Teenager having baby

When Your Teen Is Having a Baby (for Parents)

If your daughter is pregnant and planning to have the baby, many changes await your family. And though it's certainly not what most parents expect, it happens every day: nearly 250,000 teenage girls in the United States give birth every year.

If your teen is about to become a mother (or your son has fathered a child), it can be overwhelming for all of you. How can you support your child through the challenges that lie ahead?

What You May Be Feeling

If you have just learned that your teen is having a baby, you're probably experiencing a wide range of emotions, from shock and disappointment to grief and worry about the future.

Some parents feel a sense of guilt, thinking that if only they'd done more to protect their child this wouldn't have happened. And although some parents are embarrassed by their teen's pregnancy and worried about how family, friends, and neighbors will react, others are happy about the news of a soon-to-be grandchild — especially if the teen is older and in a mature relationship.

Whatever feelings you're experiencing, this is likely to be a difficult time for your family. The important thing is that your teen needs you now more than ever. Being able to communicate with each other — especially when emotions are running high — is essential. Teens who carry a baby to term have special health concerns, and your daughter will have a healthier pregnancy — emotionally and physically — if she knows she doesn't have to go it alone.

So what can you do as the parent of a teen having a baby? Recognize your feelings and work through them so that you can accept and support her. Does that mean you don't have the right to feel disappointed and even angry? No. Such reactions are common. You might have a strong flood of emotions to deal with, especially at first. But the reality of the upcoming baby means that you'll have to get beyond your initial feelings for the sake of your daughter and her child.

If you need help coping with your feelings about the situation, talk to someone you trust or seek professional counseling. A neutral third party can be a great resource at a time like this.

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What Your Teen May Be Feeling

Just a short time ago your teen's biggest concerns might have been hanging out with her friends and wondering what clothes to wear. Now she's dealing with morning sickness and scheduling prenatal visits. Her world has been turned upside down.

Most unmarried teens don't plan on becoming pregnant, and they're often terrified when it happens. Many, particularly younger teens, keep the news of their pregnancies secret because they fear the anger and disappointment of their parents. Some might even deny to themselves that they are pregnant — which makes it even more important for parents to step in and find medical care for their teen as early in the pregnancy as possible. Younger teens' pregnancies, in particular, are considered high risk because their bodies haven't finished growing and are not yet fully mature.

Teen boys who are going to become fathers also need the involvement of their parents. Although some boys may welcome the chance to be involved with their children, others feel frightened and guilty and may need to be encouraged to face their responsibilities (the father is legally responsible for child support in every state).

That doesn't mean, however, that you should pressure your teen son or daughter into an unwanted marriage. Offer advice, but remember that forcing your opinions on your teen or using threats is likely to backfire in the long run. There's no "one size fits all" solution here. Open communication between you and your teen will help as you consider the future.

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Special Concerns of Pregnant Teens

Even though most teen girls are biologically able to produce healthy babies, whether they do often depends on whether they receive adequate medical care — especially in those critical early months of pregnancy.

Teens who receive proper medical care and take care of themselves are more likely to have healthy babies. Those who don't receive medical care are at greater risk for:

fetal death
high blood pressure
anemia
labor and delivery complications (such as premature labor and stillbirth)
low birth-weight infant

The earlier your teen gets prenatal care, the better her chances for a healthy pregnancy, so bring her to the doctor as soon as possible after finding out she's pregnant. If you need help finding medical care, check with social service groups in the community or at your child's school.

Your teen's health care provider can tell her what to expect during her pregnancy, how to take care of herself and her growing baby, and how to prepare for life as a parent.

Some topics that will be addressed include:

Medical Care

At her first prenatal visit, your teen will probably be given a full physical exam, including blood and urine tests. She'll be screened for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and for exposure to certain diseases, such as measles, mumps, and rubella.

Her health care provider also will discuss:

how often prenatal visits should be scheduled
what she may be feeling physically and emotionally
what changes she can expect in her body
how to deal with some of the uncomfortable side effects of pregnancy, like nausea and vomiting

Knowing what to expect can help alleviate some of the fears your daughter may have about being pregnant. Her health care provider will probably prescribe a daily prenatal vitamin to make sure she gets enough folic acid, iron, and calcium. Folic acid is especially important during the early weeks of pregnancy, when it plays a role in the healthy development of the neural tube (the structure that develops into the brain and spinal cord).

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Lifestyle Changes

Your teen's health care provider will talk about the lifestyle changes she'll have to make for the health of her baby, including:

not smoking (smoking while pregnant increases the risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, low birth weight, and sudden infant death syndrome)
not drinking (alcohol causes mental and physical birth defects)
not using drugs (drugs are associated with pregnancy complications and fetal death)
not taking in more than 200 mg per day of caffeine (the amount in a 12-ounce cup of coffee)
eating right
getting enough rest
avoiding risky sexual behaviors (such as having unsafe sex)

If your daughter smokes or uses alcohol or other drugs, her health care provider can offer ways to help her quit.

Nutrition

Fast food, soft drinks, sweets — teen diets are notoriously unbalanced. Eating well greatly increases your teen's chances of having a healthy baby, so encourage her to maintain a well-balanced diet that includes plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole-grain breads (use the U.S. Department of Agriculture's MyPlate as a guide).

Important nutrients include:

proteins (lean meat, fish, poultry, egg whites, beans, peanut butter, tofu)
calcium (milk and other dairy products)
iron (lean red meats, spinach, iron-fortified cereals)
folic acid (green leafy vegetables, beans, peas, fortified cereals)

Drinking plenty of water is essential, too.

Pregnancy is not the time for your daughter to go on a diet. When pregnant, some teens might be tempted to counter normal pregnancy weight gain by cutting calories or exercising excessively — both of which can seriously harm their babies.

If you suspect that your teen has an unhealthy preoccupation with her weight, talk to her health care provider.

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Exercise

If your teen was physically fit before getting pregnant and is not experiencing any pregnancy complications, her health care provider will probably encourage her to continue exercising.

Most women benefit from getting some exercise during pregnancy, although they might have to modify their activity. Low-impact exercises, such as walking and swimming, are best. Have your daughter discuss her exercise plans with her health care provider early on.

Stress

Most teens enter parenthood unprepared for the stress a new baby brings, and many experience frustration, resentment, and even anger toward their newborns — which may explain why teen parents are at higher risk for abusing and neglecting their babies.

You may want to talk with your teen's doctor to discuss ways you can help her manage her stress levels so that she can better cope with changes in her life. She also may want to spend some time with other parents of newborns to get a better sense of what caring for a baby involves.

Prenatal Classes

Your daughter's health care provider will probably recommend that she take classes on pregnancy, giving birth, and parenting. These classes (some of which are held just for teens) can help prepare her for the practical side of parenthood by teaching skills such as feeding, diapering, child safety, and other basic baby care techniques.

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Preparing for New Responsibilities

Many practical issues must be considered. Will your teen keep the baby or consider adoption? If she keeps it, will she raise the baby herself? Will she continue to go to school? Will the father be involved in the baby's life? Who will be financially responsible for the baby?

The answers to these questions often depend on the support your daughter receives. Some teens raise their child alone, some have the involvement of the baby's father, and some rely on their families for support.

As a parent, you need to think about your own level of involvement and commitment and discuss it with your teen. How much support — financial and otherwise — are you willing and able to offer? Will your daughter and her child live with you? Will you help pay for food, clothing, doctor visits, and necessary items like a car seat and stroller? Can you assist with childcare while your she's at school and/or work? A social worker or counselor can help you and your teen sort through some of these issues.

If at all possible, it's best for girls who are pregnant to finish school so they can get better jobs and create a better life for themselves and their babies. This is no easy task — 60% to 70% of all pregnant teens drop out of school. And going back after quitting is especially hard, so try to offer your daughter the support she needs to stay in school — both she and the baby will benefit. Check for school and community programs that offer special services for teen mothers, such as childcare, transportation, or tutoring.

Help your teen understand that as rewarding as having a child is, it isn't always fun — caring for a baby is a huge responsibility and a lifelong commitment. Prepare her for the reality that she won't have as much time for the things she used to do — that her life is about change and the baby will take priority.

As a parent, you can have a great impact on your teen's life and on her baby's. You may still wish that she had made different choices. But by supporting your daughter, making sure she gets good prenatal care, and listening as she shares her fears and anxieties, both of you may find that you're better parents in the long run.

Reviewed by: Steven Dowshen, MD

Date reviewed: September 2016

About Teen Pregnancy | CDC

The US teen birth rate (births per 1,000 females aged 15 to 19 years) has been declining since 1991. Teen birth rates continued to decline from 17.4 per 1,000 females in 2018 to 16.7 per 1,000 females in 2019. This is another record low for US teens and a decrease of 4% from 2018.^1,2 Birth rates fell 7% for females aged 15 to 17 years and 4% for females aged 18 to 19 years. ²

Although reasons for the declines are not totally clear, evidence suggests these declines are due to more teens abstaining from sexual activity, and more teens who are sexually active using birth control than in previous years.^{3, 4}

Still, the US teen birth rate is substantially higher than in other western industrialized nations,⁵and racial/ethnic and geographic disparities in teen birth rates persist.^1,2

Disparities in Teen Birth Rates

Teen birth rates declined from 2018 to 2019 for several racial groups and for Hispanics.^1,2 Among 15- to 19-year-olds, teen birth rates decreased:

5.2% for Hispanic females.
5.8% for non-Hispanic White females.
1.9% for non-Hispanic Black females.

Rates for non-Hispanic American Indian/Alaska Natives (AI/AN), non-Hispanic Asians, and non-Hispanic Native Hawaiian, and other Pacific Islander teenagers were unchanged.

In 2019, the birth rates for Hispanic teens (25. 3) and non-Hispanic Black teens (25.8) were more than two times higher than the rate for non-Hispanic White teens (11.4). The birth rate of American Indian/Alaska Native teens (29.2) was highest among all race/ethnicities.¹

Birth Rates for Females Aged 15 to 19 Years, by Race and Hispanic Origin of Mother: United States, 2018 and 2019

Data source: Martin JA, Hamilton BE, Osterman MJK, Driscoll AK. Births: final data for 2019. Natl Vital Stat Rep. 2021;70(2):1–50.

Geographic differences in teen birth rates persist, both within and across states. Although among states with low overall teen birth rates, some counties have high teen birth rates.⁶

Social determinants of health, such as low education and low income levels of a teen’s family, may contribute to high teen birth rates.⁷ Teens in certain settings are at higher risk of teen pregnancy and birth than other groups. For example, young women living in foster care are more than twice as likely to become pregnant than young women not in foster care. ⁸

To improve the life opportunities of adolescents facing significant health disparities and to have the greatest effect on overall US teen birth rates, CDC uses data to inform and direct interventions and resources to areas with the greatest need.

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Evidence-based teen pregnancy prevention programs have been identified by the US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) Teen Pregnancy Prevention Evidence Reviewexternal icon, which used a systematic process for reviewing evaluation studies against a rigorous standard. The Evidence Review covers a variety of diverse programs, including sexuality education programs, youth development programs, abstinence education programs, clinic-based programs, and programs specifically designed for diverse populations and settings. In addition to evidence-based prevention programs, teens need access to youth-friendly reproductive health services and support from parents and other trusted adults, who can play an important role in helping teens make healthy choices about relationships, sex, and birth control. Efforts at the community level that address social and economic factors associated with teen pregnancy also play a critical role in addressing racial/ethnic and geographical disparities observed in teen births in the United States.

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Family Tree - Beware of teenagers! Survival guide for parents

Advice from Ekaterina Burmistrova, psychologist, mother of eleven children, presenter of the series of lectures and consultations “13–19. Survive puberty»

How to understand what has begun?

If earlier the transitional period began at 12-14 years old, today this age is already the peak of puberty, while girls mature earlier than boys. The first sign that the child has begun hormonal changes is the smell of sweat.

The most unstable age for girls is the year before the onset of menstruation, for boys it is before the growth spurt. Of course, it is easier to notice that a boy is growing than to guess that a girl will soon begin her period. That's why it's usually harder for parents of daughters to understand what's going on with their child.

The beginning of protest behavior is difficult to miss — any requests, advice and care are met with hostility. The more parents ask questions, the more actively they try to understand what is happening, the stronger the teenager closes, the more tightly the “shell slams shut”. At such moments, parents may feel confused and helpless: “What if the child needs help and I don’t know about it?”

I'm nearby, I hear you, I don't touch you

When a child is upset about something, but it's impossible to talk to him, the approach that Ekaterina Burmistrova called "Request to land" helps. The point is not to put pressure on the child, but, at the same time, to be there. For example, you could say something like this: “ I can see that you are upset about something. When you're ready, let's talk. I care what happens to you and maybe I can help . ” No pressure, no questioning, no irritation.

This approach does not guarantee that the child will make contact. In some situations, he will want to talk to you, and in some he will not. It is worth accepting that now you will not know everything about him. It is more important that the child understands that you are there, ready to listen and help.

Remember yourself in puberty. Have you told your parents everything?

Much more often, teenagers share with friends, reputable teachers or coaches, other adult relatives: aunts, uncles, older brothers and sisters. Or they don't say anything at all.

If you are worried about something in your child's behavior, but you can't get in touch, think about who he trusts, with whom he could share, and ask this person for help.

It is very difficult for adults to accept that their children are moving away. This is a crisis not only for teenagers, but for parents too. It is important to understand that these are not whims, not depravity, but a natural process. If the family recognizes the fact that the child is growing up, and accordingly changes their attitude and style of communication with him, then the teenage period passes almost imperceptibly.

Feast of Disobedience

There are three ways to communicate when dealing with teenagers:

Control.
Briefing.
Transparency, i.e. reporting requirement.

It is useless to talk to a teenager with orders. In authoritarian families, where parents know better than children when they are full and when they want to sleep, clashes cannot be avoided. Separation is the goal of the teenage crisis, so the more orders, the stronger the protest. If you want to build a respectful and trusting relationship with your growing child for many years, learn to negotiate, discuss and come to compromises. Leave his bare ankles alone in the cold - anyway, he will do it his own way, and your words will be perceived as an allergy-causing grumbling. Absolute obedience at this age is possible only in children with a suppressed will and in cunning people who skillfully play any role. Is this exactly the behavior you want to achieve?

It often seems that teenagers are completely deaf to the voice of reason. Nevertheless, in stressful situations, they are able to show a responsible attitude, amazing adulthood. Ekaterina Burmistrova spoke about examples from her own practice, when a mother fell ill, and "disorderly" teenagers in ordinary life quickly mobilized and took care of both her and the younger children.

Try to regard the endless protests as sprouts of future independence, and then there will be less reason for disputes.

Mom is not made of iron!

Parental breakdowns most often happen for two reasons: from a lack of understanding of what is happening and from the fact that we try to restrain emotions for a long time, but, in the end, we break down. You should not try your best to maintain equanimity, portraying the "iron lady". If the child’s words hurt, it’s better to say directly: “It hurts me to hear this,” “You are saying unacceptable things.” Teenagers rarely say nasty things to hurt, most often they are simply “carried”. Don't respond to rudeness with rudeness. After all, adults are us, and they are children, even if they are taller than us. It's hard, but try not to take all those teenage outbursts to heart. It won't always be like this: they'll outgrow, they'll go crazy. We have outgrown.

And one more piece of advice: if you are emotional, don't answer right away, pause. Count, for example, to yourself up to 500, or count back in threes. Sometimes it’s worth taking a long pause – until the next day. So that the reaction was more balanced and conscious.

When to speak?

All important conversations are possible only in quiet time, "on the shore". That is, when there is no irritation, haste or important things. At today's pace, finding such a time is not easy, but you need to try. Do not demand from a teenager immediately agreement with your words or quick answers. Treat what you say like seeds sown in the soil. Let the child comprehend what he heard, find confirmation or, conversely, refutation. In any case, he will think about your words, and this is already good.

Big or small?

One of the reasons for the confusion of parents is the change in the educational paradigm. When we were teenagers, parental authority was greater, as was the degree of responsibility in children. Today, we try to treat the child as a person, but at the same time we strangle him with overprotection and do not let him take a step. Remember at what age you started to go to school, to the store, to friends on your own? Until what grade did your parents help you with your homework?

Today the situation is the opposite: parents provide more inner freedom to the child and at the same time reduce his responsibility. This helplessness does not benefit anyone. Think about what things you can completely entrust to a child?

This is important because freedom means responsibility. A teenager wants more rights and freedom? So, more responsibilities need to be given.

Look for advantages. Adolescence is a moment of rethinking how responsibilities are distributed in your family, and you may find that you have more time for yourself!

You will learn more about how to help parents and children get through adolescence and maintain close relationships in a series of lectures and consultations by Ekaterina Burmistrova “13–19. Survive puberty”

25 signs that a child has become a teenager

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AdolescentsFor parents

Usually changes in behavior begin between 9 and 13 years old, says Carl Pickhardt, psychologist, author of the books “The Future of Your Only Child” and “ Stop screaming." But if you still doubt, here is a list of indicators that the child has grown to a transitional age.

If your son or daughter does at least half of what is listed, congratulations - a teenager has appeared in your house. But don't panic! Just accept that childhood is over and a new interesting stage in the life of the family has begun.

This is what a teenager usually does:

Shy about his parents and becoming less tolerant of physical manifestations of love.
Becomes more secretive.
Often argues and says that you are unfair to him.
Does not respond to requests from relatives.
Tests parents for strength, checking that he can get away with it.
Begins to study worse and does not want to do homework.
Becomes distracted and has trouble concentrating.
Sometimes disorganized and forgetful.
Makes a terrible mess in the room.
Ignores household chores.
Requires respect for his personal space.
Loses interest and gets bored faster.
Tries to live as if he is not a member of the family, but on his own.
Values time with friends more than communication with relatives.
More concerned about how he looks, takes a long time getting ready before leaving the house.
Needs more freedom in life and ways of expressing oneself.
Becomes more self-critical.
Reacts sharply to parental jokes and banter.
Looks up to the idols of the youth.
Often in a bad mood, easily upset and violently showing feelings.
Faces rejection and aggression more often when communicating with peers.
Goes to bed late and is nocturnal.
Prefers communication in social networks and Internet entertainment.
Trying to look more feminine or masculine, depending on gender.
Takes care of parents for granted.

Adolescence is the most difficult period for parents. You need to set boundaries for the child, but not lose emotional closeness with him. This is not always possible.

But there is no need to try to keep the child near you, remembering the old days, and criticize every change that has happened to him. Accept that the quiet period when you were the child's best friend and helper is over. And let the son or daughter distance themselves and develop.

Parents of a teenager witness an amazing transformation: a boy becomes a boy, and a girl becomes a girl

Transitional age is always stressful for parents. Even if they are aware of the inevitability of change, it is not easy to come to terms with the fact that instead of a small child, an independent teenager appears, who often goes against parental authority and violates established rules in order to win more freedom for himself.

This is the most thankless time. Parents are forced to defend family values and protect the interests of the child, conflicting with his personal interests, which often run counter to what adults consider right. They have to set boundaries for a person who does not want to know boundaries and perceives any actions of parents with hostility, provoking conflicts.