How do you know your child is transgender

How to Know If Your Child Is Transgender

There is no simple test to tell if a child is transgender. Experts often refer to the idea of insistence, consistency, and persistence in terms of gauging whether a child is just going through a phase or not.  This means the more insistent a child is, and the longer that insistence lasts, the less likely they are to change their mind about being a different gender.

While the following are possible signs of a child being transgender, there are no certainties.

What Does Transgender Mean?

Transgender – a person who experiences a gender identity or gender expression that is different from their assigned sex (at birth). Transgender teens tend to be an umbrella term, meaning in addition to individuals whose gender identity is opposite of their assigned sex, it includes individuals who do not consider themselves exclusively masculine or exclusively feminine (sometimes referred to as genderqueer, non-binary, bigender, pangender, or gender fluid.   Some medical professionals categorize transgender as a third gender.  Important to note is that transgender identification is independent of sexual orientation, and those who are transgender may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, etc.

Gender dysphoria – the distress or struggle a person endures due to the incongruence of the sex and gender they feel they are in comparison to the sex and gender they were assigned at birth.  This means the assigned sex and gender do not match the person’s gender identity.

Possible Signs of Transgender Child

Many children engage in behavior that challenges the typical gender norms and stereotypes and do not identify as transgender at all.  Nonetheless, there are some possible signs that could indicate a child is transgender or the presence of gender confusion in a child.

• Lack of interest in “gendered” activities – if your child is transgender or questioning their gender identity, you may notice them wanting to participate in activities typically associated with the opposite sex. Of course, a child who is not transgendered may be interested in toys and/or games associated with the other sex, so it is important to not automatically assume this behavior means your child is transgender.
• Hairstyle – typically, when a child is around 4 or 5 years old, they begin to want to have a say in their haircut and style. Transgender children tend to be much more vocal about their haircut and/or style and may protest if parents final say differs from what they want. Although every child is different, in general, transgender girls desire to have shorter hair, while transgender boys prefer the ability to grow their hair out.
• Disliking their name – if your child has a gendered-aligned name, it might be difficult for them to accept if they are trans. If you notice your child talking about changing their name, or requesting others call them by a different name (especially one that is the opposite gender), this could be a sign they are struggling with gender-related issues.
• Referring to themselves as the opposite gender – if you hear your child referring to themselves as the opposite gender (i.e. – your daughter says she is a boy), this could indicate they are transgender (or the presence of gender confusion). Often times, a transgender child will say, “I am a girl/boy” rather than “I wish I was a girl/boy.”  If you recognize this behavior in your child, ask them “why” they are referring to themselves as a boy/girl.
• Bathroom behavior – a clear sign of the presence of gender identity issues in any child is their use of bathrooms opposite of their gender identity at birth. Yet, more often than not, this is not the first change in bathroom behavior parents may notice.  Instead, transgender or gender-confused children may have accidents due to feeling inclined to “hold it” instead of walk into the bathroom designated for the other sex.  Hopefully, the child is able to verbalize this to a parent or trusted adult.  But if you notice changes in your child’s behavior around using the bathroom, it is okay to ask.
• Pronoun changes – as more people come out as transgender, the need for gender-neutral pronouns becomes apparent. Personal pronouns are important for all individuals. But for those who are questioning their gender identity, personal pronouns can mean the difference between acceptance and rejection by others. If your child is referring to themselves with gender pronouns opposite of their born gender identity, they could be transgender.  Notice if your child feels more comfortable being referred to as the other sex; ask questions about their preferred pronouns.
• The desire to shop in the opposite gender’s clothing section – as with hairstyle, when a child is around 4 or 5 years old, they begin to want to have a say in what they wear. If, when you take your child shopping, they choose to shop in the opposite gender’s section, this might indicate your child is transgender.  Of course, this could simply be a sign they want to experiment with different fashions, as many children dress and play in ways that challenge gender norms.
• Participating in opposite gender sports – while this is a large generalization, if your child expresses interest in participating in sports designated for the opposite gender, they may be transgender.
• Distress – an important indicator of any struggle or confusion in a child is the presence of distress. In terms of a child who is transgender (or questioning their gender identity), distress may show up in various ways such as daily arguments regarding clothing choices before school.
• Depression and/or suicidal thoughts – unfortunately, depression and suicidal thoughts are often present in transgender individuals and youth struggling with gender identity issues. The source of the depression may stem from a variety of concerns including:
• Difficulty accepting their identity,
• Fear of what it would be like to live as the gender they feel on the inside
• Rejection from peers, family, and/or friends

If you notice signs of depression in your transgender teen, or they are expressing the presence of suicidal thoughts, it is important to seek professional help.

How to Support Your Transgender Child

Whether you a sure your child is transgender or uncertain as to whether they are questioning their gender, it is always helpful to seek professional support.  Doctors recommend finding a therapist or counselor who specializes in gender identity issues and children.  Unfortunately, many parents do not seek outside intervention for their child, due to hopes of it just being a phase.  Regardless of if your child is experiencing something temporary, or truly questioning their identity, having a mental health professional can be extremely helpful.

A therapist can help your child (and the family unit as a whole) decide which changes to make, and the timeline of those changes.  A therapist can also refer you to other supports and resources such as support groups, medical doctors, etc.  If your child is transgender or questioning their gender identity, it is vital you (as the parent) have a place to express fears and confront personal attitudes about gender while not in the presence of your child.

Additionally, there is no shortage of information available for parents in the process of navigating this difficult terrain.  It is important to educate yourself, not only for the purpose of knowing possible signs to look out for, but also to ask educated questions to your child and professionals.

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Transgender Children & Youth: Understanding the Basics

Children are not born knowing what it means to be a boy or a girl; they learn it from their parents, older children and others around them. This learning process begins early. As soon as a doctor or other healthcare provider declares – based on observing the newborn’s external sex organs – “it’s a boy” or “it’s a girl,” the world around a child begins to teach these lessons. Whether it’s the sorting of blue clothes and pink clothes, “boys’ toys” and “girls’ toys” or telling young girls they’re “pretty” and boys they’re “strong.” It continues into puberty and adulthood as social expectations of masculine and feminine expression and behavior often become more rigid. But gender does not simply exist in those binary terms; gender is more of a spectrum, with all individuals expressing and identifying with varying degrees of both masculinity and femininity. Transgender people identify along this spectrum, but also identify as a gender that is different than the one they were assigned at birth.

Gender identity and expression are central to the way we see ourselves and engage in the world around us. This is certainly true of transgender and gender-expansive children and teens, for whom family support is absolutely critical.

In fact, an increasing body of social science research reflects that gender-affirming behavior on the part of parents and other adults (teachers, grandparents, etc. ) greatly improves mental health and well-being. The opposite is true---transgender children are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and at greater risk of substance abuse and homelessness when their immediate caregivers are rejecting or hostile.

It is important to know--and quite alarming, that research finds that transgender youth are at greatest risk of suicide (compared to their non-transgender peers) as a result of rejection, bullying, and other victimization.

In other words, for some transgender youth, family support can be the difference between life and death. Parents and caregivers can find resources, peer support, and professional guidance to help along the journey, and to insure that your child can not just survive, but thrive.

At some point, nearly all children will engage in behavior associated with different genders – girls will play with trucks, boys will play with dolls, girls will hate wearing dresses and boys will insist on wearing them – and gender nonconforming behavior does not necessarily mean that a child is transgender. That said, sometimes these behaviors can clue us in to what a child may be feeling about their gender – with some children identifying as another gender than the one they were assigned by the time they are toddlers.

The general rule for determining whether a child is transgender or non-binary (rather than gender nonconforming or gender variant) is if the child is consistent, insistent, and persistent about their transgender identity. In other words, if your 4-year-old son wants to wear a dress or says he wants to be a girl once or twice, he probably is not transgender; but if your child who was assigned male at birth repeatedly insists over the course of several months--or years, that she is a girl, then she is probably transgender. Children who are gender non-binary---in other words, they do not feel that they are a boy or a girl, but perhaps a bit of both, or neither, may not have the words at a very young age to capture that feeling, but over time it may become more clear to them, and ultimately to you, that they are non-binary, versus a trans girl or a trans boy.

Naturally, there are endless variations in the ways that children express themselves, so the best option if you think your child might be transgender is to consult a gender therapist. You can find our map of gender clinics here.

Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. Being transgender is about an individual’s gender identity--whether they feel male, female, a little of both, or neither. Being gay, lesbian or bisexual is about an individual’s sexual orientation, which is our sexual or romantic attraction to people of the same gender, different genders, both or neither. While many children who go on to identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual express gender-expansive behaviors, whether they are transgender is about identity rather than attraction. Everyone possesses both a gender identity and a sexual orientation; in other words, a transgender person can also identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Gender dysphoria is the diagnosis typically given to a person whose assigned birth gender is not the same as the one with which they identify. According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the term – which recently replaced Gender Identity Disorder – “is intended to better characterize the experiences of affected children, adolescents, and adults.” To be clear, transgender identity is not a mental illness. The “disconnect” transgender people often experience is a persistent and authentic disconnect between the sex assigned to them at birth and their internal sense of who they are. This disconnect is referred to by medical professionals as “gender dysphoria” because it can cause undue pain and distress in the lives of transgender people. The diagnosis of gender dysphoria is often the gateway to having insurance coverage for gender-affirming care and to allowing trans people to live as their most authentic selves.

Sure, most children and teens go through “phases” – like only wearing all black, dying their hair, being obsessed with a certain band or asking to go by a nickname – but being transgender or non-binary is not a phase---it is a journey, and trying to dismiss it can be harmful during a time when your child most needs support and validation.

Trying to change your child’s gender identity – either by denial, punishment, reparative therapy or any other tactic – is not only ineffective; it is dangerous and can do permanent damage to your child’s mental health. So-called “reparative” or “conversion” therapies, which are typically faith-based, have been uniformly condemned as psychologically harmful by the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and numerous similar professional organizations.

The most recent survey of high school students by the Centers for Disease Control finds that roughly 3% of adolescents and teens identify as transgender or non-binary.

While many transgender people say that they knew they were transgender as soon as they knew what “boys” and “girls” were--as young as age 3, for many others, the journey to living openly as their affirmed gender is longer one. For some, understanding their gender identity---whether transgender or non-binary, is a more complex process that lasts into their teens or adulthood. Stigma, lack of knowledge and fear of rejection by family and peers often keep transgender people from coming out as children or teens. Sometimes a transgender person will come out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual before recognizing their gender identity or coming out as their true gender. No matter when your child comes out, knowing they have your support is critically important.

• Always use the name and pronouns that align with your child’s gender identity.
• Be your child’s advocate – call out transphobia when you see it and ask that others respect your child’s identity.
• Educate yourself about the concerns facing transgender youth and adults.
• Learn what schools can and should do to support and affirm your child.
• Encourage your child to stand up for themselves when it is safe to do so, and to set boundaries when necessary.
• Assure your child that they have your unconditional love and support.

• The Human Rights Campaign’s Transgender Children and Youth page includes resources for families, community members, school officials and more.
• Our Parents for Transgender Equality Council members share their stories and provide educational resources for parent.
• Co-published with the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American College of Osteopathic Pediatricians, the Human Rights Campaign Foundation’s “Supporting & Caring for Transgender Children” is a groundbreaking resource that explains how families and healthcare professionals can help transgender and gender-expansive children thrive.
• HRC Foundation's Welcoming Schools is the nation's premier professional development program providing training and resources to elementary school educators on a range of issues, including how to support transgender and non-binary students.
• Trans Families provides online support groups, resource directories, and educational resources for parents of transgender children

• PFLAG is one of the oldest organizations in the country that supports the families, friends and allies of LGBTQ people. PFLAG has local chapters across the United States, including groups specifically for families with transgender children.

Gender Spectrum has adapted Family Acceptance Project research for parents and family members of transgender children.

This is not a fantasy: How to understand that your child is

While preparing one article about transgender children, we noticed that parents of 3-5-year-old children are “rushing” to accept their different gender identity. And we asked ourselves, is such a reaction normal? Or do parents want to quickly come to terms with the new gender of the child and forget the moment of coming out like a bad dream? Other parents, on the contrary, begin to panic and “treat” such children, sincerely believing that they have a split personality or they just “play too much”. To dispel the myths about transgenderness and answer our questions, we asked a psychologist, family consultant-mediator Maria Fabricheva. nine0004