the physical condition of their child, but also his emotional health.

Euromed Kids neuropsychologist Elena Vladimirovna Loseva told how parents can help a child cope with anxiety.

Anxiety is a negative emotion that expresses a feeling of uncertainty, the expectation of negative events. nine0003

At the same time, it can be associated with the expectation and anticipation of unpleasant experiences or danger, even if everything around is good and safe.

Here are the most common symptoms:

• Constant restlessness.
• Difficulty or sometimes inability to concentrate on anything
• Muscle tension (eg, in the face, neck). nine0026
• Irritability.
• Behavior change.
• Sleep disorders.

A child's anxiety largely depends on the level of anxiety of the adults around him.

The child "reads" the anxiety of the parents, even when they themselves do not notice it or try to hide it. He becomes overly responsible, for example, very worried about his results in school.

You can make an appointment for a consultation by calling +7 812 331 00 00 or online on the website. nine0006

Children's anxiety. How to help an anxious child? | "Four leaf clover"

Child anxiety

Anxiety is commonly referred to as an increased tendency to experience apprehension and worry. In some situations, anxiety is justified and even useful: it mobilizes a person, allows you to avoid danger or solve a problem. This is the so-called situational anxiety. But sometimes anxiety accompanies a person in all life circumstances, even objectively favorable ones. That is, it becomes a stable personality trait. Such a person experiences constant unaccountable fear, an indefinite sense of threat. Any event is perceived as unfavorable and dangerous. nine0087

An anxious child is constantly depressed, on guard, it is difficult for him to establish contact with others, the world is perceived as frightening and hostile.

An anxious child is constantly depressed, on guard, it is difficult for him to establish contact with others, the world is perceived as frightening and hostile. Low self-esteem and a gloomy look at the future are constantly fixed. nine0003

Signs of anxiety:

• The child cannot work for a long time without getting tired
• He has difficulty concentrating on something
• Any occupation causes unnecessary anxiety
• During the performance of the task is very tense, constrained
• Embarrassed more often than others
• Often talks about stressful situations
• Blushing in unfamiliar surroundings
• Complains about having nightmares
• His hands are usually cold and damp
• He often has stool disorder
• Sweats profusely when excited
• Does not have a good appetite
• Sleeps restlessly, falls asleep with difficulty
• Shy, many things cause him fear
• Usually restless, easily upset
• Often unable to hold back tears
• Does not tolerate waiting well
• Doesn't like to take on new business
• Not confident in himself and his abilities
• Afraid to face difficulties

Preschool anxiety
It is often difficult for parents to understand why their child may be worried. Well, what problems can there be at his age: dressed, well-fed, the yard is full of friends, a lot of toys, loving relatives ?! nine0087 However, the presence of childhood anxiety problems signals that in the life of a small person, not everything is as smooth as it seems to adults. This condition should never be ignored. In addition, it doesn’t matter if you have a son or a daughter, at this age anxiety does not depend on the child’s gender.

Anxiety is inherent in a person, regardless of age. In children from 1 to 3 years of age, the most common fears are caused by sharp loud sounds, sudden pain, for example, during vaccinations, and as a result, a negative reaction to doctors. In the age range from 3 to 5 years, anxiety in preschoolers often manifests itself in the form of fears such as fear of the dark, closed space, and loneliness. At the age of 5 to 7 years, fear of death is often added. If you notice anxiety in your child, in no case should you let this problem go by itself. nine0003

In the age range from 3 to 5 years, anxiety in preschoolers often manifests itself in the form of such fears as fear of the dark, closed space, loneliness. At the age of 5 to 7 years, fear of death is often added.

School anxiety
The age from 7 to 11 years can become very difficult. At this time, the child's life changes, he becomes an adult, he is entrusted with the mission of studying well, behaving correctly, being better, diligent, smarter than his peers. nine0003

Usually, anxiety manifests itself 1.5 months after the start of the school year, it is in connection with this that schoolchildren need rest - holidays from 1 to 1.5 weeks.

Usually, anxiety manifests itself 1.5 months after the start of the school year, it is in connection with this that schoolchildren need rest - holidays from 1 to 1.5 weeks.

Sometimes anxiety is related to more serious problems. So, with the help of a professional psychologist at the Four-Leaf Clover Clinic of Restorative Psychology, a child can be diagnosed with a mental disorder, neurosis at an early stage. nine0003

Where does increased anxiety come from?

1. If there is a constant anxious and suspicious atmosphere in the house. If the parents themselves are constantly afraid of something and worry about something. This condition is very contagious, the child adopts from adults an unhealthy form of reaction to everything, even to ordinary life events.
   
2. If the child lacks information (or uses incorrect information). Try to keep track of what he reads, what programs he watches, what emotions he experiences. It is sometimes difficult for adults to understand how children interpret this or that event. nine0087
3. Anxious children can grow up not only with anxious parents. The authoritarian style of parenting in the family also does not contribute to the inner peace of the child.
   

Parents who do not doubt and do not worry know exactly what and how to achieve in life. And most importantly - what they want to achieve from their child. Such a child must constantly live up to the high expectations of adults. He is in a situation of constant and intense expectation: he managed or failed to please his parents. It is especially difficult for a child if the demands and reactions of adults are unpredictable and inconsistent. nine0003

A child's internal conflict can be caused by:

• Contradictory demands made by parents or parents and the school (kindergarten). For example, parents do not let their child go to school because they feel unwell, and the teacher puts a “deuce” in a journal and scolds him for skipping a lesson in the presence of other children.
  
• Inadequate requirements, most often overstated. For example, parents repeatedly repeat to the child that he must certainly be an excellent student, they cannot come to terms with the fact that the child receives at school not only "five" and is not the best student in the class. nine0087
• Negative demands that humiliate the child, put him in a dependent position. For example, a caregiver or teacher says to a child: “If you tell me who behaved badly in my absence, I won’t tell my mother that you got into a fight.”
  

Experts believe that in preschool and younger preschool age boys are more anxious, and after 12 years - girls. At the same time, girls are more worried about relationships with other people, and boys are more worried about violence and punishment. nine0087
Having committed some “unseemly” act, the girls worry that their mother or teacher will think badly of them, and their girlfriends will refuse to be friends with them. In the same situation, boys are likely to be afraid that they will be punished by adults or beaten by their peers.

How to help an anxious child?

• Raise the child's self-esteem
  

To achieve success in this matter, it is necessary that an adult himself see the dignity of the child, treat him with respect (and not just with love) and be able to notice all his successes, even the smallest ones. nine0003

• Teaching a child to manage their behavior
  

It is necessary to teach the ability to manage oneself in situations that cause the greatest anxiety in the child

• Teach the child to relax
  

It is important for all children to be able to relax, but for anxious children it is simply a necessity, because the state of anxiety is accompanied by a clamping of different muscle groups.
It is very useful for such a child to attend group psycho-corrective classes - after consultation with a psychologist. The topic of childhood anxiety is well developed in psychology, and usually the effect of such activities is palpable. nine0003

Prevention of anxiety. Recommendations to parents.

• Communicating with your child, do not undermine the authority of other significant people.
  

For example, you can’t say to a child: “Your teachers understand a lot, better listen to your grandmother!”.
Be consistent in your actions, do not forbid the child for no reason what was allowed before.

• Consider children's abilities, do not demand from them what they cannot do. nine0026

If a child is given some kind of educational Subject with difficulty, it is better to once again help him and provide support, and when even the slightest success is achieved, do not forget to praise him.

• Trust your child, be honest with him and accept him for who he is.
  

If for some objective reasons it is difficult for a child to study, choose a circle for him to his liking so that classes in it bring joy to the child and he does not feel disadvantaged. nine0003

If parents are not satisfied with the behavior and success of their child, this is not a reason to deny him love and support. Let your child live in an atmosphere of warmth and trust, and then all his many talents will manifest.

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