How does divorce impact a child
What Are the Effects of Divorce on Children?
Divorce can be a difficult time for a family. Not only are the parents realizing new ways of relating to each other, but they are learning new ways to parent their children. When parents divorce, the effects of divorce on children can vary. Some children react to divorce in a natural and understanding way, while other children may struggle with the transition.
Children are resilient and with assistance the divorce transition can be experienced as an adjustment rather than a crisis. Since the children in a divorce vary (different temperaments, different ages), the effects of divorce on children vary, too. FamilyMeans understands this and approaches a divorce by understanding what the effects are on children of all dispositions.
With this in mind, here are some of the most commonly seen effects divorce has on children FamilyMeans can help parents manage:
Poor Performance in Academics
Divorce is difficult for all members of the family. For children, trying to understand the changing dynamics of the family may leave them distracted and confused. This interruption in their daily focus can mean one of the effects of divorce on children would be seen in their academic performance. The more distracted children are, the more likely they are to not be able to focus on their school work.
Loss of Interest in Social Activity
Research has suggested divorce can affect children socially, as well. Children whose family is going through divorce may have a harder time relating to others, and tend to have less social contacts. Sometimes children feel insecure and wonder if their family is the only family that has gotten divorced.
Difficulty Adapting to Change
Through divorce, children can be affected by having to learn to adapt to change more often and more frequently. New family dynamics, new house or living situation, schools, friends, and more, may all have an effect.
Emotionally Sensitive
Divorce can bring several types of emotions to the forefront for a family, and the children involved are no different.
Feelings of loss, anger, confusion, anxiety, and many others, all may come from this transition. Divorce can leave children feeling overwhelmed and emotionally sensitive. Children need an outlet for their emotions – someone to talk to, someone who will listen, etc. – children may feel effects of divorce through how they process their emotions.
Anger/Irritability
In some cases, where children feel overwhelmed and do not know how to respond to the affects they feel during divorce, they may become angry or irritable. Their anger may be directed at a wide range of perceived causes. Children processing divorce may display anger at their parents, themselves, their friends, and others. While for many children this anger dissipates after several weeks, if it persists, it is important to be aware that this may be a lingering effect of the divorce on children.
Feelings of Guilt
Children often wonder why a divorce is happening in their family. They will look for reasons, wondering if their parents no longer love each other, or if they have done something wrong.
These feelings of guilt are a very common effect of divorce on children, but also one which can lead to many other issues. Guilt increases pressure, can lead to depression, stress, and other health problems. Providing context and counseling for a child to understand their role in a divorce can help reduce these feelings of guilt.
Introduction of Destructive Behavior
While children go through a divorce, unresolved conflict may lead to future unexpected risks. Research has shown children who have experienced divorce in the previous 20 years were more likely to participate in crimes, rebelling through destructive behavior which harms a child's health, with more children reporting they have acquired smoking habits, or prescription drug use.
Increase in Health Problems
The process of divorce and its effects on children can be a stressful. Dealing with these issues can take its toll, including physical problems. Children who have experienced divorce have a higher perceptibility to sickness, which can stem from many factors, including their difficulty going to sleep.
Also, signs of depression can appear, exacerbating these feelings of loss of well-being, and deteriorating health signs.
Loss of Faith in Marriage and Family Unit
Finally, despite hoping to have stable relationships themselves when they grow up, research has also shown children who have experienced divorce are more likely to divorce when in their own relationships. Some research indicates this propensity to divorce may be two to three times as high as children who come from non-divorced families.
Yet, while these are some of the possible effects of divorce on children, they are by no means absolutes, or written in stone. More and more, families understand just how stressful divorce is for their children, as well as their selves. Families have begun to turn to supportive services such as at FamilyMeans, seeking help to find a peaceful way to divorce. Through our Collaborative Divorce program, we are helping families more successfully navigate this transition, both for the sake of the parents, and for the children involved.
To learn how we can help you through your divorce, contact FamilyMeans today for more information.
The Impact of Divorce on Children
Source: Jeremiah Lawrence/Unsplash
Nearly half of married couples in the United States eventually get divorced, according to some estimates. Because it occurs so often, it’s easy to forget just how difficult and traumatic divorce can be for children. Research published by sociologist Lisa Strohschein showed that, even before marital breakup, children whose parents later divorce exhibit higher levels of anxiety, depression, and antisocial behavior than peers whose parents remain married. There is a further increase in anxiety and depression in children when parents do divorce. U.S.-based psychologist Sharlene Wolchik and colleagues found that parental divorce is associated with significant risks for children and adolescents, including substance abuse and addictions, mental and physical health problems, and poor educational outcomes.
Traumatic Loss of Divorce
There is not always enough support or even acknowledgment of what a traumatic loss divorce can be for couples and their children. Whatever the reasons for the split, there are usually feelings of grief, sadness, anger, betrayal, guilt, and shame. Marital breakdown can leave both parents feeling devastated, and the stress can evoke primitive and powerful feelings of abandonment, isolation, and fear. This can lead to anxiety or depression. It's not easy to give your children what they need when you are highly vulnerable and emotionally fragile. Practically and logistically, things can be harder for you and your children when a marriage breaks down. Divorce often brings financial strain and social difficulty. Children can believe themselves to be the cause of their parents’ divorce. Guilt and shame can make them feel worthless, anxious, and depressed. Every part of their lives—living arrangements, extra-murals, decisions about schooling, and holidays—can be fraught with conflict if the parents are not able to co-operate with one another.
You might not like or trust your ex, especially early on in the separation and divorce process. It can feel deeply painful and upsetting as well to be separated from your children while they are in the care of their other parent—quite possibly your least favourite person under the circumstances. There may be realistic concerns—sometimes related to the use of drugs or alcohol—about the safety of children in the care of your ex. Some parents even worry about different kinds of abuse when their children are with the other parent. But, for the most part, the children have to find a safe place for themselves in two separate homes. It is essential that they are helped to feel at home in both places. It can sometimes even be a relief, after a divorce, for children to be in an environment where there is peace and an absence of tension.
Parents at War
When their mother and father are in enemy camps, a child has to try to figure out who is right and who is wrong, who is "good" and who is "bad.
" If a mother believes, for example, that her ex-husband is dangerous or evil, a child might feel unsafe and mistrustful of his father. The child might reject the father to keep himself and his mother psychologically safe. It can be hard for a child to love and trust a parent who is hated by the other.
Kate Scharff, author of Divorce and Parenting Wars, writes that the legal system often brings a highly adversarial tone to divorce. Unless your circumstances are such that you can't avoid it, try not to enter into a win/lose battle with an ex. Children are almost always victims in this conflict. They can feel torn apart when their parents cannot manage a civil, amicable, respectful dissolution of their marriage. Canadian psychologist Arthur Leonoff explains in his book The Good Divorce why divorce is so difficult for children and what parents and their therapists can do to help them. Preserving the child’s treasured mental image of herself with her two biological parents is vital, according to Leonoff, because this mental image forms the basis of the child’s identity.
An important message for parents after marital breakdown is to try to preserve, as much as possible, the ongoing relationship with your ex—who will always, for better and for worse, be your children's other parent. For the sake of your children, try to co-parent together in a constructive, cooperative, and respectful way.
The impact of parents' divorce on children
Divorce has long become a common occurrence in our lives. At the same time, divorce has a great impact on the life of a particular family, and especially children. But whether this influence will be negative or even more traumatic, directly depends on the position of adults.
Awareness of the child
Divorce greatly changes the lives of children. At any age, if the child already speaks, he will try to understand what happened, why it happened, whether it can be somehow corrected. And the younger the child, the stronger the natural childish egocentrism in him, the more likely that he will consider himself the cause of what happened.
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Therefore, if a child can speak, one should talk to him based on facts, avoiding direct or indirect accusations, and taking responsibility for this decision.
Often in such situations, it is useful for parents to seek advice from a specialist in order to figure out what and how to say, what not to say, how to organize this whole difficult process. The main task of parents is to minimize the negative impact of divorce on the psychological state of their child. nine0007
What mistakes parents make:
because he himself must understand everything, not a small one.
HISTORY
A female student turned to a psychologist. The reason is fears, self-doubt, fears that she will not succeed in life anyway, it is better not to try. It soon became clear that her parents' divorce had been extremely traumatic for her ten years ago, when their constant quarrels led to a break. But, since neither her father nor mother discussed this with her in any way, the girl came to the conclusion that because of her her father left home, if she studied well, her parents would not quarrel and everyone would be happy.
It took a lot of time and great effort on the part of an already matured girl to survive this trauma and learn to accept her own responsibility, and not bear the burden of someone else. nine0006
2. Explaining to the child in too much detail, thereby drawing him into adult relationships
The door to the parent's bedroom is closed for children. Relations between parents with all their difficulties, joys, problems and conflicts should be discussed and resolved by parents.
If this does not work out, it is wise to ask for help, for example, a psychologist.
The impact of the relationship with the child with each of the parents
Divorce occurs in the relationship of the spouses. You can't stop being a parent. And it is important to give the child confidence (by words, actions, attitude) that both mom and dad still love him and do not disappear anywhere from his life. nine0007
Mistakes parents make:
1.
Discuss or condemn directly and indirectly the former spouse (or spouse) in the presence of children.
In this way, adults draw the child into a conflict of loyalty; in any case, he will feel like a traitor to either mom or dad. If breaking up doesn't lessen anger, resentment, and pain, it makes sense to work with a psychologist so you don't burden your child, future partners, or yourself with it. nine0007
2. The child is reproached for being like the other parent
The child is flesh from flesh, blood from the blood of his parents. Both. It's natural that he looks like them. Both in good and in bad. By repeating “you are as slow as your father”, the mother burdens her son with heavy shame for himself and for the person close to him.
Stability in a child's life
Divorce significantly changes the lives of children. That's why it's important to keep what matters to him as holistically as possible:
- place of residence,
- school or kindergarten,
- relationships with other children (cousins, classmates, friends in the country, in the yard),
- relationships with other adults (grandparents, aunts and uncles, coach, teacher).
It is important that in general the daily routine, the rhythm of life remain familiar to him. As well as the attitude of mom and dad towards him.
What mistakes parents make:
1. They focus too much on the child, trying to “soften the blow”
Usually, the feeling of guilt pushes parents to excessive care, “gifting”, indulging all the desires of the child. This distorts his picture of the world, he either gets used to feeling "poor, unhappy", or begins to use it.
2. Focus only on their own lives, losing sight of the interests and needs of children
Usually this is associated with the pain of loss, fear of the future, a feeling of emptiness in one's own life. This can manifest itself in different ways:
- persistently trying to find another partner as soon as possible;
- actively looking for new hobbies, new activities, communication;
- in a depressive escape from painful reality.
Unfortunately, the child "does not have enough" first of all emotional forces. And in this case, the help of a psychologist can be very useful.
Emotional support for a child in the event of a divorce of parents
A child needs time and support from loved ones to survive changes (and this is always stress), loss (of a whole family, even if it was such only in the child's fantasies). Attention, understanding, patience. It’s good if a kid or teenager can talk with mom and dad, grandparents about what he misses, how sad he is and how good it would be to live together again. nine0007
Mistakes parents make:
1. Overreact to any words, actions or feelings of the child in connection with the divorce.
It doesn't matter if pain, fear or anger prevent parents from providing adequate support. If divorce is too painful a topic for adults, you can turn to a child psychologist, with whom the child will resolve the issues that concern him in a form that is suitable for him.
By the way, in most cases this is the best way to help the child, because he intuitively “protects” his parents and tries to cope with his feelings himself, even when adults react calmly. nine0007
2. Do not attach much importance to the emotional state of the child.
If the child is sad, looks depressed, without the same interest goes in circles, if fears appear, he becomes less sociable and active, it makes sense to contact a specialist.
HISTORY
Mom brought a 6-year-old boy to a psychologist. A few months ago, the fear of the dark, which the child had before, resumed and greatly intensified. The parents divorced a year ago, according to the mother, the son "was not especially worried." nine0006
The sand therapy method was chosen for the work. And over the course of several weeks, the boy over and over again built two warring camps in the sandbox, played out “bloody” battles between them. And he left calmly, because before all these battles took place inside him.
Fears diminished and disappeared altogether, battles were replaced by competitions, and then cooperation.
The child's psyche has enormous potential for self-healing. It is only necessary to create suitable conditions for this. nine0007
How to get a divorce and not harm your child
Life with children
Katya Klementyeva
October 18, 2021 17:53
Often, when divorced, adults do not seek help from a psychologist, although this event can cause anxiety or anxiety in their children and children negatively affect their future lives. We talked with psychologists about what kind of trauma a divorce can cause, how to behave properly and help a child get through everything without stress.
How does divorce affect children? nine0157
Chmutova: Everything depends on the context: how adults behave, how and in what conditions the family lived. But usually, during a divorce, the usual course of things is disrupted, which affects the sense of security in children: stability and predictability are important to them, which disappear.
This, in turn, affects their psychological state.
Most traumatic misunderstanding - when the child is not explained what is happening and why. Also, if one of the parents, consciously or not, broadcasts the idea “you are not good enough”, “dad and I quarreled because of your bad behavior”, children can take the blame for the divorce. nine0007
Belova: In the overwhelming majority of cases, divorce is a traumatic event for a child, because it is connected with the people closest to him. There are a lot of changes, and most often they are unpleasant. The state is also strongly influenced by how adults behave. Parents who project their relationships onto their children reduce their quality of life. For example, a child is presented with a choice, or he is constantly at the center of a conflict.
But it happens that divorce does not negatively affect children: if it helps to eliminate some conflicts and even more traumatic situations — or if it happens very carefully and carefully.
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What kind of injuries can happen?
Chmutova: Basically, the feeling of uncertainty hurts. The child may begin to worry, and later, when he grows up, it will be difficult for him to endure any incomprehensible situations. There may also be feelings of guilt and shame due to some kind of childhood trauma associated with divorce. If everything happens very abruptly - there were good relations in the family, the parent took the child to kindergarten, played with him, and then suddenly disappeared or changed his attitude towards him, then a feeling of abandonment may appear. nine0007
In the future, it will be difficult for a person to build functional relationships because of the fear of parting. A scenario will arise in which he starts a relationship, but quickly ends it to get a sense of certainty.
Children under three years of age are more comfortable with divorce, because at an early age the main person for them is their mother, and they can quickly get used to a family with one parent if she stays with them.
A child who has already established attachment with both adults reacts more painfully to their separation. nine0007
It is difficult for children of primary school age to understand that parents have the right to privacy. It is especially difficult if the parent who is leaving stops communicating with the family. It is easier for teenagers to explain relationships between adults.
How do you know when you need specialist help?
Chmutova: Symptoms that should alert are changes in behavior: the child began to get nervous, cry often, sit alone or be sad, show aggression or study worse. It is worth paying attention to physiological symptoms (tics, enuresis), new phobias or unwillingness to be alone. If one parent leaves the family, then children may stop letting the other go for fear that he will also disappear. All this is a reason to ask for help. nine0007
Belova: In general, a consultation with a psychologist is never superfluous during a divorce, because everything around the child changes, and this causes stress.
It is important to seek help if you notice changes in the behavior or emotional and physiological state of children.
Is it worth it to stay together for the sake of children?
Chmutova: A child really needs both a mother and a father, except in cases where one of the parents was not present from the very beginning. Then another family structure is perceived normally and does not cause discomfort. Living in a bad relationship, cursing, being alienated or in conflict, of course, is not worth it. nine0007
Our task is to teach children to build functional, satisfying relationships and be happy, and not just maintain a formal family status.
Naturally, the child wants everything to be the same as before, and may ask not to get a divorce, be offended, or say that he will leave home so that his parents can be together. Here you need to correctly explain the situation, for example: “Yes, we stopped loving each other, but nothing will change.
We are your parents and we will continue to take care of you.” The main thing is not only to voice it, but also to behave as you promised. nine0007
Belova: For a child, loving adults nearby and calm, comfortable atmosphere are more important. The fact that having mom and dad next to you is the most important thing is, of course, a stereotype, because if people constantly swear, then nobody needs it. There are even times when a child wants the parents to separate.
Naturally, two loving parents are wonderful, but only if everything is fine between them . The atmosphere is more primary, and it is better to live separately and be in good condition than side by side, but hate each other and spoil the quality of your life and the life of a child. nine0007
How to get a divorce without harming a child?
Chmutova: In order to protect a child from injury, you need to be honest with him and keep things familiar to him as much as possible.
