How to improve attachment with your child

5 Ways to Form Stronger Attachment With Your Children

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Attachment, the pull of two people towards one another, is at the heart of relationships, whether or not we are aware of it. When all is in order, we can simply follow our instincts. But something has changed; societal structures for healthy child-parent attachments are no longer what they once were and we need to be more intentional about attachment than ever before.

In their best-selling book, Hold on to Your Kids, Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Mate write, “For the first time in history young people are turning for instruction, modeling and guidance not to mothers, fathers, teachers, and other responsible adults but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role – their own peers” (2004, Random House of Canada Limited, p. 7). Neufeld and Mate refer to this phenomenon as peer orientation. While the societal context driving peer orientation may not be reversible, the antidote lies in preserving and strengthening our parent-child relationships.

Here are 5 tips for forming stronger attachment with your child:

1. Be available

As parents we need to give our children all of our attention at least some of the time. Including times when our child is not demanding it. In fact, inviting connection when a child is least expecting it is the most effective way to meet attachment needs, because it conveys the powerful message that it is the relationship, not anything the child has done, that connects us to them.

An experienced parent shared that his most valuable asset as a parent is time for his kids. He is mindful of his schedule so that he is regularly available to talk and spend time with his children. We need to make space for daily play and interaction, away from our phone or other devices. We need to grab hold of every opportunity in order to build intimacy that our children’s peers cannot compete with.

2. Delight in your child

From toddlerhood on, interactions with our children have a tendency to revolve around direction, teaching or changing behaviour in some way. Though we do have a responsibility for our children’s safety and well-being, simply being together and enjoying one’s child may fall by the wayside. We need to be mindful of interacting with our children in warm and inviting ways. Hugs and embraces, playful smiles, eye contact and warmth in our voice invite connection. Delight is different from praise. Though of course valuable, praise is generally about something that the child has done, whereas delight stems from loving and enjoying the child exactly as they are.

3. Validate and help to manage your child’s feelings

Children are learning to understand and regulate their emotions. Parents play the role of a safe haven in this: noticing how their child is feeling, helping to name those emotions and providing the message that all emotions are natural and serve a purpose. When children experience emotional invalidation, that is, the message that certain emotions are not acceptable to express, barriers to sharing are created, along with the sense that connection is conditional.

Children and youth also need their parents to guide them in managing the full range of emotions. For example, anger itself is not a problem, but we do need to help our children learn how to acknowledge and manage it in a healthy way. Staying with an upset child and guiding them in managing their emotions will help them learn how to do that on their own and will strengthen attachment.

4. Learn about and get involved in what interests them

Recently, a friend shared her great dislike for watching professional football on TV. But, she said, “It’s one thing that my 14-year-old son is happy to have my company for, over a three-hour period.” So she has learned more about football than she ever thought she would and it has become a point of connection for her and her child. With young children, we can be mindful of following their lead in play and watching and noticing as they learn.

5. Set limits and guidelines

We need to put structures in place to restrict those things that would take our children away from us. This includes protecting family outings and holidays, celebrations, activities and regular sit-down meals. It means being mindful of not over-scheduling our children or ourselves. Placing restrictions on access to social media, cell phones and other devices is critical, or the demand for these soon gets out of hand.

We must also create guidelines around peer contact (who and how often) and work to preserve our children’s connection with us as primary. This may involve re-organizing our family life in such a way that there is increased time for the parent-child relationship.

Attachment is about relationship.

More than a set of skills, attachment is about relationship. By following these guidelines, parents can preserve and strengthen the attachment role they are naturally intended to carry with their children.

For more FREE RESOURCES on this topic and others, visit our free resources page.

Author: Kimberly Enns (MSW, RSW)
Trainer, Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute

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How to Cultivate a Secure Attachment with Your Child

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A new book suggests that parents can raise healthier and happier children by providing a balance of support and freedom.

By Diana Divecha | February 3, 2017

A preschooler waits for his mother’s reassuring smile before joining other children on the jungle gym. A one-year-old calms instantly when her dad lifts her onto his lap, even though he’s talking on the phone. An older child manages his stage fright when he sees his mom in the audience nodding in empathy and support.

As fleeting as these micro-gestures are, each of them telegraphs a secure attachment—a special, trusting emotional bond—between a child and his or her caregiver. This kind of relationship is key to healthy development, say psychotherapists Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell. In their new book, Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child’s Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore, the authors guide parents toward creating this kind of enduring bond with their children.

The Guilford Press, 2017, 280 pages

Parenting for a secure attachment has two themes: 1) providing comfort when needed and 2) offering the freedom to explore when desired. It’s a simple concept, but one that can be complex to manifest in the rush of everyday life. That’s why a book like this can be a crucial tool for parents.

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Research over many decades has shown that a secure relationship is the most important foundation of effective parenting. Children who have secure attachments tend to be happier, kinder, more socially competent, and more trusting of others, and they have better relations with parents, siblings, and friends. They do better in school, stay physically healthier, and create more fulfilling relationships as adults.

Unfortunately, there is confusion in the popular media about what a secure attachment is and how to foster it. This is partly because scientists have done a poor job at communicating the idea beyond the walls of academe. Additionally, the term “attachment parenting” has been co-opted by a philosophical movement that promotes parenting practices (such as natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and co-sleeping) that have not proven to be related to a secure attachment. For these reasons, Raising a Secure Child is a much-needed course correction.

What secure attachment looks like

As the authors describe it, a secure attachment is a “confidence and trust in the goodness of me, you, us” that a person carries throughout their daily life. It is the sense of being loved and supported no matter what happens. And when children feel secure, a world of possibilities opens up.

Hoffman, Cooper, and Powell distill the wisdom of attachment theory into an accessible and practical approach called the Circle of Security. The circle represents the ebb and flow of how babies and young children need their caregivers—at times coming close for care and comfort, and at other times following their inspiration to explore the world around them. The caregivers’ role is to tune in to where on the circle their child is at the moment and act accordingly.

Drawing on 30 years of working with children and families, the authors show how parents may feel discomfort or have difficulties with various parts of the circle. These difficulties arise from parents’ own childhood experiences and attachment styles, and, unfortunately, they can interfere with the formation of a secure attachment.

For example, a parent may rebuff a toddler’s need for comfort, believing that doing so will make the child more independent. But decades of research show that children need to feel secure in their relationships before they can develop authentic autonomy. Another parent may have difficulty with the exploration phase, fearing for their child’s safety. If they convey this anxiety to the child, they can send the message that the world is not safe or, worse, that the child isn’t competent. These children can become overly dependent on their parents.

Through their kind and compassionate writing style, the authors model the tone they ask parents to take with their children. They do not prescribe specific parenting behaviors but rather ask parents to pay attention to their own emotions and what they communicate to their children:

The youngest babies can sense ease versus impatience, delight versus resentment or irritation, comfort versus restlessness, genuine versus pretending, or other positive versus negative responses in a parent when these reactions aren’t evident to a casual observer. Little babies may pick up on the smallest sigh, the subtlest shift in tone of voice, a certain glance, or some type of body language and know the parent is genuinely comfortable or definitely not pleased.

No one can be attuned to another person at all times, though. In fact, the authors assert that the myth of “complete availability” actually undermines a child’s development. Ruptures, small and large, happen all the time in the fabric of human relationships, and so it becomes important that repairs, small and large, become second nature to parents. Caregivers may be relieved to know that children are not keeping a parenting score, but rather assessing whether the relationship is safe and secure overall. Good enough is truly good enough.

Parenting for a secure attachment helps parents to let go of any pressures they feel to constantly prepare their child for the future, which can inadvertently fill children with anxiety. Instead, it requires “being with” or cultivating sensitivity to what children are feeling at the moment and helping them label, understand, and manage their feelings…or simply sitting still and waiting with kindness and understanding they have their feelings. As psychiatrist Dan Siegel says, “feeling felt” is one of the most important needs children have.

How to read this book

More on Attachment

Explore how to raise a securely attached child.

Learn how attachment style affects your romantic relationships.

Find out how to stop attachment insecurity from ruining your love life.

Discover why it’s important to know your partner’s attachment style.

Raising a Secure Child is neither a quick read nor a how-to, but instead invites thoughtful reflection from the reader. Some important points, however, are left undeveloped. For example, a short insert briefly acknowledges that babies’ temperaments matter, when developmental science has found baby temperament to be quite important.

Also, though the book is based on science, Raising a Secure Child lacks references. This leaves readers wondering which claims are based on research, clinical experience, or just sound conventional wisdom. And there are some near missteps: The reader has to look closely to see that the authors are claiming that parents and other adults, not just mothers in particular, can form secure attachments.

Finally, wisps of outdated theories can be found in the book. For example, the authors present the psychoanalytic “object relations” idea that babies begin as “one” with the mother and have to “split” to form a sense of self. This theory is not supported in modern developmental cognitive science.

These minor flaws notwithstanding, Raising a Secure Child is one of the most important contributions to the parenting literature in years. It is a much-needed correction to the confusion of “attachment parenting,” and fills a gap by focusing on the elusive, ephemeral flow of emotions between children and the adults who care for them. The guidance is offered with an understated grace and poetry, as the authors soothe the parents’ own attachment history to ease their relationship with their children.

I imagine that any parent’s nervous system will calm when reading that “every heart is still seeking the love it was born to know.”

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A Thousand and One Ways to Strengthen Attachment: alpha_parenting — LiveJournal

I suggest collaboratively compiling a long list of various ways to strengthen attachment so that newcomers can be easily oriented based on their child's age and age-appropriate level of attachment.

This is NOT the ultimate program that every caring alpha has to do, not a complete and by no means exhaustive list (please add your options, I'll paste), this is a list of alternatives - choose what you like, depending on the tastes and preferences of your family, what you don't like - skip, look for your own, supplement and expand. SO!

A thousand and one ways to strengthen attachment:

Age from 0 to 1 year
The first level of attachment is attachment through the senses, a person has five of them: sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch.

- play staring
- smile at each other
- play cookie or peek-a-boo
- breastfeed
- feed something else, holding or on your knees
- allow to eat from your plate, feed your mother. Or dad.
- roll around the neck (after the child has learned to sit)
- carry on hands and / or in a sling
- hug
- massage
- repeat the babbling after the baby
- tickle the beard (for dads)
- kiss the cheeks and navel
- "bite" the heels and hands
- joint sleep
- joint siesta during the day (the parent can not sleep, just lie around, hugging the baby) bath
- sing songs
- dance together
- use different intonations
- make faces
- study ourselves and each other together in the mirror
- read poetry with expression
- look at pictures, books, the street together
- draw yourself so that the baby looks
- stroke your face and stroke your face with the child's hands
- allow to eat from the parent's plate, share food and drink
- eat up after the child from his plate (I remind you, if you don't like it - it means not your way, there are others =) and some children are very touching that three unbearable last spoons of porridge will be finished by mom)

Age 1 to 3 years
In the second year of life, the child develops the ability to attach through similarity. The child imitates those he loves, tries to be like them: in behavior, in intonation, in preferences.

Anything suitable for children from 0 to 1 year old, plus:
- make a grocery list together with pictures
- take it to the grocery store
- roll it in a cart
- entrust an older child to roll a cart
- even older to pass the products so that the baby puts them in a trolley and takes them out of the trolley at the checkout
- let them carry a small package from the store, "like mom / dad"
- depending on the occupation of the parents, play "mom works", " dad works"
- let the child try on or wear his clothes
- wear the same clothes in different sizes
- wear similar accessories - beads, hats, scarves
- let the child help you get food and put it in the refrigerator
- with washing dishes - rinsing forks or unbreakable dishes under running water
- with cooking simple dishes - pour rice into a saucepan, measure water in glasses
- baking delicious treats: let him help mix ingredients, roll out, sculpt, cut out cookies, for example
- with sorting laundry and loading it in and out of the washing machine
- let the washing machine start button be pressed
- milk a goat together (what if!) =)
- your own little backpack
- wash the car with dad
- dig in the garden with mom
- start a small garden (at least on the windowsill)
- grow various edible herbs from seeds
- add them to salads and eat them
- draw with mom with finger paints
- draw with paints on each other's face - there are special sets for this, you don’t need gouache :-)
- or paint each other into clowns with lipstick
- praise
- seeing off a working parent (grandmother, guests) to the window to wave
- come up with "only our secret with you, we won't tell anyone"
- come up with a symbol just for you
- build a lair from sofa cushions, blankets, chairs and other materials at hand
- role-playing ("I am a sheep, and you are a mother-sheep")
- repair or assemble something with dad someday, at this moment, let them play with daddy's tools, give the child something to twist and turn
- let the child sit in the driver's seat at the wheel, where mom or dad usually sits, allow him to press the buttons
- make a gift or a postcard with the child for second parent, grandparents, family friends
- running around between parents (especially good if there is no affection with one of the parents): dad is squatting at the beginning of the room, and mom is squatting at the end of the room, and the child is running into dad's outstretched arms. Papa catches him (with joy, with tender words). And then the mother is waiting for him with outstretched arms and the child rushes to her.
- footprints in the sand (or in the snow):
the father goes first, then the mother, then the child follows the parent's footsteps.
or the first dad leaves footprints in the sand, and the mother holds the child by the handle and the child takes big steps in his father's footsteps.
"Oh!!! how big our dad is"
"Oh!!! you're going like a dad"
"OOO!!!"
- especially for girls: wash with mom with one shampoo, smear with creams for cheeks, for arms and legs, make wreaths of flowers for everyone - dad, mom, daughter. draw funny pictures for dad at work so that he doesn't get bored, then come to him and check if he remembers to watch
- do something "terrible" together
- go to the trailer park and take pictures with everyone next to the oooohuge wheel
- keep long eye contact, "smile with eyes"
- game "mirror" - the parent starts to play in the reflection of his child - copy what the child does, try to get involved and copy not only actions, but also emotions - see the world through the eyes of the child
- when you are angry - get angry as a joke, grab, bite and tickle.
- hiding with one parent from the other under a blanket
- wearing the same thing for two - for example, wrap yourself in one scarf, put on one sweater for two

Age 3 to 5
By the third year, the ability to bond through belonging and loyalty develops. It is the desire to be on the same side, the desire to possess. "My mum". Jealousy appears.

Anything suitable for children from 0 to 3 years old, plus
- play "mom and son against the sofa cushion"
- or "dad and son against the dust on the windowsill"
- floortime or play on the floor, when mom or dad is all owned by the child
- if you have more than one child - hold individual flortimes so that everyone gets a little bit of one-on-one time with each parent to football, to the garage, to fishing or what other entertainment is popular in your family
- share your hobby with your child
- take the child with you to work (if possible)
- let him feed you from a spoon
- allow to be angry, help release negative
- swim together in the pool
- look for treasure
- collect autumn leaves/acorns/chestnuts
- ride bicycles and roller skates
- run races
- dress up in fancy dress
- arrange a family play - with puppets or become actors yourself
- (less labor-intensive) role-play one scene from a fairy tale being read - for example, how the gingerbread man left the grandmother, and the grandmother rushes after him . .. or how the fox ate the bun! =)
- playing "mom-baby" situations in role-playing games (I can take a wonderful example from the comments: we recently opened the "Three Little Pigs" spread with the picture: "Mom-pig, take the piglets!" - "Why?" - " So that they don't hit the wolf." [I pretend to "take away" the pigs from the page. my child continues] "And I, the mother wolf, will take the wolf cub. Wolf cub, don't play with them, otherwise you will fall into the cauldron")
- sculpt snowmen and build snow fortresses
- wallow on the couch
- boot
- "smack" a child, not tickle, but movements like kneading dough (there are children who need such a fairly strong action)
- knock on something sonorous, rhythmic
- hide in houses under a blanket
- sing karaoke together into a microphone
- draw, sculpt, do crafts together
- decorate the house together for the holiday
- blow and burst soap bubbles
- Dance together to the music. Dancing to the music played by the child (drum, tambourine, rattles, etc.) Dancing together simple children's dances to the singing of mom (Loaf, Dance of little ducklings, Bear with a doll), you can make a round dance out of 2 people :)
- Allow the child to feed, water the mother. Wash it, smear it with cream, comb it, brush your teeth, etc.
- Tactile games like "Rails-rails", finger.
- Ride the child on the back - "horse".
- Games on the knees "In the hole - bang!".
- Swing on daddy's leg!
- Walk on the feet of parents (I hope it's understandable)
- Do exercises, gymnastics together. Jump on the gym ball together.
- Play houses, bridges, manholes, holes, minks, etc., using the body of the parents as these.
- Swing on a swing and ride down a hill with a child in her arms.
- Bury each other in the sand, in the snow. And dig out :)
- Do as I do games, you can do it in front of a mirror, and our favorite option is when the child sets the movements, and the mother repeats.
- On a walk, hold hands of both parents and have them "jump" the child over puddles. Or they just jumped so high.
- Swim together, dive, look at each other underwater, swim on mother's or father's back.
- "kisses in the pocket". When parting, put your kisses in your child's pocket and explain that when he misses his mother, you need to pull out a kiss and put it on his cheek.
our dad found out about all this, he also began to put his kisses in his pocket for the child. into a separate one :)

By the fourth year of life, a child develops a desire for self-importance, significance in the life of a loved one. Children become softer, more accommodating, looking for confirmation of their importance to us.

- play hide and seek
- play parting and meeting
- prepare the table for dinner:
- arrange plates
- get cutlery
- pour juice into glasses for everyone
- allocate your scoop and brush to the child
- entrust watering the flowers
- laugh with the child, especially at his jokes
- dress the child if he asks
- feed the child if he asks and wants (even if he himself has been able to for a long time)
- Approve your child's friends
- If you can't approve hobbies and friends - Talk VERY detailed with your child about why you can't approve a particular friend or a particular monster!

In the fifth year, the child begins to love. He gives you his heart. If earlier he said “I love mom” more imitating others, now he “LOVES mom”. Sings love songs and draws hearts. This is attachment through emotions, a time when the child is physically ready to part with those who are dear to him, without significant damage to his psyche.

- draw postcards for a grandmother who lives in another city
- send postcards by mail and wait for answers
- look at a family photo album
- look for mom and dad in photos where there are a lot of people
- look at photos together, how the child was small
- talk about how he was small or he was not there at all and they were waiting for him
- call dad at work (or let dad call once a day at a certain hour)
- for those who live abroad - speak Russian with the child . even if people around don't understand (secret language, play spies)
- cuddling with the whole family

Lots of great ideas here: Checklist for Yulia Lugovskaya's parents Don't forget to do it with a preschooler.

Age 5 to 7
The last level of affection is when you are known. The child begins to share his secrets so that we understand him better, in order to be closer to us. Psychological attachment. This is the deepest level of attachment and the most vulnerable. Not every adult has the experience of such attachment.

Everything suitable for children from 0 to 5 years old, as well as
- trust the child with my feelings - I got angry today when.. I was sad because ... I was so happy that time ...
- ask for forgiveness in a child in case of a breakdown
- name the feelings of the child
- use active listening
- discuss the conflicts that arose after the passions subsided

And now the most interesting =) Co-sleeping at 7 years old or in adolescence - well, if you can persuade your big boy or girl to it, but most likely it will no longer help you maintain affection. You can’t put much in a sling either =)

Ages 7 to 11
Anything your child will agree to from the above for younger ages, plus:
- Share HIS hobbies with your child - even if they're nasty little toys with big eyes and overpriced prices or a computer game (if you play, I don’t know how, I’m of little use)
- entrust the child with cooking one dish for dinner (only tips and hints, hands off, let him - of course, if he wants to)
- read aloud to him (you can start earlier, but continue at this age)
- do not forget to hug: at least 8 hugs per day
- continue massage (rails-rails, etc. )
- watch his baby video in the family circle
- Conduct personal correspondence between baby dolls

Age from 11 to 17 years old
I don't know anything about children older than 11, alas. Have your say in the comments.

- do not forget to hug: at least 8 hugs a day
- continue active listening
- be on the side of the child in times of external threat
- have time together (cafes, walks)
- seek help from him in what he feels confident in (computers and brute physical force, etc.)
- consult with him before making decisions not only about him, but also about family matters
- tactile contact: steal in hair , kisses and hugs at a meeting and farewell
- write funny notes (and serious ones)
- for adults, children walking separately - meet and see off every time (a kind word and a familiar face before leaving is very important)
- listen to a teenager when he starts talk, not when parents have time
- ask what you like or dislike, in all areas - from politics to the color of toilet paper
- ask to justify your position
- ask questions
- learn to form your opinion, defend it, look for arguments the situation in the country and the world
a few more ideas for "big" kids:
http://alpha-parenting. livejournal.com/410626.html

And I would also like someone to similarly make 1001 ways to overcome defensive alienation, 1001 ways to bridge breakups, and so on, what else is there in the brochure, vulnerability, aggression, etc.

how to strengthen the bond with your child

: Reading time:

There are many ways to be around. A mother who feeds and caresses twenty times seven will make the baby happy, but will cause the teenager to have a seizure. We tell you why and how to form attachment correctly.

In the middle of the 20th century, the English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby formalized the theory that would later lead to the "revolution of love". He suggested that the quality of emotional closeness between an adult and an infant determines the mental health and well-being of the child in the future.

In a monograph for the World Health Organization, Bowlby hypothesized that "the infant and young child should experience a warm, close and continuous relationship with the mother in which both find satisfaction and pleasure", and the lack of which can have serious and irreversible consequences for mental health .

Children whose attachment to a significant adult was broken during childhood grow up less stress-resistant and mentally stable.

Until now, no one has attached high importance to the bond between parent and child. It never occurred to scientists that a secure bond with a mother is more important to a child than food and sleep. In the twentieth century, on the contrary, a mechanistic attitude to education came into fashion: the child was given to a special institution, where he was provided with protection, safety, warmth, sleep and food, and the parents were engaged in more important matters.

But despite the care and attention, all children in such institutions were in stress, crying, eating and sleeping poorly, and subsequently showed all the symptoms of clinical depression. This phenomenon was even given the name "hospitalism syndrome", since it was most pronounced in children who were in the hospital without a close adult nearby.

Further years of research have shown that children whose attachment to a significant adult was broken during childhood grow up less stress-resistant and mentally stable. Such people are more anxious, prone to mental disorders, have difficulties in interpersonal communication. After decades of theoretical and empirical research, modern psychology has formulated an axiom: a secure attachment to a significant adult in childhood is a necessary factor for the growth of a full-fledged, healthy, stable personality.

To provide a child with secure attachment, one must understand what he needs at different ages:

in infancy
childhood
adolescence
mature age

Infancy. At the very first stage, when the baby perceives the whole world with the body, and not just with the senses, the most important thing that a parent can give is unconditional presence.

I advise all mothers to become sling mothers. The baby has no concepts of space and time, he cannot know that his mother is nearby, in the next room, that she will come in 5 minutes. But he knows for sure with his still animal instinct that if there is no mother, then it is dangerous for his life. Therefore, he is worried, afraid, crying, calling. These are not whims, these are manifestations of vital fear for one's life!

The older generation of women loves horror stories like "don't teach me to handle it, it will sit on my neck." In their minds, if you are affectionate, gentle, warm with a child, comfort him, touch him, kiss him, hug him, come to the rescue (read: show love), this will make the child a weakling, a nurse, spoiled, capricious and dependent.

The trick is that in reality the opposite is true: the above-described manifestations of love let the child understand that he is good, that he is loved, that the world is safe, and that his mother will always come to the rescue. It is from such children that self-confident, emotionally stable, mentally mature people with a strong nervous system grow up.

Metaphor of infancy: "I'm completely dependent on you, don't leave me."

Childhood. Here the child grows, and begins to "move away from the skirt", try his hand, show character. It is obvious and understandable that most of his actions require control and assistance from an adult. But this does not mean that he should be forbidden to try. And what is even more impossible is not to help.

Here the boy says “I myself” and tries to tie his shoelace. He tries for 15 minutes, the mother wants to help, the child rejects the help. "Well, do it yourself!" Mom says offendedly and leaves.

The child did not succeed, but he did not receive help either. What unconscious conclusion can he draw? That he himself is not doing very well, but he will not have to wait for help (of course, this conclusion is formed not in one episode with a shoelace).

Childhood metaphor: “I no longer completely depend on you, but will you come if I call, pick you up if I fall?”

Adolescence. The most active separation from parents. Physical - you can’t find him at home - and emotional - he himself knows everything better, and you (parents) “don’t understand anything”. A difficult period for both a teenager and a parent.

It will pass much easier, its reliable attachment was created at earlier stages. To maintain this bond, parents need to accept, reflect, and trust the teenager. At the previous stages of development, the child made sure that the parents are available, that they accept and support him.

Now he is not just “moving away from the skirt”, he becomes different, sometimes not at all the way his parents used to see him. It is vital for him that his parents confirm his changes, that they accept him as new.

Adolescence metaphor: "Will you be there if I'm different?"

Maturity. In adulthood, we reap the rewards of the attachment that was formed in our relationship with our parents. If all stages of development have gone smoothly, and attachment has not been broken, the person now knows: he is good and loved, he is valuable and dear, there are people who will always help, he can change, he is not alone, not forgotten and not abandoned, even if his parents no longer alive.