How to increase self esteem of a child

Your Child's Self-Esteem (for Parents)

Sometimes it's easy to notice when kids seem to feel good about themselves — and when they don't. We often describe this idea of feeling good about ourselves as "self-esteem."

Kids with self-esteem:

feel liked and accepted
feel confident
feel proud of what they can do
think good things about themselves
believe in themselves

Kids with low self-esteem:

are self-critical and hard on themselves
feel they're not as good as other kids
think of the times they fail rather than when they succeed
lack confidence
doubt they can do things well

Why Self-Esteem Matters

Kids who feel good about themselves have the confidence to try new things. They are more likely to try their best. They feel proud of what they can do. Self-esteem helps kids cope with mistakes. It helps kids try again, even if they fail at first. As a result, self-esteem helps kids do better at school, at home, and with friends.

Kids with low self-esteem feel unsure of themselves. If they think others won't accept them, they may not join in. They may let others treat them poorly. They may have a hard time standing up for themselves. They may give up easily, or not try at all. Kids with low self-esteem find it hard to cope when they make a mistake, lose, or fail. As a result, they may not do as well as they could.

How Self-Esteem Develops

Self-esteem can start as early as babyhood. It develops slowly over time. It can start just because a child feels safe, loved, and accepted. It can start when a baby gets positive attention and loving care.

As babies become toddlers and young children, they're able to do some things all by themselves. They feel good about themselves when they can use their new skills. Their self-esteem grows when parents pay attention, let a child try, give smiles, and show they're proud.

As kids grow, self-esteem can grow too. Any time kids try things, do things, and learn things can be a chance for self-esteem to grow. This can happen when kids:

make progress toward a goal
learn things at school
make friends and get along
learn skills — music, sports, art, cooking, tech skills
practice favorite activities
help, give, or be kind
get praise for good behaviors
try hard at something
do things they're good at and enjoy
are included by others
feel understood and accepted
get a prize or a good grade they know they've earned

When kids have self-esteem, they feel confident, capable, and accepted for who they are.

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How Parents Can Build Self-Esteem

Every child is different. Self-esteem may come easier to some kids than others. And some kids face things that can lower their self-esteem. But even if a child's self-esteem is low, it can be raised.

Here are things parents can do to help kids feel good about themselves:

Help your child learn to do things. At every age, there are new things for kids to learn. Even during babyhood, learning to hold a cup or take first steps sparks a sense of mastery and delight. As your child grows, things like learning to dress, read, or ride a bike are chances for self-esteem to grow.

When teaching kids how to do things, show and help them at first. Then let them do what they can, even if they make mistakes. Be sure your child gets a chance to learn, try, and feel proud. Don't make new challenges too easy — or too hard.

Praise your child, but do it wisely. Of course, it's good to praise kids. Your praise is a way to show that you're proud. But some ways of praising kids can actually backfire.

Here's how to do it right:

Don't overpraise. Praise that doesn't feel earned doesn't ring true. For example, telling a child he played a great game when he knows he didn't feels hollow and fake. It's better to say, "I know that wasn't your best game, but we all have off days. I'm proud of you for not giving up." Add a vote of confidence: "Tomorrow, you'll be back on your game."
Praise effort. Avoid focusing praise only on results (such as getting an A) or fixed qualities (such as being smart or athletic).
Instead, offer most of your praise for effort, progress, and attitude. For example: "You're working hard on that project," "You're getting better and better at these spelling tests," or, "I'm proud of you for practicing piano — you've really stuck with it." With this kind of praise, kids put effort into things, work toward goals, and try. When kids do that, they're more likely to succeed.

Be a good role model. When you put effort into everyday tasks (like raking the leaves, making a meal, cleaning up the dishes, or washing the car), you're setting a good example. Your child learns to put effort into doing homework, cleaning up toys, or making the bed.

Modeling the right attitude counts too. When you do tasks cheerfully (or at least without grumbling or complaining), you teach your child to do the same. When you avoid rushing through chores and take pride in a job well done, you teach your child to do that too.

Ban harsh criticism. The messages kids hear about themselves from others easily translate into how they feel about themselves. Harsh words ("You're so lazy!") are harmful, not motivating. When kids hear negative messages about themselves, it harms their self-esteem. Correct kids with patience. Focus on what you want them to do next time. When needed, show them how.

Focus on strengths. Pay attention to what your child does well and enjoys. Make sure your child has chances to develop these strengths. Focus more on strengths than weaknesses if you want to help kids feel good about themselves. This improves behavior too.

Let kids help and give. Self-esteem grows when kids get to see that what they do matters to others. Kids can help out at home, do a service project at school, or do a favor for a sibling. Helping and kind acts build self-esteem and other good feelings.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD

Date reviewed: July 2018

11 tips on building self-esteem in children

Simply praising your child can actually do more harm than good. Here's a comprehensive guide on how to build self confidence in a child.

Photo by Brand New Images/Getty Images

Last week, my son Aaron made the school soccer team. Boy, was I proud. And I couldn’t stop saying so. “Good job, buddy! You’re the best!” I beamed, he beamed, and all seemed right with the world.

It’s not the first time my kids have heard me shout their praises. I’m the resident cheering section, their biggest fan, a back-patter extraordinaire. These days, you can find me handing out compliments as if they’re sticks of gum—when my kids practise guitar, score a goal, help with dishes. The mom logic goes like this: The kid does good (or good enough for me), so I make him feel great about himself. It’s called boosting self-esteem. Or so I thought. Here are some things you may not have considered about building self-esteem in children.

1. Step back

As it turns out, there are better ways to build self-esteem than heaping on praise for everything kids do—starting with helping them become competent in the world, says Jim Taylor, author of the book Your Kids Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You. To do so, though, you have to learn to step back and let your child take risks, make choices, solve problems and stick with what they start.

2. Over-praising kids does more harm than good

Self-esteem comes from feeling loved and secure, and from developing competence, Taylor says, and although parents often shower their kids with the first two ingredients, competence—becoming good at things—takes time and effort. “As much as we may want to, we can’t praise our kids into competence,” he says.

In fact, by over-praising kids, we’re doing more harm than good. “We’re lowering the bar for them,” Taylor says. “If you keep telling your child she is already doing a fantastic job, you’re saying she no longer needs to push herself. But confidence comes from doing, from trying and failing and trying again—from practise.”

Samantha MacLeod, who has four boys, ages one to nine, believes constant complimenting can actually erode self-esteem. Either kids start thinking they’re perfect or they try to be perfect all the time—an impossible standard. And inaccurate praise confuses them, she says. “If my son can’t spell and I tell him he’s doing terrific, he learns not to trust his own instincts. He also learns that praise is just flat-out lying.”

Plus, Taylor adds, telling your child he’s the best, the smartest or the most talented is setting him up for some very bad news down the road. You’re creating an egomaniac who thinks his scribbles are Rothkos but, sooner or later, he’ll discover he’s not all that after all.

3. Let your child take healthy risks

Start by forcing yourself to stand back while your child takes healthy risks, says Victoria Sopik, CEO of Kids & Company, a corporate childcare service in Toronto, and a mother of eight. “To build confidence in the world, kids have to take chances, make choices and take responsibility for them,” Sopik says. She sees too many parents trying to rescue their kids from failure all the time.

Sopik remembers staring from across the room as her two-year-old son, Fraser, lifted a huge jug of orange pop at a fancy party. “He was about to pour it into a glass, and I just stood there, holding my breath,” Sopik recalls. Rather than trying to save her son before he had a chance to try, Sopik watched as Fraser spilled the pop all over the floor.

Then came the best part: Fraser found a waitress, asked for a paper towel and cleaned up his own mess. “He solved his own problem—just like we do as successful adults,” Sopik says.

4. Let kids make their own choices

When kids make their own age-appropriate choices, they feel more powerful, says Sopik, pointing out that kids as young as two can start considering the consequences of their decisions. Sopik always let her kids decide on their own whether to wear a coat, hat and mittens in winter. “Once they knew the difference between warm and cold, it was up to them. They should have control over their bodies and take responsibility for their choices,” she says.

5. Let them help around the house

In building self-esteem, kids also need opportunities to demonstrate their competence and feel that their contribution is valuable, says Taylor. At home, that means asking them, even when they’re toddlers, to help with cooking, setting the table and making beds.

6. Encourage them to pursue their interests (fully)

Another surefire way to boost confidence in kids is to encourage them to take on tasks they show interest in, then make sure they follow through to completion. It doesn’t matter what the task—it could be anything from swimming laps to beating levels in video games. The point is for them to stick with what they start, so they feel that hit of accomplishment at the end.

7. What to do when children struggle or fail

What if your child’s self-esteem plummets when she gets cut from the gymnastics team or can’t memorize multiplication tables?

8. Don’t lose sleep over it

“So many parents have it backward,” Taylor says. “They think struggles and failure will hurt their kids’ self-esteem, but it’s actually a golden opportunity to help build it.”

9. Make clear that your love is unconditional

Let your child know you love her even when she fails or makes bad decisions. If all you talk about is performance, Sopik points out, she will think you only love her for her report card or the lead she got in the play.

10. Make sure your child’s goals are within reach, at a level appropriate for his ability

That may mean suggesting he join house league, where he can feel like a star rather than being the last one picked on the AA team. MacLeod learned this lesson when her son, Alex, was in grade two. Feeling like a failure at reading, Alex was ready to give up when MacLeod brought home some Magic Tree House books, which were slightly below Alex’s level. “He read one every two days and was so proud of himself that he went on to read the Goosebumps series, no problem,” she recalls. Afterward, mother and son talked about how Alex’s choice to practise paid off, and she praised his perseverance.

11. Offer appropriate praise

Although praise is often misused, when it’s specific and earned, it is a valuable self-esteem builder, Taylor says.

Lorna Crosse, a former music teacher, remembers asking her choir students to keep a “brag file” full of praise they earned. Any time they saw their names in a program or newspaper article or received a complimentary note, they were to put it inside. “When the kids had a bad day, they would take out those words of praise and read all the neat things they had done, and it would make them feel better about themselves. ”

The brag file works because it shows kids specific ways they’re special and teaches them that practise reaps rewards, Taylor says. And it’s the practise—the effort—that should be the focus of praise, Sopik says. “Don’t just say ‘great play’. Tell him it was awesome how he passed the ball to his teammate.”

And keep in mind that a little indirect praise, such as stars on a chore chart, can work wonders. Mom Nancy Botelho gets even more inventive. She makes sure her kids “overhear” a little boasting. “I’ll tell my friends how the teacher said Margaret is so kind, or how I saw Bridget working so hard at tying her shoes. The kids just shine. Since they were spying, they know I mean it and I’m not just trying to make them feel good.”

Your self-esteem checklist

Here are some of the things that the Canadian Mental Health Association says you can do to help raise confident—not coddled—kids:

Feel special. It’s imporant for you to help your children discover their own unique talents and qualities, and to value their own strengths. But also teach them that feeling special doesn’t mean feeling better than others.

Set goals. Teach your kids to work towards a goal and to have pride in their accomplishments. Provide them with opportunities for success.

Try, try again. Encourage your children to try things their own way, face challenges and take risks.

This article was originally published in July 2013.

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4 Councils of a psychologist How to increase self -esteem for a child

Self -assessment

Psychology

08/29/2021

Natalya Smelova

Tutor, mentor of the Maximum Education

program in this article:

We say “Self” ”, and the words “high” or “low”, “underestimated” or “overestimated” come to mind. It seems that self-esteem is something that a person is born with and lives with all his life, and advice on how to raise self-esteem and confidence in a child does not really work.

In fact, the question is: "How to raise a child's self-esteem?" - not empty at all. Adolescence is one of the most sensitive. Right now it is worth paying great attention to self-esteem so that the child does not worry about mental health problems in the future. Yes, it is possible to correct self-esteem later - clients of psychologists do this - but this will be more time-consuming work. Better and easier to do it now.

How do you know if a child has low self-esteem?

The main sign of low self-esteem is anxiety and insecure perception of oneself. It is difficult for a teenager to answer questions about who he is, what he likes, what his strengths and weaknesses are, what he likes in himself and what he does not. To be extremely correct, this is not low, but shallow self-esteem. But as a result, a person feels insecure in a variety of life situations.

Typical phrases of a teenager who has problems with self-esteem

A teenager's low self-esteem manifests itself in speech and in situations where he has to evaluate himself or face the assessment of other people.

If they celebrate his success: I just got lucky. The others just did worse. Yes, nothing special .
If they thank you: D but I didn't do anything. Yes, it's easy for me. Do not mind it. Get behind.
If they give a compliment: Yes, here I am (and pays attention to the shortcomings of his appearance: acne, stomach, etc.)
If they offer to try something difficult: It still won't work. I can not. I can not.

Sometimes there is a feeling that the child is flirting and asking for praise. But really, he just doesn't feel worthy of recognition and is already thinking about how everyone will realize that he's actually not that good. In this case, you need to think about how to increase the self-esteem of the child, and not shame him.

Self-perception of an adolescent with low self-esteem

The consequences of this self-esteem, whatever we call it, make life difficult for a teenager.

The teenager feels that he will fail. Fear of failure either makes him passive or forces him to spend a lot of energy on modest attempts to overcome difficulties.
Adolescents who are insecure often experience a whole range of negative feelings: sadness, depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, inner stupor or anger. At the same time, having experienced joy, they immediately experience fear: since you are not worthy of happiness, it will soon end and turn out to be a deception.
Children with low self-esteem cannot stand up for themselves and defend their opinions. As a result, very often they do not do what they consider necessary and correct. It is difficult for them to refuse other people, even if they are involved in something against their will and their interests. An internal conflict arises, which leads to difficult experiences.
It is difficult for them to deal with difficulties and use the opportunities and chances that fate throws up. Getting in touch with a person who can help is too difficult a task for a person who, due to low self-esteem, does not consider himself significant enough to be paid attention to.
Insecure children do not know how to accept support, because they do not think that they are “supposed”. As a result, they may alienate a potential friend, suspecting him of insincerity.

All this together makes a teenager rather difficult to communicate with. Fixation on his own fears of being rejected prevents him from looking at other people, taking into account their interests. As a result, they often get into trouble, and as a result, their self-esteem and confidence fall even lower.

It is wrong to blame a child for seeing himself and his place in the world this way. Let's figure out how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence so that a teenager's view of his own importance has changed.

Are assertive and aggressive children confident?

However, if you have the impression that children who need to boost their self-esteem always look like downtrodden quiet ones, then this is not so. The main symptom of an insecure teenager is anxiety. And it can manifest itself both in isolation, and in aggressive and even deviant behavior.

Very often aggressive children who offend others and also cause a lot of problems to the object of love, just people with low self-esteem. They are sure that they will not be loved, they will be abandoned, because they are very bad. As a result, they constantly test others for strength, run into conflicts and problems.

On the one hand, this allows them to feel at least some control over the situation. Here, I offended a person, and he got angry with me and does not want to be friends. I did it.
On the other hand, anxiety and fear of being left alone from conflicts become even stronger and signs of deviant behavior are repeated.

Of course, such teenagers do not feel good and calm. Even when it seems that they are striving for leadership and achieving it, they feel deeply unhappy. They also need to be helped to feel important and develop adequate self-esteem and confidence in relationships.

Low self-esteem of the child and learning

Children with low self-esteem can be both poor students and excellent students. An excellent student who lacks self-confidence is a serious problem for himself. Adults see how he is killed in his studies, fighting for grades. But the problem is that such a child does not enjoy learning and directs all his energy not to seem stupid or incompetent, to lose the favor of parents and teachers. In the depths of his soul, he is sure that he is deceiving everyone and that the truth will soon be revealed.

As a result, the child does not want to learn new things. He receives knowledge only formally, for the sake of evaluation and praise, but he does not know what he likes in life. Such a child suffers greatly due to evaluations or criticism. He does not understand why some teachers do not give him five when he was killed over the report all night. Comments such as: “You don't understand the subject,” are very traumatic for the child, but he sincerely does not understand why some of the children are given good grades and praise for original ideas. A child with low self-esteem will think it's all about the teacher's personal likes or dislikes.

We will talk about self-esteem as having a stable self-reliance, understanding yourself, your potential, areas of development and growth; about the ability to compare yourself with yourself yesterday in a benevolent manner; about adaptation in society - a sufficient understanding of oneself and others in order to establish relationships and connections. Then it becomes clear how to act when the child says out loud that he can’t, can’t, can’t cope. And our desire to increase the self-esteem of the child will turn into concrete steps.

The main causes of self-esteem problems in children

Reasons for low self-esteem in a child:

A child does not have the opportunity to study himself without comparing with others. Such an opportunity is given by classes "for himself", which he does simply because he likes it. If a child does not have time for hobbies or activities that are useless from the point of view of others, it is difficult for him to understand himself.
The child is constantly compared with someone, “who is better”, but he is not inclined to compete with people. If a child is set up to cooperate, he spends too much nervous energy on surviving in a competitive environment. It is necessary to understand what motivates the child, so that it becomes clear how to create the environment necessary for raising self-esteem.
The child has no opportunity to compete , but he is competitive by nature . It is difficult for him to form self-esteem in a relaxed environment, where he is expected to be able to share, support all friends and acquaintances.
A child is always evaluated by and not interested in how he perceives what is happening in his life. If a child is offered ready-made answers to those questions that concern him, his self-esteem does not become independent and deep.
Child is not taught to pronounce emotions and sensations. In response to a flash, a careless statement, a sharp act, he receives a symmetrical response: a shout, an order to be silent, an indication of what to do. In this case, he cannot understand himself, and this also affects the formation of self-esteem.
Child is not helped to cope with negativism . He tends to pay attention to what he did not succeed, and adults do not teach him to work with such a negative perception of himself and shift the focus of attention to achievements, the benefits that he can derive from a bad experience.
Child is criticized a lot, when he takes the initiative. If a child has some idea, and in response he hears that it is useless, it won’t work, it’s stupid - his self-esteem drops. It is extremely difficult to raise self-esteem for a child who, day after day, absorbs the idea that the initiative is punishable.
The child is often mocked . In some families and social circles, it is customary to be ironic and make fun of each other. However, not all children enjoy this, as it is difficult for them to respond to adults. Somewhere there is not enough sense of humor, somewhere restrictions work - you can’t make fun of adults. As a result, the child constantly feels humiliated, and his self-esteem falls.
Adults dramatize any failure . If something did not work out for a child, and he receives an emotional reaction in response, it seems to him that he is all to blame. If you want to increase a child's self-esteem, show that any mistake can be corrected and the world will not collapse.

In general, there are quite a few reasons that complicate the formation of an adequate self-perception and self-esteem of the child. Fortunately, adolescence is the period when the situation can and should be corrected.

How can I increase my child's self-esteem?

It is possible to help a child with low and inadequate self-esteem. And it is the parents who play the main role here, because the child relies on their opinion and behavior at any age, even adolescence.

Method 1. Don't make too much demands on your child

Very often we expect or even demand that our child fulfill our own desires. We want him to live and act “correctly”, want “correct” things, and so on.

However, this often comes into conflict with the true desires and abilities of the child. If at the same time we begin to evaluate him, and even compare him with others, his self-esteem is at risk.

Here's how parents can improve their child's self-esteem. Try not to evaluate, but listen to the child. You can read about how this is correct, for example, in the book by M. Rosenberg “The Language of Life”. You can learn to avoid impulsiveness in communication and help your child do this with the help of the book by J. Gippenreiter “Communicate with a child. How?". These tips will help you resolve conflicts in everyday communication, improve your child's self-esteem and understand what to do if the child does not want to study .

Method 2: Don't compare your child to others

Sometimes parents want to boost their child's motivation by comparing them to their peers or classmates. Here, they say, Vasya can, but you can’t. We want the child to try to achieve more, and with some children this works. If their emotional driver is competition. But a child who is set to cooperate, on the contrary, falls down on this. Never compare such a child with others!

Children who are not inspired by struggle and rivalry would do well to develop adequate self-esteem through soft skills. To begin with, it is worth taking a test for strong and potential growth areas. Then, with the help of a mentor, you can form connections between individual skills and professional areas, points of application of forces for the disclosure and development of personality. So gradually the child will be involved in meaningful activities and feel confident, and his self-esteem will increase.

Method 3 Praise children

How can you praise and not evaluate? In fact, it’s better to just replace evaluative praise, such as “well done”, with pronunciation of success and your emotions. If the child has achieved something, it should be noted, say how glad you are that he succeeded. Even if this is a trifle, such as homework, or an A in a difficult subject at school, emphasize that you see that he pulled himself together, brought the matter to the end, although he could not do it yesterday.

Mark things that are important to the teenager himself. At this age, children are not interested in academic success in and of themselves. They are interested in a place in society, the opinion of their peers, prospects for the future. Show your child that you are confident in him, that you see his current achievements, you see how he grows and matures - everything indicates that he will successfully cope with adulthood. This is how the child's self-esteem rises - instead of with the growth of confidence in their own future.

Parental confidence in a child is better than banal praise and helps to get rid of anxiety and increase self-esteem.

Method 4: Don't make comments to children in front of strangers

Since children in adolescence care about how they look in the eyes of others, any comments are perceived very painfully and lead to low self-esteem. From the point of view of the child, any criticism, attitude “like a little one” seriously undermines his authority, causes ridicule, makes him feel embarrassed and ashamed, and reduces self-esteem. Cherish your child's reputation during this fragile period, no matter how far-fetched their fears may seem. Just take this feature for granted and do not provoke conflict and the growth of insecurity in the child.

The urge to rebuke is often driven by the feeling that adolescents are ignoring adults. In fact, teenage detachment from you or reality is the launch of internal complex processes. The child is trying to understand who he is, where his boundaries and supports are, although from the outside it looks like “laziness”, “lack of sociability” or indifference and indifference. Be gentle with your child as he builds his self-esteem.

If you want to increase your child's self-esteem, remember yourself at this age more often. Go through parent support trainings, do an analysis of this experience. Express understanding of what is happening with the child and try to remain calm. It is very important for the child to form an adequate assessment of himself.

Real life example

Stories can inspire, give rise to new achievements. I will give an example illustrating this process.

Seven-year-old Anya is terribly shy, so much so that it interferes with her life. In particular, she does not dare to go to friends' birthday parties if she has not yet properly met their parents. She is afraid to greet strangers and refuses to attend circles and sections with her peers. One evening, she watches a family videotape. There is an episode where the six-month-old Anya sits on the lap of one or another adult. All this happens in the park, where the parents had a picnic with friends. Baby Anya smiles at those around her and mumbles cheerfully. She lets adults kiss her on the cheek, she laughs when she is amused. On the screen, Anya sees a confident and sociable baby, and the most interesting thing is that this baby is Anya. When the recording comes to an end, Anya sits thoughtfully on the sofa for some more time. “When I was little, I wasn’t shy at all,” she tells her parents. “That’s right,” Mom replies. — You have so much confidence and openness, Anya!

This seemingly unremarkable incident greatly affected Anya. The video, demonstrating Anya's confidence, courage and openness in infancy, apparently expanded the boundaries of the girl's self-awareness. Anya slowly began to act more boldly, less shy, and a few days after watching the recording, she expressed a desire to accept the invitation and go on her own to a birthday party, where she had been afraid to go before. Her parents waved after her in amazement and joy when she slowly walked away from the house.

How it works?

When a child (and, for that matter, an adult too) discovers something in himself that reveals other sides of the personality, a kind of psychological mood may arise, a willingness to strengthen what you already have, but which, probably, some time was dormant. Anya and her parents lived for several years with the idea of Anya as a very timid girl. The video recording of Anya the baby stimulated in the seven-year-old girl the willingness to take advantage of the openness that lies in it. So alternative stories about ourselves often trigger patterns of action that are different from those that we are used to.

It is important for parents to remember this. We can contribute to the development and strengthening of the structure of the "I" of the child, his self-esteem, consciously suggesting certain stories from his life.

A lot of opportunities are hidden in a child, and a short childhood life already contains a wide variety of experiences, many-sided and ambiguous: a shy one was brave at some moments, a brave man was scared, an accommodating one did not obey, and a fidget was quieter than water below the grass . As adults, we can consciously choose stories that help a child develop what we feel they need to develop.

“Tell me little about me!”

Children love to hear stories about themselves, about when they were younger, and this is no coincidence. "Tell me little about me!" - a common request with which a child addresses his parents, a request that we are obliged to fulfill.
Tell your child how wonderful and charming he was. Describe his current habits or unusual sounds he made in infancy. Tell us about his first words and how he surprised you with funny sayings at only two years of age.
Choose stories that make both you and your child feel good, and be prepared to tell over and over those that you think he enjoys listening to. My youngest daughter loves stories about how, as a baby, she got terribly angry if she couldn’t cope with something, and about the incredible joy that lit up her when she did succeed. I think she likes stories that tell about wanting, achieving and getting what you want.