Can dad get postpartum depression

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Last Updated: 08/30/2022

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Help for dad: is postpartum depression possible in men? It is known that about 25 percent of women are prone to postpartum depression, but this condition is also characteristic of men. In about one in ten cases, a new dad experiences symptoms of depression after having a baby. Vladimir Grafsky, psychologist and mediator of the Krasnoselsky family center of the Moscow Department of Labor and Social Protection, tells how to deal with them.

What causes this condition in men?

The family is a single organism. The general emotional background in the family depends on each of its members. If a woman experiences psychological discomfort, then in a man this condition can also manifest itself to one degree or another.

Each family goes through its own stages of development. In psychology, there is the concept of "family crisis of the birth of the first child." Spouses master the new roles of dad and mom for them. The way of life is changing. Now he is primarily subordinated to the interests of the baby. Caring for the baby takes almost all of his free time, he can cry, be naughty, interfere with sleep. Most parents quickly adapt to new conditions, but some get used to the role of dad and mom for a long time and painfully. Then the first signs of an approaching depression appear - fatigue, apathy, sleep disturbance and appetite.

First signs

How can relatives recognize dad's depression? For the following changes in behavior:

- Irritability on any occasion connected with the behavior of the wife.

- Closedness in oneself, unwillingness to talk, share impressions from the past day.

— Disputes and scandals between spouses, ranging from the smallest issues to the question of further cohabitation.

- Avoidance of the child and family. The father is reluctant to come into contact with the baby, does not want to be alone with him, stays late at work or finds things to do outside the home in his free time.

- Tendency to unjustified risks in behavior, alcohol abuse.

- Loss of interest in former hobbies (sports, cars, etc.).

If in a woman by nature there are physical changes in the body that set her up for a new stage of life and due to this there is a gradual entry into the role of a mother, then a man must accept this role without “physical training”. The paternal instinct, unlike the maternal one, wakes up much later - when the child grows up, communication with him becomes more active and exciting, joint cognitive and intellectual games are possible.

Therefore, a man has a hard time with a newborn. Even if he really wanted a child, was waiting for this event, then a collision with reality can disappoint him. What to do and how to help?

Just like a mother, a young father also needs support so that the joy of the arrival of a new family member is not overshadowed by a depressive state due to a break in the usual way of life. To do this, the mother can unobtrusively tell and show how to treat the baby, how you can combine the usual way of life and communication with the child. It's great if there is an opportunity to spend more time with the whole family - walking in the fresh air, visiting grandparents, meeting friends and their children.

On the other hand, each of the spouses has the right to be distracted from time to time, to "escape from the hustle and bustle of the house" - to watch a movie, listen to music, go shopping or meet friends. The main thing is to be able to negotiate so that the satisfaction of one's own desires does not become a cause of disagreement and quarrels. It is advisable to sometimes arrange a "parental leave". To do this, we need the help of relatives and relatives who are ready to sit with the child. You can give free time to each other - arrange a romantic evening, go somewhere together together.

Where can I turn to for help?

If the psycho-emotional state of the young father does not improve and depression begins to be protracted, you need to seek help from a qualified specialist - a psychotherapist, neurologist, psychologist. Depression can have the most serious negative health consequences, both psychophysiologically and physically.

If we are talking about problems in the relationship between spouses, then you can turn to specialists family centers. A psychologist will help you find internal resources to overcome a depressive state, and a mediator will help you negotiate and resolve all disputes, quarrels and disagreements in interpersonal relationships. The result of such agreements may be a jointly developed mediation agreement - an agreed plan of action.

Do you feel the need for the help of a psychologist or mediator? You can ask for help from the specialists of the capital's family centers or leave a request on the "My Family Center" portal in the "I have a question" section.

Postpartum depression in fathers: does it happen?

In the first year of a child's life, a man may feel unhappy, tired, inept, and even superfluous

Maternal depression after the birth of a child was only talked about a few years ago. But experts believe that this problem also has a male face. How does the transformation of a man into a father affect the psyche?

What they mean when they talk about postpartum depression in men

Postpartum depression in women is associated with changes that occur in the mother's body during pregnancy. Some of them have a physiological and hormonal nature, so psychologists are cautious about depression with the same name in fathers.

“Do men get postpartum depression? No, it doesn't. Do men have depression as a reaction to the appearance of a child in the family? It happens,” says clinical psychologist Irina Ushkova.

Researchers most often talk about emotional problems that complicate the life of men after the birth of a child in the family. For example, the Danish psychologist Sven Aage Madsen studied paternal depression for more than 25 years and concluded that fathers sometimes experience the same mental disorders as mothers.

Their symptoms are “depression, lack of feeling of closeness with the infant, anger and irritation towards him, desire to avoid responsibility. A person does not feel happy when he looks at his child, does not feel love for him, even if the child was very desirable, and because of this, a feeling of shame arises. Such thoughts and emotions are characteristic of almost all fathers and mothers, it’s just that someone copes with it better, someone worse.”

Why is it difficult to be parents

According to some studies, depression in fathers after the birth of a child often depends on depression in mothers and develops in most cases by the third or sixth month of a baby's life. The depressed state of a woman, caused, among other things, by parental burnout, one way or another affects the state of a man.

“A widely discussed side of modern motherhood is burnout, which is accompanied by physical and emotional fatigue. It is important not to confuse it with depression as a disease that needs serious treatment with the help of psychotherapy or drugs,” explains systemic family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “But the extreme degree of burnout — loss of interest in a child, in a husband, in life in general — can turn into depression.”

How does the father of a newborn feel at this time, especially if he is responsible and conscious of his role, if together with his wife he painted a picture of happy days after the birth of the baby?

He holds the long-awaited child in his arms and rejoices at him. But at the same time, he, like his wife, does not sleep at night, shares responsibility with her to the best of his ability, earns a living for his family, gets tired and feels burned out. Previously, before the birth of a child, he could count on the emotional support of his wife, but now she is completely focused on the child and cannot be in close contact with her husband.

Despite the fact that the everyday side of life with a baby has become much easier, the burden on a young family remains large, especially considering that now most families live separately from older relatives, who in the past made life easier for young parents in one way or another.

“The mother of a newborn often experiences tactile overload: she is constantly with the child, her body does not belong to her,” says Inna Khamitova. - Even ordinary hugs can be a burden for her. Then the father not only experiences his own loneliness and fatigue, but also feels that he is losing the contact that he had with his wife before the baby was born.

How paternal depression manifests itself

The father sleeps little, he is overworked, he does not receive support. It becomes anxious and suspicious: what if he somehow harms the child, drops it, doesn’t follow it, can’t calm it down, does something wrong?

Maybe you should stay away from the baby, do not touch it again? This is the road to self-isolation from the family, which can be a symptom of burnout or incipient depression.

Most often, men hide their condition, sometimes even from themselves. Practicing psychologists testify that fathers try to fight the manifestations of depression on their own to the last, which can only aggravate the situation. “Men, as a rule, do not show that they are having a hard time, but this burden is difficult to bear alone,” explains psychologist Irina Ushkova. “Therefore, to escape from negative thoughts, alcohol, drugs, risky behavior are used: extreme sports, fast driving without rules.”

A few more symptoms of postpartum depression in fathers:

increased irritability and conflict, especially in situations that were previously perceived calmly;
constant voltage;
aggressive behavior, which in extreme cases is expressed in physical violence;
avoidance of family and friends, social isolation;
depression, melancholy, feeling of loneliness;
pains of various origins, problems with the gastrointestinal tract;
decreased concentration, distraction, forgetfulness;
decreased motivation, unwillingness to do what used to bring pleasure, loss of interest in hobbies;
a man prefers to spend most of the day at work, thereby being less at home;
fatigue, rapid exhaustion;
discrepancy between parenthood expectations and reality.

The story of one father

Russian men still rarely turn to psychologists and psychiatrists about manifestations of depression after the birth of a child. It is generally difficult for fathers to admit their weaknesses. Even those of them who consciously approach their parenthood rarely think about the fact that they have the right to psychological help.

“It’s hard to admit it: on the day my son was born, I didn’t feel the delight, the overwhelming joy that I expected,” the social psychologist, an Englishman of Indian origin, Viren Swami began the story of his depression with these words. — I was missing something: a sense of connection with my newborn son, maybe, but maybe something more. I did not immediately love him the way my wife did, the way I expected to love my son myself.

Viren shares his feelings: he felt anxious at the thought of touching his son, of being with him: “Every time he cried in my arms, I felt like he was rejecting me.”

As a result, the man moved away from his wife and son, moved away from them. “I hated myself when I did this, I felt worthless, I felt like a bad father and husband.”

Viren Swami cried a lot, suffered from his impotence, but tried to work hard so as not to feel anything - and yet he felt: longing. At the same time, it never occurred to him to ask for help - even though he himself described the symptoms of depression in men, studying this topic from a scientific point of view. “It was hard for me to admit that I could get depressed, especially at the moment when they expected me to be happy,” the psychologist explains. “There was also a lot of shame: for my weakness, my uselessness as a father, my inability to “cheer up” and take care of my son.”

Change your attitude towards your child and take care of yourself

“Most often, perinatal depression in fathers does not require any long-term treatment,” says Sven Aage Madsen. - It appears because of a child, and the task of a specialist is, first of all, to help change the attitude towards this child.

In most cases, not medicines are needed, but consultations. As a rule, a person feels much better after 4-6 consultations. The main thing is not to be afraid to go to the doctor.

If nothing is done, depression will continue, and this will inevitably affect the development of the child.”

Experts recommend not to bring parental burnout to a depressive state and advise young parents not to hesitate to seek help from a nanny if the financial situation allows, to involve grandparents, if possible.

“Free time is best used for sleep and recuperation. And also remember what used to bring pleasure, and spend part of the time getting this pleasure, ”says Irina Ushkova.

Psychologists also advise not to forget that father and mother remain husband and wife, despite the fact that their life after the birth of a child has changed a lot. “Hoping that everything will gradually get better by itself is an unconstructive position. Difficulties that are obvious to one of the partners do not always seem the same to another. Instead of hushing up problems, it is better to share your experiences, fears, sorrows and joys,” says Inna Khamitova. Don't be silent - speak. And seek help from specialists if you can’t fix the situation on your own.

Viren Swami's story of depression is not over yet, but he is getting better. The wife helped: she insisted that her husband should see a doctor. “Now I am receiving treatment for depression and I feel better than when my son was born,” the man admits. "I'm still battling the disease and I still have a lot to learn about how to be a good parent."

“I'm worried that one day my son will know that his father couldn't handle his birth,” writes Viren Swami. — But we must be honest with our children... Despite anxiety and fear, despite self-hatred, my love for my son is most important. It grows every day - and it is she who gives me the strength to live. When my son grows up, I hope he will understand: I am bigger than my depression. And I will always love him.