How to parent a depressed child

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SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Also visit the online treatment locator.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

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Last Updated: 08/30/2022

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How to recognize and overcome childhood depression

The word "depression" is used often and not always appropriate. We make this diagnosis for ourselves playfully (with or without reason), and when faced with its manifestations in our children, we hope that it is something else. A flash mob #faceofdepression (in the Russian version #ofdepressionofface) is taking place on social networks that it is not so easy to notice real depression even in close people. Psychologist Vita Malygina tells how to recognize childhood depression and help a child get rid of it. nine0003

Even adults do not take depression seriously. Many people think that depression is just a bad mood that will go away on its own. What can we say about children and childhood depression - and it exists, and sometimes from a very early age.

Children's depression was "discovered" by experts twenty years ago. Before that, it was customary to explain apathy, frequent illnesses, poor academic performance, somatic pain of unknown origin with anything but depression. Most often - laziness, character, spoiledness and poor health. nine0003

Why is depression bad for an adult? She deprives him of desires, aspirations - at first. And the further, the more. And then it simply forces a person to feel emptiness and heartache at the same time. If this condition is not paid attention to, then things can end very badly: some depressed patients who are left without help commit suicide. And no matter how scary it is to talk about it, depression at a young age can also be the cause of suicide in adolescents and even young children.

What can cause depression in children

The list of causes is as extensive as it is universal. In the first place - and we can't get away from this - the child's relationship with his parents and the general situation in the family. In other words, the main cause of childhood depression at any age is a lack of love and acceptance from parents, especially mothers. If a mother herself experienced depression during pregnancy, if her feelings for the unborn child remained ambivalent and it is difficult for her to love him, then the likelihood that the baby in the future, near or far, may develop depression is high. nine0003

There are also reasons of a somatic nature - for example, a difficult mother's pregnancy with pathologies, asphyxia during childbirth, complicated childbirth with the use of additional stimulation. All this can potentially lead to depression in the future.

The main causes of childhood depression are the child's relationship with his parents and the general situation in the family

Heredity also plays an important role. Symptoms of childhood depression vary by age. In babies, it can manifest itself in excessive whims, tearfulness, colic, frequent illnesses, sometimes of unknown origin, in increased anxiety of the child. In older children, in preschoolers and younger schoolchildren, one can observe fatigue, a sharp decrease in academic performance, tearfulness, refusal of usual activities and communication with friends, insomnia - children also have them. A depressed teenager can lead a life of a recluse, not communicate with anyone, read all day long or watch TV shows, act defiantly and snooty, cut themselves and get sick too. nine0003

How to figure out whether it's depression or not yet

First and most importantly, be attentive to your child. A sharp change in lifestyle, in the usual style of communication should alert parents and force them to discuss this with the child. It happens that children (even adult children) fall into states similar to depression, from an abundance of student debts, from a load. A child can be helped to cope with these troubles - and his condition will change. If this does not happen, you need to contact specialists, child psychoneurologists and neuropsychologists. If necessary, the child will be prescribed medication and psychotherapy. nine0003 Sometimes children fall into states similar to depression. If you can’t cope with problems on your own, it makes sense to contact specialists

Prevention before treatment

Unfortunately, statistics tell us that in recent decades, child suicides have inexorably become younger, and this is an alarming sign. I am writing this - and I directly feel how your parental heart is filled with anxiety: how to avoid, how to protect, how not to miss? And then I remember how my son went to English summer schools. And he is a philosopher and a lover of wandering alone, he got tired of endless activities at school. I came up with the idea of unloading in the middle of the day to go away from everyone, take a walk along the path that led to the distant buildings, while the main people jumped into football or whatever else they jump into in such schools. And it took him a lot of trouble to convince the tutor, who was chasing after him at the same second, that he was not going to inject drugs, swallow pills or "suicide". nine0003

There are such parents: as soon as the child's eyes become clouded, he becomes a little sad about different oceans or about something of his own, the parents are right there: are you all right? Why are the eyes sad? Come on, smile at us so that we can make sure that everything is fine!

Annoying concern is not a concern at all, but your personal anxiety, which you are unable to cope with. We and you do not need this. Do you need something else

What exactly? About, for example, whether your child has the prospect of getting depression against the background of his special biochemistry and physiology, nothing can be said in advance. You probably don’t know if anyone in the family had a tendency to depression, because who considered a bad mood, insomnia, and constant melancholy to be a problem 30 years ago? It is not yet known how much you yourself realize whether you are free or not free from this problem. So nothing can be said in advance, as we understand. Except for one thing: prevention is more important and necessary than treatment. Now, in general, the entire world medicine is in favor of preventing even serious somatic diseases in time. This is even more important when it comes to mental health. nine0003 Prevention of depression in children is more important than treatment

What does prevention of depression mean in a parent's case

1. It is necessary to act as they are taught on the plane: first put the oxygen mask on yourself, then on the child. The logic is clear and ironclad: if you suffocate earlier, the child, most likely, will have no one to help. In our case, the same approach. Be responsible for your state of mind and life in general. If you don't like this life, if you don't feel good and happy in it, then your children are in danger. Who will put on an oxygen mask for them, if necessary? nine0003

You need to provide yourself with more or less stable spiritual comfort. Not everything depends on us, that's a fact. In life, there are layoffs, failures at work, divorces, separations, loved ones die ... But you never know what can make you lose your balance? But by and large, for the happiness of their children, it is better for parents to feel like fully living, satisfied people, and not victims of circumstances.

If you feel bad, dull, uninteresting in your life, then children will have to reflect your condition, no matter how you disguise yourself

2. Communicate with children. Even if they are still small. This is not the same as "making time for the kids" or "taking care of the kids". We do all this just in those cases when we are not sure that we can communicate with them, that is, we are really interested in them. Not by their successes (of course, but this is far from the main thing), but by their feelings, thoughts, what is important and interesting to them. And share yours. Usually, when you tell your parents this, they do not immediately understand what it is about. You have to explain on the fingers. nine0003

If you meet a beloved girlfriend or a good friend, you experience the joy of seeing her or him, you are interested and curious about what they tell. Yes, and I myself want to share something different. Children are people too, they want to really communicate with you. Know about your work and understand it as much as they can. Discuss with you about books and films. Share your memories and wait for your stories about how little you were. Etc.

Psychologist Ekaterina Murashova conducted an experiment: she asked parents to record all conversations with children for a day on a dictaphone. It turned out that, on average, parents communicate with their children 11 (eleven!) minutes a day. And only three or four minutes are devoted to "idle" conversations, and everything else is about school, grades, food and household chores. Start observing right now and try to increase the dose - communicate with children more and better. This is the best prevention of any depression. nine0003

3. Trust the children. This applies to both small and large children. It often happens that a child brings sad stories from kindergarten about how a teacher or nurse treated him, talks about his experiences, and parents try not to take these stories at face value. Usually in the garden this distrust is warmed up: "They are small, you never know what they will say." In fact, in order for the child to know and feel that you are protecting him and on his side, never question these children's stories. There is no smoke without fire - in this case, for sure. nine0003

If a child talks about his suffering or discomfort in the garden, with relatives or with a nanny, then he feels it. Try to figure out what's wrong. Otherwise, children stop trusting their parents and hide their suffering. And they talk about them after many years in the office of a psychologist or psychotherapist.

It's even more difficult to trust a teenager, but without it you can't do anything at all. When a teenager says “I don’t have the strength,” you won’t achieve anything if you say, for example, that all his troubles are from laziness. In general, the main rule here is this: everything that a teenager does terrible is, first of all, a cry for help. Try to decipher his messages. The better your relationship has been all this time, the more likely the teenager will be more or less open with you and will not hide his pain. nine0003

Photo: iStockphoto (tatyana_tomsickova, MelleVaroy, alexsokolov)

Even more useful texts with the best advice from psychologists about education and how to build relationships in the family (so that no one remains offended), in our telegram channel and on Facebook page about child psychology.

Cover image: iStockphoto / aza-za

Heartache Spiral: Mother's Depression

Photo from toovia.com

"I have so many problems I'm not depressed," someone is sure to say when it comes to about depression. “I work at three jobs, I need to raise children. ” "I have a disabled child, I have no right to be depressed." Paradoxically, this is most often heard from mothers whose severe, neglected depression is already evident to others. nine0003

"I don't have the right to get sick, I have children" - this actually means, "I have few resources and I will not spend them on myself, only on children, so I will ignore my illness." The trouble is that children do not benefit from this position: maternal depression harms the development and well-being of the child year after year.

A useless sacrifice

Scientists have long known that a mother's depression directly affects the child. This is what happens: the mother becomes isolated, communicates less with the child, and if she communicates, then only with commands (stop, stop, give, spit, you can’t). Mom does not smile, does not hug, does not caress the child. Children's screams and crying do not cause compassion in her - they cause pain and a feeling of "again he needs something from me. " nine0003

In general, it increasingly seems to her that everything the child does is done out of harm, to spite her that this is deliberate bad behavior. The mother becomes irritable, she yells at the child, she may spank him, hit him, shake him, may ignore him (some studies directly link cruelty to infants with maternal depression).

It is harmful at any age - both for babies and adults (yes, lack of maternal support and severe problems in the mother and in the relationship with the mother contribute to the development of depression in adults). nine0003

Mom interprets not only the child’s behavior, but also the husband’s behavior and his participation in the child’s life in her own way (that’s why experts who work with problem families advise not to take mother’s assessment of father’s parental abilities on faith, but to correct for her depression ).

The situation is seriously aggravated by the child's ill health and behavioral problems: moreover, the connection here is close, comprehensive: firstly, there are common genetic prerequisites responsible for the appearance of problems in mother and child; secondly, mother's depression worsens the child's behavior; thirdly, the behavior of the child and the reaction of others to him worsen the mother's condition. nine0003

At the same time, of course, the relationship with her husband also deteriorates. Ultimately, family life spins into a tight spiral, and you can no longer make out what is primary and what is secondary, and not every family has enough resources to jump out of this protracted loop. Moreover, this family situation is further exacerbated by additional problems: low socioeconomic status of the family, low level of education, unstable incomes, and the need to take care of disabled people in the family.

How to get out? Mom directs all her efforts and means to stabilize the economy and take care of the child - and nothing comes of it. nine0003

But just try to talk to an exhausted and depressed mother about her own mental health - and you will hear that there is no one to leave the child with, that he does not have winter shoes, that he still needs to be taken to Laura, that the rent has been increased again, that on paid she doesn’t have money for specialists, and she already had free ones, five visits and goodbye, only her soul will be poisoned and that’s all, and she won’t go to any psychiatric dispensary, because during her life she’s not up to stupid things . .. And she’s not very ready to accept help , and a lot of resources, and a lot of system solutions that simply do not exist and it is not clear when they will be. nine0003

But let's see what happens in the meantime to the child in whose name all these sacrifices are made.

Maternal depression and child development

The journal Pediatrics and Child Health in 2004 published a detailed analysis of almost a hundred studies on the impact of maternal depression on child development. This influence, as studies show, is great and destructive at every stage of a child's development.

During pregnancy

Depression leads to impaired fetal nutrition; more likely to have miscarriage, preterm birth, preeclampsia, and low birth weight.

Under the age of one year

Mother and baby are an inseparable unity, a child cannot live without a mother. A depressed mother changes: now she treats the child either hostilely or aloofly. In the first case, she intervenes in everything that the child does, and he is angry with her, turns away, tries to limit her interference and protect himself. Even if another non-depressed adult tries to deal with such a child, the child may begin to defend himself against him. nine0003

In the second case, the mother reacts poorly to the child, does not show feelings, does not support him. The child cannot cope with this - and he himself becomes detached, passive, tries to calm himself: he sucks his thumb, sways in bed. There are problems with attention, arousal and inhibition.

Intellectual development also suffers: the mother does not give the child normal feedback: is he crawling there? Can this button be pressed? Did he assemble the pyramid correctly? Did the word sound clear? By the year, the children of such mothers try to explore the world less, gain weight worse (they develop motor skills and speech worse). nine0003

At preschool age

A depressed mother cannot teach her child to solve problems and deal with failures properly. Some studies show that such mothers cannot set limits for what is acceptable for their children, and if they set them, they cannot get their children to comply with them.

Children have problems communicating with other people. They prefer simple games and physical fuss to more complex and creative games. Children begin to show aggression; for some it is directed at other people, for some it is directed at themselves (in the first case, serious problems with socialization may appear in the future, in the second - depression in the child). nine0003

Studies show, by the way, that maternal depression is especially dangerous for boys - they develop speech and gross motor skills worse than girls who find themselves in the same situation, they cope worse with tests that determine the development of intelligence.

At school age

Here problems with socialization and depression become evident; health problems appear. The situation is aggravated if the child does not receive support from parents, and there are constant conflicts in the family. nine0003

Children are more likely to develop mental illness, especially depression, but also anxiety and behavioral disorders. The American psychiatrist Constance Hammen and her colleagues compared the level of mental illness in children of mothers of four groups: healthy, suffering from unipolar, or major, depression, suffering from bipolar disorder (this is what we call “manic-depressive psychosis” in the old fashioned way) and chronic diseases, unrelated to the psyche.

The highest level of mental disorders was observed in children of mothers with unipolar depression. However, in this case it is difficult to establish what is primary - a genetic predisposition or the behavior of a depressed mother. Similarly, it is difficult to find out what causes such children's poor academic performance, their attention problems and difficulties in learning mathematics.

It is known that 40% of mothers of children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder suffer from major depression. It is highly possible that there is a genetic link between these conditions. But plus to the genetic predisposition - the mother's depression worsens the child's behavior and academic performance, they entail a negative reaction from others, all this aggravates depression, which, in turn, worsens the child's behavior ... Again a vicious circle, the spiral twists again - and if not in time ask for help, the situation in the family and the mental health of its members is steadily deteriorating. nine0003

Maternal depression is closely related to childhood depression. Studies show that if the mother is treated, the child gets better. If she stops treatment and the symptoms of depression return, the child also gets worse over the next nine months.

The doctors who conducted the study explain this by the fact that a mother in remission can talk to her child, listen to him, which increases her attachment to the child. Attachment is the key word here. Depression deprives the child of maternal affection, and he grows up as an orphan with a living and even socially prosperous mother. Indifference to the child is one of the most severe consequences of maternal depression. The child is perceived as a burden, and even as a tormentor. nine0003

In adolescence

Adolescents whose parents are depressed have a significantly higher rate of mental disorders (depression, anxiety disorders, conduct disorder, alcohol and drug abuse) - even when compared with children from families of the same socioeconomic background. level, these disorders begin earlier, are more severe, often combined with other diagnoses.

There is evidence that children of depressed mothers start smoking earlier. nine0003

It seems that everything is clear about studying against this background. All this does not add to the mental health of the mother. And again - a vicious circle.

Risk groups

Mothers with a low educational level, from families with low social status and unstable incomes.

Mothers with a family history of depression or other mental illness.

Mothers of children with disabilities. They are especially prone to depression - both because they live in a state of constant stress, and because life with a disabled person, especially due to mental illness, is a chronic mental trauma, and because they do not have enough strength and money, and because they physically cannot go to the doctor if there is no one to leave the child with. Mothers of disabled people are at risk for depression even in more prosperous countries than ours. nine0003

And in all these cases - and not only in these, but also in ordinary families where a depressive spiral has started, families need serious comprehensive assistance - in our conditions, most often inaccessible. Comprehensive is a coordinated medical, psychological, social, educational assistance. To establish such a system of assistance - this will be the prevention of juvenile delinquency, and the prevention of school failure, and the improvement of children (maybe not even need to introduce a fourth physical education lesson a week), and the prevention of divorce, and the prevention of suicide, and the reduction of domestic violence, and prevention of social orphanage…

"Bad child" and "bad mother"

Why is depression such a devastating effect on a child? The key factor here is maternal negativism. A depressed mother considers herself a bad mother, is tormented by feelings of guilt and shame for herself and her child (school, kindergarten, clinic, transport companions and, sadly, family willingly add experiences of this kind to her).

Mom feels helpless and powerless. It seems to her that she cannot cope with raising a child - and she often resorts to harsh repressive measures. Such mothers are more likely to give their children negative assessments. At the same time, it is known that negative assessments themselves, regardless of how the child actually behaves and how pronounced his behavioral problems are, is a stable predictor of the appearance of such problems. nine0003

If a mother (depressed or healthy, it doesn’t matter) during joint games constantly commands the child, if she does not praise him and often criticizes him, if he shows hostility more often than tenderness, if he does not rejoice when the child copes with a difficult task, this child has over time, behavioral problems inevitably appear.

At the same time, one of the most powerful factors of influence is negative characteristics: he is such and such, he is bad. The more mother is inclined to draw global conclusions (he coped with the task not because he tried, but because he is capable) and expect bad things from the child (he definitely won’t go to bed if I tell him to go to bed) - the worse. nine0003

In the course of many years of research, scientists have seen that parental shouting, negativism and intolerance were present even when children did not show serious deviations in behavior. This means that these parental reactions are not the result of children's problem behavior, but its cause (or at least one of the causes).

Already after a year of such parental relationship, children show deviations in behavior, even if the child is initially healthy and does not suffer from behavioral disorders. And if it suffers, the worse the outcome. If the mother believes that the child is bad and does everything to spite her, then disobedience, defiant behavior, and antisocial tendencies will appear. nine0003

It is known, by the way, that in children with ADHD, maternal depression is the second most important factor influencing the overall antisocial outcome of the disorder (the first is the severity of symptoms).

On the other hand, it is known that the second most important factor influencing a successful outcome (again, after the severity of symptoms) is the presence of one receiving adult.

It is in our power to influence this.

What helps?

Compliant children with an easy character cope with all this more easily. Fatherly care helps: it is known that babies are more willing to communicate with a healthy dad than with a depressed mother. nine0003

It helps to communicate with other family members who accept the child more and scold him less.

It helps if there is an adult who can explain to the child what is happening with the mother and let him know that he is not to blame.

Helps mothers learn relaxation and self-control techniques and effective parenting techniques, especially if the child has behavioral problems. Helps teach mom to give up global generalizations - he always, he never, he is bad, he is incapable ...

Support groups for mothers in a similar situation help, especially if the child has medical problems. But participation in ordinary parent forums does not help - on the contrary, it creates the feeling "all people are like people, and I am a crocodile."

It helps even when the mother is aware of what is happening to her, and more often does what brings her pleasure.

But most of all it helps to contact specialists. Treatment, psychotherapy, family therapy.

But first you need to at least understand that there is a problem. We must learn to recognize her in person - out of guilt, out of despair, out of desire to die, or at least just quietly disappear, out of tearfulness or inability to cry. The inability to rejoice. For heartache. nine0003

Depression is even more terrible because a person whose resources are at zero pupates and closes, saving the last remnants of mental strength; it is difficult to stir him up, it is difficult to convince him to turn to a specialist, depression seems to protect itself. And from loved ones here, maximum delicate perseverance and unobtrusive care are required in order to find help and ensure that it is accepted.

If there is any doubt whether it is or not yet, there are online tests (Beck and Zung) to determine the level of depression; they do not diagnose depression, but only process information and recommend medical attention if depressive symptoms are present. It is better not to ignore this recommendation: you never know what causes these symptoms. nine0003

What you definitely shouldn't do is, after passing the test and getting the result "severe depression", post it gloomily on social networks, accompanying it with emoticons or the comment "depression is for wimps, but I have no time." You should not be proud of your courage: there is no valor in carrying pneumonia on your feet, or refusing dental care for flux, or refusing help for depression.

This is not a medal of "Maternal Glory" and not even a martyr's crown - this is pain and pus in the soul; they are not proud of it, they treat it.