How can i help my child deal with a bully

What Is Bullying | StopBullying.gov

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

Types of Bullying
Where and When Bullying Happens
Frequency of Bullying

Types of Bullying

There are three types of bullying:

Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
- Teasing
- Name-calling
- Inappropriate sexual comments
- Taunting
- Threatening to cause harm
Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
- Leaving someone out on purpose
- Telling other children not to be friends with someone
- Spreading rumors about someone
- Embarrassing someone in public
Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes:
- Hitting/kicking/pinching
- Spitting
- Tripping/pushing
- Taking or breaking someone’s things
- Making mean or rude hand gestures

Where and When Bullying Happens

Bullying can occur during or after school hours. While most reported bullying happens in the school building, a significant percentage also happens in places like on the playground or the bus. It can also happen travelling to or from school, in the youth’s neighborhood, or on the Internet.

Frequency of Bullying

There are two sources of federally collected data on youth bullying:

The 2019 School Crime Supplement to the National Crime Victimization Survey (National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice) indicates that, nationwide, about 22% of students ages 12–18 experienced bullying.
The 2019 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) indicates that, nationwide, 19.5% of students in grades 9–12 report being bullied on school property in the 12 months preceding the survey.

How to Prevent Bullying | StopBullying.gov

Parents, school staff, and other caring adults have a role to play in preventing bullying. They can:

Help kids understand bullying. Talk about what bullying is and how to stand up to it safely. Tell kids bullying is unacceptable. Make sure kids know how to get help.
Keep the lines of communication open. Check in with kids often. Listen to them. Know their friends, ask about school, and understand their concerns.
Encourage kids to do what they love. Special activities, interests, and hobbies can boost confidence, help kids make friends, and protect them from bullying behavior.
Model how to treat others with kindness and respect.

Help Kids Understand Bullying

Kids who know what bullying is can better identify it. They can talk about bullying if it happens to them or others. Kids need to know ways to safely stand up to bullying and how to get help.

Encourage kids to speak to a trusted adult if they are bullied or see others being bullied. The adult can give comfort, support, and advice, even if they can’t solve the problem directly. Encourage the child to report bullying if it happens.
Talk about how to stand up to kids who bully. Give tips, like using humor and saying “stop” directly and confidently. Talk about what to do if those actions don’t work, like walking away
Talk about strategies for staying safe, such as staying near adults or groups of other kids.
Urge them to help kids who are bullied by showing kindness or getting help.
Watch the short webisodes and discuss them - PDF with kids.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Research tells us that children really do look to parents and caregivers for advice and help on tough decisions. Sometimes spending 15 minutes a day talking can reassure kids that they can talk to their parents if they have a problem. Start conversations about daily life and feelings with questions like these:

What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
What is it like to ride the school bus?
What are you good at? What would do you like best about yourself?

Talking about bullying directly is an important step in understanding how the issue might be affecting kids. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but it is important to encourage kids to answer them honestly. Assure kids that they are not alone in addressing any problems that arise. Start conversations about bullying with questions like these:

What does “bullying” mean to you?
Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?
Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?
Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying? What ways have you tried to change it?
What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?
Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?
Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?

Get more ideas for talking with children - PDF about life and about bullying. If concerns come up, be sure to respond.

There are simple ways that parents and caregivers can keep up-to-date with kids’ lives.

Read class newsletters and school flyers. Talk about them at home.
Check the school website
Go to school events
Greet the bus driver
Meet teachers and counselors at “Back to School” night or reach out by email
Share phone numbers with other kids’ parents

Teachers and school staff also have a role to play.

Encourage Kids to Do What They Love

Help kids take part in activities, interests, and hobbies they like. Kids can volunteer, play sports, sing in a chorus, or join a youth group or school club. These activities give kids a chance to have fun and meet others with the same interests. They can build confidence and friendships that help protect kids from bullying.

Model How to Treat Others with Kindness and Respect

Kids learn from adults’ actions. By treating others with kindness and respect, adults show the kids in their lives that there is no place for bullying. Even if it seems like they are not paying attention, kids are watching how adults manage stress and conflict, as well as how they treat their friends, colleagues, and families.

How to help your child cope with a bully

Many schools conduct surveys of children about friendships and relationships. As statistics show, in every school there is bullying - this is bullying, intimidation and bullying. Even a single bully can poison the life of a class, or even the entire school. For some children, riding the school bus or going to recess becomes a real nightmare. In some situations, everything turns to beatings, violence. Such emotional traumas cannot be healed for years, and they remain with the child for life.

If parents notice that their child is being bullied, there are ways to stop and neutralize the nightmare. And if such attacks do not concern your child at the moment, it is still important to discuss such situations in order to prevent them in the future.

Every person in childhood was bothered by brothers and sisters, teased by neighbors. If everything happens in a comic form and does not offend, then this is considered a kind of pampering. But when words and phrases become malicious, offensive and even scary, then this turns into a mockery that must be urgently stopped.

Bullying is bullying at school, any kind of bullying :

physical;
verbal;
psychological.

Such bullying can be not only verbal, but also end with the taking of money, personal belongings, beatings. Many now use social media, e-mail, to taunt others.

It is very important for parents not to dismiss the situation, because the severe consequences of bullying can affect self-esteem and future relationships. It also happens that bullying ends in shooting.

Why did the children become so angry? What pushes them on the path of bullying others?

There are many reasons: they are looking for a weaker victim in order to feel their power and strength, others bully their peers because they were treated that way. Such children consider aggressive behavior to be commonplace, as they see it at home, watch programs that promote violence.

It is very difficult to prove bullying if the child does not talk about it, and there is no sign of violence. But, there are signs showing that the child is being bullied. The child's behavior changes, sleep is disturbed, the child refuses to enjoy previously enjoyable activities. The child is depressed, may avoid public places, school. If a parent suspects that the child is being bullied, you can lead him into a conversation in a roundabout way. It is best to discuss such a program with leading questions or tell the story of your childhood.

Children should know that if they or someone they know is being bullied, they should definitely talk about it. You can tell your parents, friend, teacher, psychologist.

How can you help your child?

If a parent hears a story about a bully, it is worth focusing on support, no matter how upset the family members are. The offended child does not want to share his experiences because he feels humiliated, they are afraid of the mischievous revenge.

It is worth praising the child for his courage, telling him that people often receive a portion of bullying. Convey that the child does not act badly, the evil behavior of a bully. Be sure to convince your son or daughter that you will find a solution to the problem or come up with a way to act in such situations.

Very often older brothers and sisters help in a difficult situation. Older children are more familiar with the school situation and know all the bullies.

It is worth trusting the words of the child that if the bully finds out about the complaints, it will be even worse. In some cases, you need to talk to the offender's parents. In other situations, it is worth informing the school teacher or head teacher. If all methods have been exhausted and there is a conversation with parents, then it is best to conduct it with representatives of the school.

Find out if there are rules about bullying in your child's school, as many countries even have laws. If the concerns are so serious, then you should contact the law enforcement agencies.

It is impossible to leave a child without advice. It is worth developing a strategy on how to fight back a bully and increase your own self-esteem. To begin with, it is worth offering to fight back the brawler. Sometimes this tactic is useful. But, most importantly, to teach not to respond to bullying with a fight. This can escalate into real violence. It is best to move away from a difficult situation, communicate with others and tell everything to adults.

6 useful tips for getting around bullies

Don't be alone with a bully. May there always be friends around. In transport, at recess, in the toilet, be not alone. It is worth suggesting this method to a friend.
It is necessary to learn to control anger. The bully intimidates, makes upset. So he feels strong. Never cry in front of them, do not blush, do not be upset.
It's hard, but with practice you can get good results.
You have to be brave, ignore the bully. Be sure to clearly tell him to stop and leave. You need to learn to ignore ridicule, and most likely the bully will get tired of getting an impenetrable person.
Be sure to tell adults about cases of bullying.
Provocative moments should be removed. If they take money from you for lunch, bring lunch with you. Take away the phone, leave it at home.

Parents should be taught to distinguish between people, to communicate with those who develop their confidence. Let the child attend circles, thereby getting to know different people. Enroll your child in karate or aikido, self-defense lessons. And do not forget: no matter how scary it is, there is definitely a way out.

What to do about a bullying child in your school classroom. Where to apply? | NGS24

In bully class. What to do?

There is no unified regulation on how to act in the event of an unruly child in the classroom, says Dmitry Yurkov, director of the EGO Center for Psychological, Pedagogical, Medical and Social Assistance.

— There are different types of aggression that a child transmits. For example, there is aggression of a direct type, when a child "seizes" the territory or, defending himself, attacks first. Further, as a rule, a label is hung on him that he is crazy, inadequate and that something is wrong with him. And he begins to "work out" this scenario. The problem is that the pedagogical community reacts slowly and manages to give the child this label without having worked with him or his family,” the head of the center believes.

If the situation has already happened, the main thing for parents to do is to negotiate, the specialist assured.

— Everyone get together and invite the second party (the bully and his parents) to talk to them and discuss it voluntarily. Understand what can change together. This will bring results only if everyone agrees voluntarily. It doesn't work on command. Everything will only get worse, - the teacher is sure.

As a rule, if the conflict has already matured, the class teacher and the principal of the school are already aware, and it is in their interests, among other things, to resolve the situation peacefully, within the school. If you cannot solve the problem on your own, you can contact the Department of Education - they attract the necessary specialists to resolve the conflict.

How to peacefully resolve the conflict between the student and the class?

The work of psychologists, social workers, and mediation services is now aimed at maintaining a favorable emotional background in each school. But both parents and students themselves should also be interested in solving the problem, experts are sure. Before looking for extreme and guilty people, it is important to remember what we teach our children.

— In practice, there is a so-called "Circles of negotiation" technique. This is one of the most effective technologies for working with group conflict. It works when people need to agree, realizing that no one can be excluded. There is a "small circle" - when only children gather, there is a "big circle" when parents and children gather.

For example, I led a “circle” in which a situation was solved: a tenth grader was abandoned by his girlfriend, and he wrote “bitch” on her wall. The class was divided into two warring factions, the parents joined in. Everyone forgot about their studies, all day long they discussed only this conflict. We gathered everyone in the assembly hall and began to find a solution to this situation. They don't vote in the "circle of negotiations", they agree there, - explains the director of the EGO center Dmitry Yurkov, - if corrective help is needed for the family, this is also decided there. If you tell parents directly that your child has problems, he will prove that everything is in order with his child. The conflict will get worse. It is important to understand that the child broadcasts the situation that he brought from home.

First you need to try to resolve the situation peacefully

Photo: Artyom Lents / NGS24.RU

Whom to complain about a bully?

If your child is suffering at the hands or words of a classmate, the first thing to do is to contact the class teacher. He employs a school psychologist, a social worker or a mediation service.

“We try to ensure that every class teacher knows everything about their children,” Tatyana Rudneva, director of school No. 32, explains the technology of working with difficult teenagers. One school psychologist in a thousand children is not able to recognize everything. The problem is that a psychologist can work with a schoolchild only with the consent of the parents. And then the specialist finds out whether this problem is related to health, problems in the family or the behavior of the child.

If this is a conflict, the school mediation service is connected. They're trying to come to an agreement. There should be a clear interaction "class teacher - parent - psychologist." Unfortunately, if the parents do not give consent, then nothing can be done. They say: “But he doesn’t behave like that at our house.” Yes, because you do not have a children's team at home! - the director of the Krasnoyarsk school Tatyana Rudneva is indignant.

The supervisor explained that parents do not always meet halfway. Many do not recognize the problem or are afraid that if they go to a specialist, the child will be “stigmatized”.

— Now, too, the fashion has gone: if something goes wrong at school, they transfer to family education. And the child will continue to live in society. Our task is to teach them to interact! Director is sure.

The school does not resolve the conflict. What to do?

Education specialists shrug their shoulders, there is no universal algorithm for solving problems with difficult teenagers at school.

If you want to hear an outside opinion and get independent advice, you can call the national Education Project hotline at 8 800 700-24-04. Here, any parent can get advice both at the regional and federal levels. The call is free.

If the consultation did not help, lawyer Vladimir Baryshev suggests resorting to more specific measures. First, in writing, apply with the appropriate application to the principal of the school. At the end of the application, indicate that in the absence of proper measures, you reserve the right to file a complaint with the department of education and law enforcement agencies. Secondly, contact the Department of Education and law enforcement agencies.

Thirdly, record the facts of harm to health, if any (at the emergency room), and find out who exactly mocks the child. Collect through the class teacher a parent committee with a call to the parents of offending children.

- Next - a fork. Here it will be determined whether an administrative offense (the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Russian Federation) or a crime (the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation) has been committed against the child. We must understand that the age of bringing to administrative responsibility for beatings and petty hooliganism begins at the age of 16. According to the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, there are also a lot of compositions for causing harm to health, where the age of responsibility is also from 16 years old, with the exception of Article 111 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation “Beatings” - from 14 years old, the lawyer explained.

Thus, a juvenile delinquent hooligan must be identified by law enforcement agencies and decide to initiate proceedings on an administrative or criminal offense. Since we are talking about schoolchildren, the most likely scenario is a refusal to initiate a criminal case or an administrative case due to not reaching the age of responsibility, the expert predicts.

— However, the methods listed above are not exhaustive. A minor hooligan should be registered, his living conditions in the family should be checked. In case of harm to health, it is possible to recover compensation for non-pecuniary damage from the parents of the minor offender. In addition, if the harm to health was caused at the time of being at the lesson in the absence of due attention of the teacher, the court may impose liability in the form of compensation for moral damage on the educational institution, since, according to Article 41 of the Law on Education, the educational institution is obliged to create conditions guaranteeing the protection and strengthening the health of students, pupils, - assured the lawyer.

The lawyer advises to move from words to deeds if physical harm is caused

Photo: Artyom Lents / NGS24.RU

How should children behave if there is a bully in the class?

Psychotherapist Anna Plotnikova explains:

— You need to understand very clearly that a bully is also a child. And it is important not to set boundaries - here you are a bully, and we do not teach you. Here it is important to teach children different behavior patterns. Very often, this circle narrows down to the models of parents that are most often projected by children. If we scream, then it is possible. If we kick something or someone, then it is possible. We throw pieces of paper on the street or call passersby names - that means it’s possible, - the specialist sorts it out.

If your child is constantly bullied by another child in class, explain to the child “what if”. “What to do if your personal belongings were taken from you?” You can ask for your things back without being insulted. The second time you can warn - "you will take my things, I will take yours." The child must understand that each word must be consistent with his actions. The psychotherapist is sure that there would be fewer fights if we taught children to warn.

— It is necessary to say that warning adults about infringement of their rights is not a complaint. Our task is to give children an idea of the limits of the norm, Anna is sure. - It is important for parents to understand that we will not be able to organize a favorable environment around the child all our lives and select people who will surround him. But we can teach our children to interact with such people, not to run and hide, but to know how to stand up for themselves.

But not only children, but also adults must react correctly to what is happening. With the change of generation, the mentality of teachers should also change, the director of school No. 32 is sure:

— Teachers are people too. Times change, generations change. Adolescence from the age of 14 has already passed to 11 - they already have a difficult period in the fifth grade. And the teachers are still on the knurled - 15, 20 years working at the school. And a child needs to be loved.

Should I be transferred to another class?

Experts agree that with the exclusion of a problem child from the class, these same problems will not end.

- Another child may come to this place. Or criminal situations are known when a child is expelled and then he takes revenge. Removing an aggressive child from the classroom does not end the conflict. Moreover, this way we will not teach children to resolve issues, to negotiate, to negotiate. If we don’t learn how to do this now at school, but only increase evil through exclusion and suppression, it will only grow, - based on his experience, says Dmitry Yurkov, director of the Center for Psychological and Pedagogical Assistance.

Tatyana Rudneva, director of school No. 32, also agrees with the expert's opinion. The task of the school is to resolve the conflict and teach children to get out of it, and not to hide their heads in the sand.

— You can't run away from a problem. The mediation service is now well developed - it acts as a third party in resolving conflicts. Many serious consequences were thus avoided. It happens that the conflict is trifling, and the children are registered with the PDN. This shouldn’t be happening,” the director said.

Removing a child from class is not an option

Photo: Artyom Lenz / NGS24.RU

What if the bully is my child?

- Constantly telling your child that you are behaving badly is not an option. Most likely, this will cause resistance, and he will start to mess up even more. The most optimal thing in such a situation is to figure it out and answer the question, what exactly does the child want to show and prove by such behavior? And offer him to behave differently in a particular situation. And give a clear "what if" guide. And then the child will begin to change. The sooner this starts to happen, the more closely he will pay attention to the recommendations of adults. Because in this case, adults do not try to remake him, they offer him options that he can use, - psychotherapist Anna Plotnikova is convinced.

Man cannot be changed, he can be taught. You can show him. He can be given the opportunity to choose and explain that he is responsible for this choice.

— I had a case when I was asked for help. The child behaved very incorrectly in the classroom, they fought with him for a long time, he talked obscenely with teachers. Then I came and sat in class. It turned out that the school has a rule - leave the phones with the administrator during the lesson and pick them up only at recess. The student did not want to follow this rule. I asked him to give me the phone and go to the lesson. He told me: “You will not return him,” to which I replied: “I keep my word.”

I gave the phone to the administrator, he went to the lesson, and when he returned, I returned the phone and thanked him for fulfilling the request. Tears flowed from him, - the psychotherapist recalls, - no one has ever talked to a child in this way. And you know, this is a vivid example of the fact that when we change our pattern of behavior, the behavior of people around us also changes. And this applies not only to children. We cannot change another and understand what he is thinking. But we can change ourselves, and our children will understand that everything can be solved with words.