Baby temper tantrums
Temper Tantrums (for Parents) - Nemours KidsHealth
Temper tantrums can be frustrating for any parent. But instead of looking at them as disasters, treat tantrums as opportunities for education.
Why Do Kids Have Tantrums?
Temper tantrums range from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting, and breath-holding spells. They're equally common in boys and girls and usually happen between the ages of 1 to 3.
Some kids may have tantrums often, and others have them rarely. Tantrums are a normal part of child development. They're how young children show that they're upset or frustrated.
Tantrums may happen when kids are tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. They can have a meltdown because they can't have something they want (like a toy or candy) or can’t get someone to do what they want (like getting a parent to pay attention to them immediately or getting a sibling to give up the tablet). Learning to deal with frustration is a skill that children gain over time.
Tantrums are common during the second year of life, when language skills are developing. Because toddlers can't always say what they want or need, and because words describing feelings are more complicated and develop later, a frustrating experience may cause a tantrum. As language skills improve, tantrums tend to decrease.
Toddlers want independence and control over their environment — more than they can actually handle. This can lead to power struggles as a child thinks "I can do it myself" or "I want it, give it to me." When kids discover that they can't do it and can't have everything they want, they may have a tantrum.
How Can We Avoid Tantrums?
Try to prevent tantrums from happening in the first place, whenever possible. Here are some ideas that may help:
- Give plenty of positive attention. Get in the habit of catching your child being good. Reward your little one with praise and attention for positive behavior. Be specific about praising behaviors you want to see happen more often (such as, “I like the way you said please and waited for your milk” or “Thank you for sharing the blocks with your sister.
”) - Try to give toddlers some control over little things. Offer minor choices such as "Do you want orange juice or apple juice?" or "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after taking a bath?" This way, you aren't asking "Do you want to brush your teeth now?" — which of course will be answered "no." Allow control when it doesn’t really matter. Instead of struggling over an outfit your child puts on that doesn’t match, for example, consider whether this may be an opportunity to allow self-expression and independence and if it really makes a difference given the day's schedule.
- Keep off-limits objects out of sight and out of reach. This makes struggles less likely. Obviously, this isn't always possible, especially outside of the home where the environment can't be controlled.
- Distract your child. Try offering something else in place of what they can't have. Start a new activity to replace the frustrating or forbidden one (for example, if your child is jumping on the couch, ask them to come help you “cook” by offering a plastic container and wooden spoon.
Then you can praise them for helping or following directions, rather than having them start a tantrum or refuse to get down). Or simply change the environment. Take your toddler outside or inside or move to a different room. - Help kids learn new skills and succeed. Help kids learn to do things. Praise them to help them feel proud of what they can do. Also, start with something simple before moving on to more challenging tasks.
- Consider the request carefully when your child wants something. Is it outrageous? Maybe it isn't. Choose your battles. It's even OK to change your mind if you originally said no — but find a way to allow the desired treat as a reward for good behavior.
- Know your child's limits. If you know your toddler is tired, it's not the best time to go grocery shopping or try to squeeze in one more errand. Hungry kids are more likely to demand food in the store than children who have just had a meal (just like adults!).
What Should I Do During a Tantrum?
Keep your cool when responding to a tantrum. Don't complicate the problem with your own frustration or anger. Remind yourself that your job is helping your child learn to calm down. So you need to be calm too.
Tantrums should be handled differently depending on why your child is upset. Sometimes, you may need to provide comfort. If your child is tired or hungry, it's time for a nap or a snack. Other times, its best to ignore an outburst or distract your child with a new activity.
If a tantrum is happening to get attention from parents, one of the best ways to reduce this behavior is to ignore it. If a tantrum happens after your child is refused something, stay calm and don't give a lot of explanations for why your child can't have what they want. Move on to another activity with your child.
If a tantrum happens after your child is told to do something they don't want to do, it's best to ignore the tantrum. But be sure that you follow through on having your child complete the task after they're calm.
Kids who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a tantrum should be taken to a quiet, safe place to calm down. This also applies to tantrums in public places.
If a safety issue is involved and a toddler repeats the forbidden behavior after being told to stop, use a time-out by sitting the child on a designated chair or in the corner for just a few minutes. Be nearby so that you can supervise, but do not interact until they are calm. Be consistent. Don't give in on safety issues.
Preschoolers and older kids are more likely to use tantrums to get their way if they've learned that this behavior works. For school-age kids, it's appropriate to send them to their rooms to cool off while paying little attention to the behavior.
Let your child know that you will tell them when the time-out is over and that the sooner they are calm and quiet, the sooner it will end. This is empowering — kids can affect the outcome by their own actions, and thus gain a sense of control that was lost during the tantrum.
Do not reward your child's tantrum by giving in. This will only prove to your little one that the tantrum was effective.
Consider making a “chill out” or “calm down” spot in your home (some teachers use this in preschool, as well). Use a soft cushion and provide books, a stuffed animal, some soft music, and other calming activities in a place where others won’t disturb the child. Encourage your child to go to the spot when angry or upset — not as a punishment, but as a choice and an opportunity to learn to calm down and control frustration.
What Should I Do After a Tantrum?
Praise your child for regaining control — for example, "I like how you calmed down."
Kids may be especially vulnerable after a tantrum when they know they've been less than adorable. Now (when your child is calm) is the time for a hug and reassurance that your child is loved, no matter what. If your child is old enough to discuss the problem, help them come up with some other ways they might have expressed their frustration.
Make sure your child gets enough sleep. With too little sleep, kids can become hyper, disagreeable, and have extremes in behavior. Getting enough sleep can greatly reduce tantrums. Find out how much sleep is needed at your child’s age. Most kids' sleep needs fall within a set range of hours based on their age, but each child is unique.
When Should I Call the Doctor?
Talk to your doctor if:
- You often feel angry or out of control when you respond to tantrums.
- You keep giving in to try to avoid your child acting out.
- The tantrums cause a lot of bad feelings between you and your child or you and your partner.
- The tantrums happen more often, are more intense, or last longer.
- Your child often self-harms or hurts others.
- Your child seems very disagreeable, argues a lot, and hardly ever cooperates.
Your doctor also can check for any health problems that may add to the tantrums, although this is not common.
Sometimes, hearing or vision problems, a chronic illness, language delays, or a learning disability can make kids more likely to have tantrums.
Remember, tantrums usually aren't cause for concern and generally stop on their own. As kids mature, they gain self-control. They learn to cooperate, communicate, and cope with frustration. Less frustration and more control will mean fewer tantrums — and happier parents.
Temper tantrums - NHS
Temper tantrums usually start at around 18 months and are very common in toddlers. Hitting and biting are common, too.
One reason for this is toddlers want to express themselves, but find it difficult. They feel frustrated, and the frustration comes out as a tantrum.
Once a child can talk more, they're less likely to have tantrums. By the age of 4, tantrums are far less common.
These ideas may help you cope with tantrums when they happen.
Toddler tantrum tips
Find out why the tantrum is happening
Your child may have a tantrum because they're tired or hungry, in which case the solution could be simple.
They could be feeling frustrated or jealous, maybe of another child. They may need time, attention and love, even though they're not being very loveable.
Understand and accept your child's anger
You probably feel angry yourself at times, but unlike your child, you can express it in other ways.
Find a distraction
If you think your child is starting a tantrum, find something to distract them with straight away. This could be something you can see out of the window.
For example, you could say, "Look! A cat". Make yourself sound as surprised and interested as you can.
Wait for it to stop
Losing your temper or shouting back will not end the tantrum. Ignore the looks you get from people around you and concentrate on staying calm.
Do not change your mind
Giving in will not help in the long term. If you've said no, do not change your mind and say yes just to end the tantrum.
Otherwise, your child will start to think tantrums can get them what they want. For the same reason, it does not help to bribe them with sweets or treats.
If you're at home, try going into another room for a while. Make sure your child cannot hurt themselves first.
Be prepared when you're out shopping
Tantrums often happen in shops. This can be embarrassing, and embarrassment makes it harder to stay calm.
Keep shopping trips as short as possible.
Involve your child in the shopping by talking about what you need and letting them help you.
Try holding your child firmly until the tantrum passes
Some parents find firmly holding their child while they're having a tantrum helpful, but it can be hard to hold a struggling child.
It usually works when your child is more upset than angry, and when you're feeling calm enough to talk to them gently and reassure them.
Video: what's the best way to deal with tantrums? (18 to 30 months)
This video looks at the best ways of dealing with tantrums.
Media last reviewed: 2 March 2021
Media review due: 2 March 2024
Hitting, biting, kicking and fighting
Most young children occasionally bite, hit or push another child. Toddlers are curious and may not understand that biting or pulling hair hurts.
This does not mean your child will grow up to be aggressive. Here are ways to teach your child that this behaviour is unacceptable.
Do not hit, bite or kick back
This could make your child think it's acceptable to do this. Instead, make it clear that what they're doing hurts and you will not allow it.
Talk to them
Children often go through phases of being upset or insecure and express their feelings by being aggressive. Finding out what's worrying them is the first step to being able to help.
Show them you love them, but not their behaviour
Children may be behaving badly because they need more attention. Show them you love them by praising good behaviour and giving them plenty of cuddles when they're not behaving badly.
Help them let their feelings out in another way
Find a big space, such as a park, and encourage your child to run and shout.
Letting your child know that you recognise their feelings will make it easier for them to express themselves without hurting anyone else.
You could try saying things like: "I know you're feeling angry about… ". As well as showing you recognise their frustration, it will help them be able to name their own feelings and think about them.
For more help
If you're seriously concerned about your child's behaviour, talk to your health visitor or GP.
The Family Lives website has more information and advice about dealing with tantrums
You could also phone its free helpline on 0808 800 2222 to speak to a trained family support worker.
Page last reviewed: 7 November 2022
Next review due: 7 November 2025
Children's tantrums: causes and responses
Why a child has tantrums and how to respond to them will be explained by DocDeti child psychologist Olga Viktorova.
Tantrums in children are strong emotional reactionsdue to the inability to get what they want.
Many children show their emotional reaction in this way.
But to what extent such a response option becomes regular and whether it becomes, will depend on adults as well.
Tantrums can be classified in different ways, I would suggest this option:
1. Unintentional hysteria, which happens with excessive physical / mental overstrain.
At a younger age, this type of hysteria is quite common, since the nervous system has not yet been fully formed.
Observe the baby to understand what level of load is acceptable for him.
Control the number of impressions, do not overload the child.
Follow the daily routine (don't let's get overexcited / overstrained)
Prepare your child in advance for upcoming events.
Measure the load and rest of the child.
Put forward the child's feasible requirements for him and try to make your expectations from the child correspond to the concept of realistic.
2. Unintentional tantrum as a response to frustration in young children.
The kid has not yet learned to express his momentary emotions and is trying to do it this way.
Do not reverse your decisions for fear of getting a response from the child.
You should not pay too much attention to what is happening: if necessary, take the child away from the audience.
Give your baby time to experience these emotions, either nearby or away.
At the moment of hysteria, it makes no sense to engage in education, explanations and punishments.
3. Deliberate tantrum, which occurs in order to take possession of what is desired. In this case, children do not experience emotions as intensely and sincerely as in a real hysteria, but can only portray them.
4. Hysteria, as a fixed reaction, is characterized by the fact that children do not portray, but really experience inadequate emotions, without being aware of what is happening.
However, they lack the skills to soothe and the resources to do so.
The third and fourth options are often reinforced by adults with their positive reaction: they give what the child desired and / or pay great attention to such behavior of the child. As a result, hysteria turns into an excellent working mechanism.
In this case, we help the child move away from the fixed reaction and teach new ways of responding. It is in such situations that it is possible and necessary to turn to child psychologists.
5. Reaction to hopelessness. It may not be intense, like a tantrum, but it also happens. Attachment theory calls these "tears of futility."
It happens that children at such a moment are ready to listen, so identify, explain, accept their emotions, and you may be able to find a way to cope with the situation.
If the child does not listen to you at this moment, then give him time to experience this event himself, do not condemn, do not forbid, and do not pay much attention to this.
In case the child has a desire, discuss what happened in a calm environment - discuss, but do not insist on it.
Basically, tantrums begin to happen in children aged 1 to 3 years and are individual in nature: they depend on external factors and on the characteristics of the baby.
It is important to remember that a tantrum has 2 points:
1. When we understand that it is about to happen;
2. When the tantrum has already happened.
In the first case try:
Switch focus to something else
Use emotional containment techniques
Find a way to cope (perform a wish virtually, agree on how it is possible to fulfill a wish)
In the second case:
Minimize the number of viewers. You should calmly but quickly leave a public place.
Pay as little attention as possible to what is happening. Keep calm!
Don't try to explain/reassure/educate.
After the child has calmed down, it is not necessary to discuss what happened without fail; scold - even more so.
Keep talking as usual.
These points will help you not to fix tantrums as basic reactions to what is happening in children.
What can help reduce the number of tantrums?
The presence of adequate boundaries, clear reasoned and
understandable rules, opportunities in accordance with age
show your will.
what to do and what not to do //Psychological newspaper
Let's talk about what to do and what not to do if the child has a tantrum . Sometimes children's tantrums are singled out into a separate group and qualified as a sophisticated way of children's manipulations that need to be fought (sometimes quite cruelly). However, it must be said that everyone has tantrums. Regardless of age. Young children cope worse with their emotional reactions, so it is easier to accuse them of intemperance and the desire to manipulate, forgetting that in a state of hysteria a person cannot control himself, he is really bad, he is unable to change reality in the usual way and cannot manages to understand what is going on.
When a child has a tantrum, the first thing they need is help. You can't contain your emotions. They are reflex. Therefore, if you want to do more than simply crush a child by instilling in him the fear of expressing his emotions, you should stop perceiving tantrums as a way of manipulation and treat them like human beings. That is, with an understanding of what is happening and a desire to help. Below are the specific steps.
1. First, show empathy (compassion) . In Russian it is called Pity. Feeling sorry for someone who feels bad is normal.
2. Tell the child about this . It is very important to hear that you are sorry. It is necessary to inform the person that we SEE, understand that he is ill, noticed that he is terribly upset. Preferably calmly, even better - hugging, so that the child hears, sees and feels that you sincerely empathize with him.
3. Next offer help .
Ask, first of all, what a person needs in order to cope with this difficult condition. You can offer a drink, or say: “Breathe, honey, breathe, my good. Let's inhale and exhale three times ”(breathing techniques are one of the most effective ways of emotional regulation). Don't hesitate to help. The child must see that you are not leaving him alone with his difficult feelings and want to help him.
4. If the child pushes you away, move away ( and not resentfully leave ). Move away to the distance that the child needs in order not to feel your intrusion and, at the same time, not to be abandoned by the mother. It is important to understand that in a state of hysteria, a child in despair screams at the same time: “Go away!” and "Don't leave me...". Therefore, those parents who, in response to a hysterical cry: “Go away !!!” really get up and defiantly leave the room, show an inability to contain childish experiences: thus they cannot teach him how to handle their emotional reactions, because they themselves are acting at this moment from a very childish position.
You should also not tell the child: “Since you are asking me to leave, I will go to another room, when you calm down, then you will come.” Don't leave your child in hysterics. He needs you. You need to move away to the distance where the child will allow you to stay with him. If he pushes you away, sit back at arm's length. If he yells, "Get out of my room!!!", do as he asks, but stay within his line of sight. If he slams the door in your face, then you don't have to rush back. You have to wait. Until the peak of the emotional reaction passes.
Don't panic . Just step back - let the child be with himself. Let a person have the opportunity to test their own mechanisms of transition to another state. The picture below shows the emotional background of a person in a state of hysteria.
Hysteria is characterized by peak experiences (at these moments it is useless to talk and explain - the child is not able to hear, you just have to wait), which are replaced by recessions, because exhaustion sets in.
The child needs to at least take a breath, catch his breath - in order to go "on a new circle." And in this state, you need to “catch” the child - in a state of emotional decline, he is able to hear, is capable of some kind of constructive dialogue. Parents need to carefully observe, being as close as possible, and when the tantrum has subsided, at this moment you can begin to regret and try to explain something.
5. And you need to explain the following: clarify your position . That, in fact, parents are also living people, that you do not know how, are not ready to communicate now and in this way (and you have the right to do so). It may sound something like this: “You know, I’m very sorry for you, I’m worried about you, I want to help you, I’ll be happy to help you in any way I can, but I won’t talk in this form because I don’t know how (it’s unpleasant for me, we won’t achieve anything, I’m nervous, I can’t talk like that, etc.)”.
It is important to understand that in a state of emotional peak in hysterics conversation in essence is now impossible .
Do not be angry about it: there is simply nothing to be angry about. Hysteria, in the vast majority of cases, has nothing to do with the original subject of the dispute. Even children understand this. If they then explain and learn to cope with their feelings. It is important to separate - and for ourselves too - the state of hysteria and the subject of conversation. And this is where your position must be firm. Don't get affected yourself.
6. If you feel that you also cannot cope with your emotions in response and feel anger, resentment, rage, helplessness – offer help to yourself as well . Drink water, breathe deeply. Do not fall into a childish position and primitive acting out. Try to remain an adult and reliable parent for your child at such a difficult moment for him.
A constructive conversation about the subject of hysteria is possible only after some time after the person calms down. The child cannot hear anyone or anything from the outside - while inside he is filled with rage, grief and a sense of injustice.
