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How do i put my child in foster care


Giving Up a Child to the State [4 FAQs] Considering Adoption

No two people are the same. We all come from different walks of life, and we all have different interests and personalities. In a similar vein, no two adoption journeys are the same. Everyone has a different reason for choosing adoption, and everyone’s adoption timelines look different, too.

Some prospective birth mothers know immediately that adoption is for them. Others don’t realize this until after they take their baby home. Some choose adoption for financial reasons. Others choose it because they need to focus on their careers. Whatever the reason may be, there are some things that you should know when it comes to giving up a child to the state.

Adoption may be the right path for you and your child, but you may still be wondering what the best option for your adoption is. You might be asking yourself questions such as:

  • Can you give up your child to the state?
  • What is working with a private adoption agency like?
  • How does the adoption process work?

Not only is adoption a choice itself, but there are also many other choices within adoption. You’ll need to educate yourself about all your options to make the decision that’s right for you. Are you considering giving your child to the state? Or, have you considered placing your baby with a family through private adoption?

Whatever path you take, remember to do what is right for your circumstances. That’s why we’ve provided four FAQs and answers that should help you create the best life possible for your child and yourself.

In most cases, no, child welfare likely cannot take them. Most states’ child welfare systems are overworked and understaffed as it is, and these programs often aren’t able to take voluntary placements. Instead, child welfare intervenes in cases where the state has determined that a child needs to be removed from the home for their own safety.

We understand that raising a child isn’t simple. It can be challenging, and it can be even more stressful without spousal support or if you’re going through financial difficulties. Situations such as these could lead you to wonder how to give up your child to the state or for adoption. While voluntarily placing your child in the child welfare system isn’t necessarily possible, you do have other adoption options to consider.

You may be overwhelmed at the moment, so be sure to take some deep breaths. This is a life-changing decision. Placing your child for adoption could be the right choice for you, but you must be absolutely confident before moving forward.

Once your situation changes, you may find that you no longer want to place your child with the state (or with another family). Remember that there are always adoption hotlines and other resources available for you whenever you may need them. After you’ve had the time to mull over your options, it’s time for your next steps.

If you’re considering giving a child up to the state, then you’re actually considering foster care for your child. There are two primary types of adoption: foster care and private adoption. Although people often conflate these two things, they are quite different from each other. In most states, birth mothers can’t voluntarily choose foster care for their child.

Generally, Child Protective Services (CPS) takes a child into the foster care system after reports of abuse or neglect. Instead of the parents choosing foster care for their child, this is usually done on court orders. Because most states’ foster care systems are already overloaded, they cannot handle voluntary placements. In other words, giving up your child to the state on your own terms is rarely possible. Although this may not be the answer you wanted to hear, you still have several options available to you.

If giving your child to the state isn’t possible for you, then there are some different paths that you can take instead. Each one of these options comes with pros and cons, so learning about all three of them will help you figure out which one could be best for you and your child.

Temporary Legal Guardianship

You may want to pursue parenthood at some point, but you’re currently unable to parent right now. If this describes your situation, then temporary legal guardianship could be the choice for you. This gives you the time to work out finances or finish your education before you’re ready to parent.

Instead of giving a child up to the state, you can create a legal agreement with a close friend or family member in which they’ll assume parental rights and responsibilities for a set period. This can last anywhere from a couple of weeks to six months. Afterward, your child will return under your care and you can resume your role as a parent. But, it can be disruptive to a child to bounce them around, and you should choose this option only if you feel confident that you’ll be ready to resume parenting by the end of the guardianship. Be sure to think about what is best not only for yourself, but also your child.

Respite Foster Care

Although voluntarily giving your child to the state isn’t typically a possibility, you can sometimes place them with the state through respite foster care. This is like temporary legal guardianship, but you would be placing your child with the state instead of a family member or friend. But, we should mention that is considerably shorter than temporary guardianship, as it usually lasts from an afternoon to a weekend. Also, this option isn’t free, and it’s available in some, but not all, states.

Private Adoption

If you are pregnant or parenting a newborn, infant or toddler, then you can rest easy knowing that adoption is always an option. Whether you have a newborn or even an older child, you can work with a private adoption agency, and you can choose either a local or national one. Also, private adoption allows you to maintain a lifelong bond with your child and their adoptive family if you choose open adoption.

You can give your baby an amazing life by choosing adoption. By placing them with adoptive parents who have been longing for a child, you can ensure they grow up with a life of unconditional love and limitless opportunity.

“After choosing a family and exchanging emails with them, I knew that I had made the right choice,” Renee, a birth mother, said. “After meeting the adoptive couple, I was certain that my daughter will still be loved. The transition between me and the adoptive family has made me feel a lot better. I love my daughter, and I know that this decision was what was best for her.”

One of the greatest benefits of adoption is that you are in full control of your adoption process from start to finish. Unlike giving up a child to the state, you get to call all the shots throughout your adoption journey, so you will be able to:

  • Choose the right adoptive family for your baby
  • Have a relationship with your child and their adoptive parents through open adoption
  • Make a hospital plan that suits your personal needs
  • Receive adoption financial assistance, for which most prospective birth mothers are eligible
  • Access free, 24/7 counseling and other services

“I had such a great experience working with American Adoptions,” Tonya, a birth mother, said. “I absolutely love that they are always there and willing to help anytime if you need it. As for the family I chose, I love and cherish them very much. I am glad to say that I made them ‘whole.’”

To get more free information now about adoption vs. giving your child to the state, contact us today. We would love to help you at any time!

American Adoptions - Can You Give Your Child Up to the State? [4 Ways to Do This]

 

If you’re wondering if you can give your child up to the state because parenting has become challenging, you have 4 options:

  1. Respite foster care

  2. Voluntary relinquishment

  3. Temporary guardianship and relative adoption

  4. Private infant adoption

We may be able to help. Call 1-800-ADOPTION now to get information based on your individual situation.

Parenting is hard. It can seem like there are new challenges every day, and it’s normal for parents to be overwhelmed at certain times during their child’s life.

This is a very serious question to voice, and it usually is a sign of great distress from a parent. It is not, however, a sign that you are a bad parent. Good parents recognize what is best for their children.

If you are wondering how to give up your child to the state, it is likely because you know you are not providing everything your child needs — and, out of love, you are actively looking for those resources, wherever they may be.

But, before giving a child up to the state, there are some important things you need to know first.

Consider Your Emotions

If you are thinking about giving a child up to the state, it’s important to recognize where your feelings are coming from. Are you simply overwhelmed at this point in your child’s life? Or are these concerns you’re having a symptom of a bigger issue?

No one can answer these questions but you — but our counselors are always here to help. Our professionals specialize in private adoption, which means they can provide counseling and support for people who are contemplating placing a newborn, infant, or toddler (in some cases) with another family.

These counselors can:

  • Help you identify your concerns about raising your child
  • Help you determine what the best path is for you moving forward
  • Offer resources to help you make that decision a reality

For help placing a newborn or infant for adoption, please call our counselors at 1-800-ADOPTION to get free information at any time.

It’s normal for parents to worry that they are not doing the best for their children, and feelings of “not wanting” your children are actually more common than you think. We encourage that all parents in this situation seek out counseling, therapy and other local resources before making any life-changing decisions for themselves and their children.

Your Options for “Giving a Child Up” to the State

If you have consulted all of your resources and decided that parenting is not in the best interest of you or your child, you probably want to know about the options available to you. You may have a few questions, like:

Can you give up your child to the state?

I don’t want my child anymore — can Child Welfare come and get them?

How can I go about giving a child up to CPS?

These are all valid questions to have if you are considering giving up your child to the state. However, the process of placing a child within state custody is a bit more complicated than simply dropping your child off with a social worker.

The paths for placing a child in state custody vary state by state. What is possible in one state may not be in another. In addition, different state agencies have different amounts of resources and funds available to them — which means that they may not have space or resources to take a voluntary placement at a given time.

We encourage you to contact your local Department of Social Services or Department of Families and Children to find out which options are available in your area. While the following should not be taken as legal advice, these are a few examples of ways people go about “giving a child up” to the state:

1.

Respite Foster Care

Respite foster care is usually a state-provided service reserved for foster families, but some states do provide this service to biological and adoptive parents who are in need of it.

For these families, respite care comes at a cost, typically more than you would pay a traditional babysitter. It is a way for parents to receive professional childcare at times when they need a break for one reason or another.

If you are interested in temporary care for your child without terminating your parental rights, respite care may be the right path for you.

2. Voluntary Relinquishment, a.k.a. “Refusal to Assume Parental Responsibility”

For most foster care cases, a state agency has determined a child is unsafe in the parent’s home, and the child is removed involuntarily.

On the other hand, a refusal to assume parental responsibility (RAPR) is a voluntary relinquishment of a child into state custody. Often, this occurs because a parent decides they cannot provide the safe, supportive environment their child needs.

These are usually complicated situations for both the surrendering parent and state authorities. A court will not allow you to sign over your parental rights in an RAPR, but they often cannot order you to take care of a child that you don’t feel you can keep safe.

In this case, your situation will proceed as any other Child Protective Services case. It will often be presented before a judge, and the state will, in essence, sue for the custody of your children.

You cannot just “give” your child up to the state; it must first be ruled that this choice is in the best interest of everyone involved.

This is not an option in every state. In some cases, you will retain parental rights while your child is placed in a conservatorship or a specialized home for any additional services they may need. Before considering this option in any more detail, speak to a family law attorney.

3. Temporary Guardianship or Relative Adoption

If you have thought about giving a child up to the state, you should consider the kind of life your child will have in state custody. Because many of these programs lack funds, resources and foster parents, your child likely won’t receive the kind of life you want for him or her. They may spend years moving between foster families, without ever being adopted by a forever family.

To avoid this future, you may consider a temporary guardianship or a more permanent relative adoption.

In a temporary guardianship, you will place your child with someone you know and trust for a short amount of time. This may give you the opportunity you need to better your situation or take a break from your current struggles.

After some time, you may find you are ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood yet again. During a guardianship, you will retain your parental rights.

On the other hand, if you want to secure a safe, permanent future for your child, think about placing him or her with a trusted friend or family member. That way, you can still be an active part of your child’s life while giving them opportunities and support you may be unable to provide.

That said, do not go looking for a parent to adopt your child online. This is a very dangerous path to take, and you will not be able to ensure the safety of your child as you would with an adoption or family services professional.

4. Adoption Through a Private Agency

Finally, if you wish to avoid the unknowns of giving your child to the state, you may reach out to a local private adoption agency to find a home for your child. Certain infant adoption agencies will facilitate the placement of children up to a few years old, while there are other non-profit agencies that can assist you with the placement of older children.

“For all those mothers and mothers to be that are thinking of adoption, don’t be afraid of it. It’s a very loving decision. It will be hard, but at least this way the baby will live and have the life they deserve to have,” said Sandra, a mother who chose adoption for her child.

If you are considering placing an infant or toddler for adoption, you can contact adoption counselors for free at 1-800-ADOPTION at any time. They can talk you through your options and, when you are ready, help you start an adoption plan for you and your child. American Adoptions will always be here to support you during this difficult time.

If you are interested in infant adoption, American Adoptions has the resources, expertise and collective personal adoption experience to give you the support you need. Many of our staff have gone through the adoption process as birth parents themselves and understand what you’re going through.

When you choose American Adoptions, you will have access to:

  • Adoption financial assistance. Adoption will never come at any cost to you as the birth parent. Our financial assistance will cover pregnancy and medical costs as well as living expenses such as rent, utilities, transportation to doctor appointments, groceries, etc.

  • Total control over your adoption plan, including choosing the adoptive parents. You will be able to have peace of mind knowing who will be raising your child. Your adoption professional will present you with adoption profiles for you to choose from. Because we are a large, national adoption agency, you will have more profiles to look through with us than with anyone else.

  • Freedom to decide how much post-placement contact you’re comfortable with. Through open adoption, you will be able to stay in touch with your child and their adoptive family through texts, phone calls, emails, photos and even in-person visits.

If you have a child who is more than a few years old, we encourage you to contact your local state agency or an adoption attorney first. They can often refer you to appropriate adoption agencies for your needs in your area. If you would like to reach out to our agency, you can always get free information to learn more about your options or request to schedule a time to speak to an adoption specialist.

Adoption through an agency may seem overwhelming at first, but it can provide you and your baby many advantages, such as the opportunity to choose the family you want for him or her, as well as being able to maintain communication with your child through open adoption. It provides a guarantee of safety and love for your child in a way that giving up a child to the state often cannot.

If you are considering giving a child up to the state, remember that this is a life-changing decision. Before deciding which path is best for you, we encourage you to research all of your options, determine where your feelings are coming from, and take advantage of the resources available to you. Only once you do this can you make the best choice for you and your child.

Disclaimer
Information available through these links is the sole property of the companies and organizations listed therein. America Adoptions, Inc. provides this information as a courtesy and is in no way responsible for its content or accuracy.

90,000 not to send the child to an orphanage. What is a foster family

It happens that parents, relatives or adoptive parents, cannot take care of a child for some time: for example, they become seriously ill. In Russia, in such cases, the baby can be sent to an orphanage, which is a big trauma for him. In other countries, a good solution has long been thought up - a temporary foster family. She takes the child for some time until things get better in his main family, saves him from an orphanage or an orphanage. Yulia Kurchanova, a psychologist at the Volunteers to Help Orphans Charitable Foundation, talks about this practice.

A foster family is a job

— In other countries there is a concept of "foster family". This is a professional family that solves the problems of raising children based on their needs. We do not have such a form of device legally, and this, in my opinion, is a big problem. If a child needs to be separated from mom and dad for a while, then we have only one option - a shelter or an orphanage. If a guardian or foster family refuses a child, then he also has one road - to an orphanage. There is no procedural opportunity to get into another family for a while - everything works to place the child in the orphanage system.

But it would be more useful for the child to temporarily be with well-prepared substitute parents who will help him with rehabilitation, support him during a difficult period for him, wait for the situation to be resolved in the family in which he was before - and return him there. After all, it happens that a family just needs to take a break - foster families often face emotional burnout. Or foster parents need to go to the hospital.

But the foster family cannot now by law place the child in another foster family (or even in an institution for a short time). She needs to stop being a foster family. And the child again becomes a nobody's, state.

- Let's explain to the reader what is the difference between a guardian and a foster family.

- Foster parents, unlike guardians, receive money from the state to support the child - and remuneration. Guardians do not receive remuneration, only money for maintenance.

It is very logical that foster families receive remuneration. Our foster family is not a job, although in fact it is. However, this is not reflected in labor legislation and is very crookedly reflected in family legislation.

It is not called a professional foster family, but the essence is exactly this: after all, the family takes the child and fulfills the social order from the state. For example, from a legal point of view, the form "adoptive family" suggests that there is no secret of adoption and that the adoptive family must build relationships with blood relatives if they also want it and do not pose a danger to the child. But in practice, the foster family often tries to avoid this, which is not good for the child.

On the one hand, our foster family is like a job, but on the other hand, its duties and rights are not clearly spelled out. Foster family agreements with guardianship authorities are often very formal, impersonal, typical. The contract should specify the individual needs of the child, but guardianship is often not at all aware of what these needs are.

— And how is it in those countries where the foster family is an established institution?

- In England, for example, each foster family has its own professional profile. It is one thing to raise a teenager, another thing is a child with severe developmental disabilities. Someone is better at one thing, someone else is better at it. A professional family can specialize in teenagers, in children who have problems with the law, in children with health problems, with a special educational route.

In Western practice, a child must move from one foster family to another according to age. In my opinion, this is completely useless - this is a break in attachment, and this is exactly what our institutions do, endlessly transferring a child from one group of the orphanage to another. But everything else there is quite reasonable, individually, a large number of factors are taken into account.


Temporary foster family in Russia

— So someone should take into account all these factors, that is, at least this someone should know about them — and inform their parents?

- Yes, a separate important problem is that our foster family, when adopting a child, often gets a pig in a poke and does not understand what tasks they will have. Guardianship gives her a minimum of information about the child: often she does not know his history, his diagnoses, and has a poor idea of ​​his psychological state. The family may not be ready to raise such a child, and this may be the risk of rejection and return to the system.

— And how do foster families or potential foster parents look at the opportunity to be a temporary family?

- I would say that the trends are polar. There are families that do not have their own children and want to adopt a child, perhaps keeping the secret of adoption: they need their child, for themselves. They appropriate the child, cut off his contacts with the birth family.

And it happens that a foster parent says: I have passed or have passed the path from the idea of ​​adoption to the need to become a professional foster family. Often, foster parenting itself turns flexible and adequate parents to the idea of ​​professional family education of children from the orphan system.

In general, the openness of the foster family gives a chance for older children to be placed in a family. If adoptive parents are not embarrassed that the child is already big and can remember his previous life, they will more easily take him in.

— How does the state feel about the idea of ​​a temporary foster family? Guardianship, for example?

- Very different. Guardianship specialists are a very heterogeneous mass. There are professionals who understand that a professional family is good. But there are also those who believe that these are greedy people who use orphans for their own needs.

This also happens when a family recruits children to get decent money for it. But not everyone is like that. It is perfectly normal to want rewards for raising an adopted child. Often a traumatized child who has gone through the system and the hardest events may need serious rehabilitation. It is far from always covered by the reward that is due for it.

The state generally has a rather crooked attitude towards the institution of a foster family. Guardianship can come one day and terminate the contract with the foster family without a trial. I would say that everything happens by eye, they do not have clear criteria for assessing a crisis situation, how the family copes with meeting the needs of the child, taking into account his characteristics and limitations.

It happens that guardianship comes to a child with special needs and tells the parents: your child is not developing well. And he cannot develop otherwise! Or, let's say, a child has problems with the law - and for guardianship this is a reason to take him from a foster family and send him to an orphanage. There are such cases, and others, and it is not clear what outweighs.

- If there is no such legal form, but there is a need for it, how does the fund cope with this?

- If there is a need for a substitute family, we go to a notary and issue consent to transfer the child to another adult person replacing the parent. This document does not transfer all powers completely, but gives him the opportunity to go with the child to the clinic, to school, to circles, and so on. For example, now, according to this form, a child is transferred from the blood family for three months, while issues with the health of the blood mother are being resolved.

There is no law, but nothing prevents us now from treating the foster family with respect, helping them to build relationships with the birth family in an efficient and environmentally friendly way.

How to improve relations between birth and foster families

— What is the most difficult thing about a temporary foster family?

- I believe that the most problematic and painful area is the relationship between the foster family and the blood family. There is such an image of a marginal aggressive family with an uncontrollable manifestation of anger and aggression, with inappropriate behavior. The foster family is afraid of aggression or unpredictability of adults who can harm her or the child.

Is this really true? Are blood families really like this?

- This is often a myth. This also happens, but it also happens differently. Blood parents can be different. These can be calm and docile graduates of orphanages who simply did not know how to raise children. There may be grieving grandmothers who are very worried that they have lost a grandson, or older brothers and sisters.

These are very different stories. By the way, when we talk about blood families, we don't mean only parents. In this concept, we include sisters, brothers of the child who live in another foster family, grandparents, aunts and uncles - any relatives.

The situations that led to the removal of a child can be different: low social competences of blood parents, alcohol abuse, mental disorders. Until we meet with the family, we are not sure of anything.

- What should a foster family do, which somehow has to interact with the birth family? And the foster parent is anxious, he doesn't know what to expect...

- Someone else should work with the birth family - evaluate the possibility of communication, monitor the stability of the state of blood and adoptive parents. The foster family has a different task - it must take care of the child. Helping the birth and adoptive families to agree on interaction in the interests of the child is a professional story, it must be competently conducted and accompanied. This is part of our work, fund specialists.

- And what kind of problems do you solve when you become that neutral third?

- There may not be a problem at all. But the foster family does not know at all what awaits it in communication with blood parents. That is, rather, the problem is anxiety and fear associated with the unknown, a lack of understanding of how to deal with it.

If a third party is doing the work, then we may come to understand that the birth family should not communicate with the child now - for example, when the birth parent is abusing alcohol.

— What if the blood parent says: "I want to date the child"? Can the Foundation forbid him?

- If he says so, then we answer: you need to come sober, this is a prerequisite, without this the child will not be brought to the meeting. Guardianship authorities delegate us the right to build communication in the way we see fit. The blood family comes into guardianship, asks for permission to communicate with the child, and guardianship delegates us the right to build a line. We dictate and set the rules for all participants in communication.

First, there is an assessment work on the situation in the birth family, similar to the situation in the foster family. We are holding a number of preliminary meetings of birth and adoptive families without a child. When we consider that both families are ready, they meet again, again without a child, and at this meeting we agree on how to hold a meeting with a child: where exactly (necessarily on neutral territory), what time, what can be done during the meeting , which is impossible.

- Do the next meetings follow the same pattern?

- First time - yes. I can assume that at some point we will allow a meeting on neutral territory, but maybe without a specialist.

- A blood parent can come to a meeting sober and continue to drink the rest of the time. And then what?

- We cannot return the child to such a family until the parents solve this problem. They can communicate when their parents are enlightened and she or he is sober, but a child cannot live in such a family.

We do not have the authority to return or not return the child to the family. We act according to the situation. Perhaps we are extending the period of work with the family. Or we turn to guardianship and report that we do not see prospects for the child in the birth family.

Why does a foster family need special training?

- If we are talking about the temporary placement of a child in a foster family, then in this case, work with the birth family is always assumed. Meetings with her are an obligatory part of this program (except for exceptional situations), of course, when it does not pose a threat to the life and health of the child.

It is important for him to understand that his birth mother has not gone anywhere, that she has difficulties, but she loves him and wants to take him to her. This is important both for the child, and for the birth family, and for the adoptive parents, because otherwise the adoptive parents have an increased risk of "appropriating" a child who actually came for a while. Our task is to help everyone then safely leave.

- But do people understand that they have adopted the child for a while?

- They understand, but anxiety is an irrational thing. You can understand that nothing threatens you and the child, but at the level of feelings, you, the foster parent, may have anger at the blood parent who did not cope with his parenthood, jealousy, distrust of this blood parent - will he cope, or will another "fall", from which the blood family will not get out.

Our task is to orient foster parents to the fact that the birth family is not deprived of parental rights and is not limited in them, and that it tries to do everything in its power.

— But if the birth family really cannot get out of the situation due to which the child ended up in a foster family?

- If it is not safe for the child to return, then the question arises of going to court for deprivation of parental rights or restriction. But it is not our task to give the child for a while and wait for the blood family to fail. On the contrary, we are interested in her being able to restore her resources and take him back.

— Isn't it bad for a child to be transferred from family to family? He won't get confused - whose is he anyway?

- A child who has formed an attachment does not get confused. No matter how wonderful the foster family is, he still wants to return to his mother. And if he gets confused and does not want to return, then for us this is an indicator that he has serious problems with affection in his blood family.

— Does the foster family need specialist help after they have returned the child to the birth parents?

— Yes, sometimes it is not easy to give a child to a foster family. It happens that she needs further psychological support so that she can accept reality, including that the child will return to materially worse conditions.

By definition, a foster family should be more resourceful than a blood family, and in a blood family, the child will indeed have worse material conditions than in a foster family. But those are the rules of the game. If this thought - "I invested in a child and returned him to worse conditions" - is impossible for a foster parent, then, probably, temporary foster parenthood is not for him.

Interviewed by Anastasia Naryshkina

The Volunteers to Help Orphans Foundation, as part of the School of Foster Parents, regularly conducts the "Family to Support" course for those who would like to become a temporary foster family for a child in a difficult life situation . This project is being implemented with the support of the Moscow Public Relations Committee. You can also take special modules in the SPR:

  • The course "Teenagers" - a group is being recruited, classes will begin in November 2019of the year.
  • The course "Children with Disabilities" - enrollment for the new course will begin in March 2020.

You can sign up at: [email protected]. More about the SPR: www.otkazniki.ru

How to talk to a child about biological parents?

Many adoptive parents find that the hardest step is deciding whether or not to tell a child that they are adopted. But often foster parents take a child into the family at a conscious age, when he is already aware of the presence of his mother and father. The child wants to know why the stars are burning and why planes fly. And even more interesting to him is his own destiny. At some point, talking about biological parents and children is unavoidable. What to say in this case?

What can not be said about biological parents?

You can't talk bad about foster parents. Moreover, if the foster family took the child at a conscious age and he himself talks about the negative actions of his relatives, you should not encourage these conversations.

It often happens that a child ended up in an orphanage at a conscious age - most likely, his mother and father were deprived of parental rights. The main reasons for such a decision are alcohol or drug addiction, an asocial lifestyle. Perhaps the child saw his parents in a state of intoxication, showing aggression.

However, all this does not give the adoptive parents the right to speak badly and criticize these people in front of the child. By speaking negatively about the birth parents, the foster family is traumatizing the child himself, not the adults who left him.

The child needs to be explained that the parents were wrong when they left him. But they still just wanted a better life for their son or daughter. They could not provide this life and asked for help from the state.

Tell the child that he has "two pairs" of parents - one was with him when he was born, and the other is near now that he is growing up.

How to answer a child's question about biological parents?

The frequent reaction of adoptive parents to the request of children to help with the search for their own mother or father is a deep hurt. The child is declared ungrateful, unable to appreciate the care and attention of foster parents. Such a reaction is unacceptable for adults. First you need to find out as accurately as possible the reason why the child wants to see the biological mom and dad. The most common reasons are:

  • a child wants to look into the eyes of people who have betrayed a loved one;
  • the child strives to show his relatives to mom and dad how good it is without them;
  • the child wants to know who is better - a foster family or birth parents;
  • the child wonders why the parents did not want to raise him.

As you can see, in most cases, children are driven by simple curiosity, so you should not be afraid of these questions. It is unlikely that the child is going to leave those who raised him.

Younger children want to know what their mother was like and what their father was like. These are the little details that make their picture of the world more complete. So before discussing this topic, it is better to find out what is interesting for the child and what he wants to get from meeting with his relatives.

The simplest way is to invite the child to play this meeting "for fun" with you as a real parent:

  • what would he ask his mother? What about dad?
  • what will he do if mom or dad turns out to be different from what he imagined?
  • How will he behave if he does not like the words and stories of his biological parents?
  • what will happen after this meeting?

If there is more and more talk about finding biological parents, it is really worth trying to find them. The very first steps in the search are a visit to the orphanage, a conversation with the teachers. The child can be nearby, see and hear everything that adults say. Most often, finding biological parents is very difficult - for example, if the father is in prison, and the mother suffers from alcohol addiction. If the parents are found, the foster family should discuss the possibility of meeting with them. People who abandoned the child may not want this meeting. If the biological parents lead an asocial lifestyle, it is also better to avoid meetings.

One should not be afraid that the child will find his parents. The registry office or the orphanage will not issue archival certificates to an adopted child, even an adult, since the secrecy of adoption is protected by law.

How to respond when a child demands to be given to his mother and father?

Adopted children tend to idealize their birth family. The bad, if there was a place to be, is quickly forgotten. In the current family, the child constantly has to deal with minor domestic problems. For example, foster parents ask him for help when he plays, or disapproves of some of his undertakings, or do not buy the thing they like. Any situation can leave a negative aftertaste. While somewhere far away there is his own family. They don't ask him for anything, they don't force him to. In moments of anger or resentment, the child may demand that he be returned to his biological mother and father.

When asked to return to one's own parents, it is not enough to simply answer: "No, this will not happen." It is necessary to speak with the child in accordance with his age. Explain that once mom and dad could not raise him, and now you can’t just take and refuse this decision. After all, the problems of native parents have not gone away. Even a first grader can be asked honest questions. Is he prepared for the fact that his mother may not have the money to feed him? Will he be able to help her around the house if she is unable to do so?

After the first child's tantrum, you should not start looking for biological parents, trying to negotiate with them, showering the baby with gifts or, on the contrary, thinking about whether to return him to the orphanage.

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