How do you deal with a child that lies

Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do to Stop It

Call them fibs, whoppers or straight-up untruths: However you label them, kids are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn’t possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework.

Sometimes the onset of lying is sudden and intense, reports Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. “It’s a new thing where they were pretty truthful most of the time before and then suddenly they’re lying about a lot of stuff,” he says. This, of course, is concerning to parents. But if caregivers can understand why kids lie and be prepared to deal with the issue, the truth can come out.

 Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don’t want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why kids might not tell the truth — or at least the whole truth.

To test out a new behavior

Dr. Rouse says one reason children lie is because they’ve discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. “They’ll wonder, what happens if I lie about this situation?” he says. “What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?’”

To enhance self-esteem and gain approval

Children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others.  Dr. Rouse recalls treating an eighth-grader who was exaggerating wildly about 80 percent of the time: “They were kind of incredible experiences that weren’t within the bounds of plausible at all.” For instance, the boy would say he’d gone to a party and everyone had started to chant for him when he came in the door.

To get the focus off themselves

Children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them, Dr. Rouse notes. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like “No, no I slept fine last night” because they don’t want people worrying about them.

Speaking before they think

Carol Brady, PhD, a clinical psychologist and regular columnist for ADDitude magazine who works with a lot of kids with ADHD, says they may lie out of impulsivity. “One of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think,” she says, “so a lot of times you’re going to get this lying issue.”

Sometimes kids can really believe they’ve done something and tell what sounds like a lie, Dr. Brady adds. “Sometimes they’ll really just forget. I have kids who say, ‘To tell you the truth, Dr. Brady, I thought I did my homework. I really thought I did. I didn’t remember I had that extra work.’” When this happens, she says, they need help supplementing their memory by using techniques such as checklists, time limits and organizers.

And then there are white lies

Just to make things even trickier, in certain situations parents might actually encourage children to tell a white lie in order to spare someone’s feelings. In this case, the white lie and when to use it fall under the umbrella of social skills.

Both Dr. Rouse and Dr. Brady say it’s first important to think about the function of the lie. “When I’m doing an evaluation, there are questions on our intake forms where parents can check off whether the child lies,” Dr. Rouse says. “It’s something I might spend 20 minutes delving into. What kinds of lies, what are the circumstances of the lies?” He says behavioral treatments depend on the function of the lies and the severity of the problem. “There are no hard and fast guidelines,” he says. “Different levels mean different repercussions.”

Level 1 lie

When it comes to attention-seeking lying, Dr. Rouse says that, generally speaking, it’s best to ignore it. Rather than saying harshly, “That’s a lie. I know that didn’t happen to you,” he suggests a gentle approach where parents don’t necessarily have a consequence but they’re also not trying to feed it a lot of attention.

This is especially true if the lying is coming from place of low self-esteem. “So if they’re saying, ‘I scored 10 goals today at recess in soccer and everybody put me on their shoulders and it was amazing’ and you think it’s not true, then I would say don’t ask a bunch of follow-up questions.” For these kind of low-level lies that aren’t really hurting anyone but aren’t good behavior, ignoring and redirecting to something that you know is more factual is the way to go.

Level 2 lie

If that doesn’t work, Dr. Rouse says, parents can be more transparent about it by offering a mild reprimand. “I’ve had situations where it’s an inflated kind of fantastical type of lie,” he says. “I’ll have parents label it and call it a tall tale. If the child is telling one of these stories, a parent will gently say, ‘Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?’ ” It’s about pointing out the behavior and encouraging kids to try again.

Level 3 lie

If something is more serious, like older kids lying about where they’ve been or whether they’ve done their homework, parents can think about having a consequence. Kids should be clear that there will be repercussions for this kind of lie, so it’s not coming out of the blue. Like all consequences, Dr. Rouse recommends it should be something short-lived, not overblown, which gives the child a chance to get back to practicing better behaviors. Some examples: losing her phone for an hour or having to do a chore

Also, depending on the severity, there also has to be a component of addressing what they were lying about. If a child has said he didn’t have any homework all week and then the parent finds out he had homework every day, there needs to be some kind of consequence for the lying and he also has to sit down and do all the work. If he’s hit another child and lied about it, there’s a consequence for the lying and also for hitting. In this case, Dr. Rouse says, you would also have him write an apology letter to the other child.

Let them know the truth reduces consequences

For instance, if teens have been drinking at a party, the parent will want them to call to be picked up. But kids know there also has to be a consequence for the drinking. “There’s a hard balance to strike between having the open dialogue but also setting appropriate limits when necessary,” Dr. Rouse says.

In this situation, where lying would have been easier, when parents are doling out the consequence they can also praise the child for telling the truth and tell them it makes them more trustworthy. They might also reduce the consequence, such as letting kids know they’re taking their phone away for a day instead of a week.

Dr. Rouse adds one caveat: Children and teens should not think consequences are negotiable. “Sometimes the kid will say, ‘But I told you the truth,’” he says. “They’ll get manipulative, saying, ‘This is just making me want to never tell the truth again.’” Parents shouldn’t give in at that point.

Use truth checks

Let’s say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn’t do her homework. Dr. Brady suggests that they give their kid a chance to tell the truth. If she doesn’t at first, the parents could say, “I’m going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I’m going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it’s just a truth check and you won’t get in trouble.”

This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because she’s scared of consequences or she doesn’t want to disappoint a parent, she has the chance to really think about whether she wants to lie or fess up without the consequences. Dr. Brady notes that this technique isn’t for a child who chronically lies.

Use the preamble method

Parents can also set up kids to tell the truth by reminding them that they don’t expect perfection, Dr. Brady notes. Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.

Give kids with ADHD more time to think

Dr. Brady says kids with ADHD, who are prone to giving impulsive answers that come out as lies, need some extra time to think things through before speaking. Impulsivity can be a problem both at home and in school, when a teacher asks if a child has finished an assignment and the child answers yes without even looking at his paper. That’s when he needs to be taught to slow down and check his work.

Don’t ever corner your child

Putting a child on the spot can set him up to lie. If parents know the true story, Dr. Brady recommends, they should go right to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking a child if he didn’t do his homework a parent could just say, “I know you didn’t do it. Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea.”

Don’t label your child a liar

It’s a big mistake to call a child a liar, Dr Brady argues. The wound it creates is bigger than dealing with what he lied about in the first place. He thinks, “Mom won’t believe me.” It makes him feel bad about himself and may set up a pattern of lying.

Frequently Asked Questions

Children lie for several reasons, such as testing out a new behavior or gaining approval. Children who lack confidence may tell lies to make themselves seem more impressive to their peers. Children with anxiety or depression might lie about how they’re feeling so their parents don’t worry about them. Children with ADHD may lie out of impulsivity, speaking before they think.

To deal with a lying child, you can give them a chance to tell the truth, praise them when they do, and remind them that perfection isn’t expected. Parents can give children with ADHD more time to think things through before speaking, as they tend to speak impulsively.

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5 Tips to Handle When Your Child Lies

Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors

In this Article

• Advantages and Disadvantages of Your Child Lying

Kids lie for many reasons. They may want to avoid a consequence or say what comes to mind even if it’s not true. Children may start lying suddenly. This can be shocking for parents who have dealt with an honest child until now. Knowing why your child is lying and how to talk to them can help stop this behavior.  

Understanding why children start lying can help you treat the underlying reason. Children typically lie for four reasons. 

1. They may not know better. 
2. They may know it’s wrong to lie but have a stronger desire to accomplish something else. 
3. They may say what pops in their head without filtering. 
4. They may try to mislead an adult because they have negative feelings towards them. 

Determine how serious your child's lies are. Depending on your child’s age, there may be different intentions behind their lying. A young child may tell tall tales which isn’t always a problem. An older child may lie about their behavior. This secret keeping could lead to serious behavioral problems as an adult. 

Correct lying behavior. You should not punish or corner your child when they’re caught in a lie. This can lead to more serious lies or resentment. Instead, remain calm and explain to them why lying is wrong. You can also provide them with facts. Then encourage them to tell you the story again but truthfully. 

How to handle your child lying. Don’t scold or yell at them when you catch them in a lie. You’ll want to keep communication honest and comfortable between you and your child. The following steps will help you handle your child’s lies:

1. View lies as skill-building. As your child gets older, they’ll test what they can get away with. This is how they learn consequences. 
2. Respond to lies with facts. Especially when dealing with children under the age of three, let them know that there are facts. Lay out evidence that contradicts their lies. 
3. Help them find a way to deal with certain behaviors. If you catch your child in a lie, let them know that they can tell you the truth. 
4. If they see you lie, they’ll lie. Your child will watch how you respond to things, and if you’re lying, they will think they can too. 
5. Let older children know there are times when small lies can be okay. Then teach them the moral consequences of bigger lies. Let them see how you’ve been caught in lies and let it be a learning experience for them. 

You should be concerned when your child lies frequently. If your child’s lying is paired with other concerning behavior, they may have psychological problems. A child that lies and doesn’t have friends can also be a concern. They may feel isolated and lonely. If your child lies and shows no signs of remorse or guilt, they might have underlying issues as well.

By age three, your child may already understand what lying is. Children often start lying to cover up actions they know are wrong. But lying can also signify cognitive and social understanding. Advantages of your child lying include: 

• Cognitive ability. It takes cognitive skills to regulate their actions, plan their lies, and strategize when they lie. Lying is a problematic behavior, but it could be your child’s way of developing their thoughts and actions.  
• Controlling their thoughts. Your child will need to go against what they’re trained to think to maintain a lie. This shows that some children can hold conflicting thoughts in their minds and control which action they talk about. 
• That doesn’t mean they have a lack of morals. Just because lying is bad, doesn’t mean your child is. Some studies have shown that there is little to no relationship between children’s lying behavior and moral understanding. 

Disadvantages include:

• Lying because they’re stressed. Your child may lie because they feel a lot of pressure to act a certain way. They may be feeling pressure from their parents. This could lead to low self-esteem and frequent lying to avoid the truth. 
• Unable to explain their actions. Your child may not understand that what they are doing is wrong. If they don’t know their behavior is bad, they continue to lie about their actions. They may not have the cognitive ability to understand why they’re lying.  
• Used to get attention. If your child feels neglected, they may come up with lies to get your attention. This may be a coping mechanism for not getting the praise that they want. This is a behavioral problem that can be addressed. 

How Parents Respond to a Child's Lies - Child Development

Think about times in your life when you have lied and why you did so. Are you afraid of what will happen if you tell the truth? Worried about the reactions of the people around you? Didn't want to get in trouble? Or were you just embarrassed? Perhaps you thought it would be easier to hide the truth than deal with its consequences? Did you feel that your interlocutor was not ready to hear the truth? Or were you lying simply because you yourself did not yet know the truth? Or maybe you just really wanted to wishful thinking? nine0003

Whatever the reason, be mindful of your difficult path to the truth when, in building trustworthy relationships with your children, you are faced with a choice of how to respond to their just-spoken lies and how to encourage them to seek and tell the truth.

When parents discover that their children are lying, they usually experience great surprise, confusion, sometimes skepticism, bewilderment, irritation or anger, and their emotional response is often based on sadness. We intuitively know that the truth is the key to establishing and developing trusting relationships. We know that without the truth, we will find ourselves on an ambiguous and slippery slope. Without the truth, it becomes more and more difficult to recognize and trust each other, as lies are an obstacle to intimacy and close connection with a loved one. nine0003

So what should parents do when they discover a child's lies? How to deal with it, prevent, cure and correct? The following article presents thirteen ways parents can prevent and respond to their children's lies.

1. Recognize what is behind the lies. One of the most profound shifts in how we think about and interact with children occurs when we realize that there is a grain of rationality, real meaning, in their words and actions. This "meaning" is not necessarily present in their reasoning, logic, or clear communication. But the actions of children are always due to a certain reason. They never do anything for nothing. Their actions are always meaningful. Therefore, the task and responsibility of adults is to reveal the true reason, to understand their children more deeply, to hear better and find out what the “meaning” of their actions is. While they are learning our language, we must learn their language. That is, in the context of this article, we need to understand what exactly they say when they lie. This also includes communication with the child. When we hear the real context, veiled as a lie, we learn more of the tools needed to respond more intelligently. nine0003

2. Consider the child's developmental stage. We (adults and children alike) consistently pass through different ages and age stages. As we grow and develop, so do our understanding and appreciation of fantasy, fiction, and reality. So, when you're dealing with a child who you think is lying, it's important to consider their level of development. When a three-year-old boy says: “My grandmother is very, very old, she is 200 years old! She will die soon, ”he is not lying, he simply expresses his subjective opinion and impressions, which he may have absorbed, observing the reaction of others to his words. Or when a four-year-old girl categorically insists that she "really saw something magical behind that rock over there," she is playing, trying to define the line between fiction and reality. On the other hand, when an eight-year-old denies playing on his tablet when he was supposed to finish his homework, he is well aware of the difference between what actually happened and what he is reporting. Different developmental stages require different adult responses. nine0003

3. Pay attention to all the many ways your child expresses himself, not just his words. We can only be honest with other people to the extent that we are honest with ourselves. Therefore, the child's ability to be honest is related to the level of his self-awareness and self-knowledge. In response to your question "How are you, how was your day?" your son may say, "I'm fine" or "Fine," but he won't do it to deceive you or hide the events that really happened, but because his feelings are too complex and confusing for him to be able to express them in words. He doesn't really know for sure how he feels, so "great" might be the best answer he can think of at the moment. This is another reason why it is so important to pay attention to the many ways in which a child tries to convey the truth - facial expressions, facial expressions, gestures, body postures, drawings, music, energy, etc.

4. Connecting with the child is the first priority of parents. Communication is the necessary basis for telling the truth, it is the soil from which honesty grows. A child who feels a deep connection with his parents wants to share with them everything that lies on his heart. He wants and even feels the need to share his thoughts and experiences. Communication is the strongest, most reliable preventive measure against lies. Make time for her. Do not compromise in matters of building and maintaining a connection, a warm personal affection. nine0003

5. Back up words with deeds. Show honesty by example. Children learn mainly by repeating after adults. Experts say, “Don't worry about kids never listening to you. Worry about them always watching you." Therefore, pay attention to the correspondence of your words to actions. When you promise a child, "I'll be back in a few minutes," how accurate is your statement? Do your words match your actions? Try to be consistent in your honesty and precise in your words. If, for example, your son asks you to attend his football game over the weekend and you're not sure if you can fulfill his request, say something like "I'll try to make it on time" or "Please remind me of this later so we can planned my trip”, do not limit yourself to the formal “Of course”. Treat what you say as something sacred and try to speak wisely and farsightedly. nine0003

6. From the age of about six or seven, teach your child that freedom goes hand in hand with responsibility. The natural process of growing up involves an increase in the degree of freedom, as well as an increase in the level of responsibility. A growing child should know that when he abuses his increasing freedom of speech (misleads or offends other people), the natural consequences come: he becomes less trusted, and over time this can negatively affect him and his quality of life. When you catch a child in a lie, talk to him about ways he can improve. How can he gain your trust again? Find ways to repair "burnt bridges". And if you yourself lied to the child, by all means apologize, take responsibility for your act and also try to correct yourself. Clearly explain to your child that initially everyone is trustworthy, but as a person matures, he must earn the privilege of having the trust of others and then carefully maintain it. nine0003

7. Become a safe haven, a friendly receptacle for any information. This does not mean that you have to agree with everything your child tells you. This means that if your child feels that you are closed off, critical, worried, or perhaps overreacting to a particular issue, he can easily refuse to tell you what is on his mind right now. One of the best ways to ensure that your child will always tell you about what is happening in his life is to notice those moments when you yourself freeze and freeze, perceiving this or that topic in confusion, and fight these feelings. Feel free to face unpleasant topics, "unfreeze" yourself - whether it is questions of sexuality, money, power, religion or any area of ​​\u200b\u200blife where you feel uncomfortable. This requires constant work, which must begin immediately. nine0003

Many mothers are frightened and paralyzed by unexpected sexual questions from their teenage daughters. In this case, if you feel numb and unable to clearly answer the question posed, just say: “Daughter, give me some time, and then I will listen to everything you want to tell me and what you want to ask. ” Take a few deep breaths, remember your promise to be open to talking to your child about anything, and then give your daughter your full attention. Rejoice in your connection with your daughter and knowing her interests and do not protect yourself from the feelings that a difficult topic of conversation brings. The proverb "The truth sets you free..." is universal for both mother and child. The more we liberate ourselves, the freer we become. nine0003

8. Teach children the value of telling the truth. Instilling moral values ​​is a huge part of education. If you do not do this, someone else will pass on your values ​​to the child instead of you - peers, the media, the Internet, society as a whole. So how do you feel about the truth? Talk openly and confidentially with your child, tell him about the inviolability of the word and the value of agreements. Every word means something, and we rely on words to learn about what's going on in each other's lives. Deals and agreements are sacred, they matter, and they must be treated with respect (unless you have reached new agreements or an exceptional situation has arisen). We must trust each other's words, otherwise it is very difficult to trust at all. Teach your children how much easier it is to always tell the truth. As Walter Scott astutely remarked: "Oh, what a complex web we weave when we deceive for the first time." This is a web in which we ourselves quickly become entangled and lost. Point the children to this argument and help them recognize the liberating, relieving effect and good that comes with truth. nine0003

9. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Tell the children that you rely on them and hope they are telling the truth. You depend on their willingness to share. Of course, you can guess a lot, but in fact only they can tell or not tell you the truth. Building trust between you requires a collaborative effort. Ask for forgiveness for any manifestation of your own dishonesty. Think of it as a shared journey of dear truth.

10. Realize that there is Truth and there is subjective truth. nine0012 We are constantly confronted with the latter and react as if we are dealing with an indisputable truth. If you think about what you deeply and truly believe to be the truth - without any doubt, for example, "Love is tenderness", your list will most likely not be very long. Understanding this does not make everything else relative, but puts any statement in context and helps you to understand at any moment that what you perceive as a lie may actually be just another subjective truth. And that there can be several subjective "truths". So, when you are not sure if a child is telling the truth, do not rush to conclusions and accusations. Understand first. Try to find out what "meaning" he puts into his words and why he does it. nine0003

11. Find time and place to listen to your child... small and big problems. Sometimes words don't come, and sometimes it's easier to talk while walking side by side rather than sitting across from each other... Find out what situation is best for the child to start sharing with you, and take the time to find what you need to talk space.