How to help child deal with bullying

What Is Bullying | StopBullying.gov

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

• An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

• Types of Bullying
• Where and When Bullying Happens
• Frequency of Bullying

Types of Bullying

There are three types of bullying:

• Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
  • Teasing
  • Name-calling
  • Inappropriate sexual comments
  • Taunting
  • Threatening to cause harm
• Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
  • Leaving someone out on purpose
  • Telling other children not to be friends with someone
  • Spreading rumors about someone
  • Embarrassing someone in public
• Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes:
  • Hitting/kicking/pinching
  • Spitting
  • Tripping/pushing
  • Taking or breaking someone’s things
  • Making mean or rude hand gestures

Where and When Bullying Happens

Bullying can occur during or after school hours. While most reported bullying happens in the school building, a significant percentage also happens in places like on the playground or the bus. It can also happen travelling to or from school, in the youth’s neighborhood, or on the Internet.

Frequency of Bullying

There are two sources of federally collected data on youth bullying:

• The 2019 School Crime Supplement to the National Crime Victimization Survey (National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice) indicates that, nationwide, about 22% of students ages 12–18 experienced bullying.
• The 2019 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) indicates that, nationwide, 19.5% of students in grades 9–12 report being bullied on school property in the 12 months preceding the survey.

See also "Frequency of Cyberbullying."

How to Prevent Bullying | StopBullying.gov

Parents, school staff, and other caring adults have a role to play in preventing bullying. They can: 

• Help kids understand bullying. Talk about what bullying is and how to stand up to it safely. Tell kids bullying is unacceptable. Make sure kids know how to get help.
• Keep the lines of communication open. Check in with kids often. Listen to them. Know their friends, ask about school, and understand their concerns.
• Encourage kids to do what they love. Special activities, interests, and hobbies can boost confidence, help kids make friends, and protect them from bullying behavior.
• Model how to treat others with kindness and respect.

Help Kids Understand Bullying

Kids who know what bullying is can better identify it. They can talk about bullying if it happens to them or others. Kids need to know ways to safely stand up to bullying and how to get help.

• Encourage kids to speak to a trusted adult if they are bullied or see others being bullied. The adult can give comfort, support, and advice, even if they can’t solve the problem directly. Encourage the child to report bullying if it happens.
• Talk about how to stand up to kids who bully. Give tips, like using humor and saying “stop” directly and confidently. Talk about what to do if those actions don’t work, like walking away
• Talk about strategies for staying safe, such as staying near adults or groups of other kids.
• Urge them to help kids who are bullied by showing kindness or getting help.
• Watch the short webisodes and discuss them - PDF with kids.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Research tells us that children really do look to parents and caregivers for advice and help on tough decisions. Sometimes spending 15 minutes a day talking can reassure kids that they can talk to their parents if they have a problem. Start conversations about daily life and feelings with questions like these:

• What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
• What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
• What is it like to ride the school bus?
• What are you good at? What would do you like best about yourself?

Talking about bullying directly is an important step in understanding how the issue might be affecting kids. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but it is important to encourage kids to answer them honestly. Assure kids that they are not alone in addressing any problems that arise. Start conversations about bullying with questions like these:

• What does “bullying” mean to you?
• Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?
• Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?
• Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying? What ways have you tried to change it?
• What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?
• Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
• What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?
• Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
• Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?

Get more ideas for talking with children - PDF about life and about bullying. If concerns come up, be sure to respond.

There are simple ways that parents and caregivers can keep up-to-date with kids’ lives. 

• Read class newsletters and school flyers. Talk about them at home.
• Check the school website
• Go to school events
• Greet the bus driver
• Meet teachers and counselors at “Back to School” night or reach out by email
• Share phone numbers with other kids’ parents

Teachers and school staff also have a role to play. 

Encourage Kids to Do What They Love

Help kids take part in activities, interests, and hobbies they like. Kids can volunteer, play sports, sing in a chorus, or join a youth group or school club. These activities give kids a chance to have fun and meet others with the same interests. They can build confidence and friendships that help protect kids from bullying.

Model How to Treat Others with Kindness and Respect

Kids learn from adults’ actions. By treating others with kindness and respect, adults show the kids in their lives that there is no place for bullying. Even if it seems like they are not paying attention, kids are watching how adults manage stress and conflict, as well as how they treat their friends, colleagues, and families.

How to help a child who has experienced bullying?

Bullying is the aggression of some children against others, harassment, persecution and pressure on the victim within a closed social group. Alas, this is the most common problem in children's groups. Most common in primary and secondary schools.

It is important to distinguish bullying from ordinary conflict

Conflict is a one-time, short-lived phenomenon that occurs between equal participants. While bullying is characterized by:

• intentionality - the aggressor understands what he is doing;
• regularity - bullying is long-term, repeated from time to time;
• mandatory inequality of forces of the participants - the victim is always much weaker than the aggressor;
• stable roles - the victim is clearly chosen, and she invariably remains the victim.

As soon as a victim is “appointed” in a group, one can speak of group violence. It is this group violence that traumatizes all involved.

Bullying participants

Everyone suffers in a bullying situation.

• Buller - from personal problems that caused aggression, from the destructive experience of impunity and the illusion of one's strength, which in the future leads to asocial personality traits.
• Victim - from discrimination and violence, the experience of humiliation, rejection and insecurity.
• Observers - from the "trauma of the observer", the experience of powerlessness before the power of the mob and shame for their weakness.

Observers

These are the followers of the aggressor, and silent witnesses, and potential defenders of the victim. This is the largest group in which everyone receives their own psychological trauma. nine0003

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We are talking about children. They do not yet have the life experience to deal with such a situation. Not everyone can bear the sight of continued violence for a long time. Often children can neither accept the situation nor resolve it, they suffer from their own helplessness and betrayal of their values. And unlike the victim, they cannot scream with powerlessness or ask for help.

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In addition, each observer experiences a strong subconscious fear of being in the place of the victim. It is a very bad experience to see how every day there is violence against a member of your team and no one, including adults, helps him. The child remembers this situation as possible and insoluble, and will carry this fear with him all his life. nine0003

Buller and the victim

Buller is the one who leads the bullying. More often they are children who are subjected to domestic violence or who have experienced traumatic moments in the past. Often the instigators have narcissistic traits, it is important for them to feel their superiority.

The victims are often children who are sensitive, emotional, with little social support, stand out, with special appearance or development, different nationality. But just as often, beautiful, smart and talented children talk about cases of bullying. Not "white crows" at all. Or quite ordinary - not at all stand out. It turns out that absolutely any child can become a victim. nine0003

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An important fact that we will repeat again and again: bullying does not happen because the victim is somehow “not like that”. Bullying is not an individual problem, it is a collective problem.

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If for some reason the victim falls out of the chain, for example, moves to another country, it is most likely that another child will take her place within a few weeks.

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If bullying is possible in a group, all children are restless and under stress. Stress is a very unhealthy state for a child. It takes too much energy. It's bad for development, it's a smaller resource for learning, etc. nine0003

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Now we will tell you what to do if you are faced with the problem of bullying, how to help your child and whether it is possible to prevent the team from encountering this phenomenon at all. But before answering all these questions, it is important to understand why there is a request for bullying in the team at all.

Why does bullying occur?

Preteens have a need to be in a pack, to oppose themselves to others, to feel belonging. For the vast majority, a sense of group cohesion is vital. Therefore, it is extremely important that there are positive grounds for this cohesion in the team. If an adult responsible for the team creates these grounds - the children are busy with something, they have a common goal, common interests - the children's need for belonging is satisfied, a positive life experience is created and there is no need for bullying. nine0003

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If an adult does not “cultivate” the group, does not deal with it and does not explain the rules of existence in the team, if the children came, unlearned and dispersed, the need for group cohesion is not satisfied. There is a need, but there is no cohesion.

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And sooner or later a discovery happens: you can rally against someone, oppose yourself to him.

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If the group has appointed a "scapegoat" and has developed on violence, it will remain so. The children's team cannot stop on its own - the children simply do not have enough life experience to live in such a situation. If they are left to themselves, things can go far. nine0003

Adult mistakes

Sometimes it is important to understand what not to do before learning what to do. We have already explained the cause of bullying. And the solution to the problem will be based on this. But first, we will tell you what actions not only will not correct the situation, but can even harm.

“It will pass by itself”

It can take a long time to wait for it to pass by itself. Because in children before adolescence, it will not go away on its own. Older - there is a small chance in the presence of favorable conditions. nine0003

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Until the age of 12, children have poorly formed concepts of morality - the brain has not yet matured for this. Therefore, it is very important that adults set the right guidelines - it is at this age that children are ready to hear and accept them. But in the teenage group, it is much more difficult to do this.

Justify bullying and blame the victim

There can be a lot of explanations why bullying occurred in a particular team. The need for age, the pressure of a closed system, the tendency of the individual to victimization (the tendency to become a victim) or aggressiveness. All this is very important and requires attention. But not when the situation of bullying is already in place. nine0003

Even if the instigator is thrice alpha and the victim is thrice black sheep, this is not a reason for persecution. Every child has the same rights to be protected. There are no excuses for bullying. If gang violence is already happening, it is urgent to solve the problem, and not look for right and wrong.

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Most adults are tempted to blame the victim for what is happening. Justify the situation with the words “these are children, what do you want” or “look, he is somehow “not like that”, so others offend him.” The easiest way that a parent or teacher can choose is to throw the problem onto the child. nine0003

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Become "like that", and they will immediately stop humiliating you - a fundamentally wrong statement.

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Saying “you yourself are to blame, just change”, an adult shifts an unbearable responsibility onto the child - not only for the occurrence of bullying, but also for its termination. The consequences of such words for the individual can be the most devastating.

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A child who informs an adult about bullying is not a snitch at all. As practice shows, the victims endure to the last and reveal the problem only when it becomes completely unbearable. And in no case should you finish off a child who experiences regular group violence with the words - you are wrong (not beautiful enough, too smart, conflict, gifted, non-standard, and whatever else). Get right and everything will work out. nine0003

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No, it won't get better. Because the problem is not the identity of the victim. And in a team.

Put pressure on the pity of the instigators or threaten them

Trying to explain to the aggressors that the victim is bad, calling for sympathy or threatening reprisals gives exactly the opposite effect. This will not only not help, but will also strengthen the buller in a strong position, give a sense of control over the fate of the victim. The last attempt at an agreement with the aggressors will only humiliate and reinforce its helplessness. This is especially true when it comes to boys. nine0003

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What should a parent do if a child is bullied

1. Don't panic

Calm down and get ready to talk with your child. Be careful not to show irritation or fear. You must broadcast strength, and nervousness and excitement are a sign of weakness. Do not teach the child, do not need omniscience. Listen and ask more than you talk. Gather detailed information about bullying participants and events.

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Be sure to assure that together you will solve this problem - the child is in dire need of confidence and a sense of security. nine0003

2. Talk to the child in a way that helps him

Support the child and say that you are on his side. Be sure to tell him what bullying is, and explain that he is not guilty of anything, that anyone can become a victim.

Together plan what to do, because the child knows the situation at school much better. Discuss where attacks often occur and how to avoid these places. If there is no way to avoid, think about how you can make sure that he is there with someone you know. Discuss next steps. Warn that you will go to school for trial. nine0003

3. Prepare for your visit to school

Give advance notice of your visit. Stay out of the class's line of sight - bullying participants should not know that you are interfering.

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Do not take your child with you to the interview, even if the teacher or principal asks. He should not hear the possible flow of "it is his own fault" and "children, what to take from them."

4. Contact the person responsible for the team

Since bullying is a team problem, it is important to solve it with an adult who is responsible for this team. With a teacher, a class teacher. nine0003

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A separate important question - what and how to say? It is important that things are called by their proper names.

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No “He doesn’t get along with his classmates” or “Just think, children always tease each other” cannot sound. If a child is regularly bullied, brought to tears, spoiled things, teased, called names, beaten - this is bullying. And the sooner the phenomenon is named, the sooner you get closer to the solution.

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Alas, teachers do not always know what to do in a bullying situation. The most common reaction is to deny the problem, justify the aggressors, phrases like “These are the children, what do you want” and attempts to blame the victim for being the one to blame. nine0003

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Imagine you come to work. Nobody greets you. You walk down the corridor - behind chuckles. Come to the meeting - everyone defiantly sits down. You start working - you find that the chair is smeared with something nasty, the documents are damaged. Find your personal belongings in the corner of the toilet with dirty footprints. This happens day after day. One day you break down and scream, after which your superiors immediately call you and chastise you for unacceptable behavior. “You need to be able to get along with colleagues!”, you end up hearing. nine0170