How to tell family your child is transgender

Talking to Grandparents and Other Adult Family Members

Produced by the HRC Foundation

Talking to older adults about your child’s gender identity or transition can be some of the more difficult conversations parents of transgender children face.

Talking to older adults about your child’s gender identity or transition can be some of the more difficult conversations parents of transgender children face. Grandparents and other older relatives and friends often have more conservative ideas about gender roles, and thus may have a more difficult time understanding or accepting your child’s transgender or gender-expansive identity.

Being an advocate for your child can be difficult when the person you are defending them against is your own family, so first and foremost, try to approach these initial conversations with patience and compassion, rather than being confrontational or defensive.

Situations to Prepare For:

• Hard time with terminology – People who are not familiar with transgender people or concerns may have a steeper learning curve when it comes to terminology and pronoun use. They may be inclined to use terms that are now considered offensive or derogatory because those terms are more familiar to them, and it may take more time for them to understand the importance of preferred gender pronouns. As long as it’s clear that they are trying to change, be patient but firm in correcting their terminology and pronoun use.

• Holidays, family gatherings, buying presents – If your child’s transition or gender-expansive expression is something new, it’s best to talk to your extended family before any family gatherings to avoid having potentially contentious conversations about your child’s gender identity while your child is present. If you know a family gathering is coming up, talk to family members one-on-one ahead of time and explain your child’s transition and ask that any new names and pronouns be respected. Cultivate allies among your family members and let them help you facilitate conversations that you anticipate being difficult. For holidays, remind grandparents and other family members to give your child clothing that affirms their gender identity, or if that’s a source of discomfort, give a gender neutral present like books, science kits or art supplies.

• Family members who are determined not to accept your child’s identity – Unfortunately, there is often a family member who cannot accept your child’s gender identity. This lack of acceptance can include deliberate misgendering of your child, attempts to “change” your child and make them conform to their gender assigned at birth, to microaggressions that young children might not even notice. In these situations, you have to determine what is best for your child, even if that means keeping your child from having a relationship with that family member. Often people who are initially reluctant to accept LGBTQ people eventually change their minds, so the best practice is to keep supporting and loving your transgender child and hope that others come around.

Talking Points for Conversations With Family Members:

• This is the same child you have known and loved, just a different gender – it’s often helpful to be able to explain the basics of things like gender dysphoria and the difference between sex and gender to show that this is something you have educated yourself about and understand thoroughly.

• My child is happy living as their affirmed gender – Parents of children who have transitioned and are living openly as their affirmed gender often report that their child seems significantly happier than before transitioning. If that is the case with your child, it’s worth pointing out that you’re being a supportive parent and that your child is happier because of your support.

There is not anything “wrong” with my child or my parenting – Being transgender is not a phase, and trying to dismiss it as such can be harmful during a time when your child most needs support and validation. Trying to change your child’s gender identity – either by denial, punishment, reparative therapy or any other tactic – is not only ineffective; it is dangerous and can do permanent damage to your child’s mental health. So-called “reparative” or “conversion” therapies, which are typically faith-based, have been uniformly condemned as psychologically harmful by the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and numerous similar professional organizations.

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My kid is trans.

Research has shown that transgender kids who are supported in their identity by their families have good mental health outcomes — they experience similar rates of depression as cisgender kids. But even parents who want to support their kids may have questions.

Below, Russell Toomey, PhD, answers questions about caring for transgender and gender-questioning kids. Toomey is the chair of the Family Studies and Human Development program at the Norton School of Family and Consumer Sciences at the University of Arizona. 

This post builds off of our previous post on this topic, So Your Kid Is Trans And You’ve Got Questions, which you should also read.

It’s easy to fall down a rabbit hole of misinformation. If your kid comes to you and says they’re transgender, nonbinary or gender-questioning, where can parents go for good information for caring for transgender kids?

RT: There are some really good resources out there: 

• The American Academy of Pediatrics has some really great information in their statements around supporting transgender kids.  
• The Human Rights Campaign has a whole group for parents who have transgender, non-binary and gender non-conforming children with science-based information. 
• There’s also Gender Spectrum, which is a great resource that has a lot of science based information. 
• For school-specific information, GLSEN is a national organization with a whole research arm. They have great information about what trans kids are experiencing in school, and the policies, procedures, and practices that schools can implement and that parents can advocate for in order to provide safer learning environments. 

I had this sort of stereotypical idea of what a transgender kid says which led me to think that if your kid doesn’t say these things, they might just be going through a phase. Eventually I came across some great advice in Slate suggesting that worrying over whether or not this is a phase is kind of misguided. But I’m wondering if there are many different ways kids come to express that they are transgender?

Gender identity develops for all kids, not just trans kids, at around age two, and then through age three and four. During this time frame, kids are starting to be able to label, identify, and express their gender. But they may vary in their ability to share what’s happening on the inside. 

There’s great variability in children, not only with gender, but with lots of different identities and experiences, and even regional contexts. Children are going to have access to differential language to be able to express their gender. I identify as transgender, and I didn’t come out until I was in college. I grew up in rural Appalachia and didn’t even hear the word gay for the first time until I was in high school when I was watching MTV and saw a gay person on the Real World. 

Kids today have access to different types of language and different experiences. They may feel like, maybe I’m different, but they may not know what that difference is until they can access the language to express that experience.

Has the concept of gender fluidity changed how kids realize their gender identity?

Well, whether a child understands what gender they are is part of the standard developmental assessments that pediatricians give and, actually, we’re not seeing that change. For the bulk of kids, even transgender kids, they will assert what gender they are during the standard time frame. 

Some pediatricians may say to them, you’re wrong, and then mislabel that expression as a developmental delay, but in fact they’re appropriately expressing their gender. 

For parents of transgender kids, is there a best practice for when you should loop in your pediatrician? 

I would say there’s no scientific evidence that would suggest a best practice for when to loop in various providers but, for any parent, if they need more resources and information, or if they feel like their child is struggling, then of course bring in a professional who may have better information or better knowledge about how to support that child and the whole family system.  

Should parents of transgender kids be cautious about making an announcement on social media affirming our kid’s gender or is this a good way to show support?

There are two different types of questions there. The first is thinking about any kid’s digital footprint. That’s something that scientists are just now starting to research. What are the implications of that for child development? I don’t know that there are any solid answers or best practices just yet.

For transgender kids or kids expressing their gender, we know they want to be supported in the gender that they’re expressing. That is very clear from the science. The research from Kristina Olson’s lab has shown that children who are supported in their trans identities by their families have nearly the same mental health outcomes as cisgender youth. 

After having a conversation with your transgender or gender-questioning kid, you might all decide together that posting online may be the best way to share that identity with a large group at once, rather than having to have individual conversations over and over and risk having people misgender or use the wrong name. While I would probably suggest having conversations with close family members and close friends before making those social media posts, those posts could end up being the best solution. 

For other families that might be the worst solution because it could put them at risk for violence for harassment for a variety of different issues. Ultimately, I would say individualize that decision to a family’s comfort and their safety. Ask how will this impact my child? Is this the best decision for their safety and for their well being?

As a progressive, I figured my instincts in talking about gender would be spot-on but actually I’m screwing up left and right. As a parent, what can you do when you screw up?

Yeah, that’s a great question. If I put on my family scientist hat, what I can say is that all parents mess up, even parents who have PhDs in Family Science. Even transgender parents of trans children. And the best thing to do is to be authentic with your child and to address and to acknowledge that you made a mistake, and then talk about how to rectify and repair that mistake.  

Even with two and three year olds, it’s best practice for parents to acknowledge their emotions and to acknowledge when they’ve made a mistake. That’s how children learn to manage their own emotions and to correct their behavior when they’ve done something wrong as well.

I found my kid actually kind of lit up when I was like, okay so here’s what I learned, and here’s the thought process I was going through at the time and why I was mistaken. 

In the mid 2000s, a researcher named Dr. Caitlin Ryan studied family acceptance and rejection related to sexual orientation, and one of the common themes that came up is that parents are not malicious, even those who kick out their children from their homes. 

• It’s usually not that they hate their children but that they’re acting on the best information that they have. The problem is that information isn’t science-based. 

If we can get to that place of giving them better information, we can really help parents learn how to change behaviors to better support their children. Along the way, sometimes we need to remind parents that we all mess up, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. 

What about when kids or family members are not supportive. How can we as parents know when to step in and when to empower our kids to handle it on their own if that’s what they want to do?

That question really gets at the idea of autonomy. There’s not much research, but I just wrote about autonomy-granting as a piece that we need to really start studying with trans youth. What we’re seeing right now is parents showing up at these state legislatures and advocating, putting themselves on the line by testifying in front of these state bodies. But parents can’t always be there. So I think it’s critical to help trans youth find ways to be social and network with other trans youth. In these spaces, they can learn a lot from their peers about how to handle those situations, and how to correct behaviors that are harmful. 

The research from the Family Acceptance Project has really shaped how I view intervention.  

• It’s not about changing a person’s attitudes or beliefs, because attitudes and beliefs are very difficult to change. The question is how do you change behavior? 
• If a child is being misgendered, how can we teach them to say, that’s not my name. I need you to use my name. Or, that really hurts when you call me that. Can you call me by this name? Or, please use these pronouns. 

For younger kids, parents are going to have to do more of that direct intervention but, for older kids, I think it really is more like, how can you network? How can you find support for them in trans communities with other trans youth so that they can gain that pure experience and pure knowledge. 

• Creating those opportunities and connections, whether it’s online, in-person or at a local youth group or youth community center, we know those connections are critically important, especially for teenagers.

If you’re in one of those states that has proposed or pending anti-trans legislation, is there anything parents should be doing in those states to make sure their kids are not getting denied the right care? There’s an activism component but also a care component, though I know this is going to depend on the state.

it’s going to be state specific, because things like mental health counseling, even medical health provision licenses do not always cross state boundaries. So you have to look at the laws in your state, and whether you can get medical care from an out-of-state provider if you need to, whether that’s mental health or physical health. You can also reach out to some of the national organizations that we’ve discussed because they’re starting to create networks and lists of places where kids in, say, Arkansas, can go to find medical care. 

• There are providers in various states who are willing to provide care to trans and gender-questioning kids out of state, but sometimes it depends on the regulations of their medical license.
• What’s even more important is finding care in your community through support groups for trans kids. 

Parents also need a very specific kind of support that the child doesn’t always need to be there for. I used to help run a camp here locally in Tucson and we would always be very careful to make sure that we had separate parent and caregiver spaces where the kids wouldn’t have to witness their mom or caregiver crying. Because in the suicidality research that I and others have done, we found that feeling like you’re a burden to others is a key predictor of suicidality among trans populations. 

• We never want a situation where trans youth are perceiving that they’re a burden.
• We want to make sure that there are multiple layers of support for both families and for the child and adolescent. 

That multi-generational trans support can be hard to find because it’s limited across the country, particularly in rural areas, but having spaces where trans youth can be with trans adults to actually see that they have a future is so important. Often trans representation in the media is not necessarily a positive representation, so if we can try to structure and scaffold those positive representations in our communities, it gives trans youth the ability to see trans adults living healthy, productive lives, I think that’s critical, especially now.

It’s interesting, sometimes we parents complain so much about social media but for my kid, TikTok has mostly been a very positive thing.  

There are great YouTube channels as well. Jordan Forrest Miller, a graduate student researcher at Georgia State University, has done some research on how YouTube can be used in positive ways to build that connection for trans youth who are just starting out on their journey.

Further reading and resources:

American Academy of Pediatrics Statement, Ensuring Comprehensive Care and Support for Trangender and Gender-Diverse Children Adolescents  

Society for Research on Adolescents, Transgender Child & Family Resource Guide

Family Acceptance Project: Research-backed guides for developing and maintaining healthy family relationships with LGBT children.

Gender Odyssey: A conference focused on meeting the needs and interests of trans and gender diverse children and their families. 

HealthyChildren.Org: Information for parents of LGBTQ+ teens. 

Gender Spectrum, creating gender inclusive spaces for children and teens

GLSEN Model Policies for State Legislative and Administrative Bodies

GLSEN Model Policies for School Districts

Safe Schools Coalition, helping schools become safe places for everyone regardless of gender, gender identity or sexual orientation

The Trevor Project: A national organization that provides crisis intervention ad suicide prevention to LGBTQ youth under the age of 25.  

Young Trans Children Know Who They Are The Atlantic

What Age Do Transgender Kids Know They’re Trans? Fatherly

What parents need to know when raising transgender children

Marina Didenko, psychologist, host and author of programs for parents with LGBT children

Some children have a gender identity that differs from the gender assigned to them at birth. They may feel like boys "in a girl's body" and vice versa, while some of them may not identify with any gender at all, feeling somewhere in between.

Before you continue reading this article, let's get some terminology out of the way.

Gender – is determined immediately after the birth of a child and is associated with physical and biological characteristics (set of chromosomes, hormonal background, structure of the genital organs, etc.).

Gender Identity is an internal sense of self as a boy, girl or someone else, which may or may not coincide with biological sex. Self-determination of gender identity develops over time, just like a child's body.

Transgender is a term that defines a person who feels “out of his body” for a long time or constantly. Most transgender people want to change this through clothing, hormone therapy, or sex reassignment surgery.

Why some children begin to feel out of their body, scientists have not yet determined, but it is already known that somewhere around 1-3% of the world's population feel this way, and Ukraine is no exception. There are several theories of transgenderness:

• genetic conditioning;
• theory of fluctuations in hormones during fetal development;
• theory of the structure of certain areas of the brain;
• educational theory;
• the theory of "free choice" (a person himself can decide who to be).

All these theories have been discredited and refuted today. Most scholars agree that there is no single reason for being transgender, but that it comes from different combinations of circumstances for different people.

Awareness of being transgender can take a long time before people finally understand what is happening to them and admit it to themselves, and then to someone close to them. Of course, this comes as a shock to parents. Even well-meaning parents who are ready to support their children may not know how to do it.

Don't be alone with your questions and worries. Don't be afraid to ask for help. The topic of gender identity is very taboo and unusual in Ukrainian society, so it is important to contact specialists (pediatrician, endocrinologist, psychologist or psychotherapist), ask all the questions you are interested in in order to work out the right line of behavior to support your child. And you can start with these 6 steps:

Step 1. Embrace your child's identity. Show him your love and support

Many parents think that being transgender is a transitional phase of adolescence, a desire to be noticed. It does happen, and a transgender child can change his mind over time, but this happens extremely rarely. Even if your child is included in this small percentage, now it is important for him that you accept and hold him / her. It is very important that children feel loved and accepted for who they are. Some children expect, sometimes require immediate acceptance and understanding from their parents. However, everyone needs time, each family member goes through their own process of acceptance, awareness and understanding of the gender identity of the child.

Step 2. Study information about gender identity and diversity

Parents of transgender children often experience confusion and misunderstanding: what to do, how to talk to a child, how to educate, what to tell friends and relatives, what to call their son or daughter now. Gender is a very complex and broad concept that does not fit only into the categories of appearance or hobbies. There are a large number of high-quality information resources that will help you understand this issue, most of them are in English, but there are analogues in Russian and Ukrainian.

Step 3. Give your child the freedom to explore their gender identity

Regardless of age, give your child time to identify and express their gender. Most children feel their gender identity at the age of 3-4 years, and most of them can say very clearly: "I'm a boy!" or "I'm a girl!" But more often children come to this issue in adolescence. If your child often and consistently wants to fit in with the opposite sex, you may think this is stupid or a mistake. However, children who are assertive in their behavior and statements usually express their "true gender" and want to be taken seriously. At a time when children understand themselves, they really need support. Only time will tell if your child wants to change sex and if there are true prerequisites for this.

Step 4: Don't try to "cure" your child's transgender status.

Try to stop trying to "treat" the child's gender identity. Research shows that gender is hardwired in the brain and is not a mental or physical illness, or the result of what a parent did or didn't do (such as divorce or adopting a particular parenting style).

If you suspect or know that your son or daughter is transgender, talk to a tolerant doctor (pediatrician, psychiatrist, endocrinologist) or psychologist. Work only with professionals who accept your child's gender identity and don't try to change it. Many transgender people experience serious emotional distress about expressing their gender identity, up to depression, in which case psychiatric help is indispensable.

Step 5: Think about your child's safety

The biggest fear voiced by parents of transgender children in all countries is for their safety. Transgender children wait many years to open up to the world and often face exclusion, rejection and even violence. Be sure to ask anyone who has contact with your child who knows what is going on to keep this information private until you and your child make a decision about disclosure. Explain that this is a matter of protecting the child from bullying, physical or emotional harm. If necessary, talk to the school administration and teachers, arrange for an introductory lecture in the classroom or school.

Step 6. Create a “support group”

All people need support, but when we are in trouble, this need becomes even more tangible. Given the situation in our society, not everyone can talk about the transgenderness of their child, and the child will not tell everyone about it. Every person needs friendship and support. For parents in Ukraine there is an organization "Tergo". There are many groups for children on Facebook, Instagram, in some cities there are also non-governmental organizations that support adolescents belonging to the LGBT community (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people). In addition, the Free2Ask application for teenagers has been operating in Ukraine since last year, where they can absolutely anonymously ask a question of interest to them and receive an answer from a qualified and tolerant specialist.

It is very easy to love perfect and "right" children, but every child needs a loving family and support, regardless of their behavior, school performance, sexual or gender identity. I hope these recommendations will help you get closer to your children.

This is not a fantasy: How to understand that your child gender identity. And we asked ourselves, is such a reaction normal? Or do parents want to quickly come to terms with the new gender of the child and forget the moment of coming out like a bad dream? Other parents, on the contrary, begin to panic and “treat” such children, sincerely believing that they have a split personality or they just “play too much”. To dispel the myths about transgenderness and answer our questions, we asked a psychologist, family consultant-mediator Maria Fabricheva.

Maria, at what age can a child become aware of their gender identity?

According to the theory of standard analysis, transgenderness is not considered a personality disorder in today's world. Transgender is not a good/bad marker. It is important to understand that these are normal, good people with just such a feature. Being transgender does not mean that a person is bad, perverted or ill-mannered. This is not true.

As regards age, a child already at the age of three is at the stage of identity and strength. In English, the term "power" is used - strength, power. That is, the child has a need to study society, realize his strength, acquire communication skills, social adaptation and his gender identity. Therefore, if a child at the age of three declares that he is a boy or a girl, then such behavior is fully consistent with this stage of his development. So transgenderism can manifest itself precisely at this age.

How to understand that this is not a child's fantasy?

It is rather difficult for parents to understand whether it is a fantasy or not. Parents experience a culture shock: “My daughter doesn’t want to be a girl, my son doesn’t want to be a boy, so I’m a bad parent” or “Let’s treat the child.” Here you need to say “stop” and give parents time. There is nothing to treat here, because, as I said at the beginning, transgenderism is not a personality disorder. Therefore, it will not be possible to treat by force anyway, but it will only result in injury to the child, because they do not accept him as he is, but try to correct and make him comfortable. Exactly the same attitude towards teenagers who declare their homosexuality. Homosexuality, too, thank God, is no longer cured, but all the same, parents make attempts to change the child, but not for his good, but for the good of social norms.

In such situations, I advise parents to be calm. If a child who is biologically male claims to be a girl, do not rush to dress him up in dresses. We need to watch how it develops. And if it was a fantasy, if the child tried on another social role, for example, he likes to watch how his mother puts on makeup, and he decided to try to do it too, but in a conversation he accepted the information that makeup is for girls, not for boys, and he stopped imitating his mother, but began to imitate his father, which means that we are not facing a transgender child. If the child shows more and more similar interests, then you need to observe. However, it is still difficult to decide on your own in this situation. Just exhale and contact healthy psychotherapists who are ready to deal with this issue and are ready to help the child adapt.

Before adolescence, it is extremely difficult to change or correct anything. There can only be acceptance of the child and observation of him. And it is important to comply with social rules so as not to harm the child. In general, any diagnosis of a personality disorder is not given to children before adolescence. But already in adolescence, 13–15 years old, the child goes through the stage of identity and strength, gender association again, and secondary sexual characteristics begin to actively develop in him.

Education should not be aimed at bringing up not a transgender person, but a person who is healthy in terms of values, who will feel comfortable having such a feature. You should not make a tragedy out of this, but you should give the child the opportunity to fully manifest.

It is also important to remember that these are all elements of development. Children play games, trying on different roles. And it is very important for parents not to fantasize more than they really are. What I mean? At the stage of identity and power, a three-year-old child may declare that he is not a boy, but a girl, or not a girl, but a boy, but this cannot be a 100% guarantee that we are transgender.

Well, is it possible that if a girl has short hair, then she will perceive herself as a boy? Or the boy likes to wear tutu skirts and his mother allows him to do this in public. Can such changes in appearance or encouragement of behavior somehow affect the child in the future?

Haircuts do not exactly affect. A child under three years old does not separate his “I” from his mother, he is in a healthy symbiosis with her. He is connected with the mother, so whatever happens to her, happens to the child. Symbiosis begins with uterine development and continues during the first year of life. Then the child goes through the first separation from the mother when he takes his first steps. During this period, his “I” is the whole world, he does not yet have a self-identity. Self-identity comes at 2.5 - 3 years, just when the child, looking at himself in the mirror, speaks of himself not in the third person, but in the first: "It's me." At the age of three, the child begins to study his body, ask various questions, looking for a gender difference.

And, returning to your examples, if you say to a girl: “Tanya got a new haircut”, then she will understand that she, Tanya, has changed her hairstyle. If the girl is told in a certain key: “You look like a boy,” and the child catches this key, then he can decide that parents like it better when she looks like a boy. In this case, it is highly likely that the daughter will want to please her parents with such an appearance. This is not a natural transgender, but a scenario choice. And these are different things.

There are situations when an expectant mother dreams, for example, of a daughter, but after having an ultrasound scan in the second trimester, when the biological sex of the child is clearly understood, she finds out that she will have a son and becomes very upset and seems to reject this fact. This situation can also affect the child's self-perception when, while in the womb, he feels that he will not be accepted in this gender. And I mean it quite seriously. The perinatal period is one of the most important in terms of acceptance. And then such stories can happen when a child by the age of three happily declares that he is not a girl, but a boy, or vice versa. Or it happens that dad wanted a son, but a daughter appeared. But the fact is that a small child does not verbally communicate with his parents, he reads the entire emotional background. And if, on a social level, parents smile and say that they are happy with any child, but on a psychological and emotional level they think completely differently, this affects the child, even if he is still inside the womb. And he can already make so-called protocol decisions. The scenario protocol is written deep in the body, it is not verbal. This is when the body, having made a decision, starts playing games. This is where the feeling of “I’m not in my body” comes from.

And if a child of the same sex spends a lot of time with children of the opposite sex, can this in any way affect his self-identification?

A child can imitate, this is normal. Because in imitation the child develops and finds himself. Imitation and transgenderism are two very different things. I am in favor of explaining the difference to children, including gender. For example, when my son became interested in a bottle of nail polish, I explained to him that in our society it is not customary for boys to paint their nails. And if a child is interested in something, exploring this world, he asks his parents for normal intelligible explanations of how the world works and how a man differs from a woman, be it the body, the manifestation of emotions, wardrobe, self-care.

If a boy or girl resists, does not want to wear a certain type of clothing, and all this is very emotionally colored, up to tantrums, then here you also need to behave calmly and seek help from a specialist. Because such manifestations may indicate not so much about transgenderism, but that something else is not right, to the point that the child is simply unpleasant when certain material touches the body. All these nuances require research and clarification, especially in such subtle issues as gender and sexual orientation.