7 ways how to discipline your child

How to discipline your child the smart and healthy way

There comes a time when every parent struggles with how best to discipline their child. Whether dealing with a screaming toddler or an angry teen, it can be hard to control your temper. No parent wants to find themselves in such a situation and the bottom line is that shouting and physical violence never help.

Thankfully, there are other, more effective ways and one of them is positive discipline. We consulted Lucie Cluver, Oxford University professor of Child and Family Social Work and mother of two young boys, to explore how the approach can help parents build positive relationships with their children and teach skills like responsibility, cooperation and self-discipline.

There are no bad children, only bad behaviour.

Why positive discipline?

“Parents don't want to shout or hit their kids. We do it because we're stressed and don't see another way,” says Professor Cluver.

The evidence is clear: shouting and hitting simply do not work and can do more harm than good in the long run. Repeated shouting and hitting can even adversely impact a child’s entire life. The continued “toxic stress” it creates can lead to a host of negative outcomes like higher chances of school dropout, depression, drug use, suicide and heart disease.

“It’s like saying: here's this medicine, it's not going to help you and it's going to make you sick,” says Professor Cluver. “When we know something doesn't work, that's a pretty good reason to look for a different approach.”

Rather than punishment and what not to do, the positive discipline approach puts an emphasis on developing a healthy relationship with your child and setting expectations around behaviour. The good news for every parent is it works and here’s how you can start putting it into practice:

1. Plan 1-on-1 time

One-on-one time is important for building any good relationship and even more so with your children. “It can be 20 minutes a day. Or even 5 minutes. You can combine it with something like washing dishes together while you sing a song or chatting while you're hanging out the washing,” says Professor Cluver. “What's really important is that you focus on your child. So, you turn your TV off, you turn your phone off, you get to their level and it's you and them.”

2. Praise the positives

As parents we often focus on our children’s bad behaviour and call it out. Children may read this as a way to get your attention, perpetuating poor conduct rather than putting a stop to it.

Children thrive on praise. It makes them feel loved and special. “Watch out for when they're doing something good and praise them, even if that thing is just playing for five minutes with their sibling,” recommends Professor Cluver. “This can encourage good behaviour and reduce the need for discipline.”

3. Set clear expectations

“Telling your child exactly what you want them to do is much more effective than telling them what not to do,” says Professor Cluver. “When you ask a child to not make a mess, or to be good, they don't necessarily understand what they're required to do.” Clear instructions like “Please pick up all of your toys and put them in the box” set a clear expectation and increase the likelihood that they'll do what you’re asking.

“But it's important to set realistic expectations. Asking them to stay quiet for a whole day may not be as manageable as asking for 10 minutes of quiet time while you have a phone call,” says Professor Cluver. “You know what your child is capable of. But if you ask for the impossible, they are going to fail.”

4. Distract creatively

When your child is being difficult, distracting them with a more positive activity can be a useful strategy says Professor Cluver. “When you distract them towards something else – by changing the topic, introducing a game, leading them into another room, or going for a walk, you can successfully divert their energy towards positive behaviour.”

Timing is also crucial. Distraction is also about spotting when things are about to go wrong and taking action. Being mindful of when your child is starting to become fidgety, irritable or annoyed, or when two siblings are eyeing the same toy, can help diffuse a potential situation before it becomes one.

5. Use calm consequences

Part of growing up is learning that if you do something, something can happen as a result. Defining this for your child is a simple process that encourages better behaviour while teaching them about responsibility.

Give your child a chance to do the right thing by explaining the consequences of their bad behaviour. As an example, if you want your child to stop scribbling on the walls, you can tell them to stop or else you will end their play time. This provides them with a warning and an opportunity to change their behaviour.

If they don’t stop, follow through with the consequences calmly and without showing anger, “and give yourself credit for that – it’s not easy!” adds Professor Cluver.

If they do stop, give them lots of praise for it, recommends Professor Cluver. “What you are doing is creating a positive feedback loop for your child. Calm consequences have been shown to be effective for kids to learn about what happens when they behave badly.”

Being consistent is a key factor in positive parenting, which is why following through with the consequences is important. And so is making them realistic. “You can take a teenager's phone away for an hour but taking it away for a week might be difficult to follow through on.”

Engaging with younger children

One-on-one time can be fun – and it’s completely free! “You can copy their expressions, bang spoons against pots, or sing together,” adds Professor Cluver. “There’s amazing research showing that playing with your children boosts their brain development.”

Engaging with older children

Like younger children, teenagers seek praise and want to be thought of as good. One-on-one time is still important to them. “They love it if you dance around the room with them or engage in a conversation about their favourite singer,” says Professor Cluver. “They may not always show it, but they do. And, it's an effective way of building a relationship on their terms.”

While setting expectations, “ask them to help make some of the rules,” suggests Professor Cluver. “Sit them down and try to agree on the household dos and don'ts. They can also help decide what the consequences for unacceptable behaviour will be. Being involved in the process helps them know that you understand they're becoming their own independent beings.”

Advice for parents during the COVID-19 pandemic

The pandemic has brought about sudden and drastic changes in the lives of families with parents directly in the middle of it. Here are some tips that can help parents get through these and any other stressful times:

1. Pause

We all know the stress when we feel our child is being difficult. At moments like these, being present and stepping back is a simple and useful tactic. Hit the “pause button”, as Professor Cluver calls it. “Take five deep breaths, slowly and carefully and you'll notice you are able to respond in a calmer, more considered way. Parents across the world say that just taking that pause is enormously helpful.”

2. Step back

Parents often forget to care for themselves, says Professor Cluver. “Take some time for yourself, such as when the kids are asleep, to do something that makes you feel happy and calm. It's really hard to do all the things right as a parent, when you haven't given yourself a break.”

3. Praise yourself

It’s easy to forget the astonishing job you do as a parent every day and you should give yourself the credit, advises Professor Cluver. “Each day, maybe while brushing your teeth, take a moment to ask: ‘What was one thing I did really well with my kids today?’ And, just know that you did something great.”

“We might be in and out of isolation, but you are absolutely not alone,” she says. “Millions of parents across the world are all trying and we're all failing sometimes. And then we're trying again. We’ll survive this together.”

> Explore more COVID-19 parenting tips

What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child?

Family Life

As a parent, one of your jobs to teach your child to behave. It's a job that takes time and patience. But, it helps to learn the effective and healthy discipline strategies.

Here are some tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) on the best ways to help your child learn acceptable behavior as they grow.

10 healthy discipline strategies that work

The AAP recommends positive discipline strategies that effectively teach children to manage their behavior and keep them from harm while promoting healthy development. These include:

Show and tell. Teach children right from wrong with calm words and actions. Model behaviors you would like to see in your children.
Set limits. Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in age-appropriate terms they can understand.
Give consequences. Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if they don't behave. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. Be prepared to follow through right away. Don't give in by giving them back after a few minutes. But remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.
Hear them out. Listening is important. Let your child finish the story before helping solve the problem. Watch for times when misbehavior has a pattern, like if your child is feeling jealous. Talk with your child about this rather than just giving consequences.
Give them your attention. The most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention—to reinforce good behaviors and discourage others. Remember, all children want their parent's attention.
Catch them being good. Children need to know when they do something bad--and when they do something good. Notice good behavior and point it out, praising success and good tries. Be specific (for example, "Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!").
Know when not to respond. As long as your child isn't doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behavior, ignoring bad behavior can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring bad behavior can also teach children natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before she learns not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys.
Be prepared for trouble. Plan ahead for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare them for upcoming activities and how you want them to behave.
Redirect bad behavior. Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don't know any better. Find something else for your child to do.
Call a time-out. A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is broken. This discipline tool works best by warning children they will get a time out if they don't stop, reminding them what they did wrong in as few words―and with as little emotion―as possible, and removing them from the situation for a pre-set length of time (1 minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). With children who are at least 3 years old, you can try letting their children lead their own time-out instead of setting a timer. You can just say, "Go to time out and come back when you feel ready and in control." This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well for older children and teens.

Spanking and harsh words are harmful and don't work. Here's why:

The AAP policy statement, "Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children," highlights why it's important to focus on teaching good behavior rather than punishing bad behavior. Research shows that spanking, slapping and other forms of physical punishment don't work well to correct a child's behavior. The same holds true for yelling at or shaming a child. Beyond being ineffective, harsh physical and verbal punishments can also damage a child's long-term physical and mental health.

Spanking's unhealthy cycle. The AAP advises that parents and caregivers should not spank or hit children. Instead of teaching responsibility and self-control, spanking often increases aggression and anger in children. A study of children born in 20 large U.S. cities found that families who used physical punishment got caught in a negative cycle: the more children were spanked, the more they later misbehaved, which prompted more spankings in response. Spanking's effects may also be felt beyond the parent-child relationship. Because it teaches that causing someone pain is OK if you're frustrated—even with those you love. Children who are spanked may be more likely to hit others when they don't get what they want.
Lasting marks. Physical punishment increases the risk of injury, especially in children under 18 months of age, and may leave other measurable marks on the brain and body. Children who are spanked show higher levels of hormones tied to toxic stress. Physical punishment may also affect brain development. One study found that young adults who were spanked repeatedly had less gray matter, the part of the brain involved with self-control, and performed lower on IQ tests as young adults than the control group.
Verbal abuse: How words hurt. Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame also has been found to be ineffective and harmful. Harsh verbal discipline, even by parents who are otherwise warm and loving, can lead to more misbehavior and mental health problems in children. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavior problems and symptoms of depression in teens.

Learn from mistakes—including your own

Remember that, as a parent, you can give yourself a time out if you feel out of control. Just make sure your child is in a safe place, and then give yourself a few minutes to take a few deep breaths, relax or call a friend. When you are feeling better, go back to your child, hug each other, and start over.

If you do not handle a situation well the first time, try not to worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently and try to do it the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your child a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

Healthy & effective discipline tips by age/stage

Infants	Babies learn by watching what you do, so set examples of behavior you expect. Use positive language to guide your baby. For example, say, "Time to sit," rather than, "Don't stand." Save the word, "no," for the most important issues, like safety. Limit the need to say "no" by putting dangerous or tempting objects out of reach. Distracting and replacing a dangerous or forbidden object with one that is okay to play with is a good strategy at this age. All children, including babies, need consistent discipline, so talk with your partner, family members, and child care provider to set basic rules everyone follows.
Toddlers	Your child is starting to recognize what's allowed and what isn't but may test some rules to see how you react. Pay attention to and praise behaviors you like and ignore those you want to discourage. Redirect to a different activity when needed. Tantrums can become more common as your child struggles to master new skills and situations. Anticipate tantrum triggers, like being tired or hungry, and help head them off with well-timed naps and meals. Teach your toddler not to hit, bite, or use other aggressive behaviors. Model nonviolent behavior by not spanking your toddler and by handling conflict with your partner in a constructive way. Stay consistent in enforcing limits. Try short time-outs if needed. Acknowledge conflicts between siblings but avoid taking sides. For example, if an argument arises about a toy, the toy can be put away.
Preschool Age	Preschool-age children are still trying to understand how and why things work and what effect their actions have. As they learn appropriate behavior, expect them to continue testing the limits of parents and siblings. Begin assigning age-appropriate chores, like putting their toys away. Give simple, step-by-step directions. Reward them with praise. Allow your child to make choices among acceptable alternatives, redirecting and setting sensible limits. Teach your child to treat others as she wants to be treated. Explain that it's OK to feel mad sometimes, but not to hurt someone or break things. Teach them how to deal with angry feelings in positive ways, like talking about it. To resolve conflicts, use time-outs or remove the source of conflict.
Gradeschool-Age Children	Your child is beginning to get a sense of right and wrong. Talk about the choices they have in difficult situations, what are the good and bad options, and what might come next depending on how they decide to act. Talk about family expectations and reasonable consequences for not following family rules. Provide a balance of privileges and responsibility, giving children more privileges when they follow rules of good behavior. Continue to teach and model patience, concern and respect for others. Don't let yourself or others use physical punishment. If you live in an area where corporal punishment is allowed in schools, you have the right to say that your child may not be spanked.
Adolescents & Teens	As your teen develops more independent decision-making skills, you'll need to balance your unconditional love and support with clear expectations, rules, and boundaries. Continue to show plenty of affection and attention. Make time every day to talk. Young people are more likely to make healthy choices if they stay connected with family members. Get to know your teen's friends and talk about responsible and respectful relationships. Acknowledge your teen's efforts, achievements, and success in what they do―and don't do. Praise the choice to avoid using tobacco, e-cigarettes, alcohol, or other drugs. Set a good example through your own responsible use of alcohol and other substances.

More information

15 Tips to Survive the Terrible 3's
How to Shape and Manage Your Young Child's Behavior
Disciplining Older Children
How to Give a Time-Out
Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children (AAP Policy Statement)

Last Updated: 11/5/2018

Source: American Academy of Pediatrics (Copyright © 2018)

The information contained on this Web site should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.

How to teach a child to discipline?

"He will walk on my string!" - this is not discipline, it is a way of moral pressure on a child. And a very harmful way. For many parents and teachers, the word "discipline" is really associated with getting up at 6 in the morning, dousing with cold water, a ruler that rises and falls on a "crooked" back. No no and one more time no. Children should not live in the conditions of a military camp, but they will need the ability to understand the rules and follow them already in elementary school, not to mention adulthood.

It is at school that a small person for the first time and fully takes on the burden of responsibility and demands that falls on his shoulders. Yes, perhaps some parents believe that a child should grow up in an atmosphere of complete freedom. But what will the baby do in the classroom, where they are asked to sit still and not scream from the spot, when at home he could walk on his head? It's hard to accept complaints. But it will be much easier for a collected child to study better, to enter into new role relationships and communication.

Why does a first grader need discipline? We wrote about this in our material published on social networks.

1. Set house rules

No matter how old your child is, 5 or 10, he must understand the difference between appropriate behavior and behavior that is unacceptable. Let the child know what is expected of him, as well as what will follow from breaking the rules.
It is important to remember that the rules must be rational, and you must be able to answer the child's question about the meaning of the established norms.

- Mommy, why can't I-I-I? - Kolya asks, raising his eyebrows and already cursing.
– Because I said so! – threateningly frowning mum cuts off.

This is not an answer, this is a go-ahead that has no authority and leaves a negative. Explain to children the reasons for your decisions, they should see that they are not fulfilling your whim, but a rule that is useful to them.

Yes, of course, the rules and consequences of disobedience will greatly depend on the age of the child. While the kid needs to be explained that fighting is not good, it is already important for a teenager of 11 years old to explain why he should be at home at 20:00. And be flexible - what is right for elementary grades is no longer true for younger teens. Growing up, children expand their boundaries (chicks don’t live in a shell, do they?), and if you don’t help them with this in time, the shell will burst itself, and you will find yourself immersed in the abyss of conflicts.

2. Daily routines and habits

It turns out that a routine can also be useful if it turns into good habits. Little traditions and rituals make the child feel safe, even if it's right to "pull the doorknob again to see if you've closed the door."
If you notice, for example, that your child's behavior worsens when he gets tired (or vice versa - pampering comes from a lack of activity), pay attention to this and create "cases" that will help meet the right needs.

Put the baby to bed and wake him up at the same time - what is predictable is not so traumatic.
If sudden changes appear in the schedule of the day - for example, going to visit or to the doctor, inform about it in advance, without delaying until the last.
Some children cannot calmly "jump" from one activity to another. Treat this with understanding and make "buffer" zones during which restructuring will take place. For kids, it can be a fairy tale between games and lunch, for schoolchildren it can be a break between lessons or homework.

Q&A. Is it possible to put a child in a corner?
Possible. The point is to leave the naughty child alone. If you send him to your room, he will take up toys, and it is important to give him time to think about his behavior. The scheme is simple: how much time the child has, how many minutes he is standing in the corner.

3. Discuss the consequences

Describe to the child a clear causal relationship between how he behaves and what follows. Follow the established rules without exception. For example, if you can’t climb trees in a park, then you can’t always, and not only when « you are wearing such a clean white shirt! » . Ask the child for his own opinion: “What do you think should be done if you are late for lunch? After all, the soup will already be cold, you will have to eat like this ... " - and let him have the opportunity to think about his own behavior.

Make sure the punishment or "consequences" are appropriate. In no case should they humiliate the child!
Consequence should help the child learn from mistakes. Putting away toys yourself, putting a dirty cup in the sink and washing it yourself, even trying cold soup because of digging at the computer - all this is much more useful than standing in the corner for an hour.
Show the child a direct consequence: if you are going for a long walk, then the walk itself will be shorter.

Q&A. How can children be punished?
Deprive them of their natural physiological needs: do not let them go to the toilet, deprive them of food and walks in the fresh air. Do not give sweets - this is a possible scenario.

4. The rule is the rule

This has already been said above, but I would like to dwell on this point in more detail. Watch your words and follow the rules that you have set. Many parents and teachers have a habit of making exceptions: overlooking or overlooking things that are not in the correct order, allowing some activities "for the very last time" and promising that sanctions will come next time: "I'll see this again, and then for sure. .." . All this, firstly, undermines your authority, and secondly, it confuses the child, blurring the boundaries of what is permitted.

Even if your child has an excuse, be simple in your clarity: "Olya, you broke the rule, that means...".
If you have several children (attention, teachers!), then remember that the rules should be equal for everyone. What is impossible for Katya is also impossible for Sasha. What is possible for Zhenya is also possible for Vanya. Otherwise, the children will (and quite rightly) decide that you are not being fair to them.

5. Have realistic expectations

If you have a hyperactive first grader (we already wrote about how to work with such children), then you should not expect that, because of your requirements, he will instantly learn to sit up straight, raise his arm perpendicular to the desk, not fidget and generally behave like an exemplary representative of the cadet school.

Setting the standard of behavior too high can make the child feel overwhelmed. Too low a level of requirements, on the contrary, can lead to the fact that the student does not develop his potential (for example, perseverance). All children are different and can have both weaknesses and strengths. Moreover, at different ages, children objectively differ in their behavior: first-graders make noise, children of 8-11 years old fight, and teenagers hold back and rebel. Try to get familiar with what the norm looks like for your child's age group.

The theme of education is one of the most popular in our social networks. Educational games, therapeutic fairy tales and techniques.

How to discipline a child and teach him order

Does your child have problems with discipline and order? Are you looking for effective ways and methods of influencing a child in order to develop discipline in him? Then learn how to discipline your child so that he controls his behavior and does not test your patience.

The essence of this advice is to influence the child, respect his dignity, be a follower and keep calm. These ways of taking a positive approach to discipline will help you instill discipline in your children.

But these tips don't work like a magic wand. Because there are no quick methods for accustoming children to order and discipline. This takes a lot of time and patience. Only then will you achieve long-term results.

Article content

What does it mean to discipline a child

To discipline means to disseminate knowledge in order to teach, educate and instill skills. It means teaching according to established rules in the family and society. Teach systematic and regular actions to form the habit of obedience in the child.

How to discipline a child

Disciplining a child, and even correctly, is not an easy task. Some children are too sensitive and easily vulnerable to even mild reproaches. While others are not amenable to physical punishment. Therefore, there is still a lot of controversy about the methods and proper ways to discipline children.

However, all experts agree that excessive physical punishment only causes harm and does nothing good for the child. This means that constantly spanking children is not the best method of discipline, it should be avoided.

Sometimes you have to punish, but you can't abuse it. For example, to annoy and offend your children with constant reproaches, remarks, restrictions or rules that are constantly multiplying. This can be discouraging for children.

Important to remember : anger, inconsistency and discipline are incompatible concepts. The child must be disciplined with love and logic.

1. Correct and discipline with love

When a child tries and copes with his duties or assignments, then do not skimp on praise. But what if they don’t succeed or they often make mistakes? This is not a reason to get angry or yell at children. (Read 115 phrases and words of praise for children with which you can bring them down).

Aren't you ever wrong? As adults, we make excuses for ourselves. So why not be patient and justify the child when he is wrong. Treat mistakes as part of discipline.

Writers Michael Shulman and Eva Makler wrote:

If children are treated kindly and with love, then they are not afraid of punishment for their independence and initiative. And quite differently with the children of harsh parents. Their children are afraid to take the initiative and be independent. Because they are sure that parents will still find fault with something, will scold them or punish them. Therefore, they will not take a step without their knowledge.

Even if the children are not doing well on an assignment, praise them for their efforts. This will encourage them to try harder next time. Reassure the children that they are getting better and better every time. And you are proud of it.

Remember , if you discipline a child with love and accustom him to order, then this will only benefit him, both now and in adulthood.

2. Teach order and discipline through personal example

Like it or not, your children are watching you. No matter how much valuable advice and rules you give them, your daily behavior will leave a deeper and more permanent imprint on their character than your words. And before thinking about disciplining a child, parents should apply it to themselves. How to do it?

In order for your child to be honest, then you need to be honest yourself. If you want children to be polite, then set an example with your manners at home and on the street. And the child should not see that there is no agreement between the parents, but there is a difference of opinion.

For example, when one of the parents supports the child and allows him what the other parent has forbidden. Who then disciplines whom? Because of this, any efforts to instill useful skills in a child are nullified.

It is not the parents who discipline the child, but the child of the parents

3. It is necessary to discipline the child through the loss of privileges

Your goal is not to force the children to obey, but so that they learn to make better choices in the future. And for that, they need practice. If the children make the wrong choice, then teach them that the consequence will be the loss of the privilege. The loss must be related to behavior.

Be sure to let them know when the privileges can be returned. Usually 24 hours is enough to teach a child to learn from their mistake. In practice, it may look like this: “For your disobedience, you will not watch TV or play games until tomorrow. But tomorrow, if you obey, you can use them again.”

4. Reward your child's good behavior

When punishment is the primary instrument of discipline, parents forget to reward their children for appropriate behavior. Meanwhile, using rewards, you can get much more, as well as quickly correct bad behavior.

Rewards help the child focus on what to do to get privileges and what to avoid. This does not mean that children should be given a chocolate bar every time they do household chores. It is enough to praise the child, for example: “I am proud of you. ”

If there are several children, give the most attention and praise to those who follow the rules and behave well. Then, when the other child starts behaving well, also praise him and give him attention.

5. Teach discipline through teaching

When you think about how to discipline your child, it is important to remember the root meaning of the word teach, instruct, guide, inform . Therefore, the best way to discipline children is to teach them to make better choices through good and correct behavior.

What should I do if my child has communication problems? Or does he fight with other children for toys or games? Instead of punishing, soften the situation and show him the appropriate way to resolve children's differences. For example: “Can I play this game too when you're done? Let's take turns playing it, one hour you, and one hour I. You start first." (Read 36 rules for good communication with children, which will help you to talk to your child correctly).

If your child is trying to get attention by whining or complaining, ignore him. Look the other way, pretend you don't hear him, and don't answer. Say that you do not hear whining or complaints, but hear a polite request.

And when he politely asks and behaves well, return your attention to him. Over time, he will understand that good behavior and polite requests are the best way to satisfy his needs.

And don't wait that your child will learn order and discipline with multiple explanations. Only constant practice makes progress, and progress will make your home more peaceful.

How to discipline a teenager

Teenagers are starting to spread their wings and want to stay away from home longer and spend more time with their peers. Therefore, they are ready to argue and deceive their parents at any opportunity, especially if they think that they are behaving unfairly.

Here are 3 discipline tips to try with your teenager.

Do not impose. As you set rules and limits, involve your teen in the process. Explain your position, listen to him, and then find a compromise where possible. For example, what if a 12 year old wants to go to bed at 10pm instead of 9pm? Then the compromise would be 9:30, but on the condition that he does not fall asleep in class.
Use the words, " when and then". When you do your homework then you can play computer games. Phrases like this are good for teenagers because you are still giving your child free will. (I recommend reading the article on how to increase your teenager's self-esteem).
Have clear expectations. The phrase “I will not tolerate rudeness” should be number one on your list. When your teen uses a cheeky tone (shouting, calling names, humiliating or insulting), respond immediately. Make it clear that you expect respect. So telling you to “relax” when you are talking to him is unacceptable.

Benefits of discipline for a child

It helps the child to fit into the real world happily and effectively. Helps develop and maintain trust between parents and child.
Disciplined person attentive to the needs of others and purposeful. If necessary, can tolerate discomfort.
Instills values shared by parents and people close to the child.

Purpose of disciplining the child

Change the child's behavior. This process takes a long time and must be continuous. Therefore, it includes a lot of conversations, communication, clarifications, training. It is important that the child understands that there is a certain norm of behavior that is acceptable in the family and society.
The goal of effective discipline is not to set limits, but to instill restraint and self-control in the child. This is learning, not a desire for blind obedience.
The basis for disciplining a child is respect. The child must respect the authority of the parents, as well as the right of elders to give instructions.
Protect the child from danger, help him develop self-discipline, conscience, a sense of responsibility towards himself and others.

Read practical methods on how to develop self-discipline.

Mistakes to avoid

Do not discipline your child. If you do not discipline your children, then the parents do not like them. Therefore, you cannot claim the mutual love of your children.
Be inconsistent in the application of discipline. Inconsistency leads to disrespect for parental authority.
The next mistake is not paying attention to children's tears. A child should not be allowed to cry for a long time when no one pays attention to him. Feeling insecure at this stage can cause problems later in life.
Severe, harsh discipline without the softening effect of love. Humiliation, verbal abuse, yelling, name-calling, or spanking will backfire. It will be difficult for a child to respect and trust his parents.
A violent reaction to a child's pranks. Children annoy parents in many ways, which is why many parents find it difficult to decide how to properly discipline a child. Afraid of making a mistake and appearing too soft, they react violently to any childish pranks. But as a result, the behavior of children only worsens. There is a good quote on this.

Parents will never be able to raise wise men if they kill rascals in their children!

Obstacles to effective child discipline

Inconsistency between parents is the main obstacle to the development of discipline in a child. When children see that the requirements of parents are different, then they are confused. They do not know whom to listen to and whose demands to fulfill.
The crazy pace of modern society can be an obstacle to the effective education of discipline in a child. Because of this pace, parents do not have enough time to engage with their children.
Parents simply have no idea about the correct upbringing of a child. (I recommend reading some tips on how to properly raise your child without resorting to spanking)