How do i handle a defiant child

How to Parent a Defiant Child

All parents deal with defiance at some point in their children’s lives. However, some children are persistently more defiant than others. As frustrating as this may be, there are ways to reduce your household stress. Here are some tips for parenting a defiant child.

Look for Underlying Issues

Defiance can stem from a number of circumstances. For some children, being defiant is a way to get attention or take control over their lives. Other children become defiant because of hormonal changes and other developmental struggles. In some instances though, the defiance is the result of an underlying issue, such as a learning disability, autism, oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), childhood depression, trauma, grief, or other conditions.

Try to look for the root cause of the defiance. When did this behavior start, and what sparked it? At Oakland Psychological Clinic, we provide psychological testing services to address some of these questions. If your child has an underlying condition, we can provide a definitive diagnosis. Then you can seek treatment that may resolve the defiance issues.

Take a Break before Assigning a Punishment

When responding to defiant behavior, do not punish in the moment. Instead, tell your child that you are disappointed and will discuss the consequences later. This gives you time to calm down and your child time to think over his actions. If you respond in the moment, you may react in a combative manner. That will only fuel the defiant behavior.

Be Consistent with Disciplinary Strategies

If you say no, mean it. Consistency is crucial for all parenting strategies. If your child knows you will eventually say yes, he will continue to pester you or act out. Grounded for two weeks? Then two weeks it is. No video games after 6 PM? Stick to it. You’ll be setting a precedent that will make parenting easier in the future.

Celebrate Your Child’s Accomplishments – Even the Small Ones

If your child continually defies you, you may become focused on the negative. Every response or reaction you have is to defiant behavior. Try to offset that by celebrating your child’s accomplishments. “Thank you for taking out the trash.” Sure, you may have asked six times before he took it out, but that doesn’t negate the accomplishment. Find ways to lift your child’s spirits so he feels recognized. Otherwise, he may think the only way to get attention is through defiant behavior.

Prioritize Family Time

Family activities create a natural platform for communication. You’re spending time together, laughing together, talking together, and making memories along the way. This open flow of communication may deter some defiant behaviors. Your child feels more comfortable talking to you. Thus he may express his emotions, rather than acting out.

Make family time a priority. Keep cell phones out of reach, and plan activities that everyone enjoys. From family board games to movie nights, the possibilities are endless.

If you would like to get matched with a family therapist or child therapist near you, contact Oakland Psychological Clinic.

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10 Tips On How To Handle A Defiant Child

| What Is Defiance | How To Handle A Defiant Child |

You’ve tried everything to change your defiant child’s behavior – yelling, time-outs, privilege removal, and grounding, but nothing works.

You are constantly fighting with your kid. Their behavior gets worse, and your relationship with them deteriorates every day.

You might sometimes question the reasons for becoming a parent and if this is the family life you envisioned.

What Is Defiance?

Defiance is a behavior characterized by refusing to obey rules, listen to grownups, or comply with requests, especially from parents or other authority figures. It can manifest in various ways, such as talking back, arguing, breaking things, or ignoring instructions.

Extreme defiance can be a symptom of underlying emotional or behavioral issues, such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), disruptive behavior disorder, conduct disorder, or mood disorders.

However, the majority of children show some form of defiance. It does not necessarily indicate a disorder.

How To Handle A Defiant Child

Defiant children can frustrate parents. Most likely, you have already tried all the traditional parenting tactics but failed, or worse, they backfired.

Make Your Choice

If I had said, “I’m the authority on parenting, so you must listen to what I say here,” does that make you feel more compelled to follow my advice?

I bet it doesn’t.

You probably would have stopped reading and left immediately if I had said that.

That’s exactly how your child feels when you tell them to listen to you because you are the authority, the parent, the one who feeds them, or the one who pays for their cellphone plan.

No one likes to be threatened, controlled, or forced to do things¹.

The approach to parenting a defiant child often comes down to two options:

Continue looking for ways to change the child so they will listen.
Or build a good relationship first, and then they will care about things you care about.

Generally speaking, the second option is not fast, and the results are not immediate. Thus, most parents opt for the first option.

But are you getting results in the long term with that method?

The first choice does not only fail, but it also damages your relationship, making it harder and harder to get your child’s cooperation.

Parenting a defiant child effectively begins with prioritizing relationship-building over obedience.

What You Think Is What You Get

Researchers have found that parents who attribute defiant behavior to the child’s negative personality or intention tend to be more upset and use harsher discipline, which can lead to more misbehavior².

When you assume your strong-willed child is deliberately defiant, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and a vicious cycle.

Defiant behavior is a complex result of biology, genetics, and environmental factors. As of now, scientists are not sure what is the single biggest factor causing it.

Whenever children become angry, which they legitimately do when yelled at, they react with a fight-or-flight reaction. Their critical thinking is practically shut off by anger, which prevents them from thinking clearly. They can’t control it.

Defiant child behavior can’t be planned when they’re incapable of thinking.

The good news is the parent of a defiant child has the power to change this for the better if they can believe this is not malicious or intentional.

Have confidence that you can positively change this and create a loving, respectful family.

Set aside feelings of anger, guilt, shame, or frustration. Accept this as a challenge you can overcome, not an obstacle.

A positive attitude can make a big difference in your interaction with your child and how they react to you.

Kill defiance with your kindness

Have you ever been in an irritable mood, shouted at a stranger, and then been surprised by the stranger’s warm smile? Your anger melted away, and you even felt guilty about your rude behavior.

That is reciprocity. You felt obligated to repay kindness when someone showed kindness to you.

Reciprocity is natural in children, too³.

Respond to your child with calm and kindness to beat their defiance.

If adult requests are met with defiance, try these ideas.

“I see that you’re upset. What can I do to help you feel better?”

“I’m so sorry that you’re upset. It sounds like my request has made you angry. Can you tell me more about it?”

“It seems like you really don’t like to be interrupted when playing video games. That must be frustrating when I stopped you in the middle of it. Can we talk about how I can get your attention the next time I need something urgently from you?”

“I can tell you don’t like me bringing up your school performance. I am sorry that upsets you, but I want to help you.”

Stop The Escalation

Your child may not be softened immediately when you kindly respond to their rage.

It’s possible that you will get some answers you don’t like, such as, “You can help me feel better by disappearing.”

Here again, you have two choices:

You can get angry and escalate the situation by exchanging angry words.
Or you can stop the escalation.

Power struggles, arguments, and escalation only happen when there are at least two participants. If you don’t participate, there will be no argument.

Therefore, if you want to stop this and get back to your goal of relationship-building, you can take the first step.

How you speak to your child matters.

You can stop the escalation by using a softer tone, carrying non-threatening body language, showing more kindness, and trying to understand why they are so upset with you (it’s never about chores).

If you cannot control your anger in the heat of the moment, tell your child that you cannot continue the conversation and will discuss it later when you are both calm.

Leaving the conversation works 100% in stopping arguments or escalation. But you want to come back to it afterward to discuss this in a more positive tone.

Aim for cooperation, not compliance

Be someone who loves and protects your child, not someone who controls them.

It will greatly improve your parent-child relationship if you let go of the authoritarian “I am the authority figure” and “you must obey” mentalities.

It doesn’t mean you don’t discipline or teach them proper behavior.

It only means you don’t need to dominate someone to teach them.

Teach using reasons

Defiance occurs when a child does not see a reason for doing something. Oftentimes, this is because adults have not explained why this is necessary or why it matters enough for them to do it.

This is why the phrase “because I said so” is ineffective.

Saying you want something isn’t good enough when they don’t want to do what you ask.

Give them compelling reasons to do what you ask.

The best reasons are genuinely in the child’s best interests, such as their health or future.

“I want you to complete school work because I want you to learn, do well in school, go to college, and have a brighter future. I want you to live well and be happy.”

“Vegetables are good for your health. When you are healthy, you can do things you want to do and enjoy life.”

But reasoning only works well when you have a good relationship with your child.

Without a close relationship, your explanation will likely be met with, “I don’t care. ”

Positive Reinforcement

Set clear expectations and reward your child with positive attention when they behave appropriately to teach them good behavior.

Parents can teach their children to meet expectations by focusing on positive behaviors while ignoring bad ones (that are not harmful).

Positive reinforcement by giving your child praise for positive action can be quite effective⁴.

Similar to reasoning, this parenting strategy may not work if you already have an ongoing pattern of conflict with your child.

It’s a good idea to work on building a positive relationship first, which will make this step work better.

Mutual Trust and Respect for Strong Relationship

Trust and Respect are paramount in building strong relationships with teenagers⁵.

But trust and respect need to be mutual.

Asking teenagers to prove they are trustworthy or earn their respect isn’t trusting or respectful on the parents’ part.

If parents want to have respect, they need to show respect first. If they want to have trust, they need to show trust first.

Any other way, you won’t gain real respect or trust.

You are the bigger person in this relationship. Make the first move, and you both can meet in the middle.

Parenting Training

Families with defiant young children may benefit from parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT) taught by an experienced child therapist.

When offered during preschool years, this type of parent training is particularly effective since it improves relationships between children and parents and equips parents with coping skills⁶.

For families with school-age children, parent management training (PMT) can be effective.

Therapy

A family therapist can help you if difficult situations arise, such as out-of-control behavior, threats, or behavioral disorders.

Mental health conditions can sometimes cause behavior problems. Screen your child for symptoms of ODD, anxiety disorders, and other mental health problems.

Parents of defiant kids with a more severe problem or frequent angry outbursts should also seek professional help as soon as possible, as early intervention is recommended⁷.

References

1.
Ushioda E. Why autonomy? Insights from motivation theory and research. Innovation in Language Learning and Teaching. Published online July 2011:221-232. doi:10.1080/17501229.2011.577536
2.
Johnston C, Patenaude R. Parent attributions for inattentive-overactive and oppositional-defiant child behaviors. Cogn Ther Res. Published online June 1994:261-275. doi:10.1007/bf02357779
3.
Fujisawa KK, Kutsukake N, Hasegawa T. Reciprocity of prosocial behavior in Japanese preschool children. International Journal of Behavioral Development. Published online March 2008:89-97. doi:10.1177/0165025407084055
4.
Jones ML, Eyberg SM, Adams CD, Boggs SR. Treatment Acceptability of Behavioral Interventions for Children: An Assessment by Mothers of Children with Disruptive Behavior Disorders. Child & Family Behavior Therapy. Published online November 18, 1998:15-26. doi:10.1300/j019v20n04_02
5.
Hanna FJ, Hanna CA, Keys SG. Fifty Strategies for Counseling Defiant, Aggressive Adolescents: Reaching, Accepting, and Relating. Journal of Counseling & Development. Published online October 1999:395-404. doi:10.1002/j.1556-6676.1999.tb02465.x
6.
Nixon RDV, Sweeney L, Erickson DB, Touyz SW. Parent-child interaction therapy: A comparison of standard and abbreviated treatments for oppositional defiant preschoolers. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. Published online 2003:251-260. doi:10.1037/0022-006x.71.2.251
7.
Steiner H, Remsing L. Practice Parameter for the Assessment and Treatment of Children and Adolescents With Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Published online January 2007:126-141. doi:10.1097/01.chi.0000246060.62706.af

About Pamela Li

Pamela Li is an author, Founder, and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting For Brain. Her educational background is in Electrical Engineering (MS, Stanford University) and Business Management (MBA, Harvard University). Learn more

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7 tips for communicating with naughty children - School. Moscow

May 18, 2022

grades 1-4From a child psychologist

An obedient child is the dream of many parents, because it is so convenient! But is absolute obedience useful for the baby himself, for his development and maturation? Is it possible to establish a trusting relationship with a child, respecting his right to his own opinion, even if it is fundamentally at odds with yours? Read the advice of psychologists.

Understand the reasons for disobedience. Quite often, violent reactions to the demands of parents are a signal that the child simply lacks parental warmth and attention. He tries to convey that he has his own interests, desires, preferences. Start communicating with your child more often - and not just spend time in the same room, but talk, discuss the events of the past day, ask for his opinion on various occasions, plan weekends or vacations, show sympathy, moral support.

Give your child the right to choose. Sometimes disobedience is due to the fact that the choice of the child is constantly rejected and devalued by adults. Consciously create situations in which you can offer your child a choice: what shirt to wear, what cookies to buy, to draw with paints or pencils today. Offer several options so that the child learns to make decisions. So he will feel that he has the right to choose. And there will be fewer reasons for rebellion.

Show respect for the child's opinion. If the child is going to share his experiences with you, tell you what seems important to him, put things aside and listen. Ignoring and neglecting can lead to the fact that the child will begin to share his opinion with someone else, and your questions will cause him a negative reaction. Even if the topic of conversation seems insignificant to you, take the time to discuss it. And if your opinion on this issue is radically different, give arguments and explain your point of view to the child. Having different opinions on the same subject is completely normal.

Talk about the misbehavior, not the child's personality. When a child does not fulfill your requirements, refrain from making value judgments about him. Discuss the misbehavior, the actions of the child, not the child himself. Saying “you are bad, stupid, weak” means lowering self-esteem and exacerbating difficult relationships. It is better to explain why this or that act is unacceptable, what are its consequences for others and for the child himself.

Encourage positive actions. Praise and approval from significant adults is extremely important. This helps to believe in one's own strengths and achieve better results in various areas, and also contributes to the formation of trusting relationships with parents. Learn to notice the good and show your approval with words, gestures, a smile. The main thing is that the child understands that his positive act resonated in your heart, did not go unnoticed.

Keep your promises. Sometimes, in order to obtain immediate obedience from a child, parents make momentary promises. For example: "If you finish the quarter without triples, we'll buy you a dog." The child tries very hard and waits for a reward, and then the parents come up with excuses day after day. Broken promises destroy trust. Therefore, promise only when you are ready to keep your word.

Be an example of positive behaviour. If a child protests loudly and actively, take a look at yourself from the outside. Do you always behave calmly and reasonably in the family circle? Do you always resolve controversial issues constructively? If not, then start with yourself. Become an example of how to behave with loved ones.

If the relationship with the child has reached an impasse, and you can’t get out of it on your own, you can always seek qualified help from a psychologist.

Marina Arkhipova, specialist of the City Psychological and Pedagogical Center

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upbringing

secrets of communication - Child development

It is difficult for parents to find a common language with stubborn and stubborn children. Even the simplest daily activities, like bathing or eating, become a challenge. In most cases, parents themselves unconsciously provoke such behavior, succumbing to the tantrums of children. The best way to deal with a naughty child is to show him that his tricks don't work. However, it is necessary to note the moments when the child behaves well.

Character traits of stubborn children

Not every child who shows self-will and stubbornness in behavior can be called naughty. Before taking educational measures, it is important to understand the reason for disobedience. Perhaps this behavior is the result of an age crisis or the child is trying to defend his position, gain more freedom in decision-making and slightly weaken parental control.

Children with great will power can be extremely intelligent and creative. They ask a lot of questions, which is often perceived by parents as a rebellion. They always have their own opinion on various issues and defend their positions. It is quite possible that in this case one should not “break” the child and demand unconditional submission.

A naughty and stubborn child can be recognized by the following signs:

He has a strong need to be heard and recognized. Therefore, he tries in every possible way to attract attention to himself.
He fiercely defends his independence.
He is devoted to what he loves.
Naughty children have tantrums more often than usual.
The child loves to command and takes a leadership position in the team.

It is not easy for parents to cope with children with great willpower, but not everything is so hopeless. Studies have shown that children who tend to break the rules and challenge accepted norms often achieve greater academic and professional success. They are not inclined to succumb to the bad example of their peers.

The psychology of disobedience: how to understand a child with developed willpower

If you are a determined person by nature, most likely you want to see this character trait in your child. The problem is that it's hard to tell decisiveness from disobedience. So what's the difference?

Dictionaries define determination as "persistence in achieving a goal." Disobedience can be defined as "the determination to act in a certain way. " In other words, the child refuses to change his point of view, behavior or actions despite being forced to do so.

Disobedience in a child may be hereditary or acquired. Perhaps it is you who provoke him to disobedience. In any case, you can change the behavior of the child for the better.

Dealing with a naughty baby

Your baby may refuse to go to bed or throw a spoon on the floor when you try to feed him. Or he stubbornly puts on the same clothes every day, not wanting to make concessions. We offer 10 effective tips from psychologists that will help to cope with such behavior.

Tip #1: Listen and don't argue

Communication is a two-way process. If you want your stubborn child to listen to you, listen to him first. Children with strong wills tend to have strong beliefs and a tendency to argue. They become uncontrollable when they feel they are not being heard. The child insists on his own - so listen carefully to him and talk openly with him about what worries him. This should help. To talk openly with your child, approach him from the side, not face to face. Speak quietly and calmly.

Tip #2: Stay in touch with your child, don't force him to obey

When you force a child to do something, he is likely to rebel and do his best to disobey your instructions. This behavior is common in naughty children. Resistance arises instinctively and is not limited to children. To avoid this, keep in touch with your child.

For example, if a child insists on watching TV instead of going to bed, it is useless to force him. When you show that you care, the child is more likely to insist on his own. Children who stay in touch with their parents want to cooperate. Bonding closely with a naughty child will help you deal with his behavior. You can take the first step towards this today - just hug your baby!

Tip #3: Always give your child a choice

Children have opinions on many things and don't like being told what to do. If you tell your 4-year-old that he needs to go to bed at 9, he will most likely refuse to do so. Give your child choices instead of directions. Instead of forcing him to go to bed, offer to choose which story to read together before bed.

The child may continue to insist on his own and say: "I'm not going to bed!". In this case, remain calm and say: "No, you did not choose." Repeat this as many times as needed and as calmly as possible. When it looks like a broken record, the child is likely to give in.

Too many choices is also not good. For example, if you offer a child to get clothes from the closet in which he wants to go for a walk, he will be confused. Instead, it is better to offer to choose one of 2-3 options.

Advice No. 4: Always remain calm

Yelling at a naughty child turns normal communication into a competition to see who can outshout whom. The child may take your raising your voice as a call to verbal combat, and this will only make the situation worse. Take the initiative in the conversation in your own hands and let the child understand that he needs to behave within the bounds of decency.

Stay calm in every possible way: meditate, do breathing exercises or listen to soothing music. Turn it on at home so your baby can hear too.

Tip #5: Respect your child

If you want your child to respect you and your opinion, you should respect him too. If you force a child to act in a certain way, you will lose your authority in his eyes. There are several ways to show respect to a child:

Discuss solutions together rather than insisting that he follow directions.
Set reasonable rules for all children and don't interpret them the way you want each time.
Empathize with the child, never be dismissive of his feelings and ideas.
To allow the child to do what is in his power, to avoid the temptation to do something for him. This is how you show your trust.
Explain to your child the meaning of your words and keep your promises.

Show your child an example of good behavior, because he is constantly watching you. This is the golden rule that parents must strictly follow.

Tip #6: Befriend your child

Rebellious or strong-willed children are extremely sensitive to how you treat them. So always be aware of your tone of voice, gestures, and what you say. When a child is uncomfortable with you, he will do everything to protect himself: rebel, argue or show aggression.

If you change your attitude towards your child, he will react differently to your words. Instead of pointing out what to do, be with the baby as equals.

Use phrases like "Let's try...", "How about...?" instead of "I want you to..."

Use fun activities to motivate your child to do something. For example, if you want him to clean up his toys, start doing it yourself, and appoint the child as your “chief assistant”. You can also arrange a timed competition to see who can clean up the toys the fastest. Remember that the main goal of all these activities is to become your child's best friend.

Tip #7: Look for compromises

Sometimes it's better to negotiate and find a compromise. Often children act cocky when they can't get what they want. Ask your child a few questions: “What is bothering you?”, “What happened?”, “Do you want something?”, so that he talks about it. He will see that you respect his needs and consider them.

If you agree with a child, this does not mean that you will fulfill all his whims. Just be attentive to him and be more reasonable. For example, if the baby does not want to go to bed at a set time, agree on an option that will suit both of you.

Tip #8: Create a positive home environment

Children learn by watching or doing things with their hands. When a child sees that his parents are constantly arguing among themselves, he learns to do the same. Disagreements between parents create a stressful environment in the home, which greatly affects the mood and behavior of the child. According to psychologists, this can cause social withdrawal and even aggression.

Tip no. 9: Look at the world through the eyes of a child

To better understand the behavior of your naughty baby - try to look at the situation from his point of view. Imagine yourself in the place of the child and think about why he behaves this way. The better you know your son or daughter, the easier it will be for you to deal with bad behavior and stubbornness.

For example, if a child refuses to do his homework, it may be because the task seems overwhelming to him. When he finds it difficult to concentrate or there is too much work, you can break the task into small parts that are easy to complete in a short time. Take small breaks between tasks. So lessons will cause less stress in the child.

Tip #10: Encourage your child's positive behavior

Sometimes you won't know how to deal with aggressive behavior. But by acting thoughtlessly, you can further provoke negative behavior. For example, if a child constantly answers “No!” to everything you say to him, think about whether you yourself pronounce this word too often.

To change the negative manifestations of character, psychologists advise to play the game "Yes or no" with the child. According to the rules of the game, the child must answer only “yes” or “no” to all questions. Ask questions like "Do you like ice cream?" "Do you like to play?" "Would you like to see a living dinosaur?" The more often the baby responds positively, the more he feels that he is heard and understood.

Most common problems with naughty children

Parents face many challenges as their baby grows. Some problems become a real "stumbling block" and require a lot of effort and time to solve. Here is a list of several of the most burning and pressing issues that can be easily addressed with the right strategy.

How to teach a naughty child to use the potty or toilet .

To teach a three-year-old child to use the toilet, parents should:

talk about it with the child;
explain what needs to be done;
don't take it too seriously, especially if the baby refuses to use the toilet.

Remember that toilet training for a naughty child will take longer than usual. Be patient, praise the baby for success.

The child and proper nutrition

Sometimes children are very capricious when it comes to food. You can not always let the baby eat only what he likes. The best way to teach healthy eating is to make eating fun.