How to deal with disrespectful step child

Disrespectful Stepkids and How to Handle Them – Blended and Black

Naja Hall Parental Alienation, step parenting bad stepchildren, bitter ex, blended family, coparenting, disrespectful stepkids, divorce, forgiveness, high conflict coparent, step mom, stepmom advice

Are you dealing with disrespectful stepkids? Why would they be disrespectful? Like it or not, phrases like, “You’re not my Mom!” may be thrown around in times of disobedience and defiance. As a pruned at this very moment to defy my Husband and I every chance they get. They are being severely alienated and have been repeatedly told that their Dad does not love them….blah, blah, blah. Alas, we have quite a task on our hands…well. not really. My Husband and I are firm in our efforts to ensure that they receive an abundance of love and we do know that in time, they will be able to decipher light from darkness.

You see, your Stepkids want discipline and they need structure. While they are instructed to obey other adults, mommy new boyfriends’, teachers and authority figures, being instructed to do the opposite to a parent they love is confusing and stressful.

Be clear on WHO sets the rules

If Stepkids become defiant or confrontational, as the adult, you are allowed to be firm. Most articles will tell you that a Stepparent should not be a disciplinarian, however, you should not tolerate disrespect and disobedience from a child. In our situation, my Stepkids understand that their father is very much the disciplinarian. He commands structure and obedience.  I absolutely love the fact that does not experience “Dad guilt”. He has laid the groundwork that, I am “Daddy’s assistant” and whatever I instruct them to do are their father’s direct orders.

Ensure that your partner has established your position in the home

Be sure that your Spouse has established you as a authority figure that deserves love and respect from the kids. As a Step Parent, you are more than a babysitter. You are the lady of the house and you are your partner’s Helpmate.

Be Firm with Disrespectful Stepkids

Be firm when the kids are disobedient when your Spouse is not around. Kids are smart, arent’ they? They know how to be manipulative and they especially know how to project their loyalty to their “other” parent onto their Stepparent. While it may seem easier to push the responsibility to your partner, forge ahead. Your marriage, your home and your peace-of-mind are a priority. Should any disruption impede, handle it….with care. But handle it.

Set Boundaries with the custodial parent

If you’re dealing with a high- conflict ex, be sure to structure contact so that it does not interfere with the time you’re allotted with the kids. Your Stepkids should not be able to “tell on you” or “call their other parent” when they do not like abiding by your rules.   Your Stepkids should know that no outside adults have authority in your home and when they are in your care, they are to abide by the household rules.

Treat ALL of the children equally

Show your Step kids the same love you show your bio kids. They should NEVER feel that you love them any less. It may be difficult to disciple your bio children and Stepkids are allowed to “get away with more” but it does come with the territory. Be mindful that kids are sensitive to divisiveness and favoritism.

RELAX and enjoy your family!

You may want to do some research into the temperament of the child you are dealing with, aside from the stress of coping with their “new normal” some children are dealing with other factors that affect their attitude. This last point is short and sweet. Finally, as Tupac always said, “Keep your head up.” Disrespectful Stepkids are not a reflection on who you are as a parent, they may be emoting so many other emotions that they simply do not know how to express. Focus on your marriage, your household and love your family.

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What to Do When Stepkids Disrespect You

Over the years, many parents in blended families have come to me about stepchild disrespect. In some cases, their stepkids didn’t respect them, and in others, their biological child didn’t respect their new spouse.

Often, the kids were rude or obnoxious, saying things like, “You’re not my father; I don’t have to listen to you!”

Naturally, stepparents become very upset when their stepchildren are disrespectful to them. The truth is, a child may never respect their stepparent, but they have to know they can’t get away with being rude or obnoxious. Therefore, you and your spouse need to be united in demanding that your kids treat both of you respectfully.

And let me be clear about disrespect. Parents have to be careful because it’s difficult to stop this behavior once it gets entrenched. By being rude, kids train adults what not to ask them and what not to expect of them. And households don’t function well where the kids teach the adults how to behave rather than the other way around.

Explain the Family Rules to Your Kids

If you haven’t done so already, sit down with the kids in your blended family and explain the ground rules. Start by saying:

“In our family now, both of us are the parents.”

And then say:

“And these are the expectations on every child.”

I also recommend that parents tell their stepkids from the beginning:

“You don’t have to call me Mom, but you must be respectful and follow my directions.”

Have this meeting together with your partner and all the children. And set the expectation that you both will enforce the rules the same.

The consequences for defiance should be clear and consistently enforced. For example, the kids in the family should know that if they disrespect their stepmother or stepfather, they will lose their electronics privileges for the rest of the night.

In other words, there should be no tolerance for defiance and disrespect. You and your partner need to present a unified front when explaining this to your kids.

How to Handle “You’re Not My Mom!”

If one of your stepkids says, “You’re not my mom; I don’t have to do what you say!” You can say:

“No, I’m not your mother, but you have to do your homework anyway.”

Or:

“We’re not talking about me being your father. We’re talking about when you’re going to start your homework.”

When a child says, “You’re not my mom or dad,” what they’re trying to do is take your power away. Focus on your role as the parent and calmly remind the child what the rules are in your home.

The whole idea here is to avoid a power struggle. The child is inviting you to a fight; decline the invitation. Instead, restate your role and the rules. They don’t have to call them Mom or Dad unless they want to, but they must be respectful and follow the rules.

Child: “You’re not my mom/dad!”

Translation: I don’t have to listen to you; you have no control over me.

Ineffective parent response: “You’ll do what I say anyway!”

Effective parent response: “I am not your mother. But I am one of the parents in this household responsible for you, and you are obligated to follow the household rules. And if you break the rules, there will be consequences.”

Focus on Your Stepchild’s Behavior, Not Their Thoughts

As long as your stepchild complies with your rules, don’t worry if they seem a bit resentful that you’re their authority. In other words, don’t challenge them on what they’re thinking.

For example, when you tell them to do their chores and they do them, that should be enough. They don’t have to like it. You have to let it go as long as you have reasonable compliance.

And don’t worry if they give you a dirty look or roll their eyes—those behaviors are annoying but harmless. Therefore, don’t give the eye-rolling undeserved power by reacting to it. Instead, ignore it, and it will eventually go away.

Here’s the bottom line: if you carry yourself with respect, kids will find things to like about you. That’s because kids want to like people that they respect.

Also, know that kids may never get over the breakup of their original family. But also know there’s nothing you as a stepparent can do about that besides accept it and avoid getting into fights about it.

Parent Your Biological Kids and Stepkids The Same

When you’re parenting in a blended household, they’re all your kids. That means, parent them all the same and don’t give special treatment to your biological kids. Treat each kid the same, regardless of whether they’re your biological or stepchild.

Similarly, family time should also include everyone; try not to make distinctions. That means you say the following:

“When we’re going to the zoo, we’re all going to the zoo—the whole family.”

Or:

“When it’s family dinner time, we’re all eating together.”

It’s Okay That Your Biological Child is Special to You

Even though you need to parent all the kids the same, understand that it’s normal and natural to have special love, feelings, and attachments to your biological kids. Don’t feel guilty about that—it’s okay and expected. You don’t have to fight those feelings. Your biological kids are not the same as your stepkids.

Nevertheless, know that when it comes to rules, consequences, and family commitments, compartmentalize your special feelings and be consistent with all your kids, whether step or biological.

And don’t worry that you might lose that connection with your biological kid by doing so. There may be anger and jealousy, but that biological connection is strong and doesn’t go away.

What To Do When Your Biological Child Challenges You

Often, in blended families, it’s common for the biological kids to challenge their birth parents. They’ll accuse their parents of being unfair. They’ll say things like, “You’re treating his kids better than me.” Or, “He treats his kids better than you treat us.” And you might also hear, “He treats his kids better than he treats us.”

When your child comes to you and says something unfair happened, the kind of question you have to ask is:

“If I was there, what would I have seen?”

So, let’s say your child says, “Today, my step-mom treated her kids better than us. ” As the biological parent, the question you have to ask is not, “How did you feel?” or “What happened,” because you’re likely get a distorted and emotional response to open-ended questions like that.

Instead, parents should ask what I call investigative questions. For example, ask your child:

“If I was there, what would I have seen?”

Let’s say the answer is, “You would have seen her give three cookies to her kids and two cookies to us.” That’s something they can see, not what they felt.

So, finding out what they saw is the most effective way to investigate these situations. Those are also my key questions when parents tell me their kids are acting out at home. One of the things I used to ask them in my office was:

“If I was there, what would I have seen?”

And then they’ll say, “You’d have seen my son punching a hole in the wall and threatening his sister and calling his brother names.”

I want to know what I would have seen because that’s how I can determine what they need to do differently.

So again, you’re asking for facts. And after you get the facts, say to your child:

“Okay, I’ll look into it and will get back to you.”

And then talk to the other parent in private to discuss the issue.

Get on the Same Page With Your Spouse

Parents in all families, but especially blended families, are often in conflict about how to parent the kids. They may disagree on the rules about bedtime, homework, or the use of electronics. Try to resolve these parenting differences and learn how to parent together as a team.

But don’t kid yourselves. Although you may agree to things and work them out ahead of time, as stressors and different situations happen, realize that it’s common for you and your spouse to react in ways you didn’t anticipate. It’s impossible to plan for everything.

The key is to be adult and understanding of each other. If you’re in a blended family situation, you have to learn to live with your partner by respecting their point of view.

The rule has to be, “Whatever agreement we come up with, we have to present a united front.” Indeed, the common theme in the family should be that Mom and Dad work together as a team.

That way, when your stepchild says, “You’re not my father,” the answer is, “You’re right, I’m not. But these are the expectations that your mother and I have, and if you don’t follow through, you will be held accountable.” This clarity allows you to avoid getting into power struggles with your stepchild.

Recognize the Importance of the Biological Parent

It’s important to establish the importance of the biological parent. The biological parent ought to be the primary parent in most cases. Think of it this way: marriages break up sometimes, but the relationship between the child and the birth parent will never dissolve.

Because of this connection, the biological parent should be the decision-maker of last resort for their child, as long as the decisions don’t jeopardize the emotional and physical safety of everyone else in the family.

That means when there are conflicts, the birth parent will make the final decision. Of course, that doesn’t mean the child is allowed to be abusive or hurtful.

If you think your spouse isn’t parenting your child the way they should, you need to communicate with them and work things out. If there’s a disagreement, the birth parent’s decision takes priority, and the stepparent has to be mature enough and trusting enough in the relationship to go along with it, without a lot of pouting and self-pity.

Related content: Blended Family? The 5 Secrets of Effective Stepparenting

Do Things Together as a Family

If you want to come together as a family, you have to make rules about doing things together. So you can make the rule, “On Wednesday nights, we all watch a video together.” This rule is in place whether the kids like it or not. Make family time a requirement.

Let them know that if they refuse to watch the video, they lose their electronics for the rest of the night. But the deal is, we all watch a video, and we all go to the zoo. In short, this family does things together.

Requiring family time gives kids the message that “This is important to us, and it’s so important that it’s a requirement.” They learn that you do things as a family and respect each other when you’re doing them.

By the way, don’t overdo it with teenagers because, developmentally, their job is to start to break away. We only want them to make a reasonable effort to participate without being abusive, disrespectful, or nasty.

With younger kids, having a night where you play board games is fun. Older kids may resist it at first, but younger kids will love it. If you start when they’re small, family night becomes a given, and it becomes their way of understanding how the family operates.

Encourage Your Kids to Express Themselves

One last word about kids: children have to be empowered to express what they feel and think, and those thoughts and feelings have to be accepted at face value.

When two adults decide to blend their families, kids have no choice. As a result, the kids feel powerless. That’s why if you try to do a family meeting without getting their input first, kids will likely get defensive or feel threatened.

Therefore, give the kids appropriate ways to express themselves so they don’t have to act out their feelings behaviorally. Expressing themselves doesn’t mean they get to decide how the family will run, but it does mean they have input.

Also, this input is usually best received by the child’s birth parent. If birth parents can talk to their kids about their concerns, it is much easier to work them out, and it’s much easier for the two adults to agree.

So the idea is not to squelch the kids but rather to set up a situation where they can express their feelings safely and appropriately. And remember, no rule or situation has to last forever.

Be a Mature Parent

Blended families can be emotionally hard on parents. For example, it’s hard to see your stepchild come back from a holiday with their other set of parents and have better presents than you gave them. And it’s hard when they brag about the fun things they did with their other family or are sad about the things they used to do before their original family split up.

You will be hurt and frustrated at times—that’s entirely normal in these situations. And without a doubt, you’ll harbor resentment and jealousy.

Nevertheless, you’ve got to learn to handle these situations maturely, and you have to manage your emotions effectively. It helps to talk to your partner or call your friends for support. If you need professional help, go to a counselor.

The main thing is, you need to work toward accepting the realities of a blended family. It’s not that you shouldn’t feel these things—it’s that you need to deal with your feelings maturely and not let your emotions control you.

Conclusion

The key to finding harmony in a blended family is communication and maturity on the part of the parents. Accept that the kids may never blend the way you want them to, or they may blend wonderfully. But know that it’s the parents who have to blend, and that means seeing your spouse as a partner, not as an obstacle.

I know that this advice is easier said than done. But I’ve seen many families do it successfully, and they’ve been able to bring peace to their homes.

Related content:
Stepchildren Making You Crazy? 5 Ways to Manage Conflict in Blended Families

How to behave with a stepson? 5 tips from psychologists, consultations

Galia (38 years old) 23.07.2019

Hello! The situation is this: in the morning, after breakfast, the stepson (16 years old) gives out an opinion: it’s impossible to live with my father, you can never argue with him, not a single woman would live with him .... I was outraged by his position and look at his father . .. A little later that afternoon, I wrote to him in a messenger, they say it’s very insulting that you think so, I have been living with him for 4 years, so everything is okay. He answers me: my mother did not begin to live with him, and in general it is you who are to blame for their divorce, and here WE give out the key (the late grandmother is my mother-in-law, grandfather is the father-in-law) we believe that you are to blame for their divorce ... And here I already caught the shock ... We met his father 10 (!) months after the divorce ... And for about six months we did not advertise our relationship ... The eldest son stayed with his father, explaining that I didn’t want to leave him, my mother took the youngest to another city (he was 2.5 years old at that time) ... I sincerely love my husband’s children, I never infringed on them .. Sometimes I put their interests above the interests of my own children .. .. There was a period, a year before the death of my mother-in-law, it was as if my husband's parents were replaced, they stopped talking to me, insulted me. My husband had conflicts with his parents on this basis, and now my stepson remembered it all. In the end, he finally finished me off: if it weren’t for you, my parents would have been together, and we would have had a strong family (((As a result: my father spoke to him, explained everything, but everything seemed to burn out inside me, I can’t with him I can’t talk, I can’t look at him, I feel used .... I understand that over time everything will return to normal, but here’s how to make sure that I have a better relationship with him? ... nine0003

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How should I deal with my stepson? (1 answer)

Dear Galia!

Any person (including your stepson) has the right to his opinion, because different people look at the same situation differently. One man behaves differently with different women: he quarrels with one and does not yield, on the other he is sweet and accommodating. A guy at the age of 16 does not yet have this understanding, he is a maximalist, he has no life experience. Why are you so outraged by his words about his father? Why do you need to prove something to him? When you disagree with him, you can simply say: “I can’t agree with you, I have a different opinion” or say nothing at all. What matters is how you feel about your husband, not what others say. Remember that every child is offended that mom and dad got divorced, he also feels guilty about this, so that the feeling of guilt is not so unbearable, he shifts this blame to another woman with whom dad lives, without really going into the details and timing of them relationships. This is how psychological defenses work. If you can't talk to your stepson right now, don't talk until you've calmed down and feel you're ready to communicate at a casual level. In no case do not take revenge on him, remember that he has the right to see events the way he sees them. nine0003

Sincerely yours, family psychologist Volzhenina Liliya Mikhailovna, Novosibirsk

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Hello Galia, I really sympathize with you in your condition. .. Children have their own shock from the fact that their parents have separated, perhaps he cannot bear not to see his mother and parents together. You are not to blame for anything, this is an internal conflict of the child himself. Just pick a time and place and sit down with your stepson and have a heart to heart talk. Tell that you met later with your father, after the divorce and your fault is not here. Ask him what's really going on with him? If there is not enough mother, let him live with her for a while. nine0003

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How to behave with an ex-husband without losing your temper? (2 answers)

Hello, Galia! Your stepson is in his teens, and all the experiences that were in him began to manifest themselves right now. He can have his own opinion and plus the imposed one, but this speaks in him of resentment, anger at his father. He can't express his displeasure to anyone but you. It’s scary to tell your father, suddenly he will get angry and reject. She is far away from talking to her mother, and it will not help. But he can tell you. This is my subjective opinion. Don't overreact to his antics. Especially to complain to her husband. Imagine yourself in his place, maybe this will help you understand him. His immature, childish feelings. He will not be able to understand you, due to his age. Perhaps he has problems at school, with peers about which there is no one to tell. At this age, you need to talk to your father more with boys, share with them, answer exciting questions. After all, he is on the threshold of adulthood, he needs moral support. It's not your fault that his parents divorced and that his father chose you. It was his adult, masculine decision. I don't think anyone will argue with that. All the best to you, love and harmonious relations in the family! nine0003

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Hello Galia,

First of all, he has a difficult age, at that age and in a whole family it is difficult to pacify a teenager, not to mention in your case, a boy can have a lot of resentment and anger at everyone, not only at you, but also on others around them, they are not yet sufficiently conscious and emotionally mature to track their feelings and behavior. Therefore, divorce is always undesirable when there are children, but we cannot make our life ideal for various reasons, therefore it is necessary to get out of the situation as painlessly as possible and without harming ourselves and loved ones. The boy is an important figure in your family, since he is the son of your husband, so the thought of establishing good relations and not exacerbating it is also in your interests, it will be difficult for the boy to explain this in words, since there is no alternative to show him, he does not know and did not feel , it is for this reason that he needs to work with a psychologist, and then it is advisable to go together to one family psychologist. There will be an opportunity to express your feelings and desires, but first you need to prepare the boy and work with him separately with a psychologist. Offer this idea to your husband, do not offer it directly, but let the husband offer it as an alternative, not intrusively, without forcing, saying that many people solve problems in this way and that you will all visit a psychologist, since you are all participants in his life. nine0003

Regards,

Daniyar

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Galiya, hello!

Your husband's son suffered a shock at the age of 11-12. His parents divorced.

What his grandmother, grandfather, his mother told him about it - only he knows.

Only he knows what mental traumas lie behind his statements.

With him, most likely, no one ever spoke frankly and heart to heart.

It is possible that no one asked how he felt.

Moreover, at the age of 12, he stayed with his father to support.

At this age, everyone wants a serene childhood, and the boy had to grow up early.

It is not known what kind of relationship he has with his mother, but even the fact that she was satisfied with her eldest son not living with her does not make the child's life happier.

Understand, this is still a teenager who has very little idea of ​​adulthood.

I recommend that you discuss all your observations with his father. Let him find ways to convey certain truths to the child.

For 4 years it is difficult to say what kind of relationship has formed between you.

If you manage to align them to the level of kind and friendly - great.

It is at this level that you can talk about what you liked and what you didn't...

I do not rule out that it makes sense for you to discuss your situation in the format of a face-to-face consultation.

All the best to you!

Sincerely,

Inna Snegireva, practical psychologist in Nur-Sultan (Astana)

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