How to fix a parent child relationship

Bliss Counselling | How to Do Parent-Child Relationship Repair

We all have parenting moments we regret. The other day I was hard on my son and felt very badly about my behaviour. Even though we may have the tools to do so, calming down when our kids are melting down, sometimes for the most ridiculous reasons, can feel impossible to do.

It is important to do relationship repair after rough parenting moments. This helps our relationship with our children deepen, stops trust-rifts from growing, and also shows them how to have empathy—a concept that can’t really be taught. Taking time to address what we regret teaches our children how to admit when we are wrong, seeing the impact of our mistakes on another person.

Here are the steps to relationship repair with your child (and your partner, too):

Calm all the way down.

Eat, have a shower, go for a walk, or close your eyes for a few minutes—whatever calms you. Take time for the sad, mad, or scared feelings to work their way through. How this happens will depend on your personality, as some people prefer to talk, sing, or draw their feelings out, whereas others prefer to move around.

Invite your child to speak with you well after everyone has had time to regroup.

Start by opening the communication door with a gentle tone and without direct eye contact (at first).

Calmly invite your child to hear you out. If there is a closed door between you and your older child, you can try this, “Hey, I made a mistake and would like to talk to you about that. May I come in?” When you go in, sit down beside her, if possible. If she is in a chair that won’t fit both of you, just sit nearby.

If your child is little and playing on her own, go sit beside her, initially avoiding eye contact. Try something like, “Hey, I made a mistake. I’d like to fix that.”

Ask how your child feels about your behaviour—without defending yourself.

For a little one, try something like, “Did you feel scared when I shouted?” (Please brace yourself for the answer—my kids have said, “YES! You scared me TOO MUCH, Mommy. ”)

With older children, perhaps something like, “I feel badly about how I behaved. Are you feeling mad at me? It’s okay if you do. I’d like to hear what you are feeling and thinking.”

Leave lots of space for your child to respond. The more she is able to talk about what is going on in her mind and body, the more she will process the event, leaving less to hold as a grudge later.

Talk about what you regret. Name it.

In an age appropriate way, validate your child’s experience with you by explaining what you feel badly about. “I am very sad (use a feeling word) that I yelled so loudly at you.” (Don’t defend yourself… “But you were freaking out about cutting the sandwich the wrong way… which is RIDICULOUS”). Perhaps what your child did was unreasonable and irrational, but that is what kids do. We can respond to that ridiculousness without hurting them.

Problem solve—how are you going to act in the future?

It’s time to dust off your calm-down plan, which didn’t work well enough for you in that parenting moment you regret. It is so very hard to stop ourselves from going into defend/attack/scream mode when someone flips out on us. The first step of shutting down that physical reaction can feel unmanageable, can’t it? Try some different plans until you find one that becomes automatic for you.

When I was having a tough time remembering my plan, I went back to the basics and told myself to just “Freeze.” Even that is hard to do! Each time you feel your blood boiling, tell yourself something like, “freeze,” “pause,” or “stop.” That one word might be enough to regroup and remember the next step in your plan (mine is to count back from 11). After you are calm enough to think rationally, use your good reason to talk yourself and your child down.

This is the most important question when your child is losing it and you feel like doing the same: What does my child need right now?

Respond to that need, then take time later to ask yourself the same question. What do you need to feel more rested, less exhausted, less at the end of your rope? What can you do about that? Is there something compromising you that makes being friendly or logical hard?

Talk to your child about his/her calm-down plan.

If the bad parenting moment happened because your child was having a complete meltdown, talk with your child about his/her calm-down plan. Please know that it is just as hard for your child to reel in the automatic, intense instinct to shout, throw, or yell as it is for you. It will take time to find a plan that actually stops people from “letting their mad turn into mean.”

Let the plan evolve as each freak-out happens. What is working? What isn’t? Adjust as needed.

Apologize.

From the bottom of your heart, look your child in the eye, and say you are sorry. Hug, cry—show your sadness. Explain to your child what you are going to do to stop yourself from behaving that way again. Discuss your action plan moving forward.

Walk your talk.

Remember what you told your child. Write the steps out and put them somewhere you can see them. The next moment of tension is an important one—your response will affect how much your child trusts you. If you are able to do what you intended, your child will believe you, which can sustain your relationship through future snags.

If you have another regretful parenting moment, and another, and another, your child is likely to stop believing and trusting you. This belief usually translates to other aspects of life—your child may start to give up on you—that you will be able to be there for him/her.

Understand that some moments are too big to recover from.

If a very scary, traumatic interaction happens between a parent and child like violence, alcoholism, or drug use, threat of walking out, or long separations, it may not be possible to recover from that without long-term support from a skilled mental-health professional.

If you have experienced difficult times in your life, which are affecting how you interact with your children, please consider getting help. Perhaps that help can come in the form of self-help books, chats with friends, journaling, or the treatment and care of a counsellor, doctor, or other trusted practitioner.

The post was originally published at YMC.ca.

ANDREA LOEWEN NAIR, M.A., CCC

Psychotherapist, Parenting Educator — www.andrealoewen.ca

Head of School — Infinity School www.infinityschool.ca

8 Ways to Strengthen a Parent-Child Relationship

July 28, 2020

What parents can do now to build a strong and healthy bond with their child.

By Paige Dorn, LCSW
Therapist/Clinical Lead
Day Treatment

The most important relationship to a child is the one they develop with their parent or caregiver. Children learn about the world around them through a positive parent-child relationship. As they are growing and changing, children look to their parents to determine whether or not they are safe, secure, and loved. It is also the foundation from which they will build their future relationships.

You can build a positive parent-child relationship by being in the moment with your child, spending quality time together, and creating an environment where they feel comfortable to explore. There is no secret handbook or guaranteed approach to get this relationship right, and you’ll likely find hardships along the way. However, if you keep working on improving your relationship, your child will surely blossom.

Continue reading for eight positive-parenting techniques that can help you strengthen the relationship between you and your child:

Show Your Love
Human touch and loving affection is needed at every stage of our lives for healthy emotional and neurobiological development. It is important that your child receive gentle, loving touch (i.e., hugs) from you several times throughout the day. Treat every interaction as an opportunity to connect with your child. Greet them with warm expressions, give eye contact, smile, and encourage honest interaction.

Say “I love you” often
It is often implied that we love our children, but be sure to tell them every day, no matter what age they are. Even when your child is being difficult or does something you don’t like; this can be an excellent opportunity to remind them that you love them unconditionally. A simple “I love you” can have a major impact on your long-term relationship with your child.

Set boundaries, rules, and consequences
Children need structure and guidance as they grow and learn about the world around them. Talk to your children about what you expect of them and make sure they understand. When rules are broken, make sure to have age-appropriate consequences in place and be consistent with them. To learn more about age-appropriate consequences, visit https://www.familyeducation.com/kids/an-age-by-age-guide-to-setting-discipline-consequences-for-kids.

Listen and empathize
Connection starts with listening. Acknowledge your child’s feelings, show them you understand, and reassure them that you are there to help with whatever they need. Try to see things from your child’s perspective. By listening and empathizing with your child, you will begin to foster mutual respect.

Play Together
Play is so important to a child’s development. It is the tool through which children develop language skills, express emotions, foster creativity, and learn about social skills. Additionally, it is a fun way for you to strengthen your relationship with your child. It does not matter what you play. The key is to just enjoy each other and commit to giving your child your undivided attention.

Be available and distraction-free
Setting aside just 10 minutes a day to talk to to your child, without distractions, can make a big difference in establishing good communication habits. Turn off the TV, put away your electronic devices, and spend some quality time together. Your child needs to know that you believe they are a priority in your life despite the many distractions and stressors that come your way.

Eat meals together
Eating together as a family can often lead to great conversation and bonding time with your child. Encourage everyone to put their phones or other devices away and simply enjoy each other’s company. Meal time is also a great opportunity for you to teach your children the importance of a healthy and balanced diet, which also effects their overall mental health.

Create parent-child rituals
If you have more than one child, try to make a point of spending individual time with each of them. Quality, one-on-one time with your child can strengthen the parent-child bond, builds up your child’s self-esteem, and lets them know that they are special and valued. Some parents schedule in special “date nights” with their children to create that one-on-one opportunity (whether it’s a walk around the neighborhood, a trip to the playground, or just a movie at home – it’s important to celebrate each child individually).

Need Additional Support?

Family Services offers several programs to parents and youth throughout Northeast Wisconsin to support and guide parents in establishing a positive parent-child relationship. To learn more about our program offerings, click here. We also offer a number of parenting classes and workshops in the Fox Valley. You can view our current Parenting Class schedule here.

Sources:

https://www.parentingni.org/blog/parent-child-relationship-why-its-important/#:~:text=A%20child%20who%20has%20a,optimistic%20and%20confident%20social%20behaviours.

https://www.verywellfamily.com/tips-to-strengthen-families-617242

https://www.thepillarsclc.com/why-a-parent-child-relationship-is-important/

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Videos.

Getting started with relationships between tables

Check how it works!

The main advantage of relational databases is the ability to use information from different tables. To do this, you first need to create links between them. You can then combine this data in queries, forms, and reports.

To see all relationships in a database, open an Access template, and then on the 9 tab0007 Working with databases press the button Data schema .

Note: If you have an empty database open or you haven't created table relationships yet, Access will prompt you to add a table or query. You must have at least two tables to create a relationship. It is best to create all the necessary tables at once. For more information, see Create Relationships Using the Lookup Wizard and Create Relationships in the Data Schema Pane.

Description of the Data Schema area

Lines in the Relationships view indicate relationships between tables. In the figure below, the table on the left is the parent table. The table on the right is for children. The line between them connects the fields (in this case, "Order ID" and "Item ID") used to match data.

Lines and symbols can be used to determine communication parameters.

A thick trunk indicates that data integrity is enabled. This is good. The data will be synced.
In the image above, the number 1 means that there can be only one related record in the table on the left. In the "Orders" table, each order can correspond to only one record.
The symbol "∞" means that several entries can contain the same number or code. The order in the table on the left, identified by the order number, can appear multiple times in the Order Details table because there can be more than one product per order.

Types of relationships between tables

Three types of relationships can be established between tables:

One-to-one . Each element is used only once in each table. For example, each employee can only use one company car. For more information, see Create one-to-one relationships.
One-to-Many . For one element from the first table, you can create an association with several elements from the second table. For example, each invoice may list multiple products.
Many-to-many . One or more elements from the first table can be linked to one or more elements from the second table. For example, each order can include multiple products, and each product can be listed in multiple orders. For more information, see Create many-to-many relationships.

One-to-Many Relationships

One-to-many relationships are among the most common in well-structured databases.

Relationships between tables are usually defined by a primary key in one of them. The primary key serves as a unique identifier for each record (often numeric). To show that information in two tables is related, a primary key typically creates a relationship that originates from the same table.

In the relationship shown below, each person in the Contacts table has an ID that is a primary key (marked with a key icon). This identifier is also used in the "Owner" field in the "Assets" table. To write an email to the person associated with the asset, use the value of the Email Address field. To do this, you need to find out the value of the "Owner" field from the "Assets" table, and then find this identifier in the "Contacts" table. Number 1 on one end of a trunk and a "∞" on the other means it's a one-to-many relationship, so one contact can be associated with multiple assets.

Communication change

If you are working with an existing database or created a database from a template, you can change the association as needed.

Note: If required tables are open, close them first, as well as any open objects that use them.

Select Working with databases > Schema .
Select a line connecting two related tables.

Tip: If the desired relationship is missing, on the Design tab , in the Relationships group, click the All Relationships button.
On the tab of the Designer, click the Edit Links button.

Table/query is the parent table listed on the left (Customers in this example).

Related table/query is a child table (in this example, "Orders").

Even if the tables are arranged in a different order in the "Data Schema" area, their arrangement in the dialog box shown determines the direction of the connecting line between them and, accordingly, the direction of the relationship. This is important, for example, for one-to-many relationships, because in this case only one field can be associated in the table on the left (parent), and several fields in the table on the right (child).
To change linked fields, select a different field under each displayed table. In this example, the "Code" field from the "Customers" table is connected to the "Customer Code" field from the "Orders" table.

Set up data synchronization between tables.

Ensuring data integrity

Select this item to avoid data errors and keep information in sync using the link.

For example, suppose you have a one-to-one relationship between the Employees and Employee Benefits tables. If an employee quits and you delete them from the Employees table, the corresponding entry in the Employee Benefits table is also deleted.

Sometimes it doesn't make sense to enforce data integrity. Let's say you have a one-to-many relationship between Shippers and Orders. You delete the shipper and it matches the orders in the Orders table. These orders become orphaned, that is, they still contain the shipper ID, but it is not valid because the entry it refers to no longer exists.

Cascading update of related fields

Select this check box to update data in related fields in all related tables.

Suppose you just want to change the vendor code. If you select this check box, the supplier code will be updated not only in the Suppliers table, but also in other tables related to it that also use this code value (for example, in the Orders table).

Cascading deletion of related entries

Select this check box if you want to delete related records from other tables when deleting records.

Suppose you have deleted a shipper. If this option is selected, Access deletes all records in all tables that refer to this shipper ID, including all orders (in the Orders table) sent by this shipper. This option can only be selected if you are sure you want to delete your order history.

To change the relationship between tables from an inner join to an outer join, click the Join button. For more information, see Create Queries with Outer Joins.

Deleting a relationship between tables

Note: If required tables are open, close them first, as well as any open objects that use them.

Deleting a link between tables

Select Working with databases > Schema .
Select a line connecting two related tables.

Tip: If the desired relationship is missing, on the Design tab , in the Relationships group, click the All Relationships button.
Press the DELETE key. If you need to confirm the deletion, press the button Yes .

Note: Removing a link also disables Data Integrity for the link, if enabled. As a result, Access will no longer prevent changes that result in incomplete records from many records in a one-to-many relationship.

Do you need more features?

Creating, editing, and deleting a relationship

Psychology of relations between children and parents

Family relationships play a decisive role in the life of any child. The model of behavior laid down in childhood, even if it is destructive, then manifests itself in many aspects. Parents are the people who have the greatest influence on children and teenagers. Therefore, their main task is to form harmonious, good relations, with a minimum of conflicts and quarrels.

What is a family and parental relationships

A family is a social group that has a huge psychological impact on a person throughout his life and contributes to the formation of the most important values.

In a family, adults and children have specific roles and interact very closely with each other over time. This largely determines the psychological, physiological, moral state of the child.

It is absolutely normal and understandable that the desire of a married couple who are preparing to become parents, to give the baby only the best. But mother and father must understand that during their upbringing they will largely repeat the model of relationships that was in their families.

Psychological features of the relationship between children and parents include:

Mutual Trust . The absence of doubts in each other ensures peace in the family. The appearance of suspicion leads to a loss of trust and becomes the main cause of a person's loneliness in adulthood in the future. Moreover, most do not realize that the roots of the problem are precisely in their family relationships in childhood.
Rational score . Parents should give the child enough attention to adequately assess his personal and professional success. It is necessary to take part in the life of the child, to express his approval, sympathy, somewhere to suggest. Only by joint efforts can we achieve results.
Support and sympathy . The most important point of interaction in the family. If parents show these feelings, then the child in their society feels calm.
Adequate requirements . From childhood, the child must clearly understand their duties and fulfill them. In families where there is no division of responsibilities, children often experience severe psychological discomfort. They try to please their parents, but do not know how to do it, because they do not understand their place in the family hierarchy.

The child needs a constant assessment of his actions by his parents, their support, attention, in order to understand that he is doing everything right. If there is no reaction from the parents, then this leads to the development of insecurity, a decrease in self-esteem. As a result, the child often tries to find understanding outside of family relationships, which can often be dangerous.

Adults should be clearly aware that their relationships in the family are an example for the child. The foundations of the character of the baby are laid up to seven years. After that, it will be possible to change something for the better only with the help of work with psychologists. And this requires a lot of effort, time, energy.

The psychology of relations between children and parents includes the following important points:

communication;
Team work;
the influence of parents on the formation of the character of the child;
the influence of the child on the relationship between father and mother.

Relations within the family are prosperous when everyone respects and trusts each other, when making important decisions, the opinion of all family members is taken into account. But there is also the opposite option, when there is no understanding, trust, mutual respect in the family.

There are several types of relationships within the family:

mutually beneficial cooperation, taking into account the interests of all family members;
rivalry, when everyone tries to become the leader of the family and realize their needs even by infringing on the interests of other members;
union - all people in the cell have their own benefits;
confrontation - the desire to become the main one, even if it threatens significant damage to other family members;
antagonism - complete rejection of each other's desires and opinions, regardless of marital status.

The first scientific direction, which began to study in detail the child-parent relationship and find out their influence on the process of education and formation of a person's character, was psychoanalysis. As a result of the study, the educational positions of parents were formed, which have the greatest influence on the character of the child and his emotional background:

1. Optimal positions . Parents treat the child adequately, clearly see his needs, are able to accept and understand age-related changes, restructure their behavior in time to find an approach to the child at any stage of his development and maturation.

2. Suboptimal . Parents behave inflexibly, straightforwardly. Their behavior is always the same, although the child grows, his needs become different, and the environment is constantly changing. The inability to discern these changes, an incorrect assessment of the psychological state of the child, the inability to predict his actions and play ahead of the curve can adversely affect relationships within the family.

It must be understood that these relationship models can be adjusted if desired. But this is a big and long work that requires the help of specialists.

Types of family relationships

Psychologists distinguish the following types of family relationships:

1. Social - biological . This is hygiene, fertility, care of children and parents about each other.

2. Legal . They include questions of relations between parents, as well as questions of inheritance and adoption.

3. Economic and economic . Earning money, forming a family budget, taking care of babies and the elderly.

4. Moral . The upbringing of children, the formation of moral values of each family member.

5. Pedagogical . Parents raise a child and when he grows up they transfer the pedagogical function to him so that he brings up his children.

6. Psychological . Emotions and relationships within the family between all its members. For communication and relationships to be healthy, the family must support each other in all endeavors.

Ways of raising children in the family

The way a child is brought up in a family is determined by such factors as experience, age and relationships between parents, the socio-economic situation of the family, and the traditional nature of the parents' views on life. Their classifications of relationships have been proposed by many psychologists.

The most popular today is the classification of the psychology of relations between children and parents, according to which the following types of parenting are distinguished:0005

1. Democratic . Parents warmly relate to the child, practically do not limit or control him. Adults are always open to communication on an equal footing, the child is given complete freedom and unconditional love is shown to him.

2. Authoritarian . Parents treat the child coldly and tightly control him. This style does not imply trust. The child must strictly follow all the rules set by the parents.

3. Hypoopekek . Parents are busy with their own affairs and do not pay any attention to the children. If the child needs something, then his request is simply ignored. Children in such families grow up on their own, they have no one to discuss problems with, which leads to loneliness. Not receiving support from the family, the child begins to look for her on the side. It happens that parents at some point realize their mistakes and try to catch up, but, unfortunately, it's too late. The child has moved away from the family and does not want to share his achievements with them.

4. Hypercare . The child gets everything he wants from his parents. He never gets rejected. As a result, a person gets used to relying on the family in everything, knowing that in case of something they will help him. This leads to lack of independence, inability to make decisions. If something happens to the child, then the parents begin to patronize and control him even more. Over time, the situation only gets worse. Parents choose friends for the child, a company for walks, and so on.

5. Rigid . Parents in a rigid form require the exact and precise fulfillment of all their requirements. The child seeks to please his parents and makes every effort to meet their requirements. If something does not work out, then he suffers greatly. This is one of the most destructive types of parenting.

Principles of parent-child relations

The following basic principles are distinguished:

equality - children and parents in the family have the same rights;
acceptance - based on the fact that people listen to each other and try to make objective decisions, even if they do not exactly coincide with their opinion;
joint development of children and parents;
understanding - parents always try to look at the situation through the eyes of the child and understand his motivation, this approach helps to strengthen the family;
friendship - children and parents often spend time together as friends and they like it;
communication - the main role in education is played by the communication of parents and children, pronouncing difficult situations, this strengthens relationships within the family.
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