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How single parenting affects the child


Child Well-Being in Single-Parent Families

This post high­lights the lat­est sta­tis­tics and demo­graph­ic trends involv­ing sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies. It iden­ti­fies some com­mon hur­dles fac­ing these fam­i­lies and shares oppor­tu­ni­ties for sup­port­ing both sin­gle par­ents and their children.

Defin­ing Chil­dren in Sin­gle-Par­ent Families

The Annie E. Casey Foundation’s KIDS COUNT® Data Cen­ter uses U.S. Cen­sus Bureau data to define chil­dren in sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies. This demo­graph­ic group describes any child under age 18 who lives with an unmar­ried par­ent. Chil­dren liv­ing with cohab­it­ing cou­ples are includ­ed in this group, but chil­dren liv­ing with a mar­ried par­ent and step­par­ent are not.

Sta­tis­tics About Chil­dren in Sin­gle-Par­ent Families

In the Unit­ed States today, near­ly 24 mil­lion chil­dren live in a sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­ly. This total, which has been ris­ing for half a cen­tu­ry, cov­ers about one in every three kids across Amer­i­ca. A num­ber of long-term demo­graph­ic trends have fueled this increase, includ­ing: mar­ry­ing lat­er, declin­ing mar­riage rates, increas­ing divorce rates and an uptick in babies born to sin­gle mothers.

With­in sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies, most chil­dren — 15 mil­lion — live in moth­er-only house­holds. Near­ly 6 mil­lion kids live with cohab­i­tat­ing par­ents and some 3 to 4 mil­lion kids live in father-only house­holds, accord­ing to 2019 esti­mates.*

Among unmar­ried par­ents, the share of sin­gle moth­ers has shrunk in recent decades while the share of cohab­it­ing par­ents has grown.

Sta­tis­tics by Race, Eth­nic­i­ty and Fam­i­ly Nativity

The like­li­hood of a child liv­ing in a sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­ly varies by race, eth­nic­i­ty and fam­i­ly nativ­i­ty. Data from 2019 indi­cates that:

  • Black and Amer­i­can Indi­an kids are most like­ly to live in a sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies (64% of Black chil­dren and 52% of Amer­i­can Indi­an chil­dren fit this demographic).
  • White and Asian and Pacif­ic Islander kids are least like­ly to live in a sin­gle-par­ent house­hold (24% of white chil­dren and 15% of Asian and Pacif­ic Islander chil­dren fit this demographic). 
  • Lati­no chil­dren and chil­dren who iden­ti­fy as two or more races fall some­where in the mid­dle — with 40% of kids from these groups liv­ing in a sin­gle-par­ent family.
  • Fam­i­ly nativ­i­ty makes a dif­fer­ence: 38% of kids in U.S.-born fam­i­lies live in a sin­gle-par­ent house­hold com­pared to just 24% of kids in immi­grant families.

Sin­gle-Par­ent Fam­i­ly Dif­fer­ences by State, City and Con­gres­sion­al District

The like­li­hood that a child lives in a sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­ly varies by location.

At the state lev­el, this sta­tis­tic varies — from a low of 19% of kids in Utah to a high of near­ly 50% of kids in Louisiana and Mis­sis­sip­pi liv­ing in a sin­gle-par­ent household.

Among the 50 most pop­u­lous U.S. cities with data in 2019: The share of chil­dren in sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies ranged from a low of 21% in Seat­tle to a high of 71% in Cleve­land. The KIDS COUNT Data Cen­ter also breaks this sta­tis­tic down by Con­gres­sion­al Dis­trict, which indi­cates even greater vari­a­tion local­ly — from a low of 14% to a high of 71% in 2019.

Sta­tis­tics on Sin­gle-Par­ent Homes and Poverty

Fam­i­ly struc­ture and socioe­co­nom­ic sta­tus are linked, accord­ing to 2019 data. Near­ly 30% of sin­gle par­ents live in pover­ty while just 6% of mar­ried cou­ples fit this same sta­tis­tic. Among one-par­ent house­holds: Sin­gle par­ents are more like­ly to live in pover­ty when com­pared to cohab­it­ing cou­ples, and sin­gle moth­ers are much more like­ly to be poor when com­pared to sin­gle fathers.

Com­mon Chal­lenges of Sin­gle-Par­ent Families

A num­ber of fac­tors have fueled the rise in sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies. For instance: More peo­ple are opt­ing to mar­ry lat­er in life, skip mar­riage alto­geth­er and have kids out­side of mar­riage. At the same time, mar­riages have grown more like­ly to end in divorce.

More than 20% of chil­dren born to mar­ried cou­ples will expe­ri­ence a divorce by age 9 and more than 50% of kids born to cohab­it­ing cou­ples will expe­ri­ence a parental breakup, accord­ing to some estimates.

Tran­si­tion­ing to a sin­gle-par­ent house­hold can dis­rupt a child’s rou­tines, edu­ca­tion, hous­ing arrange­ment and fam­i­ly income. It can also inten­si­fy the inci­dence of parental con­flict and stress. These changes can be very dif­fi­cult — and even trau­mat­ic — for some children.

Com­pared to kids in in mar­ried-par­ent house­holds, chil­dren in sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies are more like­ly to expe­ri­ence poor out­comes. While the research is com­plex, some­times con­tra­dic­to­ry and evolv­ing, mount­ing evi­dence indi­cates that under­ly­ing fac­tors — strong and sta­ble rela­tion­ships, parental men­tal health, socioe­co­nom­ic sta­tus and access to resources — have a greater impact on child suc­cess than does fam­i­ly struc­ture alone.

Chil­dren thrive when they have safe, sta­ble and nur­tur­ing envi­ron­ments and rela­tion­ships, and these con­di­tions and con­nec­tions can exist in any type of family.

Socioe­co­nom­ic Dis­ad­van­tage and its Impact on Children

Sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies — and espe­cial­ly moth­er-only house­holds — are more like­ly to live in pover­ty com­pared to mar­ried-par­ent house­holds. Giv­en this, kids of sin­gle par­ents are more like­ly to expe­ri­ence the con­se­quences of grow­ing up poor. Chil­dren in pover­ty are more like­ly to have phys­i­cal, men­tal and behav­ioral health prob­lems, dis­rupt­ed brain devel­op­ment, short­er edu­ca­tion­al tra­jec­to­ries, con­tact with the child wel­fare and jus­tice sys­tems, employ­ment chal­lenges in adult­hood and more.

Many fam­i­lies are low-income but sit above the fed­er­al­ly-defined pover­ty line. Chil­dren from these fam­i­lies often face sim­i­lar chal­lenges and live in com­mu­ni­ties with lim­it­ed access to qual­i­ty health care, com­pre­hen­sive sup­port ser­vices and enrich­ing activities.

Researchers have also linked pover­ty to parental stress. Sin­gle par­ents may strug­gle to cov­er their family’s basic needs, includ­ing food, util­i­ties, hous­ing, child care, cloth­ing and trans­porta­tion. Nav­i­gat­ing these deci­sions alone — and with lim­it­ed resources — can send stress lev­els soar­ing. High parental stress, in turn, can spark even more chal­lenges and adverse out­comes among the chil­dren involved.

Also worth not­ing: Pover­ty lev­els for Black, Amer­i­can Indi­an and Lati­no chil­dren are con­sis­tent­ly above the nation­al aver­age, and these gen­er­a­tions-long inequities per­sist regard­less of fam­i­ly structure.

Poten­tial Emo­tion­al and Behav­ioral Impact on Children

Kids from sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies are more like­ly to face emo­tion­al and behav­ioral health chal­lenges — like aggres­sion or engag­ing in high-risk behav­iors — when com­pared to peers raised by mar­ried par­ents. Research has linked these health chal­lenges with fac­tors often asso­ci­at­ed with sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies, such as parental stress, lost social net­works, wit­ness­ing con­flict, mov­ing homes and socioe­co­nom­ic hurdles.

Chil­dren of sin­gle moth­ers may face addi­tion­al chal­lenges. For instance: Depres­sion, which can neg­a­tive­ly impact par­ent­ing, is com­mon among recent­ly divorced mothers.

Such hard­ships would be dif­fi­cult for any child. But kids can recov­er and thrive — par­tic­u­lar­ly when raised with the ben­e­fits of nur­tur­ing rela­tion­ships, sta­bil­i­ty, and men­tal health support.

Poten­tial Impact on Child Development

Experts are increas­ing­ly view­ing child devel­op­ment dis­rup­tions through the lens of adverse child­hood expe­ri­ences (ACEs). These poten­tial­ly trau­mat­ic events can take many forms, such as divorce or parental sep­a­ra­tion, pover­ty, men­tal health chal­lenges, sub­stance use and abuse at home, expo­sure to vio­lence, and so forth. ACEs can cause ​“tox­ic stress,” which can lead to last­ing, dele­te­ri­ous dis­rup­tions in a child’s phys­i­cal and men­tal health, edu­ca­tion and oth­er life outcomes.

The risk of ACE expo­sure varies by a child’s race and eth­nic­i­ty, with Amer­i­can Indi­an and Black chil­dren more like­ly to expe­ri­ence mul­ti­ple ACEs than peers from oth­er racial and eth­nic cat­e­gories. Gen­er­al­ly speak­ing, how­ev­er: The more ACEs a child expe­ri­ences, the greater the risk of harm­ful effects.

Poten­tial Influ­ence on Education

Aca­d­e­m­i­cal­ly speak­ing, chil­dren in sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies are more like­ly to drop out of high school when com­pared to peers with mar­ried par­ents. This height­ened risk is like­ly is due to fac­tors asso­ci­at­ed with many sin­gle-par­ent house­holds; research indi­cates that chil­dren with few­er eco­nom­ic resources, more fam­i­ly insta­bil­i­ty, and more ACEs are at increased risk of poor edu­ca­tion­al out­comes — includ­ing drop­ping out of school.

Changes in Time Spent with Parents

While every fam­i­ly sit­u­a­tion is unique, chil­dren in sin­gle-par­ent house­holds are like­ly to have less time with their par­ent when com­pared to peers in cohab­it­ing- or mar­ried-cou­ple house­holds. This is par­tic­u­lar­ly true if that par­ent works more than one job or long hours to make ends meet.

After a divorce or parental breakup, chil­dren often have less time with their non­res­i­dent par­ent, which is typ­i­cal­ly the father. Main­tain­ing an involved, nur­tur­ing rela­tion­ship with the non­cus­to­di­al par­ent is high­ly impor­tant for a child’s well-being.

A Bet­ter Infra­struc­ture and Stronger Safe­ty Net for Families

Many pro­gram and pol­i­cy strate­gies exist to sup­port chil­dren in sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies and to reduce inequities due to race, eth­nic­i­ty and socioe­co­nom­ic sta­tus. For exam­ple, out­comes for these chil­dren can be improved by:

  • Strength­en­ing finan­cial safe­ty net pro­grams and improv­ing afford­able hous­ing, which can reduce insta­bil­i­ty and parental stress.
  • Pro­vid­ing afford­able, acces­si­ble high-qual­i­ty ear­ly child­hood edu­ca­tion, which has crit­i­cal ben­e­fits for child devel­op­ment and sup­ports parental employ­ment and fam­i­ly stability.
  • Max­i­miz­ing two-gen­er­a­tion com­mu­ni­ty devel­op­ment strate­gies that improve the qual­i­ty of schools for kids and build job and par­ent­ing skills for the adults in their lives.
  • Offer­ing trau­ma-informed and cul­tur­al­ly appro­pri­ate ser­vices — such as home-vis­it­ing ser­vices, par­ent edu­ca­tion, men­tal health care and sub­stance use treat­ment — that address parental stress and sup­port fam­i­ly relationships.
  • Sup­port­ing the needs of young par­ents and also young fathers, espe­cial­ly those of color.

Strengths of Sin­gle-Par­ent Families

Many sin­gle par­ents pro­vide sta­ble, lov­ing envi­ron­ments and rela­tion­ships for their chil­dren. Exam­ples of how sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies can ben­e­fit chil­dren include:

  • Solo par­ents may have more time to focus on their kids if they no longer need to spend time focus­ing on the needs of their spouse or partner.
  • Years of fight­ing may pre­cede a divorce or sep­a­ra­tion. End­ing this con­flict and pro­vid­ing calm envi­ron­ments can reduce stress for both the chil­dren and parents.

Chang­ing the Con­ver­sa­tion About Chil­dren in Sin­gle-Par­ent Families

Chil­dren can thrive in any fam­i­ly struc­ture, and fam­i­ly struc­tures can change over time. Fam­i­ly types have also become more diverse, with blend­ed step-fam­i­lies, same-sex par­ent fam­i­lies, chil­dren liv­ing with rel­a­tives and more.

In addi­tion, sin­gle par­ents who choose to have kids through donors or sur­ro­ga­cy may not have the same socioe­co­nom­ic dis­ad­van­tages and parental stress asso­ci­at­ed with oth­er sin­gle par­ents. As we think about fam­i­ly struc­ture and sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies, it may be help­ful to keep in mind these nuanced and evolv­ing issues.

For many years, the con­ver­sa­tion among researchers, advo­cates, pol­i­cy­mak­ers and oth­ers regard­ing sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies has focused on how this fam­i­ly type might neg­a­tive­ly affect chil­dren. What if, instead, we focus on what chil­dren need to thrive?

We know that all young peo­ple — includ­ing kids in sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies — flour­ish when they have car­ing, com­mit­ted rela­tion­ships with par­ents or oth­er lov­ing care­givers. We also know the impor­tance of safe, sta­ble homes, com­mu­ni­ties and fam­i­lies that have ade­quate socioe­co­nom­ic resources, social sup­ports and ser­vices. Focus­ing on qual­i­ty-of-life expe­ri­ences and ensur­ing equi­table access to oppor­tu­ni­ties can help young peo­ple reach their full poten­tial.

Learn More About Vul­ner­a­ble Fam­i­lies and Stay Connected

For decades, the Annie E. Casey Foun­da­tion has pro­mot­ed the well-being of vul­ner­a­ble chil­dren and youth, includ­ing those in sin­gle-par­ent fam­i­lies. The Foun­da­tion has tracked data, pub­lished resources, sup­port­ed pro­grams and advo­cat­ed for poli­cies to improve the lives of these chil­dren, youth and fam­i­lies. Explore the Foundation’s many pub­li­ca­tions, tools and best prac­tices, blog posts and oth­er resources, such as:

  • Report: Fam­i­ly-Cen­tered Com­mu­ni­ty Change
  • Report: Open­ing Doors for Young Par­ents
  • Blog Post: Thrive by 25 Announce­ment
  • Strate­gies: Eco­nom­ic Oppor­tu­ni­ty
  • Strate­gies: Equi­ty and Inclusion
  • Resources: Father­hood
  • Resources: Child Pover­ty
  • Resources: Earned Income Tax Credit 
  • Resources: Racial Equi­ty and Inclu­sion
  • Resource: KIDS COUNT Data Book

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* These 2019 esti­mates are the lat­est data avail­able from the Amer­i­can Com­mu­ni­ty Sur­vey. Sin­gle-year esti­mates for 2020 were not released. The KIDS COUNT Data Cen­ter will add sin­gle-year esti­mates for 2021 when available.

What Are The Effects On Children Of Single Parents?



What Are The Effects On Children Of Single Parents? | Everyday Health

By Michelle Smith

Reviewed:

Fact-Checked

Although numbers are rapidly increasing, the children of single parents still have a questionable role in society. Convention still rules as schools, religious establishments, the media and most government entities continue to define the ideal family as comprised of two happily married, heterosexual biological parents living with their children. Such conservative ideas can run afoul of many families living in the United States that don’t conform to the formula. The reality is that single-parent families constitute a large portion of our population. Whether or when society decides to reevaluate their definition of family is unclear. The more pressing issue at hand is whether or not there are negative effects on the children of single-parent families.Getting Concrete Answers
According to the Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics Forum (childstats.gov), nearly 30 percent of children were part of a single-parent family in 2006. In the bulk of those single-parent families, primary caregivers were mothers.Currently, there is a very limited amount of information readily available on the effects single-parent family situations have on children. The scant resources available on the subject are neither concrete nor conclusive, which can frustrate single parents who might want to inform themselves.Divorce increased in the 1960s and 1970s, prompting a study on how divorce impacted children that were forced into single-parent households. The study on the effects of divorce on children was conducted by Paul R. Amato, a professor of Sociology at Pennsylvania State University. This study became the basis for sociologists that later began to study other types of single-parent families, such as children born to unwed mothers or children who lost one parent to death. However, the plight of these children has still not received the same amount of attention as that of the children of divorced parents.

Differentiating between the different groups is important because family dynamics vary depending on how children arrived at their circumstances. For example, in his article published in The Future of Children, Amato writes that children of divorced parents that were not aware of their parents’ marital difficulties suffer greater adverse effects than those who have been exposed to the ongoing deterioration of their parents’ relationship.Certain studies show that black children do not seem to suffer as greatly from the effects of single-parent families than white children do. This result could be due to a higher percentage of children born to single black women than to single white women. Therefore, most of the black children surveyed were born into single-parent families while most white children entered the lifestyle due to a traumatic loss (such as divorce). Sociologists undoubtedly do their best to consider all possible variables before providing answers to complicated questions. Sometimes various stages of research yield similar results that researchers accept as evidence. At other times, one study contradicts the findings of another.Arlene Skolnick (a research psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley) and Stacey Rosencranz (a graduate student at Stanford University) worked together on a study monitoring the effects of divorce on children. The project results revealed that, though the single-parent lifestyle is associated with many problems facing children, the causes to the problems themselves lie elsewhere.

Common Findings
The forum on childstats.gov declares that children born to a single mother are at greater risk for adverse consequences than those born to a two-parent household.The forum concludes that the consequences are a result of more limited social, emotional and financial resources. These findings are reinforced in Growing Up with a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps, a book written by Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur. According to McLanahan and Sandefur, children of single-parent households are at increased risk of dropping out of high school. In the book’s findings, boys tended to be idle and teenage girls had a greater risk of pregnancy. Overall, the chances of these children going to college were greatly diminished.According to Amato’s research, sociologists warn that many children of single parents are born into undesirable circumstances.  These children have a higher likelihood of being poor, committing crimes or using drugs. Many sociologists agree that childhood’s adverse effects outlive youth.Amato has also found that children of single-parent families, whose current lifestyles are due to parental death, have been found to fare slightly better than children from other groups.Does Money Matter?
Most studies agree that children from single-parent families are more likely to grow up in financially challenged circumstances. As adults, these same children are also likely to have lower incomes than people who grew up in more affluent two-parent homes. According to Robert E. Rector, Senior Research Fellow of the Heritage Foundation, approximately three-quarters of welfare spending is distributed to single parents and other broken families. There is also evidence to suggest that other problems stem from economic hardship. As Skolnick and Rosencranz point out, children of single-parent families are concentrated in inner cities, where there is often a shortage of quality educational opportunities.

Single-parent families usually have less disposable income for additional educational assistance such as tutoring, buying computers or reference materials for the home. Because of the limited funds, children from these households are also less likely to be involved in extra-curricular activities, which can hinder their chances of getting a scholarship.A lack of disposable income also means that children suffer material disadvantages, often suffering from scorn or mockery by financially stable peers that instills a negative outlook of themselves and their lifestyle. Sociologists imply that children of single parents oftentimes receive less effective parenting and discipline. Parents Without Partners states that the number of single parents working full-time has increased. Some single mothers even work two jobs. When one individual is working and balancing the requirements of overseeing the household, it seems reasonable that she will have less time and energy to monitor her children and act as a disciplinarian. However, if she were not working so hard, she would have more time and energy.While no one is going to state that it is best for children to live in single-parent families, it appears clear that most adverse effects stem, not from the absence of a particular parent, but from financial strain.Not All Negative
“Researchers can never be sure, beyond all doubt, that x causes y. But most of the evidence suggests that single parenthood reduces children's economic prospects and that marriage improves them,” says Senior Fellow Isabel Sawhill and PhD candidate Adam Thomas.

However, single-parent homes now report higher incomes than they did in the past.Henry Ricciuti of Cornell University concludes that being a single parent does not have a negative effect on behavior or educational performance. What matters most is the mother’s education and ability level, family income and the quality of the home environment.Because children have only one parent does not mean that they are doomed or that their lives will be riddled with problems and they will have poor, miserable adulthoods. Certified parent coach Jennifer Wolf notes that the situation can help children develop positive life skills.“Spending quality one-on-one time with your kids allows you to develop a unique bond that may actually be stronger than it would have been if you were not a single parent,” she says.As we move further into the new millennium, traditional ideas of family and values will be questioned. More modern incarnations and definitions of family will come into being, and some family structures will raise more questions and stir debate among opposing sides. Right now, the only concrete evidence that children of single parents suffer significantly more disadvantages than children from two-parent households is a matter of finance. Society will continue to be less than ideal, and there will always be children who live in single parent homes. Perhaps answers to these children’s needs will not be found by focusing on how negatively their family situation affects them, but rather on how they can better their situation in life.

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Invisible child: how dangerous is loneliness in childhood?

Giovanni Bragolin, The Crying Boy (1950s), detail; Image from wikipedia.org

I have no friends

“Mom, I don't want to go to school. No one is friends with me there. They don't seem to notice me at all."

Mom only sighed in response. She didn't know how to help.

Communication at school did not work out for my son from the very beginning. For some reason, I could not join the company of classmates. Even just chatting about nothing for some reason did not work. Already in the fifth grade, he suffered so much. Here are the guys at recess bludgeoning each other quite friendly, running into some kind of football, where instead of a ball there is an eraser, and only he presses against the wall. And no one invited him to visit, and when he once plucked up courage and invited several people to his birthday, no one came. Birthday, of course, was fucked up completely.

At first, my mother advised me to be active yourself. Vanya showed: he brought sweets to school, gave others his phone with games, tried to joke and entertain others, diligently laughed at the “jokes”, started, but the sweets were eaten, the discharged phone was carelessly thrown to the owner, and nobody needed Vanya himself. His jokes were not laughed at, they were not included in the general conversation. Sometimes he thought he was invisible.

Vanya could not understand why he was worse than the others. Every evening, going to bed, he imagined tomorrow's dull day, the sad changes in which he would stand against the wall. The world seemed to Vanya cold, alien and indifferent. This thought made me want to curl up in a ball, crawl into a hole and never get out. And only dream that someday someone will come, pull it out and start playing with it. Anyone!

Comments Anton Sorin, child and adolescent psychologist, general director of the Kvartet psychological center:

Problem with consequences . And above all, the seriousness of the problem should be understood by parents, and not dismissed in the hope that it will pass with age or somehow work out. If parents see that in a new team for a long time the child has no friends or just friends, there are no friendly contacts, and at the same time he himself suffers from loneliness, he himself complains about it - it is necessary to react.

Child and adolescent psychologist Anton Sorin. Photo: vk.com

Beware of perceiving the child's suffering as a whim and beware of your answers in the spirit of "it's your own fault. " This will not help the cause, but will only strengthen the child in the idea that even parents see “something not right” in him. Now it is your parental unconditional love and support that is needed and objectively super important. The child should feel that, at least at home, he is accepted, understood and on his side.

Talk to him

It is necessary to find out what could be the problem with the child himself. After all, if it is not accepted over and over again in different companies, then most likely it is in him. Or rather, in what is laid down in it by parental upbringing. And by the way, it is this factor that can turn out to be a pitfall in parental assistance to your child. Indeed, in the analysis of the problems of the child, it is our parental mistakes, complexes, stereotypes that can come to light. Therefore, if we want to help, we have to be courageous, otherwise nothing will work.

Well, first you need to understand that any children's team is formed according to certain general, often formal, criteria. In order to become a part of it, you need to meet the requirements that this team makes. For example, to become a part of the company of today's 7-8th graders, you need to be quite "experienced" in the field of computer games. Very often, children do not accept a child for the reason that “it is not interesting with him”, he does not do what everyone else does, there is nothing to talk about with him.

Parents should gently but confidently convey to the child that his loneliness depends not only on other children, but also on himself. After all, there are a huge number of children who are accepted. And if he wants to change the situation, then first of all you need to look at yourself, think and understand what it is about him that does not attract others. In no case should you blame the child, speak with intonations of pretension, do not use Mishka or Sasha as an example, who have a lot of friends and everyone adore them. But you can invite the child to take a closer look at yourself. Perhaps he looks down on everyone? Or vice versa, too accommodating? Or can't talk about any of the general topics?

This is a very complex action that requires parental attention - to understand what the child himself thinks about the children around him, how he perceives them. If he looks down on them, if in the depths of his soul he considers them fools, then he can not count on a good attitude on their part.

If, on the contrary, he considers them better than himself, perceives them as dominants, tries to adapt to them from below, gives them his sweets, things, behaves like a clown, bends, fawns, then the chances are that they will perceive him as an equal, also no. Weaklings in children's groups do not like, and this should also be explained to the child. You can't buy a child's location. If you don't respect yourself, no one will respect you. But why the child does not respect himself is a question for parents. Do they respect him?

Together with the child, it is necessary to determine whether he needs this particular team or whether he is just so lonely that he is ready to join any company. Each circle has its own list of interesting topics that a child could share to become his own.

This does not mean that the child should by force choose those topics that he does not like at all, if only he would be accepted. But among those interests that the team has, there may well be those close to the child. And if there are none, then is it worth worrying about not getting into such a team? All the same, communication really won’t work there, it’s impossible to pretend for a long time. Maybe you should look for like-minded people elsewhere? After all, the company is needed not only in order to “join the pack”, although, of course, a child exhausted by loneliness is ready for anything, if only they were taken into the “pack”, recognized as one of their own.

Look for alternative groups for communication

If it turns out that the child, in general, is not very interested in the company at school, but he is so sad alone that he is ready to break himself, just to be accepted, then it's time to diversify his circle communication. Let him go not only to school, but also to hobby groups, to different studios, let him communicate with different children (of course, it is worth watching so that he does not get, for example, into a yard company), let him look for where he is interested. Maybe he will not just become his own somewhere, but even begin to form a company around himself. The main thing is to catch the child before he loses confidence in himself and begins to withdraw from the world.

It is not uncommon and not surprising if at first children do not fit into any society; they eventually find a company in a different environment. For example, children with above-average intelligence in a regular district school may suffer from social exclusion, and when they get to a good advanced school, where they are surrounded by equally smart children, they quickly find friends.

But parents should remember that their child is at risk and may not be accepted by other children if he is very different from them in some way. It can be any individual features of thinking, behavior, appearance, speech. Such children are not included in children's communities; moreover, they are bullied. This cruelty has its own explanation: children are rather disturbing creatures, it is easier and easier for them in the company of their own kind. And peers who are different from the majority are excellent objects in order to ridicule them and boycott such anxiety, to feel more confident and comfortable next to them.

It happens that a child has serious differences from other children that he himself cannot change, for example, stuttering, nervous tics, low income, physical injury. In such cases, parents should make as much effort as possible to eliminate or minimize this disadvantage if possible. But in any case, whether this is possible or not, the child needs to be explained that all people are different, everyone has different characteristics, and everyone can find a certain social circle for themselves.

It is fundamentally important that the child does not treat his own peculiarity as something negative and limiting. Then others won't see it that way. They do not play only with those children with special needs who emphasize, highlight, embarrass them or do not accept these special features.

What threatens children's loneliness?

The biggest danger of loneliness is that the child begins to lose self-esteem. Social isolation (reinforced by parental inattention) gives the child the feeling that he is not like everyone else, he is the worst of all, no one will ever be interested in him and he will always be alone. The child reacts to such stress in accordance with the characteristics of his nervous system. Someone will become depressed, someone will look for another company that will accept and be supportive, and here there is a risk of running into a bad company.

This is often used by drug dealers, cultists and pedophiles. Pedophiles generally love lonely children terribly. The opportunity to be with someone, the desire to be chosen, needed by someone for a child is so important that he is sometimes ready to go anywhere, with anyone who only calls him. It is so important for him to be included in the relationship that it becomes almost unimportant what kind of relationship it is.

There are also a huge number of children for whom school loneliness remains a trauma forever and in adult life comes back to haunt very low self-esteem and even a complete rejection of social interaction.

A growing child who has not solved the problem of loneliness becomes increasingly withdrawn into himself, immersed in computer games or the Internet, or other forms of addiction, including chemical ones. In the future, he is threatened with building unhealthy, subordinate relationships. Growing up lonely children tend to hide from the team, they cannot work in a team, they cannot identify their positions and interests.

Therefore, it is very important to prevent the problem from passing into a chronic stage, and if the child complains “mom, no one is friends with me and no one plays with me” - to figure out what is the matter as soon as possible.

How to help your child cope with loneliness

Almost 20% of schoolchildren feel lonely, and this can negatively affect their future

Not only adults, but also children are lonely. At the same time, loneliness sometimes leads to serious consequences; it increases the risk of premature death by 40%, interferes with learning and development. What are the causes and signs of childhood loneliness? How can parents help a child who lacks communication, intimacy, friendship? Finnish child and adolescent psychologist Niina Junttila offers her own analysis of the situation based on practical experience. We recounted some of the ideas of her book.

Loneliness is a negative mental state in which a person suffers either from a lack of social connections or from their poor quality. This is the oppressive feeling that you have no one to talk to, that there is no one who can understand your thoughts, intentions, feelings and hopes.

Among schoolchildren, the share of those who have experienced more or less prolonged loneliness is 10–20%. Yes, almost one in five is depressed and feels bad at some point, because there is no one who would listen to him, whom he could trust, with whom he could share his feelings or just wander around the city.

"Is it okay if someone is lonely?"

The researchers asked the children the question: "Is it okay if someone is lonely?" And this is what they heard in response.

Most children thought that no, it was not normal for someone to feel lonely. This is a bad feeling, everyone has the right to have friends and buddies: "I think it's wrong if someone is lonely, because everyone has the right to associate with others"; “It seems to me that this is not normal, loneliness is unpleasant and no one should be lonely”; “I don’t think it’s okay, because everyone should have a friend to turn to.”

Some children mentioned the consequences they think being alone leads to: "It's not normal, because then a person is very sad all the time"; “Not normal, because then this person closes in on himself”; "No, because you can become mentally ill. "

Many also noted the difference between being alone and being alone. Being alone is normal, being alone is not: “It is not good if you are alone. It’s another matter if a person wants to be alone, then this is normal and understandable”; "Not. Everyone must communicate with each other. But if a lonely person does not want to be together with everyone and this does not bother him, then okay. But at least everyone should have friends, you can't do without them."

Many children have already experienced loneliness: “You start feeling sorry for yourself. This is complete horror. I had it too”; “A terrible feeling, it happened to me”; “I think everyone should have at least a couple of friends. I know what it is, they somehow stopped hanging out with me too.”

A significant part of the children were ready to help, to approach some schoolboy who looked lonely during the break: “I usually go up to a lonely person to chat, and this is almost always pleasant. But some want to be alone. Then I don't bother them. Sometimes it’s good to calmly think about your own”; “Of course, no good! If someone is standing alone, I usually come up to talk”; "No, in my opinion, this is completely wrong, so I always try to invite other children to the game."

Some of the children believed that this problem did not concern them, because everything was fine with them, or that the lonely were to blame for their troubles. According to some respondents, the lonely person deserved this treatment because he himself teased or rejected others: “Yes. Because nobody cares”; “Depends on how I was treated”; "Yes, if he does not know how to behave in a company, but only teases, calls names and offends"; "Yes. Because it's none of my business"; “It's my own fault. In my opinion, friends can always be found.

Loneliness leads to real mental suffering, its essence is the contradiction between the desired and the actual number of social connections. It occurs when a person compares his expectations with the actual situation.

Social and emotional loneliness

Social and emotional loneliness are qualitatively different experiences. In childhood, they often connect. If a small child is socially lonely (for example, he has no friends in the sandbox and familiar peers), he is usually lonely and emotionally, he does not have that best friend who would like to play with him.

During the school years, friendships are formed, and groups of young children begin to exist independently and, quite possibly, independently of each other. During this period, children strengthen their friendships and friendships.

Someone can be content with superficial communication in their company and at the same time feel emotional loneliness; another may make one very important friend for him, but have no company in or out of school.

The founder of the modern approach to the study of loneliness, Robert Weiss, suggested that a person has a basic need both for close attachment to another person and for relationships with likeable friends and acquaintances that provide the opportunity for social communication. The absence of close friendships leads to emotional loneliness, and the absence of a social network of contacts leads to social loneliness.

Emotional loneliness is often more strongly associated with feelings of anxiety, depression and hopelessness, while a socially lonely person feels isolated and alienated. Emotional loneliness - when there is not a wide circle of friends, but a friend who would understand, listen, give a feeling of emotional closeness and in most cases could find exactly the words that you want to hear now.

Social loneliness - isolation from the circle of friends, the community of one's own kind and different groups. It means that a person does not have such a company in which one can spend time, grow up, develop, feel the movement of time, a change in mood.

There are children who prefer to play alone and enjoy it a lot. Should this be a concern? Yes. The reason for concern is that communication and behavior are learned in a group.

If there is no group, then, for example, it is impossible to master and develop the skills of joint activity - and without them we find ourselves in a disadvantageous - to be honest, in a hopeless - position, because rarely in any job can one succeed without acting together with others participants. Without cohabitation skills, it is impossible to make friends.

Signs of social loneliness

  1. Feeling that you are an "outsider" or not enough "in" person in the company.
  2. The feeling of not being accepted.
  3. An experience showing that no one wants to communicate with you.
  4. The feeling that few people like you, if anyone likes you at all.
  5. An experience of loneliness associated with the fact that you want to be invited to participate in some business more often - but this does not happen.

Signs of emotional loneliness

  1. The belief that you don't have a single close friend.
  2. The feeling that you don't have a single friend to tell about your business.
  3. A cherished dream of a friend who would worry about you.
  4. The dream of being important to one of the friends, and at the same time the understanding that there is no such friend.
  5. The dream of having a best friend, so that it would not be so lonely as it is now.

To qualify as "emotionally lonely" a person must have these symptoms either frequently or consistently. If we use a scale of the intensity of the symptom severity from 1 to 4, then this means that for each question the child chooses the answer 3 or 4.

External causes of loneliness

The alienation of adolescents from society and from the opportunities to influence it is undoubtedly facilitated by the image of the future (and present) that we, adults, transmit to them. Good news, like positive research results, is not published - but something sensational, terrible, disgusting and negative always comes out, something that can make headlines. But the worst thing is the image of the future of teenagers themselves coming from us, adults.

The economic crisis, unemployment, the erosion of social ties, the abuses of those in power, the increase in violence, the problems that young people create in society and their helplessness - that's what you read in the news every day.

Another important factor in the development of feelings of loneliness among children and adolescents is the focus of schooling on achievement and individualism at the expense of the development of social bonds and cohesion. Education cannot consist only in the pursuit of new knowledge and skills, it must also be a process of experience when a person finds a common language with a different environment and, most importantly, with himself. If a person does not suit himself and cannot interact with himself, it is extremely difficult for him to interact with others.

Consequences of loneliness

American neuropsychologist and loneliness researcher John Cachoppo proved that air pollution increases the risk of premature death by 5%, being overweight by 20%, and being alone by 40%. The effects of social loneliness can be felt for a long time, and the impact of emotional loneliness can be even more severe - these are severe mental disorders such as social phobia, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, self-harm and suicide attempts.

Emotionally lonely children and adolescents are more at risk of being left without education and career, outside social structures, outside the so-called normal life - feeling unfit, unnecessary and in every sense a failure.

Here is a list of symptoms that have been identified in elementary and high school students related to the impact of loneliness on their studies, social-emotional well-being, and mental and physical health.

junior schoolchildren loneliness was accompanied by:

  1. a stronger tendency to avoid completing tasks and protect oneself from possible failure;
  2. difficulties in mastering reading, writing, mathematics;
  3. stronger than other children, social oppression;
  4. more frequent than others feeling of discomfort and innocence;
  5. longer periods they spent watching TV, computer, video games;
  6. weaker group work skills, more restless behavior and impulsivity than other children, both according to the child himself and according to teachers, classmates and parents;
  7. more likely to be bullied or rejected.

In senior schoolchildren loneliness resulted in:

  1. severe social depression, social phobia;
  2. depression and self-destructive thoughts;
  3. rapid fatigue due to training load;
  4. deterioration in health;
  5. fewer hobbies;
  6. acceptance of narcotic substances "for testing".

Teachers perceive lonely younger students as less collaborative and empathetic, more impulsive, and less disciplined, who try to avoid new tasks or perceive them as more wary. At the same time, it remains unknown whether a negative attitude towards learning and weak academic skills are a consequence of loneliness or vice versa.

The role of parents

Is loneliness inherited?

Yes, but not in the same way as eye or hair color. For example, children of single parents are more likely to become socially or emotionally alone during their school years.

In the age group of first-graders, scientists studied the influence of interaction in the family on the social behavior of children. They found that active games and fun together with both mothers and fathers had a positive effect on children's relationships (whether boys or girls) with their peers.

In families where parents used coercive measures, children were less able to master social skills and it was more difficult for them to get along with other children. They strove for dominance and tried to win friends through the same coercive and dictatorial methods that their parents had.

How social skills are formed

In the "inheritance" of loneliness by schoolchildren, social competence plays a decisive role - skills and behaviors that manifest themselves in joint activities, empathy, the ability to control one's impulsivity and act without disturbing others and without causing irritation.

The formation of sufficient social competence is the central goal of human development in childhood and adolescence.

Of paramount importance for the development of social skills is the experience of early interaction at home. Parents of unsociable boys and girls can actively help their child make friends with other children, for example, by inviting classmates over, letting the child go to visit friends who live far away, and encouraging their son or daughter to participate in activities where children with similar interests are present.

To ask and worry, but in moderation

To worry and ask is our parental right. If we remember ourselves at that age, it was better to disturb our parents and answer questions than to be left to our own devices.

A child does not feel safe if no one is worried about him, if no one questions him and worries about what he is doing and where he is, with whom he spends time and whether he has a good life.

But sometimes care can become excessive - with too severe restrictions, the child's own opportunities to form and maintain social bonds will be minimal.

There is no clear boundary here, every child needs control and freedom exactly to the extent that he needs, but if at 12 he cannot leave the yard alone or visit a friend after school, it may turn out that he will not make friends or buddies.

Options for Constructive Action

1. Talk to your son or daughter about what's going on in a sensitive way! Think in advance in what situation and when you can start this conversation. Ask your teen to describe their feelings and wishes. Do not forget that he most likely has a positive experience of friendships.

2. Encourage your teen. Help him to see his strengths and support his confidence, praise, react positively to his actions.

3. Practice the introduction scene together. Come up with effective ways to start a conversation together.

4. Reflect together on whether there are teenagers who look like you in school, in the yard, in families you know, among former classmates, childhood friends, relatives, or in circles where your child goes, with whom you could become friends. Will you be able to make new friends with your whole family, for example, at a family camp, at a concert or at some events?

5. Give a “commission” to a teenager you know: ask him to talk with your child, invite him to a company or invite him somewhere with you.

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