How to punish a child who doesn t care
Discipline Kids Who Ignore Consequences
Does your child ignore every consequence you give him? James Lehman can help with 10 specific ways to make consequences work—even for the most resistant child.
When kids are faced with something unpleasant, they’ll often act like it doesn’t matter to them. When your child says, “I don’t care,” or seems unaffected when you give him a consequence, what he’s really saying is, “You can’t hurt me.”
That’s because receiving a consequence makes kids feel powerless. Their sense of self almost requires them to respond by shrugging and saying, “Whatever,” simply in order to feel in control again.
Focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.
Personally, I don’t think parents should worry too much when their child appears not to be affected. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.
In fact, I think trying to get your child to care is a misdirected goal. Don’t put so much weight on making him “hurt” that you’re not thinking about trying to get your child to learn a new behavior. If your child can stop you in your tracks by saying “I don’t care,” you’re giving him way too much power.
To put it another way, if you’re looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is not designed to make your child say, “I’m sorry, Mom, I was wrong.” Rather, it’s there to help your child change his behavior.
Think of it this way. The consequence for not following the speed limit is that you might get a speeding ticket. You may shrug and say, “Whatever,” to the police officer when he pulls you over, but that won’t stop him from giving you that ticket. And if you say, “I don’t care,” he’ll say, “Well, here you go, sir. Have a good day.” He won’t argue with you. He’ll simply hand you the ticket and walk away.
In my opinion, you have to be like that police officer when giving your child a consequence.
Don’t get sucked into an argument when your teen says, “I don’t care,” because that argument brings you down to his level—and that’s what he’s looking for. Instead, just say:
“All right, fine, but you’re still going to lose your cell phone for 48 hours.”
Then simply turn around and leave the room.
Again, if you’re trying to get your child to care about the consequence you give him, that’s like trying to get him to like you. You shouldn’t try to control his emotional life. Just say:
“These are the consequences.”
And even if he says he doesn’t care, let him know that he will encounter them again if he breaks the rules.
Here are 10 tips for how to give consequences that work—even when kids say they don’t care.
1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning
It’s almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Often, parents will be either too harsh or too lenient, because nothing appropriate comes to mind immediately.
I advise parents to sit down and write a “consequences list.” You can think of this as a menu of choices. When compiling this list, keep in mind that you want the consequence to be unpleasant, because you want your child to feel uncomfortable. It’s also important to think about the lesson you want him to learn—and this lesson should be attached to the consequence.
If, like most teens, your child’s cell phone has meaning for him, don’t be shy about using it as leverage. So let’s say your child curses and is rude to his sister, and you want him to learn how to manage his feelings. I think an effective consequence might be that he would lose his cell phone until he doesn’t curse and isn’t rude to his sister for 24 hours.
In those 24 hours, he might also have to write a note of apology to his sibling stating what he’ll do differently the next time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter, he doesn’t get his phone back—and the 24 hours starts all over again.
2. Don’t Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches
Remember, your job is not to get your child to love his sister or to appeal to his emotions with a speech because all he will hear is, “Your sister looks up to you, blah, blah, blah.”
Your job is to take his phone and say:
“Hey, we talk to each other nicely around here. And if you can’t do that, then you can’t use the phone. We’ll talk about giving it back to you after you talk nicely to your family for 24 hours.”
3. Make Consequences Black and White
When you give a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Again, you don’t want to get into details and long speeches. What you want to do is lay out your consequences for your child’s inappropriate behavior very clearly.
It’s often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when he acts out. The consequences for your child’s behavior should be clear to him. Tell him:
“If you talk nastily to your sister, this is what’s going to happen from now on.
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And whenever you’re going to introduce an idea to your child that may be unsettling, anxiety-provoking, or frustrating to him, do it when things are going well, not when everybody’s screaming at each other. Wait until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and clearly.
4. Talk to Your Child About Effective Problem-Solving
I think it’s vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your child after an incident has occurred. When things are going well, you can say:
“If you get frustrated with your sister in the future, what can you do differently, other than to call her names? Let’s make a list.”
You might help generate some ideas by saying:
“Instead of calling her names, how about going to your room and listening to some music for a few minutes? Could you do that?”
And try to help your child come up with his own ideas. He might say, “If she follows me around the house, I’ll go to my room.
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You can then say:
“All right, why don’t we try that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers you, pick one thing that you’re going to do from this list and see if it’s helpful.”
Conversations like these are how you get your child to think about alternative solutions other than yelling at his sister, name-calling, or acting out.
Look at it this way: we all get frustrated, we all get angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to learn to deal with those feelings appropriately. And a problem-solving conversation is the most effective way to talk with your child about change.
5. Don’t Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences
Don’t accept every invitation to argue with your child. Understand that he wants you to get upset so he can drag you into a fight.
Your child also wants to show you that he’s not hurt by the consequence you’ve given him. Believe me, I understand that it’s annoying and frustrating as a parent.
Kids will try to push your buttons by saying: “Who cares. Whatever.” But don’t get sucked into it. Just say:
“All right, it’s too bad that you don’t care. That means it’s just going to happen more often.”
Then go do something else. And remember, while you don’t want to get sucked into a power struggle, you also don’t want to destroy your child’s pride by demeaning him. You just want him to stop talking poorly to his sister.
6. Don’t Teach Your Child How to “Do Time”
Many parents get frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the punishment stick. Personally, I think that’s a mistake.
If you simply ground your child, you’re teaching him to do time. And he won’t learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain things, you can greatly increase the effectiveness of the consequence.
I always say to make your consequences task-oriented, not time-oriented. So if your child loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps him improve his behavior.
Simply grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to wait until he can get them back—not how to behave more appropriately. Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to get a bigger hammer, but that’s not a sound teaching method. And it’s ineffective.
Think about it, if you ground him for 30 days and then he does something wrong tomorrow, what are you going to do? Ground him for 40 days? It won’t be effective at that point. And you probably won’t stick to it anyway. You are basically out of grounding ammunition!
But, if you ground him for 24 hours, then if he misbehaves again later in the week, you can ground him again. Again, we want consequences to be learning experiences. A consequence that doesn’t fit the crime will just seem meaningless to your child, and won’t get you the desired result.
Remember, you don’t want to be so punitive that your child simply gives up. And you don’t want to use up all your consequences ammunition all at once.
It’s ineffective and doesn’t translate to better behavior. And better behavior IS the goal.
7. Engage Your Child’s Self-interest
Learn to ask questions in ways that appeal to your child’s self-interest. So for example, you might say:
“What are you going to do the next time you think Dad is being unfair so you won’t get into trouble?”
In other words, you’re trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he won’t care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from the feelings of others, particularly their parents. They might feel guilty and say they’re sorry later, but you’ll see the behavior happen again.
So learn to appeal to their self-interest, and ask him the question:
“What can you do so you don’t get in trouble next time?”
Put it in his best interests. Say to him:
“Understand, if you’re going to talk to your sister meanly or curse at her, things are only going to get worse for you, not better.
I know you want to keep your phone, so let’s think of ways for you to be able to do that.”
8. Learn to Know If a Consequence Is Working
Parents often say to me, “My child acts like he doesn’t care. So how do I know if the consequence I’m giving him is actually working?”
I always tell them, “It’s simple—you’ll know it’s working as long as he’s being held accountable.” Accountability gives you the best chance for change.
Think again about the police officer who gives the speeding ticket. Does he actually believe that a single speeding ticket ensures that a driver never speeds again? Of course not. But, the officer knows that if he holds the speeder accountable every time that even the worst offenders eventually learn to slow down.
9. Don’t Take Away Important Events
In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. That’s a milestone in your child’s life.
Personally, I think that milestones should not be taken away. Your child is not going to learn anything from that experience. He’s just going to be bitter.
I also believe that sports should not be taken away. I have no problem with kids missing a practice if that’s part of a consequence, but taking away the sport entirely is not a good idea.
10. Don’t Show Disgust or Disdain
When giving consequences to your child, be consistent and firm, but don’t show disgust or disdain.
In my opinion, you should never be sarcastic with your child because it’s wounding. What you’re trying to do is raise someone who can function, not somebody who feels they’re a constant disappointment to you.
It’s very important to shape your behavior so that your child knows you’re not taking his mistakes personally. Remember, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for getting your message across.
A Final Thought
I think it’s important to remember that life is really a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today.
Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Think of it this way: what you’re really trying to do is work on your child’s behavior to get him to try to do different things.
So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, you’re losing sight of all the other things he did right. And he will, too.
Instead, we want to look at inappropriate behavior as a mistake your child makes. Parents often wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, “Well, they do that because they’re kids. They’re not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults do.”
We want our kids to learn, so we use the things they enjoy as leverage to teach them better behavior.
After all, giving your child a consequence until he shows you he can do better is an effective tool you have at your disposal at all times—even if he tells you he doesn’t care.
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How to Discipline A Child Who Doesn't Care
Parenting
If the kid doesn’t care about a punishment, it’s the wrong punishment. But more severe does not necessarily mean more effective.
by Matthew Utley
Updated:
Originally Published:
Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/Getty
So, you tried child discipline and your kid simply shrugged it off. It could be that your child doesn’t respond to traditional punishment for kids.
Some parents might be tempted to call such a kid a stubborn child, or just plain bad. They react to timeouts and other consequences with indifference. Or as teens, they practically yawn at a raised voice. When that kind of stubbornness occurs, parents become frustrated and retaliate with more severe punishment out of anger or spite, which isn’t very fair or, frankly, effective.
Effective Discipline Isn’t Just About Punishment
According to Christi Campbell, a board-certified behavior analyst, getting a kid to react remorsefully to a harsh punishment isn’t what’s needed at all. “When a child doesn’t seem to care about discipline, it means there is a mismatch between the reason the child is being punished and the punishment that was given,” says Campbell. “Often, parents think that isolating the child by sending them to their room will be effective. However, there are times when sending a child to his or her room only serves as a retreat from the chaos of the household, which is not always a punishment.
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Parents would do better to realize why the unwanted, discipline-worthy behavior occurred in the first place if they want to find an appropriate punishment for kids. It also turns out that finding out why a kid misbehaves in a situation helps avoid that behavior in the future.
“Proactively, laying out expectations in a concrete way can be effective to avoid the need for punishment on occasion,” suggest Campbell. “This also eliminates the parent as the ‘bad guy’ since the expectations are in black-and-white and the child is now in charge of choosing to do the correct thing, not just because the parent is ‘policing’ them.”
Punishment for Kids Who Don’t Respond to Punishment
- Try something different: If punishment doesn’t work at discouraging bad behavior, there’s no reason to keep doing it.
- Be clear about expectations: Give kids a chance to succeed by reminding them what is expected of them.
- Embrace natural consequences: When the punishment is specific to the offense and logical, kids have a better chance of modifying their behavior.
- Praise the right actions: Don’t just punish the wrong behaviors. Make a habit of praising good decisions.
- Avoid the power struggle: Holding it over your kids’ head will undermine team mentality in your family.
Punishment Needs To Be Strategic
Trying to minimize parent-child conflicts and taking a child’s concerns seriously isn’t babying them. It’s the foundation of many ‘zero discipline’ strategies, and what is parenthood but trying to teach children to make good decisions? But sometimes patterns of unacceptable behavior persist, and kids need to be disciplined. The key to finding an effective course of action is to ground it in consequences that naturally derive from their actions.
“The punishment should be related to what the child did and why they did it and needs to be immediate so they connect it with the ‘crime,’ especially so, the younger they are,” advises Campbell. “Did the child not clean up their room? Maybe they can clean their room and the living room for the next week.
Did they come home late without calling? They need to call once an hour the next time they go out.”
If the child’s behavior hasn’t improved, the new punishment isn’t really getting to the core of the issue either, and parents should try another tack. If the behavior does improve, good. The punishment is effective, and parents should remember to praise kids for their improved behavior.
“Avoid the power struggle. You know you’re in charge,” says Campbell. “Beating them over the head with it will not help your cause. It will only undermine the team mentality of your family.”
This article was originally published on
How to properly punish a child: 10 important rules
One of the eternal questions of parents, a cause for anxiety and worry, heated discussions and disputes - should children be punished or not? And if yes, then how to do it right, so as not to harm the unstable child's psyche? And if you do not punish, then where is the guarantee that the child will not grow up as a spoiled egoist, ready at any moment to sit on the neck of kind-hearted parents and turn into a real tormentor? About this "Oh!" said family psychotherapist and clinical psychologist Maria Merolaeva.
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Maria Merolaeva, clinical psychologist, family psychotherapist
Some parents believe that a child is a source of sins and vices, it is necessary to punish him, using physical force, not sparing, otherwise nothing good will grow out of him. As a rule, they defend their position by saying that “we were beaten in childhood, and we grew up to be good people”, citing as an example those who grew up “not very”, which means, most likely, “they beat us a little”. The meaning of such a model of education is to subordinate the will of the child to himself, "so that he does not do stupid things." nine0003
The other extreme is to avoid any punishment, justifying it by saying that the child is “small, he just doesn’t understand what he is doing, he doesn’t do it on purpose, you just need to be able to negotiate with him” and so on. Thus, parents, without noticing it themselves, remove responsibility from their child. This model has become widespread in connection with the growth of the "value of the child" and denies the very idea of \u200b\u200bthe family hierarchy.
In fact, neither the first nor the second option is allowed. It is impossible to use physical and moral violence (to threaten, not to talk, blackmail, shout) to a child in any case. Of course, there are cases when a parent, under the influence of emotions, loses control and can spank or raise his voice, but deliberately making a child suffer means not leaving him a chance to develop such feelings as compassion, regret, not giving him the opportunity to realize that he is important and expensive. nine0003
Most often, parents leave the child completely unpunished, who are afraid of offending him, harming him, perhaps giving in to children's tantrums and anger, trying by any means to minimize their manifestations, or in the case of pedagogical neglect, when there is simply no strength to educate and it is easier to be allowed to do whatever you want than to try to change the behavior of the baby.
To figure out how to punish a child in a way that makes sense, you need to understand what punishment is, what is its purpose? What do we as parents want to achieve by punishing our children? nine0003
Etymologically, the word "punishment" comes from the verb "to show" - that is, to instruct, show.
Then it is logical that "punishment" is something that we use to direct the child on the right path, to outline for him the boundaries of what is permitted. As a rule, when punishing, we want the best for our children - so that they understand what is good and what is bad, grow up as "real", "worthy" people, do not make irreparable mistakes in their lives, become better than us.
Then the next question is: what should be the punishment for the child to really realize that he did wrong, learn from what happened and learn from the experience? Will we achieve these lofty goals by raising a child with the help of carrots and sticks? Of course not. The only thing we can teach with such methods is to be afraid of punishments and parents, to try to earn encouragement, rewards - and all this without really thinking about what happened.
In order for punishment to be useful, and not just a way to relieve an upset, tired, helpless parent, the following rules must be observed:
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The main rule stems from the basic need that every child has - the need for affection.
A parent for a child is, first of all, a source of protection, children need the care of a strong and responsible adult who is a priori higher and dominates, but not in order to subjugate and oppress, but in order to help and protect. When a secure attachment is formed, a very close bond is established between the child and the parent, which greatly simplifies the interaction and makes the baby obedient. When punishing a child, it is important to maintain a respectful attitude towards him. nine0003 -
In order for the lesson to be learned, the child, first of all, must understand, realize what he is wrong about, feel the consequences of his misconduct. And these consequences are not the belt or the cry of an angry parent, not the deprivation of sweets or the prohibition to leave the house. It is something that follows directly from what has been done. For example, if you were late home and didn’t call, it means that you don’t know how to plan your time and it’s too early for you to go out in the evenings with friends.
You scream and cry on the playground or in the store - I'm very sorry, but it spoils my mood so much that now I don't want to continue the walk anymore and we will have to return home. If you didn’t do your homework on time, then you have to do it before going to bed instead of a cartoon or evening reading. If you offended someone and did not apologize, then they will no longer want to play with you. The essence of this method is that for every action the child receives a response from life itself. This helps him gain an orientation in how the world works. It is this tactic that teaches children to anticipate the consequences of their actions in the future, to feel regret for what turned out badly. nine0003 -
Under no circumstances should a child have doubts that his parents love him for who he is. He must understand that he will be accepted regardless of his actions. That is why when punishing, it is important to focus on the offense, and not on the personality characteristics of the child.
If, for example, a kid, while playing with food, spills soup, you should not tell him that he is a "blunder" - just explain why his act is bad and offer him a cleaning rag to consolidate the experience gained. nine0003 -
When punishing a child, focus on staying in an adult position. If at the moment of a conversation with a child the parent feels irritation or despair, this means that he has been knocked out of the position of an adult. This often happens when children's tears, whims and tantrums awaken the inner child in us - then we become helpless. In this case, you should ask yourself the question "How old am I now?", step aside, cool down a bit and only after that return to the conversation. For example, in a situation where a child refuses to turn off the TV, but a large number of cartoons is definitely not good for him, a mother from an adult position can say this: “I'm sorry, but I can't let you watch the second cartoon, because if you watch two in a row, then you have a tantrum, and everyone’s mood deteriorates.
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Be consistent, consistent and predictable in your demands and reactions. This means that within the family there must be some unified concept of what is possible, what is not, what is good and what is bad. The child must be initiated into the nuances of this concept and firmly know what he can be punished for. At the same time, the way the parents react should not depend on the mood, the weather outside the window and the time of year. For example, if a mother in a good mood asks a child to turn off the TV, and he starts to act up and does not turn it off, she, smiling, allows him to continue. But in the same situation, if the mother is in a bad mood, she starts to quarrel, scream and most likely punish the baby. In this state of affairs, the child is simply not able to learn what he can and cannot do. nine0003
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It is very important to use so-called "temporary" language, rather than permanent language, when talking to a child about bad behavior. For example, “You just broke a toy, now you have to play without it for a while” instead of saying “You always break everything! I will never buy you toys again.
” Using words such as “never, never, to anyone,” you risk not fulfilling this promise and losing trust. -
Punishment must be age-appropriate. It is useless to try to explain something and give lectures to a two-year-old kid, because he is simply not able to learn what you are telling him about and cannot concentrate voluntary attention for more than five minutes. In the same way, it does not make sense as a punishment to forbid a teenager to eat sweets. nine0003
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Punishment must be just and proportionate to the seriousness of the act.
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In no case should you frighten and intimidate a child - this is a sure way to teach him to lie and get out.
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Always, under any circumstances, remember the greatest value that we have - the emotional connection with the child. After all, if you think about it, it becomes obvious that not a single spoiled sofa or a bad mark at school, an extra 30 minutes at the computer or a lost phone is worth breaking this connection, darkening the image of the inner parent that each of us hears somewhere in soul when it needs protection, support, love and acceptance.
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If parents are perfectionists: 6 injuries from childhood
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Photo: Antonio Guillem/Shutterstock
Psychology of Psychology of Psychology of Psychology of Psychology
Measures of punishment for a child ✔️ How to punish correctly
Punishment of children is a hot topic that always causes holivars in social networks and forums. Someone believes that there is nothing wrong with slapping a child on the pope or giving him a cuff for disobedience. Someone is categorically against physical manifestations of violence and prefers to simply stop talking to a child in the event of a childish offense, believing that education by silence is an effective thing. (Spoiler: no.)
So where is the line after which punishment = violence, how to educate children so as not to injure their psyche, but at the same time teach them to be responsible for their actions? We will talk about this in our new article.
And also we will understand why children misbehave, who is to blame and what to do. How to punish, how not to, and in the final - 18 tips from psychologists that will help build a balanced education system, without distortions in punishment and permissiveness.
Find out if your child follows your restrictions and rules when you are not around. See where he is now, what time he came home and where he was during the day, and listen to the sound around him with the help of the Find My Kids app.
Content:
- Punishment of children
- Bad behavior: why the child does not obey
- Why there are difficulties in education
- Punishment in the culture of different countries
- Is it possible to punish or scold a child? nine0090
- Borders in education
Punishing children
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There is no other topic in parenting that causes so much emotion and heated debate in parents. If at 9In the 0s, they argued more about how best to punish - to beat with a belt or stop talking , now the battles have shifted to the field "punish or talk" , and this pleases.
In dictionaries, the word "punishment" is interpreted as the application of undesirable or unpleasant influences to another person in order to stop or stop undesirable or anti-normative behavior.
Any punishment involves inequality, because it is an overbearing coercion of someone to a desired behavior. nine0003
Punishment always contains:
- the punisher is a certain judge, legislator who determines what is right and wrong;
- punished - one who suffers as a result of the actions of another person.
There is no doubt that it is best to explain the rules to the child, to speak and tell how to behave correctly. For most children, such conversations are enough (it is important to know and be able to talk like that).
But we all differ from each other in constitution, temperament, character traits, desires, needs and much more. Therefore, there will always be children who are temperamental, stubborn, persistent in their desires, who do not want to listen and obey. nine0003
Bad Behavior: Why Your Child Doesn't Obey
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What to do in situations where talking doesn't help and the child behaves destructively towards others, denies and breaks the rules? To endure, swear, go to a psychologist or hang a belt on a carnation?
Of course, go to a psychologist if you feel difficulties in dealing with children that you find it difficult to cope with. I think every psychologist at the reception heard:
- I know not to yell, but I don't know what to do
- He (s) does not listen to me at all, what should I do?
- We scolded him (her), and put him in a corner, and spanked him a couple of times, nothing works.
- Tell me, at what age and should children be punished?
- How to deal with disobedience?
Do you have children? If not, then just remember your childhood.
And before you read on, do the following :
- Write down in a column all the rewards that you use in raising a child. Happened? nine0028
- Now write down in another column all the punishments that you use when the child does not obey.
- Compare two lists. Which one is longer? What was harder to write?
- Now, next to each item, write a clear definition for what exactly you are using this reward and punishment.
This task highlights what we do not notice in our parental everyday life - as a rule, we hand out punishments right and left and completely forget to encourage children for something good, right. Everything that the child does right is taken for granted and we do not notice it, concentrating only on the negative and children's missteps. nine0003
Why there are difficulties in upbringing
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Difficulties in raising children are connected with several things:
not to yell, but he doesn’t know how to do it differently, because, for example, there was no positive experience in his family.
2. Imbalance of rewards and punishments towards the last
In this case, the motivation to follow the rules decreases (what is the point of obeying if you are punished anyway)
When parents behave unpredictably and change the punishment for the same offense (they will shout, then they will slap, then they will deprive the cartoons, then they will simply scold). As a result, the child does not have a clear understanding of “what happens for what”. Punishment in this case is perceived more as the impulsiveness of the parent. As a result, the child's anxiety rises, neurotic reactions arise (after all, every time, having committed a fault, the child does not know what to expect from his parents), behavior worsens, i.e., the very “disobedience” occurs. nine0003
- Inconsistency
When different family members use different methods of upbringing, and there are no general rules in the family.
The consequences are the same as in the first paragraph.
- Discrepancy between the age of the child and the requirements imposed on him by adults
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There are children who by the age of 3 speak excellently, are ahead of their peers in terms of intellectual development, and, for example, are tall. Such a child is almost always perceived by parents as more mature than he really is, and they begin to require him to perform such actions and complex instructions as if he were an older preschooler. For example, parents may be concerned that the child does not clean his room, does not put toys back after playing. Naturally, the child begins to act up, often cry, neurotic reactions may appear signs (tics, fears, sleep disturbance and behavior). nine0003
- Neurological or developmental problems
It happens that parents do not see developmental difficulties behind bad behavior or it is difficult for them to admit it.
- Hyperactivity
Attention deficit disorder may be accompanied by impulsiveness of a child and adolescent, impaired concentration and volitional qualities. In this case, children break the rules and do not obey, not because they do not want to, but because they cannot remember the instructions, stay within the boundaries of what is permitted. The mistake in this case will be excessive pressure and demands. nine0003
- Parental inconsistency and fuzzy rules for everyone
In this case, the child's condition can be compared to a newbie at the wheel who does not know the traffic rules. He breaks the rules, not knowing about them, or hoping that he will "slip through" because he has managed to do it before.
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- Different parenting tactics for different family members
This can lead to neuroticism in the child, as a result he becomes naughty and capricious.
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- Many bans
Sometimes parents are so worried about the safety or "proper upbringing" of their children that in the house and on the street all you hear from them is "no", "get away", "don't go in", "it's too early for you." As if the whole world becomes forbidden. This situation is unacceptable for a child who is just getting to know the world and has a strong interest in everything new. Therefore, it is logical that he "ceases to hear" these prohibitions.
- Lack of adult attention
If little attention is paid to a child in the family, then he begins to attract him in any way, including bad behavior. Indifference for a child is worse than punishment.
Punishment in different cultures
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There have been many monocultural and several cross-cultural studies on the punishment of children. According to statistics, corporal punishment of children is used in 7% of cultures, but "often" - only in 20% of communities.
In 82% of cultures, suggestion, demonstration of behavior examples and other milder methods of education are most often used compared to physical punishment. nine0003
There are cultures where beating children and some kind of physical force is not practiced at all. For example, Canadian Inuit Bedouins never beat children and generally give them maximum freedom. If the child misbehaves, they usually make fun of him and tease him, and if he ignores the remarks, they stop talking to him.
In Japanese culture, there is a period of permissiveness - from birth to 5 years. At this time, they generally try not to demand ideal behavior from the child, do not make any special remarks to him and do not limit his behavior. At this stage of development, parents only explain why it is impossible to do this, and express their grief at bad behavior. However, by the time the child enters school, the behavior of the child is already strictly regulated by the rules of conduct. nine0003
Can a child be punished or scolded?
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If punishment means beatings and shouting, then no. If we are talking about prohibitions and methods of maintaining the rules and setting the boundaries of what is permitted, then yes. In any case, there should be restrictions.
A full-fledged parent is not the one who only praises the child, but the one who creates the conditions for development.
This is a person who introduces the world, the rules and promotes the child's adaptation in the world and society. nine0003
If a child in the family has not learned to adhere to the rules of behavior, then he will break them outside the family, but the world will not forgive him as readily as his parents.
Boundaries in education
An important role in education is played by the correct establishment of personal psychological boundaries.
Healthy boundaries:
- serve to maintain integrity: physical and emotional;
- allow you to build relationships with other people without conflict.
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If a child was indulged in everything in the family, if super comfortable conditions were created, then it is likely that when he enters the world, this world will seem too cruel and unpredictable to him. As a result, such a person is injured more than an ordinary adult and experiences tremendous stress.
Check if your child is doing well in the open world. Track his route or current location, call him instantly if needed, and listen to what's going on around him with the Find My Kids app. nine0003
Criteria and goals of punishment
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Since any punishment is an action that causes suffering in their object, several criteria are decisive and very important when choosing how to punish a child for disobedience:
- Actions by which punishment is carried out
Their range is wide: from a gesture of disapproval or a simple verbal remark to severe beatings.
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- Instruments used to punish
It can be a word or a belt.
- Legitimation
Methods of substantiating punishment, proving their necessity, legitimacy and proportionality.
Every punishment usually has some purpose. No one, being in their right mind, punishes a child just like that, in advance, for prevention or because of a bad mood. All punishments, as a rule, come down to three goals:
- Revenge.
- Intimidate so that the child does not repeat such actions in the future.
- Long-term change in value orientations and motivation, change in behavior.
8 forbidden tricks, or how not to punish
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What tricks are considered forbidden? What, punishing, is absolutely impossible to do? More on that below.
1. Beat
In 2004, the Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe proclaimed a pan-European ban on corporal punishment of children.
But according to polls in the same America 90% of parents believe in the effectiveness of spanking. In our country, the percentage is not less.
!!! Physical punishment is not only ineffective as a method of education, but also contributes to the maintenance of the "subculture of violence" (pugnacity, identification with aggressiveness). Aggression can only give rise to aggression or fear as a way to suppress aggression. Neither one nor the other contributes to the formation of confidence and ability to implement.
2. Humiliate
To mock, criticize in public. This adversely affects self-esteem and injures the psyche. nine0003
3. Intimidate on behalf of supernatural beings or on your own behalf
There is a risk that the child will be afraid, will grow up anxious.
4. Insult, use labels
“You are a slob”, “who are you like…”, etc - be careful with such words, the child can believe in it and take this attitude with him for the rest of his life.
5. Blaming “bad genetics” (“You are just like your father”)
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Don't act out your conflicts with your current or former spouse on your child. The child cannot "cast out" the existing "bad" part of himself. This is something that he did not choose, and cannot be held responsible for his own, even an unlucky parent. Such tactics lead to a lot of shame in a person, which can manifest itself in many ways in well-being and behavior.
6. Punish what the child cannot regulate (e.g. enuresis, tics, motor clumsiness)
With such punishments, children, trying to stop unwanted manifestations, relying on their will, are exhausted and reach despair, and the symptoms only intensify. In addition, shame is mixed with resentment, the child's self-esteem suffers.
7. Reject (do not talk, ignore, deprive of love), arrange a boycott, say “I don't love you anymore”
For a child, this is the most terrible punishment.
Rejection by a parent is internally perceived as a threat to life. With age, this does not go anywhere, and many adults have echoes of such upbringing. All this affects the relationship with others and with oneself. nine0003
8. Infringe on basic needs
Never and under no circumstances should you punish with food, walks, necessary things for full development.
Punishments: how is it possible? 6 "legal" methods of punishment
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1. Method of natural consequences
This method is psychologically painless and most appropriate at any age. For example, a 3 year old wants to wear ski pants on a summer day. You can explain why you think that shorts are more suitable for a walk, but do not try to influence the decision, but give him the opportunity to see for himself that if he dresses like that, he will be hot. nine0003
What is understood from one's own experience is remembered for a long time.
Using this method, it is very important for parents not to fall into gloating like “I told you!”.
2. Remark
Often, instead of a reprimand (when a parent pays attention to something), there are reproaches and criticism (“You always have a mess!”). It is important that this is not a reproach, but a reason to look for a solution to the problem.
For example: “I get upset and angry when I step on the details of the designer scattered on the floor throughout the apartment. Let's think together what we can do about it." nine0003
3. Time out
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A method whereby a child is removed from a shared space to a separate room and left there alone for a period of time. This allows you to temporarily increase the distance between an adult and a child and “cool down”, adjust your emotions.
It is believed that a child alone is not traumatized by a time interval in minutes that is a multiple of his age.
For example, for a 3-year-old child, this is 3 minutes, for a 4-year-old, four, etc. The room where you take the child to "cool down" should be bright, with a window. In no case is a pantry, toilet or other dark room. nine0003
4. Ignore
Do not reward unwanted behavior with attention. A good method, but difficult to perform - it is usually difficult for adults to maintain self-control and not react to negative manifestations in the child's behavior.
5. Deprivation
This is when a child loses something important and desirable for himself for breaking the rules. For example, a ban on watching cartoons or playing computer games.
It is important that the child knows the initial agreements, for what exactly and what he is deprived of in case of non-compliance with the rules. You can’t just deprive a child of watching cartoons if he “behaved badly” today. You must agree on this from the outset. nine0003
For preschool children, these rules and deprivations can be drawn or, if the child can already read, written on a plastic board or piece of paper and hung on the wall.
Often children behave badly, not because they are villains, but because they have forgotten.
The second important point is the proportionality of punishment. A small offense is a small deprivation. It is illogical for a small fault to deprive of watching TV for 2 months, moreover, it will be difficult for adults to endure it themselves.
6. Symbolic economy method
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Very good method for middle school children, teenagers. When at the family council they agree with the child what actions are awarded with points and in what quantity, and for what the deprivation of “points” occurs.
Here it is important to develop a system of rewards, accrual and write-off of points. Further, the accumulated points are exchanged for something valuable for the child. It can be something tangible (for example, buying a car, a magazine, etc.) or not (for example, an additional 15 minutes of computer games, a board game with parents or a walk with friends)
In this method, it is important that points are not obtained very easily, but not very difficult either - in either case, motivation will disappear.
This simple method is already suitable for children 4-5 years old. From the age of 9-10 and including adolescence, this way of regulating behavior is best suited. With teenagers, it makes sense to try to conclude even a written contract if it is impossible to agree verbally.
6.1 Restriction
This is a method where a restriction of rights is introduced in response to violation of important rules. nine0003
For example, for each violation of the rule, the evening lights out starts 15 minutes earlier, i.e. the child goes to bed not at 21:00, but at 20:45.
Find out if your child follows your restrictions and rules when you are not around. See where he is now, what time he came home and where he was during the day, and listen to the sound around him with the help of the Find My Kids app.
It must be understood that there is no single best way to regulate the behavior of children and instill in them good habits: someone is more sensitive, someone is "thick-skinned.
" There is no identical child and identical family, therefore it is more important to decide for yourself the principles that you will adhere to in dealing with children, and choose the best methods for yourself and your child that will not destroy anyone present, but are strategically useful for the development of the child . nine0003
4 ways to influence children's behavior without punishment
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Are there ways to influence children's behavior without punishment? Yes. These are encouragement and attention to good behavior and changes in behavior in the desired direction, although this seems too simple (simplicity is only at first glance).
1. Attention to detail
The most effective method of parenting to change a child's unwanted behavior is to pay attention, to notice all that is desirable, and to ignore any disturbances and difficult behavior in a child. nine0003
Usually everything happens the other way around: if the child behaves in an exemplary way, we feel that everything is in order, we relax, it seems to us that this is how it should be.
But as soon as the child breaks the rules or starts misbehaving, we reprimand him. Changing this tactic is not easy, but it is worth it.
The point is to give attention and praise when the child is at least moving in the direction in which we would like his development to go.
For example, a child often fights in kindergarten, and teachers say that he is aggressive, it is difficult for him to restrain his emotions, he does not sit still, often interrupts adults, cannot wait for his turn, etc. In this case, it will be useful to note aloud the moment as soon as the child sat quietly for at least five minutes or refrained from conflicts with peers. Bring it to your attention and discuss how important it is and how great he did today. nine0003
It is very important to use “descriptive praise” rather than evaluative one. In other words, say not “you are doing well today”, but “I am proud that today you politely communicated with the guys in the yard and with the kindergarten teachers.
You managed to sit quietly, although you really wanted to run. I noticed that you made almost no mistakes in your work, you tried to write neatly.
2. Reward good behavior
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Reward always works better than punishment.
3. Emphasize the strengths and virtues of the child
This will allow the child to build on them. Ultimately, to be honest, it is more important for us that the child feels strong and able to cope with difficulties. Criticism and punishment will not achieve this. We all need support.
4. Praise in advance
You can try to praise for a quality that the child does not yet have. For example, he is rude and often inattentive in communication. You, on the contrary, casually notice in his presence that you are pleased that he knows how to be polite and respectful. Sometimes say it to him. nine0003
If we treat people a little better than they are, they may be motivated to become that way, to reach out to this relationship.
18 Tips for Parents Contemplating Parenting and Punishment
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- Punishments must always be justified.
- The measure of restraint must be clear to the child.
- Rules and restrictions give a feeling of confidence and security. nine0025 Parents should not always be the ones who set the rules and enforce them - the harmonious participation of children in setting and observing is also useful.
- Show your love more often.
- Consider your child capable of many things, talented. Actions should lead to a feeling of strength and ability, not helplessness and despair.
- Avoid cruelty.
- Be flexible in your communication with your child, come up with methods, ways that will help you maintain love and a strong bond with your child. nine0028
- Change the rules as your child's age and circumstances change. What a preschooler cannot do can be allowed to a teenager (for example, coming home not at 18:00, at 20:00, allowed to go to bed a little later)
- Be consistent.
Inconsistency in rewards and punishments is the path to neurosis. - Separate personality and actions. Because someone behaves badly, he does not become bad. An act can be bad, but everyone can make a mistake.
- Do not threaten with unrealistic consequences that you cannot provide. Try not to threaten at all. nine0028
- Each family has its own rules, do not look for ready-made ones.
- Rules for everyone - both for adults and for children!
- Maintain patience and self-control. No one understands what is said if they are shouted at.
- Don't pick on. If you often feel irritable, try to figure out what it has more to do with. Sometimes the reasons lie not in the behavior of the child, but in your health.
- Don't expect perfection from yourself. It's okay to err. And parents too. Therefore, do not be strict with yourself and do not punish yourself instead of the child. nine0028
- If you encounter unexpected difficulties that you can't cope with, seek help from a specialist.
