How to raise a quiet child

How to Raise a Calm Child

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7 tips for raising calmer kids -- and calming yourself in the process.

Every parent wants to raise a calm child: one who can deal with stressors, cope with challenges and manage emotions in difficult situations. According to experts, there is one primary factor that can aid in your child’s ability to deal with stress: you!

Here are seven tips from the experts on keeping your child — and yourself — serene.

And for more helpful tips, check out Care.com’s Guide to Managing Stress.

Keep Calm and Carry on
Most anxious children have anxious parents, says Elizabeth Pantley, a psychologist and president of Better Beginnings, Inc., a family resource and education company.
“Any time we’re anxious, they’re going to be anxious,” she says. “The best way to raise a calm child is to be calmer yourself.”
Debbie Pincus, parenting educator and author of
The Calm Parent AM & PM,
agrees: “If you want your child to be calmer, then you have to be calmer. When possible, make an attempt to phrase your words in the positive, rather than the negative, and guide rather than push.” Making little struggles less important and implementing positive reinforcement can make both of you more relaxed.

Here are 7 Tips for Staying Calm.
Remember that Your Child Is a Child
When children are throwing tantrums or exhibiting other destructive behaviors, it’s easy to forget that they don’t have emotional control. “Even the smartest, sweetest, most peaceful, pleasant child could not possibly exit the womb with the wisdom and ability to totally control his emotions,” says Pantley.
Treating children as little, rational adults can give them a great deal of anxiety. Instead, Pantley argues that parents need to stop evaluating children’s motives from an adult perspective, viewing children’s bad behavior instead as attempts at fulfilling innocent wants.
Give Your Children What They Need — Not What You Think They Need
Parents, particularly anxious ones, worry about what their children may need in order to be safe and comfortable, rather than assessing actual facts. This worrywart behavior can translate into stressed-out children.
Instead of predicting what children could require, Pincus suggests that parents should “see our children as objectively as we can. Give them what they actually need, rather than looking through our lenses of fear and worry.” Don’t try to guess what your child will need. Instead, consider her needs as new challenges arise.
Change Your Expectations
Putting too many expectations on children can give them all kinds of anxieties. Instead, Pincus argues that parents should “not futurize” — or think too far ahead about who a child could become — in order to alleviate anxiety for both parent and child.
Pantley agrees, emphasizing that it’s important to remember that a temperamental child doesn’t always have tools available to remain calm. “Your child has been on this earth only a few short years,” Pantley says. “It may help you to remember this during his tantrums or meltdowns.”
Teach Calming Techniques
From child yoga to meditation for kids, embrace and encourage practices that will help kids manage emotions. Do the activities with your kids, so you all learn how to be a little bit calmer.
Give Children a Consistent Routine
A tired or hungry child is never going to be a calm child, says Pantley. While parents cannot control every aspect of their children’s lives, they can ensure consistent nap and snack times. “Try to plan your daily schedule so it doesn’t interfere with usual nap times or meal times. If any excursion is to be more than an hour long, plan to bring along a few healthy snacks, such as pretzels and cheese or granola mix, plus something to drink.” Children are more likely to be crabby if their basic needs aren’t being met. Communicate this routine to a child’s nanny or babysitter to maintain consistency.
Let Your Child Manage Himself or Herself
Children can become stressed if they don’t continuously learn how to do things for themselves and earn more responsibility. Once a child has learned something new — be it how to set his alarm clock or to tie her shoe — parents should hand that responsibility over permanently, says Pincus. Helping a child learn to manage himself can make a more self-sufficient child and, in turn, calm him down.

Whenever your child is behaving badly, it’s important to remember that she won’t always be this way. In tense situations, Pantley offers good advice: “He’s learning more day by day, and he relies on you for much of his information. Be patient and understanding.”

Alicia Bones began working as a writer after graduating from college in 2010. Bones graduated with a master’s degree in English from the University of Iowa in 2013. Her writing has appeared on Matador Network, USA Today and The Nest Woman.

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Teaching Your Kids That Silence Is Golden

Some days you just crave quiet. Your soul is yearning for calm and you're thirsty for an environment with no chaos, no upheaval and no loud noises.

But your kids are yelling!

How do you deal? By screaming at them to be quiet? I hope not, because your best strategy is to model the behavior you want from them.

But think about it. No wonder kids are noisy-they're surrounded by man-made sound almost constantly. Noise is so commonplace to them that they are often uncomfortable in silence. In a world where kids and adults alike are plugged into technology and listening to TV, videos and music, teaching our kids to be quiet is a precious lesson-one that helps them get calm and in touch with their inner selves.

Here are some strategies to get kids to be quiet.

1. First and foremost, always try positive reinforcement for good behavior. Praise them when they do what you ask. Kids love to please and want to know when they've done it well. They usually do what they think you expect of them, so if you tell them they're always loud, they'll continue to be loud. If you reprimand them for yelling and tell them how they are misbehaving, they're likely to misbehave and keep yelling because that's what you've focused on. If you want them to be still, then tell them how much you like it when they're quiet. Let them know that you expect that they will be soft and gentle. Focus on the positive behavior you know they can do, not the negative behavior they sometimes engage in, in order to get more of that positive behavior.

2. Next, be clear about what you mean by getting quiet. Is it total silence you want or just not yelling and causing commotion? When you say, "Please be quiet." your children might not even know exactly what you're asking of them.

3. Talk with your kids about the value of stillness-how it relaxes your mind and renews your spirit and allows you to get in touch with what's going on inside you.

4. Set aside times at home where no one will be plugged in to anything. As a family, you can use this time to read or have quiet conversation.

5. Go for walks with your kids in nature and allow them to experience the beauty and wonder of solitude where you focus on the songs of the birds overhead and the crunching of grasses and twigs under foot.

6. Use times in the car when no one listens to music and you allow your kids to sit in silence-just looking outside the car window absorbing what is there. You can even make a game of what they spy while looking quietly outside.

7. Talk with your children about what they feel when there is silence and how they experience being quiet.

Of course, there are different methods for helping differently aged kids be still.

For ages 0 - 5:

a) Distract them. Get them engaged in singing their favorite song. Read them a story or tell them a story that captures their imagination and makes them forget their loud words. b) A firm no, if they're yelling, is impactful. They don't want to upset you or displease you and are most likely to get quiet. c) Give them a time out if they don't do as you ask. But don't get angry. It's never a good idea to discipline out of anger because your kids learn that they get punished when you get angry rather than when they misbehave. It also makes them more afraid of you when you discipline in anger-and fear causes kids to close down and become more distant from you rather than building a close, trusting relationship with you. d) Create a quiet area-a small table and chair with a decoration they like. Have a book, a favorite toy or coloring book with crayons to entertain them. Take them there when they're being too loud-not as a punishment, but as a place to re-set their decibel level and their mood.

For ages 5 - 10:

a) Set aside quiet times to read in order to teach them that they don't always have to be engaged in loud activities. b) Talk with your kids about your family values and include the value of quiet times, respect for others in the family and why these are important for all of you. Talk at their age level but begin to have these conversations about what is important to all of you in your family. c) Make sure they are getting the overall attention they need. If they're not, kids will act out negatively just to get attention-because negative attention is better than no attention.

For ages pre-teen and teen:

You can now talk with them as adults. a) Ask them for their help in setting the tone for the evening. This shows respect for their maturity and increases self-esteem to ask for their help. b) Set guidelines-with your kids-as to when there will be TV and music on, how people will talk to each other, what is acceptable in speech patterns and loudness and what is not. Along with these guidelines ask them to help you set consequences if they don't adhere to what you decide. They need to learn that there will be consequences, but they need to be a part of setting them so they don't rebel if or when you need to impose them. Imposing consequences feels different than punishing them because they have had a part in setting those consequences. Punishment, on the other hand, tends to feel like something is being done to them that they have no control over. Therefore, it tends to elicit more intense emotions and even rebellion.

Above all, always treat your children with respect. You can't expect them to treat you better than you treat them. They take their cues from you, so take the high road. You're the parent-don't allow your kids to drag you down to their level. Be gentle, be consistent and enjoy the golden gift of silence your kids give to you.

For additional tips on creating a positive environment in your family, check out my book, "Parenting Is a Contact Sport: 8 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids for Life."

This article originated on care2.com.

Difficult child: 5 methods of education

10 052

For parentsQuestion to the expert

Admit that you expect a secret formula from this article, according to which you can easily subdue any difficult child? I hasten to share the good news. Successful algorithms do exist, but the secret ingredient of parental peace is hidden in adults themselves. Let's talk frankly about raising difficult children, shall we?

Like many of you, my boy was not born with a blue ribbon and a set of buttercreams. From the age of 10 months, he began to show his rebellious disposition, and at first I was touched by his universal knowledge that the whole world owed him. Then it seemed to me that this period should resolve itself, because it was a year old, and before the next crisis, 3 years still grow and grow. Where did the 24 months of calm go? Why is it so difficult for me with a child and I get the feeling that all this time we have a continuous crisis?

Before passing the verdict "bad behavior" and taking up education with radical methods, it would be good to understand what should be considered bad behavior. As an experiment, we will change places with the child and put ourselves in an uncomfortable position. Answer without much thought to the question: “What do I take for bad behavior in a child?” If you honestly confessed and answered: “When my child does not obey me,” you automatically fell into the trap.

The best way to get through the age crisis is to be prepared for it and help your child get through the difficult stage together

What do we really want from a child: obedience or conscious acceptance of discipline?

When I tried on the answer to my relationship with my son, I was horrified. I have confused these two fundamentally different concepts. If my child will obey everyone, not having his own opinion, will he be able to grow up as an independent, conscious and happy person?

Shouldn't work be done to change his attitude towards discipline? So that he himself knows how to set priorities in his life, form effective thinking strategies, make decisions on his own, learn to recognize feelings and calmly cope with them within the framework of the norms of society.

Having dealt with your parental position, it is easier to start working with a difficult child. I have come to the conclusion that there are only 5 effective ways to deal with bad child behavior.

1. What is "good" and what is "bad"? Understanding a child's point of view

Has your child not yet learned to distinguish good from bad? Teach him yourself. No nanny or educator is more interested in this than mom and dad. We all come into this world with wide-open eyes and trustingly take the first steps into the arms of an unpredictable life. We do not know what awaits us ahead - danger or life lesson, good or bad.

Often we don't even hear our parents' warnings about what not to do. We simply live and cognize the world empirically, on the basis of our still meager life experience. My whole world turned upside down when I thought: “How can a child behave badly if he basically has no idea what bad means?”

I will dwell in more detail on the analysis of my child's feelings during the lessons of "bad deeds". I was shocked, but my child could not recognize what was bad and what was good in most cases. He sincerely did not understand why I first asked him not to rattle pots, explained that it was impossible to beat other children, almost with dancing persuaded him to return from a walk to sleep when he wanted to take a walk more.

In such situations, he did not think about what is good and bad, but was guided by the criteria "interesting - not interesting", "safe or not", "I want - I do not want". And when I once again suppressed a flash of anger because my son deliberately poured a bowl of soup on the floor, I asked myself the question: “Why am I so angry?” Didn't I make sure to finish my unloved borscht?

Meanwhile, my son Laurus was actively giving signs of disagreement. His head-shaking and despondent expression tried his best to convey this, but I stubbornly ignored the protest. After all, it is convenient to feed the child properly before a walk so that he does not fray his nerves with sudden hunger. After thinking about the situation, I cooled down and gave the rebel a rag: “Wipe after yourself.”

2. Reach mutual agreement on good and bad

This item is closely related to the previous cause of child misbehavior, but differs in that the child sincerely disagrees with the adult's demands. Well, he does not understand that scattering toys and living in chaos is bad. For him, this is a natural environment in which he is fun and educational.

For a long time I was at a loss as to how to instill in a child a love of discipline. After all, you have to learn to clean up after yourself. But instead of obedience, I met desperate resistance or complete disregard for requests. The more I insisted, the more my son moved away from me. “And this little button, which is not even two years old, stamps its foot and still swings at its own mother, when it only asked to remove it, seasoning the request with a pinch of blackmail: “Otherwise we won’t go for a walk,” I thought, choking with irritation.

But this is what I aspired to when I was a mother, so that my child could express his opinion openly and freely. Have I played with excessive democracy? The answer came after some time, when I rethought the situation and began to take the side of my son.

Once again I asked to put the toys away and felt tension between us. I suggested to him: "Let's ask the tractor to help us clean up?" His son's eyes lit up, and he joyfully exclaimed: "Yes!" I realized that true love for discipline, and not blind obedience, cannot be brought up through denial and rejection. It is really important for a child to feel that you understand him.

3. Through "bad behavior" the child learns - let him form new qualities

It is so inherent in nature that a person needs to acquire strong-willed qualities in order to survive. If you like, it's an evolution. There would be no one to continue the human race if people did not have some negative qualities. The real discovery for me was that "bad behavior" helps the child develop new qualities:

● If the child is stubborn and does not want to follow your instructions, he learns to defend his own opinion. Can you imagine what will happen if we constantly fight off this natural need from a small person?

What to do? Accept the child's desire to be a person. Show that his opinion really matters. For example, when I started taking Lavr to kindergarten, he kept saying that we should go to the park. As soon as we approached the door, he protested heart-rendingly and insisted that we urgently needed to walk. Every time I tried to explain that no one walks in the park so early. The son was instantly offended and fell into hysterics. One day I decided to really take him to the park and show him that I am not deceiving him. When he saw that there was nothing for him to do at such an early hour, he calmed down. Hungry and called for breakfast in the garden.

● If the child devalues your judgments, says that you do not understand him, he learns to comprehend what is happening. If he protests for any reason and does not compromise, he trains the will and skills to overcome obstacles.

How to be? You just need to accept the fact that you are a kind of simulator for the child. And, thank God, he trains on the person who loves him the most. Otherwise, who else would endure it? It is important to help your child learn to identify negative emotions and deal with them appropriately. “Lavrusha, I know you're angry with me because I won't give you an orange. You called me bad, not because I'm evil, but because I forbade you to eat it. Your skin may become red and itchy. You can cry, but I still won't give you an orange."

It is important for a child to understand his emotions as early as possible and to understand how to deal with them. Recall the cartoon "Puzzle". There, five emotions live a full life, and in addition to Joy, a person has a whole set of not very good (at first glance) companions: Sadness, Fear, Anger and Disgust. Watch this useful cartoon and make sure that the exclusion of "bad and unnecessary" emotions from a person's life leads to the oppression of the whole organism.

● If a child turns into a tyrant, imposes an opinion, indicates where to go and what to do, he acquires the skill of self-respect. Take a closer look at yourself, perhaps at some point you devalue the child, his thoughts and desires.

You can't count all the examples of bad behavior, but you definitely shouldn't treat them negatively. I do not at all call for indulging such manifestations, let alone inaction, but it is necessary to show understanding, tolerance and even ingenuity in resolving conflicts.

4. A child adapts to natural age-related crises - help him cross a difficult stage

A crisis is a time of transition, a turning point with an unpredictable outcome. An age crisis is an integral and normal stage in the formation and development of a person. They happen in the life of every child during the neonatal period, at 1 year, 3 years, 7 years, puberty and adulthood.

For some, the crisis stages shift a year later or earlier, depending on the character, temperament and pace of development of the child. The best way to survive is to be prepared for it and help your child get through the difficult phase together. You don't have to say "no" to everything. The child should know that there are inviolable rules in the family that everyone must follow.

It's easy to break a child, it's more difficult to learn to negotiate. Therefore, it is necessary to master new models of behavior not only for children, but also for parents. I stopped keeping a table of calculations, who will “bend” whom, when I realized that by nature my child can become much stronger and cooler than me.

Once I read a life hack by Mikhail Labkovsky and stopped competing: “He is your child. You should be glad that he is stronger than you. You don't have to measure your character. Come and take him in your arms. If you remember this rule, you will be able to grow an unbroken, strong personality with a strong inner core. Such people know what they are worth, value and respect themselves.

5. The child is trying to compensate for unsatisfied needs

The list of basic needs of the child is not far behind the generally accepted hierarchy of needs of an adult. The well-known works of Abraham Maslow apply even to the smallest members of society. For ease of perception, I comprehended in my own way and combined the needs into 3 groups. These needs an adult cannot ignore:

● Physiological needs. This source of “bad behavior” is easily identified and can be linked to poor bedtime, hunger, fatigue, and other unmet needs. Often it is enough to understand the situation and provide the child with the correct mode. In this case, the child's behavior is corrected in a fairly short time. My son at the age of 1 year and 2 months had a hard second bedtime in the afternoon. He woke up with a terrible hysteria, over the reasons for which I broke my head for some time. As soon as I shifted my bedtime to an earlier period, the disturbing symptoms disappeared.

● Need for security, love and belonging. Such different needs, but sometimes they are closely intertwined, for example, when we send children to kindergarten. Without adaptation, they become vulnerable on several fronts at once, which they try to talk about with the help of whims and bad behavior. Physical contact with the child, gentle hugs and a quiet, trusting voice help well. I unconditionally spent as much time as the child needed to understand that his mother loves him and will definitely come for him.

● The need for respect, recognition and self-realization. I remember every moment when adults treated me unfairly. A small child is no different, only he still does not know how, due to his age, to explain and choose the right words, which he compensates with rebellion.

The main cause of a child's bad behavior is you yourself

It's time to collect the stones. "Who do we have such an ill-bred child?" - perhaps the most ridiculous question of a parent. A child is a reflection of the family: what you have is what he has. There is only one effective way to raise an emotionally and mentally healthy child - to become such a person yourself.

Growing up as a good child is easier in a happy and successful family. Therefore, it is so important to understand the views of the child, to come to mutual agreement in understanding “good” and “bad”. Be a reliable support for your child, especially during difficult periods. Without your support, it will be very difficult for him to adapt and overcome natural age crises.

Through "bad behavior" the child learns - let him form new qualities. Giving a child unconditional love is a great art. We are not taught this anywhere, but now there are so many opportunities for self-knowledge and development. Learn the basics of child psychology, always be a role model for him, regardless of mood, weather and problems at work.

Due to age, the child is not able to satisfy needs independently, the main of which is the need for love. What would happen if we could all love children just like that, without conditions and agreements, without division into good and bad?

About the author

Margarita Makarova is the creator of the SOS Mommy school of happy motherhood and motivational marathons for women. Her Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia).

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7 steps to correct difficult children from Lyudmila Petranovskaya

Attempts to set a difficult child on the right path sometimes lead to a full-scale and non-stop war in one single family. Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya suggests that parents put down their weapons and stand on the same side of the barricades with their child. We publish the most important theses from her book "If it's difficult with a child" - about how to find a language with the most difficult children.

Why attachment is so important for a child

Our attachment is stored in the part of the brain that is located under the convolutions in the limbic system. This inner brain is also called the emotional brain. The upper and lower structures of the brain are interconnected, which is why cheerful and gloomy thoughts can affect our mood. There are situations when the limbic system turns on the alarm, then it is useless to wait for the smooth operation of the upper parts of the brain. First, it is necessary to eliminate the cause that the limbic system considered a threat to life, health or anxiety. For a child, this situation is always the threat of his attachment to his parents. In such cases, the limbic system panics, the child is under extreme stress.

A shot from the film "Problem Child"

Imagine that you are walking along the edge of an abyss, and you are secured by a strong rope, and it is held by a person whom you trust more than yourself. This is how a child perceives affection between you.

As long as the parent holds a strong rope of attachment, the child is completely safe

He knows about this, and his forces can be directed to development, growth and other things important for his age. At the moments when the parent is angry, dissatisfied with the child, the child feels that the rope of attachment seems to have weakened, he begins to pull on it - to check the strength of attachment. “Are you still my adult?”, as if a child asks, “even if I do something else terrible, will you continue to love me?” Since this question comes from the inner brain, it asks it not with words, but with actions (most often with bad behavior), and it also waits for an answer with actions.

When attachment is threatened

To correct bad behavior, sometimes just not endangering attachment is enough. Adults often do things that are completely natural or useful, in their opinion, while the child is in deep stress and anxiety.

A shot from the film "Difficult Child"

For example, parents read lectures. At what point does this happen? When a parent is unhappy with something. He wants only good things and gives objective reasons, but the child does not hear him, because dissatisfaction on the part of the parent means that attachment is at risk. If he is so bad, then "his" adult can leave. The lectures usually intensify, become more frequent, the parent moves on to punishment, the child experiences even more stress, and the reason for the lectures is still not eliminated.

7 things every parent should know about attachment

There are parents who use stronger means - they beat their children. In order to be fully aware of their actions and not to do so, parents need only call a spade a spade: “The child got a belt” is one thing, and “I beat my child” is quite another.

If a parent treats a child empathically from infancy, then the child learns empathy from him.

Sometimes physical violence pales next to emotional violence: insults, threats (“I won’t love you anymore”), blackmail (“you will drive me to the grave”), intimidation (“I’ll go away and leave you here”) and fiercely hated by children ignoring.

There are situations when a parent violates boundaries: enters a room without knocking, demands immediate execution of his orders, discusses the child with acquaintances. All this is aggression, which the child will definitely begin to copy and behave this way already in relation to the parents. If the relationship with the parent is good, then the child wants to obey him simply because he is his adult and this is how nature intended.

How high expectations harm a child

Trying to set a bar of expectations for a child drives him into stress and causes protest. Today's fashionable early development can exhaust the whole family. For example, parents put in a lot of effort and teach their children to read as early as possible. But until the age of seven, this skill is of no use to them. He needs live communication, but there is simply no need to receive information from the text.

Parents often demand behavior that is inappropriate for the age of their children

“When a kid who has learned to walk well and climb everywhere uses his skills to the fullest, parents have a fun life. But would you like him not to climb anywhere, not to touch anything, to sit in a motionless apathetic bag and hold that toy that you thrust into his hand for a whole hour? This is how children sit in children's homes <. ..> and this is a rather sad sight.

A shot from the film "Difficult Child"

Parents know how to ignore the child's feelings with the words "don't be afraid," "don't be upset," "don't cry." But in a moment of fear or frustration, until you calm the limbic system, it is useless to appeal to the mind.

Seven steps to correct bad behavior

Lyudmila Petranovskaya suggests calling children's behavior difficult, not bad. There is a certain logic in this. A child is not created to do something to spite his parents, because for him they are the dearest people who literally hold his life in their hands.

The difficult behavior of a particular child is the behavior that is difficult for a particular parent to cope with. For a choleric mother, slowness can be unbearable, but for a meloncholic mother, this behavior will be just right. Often, adults generally see a problem where there is none for their children.

How to find a common language with a teenager

But difficult behavior still needs to be corrected, because it poisons the life of the whole family. If all the reasons mentioned above are eliminated, the child grows up with a feeling of support, care and acceptance, knows what is good and what is bad, but there is still difficult behavior, the psychologist suggests steps to correct it.

1. Clearly formulate the goal

The more clearly the parent understands exactly what kind of behavior he expects from the child, what exactly will happen in cases when the child starts doing the right thing, the easier it will be to find a solution.

"Try to write down for a few days in a notebook what your child did "wrong", and then honestly ask yourself - what of this really poisons my life?".

Still from the film "Problem Child"

2. What exactly is happening?

To analyze behavior, avoid the expressions "he always", "he never", "wants nothing". There is a big difference between a child who does not want anything and a child who does not want to do things that are not interesting for him. Describe as specifically as possible, take into account age and situations.

3. Search for "spring"

Ask yourself the question "Why is he doing this?". It is unusual for any person to do something completely without any motivation. Even children's theft has reasons: a child may not have a formed idea of property, he does not want to be different from his peers, he wants to be accepted into the circle of "his own", he wants to get attention and achieve closeness with his parents.

You can not guess about the reasons, but ask the child directly: "Why are you doing this?".

4. Explain what is wrong

Use "I-statements" that cannot be challenged. Say what specifically the child is doing wrong. Remember that he is unlikely to be influenced by arguments about the distant future when he graduates poorly from school due to lessons not done today.

A shot from the movie "Difficult Child"