Frank position baby

Causes, Complications, Turning & Delivery

Overview

Types of breech positions during pregnancy.

What is a breech baby?

A breech baby, or breech birth, is when your baby’s feet or buttocks are positioned to come out of your vagina first. Your baby’s head is up closest to your chest and its bottom is closest to your vagina. Most babies will naturally move so their head is positioned to come out of the vagina first during birth. Breech is common in early pregnancy and most babies will move to a head-first position by 36 weeks of pregnancy. This head-first position is called vertex presentation and is the safest position for birth.

How common is a breech baby?

There is a small chance that your baby will not move into a head-first position before 37 weeks of pregnancy. Breech babies account for about 3% to 4% of all full-term pregnancies.

What are the types of breech position a baby can be in?

There are several fetal positions your baby may present in. Ideally, your baby is positioned head-down, facing your back, with their chin tucked to their chest.

Breech babies can be in a few different positions:

Frank breech: The baby’s buttocks are aimed at the vaginal canal with its legs sticking straight up in front of their body and the feet near their head.
Complete breech: The baby’s buttocks are pointing downward and both the hips and the knees are flexed (folded under themselves).
Footling breech: One or both of the baby’s feet point downward and will deliver before the rest of their body.
Transverse lie: This is a form of breech presentation where your baby is positioned horizontally across your uterus instead of vertically. This would make their shoulder enter the vagina first.

How does a breech baby affect pregnancy?

Your pregnancy is usually not affected. Most breech babies are born healthy, although there is a slightly elevated risk for certain birth defects. Your baby’s movements may feel a little different. You will feel your baby’s kicks lower in your belly. You may feel a hard lump closer to your ribs. This is your baby’s head.

If you planned a vaginal delivery, a breech baby could change these plans. When your baby is breech, a vaginal delivery can be complicated and dangerous. Your healthcare provider may feel comfortable attempting a vaginal breech delivery, but in most cases, they will recommend a Cesarean birth (C-section).

How does a breech baby affect delivery?

If your baby presents in a breech position after 36 weeks of pregnancy, your birthing plan will likely change. It's usually unsafe for a breech baby to be born vaginally due to risks of injury. In most cases, a planned C-section is the safest way to deliver your baby. Some healthcare providers may be comfortable with a vaginal breech birth. In some cases, turning your baby to a head-down position while they are still inside your uterus is an option. Your baby is then born head first.

Symptoms and Causes

How can you tell if your baby is breech?

You may be able to tell if your baby is breech, especially if you have had past pregnancies where your baby was head-first. The places where you feel lumps and kicks might indicate that your baby is breech. Let your healthcare provider know where you feel movement. They will feel your belly or do an ultrasound to confirm that your baby is breech.

What causes a baby to be breech?

It’s not always known why a baby is breech. Some factors that may contribute to this position are:

You are expecting multiples (twins or more). This makes it harder for each baby to get into the right position.
There is too much or too little amniotic fluid.
The uterus is not normal in shape or has abnormal growths such as fibroids. Most of the time, the uterus is shaped like an upside-down pear. If it's shaped differently, there might not be enough room for a full-grown baby to move into position.
The placenta covers all or part of the cervix (a condition called placenta previa).
The baby is preterm. This means they are less than 37 weeks gestation and may not have turned to a head-first position.
Your baby has a birth defect that causes them to not turn head-down.

Diagnosis and Tests

How is a breech baby diagnosed?

Your healthcare provider may be able to tell which way your baby is facing by placing their hands at certain places on your abdomen. By feeling where the baby’s head, back and buttocks are, it’s usually possible to find out what part of the baby is positioned to come out of the vagina first. An ultrasound may be used to confirm the baby’s position.

When is a breech baby diagnosed?

Almost all babies are breech at some point. As your pregnancy progresses, your baby will naturally move to a head-down position — probably between 32 and 36 weeks. Your healthcare provider will feel your belly and determine where your baby is positioned. This will happen during most of your appointments in the third trimester. After 37 weeks, a breech baby usually does not turn on their own. Your healthcare provider will discuss delivery options with you.

Management and Treatment

What are the options for treating a breech baby?

If your baby is breech at 37 weeks of pregnancy, your healthcare provider may:

Try turning your baby in your uterus into the head-first position.
Plan a C-section birth.
Plan a vaginal breech birth.

What are some complications of having a breech baby?

The complications of having a breech baby usually do not occur until it's time to deliver. Some breech babies can be safely delivered through the vagina.

The risks of attempting a vaginal breech birth are:

Injuries to your baby’s legs or arms such as dislocated or broken bones.
Umbilical cord problems. The umbilical cord can be flattened or twisted during delivery. This can cause nerve or brain damage due to a lack of oxygen.

Will my doctor try to flip my baby if it's breech?

If your baby is breech, your healthcare provider may consider turning your baby so that you can have a vaginal delivery. In some cases, trying to turn your baby may not be safe or the risks outweigh the benefits.

Flipping your baby may not be safe if you have any of the following:

Bleeding from your vagina.
Placenta previa. This is when your placenta covers all or part of your cervix.
A nonreactive nonstress test.
An abnormally small baby.
Low level of amniotic fluid.
Low or high fetal heart rate.
Premature rupture of the membranes.
Twins or multiples.

The most common method used to turn a breech baby is called external cephalic version (ECV). It's performed by your healthcare provider around 37 weeks of pregnancy. This procedure is performed in the hospital just in case an emergency occurs. It involves placing hands on your abdomen and applying firm pressure to turn your baby to a head-down position while your baby is still in your uterus. It is about 65% effective and carries some risks.

What are the risks of turning my breech baby?

The risks of ECV include the following:

Premature labor.
Premature rupture of the amniotic sac.
Blood loss for either you or your baby.
Emergency C-section.
Your baby might turn back to the breech position.

Although the risk of having these complications is small, some healthcare providers prefer not to try to flip a breech baby.

Will my breech baby flip on their own?

Most babies will flip to a head-down position before they reach full term (37 weeks). If your baby is still in a breech position at this time, your healthcare provider will determine if you can deliver vaginally or if you will need a C-section.

How can I flip my baby if it's breech?

Some women will try at-home methods to flip their baby to a head-first position. They may help, but there is no scientific evidence that they work.

Bridge position: Lie on the floor with your legs bent and your feet flat on the ground. Raise your hips and pelvis into a bridge position. Hold this position for 10 or 15 minutes several times a day.
Child’s pose: Rest in the child’s pose for 10 to 15 minutes. It can help relax your pelvic muscles and uterus. You can also rock back and forth on your hands and knees or make circles with your pelvis to promote activity.
Music: Place headphones or a speaker at the bottom of your uterus to encourage your baby to turn.
Temperature: Try placing something cold at the top of your stomach where your baby’s head is. Then, place something warm at the bottom of your stomach.

A chiropractic technique, called the Webster technique, can also help your uterus relax. Some providers even recommend acupuncture. Both of these techniques need to be done by a professional that your healthcare provider has recommended.

Prevention

How can I reduce my risk of having a breech baby?

There is nothing you can do to prevent your baby from being in a breech position. If your baby is in a breech position, it’s not because you did anything wrong.

Outlook / Prognosis

Can you deliver vaginally with a baby breech?

It's possible to deliver a breech baby vaginally. It can be more dangerous for the baby and the risk of injury is much higher. If the umbilical cord is compressed during birth, the baby could be deprived of oxygen and this could harm their brain and nerves. The cord could also slip around the baby’s neck or arms, causing injury. Healthcare providers have various levels of comfort with vaginal deliveries of breech babies. Talk to your provider about the risks and benefits of different types of birth for a breech baby.

Living With

When should I see my healthcare provider?

Contact your healthcare provider if you experience any of the following symptoms during pregnancy:

Severe cramping or contractions.
Vaginal bleeding.

What questions should I ask my doctor?

Learning your baby is breech may give you concerns about your delivery. It’s completely natural to have questions. Some questions to ask your doctor can include:

How can I tell if my baby is breech?
Is my baby OK?
What are the benefits and risks of turning my baby?
What are my options for delivery if my baby remains in the breech position?
What are the health risks to my baby and me if they are born breech?

Frequently Asked Questions

Do birth defects cause breech position?

Birth defects are slightly more common in breech babies. It might be the reason that the baby didn’t move to the head-down position. Most babies who are breech at delivery are born without any health complications.

Will I need a C-section if my baby is breech?

Most of the time, a C-section is the safest way to deliver a breech baby. Your risks of developing complications are much higher if you try to deliver a breech baby through the vagina. However, some healthcare providers may feel comfortable performing a vaginal breech birth.

How does labor start if your baby is breech?

Having a breech baby doesn’t change some of the first signs of labor like contractions or rupturing of your membranes. In most cases, your healthcare provider will recommend a planned C-section. If your delivery is planned, you may not have any labor symptoms.

If you are in labor and go to the hospital for delivery, your provider will confirm your baby’s position a final time. Your provider could attempt a vaginal delivery, but it's more likely they will proceed with a C-section to be safe.

A note from Cleveland Clinic

Having a breech baby can be unexpected and change the vision you had for childbirth. Talk to your healthcare provider about what to expect during a breech delivery. They can help you understand the risks and benefits of a breech birth so that you and your baby are kept safe.

Causes, Complications, Turning & Delivery

Overview

Types of breech positions during pregnancy.

What is a breech baby?

How common is a breech baby?

There is a small chance that your baby will not move into a head-first position before 37 weeks of pregnancy. Breech babies account for about 3% to 4% of all full-term pregnancies.

What are the types of breech position a baby can be in?

There are several fetal positions your baby may present in. Ideally, your baby is positioned head-down, facing your back, with their chin tucked to their chest.

Breech babies can be in a few different positions:

Frank breech: The baby’s buttocks are aimed at the vaginal canal with its legs sticking straight up in front of their body and the feet near their head.
Complete breech: The baby’s buttocks are pointing downward and both the hips and the knees are flexed (folded under themselves).
Footling breech: One or both of the baby’s feet point downward and will deliver before the rest of their body.
Transverse lie: This is a form of breech presentation where your baby is positioned horizontally across your uterus instead of vertically. This would make their shoulder enter the vagina first.

How does a breech baby affect pregnancy?

How does a breech baby affect delivery?

Symptoms and Causes

How can you tell if your baby is breech?

What causes a baby to be breech?

It’s not always known why a baby is breech. Some factors that may contribute to this position are:

You are expecting multiples (twins or more). This makes it harder for each baby to get into the right position.
There is too much or too little amniotic fluid.
The uterus is not normal in shape or has abnormal growths such as fibroids. Most of the time, the uterus is shaped like an upside-down pear. If it's shaped differently, there might not be enough room for a full-grown baby to move into position.
The placenta covers all or part of the cervix (a condition called placenta previa).
The baby is preterm. This means they are less than 37 weeks gestation and may not have turned to a head-first position.
Your baby has a birth defect that causes them to not turn head-down.

Diagnosis and Tests

How is a breech baby diagnosed?

When is a breech baby diagnosed?

Management and Treatment

What are the options for treating a breech baby?

If your baby is breech at 37 weeks of pregnancy, your healthcare provider may:

Try turning your baby in your uterus into the head-first position.
Plan a C-section birth.
Plan a vaginal breech birth.

What are some complications of having a breech baby?

The complications of having a breech baby usually do not occur until it's time to deliver. Some breech babies can be safely delivered through the vagina.

The risks of attempting a vaginal breech birth are:

Injuries to your baby’s legs or arms such as dislocated or broken bones.
Umbilical cord problems. The umbilical cord can be flattened or twisted during delivery. This can cause nerve or brain damage due to a lack of oxygen.

Will my doctor try to flip my baby if it's breech?

Flipping your baby may not be safe if you have any of the following:

Bleeding from your vagina.
Placenta previa. This is when your placenta covers all or part of your cervix.
A nonreactive nonstress test.
An abnormally small baby.
Low level of amniotic fluid.
Low or high fetal heart rate.
Premature rupture of the membranes.
Twins or multiples.

What are the risks of turning my breech baby?

The risks of ECV include the following:

Premature labor.
Premature rupture of the amniotic sac.
Blood loss for either you or your baby.
Emergency C-section.
Your baby might turn back to the breech position.

Although the risk of having these complications is small, some healthcare providers prefer not to try to flip a breech baby.

Will my breech baby flip on their own?

How can I flip my baby if it's breech?

Some women will try at-home methods to flip their baby to a head-first position. They may help, but there is no scientific evidence that they work.

Bridge position: Lie on the floor with your legs bent and your feet flat on the ground. Raise your hips and pelvis into a bridge position. Hold this position for 10 or 15 minutes several times a day.
Child’s pose: Rest in the child’s pose for 10 to 15 minutes. It can help relax your pelvic muscles and uterus. You can also rock back and forth on your hands and knees or make circles with your pelvis to promote activity.
Music: Place headphones or a speaker at the bottom of your uterus to encourage your baby to turn.
Temperature: Try placing something cold at the top of your stomach where your baby’s head is. Then, place something warm at the bottom of your stomach.

Prevention

How can I reduce my risk of having a breech baby?

There is nothing you can do to prevent your baby from being in a breech position. If your baby is in a breech position, it’s not because you did anything wrong.

Outlook / Prognosis

Can you deliver vaginally with a baby breech?

Living With

When should I see my healthcare provider?

Contact your healthcare provider if you experience any of the following symptoms during pregnancy:

Severe cramping or contractions.
Vaginal bleeding.

What questions should I ask my doctor?

Learning your baby is breech may give you concerns about your delivery. It’s completely natural to have questions. Some questions to ask your doctor can include:

How can I tell if my baby is breech?
Is my baby OK?
What are the benefits and risks of turning my baby?
What are my options for delivery if my baby remains in the breech position?
What are the health risks to my baby and me if they are born breech?

Frequently Asked Questions

Do birth defects cause breech position?

Will I need a C-section if my baby is breech?

How does labor start if your baby is breech?

A note from Cleveland Clinic

Psychologist, children, parents, relationships, transactional analysis

Children

Irada Sadraeva

September 24, 2021 19:50

? Four listening techniques will help you improve your communication skills with your child. Psychologist Marina Panfilova told Afisha Daily about them.

How the four forms of listening differ

Psychology distinguishes between empathic, critical, passive and active listening.

Active listening

Occurs when the interlocutor asks leading questions in order to obtain more complete information. For example, if a child flatly refuses to eat vegetables, try to start by observing, “You don’t like the taste of vegetables. You understand that they are useful, but you can’t help yourself.” After the child responds, you can ask the question: “Do you think that vegetables are like unpalatable medicines?”. If the child agrees, you can ask: “What about burgers? They also put vegetables in them. Maybe it's the way they're cooked?" Using the method of leading questions, the parent will come to a compromise.

Empathic listening

Empathic listening puts the parent in the child's shoes. If someone took a toy from your three-year-old on the playground, you can support the baby: “Yes, I would be upset too if I were you,” “It’s a shame. ” Emotions are more important than words here: such listening often uses non-verbal signals (yes, smiles, meaningful pauses).

Passive listening

Passive listening occurs when the parent does not delve into the conversation. If an adult is immersed in his own worries and looks at the world with glassy eyes, children immediately feel it.

This is not effective at all: it is better to admit to the child that you are tired or busy, and postpone the conversation until you can understand the problem.

On the other hand, sometimes a child simply shares his impressions and emotions. For example, he spent the whole day playing a computer game. He has something to tell, and he speaks not to the wall, but to the parent he trusts. At the same time, the parent himself remains in the subject: he knows what the child is interested in and does not let his words go past his ears.

Critical listening

Critical listening implies that the interlocutor does not accept the point of view of the opponent. The positive effect of critical listening is that parent and child communicate as equals. This principle is well described by Eric Berne in transactional analysis. According to this technique, the interlocutor is in one of three states - Parent (projects the behavior of elders onto himself), Adult (objectively assesses the current situation) and Child (re-experiences emotions experienced in childhood). All of them are determined by varying degrees of independence and the ability to defend boundaries. The most advantageous position in communication with a child is the position of an Adult. It gives the child experience in dealing with objections. If a high school student suddenly announces that he wants to become a dancer, although he has been preparing for law school for the past two years, do not rush to challenge his position. After he tells everything, you can ask where such a change came from in him. Then answer: “Here is your opinion, now listen to my point of view”, “Do you agree with me or not?”. Critical listening involves a dialogue, not a monologue in a situation where points of view do not coincide.

Communication experience should be different. But if a passive or critical type of listening prevails in the family, then misunderstanding grows stronger within the parent-child relationship. There is no acceptance of the child, and this position will be reflected - the child will also not accept the parent's point of view.

How not to talk to a child

Interrupt a child (including gestures and exclamations). This should not be done, even if the child's train of thought seems illogical.
Change the subject abruptly. This is how you show that the conversation is not interesting.
Think carefully about objections as the child speaks. The work of thought is reflected on your face, and the child sees it.
Advise in a patronizing tone. Instead of direct recommendations, it is better to take the position of a researcher and, together with the child, discuss the prospects for one or another scenario for getting out of the situation.
Summarize the experience and devalue the child's emotions. Usually, the phrases “Everyone at your age was like that, me too”, “You are the same as everyone else” are used.

Helping with a difficult conversation

Where appropriate, use phrases such as "That's interesting," "I agree with you," "I didn't even think about it."
Refer to the technique of repetition: "Am I correct that A was after B?", "In other words, this happened."
A good listener opens up by accepting another's point of view. He creates warm communication, avoids unnaturalness in speech and intonations.
Pay attention to the pauses, give the child time to realize what was said and what it means.
Do not correct speech errors.

At the end of the conversation, an active listener should lead the child to positive emotions, infect with enthusiasm. Not all issues can be resolved in one conversation, but in order for this conversation to work for the good and you can return to it, the child should not leave you with negative thoughts. It will only alienate him from you. Jokes, a friendly smile, and talking about the positive things that you have discovered together will help to avoid this.

tell your friends

How do you grow up and still keep your inner child?

Yulia Burlakova, IFC certified coach and business coach, told how to raise an adult in yourself and at the same time save a child. We talked about what an adult position is, why we look for the reliability of a mother even when we grow up, and what leads us to childishness. And also, what exercises should be done in order to maintain the balance of a child, an adult and a parent, take responsibility for one's own life, learn to manage emotions and put the inner critic in his place.

Hello everyone! I am Yulia Burlakova, coach and business coach, and today we have an intriguing topic - how to grow up, what is an adult position in general, both in a person’s personality and in the life that he creates.

I'll start with the fact that it is very difficult to grow up, and no normal person really wants to grow up on their own initiative. Imagine you or me. Just yesterday, my mother seemed to be tying her laces, and today she says to me: “Come on, Yulia, you yourself will tie the laces on these complicated shoes.”

Since our body is also not a fool and wants to live in a resource-saving mode, carry more and more tasks (laces are a huge, difficult, unpleasant task) and be responsible for how these tasks are implemented, I collapsed on the stairs from incorrectly tied shoelaces or normally reached the site, where she had success among the rest of the baby dolls - we don’t want to bear this responsibility, it’s difficult. And the resource-saving mode suggests that we kind of shrink from reality's attempts to offer us more and more responsibility every week, every month, every year of our lives.

If we turn to the psychoanalytic vision of this process, then there we will be hinted that the whole life of a person is an attempt to return to the infinitely kind, giving resources when we need it, mother's breast. And so we are looking for this sisyu in all circumstances, we would like it to be endlessly given to us attention, time, opportunities.

And for some reason, every year this sisya tells us more and more: “I won’t be in your life at your instant request, you yourself have to get time, resources, money, relationships, intimacy, contact, any vital good and resources, for which you, my friend, apply. It's unpleasant for me, my friend, so if I'm a normal friend, I don't want to grow up.

And the complexity of growing up is so sharp and bright that, in fact, this complexity invites you and me into infantilism. This is the resistance to growing up, we are like this: I'm in the house, I don't want to grow up, I don't want to be responsible for these mortgages, self-realization, careers, families, relationships that I create.

It is paradoxical that sometimes even those genres, procedures, processes, institutions that are designed for us to develop and mature, on the contrary, lead to even greater infantilization. For example, psychotherapy. Now I will do an incredible thing for myself, I will throw such a pebble into the garden of psychotherapy. Well, how about a stone? It's just important to be aware of the potential shadows of, for example, the psychotherapy process or training when they turn into endless personal growth training.

You probably know such friends, comrades, comrades, who, having gone to psychotherapy, became something so infantile, stopped coming to any meetings that you agree on, generally stopped complying with the agreements. For example, he may call at the last second and say: "I felt that I did not have a resource." Dear, what did you feel when I already ran to that meeting or those negotiations that we both agreed to appoint in our right mind and memory?

The fact is that psychotherapy is also arranged in such a way that at first the psychotherapist is such a substituting figure of a rather caring father or mother for the client and thus, as it were, invites (and there is such a term) into this infantile regression. And I, when I was just starting my personal therapy 15 years ago, had such a temptation: let me extend this genre of psychotherapy to all my other areas of life: work, finances, personal relationships. But they didn't sign up to be my psychotherapist.

And of course, life gives feedback quite quickly, reality is always richer than any psychotherapeutic genre, in whatever we develop. Life itself tells us: “No, baby, get up on your feet. There is psychotherapy, and here is the reality that you have to create yourself.”

Of course, many wonderful authors have reflected and written wonderful books on this subject. It's great that one of the basic books that people generally start with in the wonderful world of psychology is Eric Berne's book "Games People Play". The book is wonderful, it describes three states of the ego: just a child's - a child, an adult - the same adult position that we are looking for in life and in our today's issue, and the position of a parent.

What is the child's condition? It is wonderful in many ways. It's creative, it's full of curiosity, it's so daring, spontaneous, it has a lot of joy, it has a lot of play, it has a lot of freedom. True, it is not suitable, this state, for solving all life issues. I, as a business coach and coach, work with creative teams, for example, from the world of advertising and observe that sometimes excellent employees of excellent companies, representatives of creative professions try to build a whole life out of the role of a child. And it also has certain limitations. If a spontaneous child said: “Tomorrow I want to be, I don’t know, at an exhibition in Austria, this is necessary for the development of my creativity”, - dear, it is necessary. But who will be responsible for this budget?

If a person is in a very infantile position, he demands from others, the position of a child - I want it, and that's it! He has no other reason to make decisions. Or he says on his own: “I want!” and takes out a loan. And tomorrow he is really in a beautiful country at a wonderful exhibition, but an adult will have to pay for this, because an adult will pay interest on loans and will be forced to enter into negotiations with his superiors if for some reason you missed work that day, because you, so cool, spontaneous, creative, but sometimes infantile, ended up in another country for enchanting money and you will be forced to pay for it on behalf of your adult part in a good, or maybe not in a very good sense of the word.

Here is a circle drawn by Eric Bern about a child. His next circle in this traffic light is, in fact, an adult. This is the one who adequately assesses reality, he makes decisions whether we, dear friends, can afford a trip today, how this relates to the whole context of life, how this relates to the agreements that we have with other people.

Perhaps you now feel, when I tell you about this adult circle in Bern's illustration, that somehow here spontaneity and creativity are tragically reduced. Probably, this is then the balance of all these wonderful three parts of the personality. What do we want? Happiness. And to be truly happy, it's great to implement all three parts in balance, but relying on the adult part.

The third, uppermost circle that Bern draws is the position of a parent, these are our stereotypes, guidelines, some kind of internal orders inside us that we took from other people who raised us, or institutions: kindergarten, family , relatives, teachers, then professors at the university and the boss, evil or good. It's still some kind of introjects, inwardly rotated parts of the personality that rule us. That is, it is not our own choice: "I have to defend my dissertation." Why should you defend your dissertation? Because all decent girls of our kind (I'm not talking about myself now) defended their dissertations. And then it turns out that the parental state in me is driving me at the moment, this is not my true adult choice based on myself.

In order for us to have the technical ability to be aware of these choices and to realize from what state I am now reacting, or making a decision, or acting, or communicating, it is important to carry out such a big life project, which is called separation from the parental family system. This often becomes an important milestone in a person's personal psychotherapy.

A healthy separation is when I am able to accept what is very important and valuable and great for me, and thank my parents and the family system in general, say: “Guys, this is great, this is great, I take it. I take it further into my life, carry it and increase it” and “No, this is unacceptable, it’s not great that you are so-and-so” (the following is a list of presentations that we all make to our parental family system) - and disconnect from this, to separate, then I am already so on my own, naked or independent, I go further into life with my conscious baggage, what I take into my qualities, into my life, into my principles and attitudes and what I do not take.

And then you and I can already grope for a definition here. It seems to me that being an adult is even with such, you know, enthusiasm to be responsible for the authorship of everything that I create in my life, and with adequate self-esteem, relying on myself, having developed emotional intelligence and effective communication with other living or not very living subjects that I meet in my life.

Here, each part of this definition is such an independent large definition that requires separate consideration. When I ask at trainings: “Dear friends, which of the seven billion people living on earth is responsible for how much, for example, I have energy today to work with you today?”, you understand, for some reason know that it is you, Yulia Burlakova, who is responsible.

I say, "I don't like your answer a little, but I share it conceptually nonetheless." Of course, it depends on me how much inspiration I bring here and now, today to the group. Moreover, it also depends on me what my financial well-being is, what my emotional and physical health is, what kind of career or self-realization I have created, how much intimacy with other people I have managed to create or not create in my life.

By and large, this is a common aphorism and ancient wisdom: "Give me strength, Lord, to change what I can change, acceptance - to accept what I cannot change, and wisdom - to separate one from the other." This is the recognition of the authorship of my own life and understanding what to do next with what I have, because not everything I can change. Relying on adequate self-esteem means that I do not have a God complex, yes.

We say that being an adult does not mean being a god, it also means accepting the natural limitations of life, and this in itself is very scary, and authorship, and acceptance of limitations. This activates in us the so-called existential frustration. Few people take the courage to accept and realize these four existential givens of life at all. Irvin Yalom, in a large, beautiful volume of Existential Psychotherapy, will not let you lie: this is death, this is isolation, this is freedom, and this is meaninglessness.

Death is an understanding of the finiteness of life, which means that it is such a gluttonous feeling of the incredible value of every day. Isolation is the understanding that we will come into this world alone and we will leave it alone, and then the miracle is my attempt to reach someone, for example, right now, when you are watching this story, or in my close relationship with my relatives and friends. These are courageous attempts to create intimacy, and they are not always within my power, for example.

The third existential given, freedom, is precisely the very authorship of life that I create it, despite the fact that it has natural limitations. Each of us has our own baggage of tragedies, deaths, losses, illnesses, circumstances above which we really cannot jump.

And the pointlessness is just about the fact that each of us, according to existential psychology, is forced to create his own unique meanings in life. Nobody will offer us ready ones. They will want to offer, but then these are totalitarian simple ideas, the temptation to be imbued with them is so great precisely because it is difficult to deal with the existential anxiety of the meaninglessness of life and with this very adult task of creating your own meanings. Can you imagine what a big category? And, it would seem, just “how can we grow up?” — to accept the existential reality of life.

I have a more cheerful tail at the end with emotional intelligence and effective communication. What do I understand in general in this topic of adulthood, why do I invite emotional intelligence and effective communication here? Emotional intelligence is, first of all, the ability to be aware of your emotions and manage them, not to suppress them, but to manage them.

A parent serves as a container for a child in childhood. Right in the theory of attachment there is such a term - to contain the emotions of a child. He doesn't know how to deal with them on his own. It’s just that his neurophysiology functions so well that he doesn’t know how to cope with his emotions. If he has a caring enough adult with adequate emotional intelligence, then this caring adult is able to reflect the child's emotions: “Petya, you are angry. And at the same time, you can’t bite the dog Zhuzhu, because it hurts.” Thus, an adult is a guide for a child to the world of awareness of emotions and their management. You can't bite a dog.

Therefore, if you see on the passport an adult who, without containing, without being aware of his emotions, simply pours them into you or others, like into a sewer, I sometimes do this, to be honest, then I'm not in a very adult position, then it's just important to understand: oops, emotional intelligence dipped at that moment.

What does effective communication mean? I am aware of my emotions: “Julia, you are angry now”, I manage them: “What do you need to stop being angry or make your rage (if it is not anger, but just rage) safe for others, run to the neighboring gym and beat a pear ? And then this is a rather adult position, then I, in fact, again have the technical ability to effectively interact with the one I am angry with. For example, it is very serious to set boundaries, so clear that it will be impossible to yell at me next time if it is a toxic boss that we talked about in our previous issues.

There is a wonderful basic exercise that I came up with and that I use in my trainings. I will share it with you now so that you have a technique for growing up, because generally everyone really wants to get on their own feet, create their own unique best life, this autobiography, be the author, screenwriter and director of their own life. To do this, I propose this exercise. You formulate a certain task for yourself, which for you is some kind of challenge, some kind of delicious complexity, for example, that I am now trying to voice some idea on the Dozhd TV channel, yes. It's not an easy task, it's not something I do every day.

Next, please invite into your difficult task your infantile part, your childish, curious, hopeful, one-switch, want or don't want, childish part. We really need our inner child, he is responsible for creativity. My inner child may say something like this: “Oh, I’ll come running, I’ll tell you, everyone will be enlightened, everyone will be happy! You don't have to be prepared."

Next comes the part that we talked about above as the inner parent. Now we will hyperbolize it with you and call it an internal critic. Please follow my thought carefully now. When I asked on my social media what to talk about in an adult position, most of the answers were: “Please tell us how to deal with the inner critic.” This is such an evil parent who sits there and hits you very hard with a stick of guilt, shame, such a translation of the thought that you are imperfect, you will not succeed.

This inner critic says: “Where are you going with a pig's snout into the Kalash row? You won't get anything. " Mine doesn't talk like that anymore, he's re-educated, and I want to draw your attention to the fact that you don't need to kill him, you don't need to suppress him. It is important to use him as a useful auditor, such a checker, a little boring, perhaps, who insures risks for us, because he talks about it.

That is, this inner parental part, which is most often brought in our internal radio to such an evil critical part, appeared in the psyche not just like that, but as a fuse. For example, if a child runs across the road under a car, the parent will probably grab him roughly, probably the parent will say something very bad in this frustration of fear and rage. But this is an adequate manifestation of such a parental position. At the same time, we also met with an inadequate one, when we were simply insulted, inspired by a guilt and inferiority complex, which became toxic. In all my trainings, the group always knows in what voice and what specific lines the inner critic is speaking.

Our task in this exercise is to activate the inner adult, and when you formulate a difficult task for yourself, a delicious difficult task, I don’t know, start saving for your housing, spend a wonderful broadcast on Rain, build a more harmonious relationship with your child , as a teenager, to master the guitar is some kind of task for growing up. Remember, it meets all the parameters of an adult position: it is authorship, it is enthusiastic to be responsible, it is to rely on my adequate self-esteem, what I can, what I can not, what I need help with, arm myself with emotional intelligence, understanding my emotions and communicate with those with whom we will communicate in the course of this ambitious project.

The first task is to formulate a problem for growing up. The second task is to ask yourself how my inner child feels about this, and directly write down or ask kind people to then voice what you wrote down. The child will usually feel enthusiastic, hopeful, often fearful that he won't get enough love in the course of selling a guitar, a mortgage, whatever, and will talk a lot about desire. What is important is his desire to support, motivation.

Then it is important to write down a part of the inner critic, what my inner critic is saying at this moment, and directly write down the horror that he will broadcast at that moment. And then the important summarizing part begins, which is the technique of growing an adult position, consolidating it. It is directly important to write there: “Due to the fact that I am your boss, I am your adult, I react as follows.” And then, please, I beg you to observe this technique boringly.

“My dear baby,” and somehow calm and support him: “It's great that you want to run so spontaneously and without preparation and tell everything you want to tell humanity. And at the same time, it’s important to prepare for how you will speak to the audience.” You understand that you support the child and at the same time give feedback that the child will not always get what he wants, this is normal, because you are strengthening the adult position. When you strengthen the nursery, it will be another training and another exercise.

Next, you write to yourself: "Dear Inner Critic." Look, if he insults you, if he has not yet been reeducated, then you tell him: “You can’t treat me like that, I forbid such an internal dictionary.” That is, the first thing that is important is to put it in its place. If you do not put the inner critic in place on behalf of the adult part, he will make your inner ether, your relationship with yourself toxic. Therefore, you correctly put him in his place and take the important thing that he nevertheless managed to tell you. For example, if he tells you: “Where are you going to take another loan to the Maldives?”, then it would be great, on behalf of an adult position, to tell an internal critic: “You are probably right, I need a financial policy that is much more thoughtful than how I live now."

And then some summary of all of the above: "That's why it's important for me to take guitar courses within the next three months.

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